FEB
14 2013
BACKPAGE: INSIDE EDITION 11 PAGE
Student who has watched a lot of Nelly’s music videos has skewed idea of Valentine’s Day
F
or the small, inbreeding population of Whitman students who are in happy relationships, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for partners to celebrate each other and acknowledge their inherent superiority over the rest of the student population. For most other Whitman students, though, Valentine’s Day is only a consumer-supported reminder of their loneliness and disappointment with the conventions of Whitman’s “dating scene.” While committed Whitties make restaurant reservations and consider shaving various areas of their bodies, and single Whitties prepare to throw food and rocks at the few happy couples on cam-
pus, senior Pete Boroughs has his own unusual designs for Valentine’s Day this year. The parttime student and ultimate Frisbee player confessed that his longstanding obsession with the music of St. Louis R&B artist Nelly has recently returned to him. This renewed fascination with Nelly’s musical styling and videography could not have come at a more consequential time. “I’ve been watching a lot of Nelly’s music videos recently. In fact, last week was ‘Nelly Week.’ Usually I take some time to watch some rounds of Magic: the Gathering, but I can’t stop thinking about how much I need a Tip Drill this Valentine’s Day,” Boroughs said.
Nelly, an artist known for his dubious portrayals of women as much as his delightfully catchy music and misspelled song titles, was recently reported to have appeared in nearly every hip-hop music video from 2000-2006. When asked what he had planned for Valentine’s Day, Boroughs pointed to the obvious appeal of Nelly’s lifestyle. “This is what I always dreamed of as a 14-year-old,” Boroughs said, pulling up the music video to “Hot in Herre” on his computer. “I think it’s about time that this dream comes true.” On the screen, a slutty referee mimed taking her slutty referee shirt off, sweat
dripping from her jiggly bits. Nelly’s music videos invariably feature a cadre of muscular black men who roam around clubs in slow motion, hugging other muscular black men or stopping to objectify well-formed, scantilyclad women who seem hopelessly attracted to men with doo-rags and band-aids under their left eyes. Boroughs remembers how slighted he felt on Valentine’s Day in eighth grade, when an adoring girl gave him a box of chocolates and a really nice note: “No booty pops. No gold chains. No Air Force Ones. It was like she had no idea what Valentine’s Day was actually about.” When asked how he intend-
ed to prepare for this year’s Valentine’s Day, Boroughs cited a long list of items he would need: enormous football jerseys for him and his friends to wear backwards, headbands, $500 Air Jordans, somewhere between 35 and 40 bottles of Patron Tequila, bubble bath, a bathtub and lots of dollar bills. Much of this he figures to acquire from Jewett Hall’s games closet. “And of course, it ain’t no fun unless we all get some,” Boroughs concluded, swiping his Whitman ID card downwards in the air, as if one of many voluptuous, invisible women in his room would begin shaking her invisible apple booty in his face.
students Digest 14 Feb 2013 02:00:01 ---------- Forwarded message ---------From: WEB <WEB@whitman.edu> To: students@lists.whitman.edu Subject: Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle
To All Lonely Whitties,
Come join WEB to cuddle out the Valentine’s Day blues! WEB is hosting a cuddle puddle this Valentine’s Day to promote healthy touching, consent and care. The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB) will take place in the Reid Campus Center Ballroom on Valentine’s Day. There will be cuddling, cinnamon roll hugs and snacks. Tickets will be available Monday-Thursday at lunch. Student ID is required for tickets. Only one ticket will be administered to each student.
ILLUSTRATION BY RAIBLE
5 Reasons why Whitman is turning into North Korea
L
ike countless other Whitman students, I have stumbled upon some disturbingly similar connections between our college and our worst (but admittedly somewhat cute) enemies: the North Koreans. At first, it appears like nothing more than a coincidence, but all too quickly it is becoming quite clear that Whitman is slowly morphing into an isolated piece of land where we are all made to enjoy working 19-hour shifts at the physical plant and then given our dried fish ration for dinner and a combination of repressed emotions and quiet desperation for dessert. Yum! 1) The late Kim Jong Il and his successor Teletubby-son, Kim Jong Un, were born with abnormally large bowling ball heads, just like the leader of Whitman College ... George Bridges! 2) Whitman is constantly brainwashing students into thinking outrageous propaganda such as “Whitman is unpreten-
tious,” “Don’t worry! It’s sunny 300 days a year here” and ridiculous posters that make unsubstantiated claims like how “Only 31% of Whitties drink on the weekends,” etc., and the scary part is, just like our sad and ignorant North Korean citizens, we students are falling for everything that our oppressive administration is telling us! 3) Whitman is literally paying actors to attend school events and make us believe that there are other happy people outside of the campus. For instance, have you ever noticed how all of the people that attend a lecture or go to an event in Cordiner Hall seem too complacent and content? That’s because they are all alumni that have been misled into believing that the college has made them happy and they want to return in exchange for large amounts of our money that the administration is paying them to appear that way! 4) As the days, weeks, months and finally years go by, all of our
food starts to look and taste the same. We are unable to differentiate what good food used to taste like and are duped into believing that the dining halls and Reid Campus Center are providing healthy, yummy “options.” The effect is similar to that of when you walk into a room that smells like a rotting banana, but after being forced to stay in the room for two years, not only have you become used to the smell, but also fail to recall any smell other than the one in the room (i.e. Bon Appétit “food”). 5) Groups of students that are invited to the President’s (read: Dictator’s) house are not allowed to speak of what happened and oftentimes can’t remember what happened. They normally brush the subject off with an “Oh, you know, it was nothing but a thing.” These are outdated phrases only a Marxist nation/college would use because we are too far behind the pop cultures of the developing worlds!
The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB—WEB schmeb) reminds students to dress and act appropriately to ensure the best of times. Keep in mind that certain clothes can be difficult to cuddle in: Dresses, skirts, shorts and kilts can ride up, and some clothes may be too constricting. WEB suggests that for health and safety reasons, students bathe before and after attending the event. The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB—how’d you know?) will be monitored by security to keep contact levels where everyone is most comfortable. If you feel uncomfortable at any time, a guard will attend to you. The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (sponsored by WEB—no way!) will not tolerate rude and ill-judged behavior. WEB encourages all students to “ask before you grasp” because “a suggestion is not a question” and everyone knows consent is sexy. The Valentine’s Day Cuddle Puddle (mother-fucking sponsored by fucking WEB) is for everyone. Invite your best friend, that person you just met in the library whom you’ve been staring at in the quiet room for the past three hours, that guy or gal on your IM dodgeball team, that cute server in Jewett Dining Hall or go alone and meet new people. Come try to make a record-breaking cinnamon roll hug, cuddle lake and some friends and possibly more...
<3 WEB (this event is sponsored by WEB)
Dubblebaby by Sam & Toby Alden
for more DUBBLEBABY go to http://dubblebaby.blogspot.com/
PAGE
12
BACKPAGE
Freshman boy unsure if he went on date
L
ast Saturday, Jewett Hall resident Max Wallets went out to get a beverage with a friend of his. A week after the morning out on the town, one thing still confuses Wallets. “Was it a date?” he asked a Pioneer reporter and first-year romance expert. The two met on Ankeny Field and walked to the Patisserie to get coffee after hooking up on the dance floor at Tau Kappa Epsilon Post-I. “We danced a lot. Like, a lot. At the Post-I. Not on the walk. The walk was kind of awkward, actually,” admitted Wallets. In fact, the awkwardness began at the conception of the plan, which was riddled with misunderstanding. “We were talking about Taylor Swift, as I often do at parties to get girls. Girls love Taylor Swift. When she asked what I thought about the new album, I suppressed girly giggles to coolly tell her it ‘was way too poppy.’ She thought I said ‘way too coffee.’ I told her that would not make sense, and she asked what time we were going to the Patisserie. I still don’t know her name,” he cried. Wallets is actually allergic to heated beverages, so he drank room temperature water while his companion sipped an extra foamy caramel frappe-mochaccino and told him about her ex-boyfriend for two hours. “I drank a lot of water. I had to pee for most of it. Pretty much all, actually. She talks a lot,” he said. The girl he took forgot her wallet, so Wallets was forced to pay for her beverage. On the walk home, Wallets finally got a chance to talk. “I told her she was pretty hot. Like hotter than most girls I have hooked up with. And a good dancer, too. I was really just thinking aloud. I’m still pretty surprised she hooked up with me,” confessed Wallets. When they got back to campus, Wallets walked her back to her room, which he discovered was right across the hall from his own. “I guess I never really noticed her before. I play a lot of
FEB
14 2013
Freshman girl goes on best date of all time
G
athered around a Prentiss Dining Hall brunch table, Jewett Hall resident Gabriela Stevens revealed to her friends that she had gone on “THE BEST DATE EVER” the previous evening. Later, in an exclusive Skype session with the Backpage’s romance expert, she revealed the intimate details of this apparent Romeo “without the whole pedophile thing” on campus. “This guy is as original and cute as my nose ring,” admitted Stevens, not looking around Prentiss. The two had met at the TKE Post-I, where a conversation about Stevens’ very original music taste had commenced. “Well, I am a Taylor Swift fan,” giggled Stevens. “Then he asked me to get coffee because of that. I felt like someone finally recognized how unique I am because I like Taylor Swift a moderate amount.”
Smash Bros. Seems pretty weird that we met up on Ankeny, now that I think about it,” he said. They gave an awkward hug that lasted a little longer than Wallets expected and then went into their respective rooms. “I don’t know if I’ll see her. Not in the dating sense. I am really busy and probably won’t notice her again for a while,” he said. For Wallets, the cups of water he drank at the Patisserie marked the first food or beverage he consumed outside of Jewett Dining Hall. “Except Prentiss brunch. I love brunch,” he admitted shamefully. Wallets has never drunk cups of water with a girl, but doesn’t see it as a binding contract. “What if I get thirsty around another girl? I can drink with her, right? I mean, it was just water, and kind of awkward, really,” he said awkwardly.
ADVERTISEMENT
www.whitman.edu/ entrepreneurship
And how did this tale of epic proportions continue? In the romantic lush of the wheat fields? In the soothing green land of Narnia? In the blood-stained dungeonarium of the Beta Basement? “Nay,” neighed Stevens, quite like a horse. “We just met on Ankeny [Field] and walked to some AWESOME coffee shop. I’d never been there before. But the place just reminded me of romance.” The fact that the place reminded her of romance may have been because she actually had been there on a romantic evening involving carriage rides, roses and Yellowtail. Regrettably she had been accidentally hit on the back of the head at the end of the night by a drunk Whitman College baseball pitcher playing catch with himself, excited about his recent victories, removing all such memory. “He also just had the most concerned look on his face for most of the time. And I’m pretty sure he was clutching his crotch, like my words were turning him on. That was hot,” said Stevens. The two walked out after her date paid for both. “So classy to pay for his date’s drink. Next time I see him working grounds crew or at Prentiss in the dish pit I’m going to give him a hug. Plus, since I didn’t have to spend my allowance that my parents give me I can get Grey Goose this weekend.” “Then he told me I was super hot. And I love hearing that, because, I mean let’s face it,” said Stevens, looking at herself in the mirror. “The best date I ever went on. He paid, and he didn’t demand anything because of it. And that was a big turn-on. But not, you know, big enough,” were Stevens’ final elbow-jabbing comments to this reporter. ILLUSTRATION BY JONES