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APR
26 2012
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8
UNADMITTED STUDENTS DAY
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ILLUSTRATION BY JOHNSON
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CINCO MAYO Wear a sombrero to class the day before. Nothing says appropriate respect on a holiday like a large, beer-drenched hat.
Practice your Spanish by speaking it all day. Don’t know this language? Simply add an “o” to every English word.
Play piñata on the side lawn of Reid.
Get the Macarena going in the quiet room.
EVIL OR IMPROV?
Varsity Nordic is one of the most beloved organizations on campus, even though they have often been shrouded in controversy. Many have theorized that the change from the name “Theater Sports” to “Varsity Nordic” did not just coincidentally happen around the exact same time that the Whitman varsity skiing team (also known as Varsity Nordic) got disbanded. Many, including myself, have wondered just what exactly Varsity Nordic is up to. So I decided to determine this once and for all by doing a little investigative journalism. I went undercover and posed as a fan at their recent 24-hour performance “for charity” that occurred last Friday through Saturday. What follows is a journal of my experiences.
Want to have some celebrations and fun without leaving campus on Cinco de Mayo next Saturday?
Try these fun ideas Throw a fiesta on Ankeny! Dance the Mexican hat dance and sing “Cielito Lindo.”
Share your cultural knowledge by saying it’s not Mexican Independence Day.
breaking news !!! ] [
!!!
love, bridget (the wryho)
Whitman geology department holds vote on theory to replace continental drift
solve the plexer to see which theory was chosen
A BC DEF GH I J KLMNOP QRS T UVWX Y Z E P L P L L E N V H W P U S
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Comic by Julie Peterson
5:30 P.M. – 5:50 P.M. It is already apparent that they have no plan or prior knowledge of what they will do. They seem to make things up willy-nilly as they go along. Just who exactly are these people?
7:00 P.M. I can see why so many people are fans of Varsity
Nordic. They seem to be pleasant and kind. They are charismatic and, more importantly, funny. Oftentimes I have found myself laughing out loud at one of their clever puns or observations. Other times I have almost laughed, but not quite, though I still found their antics humorous. Certainly the majority of the time I have found myself entranced by their constant barrage of new material. It is like watching a movie or a TV show that simply won’t end. Maybe I was wrong to suspect them . . .
11:00 P.M. After several hours of watching them play their
I am the only audience member who will stay for the whole show.
5:00 A.M. They know I am the only one out there. Their scenes
get longer and darker. Many of them have begun to reveal their true form and are now hibernating onstage. I too, have begun to lose my strength. I don’t know if I will be able to hold on. Why are carrots so funny right now?
12:30 P.M. Something has happened; something is definitely
going on. One of them turned into me. They turned into me! They were playing a game and someone said they should be me and then they were me and one of them guessed that it was me. Do they have cloning technology?
2:00 P.M. Everything is funny. Shoes, hookworms, of course. 5:00 P.M. I am starting to hallucinate things. I can’t be sure of
anything. What have they done to me? The audience has returned; I think they may have been here for some time now. Can they be warned or is it too late?
5:30 P.M. It’s over; it’s finally over. “Will you be my friend” seems like it can only be a question unless you’re talking to someone named Will. They sold some empty pizza boxes and it’s over. I think. Maybe. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. The sunlight burns.
K I A L A E K X H
ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S PUZZLE: UNPRETENTIOUS, CULTURE, DIALOGUE, SUSTAINABLE, DIVERSITY, CHACOS, PATAGUCHI, GLUTEN-FREE
ing that they’ll be playing some games. Yeah, I suppose it was just “fun and games” that led to thousands of poor Whitman students no longer being able to ski and fulfill their dreams.
3:00 A.M. I am the only one left; I am all alone. I now realize that
V U S
L E N S X
5:00 P.M. They’ve started by introducing themselves and say-
“improv” games, many of which are surprisingly similar, it has become clear that they have exhausted their relatively minute repertoire of performance forms. Some of these games have now been played so many times that I’ve lost count. I certainly feel sorry for all of the audience members who stay for the whole show.
he lesser known but far more entertaining Unadmitted Students Day (or Rejected Students Day, as some cheeky admissions officers refer to it as) happens this upcoming weekend every year. This much less prestigious honor is offered to high school students who were not admitted into the college, but are still interested in seeing what they will be missing out on. The day begins at 7 a.m. in North Hall, where students are given an insipid croissant to last them through their uneventful morning. The students are led to the Reid Ballroom, where, for the next five hours, President George Bridges glares at them from behind a podium, occasionally shaking his head in utter disappointment, while silently sighing and muttering juicy little tidbits like “They don’t even deserve to see this bowtie” and “waste of time.” After lunch, the students are given an accelerated tour of the campus. The tour guide (who is hastily riding a bike) only speaks forward and at a constant speed of 12.5 mph. So, any of the students who desire to take in the information must attempt to keep up with the guide by running alongside. The tour becomes more interesting as Whitman’s larping club is asked to bludgeon ye olde rejected students to please their majesty, King Bridges. The rejected students are “allowed” to fly home, but only after each one of them is asked to put a fist into the air and exclaim, “Proud to be a Rejected Student!”.
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