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Giggl
February 24 2011
Page 8
Miss Manners Solves Whitman’s Etiquette Dilemmas This week, the Backpage was lucky enough to have Miss Manners step in as a guest columnist. She was more than willing to help us answer some of the fan mail we get here at The Pioneer. Dear Miss Manners, I was wondering, what kind of relationship I should have with my dealer? I Facebookchatted him the other day to ask for an eighth, but is that too impersonal? I just want weed, but I’m told one should treat his dealer nicely, so as not to get ripped off. Is this true? How friendly should I be? If I had better people skills, I wouldn’t need weed... Gentle Reader, Facebookchat? Srsly? Has Miss Manners taught you nothing? You should always call your dealer directly. Maybe have the decency to share a bowl with him. This person is enabling your habits. To quote my favorite readers, The Black Eyed Peas, “Where is da love?” Dear Miss Manners, Is it in poor taste to purchase my weed in Olin? I thought nothing of it, until I told my roommate and he couldn’t stop laughing. Maybe I should switch transaction locations? Gentle Reader, Please don’t waste my time with such tomfoolery. Everyone knows Olin should be your last resort for anything (building in which to take classes, place to print shit, place to buy kush). Go to your dealer’s apartment or behind Apex. Dear Miss Manners, What is the polite way to ask a girl if I can smang it? Gentle Reader, You don’t want to surprise the fair maiden, so I suggest you start off by asking if you can smash it. Once she obliges, you might ask if you can bang it. Shortly after you succeed in making that request, you may ask her to smang it.
SCOREBOARD
On a scale of one to 10, how hot are Whitman’s varsity athletes? by A SWIMMER
10 W Swimming--Daaayyyuum those girls are fine. With those broad shoulders, big guns and hairy legs, who wouldn’t want that?
10
DESIGN BY LERCHIN
WHITMAN DEALBREAKERS
So, you’re thinging with this really cute girl, and are about to ask her out on a legit date. Then she starts talking about her favorite band, Paramore...WTF? You can’t date a girl with such horrible taste. It’s over. Deal breaker. Here are some others:
Theater major Owns a bike with a basket Wears non-prescription glasses Vegetarian/Vegan Wears overalls Talks in abreves (i.e. maybs, totes, probs) Heavy to industrial-strength lesbianism Rigor mortis Uses punctuation in everyday speech Coal for eyes Refuses to use euphemisms for ‘vagina’ Suspicious stains on door handle Owns two humidifiers “just in case” Ginger Use of outer monologue Comes when you whistle Framed photo of George Bridges Uses metaphors from Wind and the Willows during sex Designs Feature page for the Pio Smokes cigars in the bath More than one mustache More chins than fingers Fewer fingers than chins Gives you an actual head on your birthday
Screw you,Writing House Thief
9 M & W Cross Country-six-packs and 5 percent body fat, I’d tap that.
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8 M Swimming--Overshadowed by the women’s team. Props for effort.
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8.5 M & W Soccer--Nice ass(es).
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7 W Basketball--Attempt to bring back the side ponytail is honorable.
Dear thief, We realize that you snuck into the Writing House recently while the residents were all at dinner. You took Will's Macbook and headphones. Additionally, you stole Eric's backpack. From what the Backpage has heard, this "sucks big time." Will now has to walk to the library to play CityJumper (an Internet game to which the Backpage may or may not be addicted). Eric must use an average person backpack, which looks kind of funny on his 6'4 frame. You have "ruined [their] lives." The Writing House has contacted the Backpage, and would like to publicly extend amnesty to you, you "horrible beezy." You have one week in which to return the items with no questions asked. If you do not comply, Eric and Will would like to assure you that they will be "super bummed … like seriously."
6 5 M Basketball--Beating the number one school in the nation ... that’s kinda hot.
5 4
5.5 Tennis--Lacks diversity. Where da homies at? 4.5 Volleyball--Spandex isn’t flattering for anyone, but you pull it off pretty well.
3 2 Baseball--Goon squad. (Too many freshman.)
2 1
XOXO The Backpage
Is there even a Golf team?
THE BACKPAGE IS LOOKING FOR Humor writers Physics tutors Boyfriends
Flamethrowers Pastry chefs Kittens
Casual sex Bourgeois ideals The new Theophilus London album
Email dulekde@whitman.edu if you are interested!
COMIC
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Puzzle Slut
ACROSS 1. “True” Oscar Nominee 5. Quasi of “Notre Dame” 9. _____ Culpa 12. Spanish wineskin 13. Pretty NASA website 14. Tiny demon 15. Amenhotep’s god 16. Belgian artist Magritte 17. Snooze 18. Franklin: Going to put all I have on the table 21. Abbr. for exclusive fan of 1992 “Opiate” EP 22. Reason to stop tapping trees 24. Waves between 300MHz and 3GHz 27. “What _____ beneath…” 30. “______, Brute?” 31. Pete: Check out my awesome hand 34. iPod function 35. Little Great Lake 36. Sub-Saharan dem. state 37. _____ N9ne 39. Bad day .com 41. Elizabeth: Draw dead 46. For each 47. Hang or toe 48. Paper or soul 50. Inclusive of 26-down among other subsets
51. Largest Canadian First Nation 52. Bears, to Lupe 53. Claypool of Primus 54. Flightless birds 55. Clan division
42. Nate’s embolism exclamation in “Six Feet Under” 43. Vowels minus A and sometimes Y, and out of order 44. “Don’t _____ me, bro” 45. What one might do in the name of the law or love 46. Buddy 49. NYC time
DOWN 1. Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire OS 2. South Asian flatbread 3. Agenda part 4. Argentine dance ANSWERS 5. Like Indian Ocean trade G N U B 6. More than ajar 7. Vietnamese currency Y I N E 8. Music building, to Cicero 9. Chaplain R E C A L 10. Exudes O C U L A 11. Prog. for an iPhone 19. Peek at S E T A 20. German national football coach M I 23. Chrysalis B A N O N 24. Wedding, to Mahmoud 25. Howdy-do A D A A 26. Purely visual aesthetics H A N O I 28. Sound detector 29. Breathes in with a runny S E C R nose 32. Seven-hundred five A T T A 33. Version or crew L R T L 38. As a consequence 40. Harry Potter’s enlightenG A E A ment?
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