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Nov
17 2011
Typical Social Networking @ Whitman lurkbook Super intelligent guy who probably should have attended Reed instead of Whitman because he is constantly tweaking out and consequently way too into commenting on metaphysical properties of the weather loves it when the wind kisses your face with her cold, dry lips. Like
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20 seconds ago
That one girl who is always changing her relationship status because she thinks that one-night stands are the same as relationships went from being “single” to “in a relationship.” Like
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1 minute ago
Girl who hates school and only posts about weekends, breaks or socializing Only FIVE MORE DAYS till the weekend!!!!!! Like
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11 minutes ago
That girl who takes a photo of every meal she makes and then tries to tag it with a humble tagline to make it look like it wasn’t difficult to make made some simple choucroute garnie with a lil’ bit of bouillabaisse to top it off for din-din tonight. Yum! Like
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13 minutes ago
Girl who’s always trying to prove to everyone how talented she is, but is too busy with “important” tasks to actually prove it I would have made the same thing tonight, but I had to work on a 12-page thesis for my double major, double minor :/ No rest for the gifted, I guess, haha ;) Girl who hates school and only posts about weekends, breaks or socializing Only two weeks until break tho Popular kid who posts random, superfluous statuses which people feel obligated to like because they know how popular he is What’s the deal with carabiners? Like
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16 minutes ago
39 people like this.
K N O W Y O U R
CAMPUS CULTS
“The Partiers”
Characteristics: • Going out every night from Thursday to Saturday • Dancing or otherwise gyrating to music (preferably turned up high enough to make the brain liquify and spill out the ears) • Devoted worshiping of the deity known only as “Shots”
“The Devoted Students”
Characteristics: • An almost disturbing obsession with the quiet room in the library and a sick desire to be the last one there in order to receive the highest honor: signing one’s name in “The Book” • Starting homework the night it’s assigned
ILLUSTRATION BY VAZQUEZ
• Applying an obscure practice known as “time management” (NOTE: due to scheduling issues, the Backpage has yet to find out to what this refers)
“Basically Everyone”
Characteristics: • An intense delusion regarding how much work can be fit in an hour before class • An inclination to disbelieve any possibility that they will not finish an assignment before the due date • An ability to use absolutely anything as an excuse to not do homework (“IS THAT A BABY IN A WAGON? I SIMPLY CANNOT DO HOMEWORK NOW”)
W
ake up, check the clock. 9:50 a.m. on Nov. 7. Ahh, feels so great to have the full 10 minutes to get ready for Encounters. As I stroll the six feet it takes to get from Jewett to Olin East, I’m surprised at how few people are walking across Ankeny. I mean, come on—it’s 10 o’clock. What about those hoodrats who
have 9 o’clock classes?! And dang, where’s all my fresh meat at for Encounters? Whatever. As I continue through the courtyard and into my class, I realize some fools must be tripping because a gripload of rando upperclassmen are kickin’ it in room 129, having some serious discussion. This is odd . . . what the hell is going on? Don’t these
Comic by Emily Johnson
Best Weekend EVER!!! Watched the greatest movie of all time, “Mission Impossible II,” then made some brownies and hung out with my girls playing Uno for nine hours! Haha life doesn’t get much better than this Comment
21 minutes ago
Friend who got into Columbia and constantly reminds everyone of how much better his life is than everyone else’s James Franco’s lecture last night about the inequalities of a modern-day artist was simply fantastic. God, I love this university! Like
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22 minutes ago
Guy with no musical talent at all who always posts obscure indie song lyrics to narrate what he perceives to be problems of the day “The treacherous streetlights call for the blinders glaring the dark sides of the rule of supply and demand” -Jarle Bernhoft Like
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28 minutes ago
Girl who posts every mundane detail of her daily life Laundry, work, lunch, work, class, haircut, dinner, homework, sleep. Here we go again . . . Like
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30 minutes ago
Girl who’s16always trying to prove Comment minutes ago to everyone how talented she is, but is too busy with “important” tasks to actually prove it Yeah, I have to work at all three of my jobs today, then go to my four student leadership meetings and then go to an extracredit opportunity for Bio that’s only offered for the A+ students . . . ugh Girl who hates school and only posts about weekends, breaks or socializing Only FIVE MORE DAYS till the weekend!!!!!!
That one girl who is always changing her relationship status because she thinks that one-night stands are the same as relationships went from being “in a relationship” to “single.” Like
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30 minutes ago
“The Freshmen”
Characteristics: • Continually complaining about a ritual or rite known only as “Encounters” • General emotional breakdowns during class registration • Occasionally merging with the Partiers . . . at least until they are kicked out
“Whitties”
Characteristics: • A devastating blend of intelligence and good looks • The questionable pairing of socks with any kind of shoe • At least two unusual talents, ranging from unicycling to Tuvan throat singing
Now that you have been educated, the question remains: Which cult will suck YOU in?
Daylight Savings gone wrong
Girl who thinks she has it all but everyone knows it could be much, much better
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cats know it’s Encounters time?! Well, this is too weird. Imma just take a two-hour nap before lunch. Waking up, I head down to the dining hall at 11:55. What the heck!! Jewett dining hall . . . closed on a Monday!! Is it doomsday? This must be the apocalypse!! I should really spend less time at the library, yo.