The Pioneer Issue 2 Sep 23, 2010 Page 8
This page is full of jokes!
Backpage 2 sexy 4 saturday morning
Top 5 Off Campus Houses You Really Don't Want to Get Drunk At 5. The Slant: It’s just dangerous to walk on a slant when intoxicated. 4. The Mine Field: One misplaced drunk stumble, and your night will be a far more serious trip to the health center. 3. The Unmarked Van: Yes, they have candy, and yes, they lost their puppy, but no, you shouldn’t help them. 2. The Washington State Penitentiary: That cell-made moonshine has more of a kick than your average drank, so if it’s at all possible, drink responsibly. 1. That One Alley Around the Corner from that 7-Eleven where Your Friend Threw Up in that Bush and then Found a Syringe: Seriously?
to: sheend@funtoon.com from: hunterk@funtoon.com cc: all@funtoon.com Hey Dave! Really excited to start brainstorming our fall lineup. I know our first meeting isn’t till Tuesday, but I think I’ve already come up with some winners! Shoot me an email if you’re interested! Looking forward to hearing back! ~ Kirk ------------------------------------to: hunterk@funtoon.com from: sheend@funtoon.com Hi Kirk. I’m glad you’re enthused about our next season; I think we’ve got a opportunity to take last year’s success and run with it. Send me your ideas, I’d like to hear about them.
Duck Diary Dear Diary, Today was my FIRST DAY OF LAKUM DUCKUM JUNIOR HIGH! I was pretty nervous, but there were so many cool kids. This one kid, Chet, is definitely the coolest kid. He is the captain of the diving team and he has the shiniest mallard head out of all the other drakes. Too bad I’m not a mallard. I can’t ever look like Chet, but that’s okay because we are going to be buds. He hangs out with all the other mallard drakes—they are called “the Flock”; so cool—and they do cool things like talk to hen mallards and ditch class. Oh boy, I can’t wait to get to know everyone, they all seem just great. Well, I am exhausted from a day filled with the potential for new friends! Your Friend, Rodney Dear Diary, Today was the second day at Lakum Duckum Junior High, and it was still great. Chet, that cool drake I told you about yesterday, he was talking about diving team tryouts with his friends and I heard him because I was pretty much standing with them. So cool. I think I might go out for the team. Cross your fingers for me, Diary! After school I asked Chet and the Flock if they wanted to come over to my nest and play video games (Mom and Dad said I could have more than two people over at a time while I’m still getting to know my peers); they all said they had a lot of homework, then they all started laughing. I didn’t get the joke, but I was laughing anyway because I don’t have ANY homework tonight. It’s weird because Chet and I have the same schedule. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow they can come over! Nighty Noodles, Rodney Dear Diary, Today was a good day. I was pretty much hanging out with the gang! At lunch all the cool ducks hang out on this one rock in the middle of the pond. It was full today at lunch, like it is everyday, because everyone wants to eat lunch with Chet and the rest of the Flock—that’s what everyone calls them, the Flock, so cool. Anyway, so since I couldn’t fit
on the rock I just swam around it. I’m sure if there was room up there I could have sat and hung out with them. But it was still cool to hear the conversation. Man, they are so funny. Stan, the second coolest drake in the Flock, was talking about how he is going to hook up with this hen in the spring; she is “so bomb”, as he said. I hope by spring I’ll find a hen as “bomb” as Stan’s! Man, lunch with “the Flock” was great today. Still waiting for tryouts; maybe I can talk to some Flock bros to get some tips. I’m sure Chet will help me out. Sincerely, Rodney Dear Diary, I think Chet has a hearing problem; I’m pretty concerned so I should probably talk to him about it. You see, I think he has a hearing problem because most of the time, when I try to talk to him, he just doesn’t hear me. Like today we were waddling to class and the Flock was up ahead, and I was like, “Wait up drakes!” but they just kept waddling. I know if they had heard me they totally would have waited. Even if it made them late to class they would have waited because those guys are so cool they “don’t give a duck!” about tardiness. That is what they always say: “We don’t give a DUCK,” so cool. Man, they are AWESOME. If Chet does have a hearing problem, I would totally learn sign language so we could still be good buds. I think I should talk to him about it tomorrow. DIVING TEAM TRYOUTS TOMORROW! I’m so nervous I could lose the rest of my prepubescent down! Chet already lost all his down, so cool. Night night, don’t let the feather bugs bite! Rodney Dear Diary, I didn’t make the diving team. Chet is a douche. And he has perfectly good hearing. I hate this pond. Shut up, Rodney
Last year, tragedy struck the United States Navy, a tragedy which the U.S. military is still coping with. In June, the U.S.S. Vengaboys, the first American party submarine, or “Party Sub”, went missing off the Alaskan coast somewhere in the Bering Sea. This mystery went unsolved until two months ago when a small Norwegian fishing vessel discovered the floating remains of the sub floating in the South Pacific. However, the mystery of the Vengaboys’ location soon gave way to a second, even more haunting mystery: military personnel did not find a single member of the crew onboard. The Backpage had its staff of trained researchers comb over reports and recordings from the sub’s short time at sea, and eventually compiled a transcript of the crew’s final moments on board.
Let me know what you think! ------------------------------------to: hunterk@funtoon.com from: sheend@funtoon.com
shirtlessadventurespromo.jpg
David Sheen Production Director, FunToon Inc. (502) 555-1343 ext. 234 -------------------------------------to: sheend@funtoon.com from: hunterk@funtoon.com cc: all@funtoon.com Sounds awesome! Here’s what I’ve got so far: Number one: Shirtless Adventures! Four best friends and their “surfer dude” cheetah pal are taking a vacation, Hawaii-style...but when a spooky ghost starts haunting the hotel, the gang takes a no-top pit stop to solve the case—shirtless! (I attached some quick concept art up top!) Number two: Bikini Heroes! Becky and her friends never thought they’d spend their days saving lives in swimsuits...until they became Bikini Heroes! Now Becky, Ann and Mary-Jane have to beat the baddies bikini style...and still make it in time for class at their all-girls school! And finally, numero tres: Hot Dog Squad! When upstart rival Donna Dogs beats four-time prom queen Bella at the school hot-dog eating competition, she gets to the join the elite Hot Dog Squad! (The big selling point would be the hot dog eating scenes—I’m thinking that “300” effect where things slow down and then go really fast! I’m thinking Zach Synder to direct, maybe we could give him a call?) Attachments: turespromo.jpg
shirtlessadven-
PARTY
SUB
The mystery of their disappearances remains unsolved, but we present this transcript to you now with the hopes that one of you may uncover the final clue which will allow us to mourn their passing with certainty. [Loud music that experts identify as Andrew W.K.’s “Party Hard”. Shouting, sounds of frivolity and enjoyment] Captain: Okay guys, I’ve got the Jello shots! Lieutenant: WOOOO! [Shouting, general sounds of agreement and happiness] Second Lieutenant: Bryan drinks first! Lieutenant: Fuck you guys! [Sounds of drinking] Captain: You men enjoy those. I used the last of our water supply to make them, so try and make sure everyone gets at least one. Unidentified Crewman: Uh, I don’t want to be a buzz-kill or anything, but shouldn’t we try and save some of that? I mean, it looks like we might not be able to get back to the surface for a while, and— Lieutenant: Keg stand! Keg stand! Keg stand! Keg stand! [More shouting. Andrew W.K. song in background cranked up to maximum volume. Conversation lost for some
CANEPA -----------------------------------to: hunterk@funtoon.com from: sheend@funtoon.com Kirk– There are some good ideas here— there have definitely been shows in the past that use the “crime-solving” format. I’m not sure if they need to be shirtless, unless I’m missing something? Bring it up in the pitch meeting Tuesday and we’ll discuss it then. David Sheen Production Director, FunToon Inc. (502)-555-1343 ext. 234 -------------------------------------to: sheend@funtoon.com from: hunterk@funtoon.com cc: all@funtoon.com Cool—glad you liked the shows! Hey, I’ve got a couple more I want to bounce off ya—tell me what you think! Wet ‘n Wild! Seven teens (thinking two guys, five girls); seven days; one chance to win a night at the grotto in America’s sexiest waterpark! Not a reality show fan? Then grab your spooky bone and get ready for Milfbumps! One not-so-lucky teen spends a night at the abandoned Cougar Mansion on a dare...but he’s about to get a lot more than he bargained for! When sexy milfs crawl out of the walls—literally!—he’s forced to choose between the sultry Vanessa Vampire or the wild Tina Tigress! (Maybe in season two have him get both, but a third spooky milf appears? Could be a running joke!) And finally, five words: Jackie Chan Adventures—in bed!!! Every week Jackie finds himself in a new crazy sexventure! (You know Jackie would be down for this—he’s a funny guy!) Possible villains he faces could include Furball, the insatiable Puma seductress, and Ming-Lao, the beautiful and mysterious kung-fu temptress.
Kirk– I appreciate your enthusiasm for the fall lineup, but some of these pitches seem a little questionable. I’m not entirely certain what a “milf ” is, but I do like the haunted house angle—nobody’s done a “spooky” show lately. Unfortunately the copyright for Jackie Chan Adventures is still held by the WB Kids’ Network, and we don’t want to risk infringement. Again, the pitch meeting for new shows will be this Tuesday, so I encourage you to present your new ideas there. David Sheen Production Director, FunToon Inc. (502)-555-1343 ext. 234 -------------------------------------to: sheend@funtoon.com from: hunterk@funtoon.com cc: all@funtoon.com
Hey—no problemo! I’ve got some more piping-hot show ideas cookin’ in the Kirkster’s brain-oven, so lemme throw a few more ‘atcha! Tugrats! This fall, it looks like the Rugrats crew is more “all growed up” than we thought! Tommy and Phil “go wild” and Chuckie earns his new nickname! (I’m thinking leave the girls out of this one!) Next up—Courage the Fuckable Dog! You know what I’m talking about! And last—but definitely not least!—Splooge McFuck in: FuckTales!!! I’m dying to get the boys in animation started up on this! –K-Man -------------------------------------to: all@funtoon.com from: sheend@funtoon.com
FunToon Incorporated regretfully announces the termination of Kirk Hunter in the Research and Development department. Although we will sorely miss Kirk’s contributions to the Funtoon family, we are excited for the upcoming fall lineup and wish Kirk the best in his future endeavors. David Sheen Production Director, FunToon Inc. (502)-555-1343 ext. 234
Breaking News
Op Ed
New Eminem music video just footage of Eminem masturbating and crying
I can link any conversation to my senior art thesis, by Sonja Moondragon
Michael Bay laid to rest in spectacular, special effects-laden funeral procession
Yeah, see, just play it smart and no one gets hurt, see, by Charlie “Babyface” Mortimer, local Tough Guy
Idaho strangler announces move to beating, stabbing
time] Second Lieutenant: Oh man, I’m wasted. I think I’m gonna vomm… Ensign: Dude, no problem, just lean out the window! Unidentified Crewman: Whoa! We’re at least a thousand feet down, the pressure of opening one of those portholes would— Ensign: Relax, fresh meat! Hey guys, I just figured out that we have like, a ton of layers of metal on the walls here that we like, never use. I’ll bet if we take some off we could make a totally awesome Beer Pong table. Second Lieutenant: Aw hell yeah! Titanium Beer Pong! That’s like . . . extra cool. Unidentified Crewman: Whoa . . . guys. We should really be careful, the pressure out there is absolutely— [Loud noises as the men attempt to pry off part of the hull. Andrew W.K. once again turned up to deafening volume. Conversation lost again for some time] Lieutenant: —No, no, you know the up and down thingy? Like the big binoculars? Unidentified Crewman: You mean the periscope? Lieutenant: Whatever! I’ll bet that we could use that to make a totally awesome bong. Captain: Sick. As. Hell.
I’ll bet I can find more potato bugs than you!, by Your Little Cousin
Unidentified Crewman: Uh . . . we pretty much have to have that if we want to resurface. Also we should probably take a break from partying for a second, I think Jeff just spilled his Sobe-Gin drink onto some of our navigation controls . . . Second Lieutenant: PARTY FOUL!!! JEFF DOES A TRIPLE KEG STAND! Lieutenant: Man, if only we had some more water for the bong . . . Ensign: Hey man, there’s water all around us, why do you think they call it a sub marine? Lieutenant: Oh yeah, I guess I never thought of that! Second Lieutenant: Jeff! Get over here for your keg stand! Unidentified Crewman: Guys, we really have to— [Andrew W.K. turned up loud for the last time. The rest of the conversation is entirely unintelligible.]