The Philosopher’s Stoned
By
Freddie Allen
Illustrated by Stuart Roper
Hell: You may be living in hell; then again, is it a perfect hell? For that, you need a little refinement.
Hi Fidelity: It speaks for itself.
Hope: Somehow I feel full of hope, and I hope that I will soon be taking a space ship out of here. Crazy isn’t it?
Idea: “What is it that is not an idea?” “I’ve no idea.”
Insult: If you want to trade insults, you’ve got to find someone who wants to be insulted. Personally speaking, I’ve got a warehouse full of insults I’ve received, so none today thanks, Arsehole. (You can have that one for free.)
Italics: It’s a kind of spiky writing with little flourishes at the end of each letter and it looks like this, if you see what I mean.
The Key: Once you’ve unlocked the secrets of the Universe you know you hold the key. Having opened the box, the key is only of any use to you if you close the box before all the secrets get out of the box.
Les Miserables: If you’ve seen one audience, you’ve seen them all.
Hermit: The generally accepted notion is that a hermit finds himself good company all the time. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The hermit doesn’t want any company at all. I know this may be obvious to you but apparently it remains a rather esoteric truth.
Homosexuality: This is described as sexual acts with someone of the same sex as yourself. Strictly speaking that’s the definition of masturbation, not homosexuality.
Hypnotism: The theory of hypnotism is that you can be awoken and put to sleep at someone else’s whim. The theory of reality is that you wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night.
Joker: The joker in the pack never admits that there are two of them. Ha Ha Ha.
Life expectancy: The first thing you will learn in my positive thinking class is not to refer to death expectancy; however much it might seem to hit the mark more accurately.
Proof: Scientific proof is only an approximation, still, for most people, anything over 70% proof is proof enough.
Quite amusing: Ha.
Rabbinic: As the Rabbi said, “Silence is the fence that surrounds wisdom.” That’s very true, but maybe it would have been wiser to have said nothing; then again, there’s no point in me trying to be wise after the event.
Reading between the lines: You know you can’t read the empty space between the lines, so instead you look for a hidden message in the words.You’re the reader so you must be the judge of that. I wrote this on a lined exercise book. Only joking!
Rock’n’roll Years: I brought up in the Rock’n’roll years. [sic]
Selfless: The next time someone comes up to me in the street and asks me who I am, I’m going to ask him what the fuck he means by that.
Sexual fulfilment: Fuck everything.
Shallow: My mind may appear to be shallow, but that’s just because I’ve got my head canted over.
Self-analysis: Do it yourself.
Self-reference: “Virtue is its own reward” For the virtuous, any reward other than virtue is incidental. I know that’s true because I’ve heard them say it with my own ears.
Sense: For example, a sense of magic in the air.
Sex: Everyone is very sexy in their own way. It’s just a matter of matching up one sexy person with another, and leaving me alone. Thank you.
Sexual preferences: These are only interesting in minute detail. A general allusion to them is of no fucking interest to man nor beast.
Superstition: I find this a difficult word to spell, which is not that mysterious because I’m just not a good speller.
Survival: Biologists want to survive at all costs and try to prove that everything else wants to survive biologically at all costs.
Svengali-like: This describes the relationship of the pupil to his Liverpudlian guru.
Telepathy: A telepathic experience is neither here nor there to you.You have so many. But that’s because you’re not on the receiving end.
Time: Is time another dimension? Take space, it has three dimensions. This page is in three dimensions, even though the height of the page is very low. If the page was in two dimensions, it would be 12 inches long, 7 inches wide, but you wouldn’t be able to see it, because you would have nothing to look at. That is to say, it wouldn’t be something in three dimensions that we can see.
ISBN 978-0-9926432-6-3