The Whitworthian April Fools' Edition--Issue 12.5--April 1

ISSUE 12.5 APRIL 1, 2014

the

whitworthian

Track and field competes against wolves You heard us.

p. 7

Baldwin-Jenkins no longer freshman dorm

p. 13

about us The Whitworthian has served as the main source of news and sports coverage for the Whitworth community since 1905. The Whitworthian is an organization composed entirely by students which produces The Whitworthian weekly newspaper and thewhitworthian.com.

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OUR MISSION The Whitworthian staff is dedicated to presenting accurate and relevant information in an innovative manner. Our goal is to be accountable while informing, entertaining and providing a forum for expressing the interests of the Whitworth community.

GENERAL INFORMATION The print edition of The Whitworthian is published weekly, except during January and student vacations. The content is generated entirely by students. The college administration does not review the newspaper’s content. Opinions and ideas expressed in The Whitworthian are those of the individual artists, writers and student editors, and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Associated Students of Whitworth University (ASWU), the university, its administration, faculty/staff or advertisers. The Whitworthian is paid for through advertising and subscription revenue and in part by student activity fees as budgeted by ASWU. OPINIONS POLICY Columns, editorial cartoons and reviews are the opinions of their individual creators and not necessarily the opinion of The Whitworthian, its editors or its staff.

PUBLIC FORUM The Whitworthian is a public forum that believes in freedom of speech and expression as guaranteed in the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.

CONTACT US The Whitworthian c/o Whitworth University 300 W. Hawthorne Rd. Spokane, WA 99251 509.777.3248

ONLINE AT www.thewhitworthian.com QUESTIONS? aforhan14@my.whitworth.edu

CORRECTIONS The Whitworthian is committed to providing the Whitworth community with the most accurate information possible. The Whitworthian never knowingly publishes inaccuracies. If you have a comment or question about the fairness or accuracy of a story, send an email to aforhan14@my.whitworth.edu

STAFF spring 2014 Babysitter Andwoo Forhan

Sperts Editor Connor Soudani

Paper Boy Austin Mayflower

Nwse Editer Lucas Thayer

Pherters Simon Puzankov

Head Drawer Carly Colby

Arts & Culture Editor Lindsie Trego

Multimedia Rosie McFarland

Advertising Manager Raedawg Omodara

Opinionated Andwoo & CC

Reader o’Articles CC Roach

Adviser Jimmy McPherson

Some ad that advertises our Twitter, Facebook and website that nobody looks at.

15 CROW’S NEST

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10 Y OUNG & FUNNY 56 BERSKERTBERLL

news

Friendzoning reaches epidemic levels in dorms Lucas Thayer Staff Writer Students around campus have been expressing their frustration as their crushes and potential significant others have been ‘friend-zoning’ them at epidemic levels. A recent campus survey found that 80 percent of students remain single and ‘friend-zoned,’ while the remaining 20 percent of students that are in relationships are planning a mass wedding with the theme ‘Ring by Spring.’

Professors around Whitworth have been researching and observing this virus-like phenomenon closely.

“The ‘friend-zone’ is a peculiar phenomenon,” professor of communications Christian Washington Jefferson Grant said. “When a man or woman essentially rejects a potential partner and places them in the friend zone, it eliminates virtually all possibility of any romantic interactions in the future.”

The ‘friend-zone’ is almost like a disease—contagious, nearly unavoidable and not a cure in sight, Washington said.

Many students have given up entirely on trying to find a partner at Whitworth.

Not only does this seriously impact the dating pool at Whitworth, but it has forced students to look for alternative methods for finding a mate and possibly join the ‘Ring by Spring’ mass wedding.

Finding a mate off campus has proven to be just as difficult.

“I’ve been using Tinder, Christian Mingle, Zoosk, Match and Plenty of Fish- all at once! It’s like people are terrified of commitment,” single senior Josh Millerbuckus said. “I always run into other single Whitworth students on there, but they shut me down faster than Taylor Swift switches boyfriends.”

Online dating may increase the odds for single students to find love, but many experts doubt the potential of online dating.

“If you can’t find a partner in real life, good luck finding someone who would want to date you online,” Washington said. “You have to meet them in real life eventually anyway. Photoshop is nobody’s friend.”

Many Whitworth students have a different perception of what a relationship should be like than non-Whitworth students. This is when nature vs nurture comes into play for dating, psychology professor Duke Covington said.

“I went to Whitworth expecting to find a wife, but it turns out you have to date first! I’m confused because it goes entirely against what I was taught as a child,” Millerbuckus said. High expectations like this can lower the odds of getting in a relationship, according to something.

Carly Colby | Graphics Editor

Around 44 percent of American adults Health Center faculty expect an even are single according to a dating website, sharper rise for the 2014-15 school year.

“So many students are single, and making the Whitworth single population percentage almost double. Students they begin to think that it’s a permanent have been complaining about being thing, so they come in here sobbing single, but do not take advantage of the about how they’re not married at 22,” large pool of single students at Whit- counselor Jan Nelson said. “They might as well go to the humane society and pick worth. up some cats “Perhaps it’s before they’re the night classes all gone.” that are creating The Huthese bizarre mane Society statistics,” proof Spokane fessor of social has expressed sciences Emma its own conThompson said. cerns about “I mean, night single stutime is when dents. people go on “If we have dates, so if really any more sinwas a concern gle students of the students, coming in they should for cats, we petition to the might have school to have to be begging all night classes Carly Colby | Graphics Editor people to not eliminated.” spay and neuAll of the friend-zoning on campus has led to an ter their cats so we actually have cats and increase in cases of quarter-life crises as kittens to adopt out,” Humane Society well. There has been an increase of 60 representative Lee Dill said.

There may be some hope for single percent in on-campus health center visits regarding quarter-life crises in 2013. students yet. Whitworth has consid-

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crunching

13.5

People who miss reading The Whitworthian’s “I Saw You” section. p. 22

6

Number of hits The Whitworthian’s website has gotten within the last six months. p. 98

ered building an alternative coffee shop on campus to accommodate the mass amount of singles on campus. Only certified single students would be allowed into the coffee shop. The board has proposed that your relationship status would be attached to your student ID to let you in the coffee shop, just as it does for the cafeteria.

“Our goal is to reduce the amount of single students on campus to around 10 percent. It’s one of the most recent additions to our 2021 goals,” Board of Trustees member John Van Gogh said.

Getting students to stop complaining about being single and focus on their school work, internships and extracurricular activities should help Whitworth climb national rankings.

“If we have fewer single students than Harvard, we could possibly join the Ivy League,” Van Gogh said.

Until Whitworth faculty take action, many students will have to cuddle their adopted cats instead of a significant other.

“All I wanted to do was get married!” sobbing single junior Maria Delano said.

Contact Shelby Harding at sharding15@my.whitworth.edu

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Number of people who know where the media office is. p. 6

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Seniors get pinecone tattoos in droves Katie Shaw Staff Writer Seventeen desperate seniors, realizing graduation is imminent and that they have failed to complete their “little threes,” took drastic measures.

On Friday, March 7, the group of students drove to The Rusty Savage tattoo parlor and took turns getting designs of pinecones as replacement for catching a virgin pinecone, one of the “little three” traditions.

Jack Porter, who was among the group, said that there was a lot of pressure to catch a virgin pinecone before graduating.

“Sometimes it feels like I can’t even graduate without catching a pinecone, breaking a dish and getting hit in the head with a frisbee,” Porter said. “It’s like this great weight on your shoulders, especially senior year.”

Almost all the seniors in the group have completed the other two in the set, but had yet to catch a pinecone, which is considered the most challenging, Porter said.

“The pressures of the pinecone have reached paramount proportions,” adjunct professor of psychology Sylvia Roberts said. “It’s time we took a step back and evaluate who we are as a university and what it means to live here.”

Jesse Chalmers decided to get a tattoo, and was quickly joined by friends and friends’ friends, he said.

Carly Colby | Graphics Editor

“I don’t know, it was kind of a spur of the moment kind of thing,” Chalmers said. “We did it for kicks. And, because we need those pinecones to not be failures, come graduation.”

The students all got designs of pinecones, in varying placements.

Natalie Rocce said she was uneasy

about going to a tattoo parlor in downtown Spokane.

“It was a little sketchy, but so worth it,” Rocce said. “I like that this is a more permanent way to show Whitworth spirit.”

Porter said that he didn’t want to get a tattoo, but it was the only way to beat the system.

Captain Whitbeard sinks galleon, gave doubloons to charity last year Lucas Thayer Older than dirt

gave it all to charity.”

When the galleon struck its colors, Captain Whitbeard gave the order for his Boarding Party Task Pirate Ship Captain Whitbeard sank a galleon Force to board the ship with grappling hooks. The off the coast of Spain this last Friday morning, col- ships crew gave in with little resistance.

“I gave in with little resistance,” said Pat Blarney, lecting as much as $20 million dollars in gold doua member of the ship’s crew. bloons, pieces-of-eight, assorted baubles, and deliThe rum and grog found in the galleon’s magacious cured hams. zine was promptly dumped over“Y’arrgh,” said Captain Whitboard, in accordance with the Big beard, flipping down his signature “Y’arrgh. This be Three. eyepatch. “This be some mighty Captain Whitbeard has been the fine booty indeed.” some mighty fine scourge of the North Atlantic sea for On the morning of March 14, the past several months, preceded Whitbeard’s flagship, The Mind & booty indeed.”

by Captain Whitbeard’s campaign Heart, approached firing distance against the galleon just after sun- —Captain Whitbeard to carve a crimson and black swath around the coast of Barbados. rise. Captain Whitbeard gave the order to his Cannon Loading Task Force to load the cannons with grapeshot, before instructing his Cannon Firing Task Force to fire upon the ship. Sources close to the captain confirm that the galleon did not stand a chance, and the every Whitworth student is expected to receive a share of the loot.

“I hope we get actual doubloons this year,” junior Contact Lucas Thayer at Matt Clock said. “Last year Captain Whitbeard just lthayer14@my.whitworth.edu

“We have to show that we can’t be controlled,” he said. “Seniors already have so much stress and pressure. We, or no one else, need that kind of added nagging on our minds. By getting the tattoo, I went my own way.”

Contact Katie Shaw at kshaw17@my.whitworth.edu

Some ad that advertises our Twitter, Facebook and website that nobody looks at.

Arts & culture

New food plan for 2014-2015 includes Peanut Butter Plan Lindsie Trego Lover of Comic Sans

or “tuna fish” sandwich on white bread as well as a choice of baby carrots or celery. Students can purchase jelly a la carte through the Swipe Plus program for $3.

For as long as cafeterias have existed, students In order to prevent students from contracting scurhave complained about cafeteria food. At Whitworth vy for lack of vitamin C, students will also be given a in particular, students often have grievances with the clementine orange in their brown quality of food, especially given bag lunches each Friday. the cost of a meal plan.

For weekday breakfasts, stu“Peanut Butter Plan members In response to this common dents with the Peanut Butter Plan will also be entered into complaint, Whitworth has will be able to scan their cards for devised a new plan to begin a scoop of plain gruel from the a monthly “Mystery Meat next school year. In addition Cafe. to the traditional, block and Students desiring cream or Lottery,” in which they will semi-traditional meal plans, brown sugar for their hot cereal have a chance to win meat students will now have the can choose to provide their own ability to choose a new “Peanut gruel toppings or pay $2 through instead of protein powder Butter Plan.” the Swipe Plus Program for Cafe The Peanut Butter Plan staff to top the cereal for them. with their daily rice.

Students will offer students a low-cost Dinner for these students option for receiving all of will include a scoop of white can also pay $15 for extra their nutritional needs. The rice sprinkled with protein and lottery entries” food won’t be gourmet by any vitamin powder and a side of means, but it will be a balvegetables. anced diet.

The vegetable will vary from Under the Peanut Butter Plan, students will be able day to day, and will usually reflect whatever is in seato pick up brown bag lunches at various locations son or on sale. Whitworth gave boiled cabbage, sliced around campus between 11 and 11:30 a.m. on weekcucumbers and canned green beans as potential days. menu items.

These lunches will include a choice of peanut butter Peanut Butter Plan members will also be entered

into a monthly “Mystery Meat Lottery,” in which they will have a chance to win meat instead of protein powder with their daily rice. Students can also pay $15 for extra lottery entries.

Students with this plan will be on their own for weekend meals, though students can use their $12 in flex toward a couple of weekend swipes into Sodexo.

Whitworth also suggests these students look into keeping their own peanut butter or tuna fish sandwich makings on hand for the weekends.

An additional option to look into would be getting weekend meals at local chain restaurants that offer value menus, such as Jack in the Box and McDonalds.

Jack in the Box, for example, offers a junior bacon cheeseburger for $1.29, and McDonalds offers five pieces of chicken nuggets for less than $2.

A third option, of course, is for these students to invest in traditional college food staples, such as ramen noodles, hot pockets and toaster waffles for weekend delicacies.

In many ways, this $700 per semester meal plan fills the vacuum for an economical way to eat on a poor college student’s budget. A fair warning, however: Students on this plan can skip pleading for “more please,” as the swift answer will always be, “NO.”

Contact Lindsie Trego at lwagner14@my.whitworth.edu

opinions

An apology for all the things we’ve done wrong this year:

Pinecone curtain: The ideal fix for Wi-Fi troubles REMI OMODARA COLUMNIST Complaints over the failure of wireless connection are common among students. In certain parts of dorm buildings, Wi-Fi is extremely weak, leaving students unable to do assignments or surf the web in their rooms. This failure also leads to a high number of students filling the only library on campus.

This inaccessibility has been proven to lead to worse grades and bad housing experiences. Students who aren’t as motivated to walk to the library don’t get assignments done on time, which would not be an issue if they could complete them in their rooms. The main way that Whitworth communicates with students is through email, however, if students don’t have smart phones, they cannot access their email. This contributes to a communication issue as well. Also, students are not able to Skype with their families, which leads to irritation and increased homesickness.

Instead of investing in other areas, Whitworth’s leaders need to make Wi-Fi accessibility a priority. By putting wireless modems in pine trees, Whitworth can ensure that Wi-Fi can be obtained by all students, whether they’re inside or outside.

Students’ fondness of location is largely determined by how strong the Wi-Fi signal is, according to Rumor Has It. Without this implementation, Whitworth could be hurting its ratings and deterring prospective students from attending the university.

Fostering a positive atmosphere where people feel at home involves making sure that people can fulfill various life activities without being interrupted. Having spotty wifi does not add to the desired positivity.

If this Wi-Fi implementation was made, Whitworth would see a rise in student productivity, resulting in better grades for students and more work being done in general. Students would also have more free time to socialize, which adds to the education of the heart. If students have time to spend with professors and peers in the HUB and outside in the loop, their campus experience will be more rewarding.

Many may think that current budget gap will not allow for this change. However, if Whitworth reprioritized and shifted money around, they could make this change happen. Whitworth needs to think about what will be best for the students and strategically move forward with the funds available.

OMODARA is a senior majoring in journalism and marketing.

Comments can be sent to romodara14@my.whitworth.edu

After our late nights putting together the newspaper, Wednesday rolls around, and the paper is distributed. Our sweat, blood and tears are not enough to offplay the fact that we often have silly mistakes that are missed in the final stages of production.

For that, we apologize. To make amends for all of our wrongs, we have put together a list of clarifications and corrections over the past year: Castigated members of the Whitworth community at length for reasons including but not limited to: general ignorance; lack of interest in our publication; not submitting to I-Saw-You. We honestly have no idea who you are or what you like.

In order to keep up with the demands of writing for you, we have to alienate ourselves from you entirely. It’s a bitter irony, with a creamy nougat center. Our layouts suck. We have butting heads, bad photos and sucky content. Contrary to popular belief, not every Whitworthian cover is a graphic. We apologize for the constant ‘Send a Letter to the Editor’ ad in the left hand corner of the contents page. You never send us letters. All previous opinions written by Chrissy Roach were full of false opinions. We apologize for our insensitivity toward sustainability. Our constant stuffing of the mailboxes has caused you grief, since you have to walk an extra 3 feet to throw the issue on the floor next to the recycling bin. We often look down on you from the media office and make fun of you, without you knowing. None are safe from our scorn. We have an executive bathroom only for us.

This isn’t an apology; we’re just letting you know. We will never reveal the Wu Tang secret. Our graphics editor is freakin’ hawrrible at spelling. Carrying around a freshman’s foot is not lucky. We wish to correct this error in our Nov. 15 issue. Our candy drawer constantly runs out of candy. In December, we reported that it was hip to be a square, when the shape is in fact closer to a rhombus. We will never reveal the location of the me-

SPEAK

E D I T O R S OUT “‘Sleep is for pregnant women and the infirm. I run on high octane....stuff.”

— Lucas Thayer, not quite all there

“I don’t even put the newspaper together. I just kinda hang out.”

— Connor Soudani, muscles

dia office. Our news editor is older than dirt. Actually, he is three years younger than dirt. Please stop calling us asking us to list your engagement. We don’t have a section for that and we never will. Contrary to popular belief, “poop in the loop” is not a requirement for the Little Three. Despite our claim in the Nov. 13 issue, whit. tips@gmail.com is not our email address. We apologize to Wilford Tilly Whittips of South Dakota for the mistake. We have no idea why Issue 5 smelled like sardines. In issue 6 it was reported that love can cure all things. However, love cannot cure scurvy. If you have scurvy, eat fruit. It is not entirely true that professors can smell fear, according to an article in issue 13. They must receive tenure first. The seventh page in issue 4 is missing. We are still looking for it. The Whitworthian did not have a website for the first semester. This error has been corrected. We apologize for stealing this idea from the 2007 April Fools edition. That was totally uncalled for. We don’t do Twitter correctly. We’re working on it. We meant to retract more, but our retractor broke down in the middle of this article. Earlier in this article we apologized for ripping this article off from a previous issue. This is not true. We are in fact not sorry. Elmer is not a stupid name, as reported in issue 2. It is merely an unattractive name. We recently found the folder where all of the complaints about The Whitworthian are stored.

We are currently processing them. Seriously, guys, we’re sorry about that. Our news editor is just the worst. We’re sorry about that. It’s Sunday night and we still don’t have a cover. We apologize. In issue 10 we reported that it wasn’t like it is, when, in fact, it do. Sorry. Sorry. Sorrrrrry. Everything in this issue is a work of fiction.

Only a fool would believe otherwise.

CORRECTIONS, CLARIFICATIONS & APOLOGIES

How much sleep do you get on Sunday nights when the newspaper is put together?

“I don’t.”

— Chrissy Roach, senioritis

“Let’s just say, I usually don’t go to bed before the sun comes back up.”

— Andrew Forhan, crankypants

sports

Track & field competes against Spokane wolfpack Connor Soudani Sports Editor The Whitworth track and field team competed against a wolfpack last weekend, but it wasn’t the University of Nevada Wolfpack.

The track and field team faced off against an actual pack of wild wolves last Saturday in the first annual Run While You Can Relays. Both the men’s and women’s teams narrowly defeated their wolf counterparts to take home the respective titles.

Due to the unconventional nature of this track meet, gaining participants for the opposing team was quite a task, head coach Toby Schwarz said.

“I drove up to Mt. Spokane a couple Saturdays ago with assistant coaches Jeff Rahn, Joey Van Hoomissen and Jordan Jennings, looking for some possible contestants,” Schwarz said. “What we found was a lot of able-bodied options.”

The coaches spotted a pack of wolves about an hour into their trek through the wilderness. From there, things went pretty smoothly, Schwarz said.

“We cornered them, chased them down, I bagged them and tagged them. Joey lost a couple of fingers and we called it a day,” Schwarz said.

In order to ensure safety of their athletes, coaches planned on taming the beasts by bringing a world-renowned wolf-whisperer to Spokane.

“We researched for countless hours, but ultimately found that no such expert exists,” Schwarz said. “But we decided to go ahead with the meet anyway and play things by ear.”

Some athletes found the meet to be a great time, even if it did tend to keep them on their toes.

“It was honestly just a really interesting experience,” junior hurdler Jacob Dansereau said. “It didn’t seem like they knew what was going on half the time, and every time we grouped up for a meeting on the field, they would encircle us and growl.”

“I usually had to keep an actual torch by my side most of the time in case one of them tried to attack me,” senior steeplechaser Matt Edwards said.

Although there was some confusion with the races and how to get the wolves to know when to start, races were deemed a success.

Despite the high enthusiasm on the part of the coaches for the event, some athletes had mixed feelings about the competition.

“I raced cows back home in Montana, but this was new territory,” sophomore mid-distance runner Katie McKay said. “At least the cows didn’t make me feel like I was running for my life.”

Other athletes however, were more excited about the opportunity to compete against such fearsome competition.

“I was pumped to see some pole-vaulting wolves,” junior pole-vaulter Joe Green said. “They didn’t disappoint either. Really tore it up out there and one of them actually beat me.”

Despite the excitement some felt for the competition, the actual meet day lent some new and unexpected challenges.

“You definitely had to keep your head on a swivel out there because those wolves were sneaky,” McKay said.

“When they took my sandwich out of my bag, it was cute, but when this gnarly one took a piece out of my leg, it wasn’t so cute anymore.”

The field events provided an interesting array of performances as wolves tended to respond quite negatively to the experience.

“It was really hard to concentrate with wolves looking at me with hungry eyes while I tried to get off a good throw,” senior decathlete Peter Delap said. “It was really cool though when I got one of them to actually get a discus off.”

In the end, the meet went off with relatively few hitches, while some of the athletes voiced support for the Run While You Can Relays for 2015.

Juliana Zajicek | Photographer

Sophomore Joey Hope takes the handoff from junior Christina Dobbins for the last leg of the 4x400 relay last Saturday, with the wolf competition close behind.

“I can’t say enough about the incredible experience it was to race a ravenous pack of wolves, all of whom wanted to feast on me rather than beat me in a race,” Dansereau said. “I think I’m ready for nationals now.”

Schwarz and other assistant coaches are considering bringing other wild animals to the meet next year to keep their athletes on their toes.

“We’ve considered throwing moose in there to change things up,” Schwarz said. “Jeff Rahn has some connections with a honey badger reserve so we might dabble into that a little bit too.”

With the track and field team ready for just about anything that future teams throw at them, Whitworth gears up for some less-likely-to-devour-you competition at the 33rd annual Compete Against Your Pet Classic in the Pine Bowl.

Contact Connor Soudani at csoudani16@my.whitworth.edu

whitpics

whitCRIME ABOVE: A body was found in George’s Place in the Hixson Union Building. Initial inspection uncovered signs of foul play.

RIGHT: The scene of the incident was marked off with tape after the evidence was moved for further studies.

BELOW: The body found in the Hixson Union Building has not yet been identified.

Simon Puzankov | Photographer