April Fools Edition 2011

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MAC TO BE A CO-ED DORM IN 2011-2012 09 ASWU TO HAND OUT 100- DOLLAR BILLS IN NEXT MEETING

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VOLUME 101, ISSUE 13.5

The Whitworthian has served as the main source of jokes and fake coverage for the Whitworth community since 43 A.D. The Whitworthian is an organization composed entirely of nefarious ne’er-do-wells who half-heartedly produce The Whitworthian weekly newspaper and thewhitworthian.com.

OUR MISSION: The Whitworthian staff is dedicated to presenting Whitworth students in a poor light, defaming ASWU, exposing our corrupt administration, and getting as much free food in exchange for advertising space as possible.

GENERAL INFORMATION: The print edition of The Whitworthian is published weekly, except when we get bored with it. The content is fabricated entirely by students. The college administration does not review the newspaper’s content.

Opinions and ideas expressed in The Whitworthian are those of the individual artists, writers and student editors, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Associated Students of Whitworth University (ASWU), the university, its administration, faculty/staff or advertisers–unless those opinions or views would make someone look bad, in which case that’s why we printed it and so you can go ahead and blame them.

OPINIONS POLICY: Columns, editorial cartoons and reviews are, by and large, a complete joke.

PUBLIC FORUM: The Whitworthian is a public forum that believes in freedom of speech and expression as guaranteed in the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

Pysche!

CONTACT US: Don’t. We’ll contact you.

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Editorial: IN THE LOOP

Serving the Whitworth community since 1905

Decision to construct stem cell research lab in new science building a good move for campus In the wake of the Whitworth administration’s controversial decision to include a stem cell research lab in the new Robinson Science Building, many community members are understandably upset. However, this board feels that the decision is a solid step forward for Whitworth, and that most concerns will be smoothed over once a few critical misunderstandings have been cleared up.

The issue has been raised that conducting stem cell research on campus would be coming down solidly on one side of a current controversy of Christian ethical thinking - something Whitworth has refrained from doing in other areas. Certainly, building a lab like this and performing this type of research does send a message, but this board feels that it is one of progress rather than one of ethics.

Seeing stem cell research as an ethical issue at all represents a flawed understanding of both ethics and commonly accepted Biblical teaching. Ethics is a concept concerned with making decisions - right and wrong, this or that, etc. - whereas research is clearly not a decision making process, but rather a scientific method of separating fact from theory. Trying to evaluate any type of research through the lens of ethics is a pointless endeavor.

Also, even vague knowledge of Biblical teaching is enough for anyone able to link two coherent thoughts together to see that the Bible does not speak about ethics, research, stem cells, or anything related. Trying to base a decision like building a stem cell research lab on Biblical principles is like trying to use the nutritional pyramid to decide whether or not it is morally correct to eat a cat: it can’t be done, and shouldn’t

be attempted.

If Whitworth truly wants to present it students with an education of mind and heart, it should be doing everything in its power to keep both mind and heart healthy - and it’s common knowledge that this type of research is leading to cures for both brain and coronary diseases. If a few feathers are ruffled along the way, it’s just the price of being ahead of the curve.

This research lab will not only give Whitworth a unique selling point to more enlightened prospective science majors (a stated goal of constructing a new science building), but it also paves the way for future improvements. This board sees a future where Whitworth is a leading center of research not only in the area of stem cells, but also cloning, genetic enhancement, and perhaps even cybernetic studies.

Who knows? Maybe one day students will wake up to a Whitworth campus that is home to its very own nuclear reactor. And that’s something we can all agree is a great step toward the type of campus we want to be.

In the end, despite all our best efforts, this will likely remain a controversial decision. However, this board feels that controversy can be a good thing. It helps weed out the weak-minded, and there’s nothing like conservative fanatics to make liberals look smart.

So whatever side of this issue you fall on, do your part to make this research lab a stellar beginning to Whitworth’s step into the future.

Editorials in the “In the Loop” section reflect the majority opinion of the Editorial Board, which is made up of six editors.

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WHITWORTHIAN STAFF:

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I am severely disappointed in your newspaper’s lack of coverage concerning vampires. If you haven’t noticed, vampires have a permanent existence in our society, fueled by media influences–specifically Twilight.

I did notice, however, that you dedicated a two-page spread AND a humor column to the wizarding world of Harry Potter. Seriously? Who wants to hear about friendship and conquering evil when there are vampires waiting to turn you into an undead sparkly piece of rock?

I don’t want to read about a trio of friends who carry wands and wear clothes. I want a complete synopsis of the lack of clothing coverage employed by Edward and Jacob. (By the way, I’m on both of their teams. I can’t decide which one is hotter.) I expect a two-page spread devoted to the midnight release of Breaking Dawn: Part 1 in November. I don’t care if that’s seven months away ... you obviously need to start studying up right now.

I expect more from the Whitworthian when it comes to fictional super-

natural issues. Get your act together, and maybe this reader will stick around.

-anonymous freshman TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: I want to thank the campus of Whitworth University for making my video, “Friday,” the most hated video on YouTube. Without your hits, retweets, Facebook link posts and word-ofmouth cynicism, I would still be a nobody in California whose parents blew $2,000 on a recording session for no reason.

I also wanted to inform you and your readers that I am coming out with a brand-new line of flip calendars, hitting Icing stores everywhere April 10. Now everyone – not just me – can know which day of the week it is!

My friends are here, so I need to go figure out which seat in the car I’m going to sit in. Thank you again for all your lack of support.

-rebecca Black

{STAFF Spring 2011} Calls Himself the Boss Jerod Jarvis jerod.jarvis@whitworthian.com Actually the Boss Andrea Glover andrea.glover@whitworthian.com Hivemine Andy Schwartzmeyer andy.schwartzmeyer@whitworthian.com Grammar Gremlin Tori Sullivan tori.sullivan@whitworthian.com Style Nazi Cherise Hensley cherise.hensley@whitworthian.com Forrest Baird Groupie Jessica Valencia jessica.valencia@whitworthian.com Closet Crazy Dancer Evanne Montoya evanne.montoya@whitworthian.com Resident Hobo Andrew Gjefle andrea.gjefle@whitworthian.com Office Organizer Sophie Sestero sophie.sestero@whitworthian.com Speaker of Words Chelsea Kwast chelsea.kwast@whitworthian.com Jim’s Biggest Fan Kara Heatherly kara.heatherly@whitworthian.com Strapping Jock Alex Blade alex.blade@whitworthian.com Photoshop expert Chrissy Roach chrissy.roach@whitworthian.com No Journalistic Integrity Tobin Eyestone tobin.eyestone@whitworthian.com Spreader of Lies Morgan Feddes morgan.feddes@whitworthian.com

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WHITWORTHIAN STAFF: Take down the friggin’ Christmas tree already. It’s been in your window for months now, and every time I see it I, as an atheist, am deeply offended.

I shouldn’t have to be subjected to that kind of thing anywhere, least of all a Christian school.

And even if that wasn’t an issue, it’s just a little ... faux pa, if you know what I mean. Do you really want to be the people who show up at parties and everyone points at them because they haven’t taken their Christmas tree down? Right now, you guys are like the white trash neighbors of Whitworth. Stop it.

-Jimmy

Write a letter to the editor. The Whitworthian grudgingly accepts reader responses to articles or issues of noninterest to the Whitworth community. Send letters to editor@whitworthian.com or submit online. Limit to 200 words.

Code Monkey Ryan Gerhard ryan.gerhard@whitworthian.com Artsy Fartsy Annette Farrell annette.farrell@whitworthian.com Lord and Master Jim McPherson jmcpherson@whitworth.edu Staff Members Nejela Almohanna, Michael Moore, Brianna Anderson, Haley Atkinson, Sarah Berentson, Batman, Kyle Bohigian, Amy Carlson, Hannah Charlton, Maria Chumov, Al Gore, Dani Dubois, Rebecca Eng, Kara Fisher, Charlie Sheen, Andrew Forhan, Audrey Gore, Jenna Hansen, Emily Hanson, Maddie Hayes, Andrea Heeter, Andrew Keyser, Kyle Kim, Lucas Kok, Deidre Low, Alli Marshall, Santa Clause, Nick Martin, Hollie McCrea, Jo Miller, Max Nelsen, Charlene O’Connor, Josh Olsby, Kermit the Frog, Remi Omodara, Lauren Otheim, Lindsay Pund, Caitlin Richmond, Jack Bauer, Melissa Ross, Anne Roth, Emily Roth, David Rurik, Tara Sackman, Rebecca Southwick , Caitlyn Starkey, Lindsie Wagner, Nathan Webber, Iris Wu and Taylor Zajicek.

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Return of the keyboards Story by Robert Capa

Change on the way

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Contact Robert Capa at famousjournalist@whitworthian.com.

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While the rapid change in stance in the Core 150 and 350 classes might leave some confused, Core 250 team members say that allowing students to use their laptops in class hasn’t been a problem.

“Sure, [students are] all over the Internet and maybe 30 percent of them are actually paying attention to what I’m saying, but it’s a worldview class,” said philosophy professor Forrest Baird. “There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ worldview - in fact, I look forward to a day when our debate between Plato and Aristotle morphs into a three-way that includes Mark Zuckerburg.”

While the Core 250 team hasn’t banned laptops, it have been using the filtering system during the spring semester to help test it for the other Core classes in the fall.

“We haven’t actually blocked any sites,” Core 250 team member Leonard Oakland said, “but I’ve found it amusing to see how many of our supposedly intelligent students are spending their brain cells watching stupid cat videos on Youtube.”

The new system will be used on a trial basis for the 2011-2012 school-year. It will be evaluated before the decision to carry it further is made.

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son they go to class in the first place.

“I lead a busy life,” senior Tobin Eyestone said.

“Core is the only time I can just sit back, relax, focus on my news feed and get a little Minecraft in.”

The new system will be explained to students on the first day of class in the fall. Students who have concerns about the rules will be encouraged to talk to their section leaders, but Core team members indicated that changes would be “unlikely.”

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Laptops will be readmitted to Core 150 and 350 installed in the Robinson Teaching Theater which classes starting fall 2011. will make it impossible for students to access webIn a surprising decision representing a reversal sites deemed distracting or undesirable by the Core in thinking, the Core teams are planning to encour- teams. age students to bring their computing devices to Websites to be blocked include Facebook.com, class in order to “increase community values and MySpace.com, Wikipedia.com, Sparknotes.com deepen commitment to an ever-changing learning and RateMyProfessors.com. environment.”

The filtering system will allow students to access “We banned laptops from Core primarily be- sites “conducive to a community minded environcause they were a distraction for students,” said ment focused on an educational atmosphere,” said professor of theology Keith Beebe, a member of the professor Mike Ingram, Core 350 team member.

Core 150 team.

Whitelisted sites include Blackboard.com.

Laptops were also causing All other websites will be students to score lower on tracked by a URL logging systests and class assignments, “I look forward to a day when tem which will send reports Beebe said. our debate between Plato to team leaders at the end of “We did an informal examevery class session. Students and Aristotle morphs into found to be spending time on ination of grades, and found a three-way that includes sites not deemed to be “conduthat students who brought Mark Zuckerburg.” their laptops to class scored cive to learning” will be docked an average of an entire letter points and, potentially, have - Professor Forrest Baird grade lower than their peers their overall grade reduced. who went without,” he said.

There is some concern that Philosophy professor Keith the filtering system is “too draWyma explained the change of heart, saying that a conian.” Several students and some faculty memgeneral feeling developed that treating college stu- bers have spoken up against the proposal. dents like third graders was “a bad idea,” even if it “It’s true that college students have the attention was “let’s be honest, realistic.” span of lovesick chihuahuas, but honestly I have no Students have reacted favorably to the news. desire to have to look through a student’s web his“I’m so glad I waited to take Core 150 next year,” tory,” said Gordon Jackson, who led the “Censorfreshman Katie Dolan said. “Trying to take notes ship” section in Core 350 for the 2010-2011 schoolwithout a computer makes me feel like I’m living in year. the stone age.”

Jackson said he didn’t have the time or the desire to be “scarred for life.”

Some restrictions apply Junior Jessica Valencia also had concerns.

“I love Forrest Baird as much as the next student, While laptops will be allowed but the idea of him playing big brother on me while back into the classroom, it I’m just trying to stay afloat in a sea of boredom is, won’t be without several quite frankly, angering,” she said. restrictions. A strict filMany students expressed the feeling that Facetering system is being book, Tumblr, and browser games are the only rea-

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Core 150 and 350 will again allow students to bring their laptops to class starting next fall, with some restrictions

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Whitworth to institute new demerit policy

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Story by Bob Woodward After an exhaustive survey of student behavior conducted by consulting professors from each department and by planting microphones in classrooms, the Whitworth administrative board has deemed the discipline of its undergraduates to be lacking. As a result, a decision has been reached to institute a demerit and detention system in hopes of seeing some improvement.

Vice President for Student Life Kathy Storm explained, “Student behavior in the classroom is out of control. Kids show up late for exams, talk to each other in class, play Farmville in Core, and cast lascivious looks every which way. I can hardly stand it.”

The system will be based upon a series of marks, issued by the teacher over the course of each month, culminating in various levels of punishment. For example, an unexcused absence will result in 15 demerits, showing up late to class will be five, and offering false excuses for late or missing homework will be at the teacher’s discretion.

Richard Mandeville, Associate Dean of Students, points out that once students leave the dorms, they tend to lose all control. “RAs can’t be everywhere,” he said. “Once they leave their student leaders’ protective gaze, they tend to go feral, and professors bear the brunt of their antics.”

The demerit system is intended to allow professors to take back some control.

When enough marks have accumulated, a series of penalties will be meted against the offending student. After 25, an automatic deduction of half a letter grade on the next assignment will be given. Once 40 demerits are given, students will be sent to detention. In order to ensure the effectiveness of this system, a “detention facility” is currently under construction in the Back 40, where offenders will be sent for a period of time determined by the professor and a small panel of local prosecutors.

The administration is hoping that these measures are sufficient, but fears that more extreme measures may be necessary. One source, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “The Westboro Baptist protest really opened our eyes to the true nature of our students; they are degenerate hedonists, and we have to take the necessary measures to keep them in line.”

Should the proposed system proves ineffective, a plan is already in the works to install a public gallows next to the Campanile.

Contact Bob Woodward at bobby.boy@whitworthian.com.

Campanile to be remodeled Story by Anna Quindlen Due to a unusually large gift from his own particular minimalist aesthe Class of 2011, the University will thetic, resulting in an elegantly stalnow be able to undertake the exten- wart and solid but airy monument sive remodeling of the campanile that adds to its surroundings. long awaited by the many. AccordThe design includes a fountain ing to the project manager Ed Kelly, running through the inside of the this is an opportunity to remodel structure that will shoot off specand touch up the tacular jets of water campus landthrough the campamark, updating it Kolbo’s design crosses nile’s tip at the top for a new generaRomanesque weight with of every hour. Two tion of students large beige concrete Gothic sensibilities coming in. Kelly spheres will be was tasked with erected at the base overseeing the construction which with floodlights that will accentuis slated to begin at the end of May, ate the organic shapes the design to be completed mid-July. calls for in the evenings. The shaft A variety of people were asked to of the campanile itself will be faced submit proposals, but it was Whit- with cream colored stone. A small worth’s very own Art professor Scott round topped roof cover the upKolbo’s design which was selected. permost portion of the monument, Kolbo’s design crosses Romanesque doubling as a faux-roof and a water weight with Gothic sensibilities into reclamation basin, in keeping with

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Whitworth’s sustainability commitments. Real bells are to be installed, a gift from former trustee Tom Delanty, transforming the campanile into a real bell tower.

Senior Jared Lollar, “This is pretty neat. It’s going to be one of the first times a class gift has been put to good use.”

“I’m really excited about the changes they’re going to make,” exudes senior Kayla Hughes, “Everyone back home in Boise used to make fun of me over the fact that our school didn’t have real bells and only played bell sounds over some loudspeakers glued to this brick thing.”

Contact Anna Quindlen at anna.q@whitworthian.com.

New prof brings exciting specialty Story by Carl Bernstein Chinese and Spanish don’t sound like your thing? Starting next fall, students will have an exciting new option to fulfill their modern languages requirement: English dialects and accents.

The modern languages department will announce this weekend the hiring of new faculty member, Robert Platte, who will teach the class. Platte will be moving from his current position as chair of the department of modern languages at Southwestern College in Winfield, Kan. “I’m quite excited about this opportunity,” Platt said. “The sheer breadth of existing English dialects and accents is staggering, and a course focused on teaching some of the more common ones to students will go a long way toward improving the diversity of campus.”

The class, which is planned for the Fall 2011 semester, will be a 3-credit course. It will focus on training students to speak in Scottish English, Irish English, Jamaican English, Welsh English and Hawaiian Pidgin.

Platt came up with the idea for the

PLATTE course while traveling during his sabbatical in 2007.

“Even just going from Ireland to Scotland to Wales is a startling experience, dialectically speaking,” he said.

His travels took him beyond the British Isles to Jamaica, Australia, Hawaii, and the American deep south.

Platt said that as he learned to mimic

the accents of the native speakers, he was more easily able to blend in and experience the culture.

“People treat you differently if they realize you’re a tourist,” he said.

“Students will learn to correctly pronounce words such as “haggis” and “poi” - a Hawaiian dish which looks and tastes remarkably like wallpaper paste” Modern languages associate professor Bendi Schrambach expressed excitment over Platt’s course.

“This is an area of language that not many universities are pursuing,” she said. With English the most commonly spoken language on the planet, learning its nuances and varieties is the fastest way for students to learn to speak as millions of people around the globe do.

The class will fulfill the modern languages general education requirement, and will be added into the requirements for graduating with a major in the department.

Contact Carl Bernstein at bob.is.mean@whitworthian.com.

H.U.B. expansion to be dedicated to accomodating 47 new ASWU positions In a recent campus-wide e-mail, President Beck Taylor announced that the upcoming expansion to the Hixson Union Building will be for the select purpose of making enough room for at least 47 new positions to be added to the Associated Students of Whitworth University.

“The need for solid student leadership is greater now than ever,” Taylor said. “We believe this is the best way to put deciding power in the hands of those most fit to use it.”

Since taking over, President Taylor has been boundlessly impressed with the fluid, efficient workings of ASWU, and expressed a desire for its influence to be even wider.

Continued online at thewhitworthian.com.

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Contact Taylor Zajicek at noreply@whitworthian.com.

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Contact Brianna Anderson at vampiressuck@whitworthian.com.

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where the novels takes place and is now a tourist spot for fans from all over the country.

“My cousin and me drove there last summer and were shocked by how many people were there,” said sophomore Kelly Lambert, “There were posters of Edward and Bella in every shop’s window display.”

Twilight has become a teen culture commodity. Vampire merchandise of all kinds is manufactured to fit the context of the films and book series.

“I don’t think the movies are as cheesy as everyone makes them out to be,” said freshman Emma Hutton, “I’m looking forward to meeting Stephenie Meyers in person.”

NEWS

This year’s GetLit! Festival 2011 will feature author Stephenie Meyers. She will read from her works Monday April 4, at 6. p.m. in Robinson Teaching Theater, as a part of the annual festival hosted by the Whitworth University English Department. Admission is free to students and alumni.

Meyer’s first novel “Twilight” climbed the charts of “The New York Times” bestseller list soon after its release in 2005. Since then Meyer’s has written three more books completing the Twilight Saga. The last novel in the Twilight Saga, “Breaking Dawn,” sold more than 1.3 million copies in the first 24 hours of its release. The Twilight movies have also increased Meyer’s popularity.

The Twilight Saga has become a worldwide phenomenon. Forks, Washington is the city

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Story by Brianna Anderson

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Stephenie Meyers visits Whitworth

A newly chartered campus club, “Activists for Activism” sponsored a gathering around the campanile last Saturday at 9:05 a.m. The heavily advertised event was poorly attended and essentially went unnoticed. The demonstration, officially titled “Get upset, damnit!” was the brainchild of club president Larry Pickett, a junior from Kent, Ohio. “A couple friends and I were kicking back, watching the protests in the Middle East and we felt really, like, inspired. If they get that passionate over there about democracy or whatever, why can’t we do the same at Whitworth?” said Pickett.

While researching Whitworth’s history of protests, Pickett and his friends were surprised to discover that a number of sit-ins and demonstrations had occurred on campus, primarily in the 1960’s. However, they were dismayed to see that the last decade has been relatively calm, with the exception of several notable scandals over ASWU election fraud and resignations, posters deemed offensive, and the infamous Core-Sexism-Gate (I wanted to call it Cong Gate, but I knew you’d shoot me).

“We think that the student body is too passive. We’re inundated with terrible world crises on the news, in class, and through all kinds of other media. This saturation has dulled our consciences and we’ve lost our ability to feel,” said sophomore treasurer Joan Seeger.

The founders of Activists for Activism appealed for financing from ASWU last month and received $19.63, after they successfully convinced the Finance Committee that the money would go toward construction paper and root beer, not petrol bombs and effigies of George Bush. “The club was really hoping to get more for the demonstration, but apparently, the rest of the student government’s $50,000 surplus is going to buy intramural equipment and ‘Approved by ASWU stickers’” said Pickett.

Six students (including Pickett and Seeger), a Whitworthian reporter, and four security guards in riot gear showed up for the thirteenminute demonstration. One student, junior Kent Ueland, said, “Wait…what? I thought there’d be a drum circle. I’m out of here.” Similarly confused, senior Kayla Tronzor stated “It wasn’t like any other AA meeting I’ve been to.”

The attendees marched around the loop shouting slogans such as “Notice us!” “Yay passion!” and “Free Libya and stuff.” After the protest, security guard Bill Davis remarked, “I’ve been dying to use this tear gas facilities bought in ’89. If only one kid would have looked at me cross-eyed…”

Commenting on the club’s first rally, Seeger said “Well, it was a good start, I guess, but it looks like it’ll take a lot more than free pop to get students to care about something.”

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Story by Taylor Zajicek

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New activist club struggling to get its feet

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DAVID

REMNICK OPINIONS EDITOR

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I’m sick of this. Every year around this time, people get that note in their boxes announcing the annual tuition increase, and proceed to whine, moan and otherwise complain till their faces turn blue. But what I don’t understand is why. They seem to dislike the fact that it’s more expensive ... but I don’t see that as the real problem. In fact, I think the case is the opposite.

Whitworth needs higher tuition. As it is, we’re just middling around, flirting with prestige and the cutting edge, but we’re holding ourselves back, deluding students with the idea that we’re trying to keep tuition low enough to make it justifiable for kids to ask their parents to help them pay for it. Well, I say sent it through the roof, and I say so for several reasons.

First of all, increased tuition would rocket Whitworth into the elite of the nation’s colleges and universities. We could hire the best professors, eat better food for lunch, upgrade our facilities to cutting-edge and bring in more cool bands, lecturers and programs. Longboards could be waiting for every freshman in his/her dorm room on check-in day. Famous artists could be brought in to create sculptures of our greatest presidents, and new dorms could be built to accommodate ever-larger freshman classes.

Secondly, instituting greater tuition rates would weed out all the riffraff. I’m sick and tired of seeing poor, dirty, foul-mouthed delinquents lounging around, smoking their nasty cigarettes and taking up all the professors’ hours. Those pathetic peasants who work with their backs of all things in facilities services could be replaced with respectable, well-dressed servants who live on-site. And, of course, the poor kids wouldn’t be here, gracelessly sucking the scholarships away from the school’s overly-generous teat. Rid of these nuisances, the campus would be cleaner and at least halfway-tolerable.

Finally, high prices would ensure Whitworth’s self-sustainability … and I’m not talking about that environmental crap (everyone knows global warming is a farce anyway), but rather the university’s ability to keep its doors open and maintain its high standing. In these economic times, nobody values education anymore, and people are too willing to stoop to manual labor, and having high tuition would attract attention.

“Look at us!” it would say. “You know we’ll help you get an awesome job because we charge so much! We are necessary!” People just need to realize it.

Really, I don’t understand how people could see otherwise. Increased payments would only improve things, leading to a more homogenized, pure environment where people are free to pursue their interests without silly plebeian distractions.

Comfort would be increased, as would focus, and as Whitworth’s prestige continues to rise, the university would be able to indulge in ever-better features and projects that would make us absolutely untouchable.

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REMNICK is a senior majoring in being pretentious. Comments can be sent to david. remnick@newyorker.com

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Whitworth needs to increase its tuition charges

Live Tree No Whitworth trees will be harmed in the making of this building. Residents will experience the thrill of living next to nature.

Eco-Dorm Design Communal Living Spaces Furnished with recycled materials, students may now experience the joys of having dozens of roommates.

Hydroponics Garden & Oxygen Capture System In addition to providing cheap, pure oxygen the garden will supply a renewable food source.

Carrots, lettuce, squash, spinach and more!

Energy Star sponsored Entertainment Center Energy efficient game and movie room provides space for community building.

Express Recycling Center Bringing the most efficient and advanced recycling sorting technology into Great Hall the dorm. Up to four Maximum natural materials supported. light achieved with glass walls.

Control Room Senses all activities within the building.

Specialized Compost & Water Reclamation System Turns waste water and organic kitchen waste into rich soil and pure water which can be reused in the garden.

Graphic by Annette Farrell

Dorms not green enough

the new building. If there are trees in the way, the building should be made to morph around them. I, HUNTER S. for one, think the idea of a common room with a giant THOMPSON tree growing through it sounds awesome.

POSITION Also, solar panels should be installed on the roof to provide power for the building. Special exceptions should be made to allow candles in dorm rooms withBefore you read the headline and dismiss me as a out windows, and quiet hours should be expanded to tree-hugging ne’er-do-well, let me start this article be “lights-out hours,” which would span at least 18 out with a disclaimer: while I am indeed a huge fan hours of the day to conserve electricity. of trees, I have never hugged any, nor have I ever felt The basement floor should not be used for dorm particularly inclined to. rooms; rather, it should be put to more sustainable That being said, I will admit to being from Oregon. purposes. Along with the usual frivilous rooms like a As most people are aware, we Oregon types are a lit- game room and study rooms, there should be a vegtle freakish about our sustainability. While I’ve never etable garden. And maybe a room where students killed a man for not recycling, can use discarded items to make I will admit I’ve been tempted.

I propose that the new dorm creative new items. Can a plastic I’ve been pleased to see the set an example and a standard bottle be recycled into a healthy efforts Whitworth has made for green construction not meal? Science may say no, but over the last few years toward only here at Whitworth, but for we won’t truly know for sure unbecoming a sustainable camtil we give them to starved biolhigher education nationwide. ogy majors in a locked room. pus. Sodexo has made great strides in reducing waste and There are a variety of other ingiving back to the environment; novations that can and should be implemented. We recycling bins are more common than freshmen in just need to think outside the box. Ideas like banning most buildings; and the new drinking fountains that trash cans, offering students cash bounties on litter, draw water from dorm shower drains are a brilliant and ice cold showers are the kind of thing that could innovation. propel Whitworth to the front of the sustainability However, there is still so much room for improve- race. ment. And there is a perfect place for it coming up I’ve laid out the call to arms. Now it’s up to you next year, with the construction of a new dorm build- students. Let the administration know that we won’t ing. stand for any more pansy stances on green living - the The new dorm, which will be constructed between new dorm should be so sustainable it actually helps East Hall and Baldwin-Jenkins, is currently in the plan- makes the other dorms more green. With envy. ning phase. And while I have no doubt it will include some of the green innovations used in Duvall and East halls, more should, and indeed must be done.

I propose that the new dorm set an example and a standard for green construction not only here at Whitworth, but for higher education nationwide.

THOMPSON is a senior specializing in illegal substances. ComFirst, no trees should be cut down to make way for ments can be sent to hunter.thompson@whitworthian.com.

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Pointing fingers, taking blame and regret-

Mark Few now Pirates’ coach Story by Peter King

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SPORTS | APRIL 01, 2011

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Contact Dan Patrick at myshowsucks@ whitworthian.com.

OPINIONS

through Stewart Hall. “This is a prime facility. I’ve never seen a more beautiful building”, Guoliang said.

Plans are already underway to install a practice facility in the basement of the President’s mansion. President Beck Taylor reportedly wants to keep a close eye on the team’s progress.

Tryouts will occur during finals week, and practice will begin in mid-August.

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with the global perspective. According to Flegel, “Ping-pong encourages diversity. It is internationally popular and brings in a huge new contingent; Whitworth’s dorms are literally bursting with ping-pong talent. Besides, cross-country technically isn’t even an Olympic sport. This change will open the opportunity for our students to take their game beyond the confines of the University.”

Excitement has also been generated over the recruitment of Chinese national table tennis coach Liu Guoliang. Reportedly, he was sold after just one walk

ARTS & CULTURE

The athletic palette of Whitworth University just got a bit bigger. On Monday, Sports Information Director Steve Flegel announced a unanimous decision to phase out the university’s cross-country team in favor of instituting a table tennis team.

The main reasoning behind this decision is twofold: first of all, the illustrious sport has been deemed more prestigious, and, in keeping with Whitworth’s high standards, just a lot less boring than watching a bunch of skinny kids running through a park.

The second reason has to do

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Story by Dan Patrick

WHITPICS

Ping-pong replaces cross-country

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Table tennis was banned in the former Soviet Union from the early twentieth century to 2007 because the sport was believed to cause sterility.

NEWS

Did You Know?

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Contact Peter King at iamalwayswrong@ whitworthian.com.

CONTENTS

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finally push Whitworth into the nation’s elite.

Whitworth, however, already has almost everything in an athletic program that Few is looking for–namely, open space, air conditioning and athletes completely bereft of ego. Citing B.F. Skinner as a huge influence, he claims, “I just kind of want a bunch of robots willing to buy into anything they’re told, no questions asked.”

As a related afterthought, he mentioned that after he takes Whitworth to a national title, he wants to coach middle school.

For now, though, Whitworth’s athletic staff is excited. With Few at the helm, the prospect of yet another conference title seems all but assured, and the continuation of Whitworth’s illustrious basketball legacy is in good hands.

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In an early off-season move, choice. Few said, “The decision the Whitworth Pirates basket- was easy. Gonzaga has underball team signed Gonzaga’s performed and failed to live up Mark Few as head coach in wake to expectations for the last six the departure of former coach years or so, and I wanted to go somewhere I Jim Hayford. Folknow that faillowing the Bucs’ Perhaps the most ure never hapexit from the valuable new tool Few pens. Little did NCAA Division brings to the table is I know I would III tournament find such a proin the Elite Eight, his recruiting savvy. gram so close athletic director by.”

Warren FriedAdditional motivation for richs stated that he would “settle for nothing less than another leaving Spokane’s better-known campus was evident by Few’s overachieving coach.”

Friedrichs believes that in indication that interactions with Few he has found the perfect Gonzaga’s president Robert candidate: motivated, intense, Spitzer were “kind of terrifying.”

Perhaps the most valuable and hungry for championships.

Negotiations have been go- new tool Few brings to the table ing on since just two days af- is his recruiting savvy. In a reter Hayford’s departure. Other cent ESPN poll, he was ranked candidates were considered, the number 2 head coach at but Few’s familiarity with Spo- drawing from the emaciated, kane, his strong convictions, seven-foot-tall-white-kidspool his winning record and his dis- working-in-an-orchard satisfaction with his former pro- and bringing them to his program rendered him the perfect gram–a contingent that could

Finally, the NBA commissioner David Stern does something I agree with. Let’s not beat around the bush, D-Stern isn’t exactly everyone’s favorite person in the sports world. He’s been known to wipe boogers on seat-bottoms in arenas across the nation, refuses to ever institute rule changes players and coaches actually want, and I even heard he is friends with Latrell Sprewell, which is just not a good life decision.

So what has Stern done that has changed him from booger-wiper to my home-home-home-boy? He has finally taken a stand against the NBA Eastern Conference’s mediocrity.

In a surprise press conference last Saturday night, Stern announced the Eastern Conference will only be allowed four teams into the playoffs from now on, starting this year. I’ve hashed through how horrible the East is in the Jock Strip before, and perhaps Stern is one of my readers, because he has taken action be cutting the regularly eight playoff positions down to four.

Stern said in his press conference, “It’s really just pointless have the regular first round match-ups. I mean come on, let’s not kid ourselves, a team like the 76ers are never going to beat the Heat.”

I’ve got to be honest, despite my past rubs with Stern, I couldn’t agree more. If the playoffs were to start this week under the old rules, as of Tuesday the Bulls, Celtics, Heat and Magic would be the number one through four seeds. Then after that it falls off a cliff, with the Atlanta Hawks in fifth who have won less games against winning teams than the L.A. Clippers, who are the third-worst team in the West. Following the Hawks would be the 76ers, the Knicks and the Pacers.

“It would be a waste of our time and resources to keep the fifth through eighth seeds in the East,” Stern said. “Those teams obviously have no chance and take up television slots from real teams in the Western Conference.”

It’s as if Stern has been reading my mind. By eliminating all but the top four teams in the East from even entering the playoffs, it skips straight to quality, and passes by possible injuries and fatigue for the only four competitive teams in the East. Meanwhile, the Western Conference will maintain the traditional eight seeds in the playoffs.

“We’ve noticed a trend over the past several years where nearly every team that wins the title and nearly any team worth watching is from the Western Conference,” Stern said.

A number of players from around the league have commented on the surprise rule change by Commissioner Stern.

Carmelo Anthony of the would-be playoff bound Knicks said, “Denver’s looking pretty good right now.”

The Laker’s Pao Gasol said in broken English, “We knowed it was going come one day. It was just matter of time.”

Former Phoenix Suns All-Star and CBS commentator, Charles Barkley barked, “The Eastern Conference is ‘turrible.’ I’ve been saying the East was ‘turrible’ ever since I entered the league. It was ‘turrible’ then and it’s ‘turrible’ now. Stern did the right thing. Uh...I forgot what else I was going to say.”

So there you have it folks. Let this day go down in the record books as the first and possibly the only time I’ll ever agree with a decision made by Commissioner Stern. The East got what it deserved, four fewer playoff spots and ESPN got what it deserves, some open time slots which would have been bad basketball games, and it can now play something much more entertaining than watching the Pacers… perhaps a Spelling Bee. first half. They got within nine points in the second half, but Duke pulled away in the end to win 75-58.

The Blue Devils were led by 20 points and 10 assists from guard Nolan Smith, and forward Kyle Singler added 11 points and eight rebounds. Star freshman Harrison Barnes scored 16 for the Tar Heels one day after dropping an ACC freshman record 40 points against Clemson.

WWW.THEWHITWORTHIAN.COM

sports talk with colin zalewski

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The Jock Strip

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photos of the week TOP LEFT: Leonard Oakland’s Core 250 Nietzsche lecture rips a hole in time and space, creating an anachronistic paradox. In this image, Union soldier Bill Renders hefts a Browning .50 caliber.

Photo by Taylor Zajicek

TOP RIGHT: Sinbad of the Rainbow Jesus Palace , black moor goldfish, idles in his watery abode. Since the taking of this photo, Sinbad has met with the real Jesus in goldfish heaven. May his soul rest in peace (Jan. 2011- March 2011).

Photo by Taylor Zajicek

BOTTOM RIGHT: The Prophet of the Blues, mysterious tuba player, raises his arms and shouts, “I am Superman!”

Photo by Taylor Zajicek

BOTTOM LEFT: The prehistoric egg smiles in anticipation of hatching soon. Others are less excited about this.

Photo by Maria Chumov

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APRIL 01, 2011

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SPORTS

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OPINIONS

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ARTS & CULTURE

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WHITPICS

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NEWS

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CONTENTS

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WHITPICS

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MIDDLE LEFT: Senior Jared Lollar’s right hand emerges from a homemade oven-sauna, like a chick from its moist cocoon.

Photo courtesy of Patrick Power-Moore