HUMOR
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Congratulations, seniors! My $olution to the Democrat$’ financial reform bill by KE$HA Contributor
E. JOHNSON
This week it has become clear that the Democrats’ primary goal is not to pass their financial reform bill cooperatively. Instead, Dems aim only to force the GOP to reject the bill—which they refuse to edit—enough times that they can paint all of them as the cantankerous “party of no” and then force the bill through as the public tires of waiting (e.g. Obamacare, circa March). As I look upon this legislative fiasco, I am reminded of what
KE$HA the great P. Diddy once said: “Hey what up, Girl?” Indeed, what is up? I’ll tell you: Democrats trying to touch my junk, junk. By “junk” I refer to, of course, the royalties to my enormously successful pop songs, which I sell for use in commercials and TV shows. When these production companies can’t afford to pay me up front, I become a lender whose income is at stake under Obama’s fascist, proposed regulations. My solutions for the president are threefold: 1) Create $eparate legi$lative language for Wall $treet and Main $treet Mr. President, your financial crisis started on Wall Street, but the credit positions of your current bill are written so broadly that car and furniture dealerships and their neighbors will feel the repercussions here on Main St. Do you think we can afford this? Do you know what I spend on toothpaste given
that I can only brush with bottles of Jack Daniels? Rather, do you know what my dental bills look like? Furthermore, my Verizon bill is outrageous given the boys blowin up my phone, phone. The government that governs best, governs least, Mr. President. I’ve been inside Keith Richards. 2) Create a $maller branch of regulator$, and reduce the co$t. Mr. President, when your new bureau is granted a whopping 10 percent of the Federeal Reserve to oversee loan institutions, we will not only be increasing the national deficit, but charging mom and pops to do so. How do you reconcile this with these cold hard facts? 1) One time I punched a sixth grader in the mouth with a pair of brass knuckles and filled his mouth with the broken shards of my bourbon bottle and then punched him again. 2) There isn’t a cop I’ve met whose parents I haven’t later located and stabbed, lightly. 3) The CBO contends that the proposed rules would only drive predatory loans further underground? Government isn’t the solution, Mr. President, government is the problem. I keep blood samples of all the dogs I’ve slept with. 3) Move toward$ the political center Mr. President, for you to undo the financial regulatory structure to create your liberal socialist utopia is to un-weld the structure that has made our nation the greatest in the world. Look at the simple conservative solutions around you. I’m talking lax regulation on loans, loans. I’m talking abolish the IRS and then send them all to my house wearing nothing but canvas bags on their heads. I’m talking about keeping small pellets of dry ice inside my open thigh wounds. I don’t believe in a government that protects us from ourselves, Mr. President. My waterbed is filled exclusively with the toenails of children that I find lost in supermarkets. Sincerely, Ke$ha
May 18, 2010 Take a second here to think about what meant the most in your magical, magical, terrible, terrible college experience. Your friends, your thesis, Ke$ha, various birdcalls, the concept of wind and that now notorious Ultimate game that broke out in the Welty Health Center that ended in the switch to the 3:2 program. Backpage!!! Putting the cement in commencement!!!
Wind is here to stay Sun: If I heard correctly, and I’m sure I did, we scheduled the entire month of May with who else, me. Are we, the weather patterns, in agreement? Partly Cloudy: Moderately. Rain: May was Kimberly’s favorite month. Oh god! (Crying) George Bridges: What am I doing here? Wait, where am I? Sun: All in favor say whoooooosh. Great. So our next order of business is Whitman graduation. Lightning: YYYYIKESSS!!! Wind: Wwwhat up beezies? It’s me, Wind! I just caught myself of a certain real secret meeting. Sun: Sorry but you’re too late Wind. Guess who has no thumbs and is taking over May? This guy. Wind: Ssscrew you Sun! You can’t just show up and take over. Sun: What are you talking about? I’m here all the time according to a brochure I read. Listen, Whit-
Every month, the weather patterns of Walla Walla meet in the Young Ballroom to schedule each week’s weather. This is a recording of this month’s totally real meeting.
man deserves a little taste of me. They’ve been printing double-sided all year. Wind: Whhhooooosssssssshhhhoooooooowwoooosssssssssssshhhhhhhhffffffffffffuck Whitman! Guys, throw caution to me! Wind’s here to shake things up! Sun: Shh, President Bridges is napping in his chair. Look, I don’t mean to take you out of your sails, but this month is set. Rain: WHY DO I RUIN EVERYTHING I TOUCH?! Wind: Oh really? Well let me introduce you to a friend of mine. Hail: I’m back baby! Keep your cars in the garage ‘cause I’m hitting the town. George Bridges: Ow! What in blazes is going on? Wait, this isn’t my big cozy chair! Sun: Now look at what you’ve done! Someone get me a pudding! Get out of here Hail.
Hail: Aw man. I guess it’s going to be another night of watching Friends reruns and eating shingling… Thunder: Has anyone seen Lightning? I swear he was here just a second ago… Sun: Fine Wind, you can have May as long as I can have graduation. Wind: Done. Hey, look, I got this kid’s hat. Oh, I’m slowing down, you might be able to catch up to it. Oh wait, looks like I caught a second wind! Haha, I’m Wind Mofo and I’m here to stay! Anyone want an ironic trucker hat? Sun: President Bridges, I saved graduation! George Bridges: What are you saying to me? Sun: Remember? May 23rd? The day you reward the seniors’ four years of sweat and tears with a pin they could’ve gotten for two dollars? Sir? Oh, he’s asleep again.
George Bridges: Year-end accomplishments Dear Students, I write you today, as the year draws to an end and you reflect upon the fond memories you have shared this last semester at Whitman, to ask you to give back to Whitman with a charitable donation. I’m kidding. That was a joke because my advisor Jed recommended I start with a joke. Why I am really writing to you today is because I have heard from various trusted sources on campus that people on campus have been frustrated with how absent I’ve been this past year while fundraising. I’m not going to lie to you: It is true that I have eliminated my office hours, become one of 20 living Platinum Flyers with Horizon Airlines, and spent Thanksgiving weekend in Tulsa, Okla. doing some deplorable things at an alumni event (or, more accurately, in a “orgy gala” at an alumni event). Nevertheless, while I do not have statistics or dignity on my side, I do have results!
This past year I have accomplished a lot of great things as Whitman President, with my new “rule from abroad” policy. First, as President I made sure that Fire and Spice had a new food theme every week. Bon Appétit tried to fight me on this one, but not only did I make sure that you students enjoyed the classic tastes of “Mexico” and “Mongolia,” but I pushed them to add “Asia.” *Hold for applause* Jed, my trusted advisor, always tells me to “hold for applause” after making a really good point. Other stuff I accomplished this year include: There are still statues, the library is open 24 hours, we successfully converted to Whitmail, we remain in the Princeton Review, ducks are on campus and many other things happened that I’m too busy to mention. I mean, this year’s graduating class has one of the highest collective GPAs and most diverse diversity, which I think I
can take credit for. I’m going to have to check with Jed. Hmm, what else? Health Care Reform? All I’m saying is that I am President of Whitman College and Health Care passed through both the House and Senate. That is impressive, right? Furthermore, “Iron Man 2” is out in theaters, and Robert Downey Jr. was in “Heart and Souls” with Kyra Sedgwick who was in “Loverboy” with Kevin Bacon. That sort of connection happened in my fifth year as President. In the end, like any good President I want to seem modest and confident. Did that come across? E-mail Jed to let him know if that came across. I guess what I am getting at, dear students, is that you should consider giving back to Whitman now more than ever. I don’t want to do all this hard work for nothing. Yours Truly, President George Bridges
HUMOR
0May 18, 2010
Dead senior writers
THE LORAX Department: Environmental Studies Pio: Why did you decide to come to Whitman? The Lorax: When I saw the wheat fields with grass up to my knees, I was reminded of my beautiful Truffula trees. Pio: Where can I buy a thneed? (The Lorax declined to comment.)
CAP’N CRUNCH Department: Outdoor Leadership (Specialty: Sea Kayak Guide Leadership) Pio: Why did you decide to come to Whitman? Cap’n Crunch: Ahoy! On one of my adventures, I rescued Brien Sheedy from Jean LaFoote’s pirate crew and we have been close mateys ever since. Prepare to be crunchatized! Pio: Do you abide by LNT guidelines? Cap’n Crunch: Aye! I never leave a Crunchberry behind!
BOGGAN
NADIM DAMLUJI
GALEN COBB
Based on Galen Cobb’s “Reading Rainbow” diary found under his bed, the police believe Galen was on his way to Bed Bath and Beyond for “humor research” when he spontaneously combusted. Backpage staffers say that he was
not acting unusually, that he was ready as ever at his last humor page meeting with more ideas for that day, most of which included a joke about cake in some capacity. His diary from the days preceding his explosion goes as follows, “I’ve been slaving over my humor ideas for the past three days. I hope they like them […] No one else is ever as prepared as me, they should make me editor […] I will take over […] two more days to take over […] today is the day, I have paid my dues […] 001110100010101001.” On the day of Cobb’s death it was revealed that Cobb was indeed a robot programmed to giggle like a happy little boy as a cover up for his robot heart. His explosion revealed that underneath his sporting attire were shards of metal, cogs and gears, and red and yellow-glowing buttons bolted together with the words “Humor Machine” stenciled across the chest. Investigators are piecing together diary entries and various other clues and are suspecting that Galen Cobb was a pet project of Alex Kerr’s; however, they are waiting on more information before they claim such an assertion.
Department: Economics Pio: Why did you decide to come to Whitman? Bob Barker: George Bridges was the closest to my actual retail price, without going over. Pio: What are you most excited about for this upcoming year? Bob Barker: Help control the pet population! Have your pets spayed or neutered!
PIKACHU Department: Physics (Specialty: Electricity and Magnetism) Pio: Why did you decide to come to Whitman? Pikachu: Pikaaaa…CHU! Pio: How does Ash feel about you leaving to aid students in the pursuit of higher education? Pikachu: Pika pika chu, pika chu chu. Pio: Are you concerned about the obvious language barrier? Pikachu: Chu.
DUMBLEDORE Department: Philosophy Pio: Why did you decide to come to Whitman? Dumbledore: Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it . . . but they stopped asking, so I moved on. Pio: So you aren’t actually dead? Dumbledore: You think the dead we loved ever truly leave us?
DUMBLEDORE
Student body president, Backpage writer, the man was a worker. Damluji was found at the local clock factory crushed between the cogs and gears of the Giant Clock Maker. Damluji was fond of clocks, often trying to stretch or stop his clock so as to finish work for his incredibly difficult ASWC work of watching VideoGum or unearthing the most obscure remixes of popular Drake songs. The Whitman Department of Trophies was crushed to learn of the death of Damluji, their favorite recipient. “After we gave him the Watson and honors on his thesis, we just couldn’t stop making trophies for him!,” said Trophy director Rebecca Trout. “What are we going to do with this ‘Best Bangs by a Glasses Wearer’ or ‘Best Nadim Damluji’ trophies?” Damluji’s presidency will be filled by current Vice-President, Jordan Clark.
BOB BARKER
BOB BARKER
Backpage editor Alex Kerr was found mangled and scraped at the bottom of a steep rock crag in Palouse. Items found in his messenger bag included: 14 bags of cherry sours, index cards with “humorous” ideas listed on them, and a notebook marked “All I’ll ever need to know about sociology,” all of the pages of which were blank except for one page that read “People do the darndest things.” The police suspect Kerr fell to his bloodied death on a solo climbing trip to Palouse in an effort to “heighten” the joke that was his life. “If anyone knows where his shoes are please inform us,” said Deputy Jack Floitruy. “Perhaps they are the last clue to help us understand the final moments that lead up to the gruesome death of Alex Kerr.”
LORAX
ALEX KERR:
New faculty preview
The Backpage recently sat down with Whitman’s new faculty hires to discuss why they came to Whitman and their plans for next year. This is what we found out.
Seniors Galen Cobb, Nadim Damluji and Alex Kerr before their horrible, horrible, violent, violent deaths.
by SIMI SINGH “Sad” news broke Whitman campus the other day when senior editor of the Backpage Alex Kerr and his fellow Backpage writers, seniors Nadim Damluji and Galen Cobb, had apparently died at the same time but for three completely different reasons. Here are their stories:
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ILLUSTRATIONS BY E. JOHNSON