42 08 willamette week, december 23, 2015

Busing rich kids to St. Johns.

P. 9

Christmas morning bar crawl.

P. 25

LL A E W , S A M T S THIS CHRI INTS—EVEN HAVE COMPLA WHEELER

WWEEK.COM

VOL 42/08 12.23.2015

ED T , D E Y A R T S CHERYL AND PAGE 12 .

K U I N H A CHUCK PAL TH

BY B E

S L O V IC

2

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

w w s ta f f

FINDINGS

pagE 21

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM READING THIS WEEK’S PAPER VOL. 42, ISSUE 8.

If you’re looking for true love, start by getting some loganberry punch at Lloyd Center. 4

Parents worked 4,000 hours for free last year at Skyline K-8 School. 9 Ursula Le Guin doesn’t have time for your bullshit whining. 15 There is a cat rapper, and he cares about public transportation. 19

Our Arts & Culture editor is known for his analytics-based approach to fantasy football, but not necessarily his humility. 24

One brave music critic has anonymously come out against Adele. 33 If you need a glass of wine to loosen you up before you buy a new ski jacket, there is a place. 41 You should really rewatch the original Point Break. 50

ON THE COVER:

Busing rich kids to St. Johns.

Christmas morning bar crawl.

Jade the Elf, photographed

by Maya setton.

OUR MOST TRAFFICKED STORY ONLINE THIS WEEK:

it has been raining for 17 straight days. update: it’s been raining for 23 straight days.

AS, WE ALL THIS CHRISTM INTS—EVEN HAVE COMPLA ER

D, TED WHEEL CHERYL STRAYEAND NIUK. PAGE 12 CHUCK PALAH

STAFF Editor & Publisher Mark Zusman EditoriaL Managing News Editor Aaron Mesh Arts & Culture Editor Martin Cizmar Staff Writers Nigel Jaquiss, Beth Slovic Copy Chief Rob Fernas Copy Editors Matt Buckingham, Madeline Luce Stage & Screen Editor Enid Spitz Projects Editor Matthew Korfhage Music Editor Matthew Singer Web Editor Lizzy Acker Books James Helmsworth

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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SURVEILLANCE IN OREGON

SWEET (SHOP) STORY

Staff reduction by 100 percent is in the best interests of this city.

—“byron”

LEttErs to thE Editor must include the author’s street address and phone number for verification.

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This was an enlightening article describing a lot Thirty-five years ago, I began flirting with a of technical devices—employed by the govern- girl who worked at Joe Brown’s Carmel Corn ment at the state and federal levels—that I didn’t [Review, WW, Dec. 16, 2015]. She stole my heart know about [“Somebody’s Watching You,” WW, and gave life to every dream I’ve had since.

Dec. 16, 2015].

Eventually, my nightly stops for loganberry But what worries me the most are the legal punch and candied nuts wore down her resisloopholes that corporations use to gather infor- tance—and better judgment, some might say. After mation about you every time you sign up for 33 years of marriage, five children and four grandanything. children (so far), I am more breathlessly in love Consumers sign agreements to with that beautiful girl than ever. some policy every time they use the And it all began at Joe Brown’s Internet. The agreements don’t pro- “staff Carmel Corn. tect you, but they allow corporations —“David” reduction to sell your information. by 100 ANOTHER STAR WARS Who is protecting the consumer percent is from corporations’ misuse and Granted, I was pretty plastered in the best abuse? and had to go to the restroom interests of —“Multnomah” halfway through, so I missed a few minutes, but the new Star Wars this city.”

Bets are on. The next president of the was pretty different from the other United States will suspend the Conones [Review, “Star Wars: The stitution and transition America to a full-blown Next Generation,” WW, Dec. 16, 2015]. militarized police state.

That whole story about Eddie Redmayne And the American people will welcome it with coming to terms with transsexuality and underopen arms. Any takers? going a sex-change operation didn’t really fit —“dickshooter” with Luke, Leia, lightsabers and Jedis that I remember from the other movies.

PDC REDUCING ITS STAFF Then all the singing CGI chipmunks in the This is merely an attempt by the Portland Devel- second half really confused me. Hopefully the opment Commission to garner some misguided next couple of movies will clear everything up. empathy while they continue to rob the taxpay- —“Alex” ers of this city blind [Murmurs, WW, Dec. 16, CLARIFICATION 2015].

The PDC’s budget of $250 million a year In last week’s review of the Feisty Lamb, we said would solve the street-paving needs of the city in the West Burnside restaurant has “what we think eight years. But let’s continue to let this parasite is Portland’s very first $20 hamburger.” Nick of an institution remain—PDC (Portland Doesn’t Zukin, owner of Mi Mero Mole, points out that Care)—as it sucks money out of the budget. the now-closed Gilt Club in Old Town served a —“TC” $20 burger topped with foie gras.

Q.

i’ve lived in Portland for 22 years. through all the gentrification, one thing has endured: the empty storefront at Northwest 23rd Avenue and Northrup street. this prime location has never had a tenant during that time, and looks just like it did in 1993.

What’s up?

—“Gentrify NW 23rd and Northrup Now!” Campaign Manager

There are few things more pathetic than one non-native Oregonian trying to one-up another in terms of oldschool Portland street cred.

Lucky for you, Gentrify, pathos is my strong suit.

Thus, I can say: Oh? You mean the old Quality Pie? World’s meanest waitresses? Yeah, I guess you never went there.

Each night, Quality Pie offered about a dozen different pies. The selections weren’t written down; the waitress ran though them orally. Once.

Too bad if you weren’t paying attention.

The diner closed in 1992 and has stood empty 4

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

since, which is a little weird. But this column often gets questions about why this or that seemingly valuable property stands vacant.

Gerard Mildner, director of the Portland State University Business School’s Center for Real Estate, hipped me to the term “skill/capital mismatch.” This basically means somebody is sitting on a cash cow but isn’t clever and/or greedy enough (under capitalism, “clever” and “greedy” are the same thing) to milk it.

The Quality Pie property might fit in this category. A Portland Tribune investigation in 2007 found that the property is owned by a family of out-of-towners who either can’t agree on what to do with the place, or just aren’t that interested in exploiting it.

Mildner says it’s also common for a property to need expensive improvements to meet code, and some landlords hold out for a tenant willing to foot the bill. (A classic example is the disused gas station whose tanks have to be dug up before the property can be developed.)

Anyway, it’s a fascinating topic, and I’d be happy to discuss it further—meet me at the lunch counter at Newberry’s?

QuEstioNs? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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Oregon’s Obamacare spending is still under scrutiny. Eight Republican members of the U.S. Senate Committee on Finance, led by Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas), complained in a Dec. 15 letter to the federal Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) that Oregon’s health-insurance exchange may be “continuing to misuse federal funds.” The issue in Oregon and four other states: the use of federal money for operational expenses, rather than for the technical infrastructure for the exchanges. Lisa Morawski, a spokeswoman for the state Department of Consumer and Business Services, which runs what used to be called Cover Oregon, says the state’s program is now funded by members. But she acknowledges that two previous federal grants to Cover Oregon, totaling $830,000, may have been used improperly. “We continue to work with CMS to resolve these issues,” Morawski says.

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BUY OF THE WEEK

Some of the biggest players in Portland dining are sparring in court over ownership of the Lardo sandwich chain.

Investor Ramzy Hattar is suing ChefStable owner Kurt Huffman and Lardo chef Rick Gencarelli for control of the Lardo restaurants on Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard and Southwest Washington Street.

Hattar wants the judge to compel Huffman and Gencarelli to sell him those two restaurants for $1.6 million. Hattar’s lawsuit, filed Dec. 21 in Multnomah County Circuit Court, alleges Huffman and Gencarelli conspired to cut Hattar out of an ownership stake in Lardo’s location on North Williams Avenue. Huffman says that’s false—and says Hattar’s suit imperils Lardo. “With a forced buyout at the value he wants,” Huffman tells WW, “he endangers the health of the company itself.”

Read the senators’ letter and other season’s greetings.

GOT A GOOD TIP? CALL 503.445.1542, OR EMAIL NEWSHOUND@WWEEK.COM

D E V I N A M ATO

NEWS

The Naughty List INVESTIGATORS—ESPECIALLY THE FEDS— START THE NEW YEAR LOOKING INTO THE BEHAVIOR OF STATE OFFICIALS.

BY NIG E L JAQ UI SS

njaquiss@wweek.com

’Tis the night before Christmas in Salem—and many of the state capital’s denizens have reason to worry about what they’re getting in 2016.

It won’t be a lump of coal—but it might be a subpoena or an indictment.

Oregon state government ends 2015 under a remarkable level of scrutiny. The coming year in politics will be an unusual election cycle—hinging not just on voters’ mood, but on inquiries into alleged wrongdoing.

The highest-profile probe focuses on former Gov. John Kitzhaber, who resigned in February. But no fewer than four state agencies are also in investigators’ crosshairs.

“I can’t remember this many investigations before,” says Jim Moore, a professor of political science at Pacific University, “especially involving the feds.”

Moore, who’s been studying Oregon politics for 25 years, says the current climate resembles the 1940s and ’50s, when the state faced widespread corruption scandals.

At that time, Republicans controlled the governor’s office and both chambers of the Legislature. Now, Oregon is again a one-party state—controlled by Democrats—a coincidence Moore calls “fascinating.”

Federal investigators—who are handling four of the five cases detailed below—are notoriously tight-lipped. They do not comment on pending investigations or tell the public when they’ve ended. The fifth investigation, which involves the Oregon Department of Justice (led by Attorney General Ellen Rosenblum, wife of WW co-owner Richard Meeker), is being conducted by an outside law firm.

Here are the five investigations that could shape 2016— with a look at how they might end.

WHO’S UNDER INVESTIGATION:

The agency formerly known as Cover Oregon Why: Cover Oregon spent $300 million of federal money on a health-insurance website that never worked.

Who’s investigating: Federal investigators served subpoenas in May 2014 and continue their inquiry. And as recently as Dec. 15, congressional committees continued to demand information.

What could happen: The scope of the federal investigation remains unclear, although some observers think the feds are looking at whether Oregon intentionally misrepresented its progress. Congress wants some money back.

WHO’S UNDER INVESTIGATION:

Former Gov. John Kitzhaber and first lady Cylvia Hayes.

Why: Kitzhaber and Hayes faced questions about influence peddling when he resigned Feb. 18. WW revealed in multiple stories how, while serving as an adviser to Kitzhaber on energy and sustainable development, Hayes landed private consulting contracts in those same fields.

Who’s investigating: Federal agents served broad subpoenas Feb. 13 and have since collected 2 million pages of documents from the state and empaneled a grand jury.

What could happen: Investigators are scrutinizing Hayes’ tax returns and the mortgage documents on her Bend home. They are also seeking to determine whether Kitzhaber violated laws against selling access to his office.

WHO’S UNDER INVESTIGATION:

The Oregon Department of Energy Why: Two reasons. First, The Oregonian’s reporting on a troubled solar installation prompted FBI interest, and agents subsequently visited the agency in April 2015. Second, continued controversy surrounding the department’s business energy tax credit program spurred Gov. Kate

Brown and lawmakers to call for a full agency review.

Who’s investigating: The FBI and Oregon lawmakers.

What could happen: Anything from a sweeping staff shake-up to complete dissolution of an agency that’s burned through five directors in six years.

WHO’S UNDER INVESTIGATION:

The Oregon Department of Human Services Why: Federal agents served subpoenas on the agency Nov. 13, seeking information about millions of dollars the agency paid to troubled Portland foster care provider Give Us This Day, which WW revealed in October had neglected children, failed to pay its employees and dodged taxes. Separately, Gov. Brown commissioned an external review of the agency.

Who’s investigating: The feds and an auditing firm yet to be named.

What could happen: Former Give Us This Day executive director Mary Holden could face criminal charges, and DHS staff is likely to face a significant overhaul.

WHO’S UNDER INVESTIGATION:

The Oregon Department of Justice’s criminal division.

Why: On Nov. 10, the Urban League of Portland revealed that a DOJ investigator had tracked DOJ civil rights chief Erious Johnson’s social-media communication involving the hashtags “Black Lives Matter” and “Fuck the police.”

Who’s investigating: The DOJ hired a civil lawyer from the Stoel Rives law firm to conduct an investigation under department supervision.

What could happen: The agent’s job is in jeopardy, and management of the DOJ criminal justice division may soon come under pressure as well.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

TRICIA HIPPS

NEWS

Over the River PORTLAND PUBLIC SCHOOLS COULD INCREASE EQUITY BY BUSING WEST HILLS KIDS INTO NORTH PORTLAND. WILL THE DISTRICT DEFY WEALTHY PARENTS?

BY R AC H E L M O N A H A N

243-2122

It’s school integration, the 2015 edition.

Under a proposal floated this month, buses for Portland Public Schools would ferry white kids from the ritzy West Hills across the Willamette River to attend the poorest middle school in the district, and the only one that’s majority black and Latino.

The busing proposal was brought up for discussion Dec. 5 by the committee guiding the politically fraught process of drawing new school boundaries. The head of that committee, Jason Trombley, announced the idea of taking West Hills children currently attending Skyline K-8 School and sending them to George Middle School in St. Johns.

It’s an informal idea. But it already faces fierce opposition.

“I grew up with forced integration,” says Tim Reifsteck, a retired Intel engineering manager, 59, originally from North Little Rock, Ark., whose eighth-grade daughter Lizzie, 13, attends Skyline. “It does disrupt neighborhoods…. Did it improve some opportunities? Yeah. But I don’t think it necessarily created equal opportunities.”

Racial and economic equity has been the centerpiece of Portland Public Schools Superintendent Carole Smith’s work, and what happens with Skyline and George will be a test for just how far the district is willing to go to back up its equity talk with action.

School boundaries matter, and not just to parents. They affect real-estate prices. They affect traffic. Redrawing them embodies this city’s love of process and civic engagement, but it also raises questions about whether Portland’s commitment to equity is genuine or will fall victim to the objections of some of the city’s richest residents.

“The placement of a [school] boundary can really concentrate either wealth or poverty,” says Portland School Board member Mike Rosen.

He says he’s willing to consider the busing plan. “If it’s going to build a better school and a better outcome for the majority of students—absolutely. Will people read that and become concerned? Absolutely.”

Portland Public Schools is redrawing the map for its schools serving kindergarten through eighth grade. The

plan is simple, at least in concept: The district is trying to move students from crowded classrooms to empty ones.

But it’s also a matter of making sure schools have enough money to give those kids a good education. (Funding follows kids in the world of education, so changing boundaries can boost school budgets by bringing in more kids.)

Hanging over all of this is a question of how to bring

“THE PLACEMENT OF A [SCHOOL] BOUNDARY CAN REALLY CONCENTRATE EITHER WEALTH OR POVERTY” —MIKE ROSEN, PORTLAND SCHOOL BOARD MEMBER

together students of different classes and races when neighborhoods already sort families into rich and poor.

“In my experience, Portland is a less diverse city, but it’s still segregated,” says University of Portland sociology professor Ashley Mikulyuk. “In the neighborhood-based school system, if there are segregated neighborhoods, there will be segregated schools.”

Earlier this fall, Trombley told Oregon Public Broadcasting he would no longer view the Willamette River as a dividing line. That briefly opened up a discussion about bridging the east-west divide of school boundaries in the city.

But when district staff put together two possible

“scenarios” for public comment early this fall, neither included a mash-up of east- and westside kids. Both scenarios played around the edges of socioeconomic integration with just a few schools changing their populations to a significant degree.

Under both scenarios, PPS data show that George Middle School—where district data show upward of 86 percent of students have qualified for free or reduced-price school lunches in recent years and a quarter are African-American—would actually see its poverty rate climb. That’s ample reason for trying a more radical plan.

“The scenarios would effectively concentrate poverty in North Portland at George. That seems to me to be a very poor idea,” says School Board member Paul Anthony.

This month, Trombley, a public-relations consultant who helped stump for a school construction bond before he landed on the boundary committee, announced a more drastic idea.

Skyline, currently a K-8 school, would become an elementary school. And its sixth- through eighth-graders, currently around 100 students, would ride the bus for roughly 10 miles to George, the closest middle school geographically to the remote, rural neighborhoods of Northwest Portland.

The move to diversify George could bring middle-class kids to the classrooms but also middle-class parents—with their time and money. (Skyline parents raised more than $75,000 in private funds last year, but that money was also buttressed by the volunteer hours they logged: 4,000 last year, according to the PTA. Put another way, that’s three parents working nearly full workdays every single school day, at a school with just 300 students.)

Moving West Hills kids to North Portland might also be a small step toward alleviating overcrowding at Lincoln High School and adding students to Roosevelt, where George students go to high school.

“I think there are going to be too many students on the CONT. on page 10

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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west side of the river,” says Dave Porter, an education activist from Southeast Portland. “That’s where Skyline comes in. I think it’s the most obvious one of the feeder schools. It’s actually closer to Roosevelt than to Lincoln.”

But Anthony and two other board members— Julie Esparza Brown and Pam Knowles—tell WW they oppose busing Skyline kids, their reasons ranging from population shifts to the safety of the roads along the route. (Two other board members, Rosen and Steve Buel, haven’t ruled out busing kids from Skyline. Buel says he was waiting for the committee recommendations before digging into the details.)

So far, Superintendent Smith’s record on equity is more talk than action.

A report this fall ranked Portland near the bottom of the 50 largest U.S. cities by one measure of equity. Black students living within city limits were about four times more likely than white students to attend a public school scoring in the cities’ bottom 20 percent on math exams, Seattle think tank the Center for Reinventing Public Education found. Only Miami and Seattle were worse.

When it comes to switching school boundaries, Smith and the School Board have prioritized providing similar resources at every school.

“It’s not so much about economic diversity,” says Esparza Brown. “It’s that we’re trying to make schools have the right amount of students so that everybody has this basic program.”

In 2010, Smith led an effort to change highschool boundaries, with a similar worry in mind: too many students at the high-performing schools, too few at low-performing schools. But her remapping hasn’t significantly changed the imbalance in high-school enrollment, as WW reported in November.

Smith won’t tell WW whether she’ll support the busing plan.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

“Superintendent Smith is not going to weigh in on any specific proposals,” says spokesman Jon Isaacs, “until she has received a recommendation from [the committee].”

Portland has long taken pride in attracting the middle class to traditional public schools.

Just 12.5 percent of kids enroll in private schools, 2 percent are homeschooled, and 3.2 percent attend charter schools, according to Portland State University’s Population Research Center.

To be sure, not all Skyline students are wealthy: More than 27 percent received free or reduced-price lunches last year. But the district has reason to fear white flight if Skyline students are bused to George.

“I would seek an alternative without a doubt,” says Jason Resch, 40, a design industry professional and father to Skyline fifth-grader Tucker, 11, who currently heads up Skyline’s parent fundraising operation and also opposed sending Skyline students to West Sylvan, the district’s lowest-poverty middle school.

“And this is the president of the foundation speaking,” he adds. “I wouldn’t be willing to support a school I was forced to go to.”

Skyline parents continue to argue that there’s no need to change a successful school. But open a conversation in North Portland about what should happen to school boundaries, and old wounds quickly reopen as well.

The school closings and creation of K-8 schools a decade ago are widely considered disastrous, but North Portland has experienced more closings and consolidations since then.

Many parents are watching with skepticism to see if the district can get it right this time.

“The next time these boundary changes have a positive effect on children of color will be the first time,” says Nichole Maher, a parent in Portland Public Schools and former executive director of the Native American Youth and Family Center.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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M AYA S E T T O N

Yeah. Yeah.

Join the club!

12

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

BY BETH S LOVI C

bslovic@wweek.com

All year long, this feeling has been building.

We’ve been bottling it up. We’ve been tamping it down.

But now it’s the holidays—the most irritating season of all—and we just need to say it: Portland, we love to complain about you.

We gripe about the rain and the people who gripe about the rain and the people who don’t gripe about the rain and the people who say that if you do gripe about the rain you shouldn’t have moved here in the first place.

We whine about the people who moved here, even though we moved here. We bitch about the new apartments that look like military barracks, and we make fun of the people who blame the new apartments for the high rents in their shitty old apartments, because that doesn’t even make sense. And we can’t take any more weed puns.

Wow. It felt good to get that out.

That feeling of release is why, 16 years ago, WW launched Kvetch Fest, our curmudgeonly ode to all the things we love to hate and hate to love about Portland.

Kvetch Fest has returned to WW’s pages four times

since then, and staffers have vented their frustrations about everything from bad bus etiquette and canned MAX announcements to punny Thai restaurant names and adults playing kickball.

This is the first time we’ve held Kvetch Fest in the holiday season. That’s where it belongs—the event owes an unmistakable debt to Seinfeld’s Festivus and the “airing of grievances.”

(Kvetch, by the way, is Yiddish for complaining—which is an obvious definition we’ll feel obligated to explain until we get Kettleman bagels back.)

This year, we asked our fellow Portlanders to join in the griping—everyone from food-cart owners to the city’s candidates for mayor. They proved more than happy to whine with us.

We’re asking you to kvetch, too: Send us your complaints to kvetch@wweek.com, and we’ll post the most memorable.

Because if there’s one thing this city needs, it’s a good kvetch.

CONT. on page 14

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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CHUCK PALAHNIUK, author of Fight Club I hate all the sofas abandoned curbside in the weather, each adorned with a “FREE” sign. As if anyone is going to seize upon a flea- or bedbug-infested piece of upholstered furniture, drenched in rainwater. People somehow think, more recently, that keeping the loose cushions inside will redeem the soggy part left outdoors.

I L L U S T R AT I O N S B Y A N D R E W M O I R

CHELSEA CAIN, author of Heartsick Please stop waving me into oncoming traffic. I didn’t ask you to stop your car and usher me to dash in front of it. Do pedestrians take you up on that offer? Because I’m just seeing the other three lanes of cars that aren’t stopping.

You can gesticulate.

You can flip me the bird and drive off in a huff. But you can’t make me run for my life with a flick of your finger.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

LYNSIE LEE, stripper Every now and again, I will take a break from the sauce. That’s how I realized that in Bridge City, there is no escape from alcohol. “Ooh, a pottery class!” I implored, clicking the link.

Free wine and beer. I clicked link after link: “Marathon: beer garden at the end” or “Adult workshops: You bring the snacks and cocktails, we’ll do the rest.” I discovered an indoor dog park with happy hour for the owners, because watching adorable pups play is just so stressful. My favorite find was a children’s play gym that had alcohol available for the parents; kids sinking helplessly into ball pits, mom and dad drowning themselves in the craft beers on tap. For Portlanders, adulting is hard without liquid courage pouring from all directions.

CHERYL STRAYED, author of Wild Portland Parks & Recreation has many lovely outdoor pools— Sellwood, Grant and Creston are my favorites on the eastside, where I live—but they’re closed for long swaths of each day to all but those enrolled in swimming lessons or doing laps. Free our pools from the lesson/lap tyranny!

I’M GETTING TIRED OF THESE LAZY, FLANNEL-CLAD “ARTISTS” SAYING THIS CITY’S ARTISTIC SCENES ARE ALL DEAD NOW THAT THEY CAN’T AFFORD RENT.

JULES BAILEY, Multnomah County commissioner and expected candidate for Portland mayor OK, Portland, let’s talk poopy diapers.

It’s bad enough that the designedfor-babies, fold-down changing tables seem all to be in the women’s restrooms when they’re there at all.

But the men’s (and gender-neutral) restrooms can’t even be bothered to include any kind of a flat, dry, stable surface. I get it—the designer sinks and rickety mosaic-tile end tables are hip, but really, would it kill you to have one stable surface?

TED WHEELER, Oregon state treasurer and candidate for Portland mayor I can’t enjoy coffee in public. I like my coffee thin, watery, high in caffeine, low in robustness, boldness, aroma, or any other word people use to describe coffee. I say, “Give me the largest, weakest coffee you have,” and most baristas just look at me. I’ve found a few shops where a barista, who takes pity on my underdeveloped palate, will add some water to my quality coffee. One day, gas-station coffee will be a thing at Portland’s independent coffee shops. And you’ll all have my sympathetic baristas to thank.

CURTIS COOK, comedian I’m getting tired of these lazy, flannelclad “artists” saying this city’s artistic scenes are all dead now that they can’t afford rent. New York has art.

Chicago has art. S.F. and L.A. have art. I’m sorry you may have to get a full-time job and drop the faux-artsy, PBR-bedazzled, make-believe “my dreams are all I need” shtick you’ve been passing off as a personality for the past few years, but there will still be art in this city. There was art in this city when the first wave of gentrification came through, and there will be art in this city now that that first wave of gentrifiers has to move on.

BYRON BECK, gossip guy and gadfly Portlanders like to pretend they don’t care about celebrities. But what’s the first thing I get asked everywhere I go? “Which Real Housewife, which Top Chef is in town?”

COURTENAY HAMEISTER, former head writer and producer of Live Wire! radio Pioneer Place hired a “Hipster Santa” for two days this year. He wore a brown, vintage ski sweater, chunky glasses and a man bun. I get the sense that Hipster Santa was created by a marketing team of people who have never met or been children. Santa wears a fucking red velvet suit. If Santa’s not wearing a red velvet suit, in your child’s mind, you’re essentially just dropping him on the lap of a strange old man and walking away. That’s terrifying.

I GET THE SENSE THAT HIPSTER SANTA WAS CREATED BY A MARKETING TEAM OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER MET OR BEEN CHILDREN.

URSULA K. LE GUIN, author I think kvetching is for middle-aged people.

You get old, you haven’t got time for it.

AMY MARGOLIS, cannabis business lawyer and lobbyist There are so many charming and quirky things about the “growing” cannabis industry. But let’s “hash” out the annoying parts together.

Let’s really get into the “weeds.” It can be a “joint” venture. This is not “high” level stuff and I promise we can still be “buds” when it is all over.

I am not trying to stir the “pot” here or anything. But, this latest “crop” of weed puns has really got me feeling “burnt.” Like everyone is just “blowing smoke” at each other. Enough with the weed puns. This is serious business.

RANDY LEONARD, former Portland city commissioner It irritates and frightens me to no end that some dog owners will let their little lovelies run loose (usually at the track I’m running on) or give them so much loose leash (typically

on the sidewalks or grocery-store aisles I’m traversing) that I literally have to freeze in my tracks as what I fear to be a crazed maimer and his/her proud human walk/run/ lunge toward me. I then imagine that person later being interviewed by a local news station: “Toto has always been so well-behaved. My little sweetness has never eaten anyone before. It was just horrible.” Grrrr.

NICK ZUKIN, owner of Mi Mero Mole Foodies here like to think they’re worldly and open-minded. But so often that just means taking a traditional dish and ruining it with pork belly. What would be weird would be eating a doughnut because it tastes good, not because it looks like a penis. Take the five minutes to walk the two extra blocks to great gelato, rather than stand in line for half an hour for mediocre ice cream.

AMY MILLER, comedian Brunch servers: I do not need you to sit down at my table, chair flipped around A.C. Slater-style, and attempt to be my friend. Lyft drivers: No, I do not want to sit in front, and yes, I would like it if you just drove to our destination instead of taking a bunch of wrong turns because you’re distracting yourself asking me why I’m going to the comedy club. If you can manage a conversation and your job, great. If not, let’s focus on the part I’m paying for. And no, expecting you to do the job you chose does not make me a bitch. It makes me an adult person who lives in a city and has other stuff to get to.

JODY STAHANCYK, divorce lawyer and potential candidate for the Portland City Council We all love Timber Joey, but we want to know why there is no Timber Jody. Oregon women can saw logs as well as any man.

LYFT DRIVERS: NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SIT IN FRONT.

CONT. on page 16

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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CHERYL ALBRECHT, Multnomah County circuit judge Hey, you know that ginormous Ford Super Duty megacab you insist on backing into that tiny parking space sized for compacts? I’m pretty sure it isn’t a compact.

All I know is that my car, which actually is a compact, can’t shrink itself any further to fit between two of those trucks. And there seem to be so many of them. Is there some secret area of cattle ranches in Portland I don’t know about?

PHIL GEFFNER, co-owner of Escape From New York Pizza In Portland, the culture is “nice.”

When we first opened, I would go through the line asking people, “What do you want, what do you want?”

Inevitably someone would say, “You’re so rude.” To me, it’s rude making people wait. Here, not spending the niceynice time with the individual is rude.

BUD CLARK, former mayor of Portland I procrastinate, as I always have, but it catches up to me faster. The speed of time is not absolute; time speeds up as you grow older.

AUGGIE CAMACHO REBELO, store manager at Everyday Music on West Burnside Street People are always complaining about how different Portland is. I moved here 15 years ago from California.

Even then, people were complaining about Californians. Most of the time people who are complaining are not even from here.

MIC CRENSHAW, hip-hop artist Dear customer-service food handler dirtbag: I have to eat out sometimes because it’s convenient and I didn’t have the foresight to pack lunch. I have worked in the food industry longer than you, and I took the shit about washing one’s hands after handling money and smoking seriously.

You think I can’t see the fact that you handled money and then went directly to handling the food I’m about to pay for? You are nasty.

JULIA SILVERMAN, editor of Metro Parent magazine If someone wants to bring a seeingeye pony on a TriMet bus—this is a real thing, and a solid option if you’ve got approximately $60,000 to drop for a trained service animal—that’s A-OK. But God forbid you ride the bus without folding up your stroller.

What’s a parent of twins who is flying solo to do — stash one of the babies on top of a miniature pony?

SEAN JORDAN, comedian There is such a thing as being too polite. I got into a “sorry off” with someone the other day, and I didn’t know that could happen. I apologized for making him feel bad, then he apologized for making me think I needed to apologize, and then I apologized for seeming like a dick for some reason. We did that back and forth for about six apologies. I still feel kind of bad about it.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

HOW DO PEOPLE THINK LOCAL BUSINESSES STAY IN BUSINESS, IF NOT BY GROWING?

CLAIRE CAIN MILLER, New York Times journalist based in Portland and cousin to Chelsea Portland’s hatred of chains goes too far. When a small, locally owned business on Alberta opens an outpost on Division (think Bollywood Theater or Pine State Biscuits), they aren’t turning into Starbucks—or even Stumptown. How do people think local businesses stay in business, if not by growing?

STEVE NOVICK, Portland city commissioner The heat’s set too high on the No. 45 bus in winter. Cool it, TriMet!

IAN RUDER, editor of New Mobility magazine Why does seemingly every Italian restaurant in Portland feature some sort of “wild boar” pasta? Where are these “wild” boars coming from and what about them makes them so perfectly suited to pairing with pappardelle or ragu? Like everyone else, I’m thoroughly enjoying Portland’s local, farm-to-table dining movement, but I’m beginning to freak out about a huge, undocumented feral boar population in the city.

JESSE CORNETT, chairman of the Lents Neighborhood Association The lines to get a hot meal in Portland are as ubiquitous as bread lines were in the Soviet Union. I like the Reggie Deluxe as much as the next pudgy Portlander, but I’m not going to spend an hour just to place my order. I’m surprised a cottage industry of line waiters hasn’t developed. Maybe that’s the next Uber-like app.

GINA CADENASSO, owner of Bolt Neighborhood Fabric Boutique on Northeast Alberta Street I’ve lived in the Concordia neighborhood for 13 years. Until about three months ago, when I looked out my windows I saw hedges and trees, hazelnut and fig. Now I look into my neighbors’ windows and they look into mine. When the house sold, the buyer tore it down, as well as all the greenery, to build a new one. Now when I see a house for sale, I think, “Oh, let’s hold onto those trees.”

WHY DOES SEEMINGLY EVERY ITALIAN RESTAURANT IN PORTLAND FEATURE SOME SORT OF “WILD BOAR” PASTA?

HAN LY HWANG, owner Kim Jong Grillin’ food carts Customers will ask me for recommendations on gluten-free items. I’ll spend time answering their questions, because there are people who can get really sick. They’ll order something gluten-free—and then they’ll add an IPA. What’s going on there?

NORM FRINK, former Multnomah County chief deputy district attorney There are way too many stops on the streetcar and MAX. We could eliminate about one out of every four on the streetcar and 10 or 20 percent on MAX, and we might actually get someplace in a timely manner. Don’t expect that to happen (other than the minor adjustment the streetcar is doing) because it would require an admission that money was wasted on pointless stops.

DAN SALTZMAN, Portland city commissioner Restaurants that don’t accept reservations! They show a total disregard for customers and their customers’ time.

They say, “We’re sorry, you can wait a couple of hours and get a table then.”

ERIK TONKIN, owner Sellwood Cycle Repair Tilikum Crossing’s spill onto South Waterfront is an under-thought, over-engineered, New Portland wet-dream mess of urban planning. I mean, I’m biking on a nice bridge, and then I’m crossing lanes of truck traffic and train tracks just to ride on the wrong side of the road before returning diagonally to where I just was— and it takes forever because of all the signals. I think I saw an elevator, too. I’m not moving most of the time, so it’s easy to observe all this shit. It shouldn’t be this slow, confusing and dangerous to ride in a straight line.

CAMERON WHITTEN, nonprofit director One of the things I love the most about Portland is being approached by random white people who I’ve never seen before, and before I can even say, “Hi, my name is…” they’ve embarked on a monologue about how not racist they are and how much they love the diversity of the neighborhood they just moved into. Nothing says, “Hey, black person, I’m not a racist!” like starting a conversation with me that’s only about how I don’t look like you.

CONT. on page 19

BIM DITSON, And And And drummer and candidate for Portland mayor Finished basements.

Furnished basements.

Sizzle Pie. “Rocker” anything.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

17

While supplies last

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

IF YOU WANT TO CHOW DOWN WHILE ENJOYING SOME MUSIC, CONSIDER STAYING IN.

DWAYNE MOLOCK, aka Moshow the cat rapper The MAX system. This is the city that rains, and every time it rains hard it shuts down the MAX. You would think, living in the city of rain, the MAX system would be indestructible at this point.

AJA BOGDANOFF, CEO and software architect at Civil Comments All the concert venues that allow food during a live show. Not just little snacks—full pizza and nacho feasts. If you want to chow down while enjoying some music, consider staying in, browsing your ironically anachronistic record collection and ordering from Caviar.

ISRAEL BAYER, executive director of Street Roots Liberals who support great causes and claim to have compassion for people experiencing homelessness—yet somehow don’t believe under any circumstances that people on the streets should live or gather in their neighborhoods. Having to share their neighborhood with thousands of people suffering on the streets was somehow left out of the real-estate brochure when purchasing their cozy home in North Portland.

CARL WOLFSON, radio host I don’t like how I have to sneak around at night to dump fluoride into the city’s water system.

WW LAUNCHED KVETCH FEST IN 1999, AND WE’VE BEEN BITCHING EVER SINCE. HERE’S A LOOK AT OUR BEST GRIPES. 1999

The recorded announcements on the MAX are one sign that Portland is becoming a big city we don’t like. Before 1997, drivers had to get on the mic and actually talk to the passengers. Gone are the days of clever quips about the weather, current events or traffic that made the ride tolerable.

Now the announcements are all automated, cold and often wrong—thanks to technology.

2000

Displaying their initiative, the clipboardenhanced signature gatherers set up a gauntlet on the library steps and in front of the Fred Meyers.

Don’t want to help put Lyndon LaRouche on the ballot? You get the “informational lecture.”

If you try the “I don’t sign petitions” gambit, you’ll trigger the “Get involved, get informed” harangue. Forget Big Government—what’s it take to get the sig-bots off our backs?

2003

If you are actually Tibetan, please, feel free to hang anything you want from your porch eaves. But if you live in the Woodstock Boulevard area and attended (or hang out with people who attended) Reed Col-

lege, dangling strings of Tibetan prayer flags all over your house is just irritating.

2007

They may be channeling absurdist Parisian street performers—ahem, Alberta Street Clown House—but riding a double-tall bike is just impractical. Is dismounting an excuse to show off your tumbling skills? We’re all impressed by your creativity with a welding torch, but commuting on a 9-foot-tall Schwinn is a cry for attention.

2008

Many are the reasons to complain about Portland’s Thai restaurants.

But we could swallow these ubiquitous, tomatoey, Americanized fried noodles if it weren’t for the sickeningly cutesy plays on the word “Thai.” Portland features, among others, Thai Noon, My Thai, Mai Thai, Appethaizing, Typhoon! and, in a tie for worst, Thai Pod (cringe) and Beau Thai—a pun in Thai and French that makes sense only in English.

The name manages to disgrace three languages in just two words. Diabolical.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

19

CULTURE

The River of Dreams

Adoptable cats Student and senior discounts Weekly yoga classes Monthly movie nights Micro brews, wines and ciders locally and beyond

DAMOND COLLIER IS PORTLAND’S MOST FAMOUS FISHERMAN.

3529 NE MLK

(just north of Fremont on the 6 & 24 bus lines)

www.purringtonscatlounge.com 503 334 3570

COURTESY KEEVIN COLLIER

BY A N DR EW B U LKELEY

For the past eight years, Damond “Westbred Diamond” Collier has been working to make it as a rapper. He’s paid to have his videos on WorldstarHipHop and will be self-releasing his DAMOND COLLIER, AKA WESTBRED DIAMOND second album in January on CD Baby.

Lately, though, it seems he has much brighter prospects as a fisherman.

“IF WE DID transition. The infectious first It’s an unlikely story, but after you’ve episode opens with the Sanford IT LIKE seen his show, Niggas on da River, you’ll and Son theme (with the blessunderstand.

EVERYONE ing of composer Quincy Jones) In November, Collier and his brothand includes lots of cursing and DID IT, er, Keevin, launched a YouTube fishing tips for baiting a hook with sand series. The show’s got a little of everyWE’D JUST shrimp. thing: weed, satirical discussion of the The Colliers say they grew up 18th-century trans-Atlantic slave trade, casting and have always dipped BE LIKE Mesozoic Era sturgeon. their rods in anything with a EVERYONE promise of fish. When Keevin Their stated goal was to raise awareness of Portland’s aquatic wildlife. On relocated to Portland in 1994 ELSE.” one hand, anyone with a Cabela’s card with their mother, he says he had could do it: Two guys in a boat reel in no idea what the wilds of Oregon trophy fish while doling out tips. In just three promised. “We were fishing in golf courses at first episodes, the Colliers have hooked sturgeon, before we found out where to fish,” he says salmon, coastal Dungeness crab and more than Keevin dove into his hobby and learned all he 500,000 views. could. And, along the way, he says he discovered The secret? They came up with probably the fishing was a predominantly white pastime. first-ever urban outdoor show.

Wardens always checked his tag first, and people “If we did it like everyone did it, we’d just be carefully watched him and his friends unpack like everyone else,” says Damond, sitting at a their gear on every dock.

North Portland brewery after filming in Puget “I done been kicked off a lot of rivers,” he Sound. “It’s introducing a lot of the urban com- says of an action caught on camera at the end of munity to the outdoors. We’re like the urban the third episode. Keevin has had the “Crappie [Alaskan] Bush People.”

Killer” moniker for years, and even has a tatThe novelty of two black men starring in a TV too of his favorite freshwater fish. But he can’t genre dominated by white men serves as viewer eat them anymore—or any fish, for that matter. bait, but what ultimately makes Niggas on da About a year ago, he discovered he was allergic.

River so watchable is having two very knowlThe title and the show have garnered some edgeable buddies teaching you how to fish. criticism online, including the usual white-boy With several more episodes already in the complaints about using a racial pejorative as a term can, Damond and Keevin (aka Crappie Killer) of endearment. The Colliers have also been accused are now in talks to make the YouTube-to-TV of coonery, or pandering to black stereotypes.

More than criticism, the show has received plenty of praise. Dozens of outfitters have contacted the Colliers about fishing or hunting trips, and clothing and fishing companies have promised free goods. Shaq Fu Radio, Shaquille O’Neal’s online music site, even gave them kudos. And Worldstarhiphop, the online bastion of all things urban, offered the Colliers a regular slot—a bitter offer for Damond, who’s paid to have his rap videos featured on the site.

“We’re just being ourselves,” Damond says. “We get out there and show people we’re out there KEEVIN COLLIER, AKA doing this.”

CRAPPIE KILLER

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

STREET

ALBERTA OUR FAVORITE LOOKS THIS WEEK. PHOTOS BY EMILY JOA N GR EEN E A N D WW STA FF

“The bottom line for my search was to find a house I wanted to live in that was also an investment for my future.

Found it!”

Sarah Knight, Broker 971.506.7109 scoutportland.com sarah@scoutportland.com

www.wweek.com/street

Antoinette Antique & Estate Jewelry

2328 NW Westover Rd. AntoinetteJewelry.com Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

21

D E V I N A M ATO

CULTURE

STAY CLEAR OF THE BIG HOTEL PARTIES. HERE’S WHERE TO GO THIS NEW YEAR’S EVE.

BY WW STA F F

New Year’s Eve 80s Video Dance Attack Thank God there’s an Instagram filter to go over that photo of your leg warmers.

Instead of looking to the future, celebrate the new year by looking 30 years in the past, when we had Trump and Madonna instead of Trump and Miley, and people actually liked the Police. Are we better or worse off ? Who knows? Anyway, fuck the Police. Star Theater, 13 NW 6th Ave., 248-4700, startheaterportland.com. 9 pm. $25. 21+.

Speakeasy Cocktail Party Oregon doesn’t even have a prohibition on pot anymore, much less alcohol. So why go back to the days when you could only get drunk in secret? Well, in part because the $50 ticket includes Prohibition-style cocktails from one of the better tenders in the city, Brandon Lockman. You can probably make it well worth your $50 before midnight. Red Star Tavern, 503 SW Alder St., 222-0005, redstartavern.com. 8 pm. $50, sold out, but new tickets being released Dec. 26. 21+.

Battle of the Decades What was the best decade for music?

Not the one you actually lived through, obviously. Members of Sleater-Kinney, Unwound, Hazel and other Pacific Northwest luminaries settle the debate once and for all, splitting off into four bands representing the hits of the ’50, ’60s, ’70s and ’80s. But no ’90s, because everyone can agree it sucked pretty hard. Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water Ave., 328-2865, bunksandwiches. com/shows. 9:30 pm. $15. 21+.

Brew Year’s Eve Dust off your leather pants and awkwardly bang your head in your plush seat to three ’80s metal tribute bands booked by 105.9 the Brew: Appetite for Deception (Guns n Roses), Motorbreath (Metallica) and Sacred Heart (Dio). And don’t worry 22

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

about that sweet child of yours—minors are allowed in with a guardian. That might not sound very rock ’n’ roll, but neither does paying a babysitter. Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 234-9694, aladdin-theater. com. 8 pm. $30 advance, $40 at the door.

Dwarves, Lord Dying, Gaytheist In a year where the debate over “political correctness” returned to the national dialogue, it’s appropriate that Dwarves gets the final word. Most of them will be “fuck.”

The gleefully tasteless shock-punk troupe is promising to close out 2015 by playing its 1990 masterpiece of trash, Blood Guts & Pussy, in its entirety—all 14 disgusting minutes of it. Dante’s, 350 W Burnside St., 226-6630, danteslive.com. 9 pm. $15. 21+.

New Year’s Eve Party Cruise There’s maybe nothing better than going to a party that you aren’t allowed to leave.

But if you can handle the possibility of being seasick on light hors d’oeuvres to the sounds of a live Americana band—and maybe being trapped on a boat with a Tinder date you never messaged back—then all aboard the Portland Spirit. Salmon Street Springs, 1000 SW Naito Parkway, 224-3900, portlandspirit.com. 10 pm-1 am. $100. 21+. a whole set of questions and concerns for us.... Anyway, with a “torch light parade,” two firework displays and “winter fun games,” Skibowl is starting to sound more like a less-diverse Olympic Village than a venue for cosmic sledding until midnight.

Mt. Hood Skibowl, 87000 U.S. 26 Government Camp, 272-3206, skibowl.com. 7 pm-2 am.

#Supportland with MUST DIE! and Henry Fong Maybe the cool-hunters have left the trap scene. But not you, man. Leave that feelgood Henry Fong electro-house to the kids upstairs, because you’re gonna arm-dance the fuck outta that MUST DIE! set, like Marcel Marceau with an anger management problem. Euphoria Nightclub, 315 SE 3rd Ave. 9 pm. $25-$40. 21+.

First Run 2016 Your first seconds of 2016 could be spent breathing heavily from either Champagne heaves or a 10k run. We’re not going to tell you which one will make you feel worse.

One World Trade Center, 121 SW Salmon St., aasportsltd.com/firstrun. Celebration starts at 10 pm, run starts at midnight. $45 in advance, $50 day of race.

BarFly Bus + Ball Hop on the less fucked-up cousin of the Merry Pranksters’ Further bus. Instead of tripping on acid, you’ll embark on a bar crawl culminating at the Bossonova Ballroom. You’re either on the bus or you’re off the bus, but in this case, being off the bus means you’re probably in a surgepriced Uber being driven around by some 28-year-old named Jake. barflybus.com, info@barflypdx.com. 7 pm-4 am. Bus + Ball $30-$45, Ball only $25-$35, instructions follow ticket. 23+.

Mt. Hood Skibowl Skibowl calls this the “biggest party on Mount Hood,” which may or may not be true, but it’s definitely the only one with a sumo wrestling competition, which ignites

Lumbertwink In a dance party that will also look a lot like a celebration lap for Timbers fans, hundreds of burly men in plaid and beards and union suits will descend on the Funhouse for...well...fun. Expect plenty of photo booth action. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th Ave., 841-6734, funhouselounge.com. 9 pm-2 am. $8. 21+.

Dune Rave The DJs behind Vendetta queer night Stranger Disco will be weirding up Service, a fashion-forward, concrete-bunkered house of beats and art on Northeast Glisan Street. Cover’s only $10, but the bar’s cash

only, so bring skrilla, and—in the words of the organizers— “manage your own triggers.” Service, 2319 NE Glisan St, 971-267-9269, servicepdx.com. 10 pm-4 am. $10.

21+.

DJ Anjali & The Incredible Kid This night is pretty much a Portland monument: For the 15th year in a row, DJs Anjali and the Incredible Kid will mash up Bhangra and Latin rhythms into a danceable stew. Melody Ballroom, 615 SE Alder St., 232-2759, themelodyballroom.org. 9 pm-3 am. $27.50 advance, $35 at the door. 21+.

Jai Ho! Bollywood New Year’s Eve In the past five years, DJ Prashant has proved there’s plenty of room for two different Bollywood-accented nights—which we’ll gladly welcome on New Year’s in the battle against overpriced soft-funk bands. Light-up hula hoops, dance lessons, Bhangra percussion and Champagne? Jai Ho! Or, translated, let there be victory. Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE César E. Chávez Blvd., 493-1128, hawthornetheatre.com. 8 pm-2 am. $27.50 advance, $35 day of show, $40 at the door. 21+.

Weinland NYE Supergroup with Liz Vice The annual cover-song megajam graduates from Doug Fir to the Wonder, but despite the bigger stage, the concept remains the same. Expect a loaded guest list and plenty of karaoke favorites. Gospel-soul singer Liz Vice opens, offering one last opportunity to wash away your sins before piling them back up again. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686, wonderballroom.com.

8 pm. $25 advance, $28 at the door. 21+.

Chanti Darling, Ancient Heat, Shy Girls (DJ set), DJ Nathan Detroit, DJ Ben Tactic, DJ Bobby D Fu t u r e - s o u l c h a n t e u s e Natasha Kmeto didn’t just release one of Portland’s best albums of the year, she also put together one of the city’s better side projects. With Chanti Darling, Kmeto joins Magic Mouth’s Chanticleer Tru, Damon Boucher of the Gossip and the

Minders’ Rebecca Cole in cooking up slinky afterhours R&B. Some people stumble headlong into the new year. If you’d rather glide, this is your show. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639, holocene.org. 8 pm. $17 advance, $20 at the door. 21+.

Pink Martini Thomas Lauderdale! China Forbes! Storm Large! The von Trapps! NPR’s Ari Shapiro!

Rita Moreno! Your mom’s gonna love it! Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335, portland5.com. 7 pm and 10:30 pm. $37-$98. All ages.

Curious Comedy Extravaganza Standup comedy, improv and...aerial arts. We don’t know if the last one is a joke or not. Tickets include desserts and a Champagne toast. Curious Comedy, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 447-9477, curiouscomedy.org. 8 pm. $60 advance, $75 at the door. 100 tickets available.

InspireTruth New Year’s Eve Celebration InspireTruth is a vaguely spiritual rave marketed with every PLUR buzzword from “family reunion” to “transformation.” Why you’d pay upward of $100 to take molly and try not to bump into an Etruscan vase is beyond us. But go ahead and celebrate with people who described the lineup as “the danciest” and who brag about giving away free “spring water.” Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park Ave., nyeinspire.me. 9 pm-4:30 am. $108 general admission, $171 VIP. 21+.

Magic Sword, Minden, Foul Weather With lightsabers back in vogue, it’s a good time to be Magic Sword, two masked druids from the planet Boise whose music sounds like Daft Punk scoring an ’80s sci-fi epic. If you haven’t yet scored tickets to The Force Awakens, their neon-lit live show— which replaces glow sticks with glowing toy swords— is the next best thing.

Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663, dougfirlounge.com. 9 pm. $15 advance, $20 at the door. 21+.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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I

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Book online: DrWardInterstateDental.com 24 Hour Care Line Weekend Appointments On Max and Bus Lines

RADIO IS YOURS

CONTEST p r o d u c e audio stories h i g h l i g h t

good work

win

sweet prizes

“Bhangra percussion and Champagne? Jai Ho!” page 23

STARTERS

BITE-SIZED PORTLAND CULTURE NEWS.

PORTLAND PINBALL PALACE: The city will soon have a steampunk-decorated arcade game palace almost twice the size of downtown retrocade Ground Kontrol. Quarterworld— from former Shanghai Tunnel and Bar of the Gods owner Phil Ragaway—is expected to open in spring 2016 as a 4,000-square-foot pinball museum, arcade and bar in the old Alhambra Theatre music venue, which closed in June on Hawthorne Boulevard for the umptieth time. Ragaway is already the unchallenged baron of Portland pinball, leasing machines to more than 140 bars in the city. Quarterworld will have 21-plus and all-ages sections, and Ragaway anticipates the entire arcade will become a bar after a certain hour. He also expects to host game tournaments, and anticipates being able to project video of games in progress onto the walls. Ragaway says he doesn’t expect to make much of a dent in Ground Kontrol’s business, however. “They’re like a little Ferrari,” he says. “We’re more like a heavy industrial Cat. We’re like, a different kind of niche—kinda like how you can be mesmerized by shiny cool cars, but you can be equally mesmerized by cool heavy machinery.”

BLAME THE BEARDS: Portland chocolate seller Aubrey Lindley of Cacao has been in the news for commenting on what’s become the biggest debacle ever to hit craft chocolate.

In The New York Times on Dec. 21, $10 Brooklyn chocolate bar maker Mast Brothers admitted it had remelted chocolate from industrial vendors and resold it as craft chocolate. In posts by DallasFood.org blogger Scott Craig before the Mast Brothers’ admission, Lindley is quoted as saying, “I was confident that they did not make the chocolate at that time. It had an overly refined, smooth texture that is a trademark of industrial chocolate. No small equipment was achieving a texture like that. It also tasted like industrial chocolate: balanced, flavorless, dark roast and vanilla.” Lindley called Mast Brothers’ later singlebean chocolate inedible: “I’ve been calling this Schadenfreude Christmas.” Cacao has never sold Mast Brothers chocolate, though it remains available at the Meadow. Lindley recommends Portland brand Cocanú instead.

visit

x r ay. f m

click the Radio is Yours button awa rds sh ow

jan 22nd

email questions to

1101 NW Northrup, Pearl District streetcarbistro.com | 503.227.2988

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

r a d i o i s y o u r s @x r a y. f m

W W S TA F F

Lunch and dinner everyday Live music 5 nights a week

KISS THE RINGS: It’s once again championship week in WW’s office fantasy football league. Defending champ Martin Cizmar torched an ad-sales guy in the first round of the playoffs before locking down a spot in the final with a 146-107 defeat of MusicfestNW’s Matt Manza. Cizmar is known for his analytics-based approach, dizzying number of waiver-wire transactions and blockbuster trades. He will face the winner of a still-too-close-to-call match between former MusicfestNW booker Matt McLean and advertising representative Bruce Greif. “I have a lot of respect for both those guys and look forward to a spirited match with whoever wins,” says Cizmar. “I’d also like to take this opportunity to thank [former advertising director] Scott [Wagner] for his competent commissionership over the last two seasons. His dedication was all the more admirable because he never fielded a competitive team himself.”

HEADOUT

WILLAMETTE WEEK

WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK IN ARTS & CULTURE

BRIDGET BAKER

WEDNESDAY DEC. 23 The Miracle Worker

[THEATER] Twelve-year-old Agatha Olson stuns as the deaf-blind lead, and the veteran cast grabs your insides long before Annie Sullivan (Val Landrum) cracks her tempestuous charge. “They should install tissue boxes on every row,” halfjoked a millennial on opening night.

Artists Repertory Theatre, 1516 SW Alder St., 241-1278. 7:30 pm. $25-$48.

THURSDAY DEC. 24 Midnight on Peacock Lane

[HOLIDAY LIGHTS] The holiday destination stays lit till midnight on Christmas Eve and Day. Spike the ’nog, crank the heat and keep one eye on the sky. Southeast Peacock Lane between Stark and Belmont streets. Free.

FRIDAY DEC. 25 I L L U S T R AT I O N S B Y PA I G E TA ; C A L E B M I S C L E V I T Z

The Hateful Eight in 70 mm

[TARANTINO] Merry motherfucking Christmas, in Ultra Panavision.

Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy Blvd., 493-1128. $15.

DJ Keys & X-Mas Flicks

[NON-FAMILY HOLIDAY] Transplants, dissenters and the uninclined can drink and watch holiday movies on the projector with DJ Keys and Da Booger Elves all night. Swift Lounge, 1932 NE Broadway, 288-3333. 7 pm. Free.

’Tis the binge during Christmas, and all through the bars Patrons self-medicate emotional scars Midst smokable tinsel, candy-cane-scented puke And Brenda Lee covers serenading the juke.

SATURDAY DEC. 26

We’d pitchers of eggnog and Long Island Iced Tea Plus noses of red for this short winter’s spree.

Outside MFP there arose such a clatter We sprang from our stools to see what was the matter.

Tea Time

[PINKY UP] While Grandma is visiting, you might as well get teatime out of it. Formal service includes Townshend’s Teas and bites of precious things like macarons, quail eggs in prosciutto, and tea sandwiches. Pix Patisserie, 2225 E Burnside St., 971-271-7166. 2 pm. $34

’Twas a little old driver so weary and miffed We knew in a moment he must be our Lyft.

To Spare, Driftwood, Radio! To all of the Rooms!

To the Tavern of Tony’s where gin blossom blooms!

Farnell Newton and the Othership Connection

[HORN FUNK] Fresh off touring with Bootsy Collins, two of Portland’s finest brass artists lead one of the region’s finest jazz-funk jam bands.

Trumpet player Newton and trombonist Kyle Molitor have bold musical voices that speak loudly. The Goodfoot Lounge, 2845 SE Stark St., 239-9292. 10 pm. $8. 21+.

We roared over bridges, past churches and mall To drink away cares and watch Cleveland play ball.

And as the Lyft left, the car’s driver did shout: “For family holidays, stay always blacked out!”

TUESDAY DEC. 29 Oregon Symphony with Meow Meow

T URN AGE THE P A FOR E GUID HE TO T S BAR

[CABARET HOLIDAY] Christmas is over, and so begin the end-of-year traditions. Opening the symphony’s annual performance of Beethoven’s Ninth is sly cabaret artist Meow Meow, who could unleash anything from Astor Piazzolla tangos to Amanda Palmer tunes to originals written in tandem with Pink Martini’s Thomas Lauderdale. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335. 7 pm. Through Dec. 30. $45-$150. All ages.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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BRIDGET BAKER

6:59 am

MY FATHER’S PLACE 523 SE Grand Ave., 235-5494, myfathersplacepdx.com.

6 am-2:30 am.

Although the Central Eastside Industrial District’s dive bar of record welcomes a wide swath of well-wishers throughout the day, first call Christmas morning attracts an especially diverse scrum for unofficial sunrise service, split evenly between retirees seeking eye-openers, and drinkers still awake from the night before. Homesick transplants might divine a trace of Yuletides past from the gruff bonhomie, unreconstructed comfort food and well-worn rec-room aesthetic. And, for those self-made orphans day-drinking away obligations, “Spending the holiday at My Father’s Place” remains the perfect excuse.

2 pm

BELMONT INN 3357 SE Belmont St., 232-1998, belmontsinn.com.

(Estimated) 1 pm-2:30 am.

• CHRISTMAS SPIRIT? Stocking half-empty.

10:50 AM: Walk approximately a half-mile to…

11 am

TONY’S TAVERN 1955 W Burnside St., 228-8527. 11 am-2:30 am.

• SUGGESTED COCKTAIL? Hot buttered rum.

Hot apple pie. Eggnog. Rumple Minze and cocoa.

• FOOD SPECIALS? An afternoon Christmas

dinner comes with applewood smoked ham or prime rib, but Christmas morning will continue a breakfast tradition: a family-sized chickenfried steak with gravy and eggs. Of last year’s rendition, we’re told, patrons’ hearts grew three sizes that day, then stopped altogether.

• APPROPRIATE CAROL? Garage cover of “Merry Christmas From the Family”.

Long considered the deepest dive of West Burnside’s alkie district, where committed boozehounds could drink the day away unencumbered by conversation or natural light, the disappearance of neighboring Matador has brought a rather more convivial crowd to the no-frills lounge. There will be revelers wearing Santa hats, and there will be regulars wondering why.

• CHRISTMAS SPIRIT? Surprisingly festive!

Wreaths, reindeer, bluesy Santa figurines, and bartenders’ stockings hung from the TV with care.

9:50 AM: Board bus No. 15 (NW 23rd Ave.) at Southeast 7th Avenue and Belmont Street.

10:03 AM: Get off at Southwest Morrison Street and 16th Avenue. Walk one block to…

10:05 am

•

SUGGESTED COCKTAIL? Peppermint

Patty.

• FOOD SPECIALS? Another well-organized potluck seems probable. (Thanksgiving’s poultry spread included roast rooster.)

• APPROPRIATE CAROL? “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues.

DRIFTWOOD ROOM 729 SW 15th Ave., 820-2076, hoteldeluxeportland.com/ eat-drink/driftwood-room. 10 am-10:30 pm.

Once a withering lounge attached to a de facto extended care facility whose name described furnishings and patrons alike, the Driftwood Room has been reborn as a jewel box of luxe tippling that lures a cosmopolitan array of visiting guests, West Hills dowagers, and genteel bohemians sniffing happy-hour bargains.

• CHRISTMAS SPIRIT? N/A. There’s abso-

lutely no hint of an incoming Yuletide unless you believe the old saw that the best Christmases are vintage, monied and, well, white.

• SUGGESTED COCKTAIL? A still-unnamed

holiday concoction (DrambuTea and Spice World were summarily rejected as possibilities) featuring grapefruit juice, Champagne, Allspice Dram liqueur and Townshend’s Spice Tea.

• FOOD SPECIALS? A limited bar menu will be available. Adjoining hotel restaurant Gracie’s offers prix fixe brunch and a liquor-filled hot chocolate. Reservations are strenuously advised.

• APPROPRIATE CAROL? “Santa Baby” by Eartha Kitt.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

11:45 AM: Call Radio Cab. Realize the driver is a newly sober ex. Ignore the glare of disapproval piercing through the rearview mirror during awkward small talk all the way to…

NOON

RADIO ROOM 1101 NE Alberta St., 287-2346, radioroompdx.com. 9 am-2 am.

Fully embracing its recent rebranding as lower Alberta’s morning boozery, Radio Room accepts its accompanying obligations to foster the festivities of recent émigrés and the indie faithful. The upper deck and fire pit will both be open for business, and curious celebrants should expect an extensive Yuletide menu, thematic craft cocktails and po-faced banter about creeping commercialization of the holidays.

• CHRISTMAS SPIRIT? Lump of coal. For

a casual-chic lounge otherwise painstakingly appointed to resemble the Stiff Records Department of FAO Schwarz, a few limp

strands of Christmas lights thrown around the window feels especially lazy.

• SUGGESTED COCKTAIL? While details

remain under wraps, there’s talk of pumpkin nog and crushed-candy-cane-topped rims.

• FOOD SPECIALS? Biscuits and Rudolph

gravy, Frangelico French toast, hot toddy hash.

• APPROPRIATE CAROL? “Christmas Is Coming Soon” by Blitzen Trapper.

12:52 pm: Board bus No. 72 (Killingsworth/82nd Ave.) at Northeast Alberta Street and 15th Avenue. 1:01 pm: Get off at Northeast Killingsworth Street and 42nd Avenue.

1:03 pm

SPARE ROOM 4830 NE 42nd Ave., 287-5800, spareroomrestaurantandlounge.com. 7 am-2:30 am.

A sprawling dive that serves as Cully’s unofficial community center, this former bowling alley hosts a range of entertainment, from stringband square dances to Kill Rock Stars showcases to bingo nights for the senior set to, later this evening, the funk stylings of Cool Breeze.

A bar for all seasons, this is the one time of the year when the back-bar-adjacent sitting-room installation—couches, lamps, fireplace; imagine the long-abandoned set for an Andy Williams Christmas special—makes any sort of sense.

A defiant reminder of the area’s rougher, readier, recent past, Belmont Inn took advantage of its namesake thoroughfare’s changing fortunes to double down on the attractions beloved by its fiercely loyal clientele: more taps, a gleaming Big Buck Hunter, and UFC on the big screen.

Though not a sports bar, this is a bar that enjoys sports—a notable rarity amid the tastemaker zone—and, for the most hotly anticipated regular-season NBA game since Shaq vs. Kobe 11 Christmases past, even the teetotalers may wish to duck out on the family festivities when the irresistible Warriors meet the immovable LeBron.

• CHRISTMAS SPIRIT? Tastefully festive, like the chocolate oranges handed out from a European workmate. In different context, the handful of snowflake and tinsel might appear underdone, but, for a bar featuring the front of a vintage Camaro hovering above the restroom walls, less is undeniably more.

• SUGGESTED COCKTAIL? Spanish coffee.

• FOOD SPECIALS? Some hearty fare will

probably be served—ham, turkey—though eating is rather beside the point.

• APPROPRIATE CAROL? Strumming a

pool cue to Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town” while your girlfriend rolls her eyes.

5 PM: Following a triple-overtime thriller, stagger out into the world and ask a palsied newsboy what day it is. Upon learning it’s still Christmas, cheer triumphantly. Somewhere, there’s a dinner to crash. And, for the saddest sacks among us, legends claim that the stately homes of nearby Peacock Lane never turn away a stray guest who comes knocking.

• CHRISTMAS SPIRIT? These halls are decked!

The main dance floor has been breathtakingly adorned for the winter formal of your dreams. Alas, an overreliance on neon blue and clumped fake snow along the narrow lounge area implies an ill-fated foam party from certain angles.

• SUGGESTED COCKTAIL? Eggnog Jell-O shots, Christmas in a Cup (Bailey’s, Fireball, Jameson, whipped cream).

• FOOD SPECIALS? “That’s Friday…surf and turf?”

APPROPRIATE CAROL? “I’ll

Make Every Day Christmas (For My Woman)” by Joe Tex.

D E V I N A M ATO

Aside from the life-sized snowmen cheerily menacing passers-by, half-hearted nods to seasonal decor are subsumed within a surrounding flood of tchotchkes. Older women in red or green evening gowns and wilting poinsettias should appear throughout the early morning, however.

1:29 PM: Call Uber. Enter a minivan driven by a grandma from Vernonia trying to keep busy because her family is dispersed across the country. Spend a half-hour lost in the wilds of Laurelhurst.

N E W Y E A R ’ S E V E PA R T Y

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

27

HAPPY 2016!

NW 9Th + LOVEJOY PEARL DISTRICT 503.477.8604 WWW.PEARLSPECIALTY.COM

OPEN UNTIL 10PM

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

N E W Y E A R ’ S E V E PA R T Y

SAVE THE DATE!

JOIN US FOR OUR 2016 WW Signature Events!

February 23 - Oregon Beer Awards April 30 - Cultivation Classic July 13 - WW’s Best of Portland Block Party September 24 - Beer Pro/Am Visit wweek.com for more info.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

29

m aya s e t t o n ; k ay l a s p r i n t

FOOD & DRINK

BeTTeRs: Renata’s margherita pie with arugula and the meat plate at Matt’s BBQ.

Call It a Comeback REVISITING THE RESTAURANTS THAT LEFT US WONDERING. by m a rt i n c i z m a r a n d m attH E W KO rFH aGE

We review a lot of restaurants over the course of a year.

Too many, maybe.

In an era when the local daily publishes only one or two traditional restaurant reviews each month, WW runs six or seven. Rather than limit ourselves to the most notable openings—the ones guaranteed to draw readers in the ’burbs and controversy—we take a shoe-leather approach to food criticism. We still don’t get around everywhere we want, but our staff critics have reviewed more places than any other publication in Portland.

As the year draws to a close, the thing we tend to think about most isn’t our greatest meals, or our worst, but the ones that left us wondering. So, as another year draws to a close, we check back on the places whose potential wasn’t fully realized, to see how they’ve developed.

night. The winter menu features richer, heavier fare than the summer, including a stellar pappardelle, fat noodles cooked perfectly and topped with braised pork and a brown gravy to match. The pizza has improved.

Our margherita was very slightly overdone, but lacked the acrid burnt bitterness that once plagued the pies.

Former Sugar Cube proprietor Kir Jensen is now making the desserts, and they have her trademark touches—a slice of gooey chocolate cake benefited from wondrous little globules of chocolate and olive oil.

The winter cocktails seem stuck in purgatory, though.

Rather than fully embrace smoke and bitters, the menu includes a dreadful drink called Occam’s Razor that tastes almost exactly like Mixed Berry Kool-Aid.

Pizzeria Otto

6708 NE Sandy Blvd., 971-373-8348, pizzeriaotto.com.

Renata

626 SE Main St., 954-2708, renatapdx.com.

Date: July 14 THE PITCH: Wood-fired Italian from Nick Arnerich, son of prominent Portland investment manager Tony Arnerich. Nick previously worked the front of the house at Napa Valley’s French Laundry with his wife, Sandra.

Chef Matt Sigler previously worked at Flour + Water, an excellent pizzeria in San Francisco’s Mission District.

THE PROBLEM: Great pasta and large crowds, but “Renata isn’t making good use of either the Arnerichs’ fine-dining service experience or Sigler’s proficiency with pizza…. If it were my restaurant, I’d just Luca Brasi the pizzas. Both were huge disappointments—the first, a meatball pie, because of a dull sauce, and the second, because it was baked too long, developing that sour, blackened flavor that comes when you burn a few kernels of popcorn in the kettle.”

NOW: Renata remains very busy—we had to wait an hour and a half for a table as a walk-in on a Monday 30

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

Date: Dec. 16, 2014 THE PITCH: A former Roseway antique shop gets an applewood-fired 900-degree Forno Bravo oven and hires a pizzaiolo who previously worked at Cibo and the Via Tribunali chain.

THE PROBLEM: “Yes, the bottom is leopard-spotted with those dark flecks of toasty char found on any high-end pizza. But the rest of the crust is flaccid in both flavor and structure…. Of the five pizzas we had on two visits, all were mushy at heart, without that ribbon of flexible chewiness I look for in the center of a pie.”

NOW: Seating is still a mess—you order at the counter and hope a table is available when your food comes, though people hop out of line to grab tables—but they’d dialed in the pies. The dough is still extremely lithe, but there’s enough structure now. Neither a $22 black truffle pie nor a farro salad made any sense— the ultra-thin sliced ’shrooms were lost in the salty cheese, and I don’t know who wants a big pile of farro in vinaigrette with their pizza—but a more traditional pie was satisfying and there’s a nice crowd.

The People’s Pig

3217 N Williams Ave., 282-2800, facebook.com/PeoplesPig.

Date: April 21 THE PITCH: Pitmaster Cliff Allen ran a downtown food cart for five years before the owner of the Tropicana soul-food joint on North Williams Avenue retired. There’s no beef on premises—just pig and lamb, smoked in an ancient pit.

THE PROBLEM: “The smoked fried chicken…seems stupidly brilliant until you try it. After so much prep, the meat ends up dry, dark and leathery, the breading so fragile it falls off on the first nibble. It’s like eating a sawdust-covered baseball glove…. Most of People’s sides and drinks need some work. The jojos lack the snap of well-fried potato, the coleslaw is too sweet, with an off-putting herbal note, and a mint julep is served with a huge mound of pebbly crushed ice that makes it tough to suck out the booze. The greens are nice and stewy, and keep that last little snap.”

NOW: Well, the meat is still good—thick slices of smoked pork shoulder with a gorgeous baroque remain the best pig brisket in town. On this visit, the formerly schizophrenic stereo stuck with classic rap (“Ruff Ryders’ Anthem”? What?! Uh!) and greens are still tasty. Unfortunately, our cornbread was left unpleasantly soggy by a honey sauce, a hot toddy was served in a miniature Mason jar without handles, and thus impossible to comfortably sip while still warm, and the smoked fried chicken sandwich still dissolves into a messy pile of breading and sauce.

MOST IMPROVED

Matt’s BBQ

4709 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.

Date: Sept. 8 THE PITCH: Though a New Yorker by birth, Matt Vicedomini learned the art of Texas-style barbecue down south—way south, in Australia. He serves up ribs, hot links and brisket in the back of a pawn-shop parking lot on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard.

THE PROBLEM: He was having a hard time keeping his meat in stock—the ribs were gone within 20 minutes on one visit—and we found the brisket a bit stewy for our taste.

NOW: Oh, God damn. This is terrific barbecue. The brisket has more than resolved its texture issues: It’s beautifully fatty and flavorful as hell, with the structure and bark and

Simple ApproAch

white-oak smokiness to back it up, and the bark is peppery heaven.

And the supply issues on those ribs seem to have been solved. On a Friday and a Saturday afternoon, we had no problem picking up a pair of dry-rub ribs so pure in their smoke you’d know the name of the tree whose wood cooked them from just a single bite. Matt’s hot link still has note-perfect texture and pop, but has benefited from the addition of a little more spice. Meanwhile, the side beans are meatier, the potato salad blessedly heavy on pickles. Only the coleslaw is a little slack. In early September, Matt’s was already a solid barbecue cart. Judging by our December visit, it now stands as some of the best barbecue in the city—period. Rodney Muirhead, look the fuck out.

Pollo Norte

5427 NE 42nd Ave., 287-0669, pollonorte.com.

Date: Jan. 13 THE PITCH: Pollo Norte cooks up chicken on a rotisserie imported from Mexico, slow-cooking meticulously sourced birds spiced with lime juice and achiote powder on a rotating spit, while letting the juices drip down onto the cabbage served with it. When Norte opened, it was the only Latin chicken spot within city limits—you otherwise had to drive to Gresham’s El Inka.

THE PROBLEM: “No, Norte’s birds aren’t as good as El Inka’s—yet. That might be because they’re being pulled off the imported Valmex rotisserie before the skin can get a nice toasty crunch.” Norte was also having troubles because its fridge wasn’t big enough and it was short a spit on the rotisserie, which meant it was sometimes selling out its birds before dinner hours, and pulling birds off the spit too soon.

NOW: Norte has been industrious this year, building a foodcart pod out back housing not only two other Latin carts and an outpost of Kim Jong Grillin’ but also a walk-in fridge that lets it brine and store a whole hell of a lot more chicken. Despite interim reports that it was having a hard time keeping quality up at its brisk sales volume, our most recent visit found the chicken every bit as moist and flavorful as it ever was, and the skin browned to a lovely crisp crackle. We still found no use for the smoked ancho sauce, and a habanero was so sweet and mild it all but disappeared. But the excellent coleslaw is still fresh, citric and spicy. The meaty pintos were rich as hell, and the tomatillo sauce remains one of the freshest-tasting salsas in the city. The biggest problem? Chicken and Guns opened on Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard, and immediately usurped Pollo Norte’s title as the best within city limits. Actually, we think Chicken and Guns is maybe even better than El Inka.

Hop Dog

1122 SW Stark St., hopdogpdx.com.

E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

Date: Sept. 29 THE PITCH: From the people behind Little Big Burger and Blue Star Donuts, a spot built around beer-boiled Sabretts and Olympia Provisions dogs on one-of-a-kind pretzelized brioche buns from Nuvrei.

THE PROBLEM: “There are two big problems. First, the meat. Also, the buns. The Sabretts lack their signature snap and have no char, a result of boiling in Olympia beer with no grill finish: They get a slow-andlow cookout on 7-Eleven-style metal rollers. The bun is confusing. Perhaps I’m old school and set in my opinion, but I feel a hot-dog bun’s job is to get the hell out of the way.”

NOW: The beer-boiled dogs are still a problem, although on our recent visit we were allowed to throw an OP dog down on any of the hot dogs—a welcome change. But even the stellar OP dogs are compromised by Hop Dog’s cooking process, and two dogs took an actual 15 minutes to make. The buns, however, have improved. Back in September, they had a sort of burnttoast quality, while the current rendition is a bit softer around the edges. But while we’re sure that the specialty Hannukah dog we tried was meant as a tribute, the addition of capers and salmon “shmear” to an already salty, sickly, boiled beef Sabrett amounted to a holiday atrocity.

= WW Pick.

Highly recommended.

By MATTHEW KORFHAGE. Editor: MARTIN CIZMAR. Email: dish@wweek.com. See page 3 for submission instructions.

Bold FlAvor vegan Friendly

open 11-10

everyday

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 23 Christmas Eve Eve at the BeerMongers

The BeerMongers bring out some barrel-aged brews to celebrate the day before the day before Christmas, an annual tradition that will have you just hungover enough that you float through typically painful family discussions. No tap list as of yet, but it should be a good one—these guys are beermongers. PARKER HALL. The BeerMongers, 1125 SE Division St., 234-6012. 3 pm.

500 NW 21st Ave, (503) 208-2173 kungpowpdx.com

THURSDAY, DEC. 24 Christmas Eve at Bluehour

Fridge full of ham? Lazy in general, and your out-of-town parents are paying? Bluehour loves the holidays, and will be hosting a special threecourse meal for Christmas Eve, with choices that include deer tartare, stuffed quail, black cod with beets and pumpkin cake. Bluehour, 250 NW 13th Ave., 226-3394.

Dickens Christmas Eve

Old-school-themed Ned Ludd makes itself a home to orphans every Christmas Eve with a Dickens-themed dinner. Because Christmas is all about neglected children. Anyway, there will be parsnip soup, Brussels sprouts and bacon, turkey roulade, salad with sieved egg and, like, figgy pudding.

When you’re done with the figgy pudding, ask for more. If they don’t give it to you, prove them wrong by getting adopted by Mr. Brownlow and living happily every after. Ned Ludd, 3925 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 288-6900. 5 pm.

1. Joe Brown’s Carmel Corn

1053 Lloyd Center, 287-2143.

It’s Christmastime in the city—and for generations, that’s meant a big ol’ holiday tin of Joe Brown’s Carmel Corn from Lloyd Center. Weirdos and Midwesterners go for the Chicago corn cheese-and-caramel mix, but the masterpiece is the kettle corn. $.

2. Tastebud

7783 SW Capitol Highway, 234-0330, tastebudpdx.com.

It’s been a long time since Portlanders could get Tastebud’s pies, outside of a farmers market.

Well, the new place in Multnomah Village is far better than the original in Brooklyn—a warm, inviting room with wonderful pizza. $$.

3. Teo Bun Bo Hue

8220 SE Harrison St., No. 230, 208-3532.

The bun bo Hue soup here rivals or bests the namesake soup at the Southeast 82nd Avenue Bun bo Hue restaurant farther south. That said, the pure taste of the chicken pho may be the standout. $.

4. La Carreta

4534 SE McLoughlin Blvd., 236-8089, lacarretaportland.com.

This mazelike Mexican roadhouse has strawberry margaritas that actually taste like juice—and they’re $1.99 before 6 pm if you sit at the bar. Pair it with an excellent beef enchilada. $.

5. Coquine

6839 SE Belmont St., 384-2483, coquinepdx.com.

Just a few months ago, this tidy mountainside cottage felt like our own little secret. The city’s gotten wise, but French-trained chef Katy Millard is earning all the praise she’s received. $$$.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

MUSIC

The Critical Confessional OUR WRITERS’ UNPOPULAR OPINIONS ON MUSIC IN 2015.

BY WW STA F F

Nothing new happened this year.

There were plenty of solid albums to get excited about, but they were just that: solid, not particularly extraordinary. With the exception of Grimes and Kendrick Lamar, no one really released anything challenging or unexpected—and even those are questionable.

Grimes sucks, and no one wants to admit it.

Grimes may be an alt-pop genius— Rihanna with hairy armpits and a Windows 98 password—but the truth is no one has any idea what the fuck she’s doing, and no one wants to be the first to say, “This is pretentious bullshit.”

She’s got a big voice, sure, but her heartbreak is not greater than any other love song in the history of music. Just because she can hit high notes doesn’t make her the voice of a generation.

Portland rock is too macho.

This year, Seattle made rock-mag headlines and scored pieces in The New Yorker for its rising feminist art-punk scene. Portland, meanwhile, has Black Pussy and legions of beta-male indie slackers. Seattle might suck in comparison, but its bands are adding a lot more to the conversation.

Justin Bieber is still our worst pop star.

Not long ago, this wouldn’t have been controversial, but ever since Skrillex and Diplo reverseengineered Bieber’s voice to sound like Ecco the Dolphin playing a pan flute, critics are trying to convince us otherwise.

Nah, dog. And “Boyfriend” is still his best song, anyway.

I’m pretty sure Ryan Adams’ 1989 was meant as a joke.

It was weird to see all the music-crit Swifties fawn over Adams’ indie-dude validation, when all he did was take an exceptional pop album and make it as boring as, well, the last couple Ryan Adams albums.

Vinyl is bullshit.

It doesn’t sound better. And it’s too expensive. I switched back to CDs this year. CDs sound fucking great. Your vinyl collection is just furniture that no one can sit on.

The world needs less music.

Spotify is awesome.

Personally, I really didn’t need an hour and a half of Fetty Wap, three discs of Titus Andronicus or the cumulative 2,587 tracks Future and Young Thug released this year. Let’s hope the “less is more” philosophy returns in 2016, or at least the concept of the fire one-off EP.

It is, hands down, one of the best ways for the millennial generation to discover new, non-mainstream music.

The company might not be cutting checks to each cash-strapped Elliott Smith wannabe, but it sure is good exposure for up-and-comers.

Portland still isn’t truly supporting its hip-hop scene.

Father John Misty is boring.

I get it, Mr. Tillman, you’ve made it your role to crossexamine pop culture and shit on the very industry that’s made you famous. I’m just tired of craning my neck to hear you from that high horse you’re on.

Adele gives me no feels.

TYLER GROSS

Sure, it’s better than it was pre-Blue Monk, with more rappers popping up at PDX Pop Now and in our Best New Band poll. But until we see more hip-hop shows at tastemaking venues like Doug Fir, Mississippi Studios and Rontoms Sunday Sessions—and not just the same two or three artists over and over—the notion of inclusion is still mostly lip service.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

COURTESY OF

C A R LY R A E J E P S E N . C O M

MUSIC

JERRY JOSEPH & THE JACKMORMONS Tuesday, December 29th at 6PM

TOP

5

CARLY RAE JEPSEN

FIVE SHOWS WE’RE ALREADY LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2016

Janet Jackson at Moda Center, Jan. 12

Whether the result of retroactive poptimism or just collective nostalgia, 2015 felt like a comeback year for Miss Jackson. (I’m not that nasty, really.) Her new album, Unbreakable, is pretty good—slinky and funky like her classic material—but you’ll surely be pleased to hear that her recent set lists leave no hit unplayed.

2 Childbirth at Bunk Bar, Jan. 24 Portland got the soccer championship, but if we’re being honest, Seattle had the better year in music, due in large part to its female-driven punk scene. It’s not riot-grrrl redux, but rather feminism writ Abbi and Ilana, and Childbirth’s crass, catchy Women’s Rights LP—which takes swipes at tech bros, Tinder dads, breeders and Best Coast—could’ve come straight out of the Broad City writers’ room.

3 Vince Staples at Hawthorne Theatre, Feb 28 Staples’ Summertime ’06 was the second-best-received rap album of 2015, behind To Pimp a Butterfly, though it’s no less incisive, sprawling and ambitious—just lighter on the spoken-word interludes. It’s gangsta rap that’s fully aware of the desperate conditions that breed gangsterism, and offers few assurances that everything’s gon’ be all right. Off record, Staples seems like a fun guy to watch a basketball game with, provided you can forgive him for being a Clippers fan.

4 Carly Rae Jepsen at Wonder Ballroom, March 1 Emotion, the “Call Me Maybe” singer’s highly anticipated (by critics, anyway) third album, imagines an alternate-reality ’80s where Debbie Gibson is as cool and artistically viable as Prince, and does so well enough to make you reassess the actual ’80s. It didn’t sell, but that’s OK—it just means her next album is going to sound like Robyn, which was sort of her destiny, anyway.

5 Pusha T at Crystal Ballroom, March 6 As half of Virginia rap duo Clipse, Pusha T helped introduce indie-rock bloggers to this thing called hip-hop in the early 2000s, and has remained a critics’ darling after going solo. Of course, the same could be said of Dipset, and if you attended Dipset’s Portland show this year, you might wonder if the Crystal is too big for Pusha T. Whatever, though: He just dropped a great new album in Darkest Before Dawn, got a new job as the head of Kanye West’s GOOD Music imprint and has another record slated for 2016. It’s good to be King Push right now, whether he sells out the joint or not. MATTHEW SINGER.

Jerry Joseph has worn a lot of hats over more than three decades in the music trenches – righteous rocker, hyper-observant cultural observer, spiritual & political firebrand, force of nature live performer – but the bedrock of what he does has always been songwriting of the highest caliber. Joseph is a kindred tunesmith to sharp, craftsmanship minded pros like Elvis Costello, Warren Zevon and Nick Lowe, where the resoundingly sturdy bones inside their compositions shape things no matter what’s draped over them.

Happy Holidays FROM MUSIC MILLENNIUM!

FREE JANUARY COUPON BOOKS!

Come by Music Millennium anytime before the end of the year and receive a free coupon book loaded with great January deals and savings! No purchase necessary!

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

MUSIC c o U R t E S Y o F R o YA L A R t I S t G R o U P

dates here

Farnell Newton and the Othership Connection play the Goodfoot on Saturday, Dec. 26. = WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Prices listed are sometimes for advance ticket sales. At-the-door increases and so-called convenience charges may apply. Event lineups are subject to change after WW’s press deadlines.

Editor: MAttHEW SInGER. to BE conSIDERED FoR LIStInGS, go to wweek. com/submitevents and follow submission directions. All shows should be submitted two weeks or more in advance of event. Press kits, cDs and especially vinyl can be sent to Music Desk, WW, 2220 nW Quimby St., Portland, oR 97210. Please include show or release date information with all physical mailings. Email: msinger@wweek.com. Fax: 243-1115.

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 23 Ali Muhareb’s Mujahedeen, Hands In, Strange Wool

[PSYcH oUt] While you were sleeping, Ali Muhareb wrote his debut solo album. over a span of late nights in his bedroom on his Mac, when most people doze off to netflix, Muhareb recorded Mujahedeen, a record of groovy, tripped-out electronica. In previous projects, Muhareb, a former member of Portland psych-punk band talkative, paid homage to his delay pedals and the stoney cartoon show Adventure time, but with Mujahedeen, he takes his passion for the psychedelic to another level, adding rhythmic drum patterns, caribbean and African music influences and a variety of funky samples. A new EP, Existentially Wasted, is coming in January, so expect to hear some previews tonight.

ASHLEY JocZ. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave, 228-3895.

9 pm. Free. 21+.

SATURDAY, DEC. 26 Ducky Pig

[RARE BREED] Local supergroups are scarce—blame it on scheduling conflicts and “creative differences”— but they certainly aren’t unheard of. take Ducky Pig, for instance. the roots-rock act comprises some of the more prolific established players in the Portland Americana scene, including prominent guitarists Lewi Longmire and Scott Law, as well as the father-son rhythm section of Roger and tye north. What this essentially amounts to is a night of extended, groove-laden cuts spanning their collective discographies, as well as covers of neil Young, Merle Haggard and whomever else they deem fit for a Boxing Day celebration of the twangiest caliber.

BRAnDon WIDDER. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. 9 pm. $10. 21+.

Farnell Newton and the Othership Connection

[HoRn FUnK] two of Portland’s finest brass artists step off the road with Bootsy collins and onto the stage at the Goodfoot to lead one

of the region’s finest jazz-funk jam bands. trumpet player Farnell newton and trombonist Kyle Molitor have bold musical voices, with schooled chops that speak loud but still have something unique to say. It’s a steadyrolling train of good times for this band, who curate the perfect cap to a week spent with in-laws and children. PARKER HALL. Goodfoot Pub & Lounge, 2845 SE Stark St., 239-9292.

10 pm. $8. 21+.

The Quadraphonnes, Melao de Cuba

[FoUR SAXES] A quartet consisting of some of Portland’s finest female instrumentalists and music educators—all of whom play different sizes of saxophone—the Quadraphonnes have been slowly expanding their reach for some time now. Having released a funky sophomore album, Get the Funk Out!, the group focuses much of its current efforts on collaboration. Performing tonight with local cuban-inspired outfit Melao de cuba, the quartet swims in a sea of clave, adopting a warm and rhythmic genre that will heat up even the coldest of eardrums. PARKER HALL. Star Theater, 13 NW 6th Ave., 248-4700. 9 pm. $10. 21+.

SUNDAY, DEC. 27 Redwood Son

[SLoW-DAncE coUntRY] Redwood Son serves as a subtle reminder that country music does exist in this town, and not just in the form of Willie nelson covers. the twangy outfit has catchy rock-’n’-roll sensibilities, making it come off as a romantic, rural version of Ben Harper or Spearhead. It’s feel-good and somewhat cheesy, but it comes from a place more genuine than the aforementioned bands. there’s plenty of embellishment and cliché subject matter, but hey, that’s what pop country is all about. MARK StocK. The White Eagle, 836 N Russell St., 282-6810. 7 pm. Free. 21+.

MONDAY, DEC. 28 Thirsty City with Luck & Lana, Ripley Snell, Old Grape God, Bry Zen

[RocK tHE BELLS] With the month-

ly’s founder northern Draw providing a consistent home base for underground beats and rhymes at the Know, its been a big year for thirsty city. It is a rare opportunity to check out local producers and lyricists without having to head downtown, and the punk venue provides a perfectly intimate stage for artists to mingle with the local audience, often while paired with national touring acts. the final thirsty city of the year invites the idiosyncratic flow of PDX heads Ripley Snell and Grape God, who is coming off a high-flying collab with local dub-fusion outfit Gulls, for an off-the-cuff psychedelic hip-hop excursion through fractalized beats and stoned musings, alongside L.A. Living Legends affiliates Luck & Lana. WYAtt ScHAFFnER. The Know, 2026 NE Alberta St., 960-6340. 8:30 pm. $5. 21+.

CLASSICAL, WORLD & JAZZ Classical Revolution’s Bachxing Day

[cLASSIcAL REMIX] Although classical music is often misconstrued as “stuffy,” classical Revolution defies that stereotype. A national grassroots organization, classical Revolution strives to bring chamber music to the most unlikely places, in order to prove that it can be accessed by anyone. the Portland chapter, which first organized in 2007, is the secondoldest in the country. this Boxing Day, classical Revolution Portland presents its ninth annual Bachxing Day concert, featuring the work of German composer Johann Sebastian Bach. the ensemble performs his orchestral Suite no. 2 as a group, and welcomes any local classical musicians interested in joining, even those who wish to sight-read on the day of the event. Individual instrumentalists will also play solo works inspired

by Bach and his legacy. HILARY SAUnDERS. Vie de Boheme, 1530 SE 7th Ave. 7:30pm Saturday, Dec. 26.

7:30 pm. Donations suggested. 21+.

Oregon Renaissance Band

[oG DIY XMAS] Portland is widely celebrated as a DIY music town, and it doesn’t get more do-it-yourself than making your own instruments. that’s what some of the baker’s dozen musicians in oregon Renaissance Band have done for almost a quarter century, constructing many of their own violins, sackbuts, viols, recorders, lutes, dulcians, racketts, krummhorns, cornamusa, bagpipes and more.

As they’ve done in concerts around the world, they’ll be playing homemade authentic replicas of museum originals and singing lively danceable holiday music from the 16th and 17th centuries in what’s always one of the most fun—and unique—sea-

cont. on page 39 Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

KARL GIANT

MUSIC

Meow Meow performs with the Oregon Symphony at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall on Tuesday, Dec. 29. sonal musical celebrations around.

BRETT CAMPBELL. Community Music Center, 3350 SE Francis St., 631-2973. 7:30 pm Saturday, Dec. 26. $12-$15. 21+.

Portland Youth Philharmonic’s Concert-at-Christmas

[CLASSICAL] Classical music is pretty old and all, but it’s particularly impressive when a youth orchestra has been around for nearly a century.

The Portland Youth Philharmonic debuted on Valentine’s Day in 1925, making it the oldest youth orchestra in the country. Today, it has grown into a beloved local organization that strives to teach classical music to young musicians, while also serving as a cultural asset for the community. The PYP encompasses 300 young musicians in two full symphony orchestras, a chamber orchestra, a wind ensemble and one string orchestra. The day after Christmas, all of these groups, plus the alumni orchestra, gather at the Schnitz for a celebratory holiday concert. Led by musical director David Hattner, the Portland Youth Philharmonic will perform two works

by Italian composers: Gioachino Rossini’s L’italiana in Algeri (The Italian Girl in Algiers), a dramatic, yet comic operatic love story, opens the evening; later, they perform Ottorino Respighi’s Fountains of Rome, the symphonic poem that preceded his famous piece of bombast, The Pines of Rome. HILARY SAUNDERS. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 223-5939. 7:30 pm Saturday, Dec. 26. $28-$57. All ages.

The Ensemble

[CONTEMPORARY CHRISTMAS] Attention, heathen Portlanders! The sounds of sacred classical music are here to save your sorry secular asses, and there’s no better opportunity than this concert. A quintet of singers drawn from Portland’s top choirs—sopranos Catherine van der Salm and Mel Downie Robinson, alto Kerry McCarthy, tenor Nick Ertsgaard, bass Patrick McDonough—accompanied by harpist Kate Petak, eschew the carols and ancient classics you’ve OD’ed on by now and instead sing seasonal music from our own century and the one before. The program features three of today’s most popular choral composers, Norwegian-American Ola Gjeilo (whose film music training at USC shows), Brit Tarik O’Regan, and San Francisco choral composer Kirk Mechem, plus Benjamin Britten’s A Ceremony of Carols (which shares a riff from Lindsey Buckingham’s “I’m So Afraid”). BRETT CAMPBELL. First Christian Church, 1314 SW Park Ave., 228-9211. 4 pm Sunday, Dec. 27. $25.

Alll ages.

Cult of Orpheus

[MODERN TROUBADOR] Christopher Corbell is on a roll.

Fresh off selling out the entire three-

day run of his new, set-in-Portland opera, Viva’s Holiday, the Portland composer and poet (and erstwhile singer-songwriter-rockabilly guitarist) is premiering a slew of new, original poetic songs. The set includes his brief “Insect Songs,” a cycle of settings for flute (Liberty Broillet) and soprano (Camelia Nine) of Robert Hass’ English translations of haiku by 18th-century Japanese poet Issa, as well as original sonnets for classical guitar and voice performed by Corbell himself and a new setting of one of the great poet Rainer Maria Rilke’s celebrated sonnets to Orpheus that Corbell will play with cellist Betsy Goy. Further underscoring the music-poetry connection, local poets Elie Charpentier and Katherine Sullivan will also give readings of their work. BRETT CAMPBELL. Jade Lounge, 2348 SE Ankeny St., 236-4998. 7 pm Sunday, Dec. 27. $10 suggested donation. 21+.

Oregon Symphony, Portland Symphonic Choir, Meow Meow

[CABARET NEW YEAR] If you’re going to hear only one live performance of classical music each year, you could do a lot worse than Beethoven’s glorious ninth and last symphony, so it’s no surprise that the Oregon Symphony’s year-ending performance of it has become an annual holiday tradition, with a (spoiler alert) concert-ending torrent of balloons pouring from the Schnitz rafters. It’s a lot more exalting than the usual champagne hangover, but still runs under 90 minutes, so each year the symphony adds an opening act. This year, it’s sly cabaret artist Meow Meow, reprising her 2013 TBA Festival appearance with the Oregon Symphony and her longtime collaborator, Pink Martini founder-pianist Thomas Lauderdale. The AustralianBritish chanteuse has worked with everyone from David Bowie to Pina Bausch to Mikhail Baryshnikov, and played the Sydney Opera House, Harlem’s Apollo Theater and London’s West End. Aided by a quintet, she might unleash multilingual music by Amanda Palmer, Astor Piazzolla tangos, caustic cabaret tunes from Jacques Brel to Bertolt Brecht and Kurt Weill and originals written with Lauderdale.

And she will be funny. Guests might include various von Trapp singers and members of Portland Gay Men’s Chorus and Portland Youth Philharmonic, and the program warns that music might range from Edvard Grieg to George Gershwin to Patty Griffin to Philip Glass, from Richard Wagner to “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.”

BRETT CAMPBELL. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 228-1353. 7:30 pm Tuesday, Dec. 29. $45-$150. All ages.

SAVE THE DATE BEER GUIDE 2016 Willamette Week’s annual guide to everything beer including breweries with in an hour of Portland, the best beer and bottle shops, favorite destinations around Oregon and Washington and of course, our top 10 beers including the prestigeous WW Beer of the Year.

Publishes February 24th, 2016 For advertising information email advertising@wweek.com

For more Music listings, visit Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

39

MUSIC CALENDAR 225 SW Ash Jack Ramsay

2

421 SE Grand Ave Dead Ryan in concert

McMenamins Al’s Den 303 SW 12th Ave Shane Tutmarc

5

350 West Burnside Kings and Vagabonds Ep Release

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont Boxing Day Benefit for Rose Haven

Duffs Garage

2530 NE 82nd Ave Arthur Moore; Blues Jam

9

The White Eagle

Edgefield

2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Sloan Martin of Beach Fire

836 N Russell St. Redwood Son

1

12

MON. DEC. 28

Jade Lounge

2348 SE Ankeny Mathew Zeltzer Hosts

Dante’s

4

350 West Burnside Karaoke From Hell

Justa Pasta

1336 NW 19th Ave Anson Wright Duo

Edgefield

3

McMenamins Al’s Den 303 SW 12th Ave Scott Fisher

6

10

2348 SE Ankeny The Global Folk Club Hosted by Andrea Wild

The Know

Starday Tavern

2026 NE Alberta St. Thirsty City with Luck & Lana, Ripley Snell, Old Grape God, Bry Zen

7

6517 SE Foster Rd Happy Fun Ball

Streetcar Bistro and Taproom

11

922 NW 11th Avenue, Unit 406 Val Blaha

TUES. DEC. 29 Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont Soopah Eype + Ripley Snell + Bryson Fisher

1037 SW Broadway Oregon Symphony, Portland Symphonic Choir, Meow Meow

The Waypost

3120 N Williams Avenue PDX Trombones Holiday Concert

Ash Street Saloon

8

225 SW Ash Last Week’s Ghost

The White Eagle

Bossanova Ballroom

836 N Russell St Spank!

722 E Burnside St Portland Blues & Jazz Dance Society

THURS. DEC. 24

Jade Lounge

2348 SE Ankeny Michael Griffith, Jordy Appleheart

Edgefield

2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Christmas Eve with David Kelley

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave Ian Christensen Trio

13

Ranger Station

4260 SE Hawthorne Blvd Open Mic- Hosted by Dave Kelsay

1. Magic Sword at Doug Fir Lounge, 1/16 2. Sleep at Crystal Ballroom, 2/6 3. Smokey Robinson at Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 2/14 4. Marilyn Manson at Roseland Theater, 3/25 5. Young Thug at Roseland Theater, 4/1 6. The Replacements at Crystal Ballroom, 4/10 7. Mac DeMarco at Crystal Ballroom, 4/22

FRI. DEC. 25 Edgefield

2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Christmas Day with 23 Window

Streetcar Bistro and Taproom 1101 NW Northrup Avenue Adlai Alexander

SAT. DEC. 26

8. Lightning Bolt at Dante’s, 4/29 9. Sleater-Kinney at Crystal Ballroom, 5/5 10. Dan Deacon at Mississippi Studios, 5/7 11. Divers playing WW ’s Best New Band Showcase at Mississippi Studios, 5/15 12. Refused at Doug Fir Lounge, 5/29 13. Sufjan Stevens at Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 6/8

225 SW Ash Random Axe

Clyde’s Prime Rib Restaurant & Bar

5474 NE Sandy Blvd Norman Sylvester

40

Kennedy School Theater

5736 N.E. 33rd Ave. Dancehall Days

Kennedy School Theater

5736 N.E. 33rd Ave. Tanner Cundy

LaurelThirst Public House 2958 NE Glisan St Jackstraw

Streetcar Bistro and Taproom 1101 NW Northrup St Wil Koehnke

The Know

2026 NE Alberta St RED TANK (AZ)

Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall

Ash Street Saloon

2845 SE Stark St Sonic Forum

Jade Lounge

17917 SE Stark Street Hip Hop Camp

225 SW Ash Little Urban Achievers

2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Groovy Wallpaper with Rob Wynia

Goodfoot Pub & Lounge

Mississippi Studios 3939 N Mississippi Ave. Ali Muhareb’s Mujahedeen Rockwood Library

Ash Street Saloon

5736 N.E. 33rd Ave. Bill Wadhams & Friends

Lovecraft Bar

Dante’s

1037 SW Broadway Portland Youth Philharmonic’s Concertat-Christmas

[DEC. 23-29] Kennedy School Theater

W W S TA F F

Ash Street Saloon

For more listings, check out wweek.com.

LAST YEAR LIVE, PT. I

= WW Pick.

Highly recommended.

WED. DEC. 23

Editor: Matthew Singer. TO HAVE YOUR EVENT LISTED, send show information at least two weeks in advance on the web at wweek.com/ submitevents. Press kits, CDs and especially vinyl can be sent to Music Desk, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Please include show or release date information with all physical mailings.

Email: music@wweek.com.

The Liquor Store Community Music Center

3350 SE Francis St. Oregon Renaissance Band

Dante’s

350 West Burnside DIAMOND TUCK reunion: Night After Christ, Night Before FLASH! with FIREBALLS OF FREEDOM, BREAKER BREAKER & ELVIS!

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

Doug Fir Lounge 830 E Burnside St. Ducky Pig

Duffs Garage

2530 NE 82nd Ave Mitch Kasmar

Edgefield

2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Boxing Day with the Stomptowners

Goodfoot Pub & Lounge

2845 SE Stark St. Farnell Newton and the Othership Connection

Kelly’s Olympian

426 SW Washington St The Tennesseans, Challenger ‘70

Kennedy School Theater

5736 N.E. 33rd Ave. Cedar Teeth

LaurelThirst Public House 2958 NE Glisan St The Yellers

Slim’s

8635 N Lombard St Radio Gumbo

Star Theater

13 NW 6th Ave. The Quadraphonnes, Melao de Cuba

Streetcar Bistro and Taproom 1101 NW Northrup Avenue The Brian Odell Band

Coronation, Unsafe Dartz

The Secret Society 116 NE Russell St The Jenny Finn Orchestra

Turn Turn Turn

The Firkin Tavern

8 NE Killingsworth St Investigate West Benefit w/ The Weak Knees

The Secret Society

1530 SE 7th Ave. Classical Revolution’s Bachxing Day

1937 SE 11th Ave El Diablitos + The Bricks +TBA 116 NE Russell St

Vie de Boheme

SUN. DEC. 27 Dante’s

350 West Burnside Gaea Love Orchestra Followed By Sinferno Cabaret

Edgefield

2126 S. W. Halsey ST. Billy D

First Christian Church 1314 SW Park Ave. The Ensemble

Jade Lounge

2348 SE Ankeny Cult of Orpheus

3341 SE Belmont Helvetia + Clarke & The Himselfs + Paleo

The Ranger Station

4260 SE Hawthorne Blvd Bluegrass Tuesdays, w/ Pete Kartsounes and Friends

The White Eagle

836 N Russell St Anthemtown Artist Showcase - Groovy Wallpaper, Hunter Paye, Santi Elijah Holley, Coastal Cascade

MUSIC

THE GOLDEN DRAGON

Where to drink this week.

M AYA S E T T O N

BAR REVIEW

PRIVATE VIP ROOMS OVER 30 DANCERS DAILY

1. The Slammer

500 SE 8th Ave., 232-6504.

The Slammer is a Portland Christmas tradition—a dive bar so packed with a blinking rainbow of holiday lights that it’s like Peacock Lane for drunk adults, except with cheap drinks and skee ball instead of cars and children.

FOOD CARTS OPEN LATE NIGHT ALWAYS HIRING ENTERTAINERS

2. Ankeny Tap & Table

3. Skyline Tavern

18 AND OVER AFTER HOURS PARTY TILL 6AM

4. The Spare Room

4830 NE 42nd Ave., 287-5800, spareroomrestaurantandlounge.com.

This converted Cully bowling alley—now an iconic barn of a bar with live-sax karaoke and meatloaf specials—contains as much Christmas as one could ever fit in a single room, with big-ass lights on the ceiling and a mess of fake snow. Oh, and a “mystery shot” that amounts to a wrapped present under a tree.

5. La Moule

2500 SE Clinton St., 971-339-2822, lamoulepdx.com.

St. Jack’s cross-river companion bar is a fine place to drink and eat mussels beneath a portrait of black-eyed Serge Gainsbourg, while Television plays in a bar without a television.

324 SW 3RD AVENUE • LOCATED DOWNTOWN WELCOME TO THE ’HOOD: There’s now a little chunk of Mount 503-274-1900 • GOLDENDRAGONPDX.COM Hood in Slabtown. Back in September, Mt. Hood Meadows opened a small retail store on Northwest 17th Avenue. Altitude (1202 NW 17th Ave., 337-2222, skihood.com/altitude) is not a full-service shop like they have on the mountain. Rather, it’s a place to get your season pass and buy a new pair of gloves from the big bin of $20 models on clearance.

You can get a drink, too, since the shop has a couple beer taps pouring Hopworks IPA and Local Logger, and also serves wine. If you want food, Altitude sits across the street from the new Nuestra Cocina Frog Town taco cart that quietly spun off from the Division Street restaurant a few months back. Altitude is a bare-bones space—basically just four stools and a basket of nuts. At first blush, it doesn’t make sense to have a bar inside a small shop that isn’t trying to soften buyers for big-ticket items.

But it comes with a built-in sense of community. Meadows pass holders are a clubby bunch. Stop by, and you’ll see people who know each other 04S.Account.rep.3XXX/XX.XX.XX/initials from the mountain chatting about Monday’s snow dump and conditions at Superbowl. Beer, conversation, tacos—what else do you want in a bar?

What else does anyone want? MARTIN CIZMAR.

Moloko 3967 N Mississippi Ave Monkeytek & Friends (dub)

Goodfoot Pub & Lounge

WED. DEC. 23 Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave HOLLA ‘N OATES (shout-raps, dad rock)

Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Psychopomp with Ogo Eion (ambient, folk, drone, noise)

2845 SE Stark St SOUL STEW with DJ AQUAMAN AND FRIENDS

SAT. DEC. 26 Analog Cafe & Theater

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd ANDAZ Bhangra Bollywood Dance with DJ Anjali and The Incredible Kid

Lovecraft Bar

THURS. DEC. 24 Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Shadowplay (EBM, goth, dance)

FRI. DEC. 25 Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Club Kai Kai Drag Dance Party

421 SE Grand Ave Darkness Descends with DJ Maxamillion

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St DJs Kiffo & Rymes (house, techno, disco)

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave Montel Spinozza (the noise/the funk)

Club 21

2035 NE Glisan S ROCK & RULE with DJ Sean

GOLDENDRAGONCLUB

8031 NW Skyline Blvd., 286-4788, skytav.com.

The 90-year-old Skyline Tavern, freshened up recently by new owners, looks like it’d be in a movie starring Burt Reynolds, and has a clientele that goes like this: millionaire, millionaire, poor person, construction worker, millionaire.

@GOLDENDRAGONPDX

2724 SW Ankeny St., 9461898, ankenypdx.com.

The former Tap That! decided to stop offering to tap passing women and instead tap the neighborhood, with a crowd of regulars and often the first tapping of tiny, brand-new local breweries like Rosenstadt, Fortside and Scout.

SUN. DEC. 27 Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave Dear Mama Present Dig A Pony’s “Do Right Sunday” (rap, electro, R&B)

Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Softcore Mutations with DDDJJJ666 & Magnolia Bouvier (eclectic vinyl dance)

MON. DEC. 28 Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave BOBBY D (Nigerian boogie)

Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave DJ Cory (metal & new wave)

TUES. DEC. 29 Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave Atom 13 (various)

Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave BONES with DJ Aurora & DJ Acid Rick (dark dance)

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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Happy Holidays 42

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

C O U R T E S Y O F S P I E G E LW O R L D . C A

PERFORMANCE = WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Most prices listed are for advance ticket sales. At-the-door increases and so-called convenience charges may apply, so it’s best to call ahead.

Editor: ENID SPITZ. Theater: ENID SPITZ (espitz@wweek.com). Comedy: MIKE ACKER (macker@wweek.com). Dance: ENID SPITZ (dance@wweek.com).

TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit information at least two weeks in advance to: espitz@wweek.com.

NEW REVIEWS The Great American Trailer Park Christmas Musical

Stumptown Stages performed the ultimate Christmas miracle: they made a trailer park you’d actually want to live in—residents drink Keg Nog, make ornaments out of trash and the trailers are decorated with PBR cans draped in silver tinsel. The Great American Trailer Park Christmas Musical mixes the profanity of Bad Santa with the touching spirit of How The Grinch Stole Christmas in a two-hour, fourteensong parody of A Christmas Carol.

The story is a bit absurd, including amnesia, time travel and people speaking in tongues as Darlene, the Scrooge of Armadillo Acres, gets into the spirit and saves her Florida trailer park. But nothing feels over the top here—we expect theatricality from musicals and Christmas stories, and this is both.

The narrators—Park manager Betty, Lin (short for Linoleum) and Pickles (played by fireball Kelly Stewart)— are three sirens with perfect harmonies and purposefully imperfect dance moves. And while the show feels two songs too long, it’s worth it to watch the ghost of grandma sporting a leather jacket and riding a Razor scooter. SOPHIA JUNE. Brunish Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 248-4335.

7:30 pm Thursday-Saturday, 2 pm Saturday-Sunday, through Dec. 27. No show Friday, Dec. 24. $25-$40.

ALSO PLAYING A K.B.N.B. Kristmas Karol

Slapstick antics and pratfalls are second only to boob grabs in Bag & Baggage’s holiday offering. It’s a theater show about radio actors and their studio’s final night before it’s destroyed to make way for a greedy media tycoon’s new TV sound stage.

As the cast struggles to produce a passable adaptation of what they call “Dickles Charleston,” using a single microphone in a near-empty studio, they are forced to contend with the agenda of the zealous television producer, his austere German sound designer and two bickering show-biz sisters. Juxtaposition is the name of the game here. The twilight of radio faces the rise of visual broadcasting in the story’s background, the set design casts a pall of sparse dereliction over a zany holiday comedy, and 1940s character archetypes riff on everything from Citizen Kane to ScoobyDoo. The cast of eight tempers the verbose, fast-paced farce with visual interplay and innuendo. They constantly collide (usually hand-to-breast) and fill the stage with raunchy sight gags in a Karol that boasts dropped pants aplenty, a three-girl nippletwisting routine and at least six pelvic thrusts in the first act. They manage to sing a few Christmas songs, too! MIKE GALLUCCI. The Venetian Theatre, 253 E Main St., Hillsboro, 693-3953. 7:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 23. $27-$32.

A Christmas Carol

Portland Playhouse is fully steeped in the season’s spirit, transporting you to Victorian England when you step inside the converted church, where child actors, barmen and boxoffice staff all put on British accents to match their waistcoats and petticoats for Rick Lombardo’s adaptations of Charles Dickens’ holiday classic. Reprising its popular production Playhouse avoids doldrums by making the play an experience. As Scrooge transforms into a generous, lovable gentleman, Playhouse adds

creative lighting tricks, like making the shadow of Drew Harper’s Scrooge into the Ghost of Christmas Future. Each of the 13 performers also take up an instrument—there’s piano, organ, at least two guitars, ukulele, floor tom drum, sleigh bells and a tambourine.

It’s impossible not to feel your heart grow a few sizes as 6-year-old Serelle Simone Strickland sings Tiny Tim’s solo. Shows at 1, 4 and 7 pm TuesdayWednesday, Dec. 22-23, and 11 am and 2 pm Thursday, Dec. 24. HILARY SAUNDERS. Portland Playhouse, 602 NE Prescott St., 488-5822. 7 pm Wednesday-Saturday and 2 pm and 5 pm Sunday, through Dec. 24. $20-$36.

The Dissenter’s Handbook

Dario Fo’s irreverent redos of Italian folklore make for a show that’s more comedy than pure theater. It’s like bawdy story time and traditional clowning with a side of slapstick.

Matthew Kerrigan stars again, following up this summer’s staging at CoHo. Shaking the Tree’s main name, director Samantha Van Der Merwe (who just finished staging Sarah Ruhl’s Passion Play all around town), is adding an extra Fo kicker to this show: The Tale of a Tiger. It’s a short story about a tiger nursing a Chinese revolutionary back to health after he gets gangrene.

It’s rare to hear a show promise to be subversive, hilarious and spiritual...and actually believe it. Shaking the Tree Theatre, 823 SE Grant St., 235-0635.

7:30 pm Thursday-Saturday and 5 pm Sunday; extra shows 7:30 pm TuesdayWednesday, Dec. 22-23; no shows Thursday-Friday, Dec. 24-25. $25.

The Miracle Worker

Artistic director Dámaso Rodriguez knew what he was doing before the first casting call. 12-year-old Agatha Olson stuns as the deaf-blind lead in William Gibson’s play, even though she’s never taken a theater class, Early in the play, Anagnos (Michael Mendelson) says to Annie Sullivan (Val Landrum): “She is like a little safe, locked, that no one can open. Perhaps there is a treasure inside.” “Maybe it’s empty, too?” Sullivan counters, with the stinging cheek that Landrum delivers perfectly. This Miracle Worker grabs your insides long before Sullivan cracks her tempestuous charge, though. The veteran cast riffs on Gibson’s minimal dialogue, adding brawls and well-timed comedy for a surprisingly gripping ride. Flashbacks add a ghostly effect, staged behind a curtain that only turns translucent when it’s backlit. And just before the break, we get a chase scene that rivals Bond. Only this one involves a ceramic water pitcher and Sullivan wearing a bustle as she fields blows from the egg-spattered, explosive Helen.“You feel better about the world when the play is over,” Rodriguez says. “They should install tissue boxes on every row,” half-joked a millennial on opening night. “The Miracle Worker: brought to you by Kleenex.”

ENID SPITZ. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1516 SW Alder St., 241-1278. 7:30 pm Tuesday-Sunday and 2 pm Sunday, through Jan. 17. No shows Dec. 24-25; extra shows 11 am Wed., Dec. 23, and 2 pm Saturday-Sunday, Jan. 2-3. $48.

The Santaland Diaries

Like the immortal Kris Kringle, Portland Center Stage’s Crumpet the elf seems destined to revisit us year after year. This stage adaptation of David Sedaris’ beloved/despised diary of working as a Macy’s holiday elf is far beyond cult classic at this point.

Reprising his role as the jaded and self-deprecating elf, local stage and

EMPIRE

screen mainstay Darius Pierce dons his crushed velvet suit again, for the stalwarts who are comparing annual notes. Newbies, spike your nog. ENID SPITZ.Gerding Theater, Ellen Bye Studio, 128 NW 11th Ave., 445-3700.

7:30 pm Tuesday-Sunday and 2 pm Saturday-Sunday, through Dec. 27.

Extra show 2 pm Thursday, Dec. 24, no show Friday, Dec. 25. $35-$55.

Shrek

The expected neon colors, large ensembles and fart-off gags are all here, but like a good Disney movie, parents can find a few things to snicker at too. Multilevel sets and a huge closet of professional costumes are impressive, but maybe not quite enough to mitigate a nearly three-hour show time.

No shows Dec. 14-16. Extra show noon Thursday, Dec. 31. Northwest Children’s Theater, 1819 NW Everett St., 2224480. Noon and 4:30 pm SaturdayWednesday, through Jan. 3. $17-$23.

Twist Your Dickens

The Second City is back for more than the second time, doing Dickens improv that combines sketch comedy and audience input. Last year, WW pointed out that the show “left an aftertaste worse than that of spoiled eggnog,” and we’re not holding out for a Christmas miracle this year. Special show 2 pm Thursday, Dec. 24. US Bank Main Stage at The Armory, 128 NW 11th Ave., 4453700. 7:30 pm Tuesday-Sunday, 2 pm Saturday-Sunday and noon Thursday, through Dec. 31. $25-$53

ZooZoo

First went Frogz, now goes ZooZoo. Imago is good at having final shows of childrens’ theater...many times. But really, this truly is the very last time ever in the entire existence of the world that you can watch insomniac hippos, bitchy anteaters and sneaky penguins in mask. Shows Dec. 20 and 22-24 are at 12 and 3 pm, and Dec. 28-30 at 2 pm. Imago Theatre, 17 SE 8th Ave., 231-9581. 7 pm Friday, 12 and 3 pm Saturday and 2 pm Sunday, through Jan. 3. $34.50.

COMEDY & VARIETY Matt Braunger

One of Portland’s most important comedic exports is coming home for the holidays. Co-founder of the seminal Bridgetown Comedy Festival, Matt Braunger is both an elite comic actor and a top-shelf standup comedian.

Braunger has appeared on Maron, The Pete Holmes Show and the Late Show with David Letterman, and his newest special, Big Dumb Animal, is currently available on Netflix. Check him out for a special one-night engagement that is sure to be the highlight of your Christmas weekend. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 889-0090. 9 pm Saturday, Dec. 26. $18-$20. 21+ .

Midnight Mass

One of the city’s best comedy showcases is here to help you close out your day-after Christmas celebrations. Hosted

by Portland’s Funniest Person Amy Miller, December’s Midnight Mass features an all-star lineup of Adam Pasi, Jason Traeger, Phil Schallberger, Molly Fite, Marcus Coleman, Alana Eisner, Ted Ledwith, Alex Rios and Crystal Kordowski. Show up early, and you might catch a glimpse of Portland’s premiere male burlesque troupe. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th Ave., 841-6734. 11:55 pm Saturday, Dec. 26. Free. 21+.

DANCE Empire

If you’ve ever experienced the artistry and wonder of a Cirque du Soleil performance, you are in no way prepared for the mindfuck that is Spiegelworld.

Alternately astounding, hilarious and truly fucking bizarre, the Spiegelworld cast will push you to the absolute limit of what you’re comfortable with—and well fucking beyond. If you are the kind patron who enjoys balls in your face, chewed-up banana in your mouth and other forms of depravity paraded as entertainment, you’re in for a treat. In such a small performance space the

acrobatics and contortion acts become jaw-droppingly real, with every quivering muscle, hyper-extended rib cage and sweat-slicked pectoral on full display. It’s every bit as erotic as it sounds, with plenty of eye candy for all persuasions. And though the production may read like a low-budget Cirque, its performers are undeniably world-class, with Olympic-caliber gymnasts and vocalist Tessa Alves (aka Miss Purple), who could easily headline on her own. Comedy duo Jonathan Taylor and Anne Goldmann play the hosts and keep things moving with comedic skits, nudity and that spontaneous sexual assault. Empire will leave you titillated, amazed and horrified beyond all reason—in the best possible way.

PENELOPE BASS. Rose Quarter Benton Lot, 542 N Broadway, 1-800-745-3000.

7 pm Tuesday-Sunday and 9 pm FridaySaturday, through Jan. 17. $25-$99.

The Nutcracker

If you don’t already have a visceral reaction to sugar plum fairies and a gingerbread woman with hordes of children under her petticoat, you are a unicorn. The most-watched ballet, and the largest-grossing all year for most dance companies, sweeps young Clara away to a fantastical wonderland where toys duke it out with rats.

Extra shows 2 and 7:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 23, noon Thursday, Dec. 24, no show Friday, Dec. 25. Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay St., 222-5538. 7:30 pm Thursday-Sunday and 2 pm FridaySunday, through Dec. 26. $29-$146.

So You Think You Can Dance

The top 10 from SYTYCD’s 12th season tour the country, unfortunately minus the real reason anyone watched this show: host Cat Deeley’s endearing Britishisms and fashion sense. .

Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 800-273-1530. 7:30 pm Sunday, Dec. 27. $35-$79.50.

For more Performance listings, visit

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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BEN HUFF

VISUAL ARTS = WW Pick. Highly recommended.

By ENID SPITZ. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit show information—including opening and closing dates, gallery address and phone number—at least two weeks in advance to: Visual Arts, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: espitz@ wweek.com.

tinuity with the subject. This thoughtful layer adds a metaphysical edge to the work, and shows us how our tangible world and the unseen forces around us are all interwoven. HILARY TSAI. Through Dec. 30. Augen Gallery, 716 NW Davis St., 546-5056.

The Silk Road

New York-based artist Didier William’s prints, collages and cutouts combine to create colorful layers of paper, panel and wood. He gauges, strikes and stains the surfaces of his paintings of human forms twisted around their environments. It’s an exceptional show, asking how painting and printmaking can deal with space, movement and figure/ground relationships. It’s up for interpretation whether William’s characters are dissolving into or absorbing their backgrounds. Each one is sneakily unnerving, but strong blocks of color make them bold, too. KYLA FOSTER. Through Jan. 2. Hap Gallery, 916 NW Flanders St., 444-7101.

Vibrant, colorful, geometric shapes monopolize this show, which consists of large textile collages and small laser-cut prints by artist Mark R. Smith. His intent to build labyrinthine imagery that suggest the pathways of the historic silk trade route and the online black market comes through in these paintings—most obviously in “Spiritual” and “Practice,” where Smith juxtaposes what appears to be a continuous circuit of digital wiring with elaborate embroidered fabric. Smith’s work references pixelated images, but combined with his laborious process and tactile materials, the outcome is more than two-dimensional. Similar to the intrigue and pull of the Internet, I left the gallery wanting to see more. KYLA FOSTER. Through Jan. 2.

Elizabeth Leach Gallery, 417 NW 9th Ave., 224-0521.

Colors

Tori Bryer

Camouflage

The Hundred-Acre Wood

From across the gallery, Ken Ragsdale’s photographs appear to depict depressed Northwest landscapes: campsites after twilight, abandoned clearcut forests. Upon closer inspection, the viewer realizes the images are enlarged photographs of tiny, elaborately constructed paper dioramas. In many, the artist’s pencil lines are intentionally visible, as are the tabs used to fold the 3-D trees, trucks, and water towers together, acting as a reminder that the decay and destruction of our natural world is of our own making. JENNIFER RABIN. Through Jan. 3. Blue Sky Gallery, 122 NW 8th Ave., 225-0210.

In the City

Screenprints on glass tiles of everyday objects like dumpsters, mopeds and storefront mannequins by Portland artist Stacey Lynn Smith, Nathan Sandberg’s glass and concrete tiles that are dot printed to mimic the unnoticed textures of asphalt and Scottish artist Karlyn Sutherland’s kiln-formed glass rectangles combine at Bullseye Project’s In the City collective show. Using urban landscapes as inspiration, the show ranges from Sandberg’s “Paver 6”—a small square of concrete lined with cracks— to Smith’s screenprints reminiscent of fliers and ads that collage street corners, including things like a canary yellow food truck. KYLA FOSTER. Through Dec. 23. Bullseye Gallery, 300 NW 13th Ave., 227-0222.

The Last Road North

For five years, Alaska-based photographer Ben Huff traveled along America’s northernmost thoroughfare, the Haul Road. Built as a supply route for the Trans-Alaska Pipeline, the road extends 414 miles and is traversed primarily by truckers transporting supplies to and from the oil fields. Huff is sharing his visual journey, inspired by the captivating Alaskan landscape and the individuals and machines who navigate it. His photographs capture the paradoxes of the Haul Road—beautiful, snowy mountains in the wilderness, juxtaposed with miles of snaking pipeline and abandoned, rusty oil

MILE 316 BY BEN HUFF, PART OF THE LAST ROAD NORTH barrels. KYLA FOSTER. Through Jan. 2. Newspace Center for Photography, 1632 SE 10th Ave., 963-1935.

Material Evolution: Urban Coyotes, Past and Present

If you’re wondering what a sea-green coyote has to do with the Venice Canal, Mary Hinckley might not have an answer for you. Her enigmatic show combines disparate images— a salmon head sculpture and a metal gate—to examine hidden connections.

These fused glass works feature kaleidoscopic patterns of primary reds, blues and yellows, and are created through a hybrid process that draws from mosaic and stained-glass traditions. Coyote sculptures in a plethora of colors and sizes comment on the way slight modifications to an image can completely change how we view them. A pink resin coyote might evoke playfulness, while the same sculpture cast in bronze emanates feral strength.

HILARY TSAI. Through Dec. 30. Augen Gallery, 716 NW Davis St., 546-5056.

Molly 16’s Rock n Roll Fantasy

Honoring a local youth’s mark on the rise of punk rock in Portland circa 1990, Molly 16’s Rock n Roll Fantasy is a multimedia sidecar to PNCA’s Alien She exhibit, which centers on Bikini Kill. Molly 16 grew up in group homes in Portland in the ‘90s, singing in an all-girl band and critiquing society in her Rock n Roll Fantasy zine. She did the cover art for Bikini Kill’s debut album, but later took her own life.

This exhibit of archival videos, animations and music—curated by Molly’s best friend, filmmaker Amber Dawn—is an homage to Molly and her Fantasy. ENID SPITZ. Through January 29. Collection Studies Lab, 511 NW Broadway, 917-324-3179.

Seeing Nature

The stunning new exhibition from the Paul G. Allen Family Foundation has all of the hits no one has ever seen.

The only reason these works aren’t in the art history books is because they haven’t been in a public collection.These aren’t the pinnacle works of any artist’s career but there is still a healthy selection from Monet to Moran, O’Keeffe to Richter. Some might be disappointed that none of the pieces are recognizable masterworks, but that’s precisely what makes this show so important. Viewing a private collection is like unlocking a hidden room of art history—these are gems secreted away from the rest of the world that are now brought to light. We see Cézanne’s Mont Sainte-

Victoire, Monet’s water lilies and the explosive power of Volaire’s Vesuvius, but also the fleshy flora of O’Keeffe and the blurry photo paintings of Richter. GRAHAM W. BELL. Through Jan. 10. Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park Ave., 226-2811.

Shifting Migrations

These botany-inspired etchings pull viewers in with sheer vibrancy.

Meandering tendrils, bold organic silhouettes and soft, glowing colors radiate life and energy; but there’s more to this series than initially meets the eye. Doyle investigates the connection between natural forms and the invisible energy that links everything together. The delicate linework in pieces like “Katsura” translates migratory patterns and star charts into optical patterns, while preserving con-

Dense and elaborate designs of tropical leaves and foliage are the result of Tori Bryer’s twenty years of artistic experimentation. She runs live plant samples through her press and layers the prints in gentle pastels, tropical blues, yellows and metallic silvers.

Blocky, smooth base layers of solid color serve to balance out the more organic shapes in a compelling blend of textures that intrigues and plays with your eyes. HILARY TSAI. Through Jan. 2. Blackfish Gallery, 420 NW 9th Ave., 224-2634.

For more Performance listings, visit

Blue Sky at Blackfish Blackfish Gallery looks exhibits—the specter of Death at Froelick; deserted l i k e a s e c o n d - g r a d e grayscale prints at Blue Sky; riot cops and flaming classroom this month— war planes at Right Side—Merges’ bright pops of one folding chair, a blue color, if simple, are seductive and refreshing. metal desk and a wall of about 20 small squares Recent Works is essentially a community painted in swirls of egg-yolk yellow, fresh-grass craft project. On First Thursday, the one-person green and bubblegum pink. The prints look like desk was stacked with papers that looked like a they ’re made with that kids’ take-home exam and prompted machine that spins paper while viewers to write down a descripyou squirt paint on it, trying not tion of their homes. People to make everything brown by took turns—an octogenarian being overzealous. in a three-button sweater, two But while Palmarin Merges’ teen boys, a schoolgirl in pink Recent Works is sunny and galoshes—while Merges, who’s almost juvenile, the artist is hardly taller than the smallest meticulous. Inspired by aborigiparticipant herself, fluttered nal walkabouts and ancient around collecting the papers and Australian mythology, she draws hugs from visiting friends. detailed patterns of white lines Unlike most exhibits, this one RECENT WORKS on the neon squares, capturing will transform over the course moments from her walks around Portland with her of the month. Merges draws new Works at the beloved dog Barney. The tiny dot patterns, zigzags little blue desk a few days each week. Inspired by and leaf patterns could be abstract Batik textiles, the stories that First Thursday patrons penned, but you’ll see familiar city sights in the outlines of she sketches stars, lines and swirls on her painted Chickens Huddled or Rhododendron Dreaming, too. squares and Instagrams them as she goes. You Coffee Journey to my Belly is a chartreuse, sun- could fault @palmarinprints #liveart for trading flower and magenta square covered in what looks curation for crafting, but that feels a lot like taking like petri dish sketches from science class. It’s a away recess. ENID SPITZ. happy meditation on downing caffeine, the acidic and rainy experience most grown-ups in Portland SEE IT: Recent Works is at Blackfish Gallery, 420 NW 9th Ave., 224-2634. Through Jan. 2. can relate to. Contrasted with December’s somber Palmarin Merges’ #livedrawing brings color to a dark December.

ENID SPITZ

No exhibition can better be described by the phrase “you had to be there.”

PDX Contemporary invited six artists to explore color, and it is impossible to appreciate the results without seeing it for yourself. No amount of pouring over the images on the gallery’s website will give you any indication of what it feels like to stand in front of Peter Gronquist’s green-blue color field, wondering how he manipulated light and space. Or how the subtle tones in Anne Appleby’s oil and wax diptych make you feel like you might get sucked into the wall. Sometimes, abstract canvases covered in pigment can elicit loud and disinterested eye rolls from passersby. This is not one of those times. JENNIFER RABIN. Through Jan. 9. PDX Contemporary, 925 NW Flanders St., 222-0063.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

CO U R T E SY O F T H E W E I N S T E I N CO M PA N Y

MOVIES = WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Editor: ENID SPITZ. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, send screening information at least two weeks in advance to Screen, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: espitz@wweek.com. Fax: 243-1115.

OPENING THIS WEEK The Big Short

A We’re in a bubble of movies about the financial crisis, but The Big Short is the first good one. It’s based on the book by Michael Lewis, who’s known for making complicated financial issues into compelling stories, and adapted by Adam McKay, who is known for Talladega Nights and the “More Cowbell” sketch.

Surprisingly, this combo works. The film focuses on three real weirdos (Steve Carell, Christian Bale and Brad Pitt) who were some of the only people to predict the collapse of the housing market in 2007. They used convoluted financial instruments to make huge bets against housing and, despite devastating personal and professional costs, reaped massive rewards when the world did fall to pieces. The film is packed with funny and surprisingly clear explanations of the financial system (shout-out to Planet Money foun der Adam Davidson, who consulted). It’s entertaining and informative, just like you’d expect from Michael Lewis and not at all what you’d expect from Adam McKay. R. ALEX FLACONE. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Living Room Theaters, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Evergreen, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Tigard.

Concussion

Will Smith is Dr. Bennet Omalu, the Nigerian forensic pathologist who pioneered research on the brain damage caused by football. He sets out to spread awareness about the life-threatening consequences of football-induced head injuries, clashing with the NFL and a culture that worships the sport. Screened after deadline. See wweek.com for Lauren Terry’s review. PG-13. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard.

Daddy’s Home

B Will Ferrell hasn’t exhausted the comedy of emasculation just yet—his argyle sweater vest-wearing persona still has some comic juice, especially teamed with The Other Guys co-star Mark Wahlberg’s alpha male. Brad (Ferrell) works at a smooth-jazz radio station— the movie gets points just for that glorious touch—and is determined to be the world’s best stepdad to the kids of new wife Sarah (Linda Cardellini). Enter Dusty (Wahlberg), Sarah’s tattooed, chopperridin’ ex, who might want to re-enter the family portrait. Director Sean Anders sticks to sitcom setups, and obvious gags. But compared to, say, the shapeless Sisters, Daddy’s Home at least has structure and sincerity (both films have jokes about genitals). Nothing here is as soaringly daft as the “lions vs. tunas” exchange in The Other Guys, but there’s a nice surreal bit about a home repairman (Hannibal Buress) who shows up one day and then just never leaves Brad’s house. Enough of that kind of thing keeps Daddy’s Home recognizably, and acceptably, Ferrellesque. PG. ROBERT HORTON. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Pioneer Place, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, St. Johns Theater.

Joy

B+ Director David O. Russell takes his

formula for American Hustle, wraps it in Christmastime and casts America’s asskicking sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence as the woman who invented the self-wringing Miracle Mop. Joy (Lawrence) is the ultimate handyman, balancing her explosive father (Robert De Niro) and musician ex-husband (Édgar Ramirez) fighting in

the basement, her antisocial and bedridden mother (Virginia Madsen), two kids and too many unpaid bills. She fixes plumbing, shoots rifles to let off steam, bleeds a widow (Isabella Rossellini) for money and gives Bradley Cooper’s Home Shopping Network exec a piece of her mind. The movie is a joy to look at, with its postcard-worthy scenes and Lawrence wearing the pants. But the girl-power slant is too steep, Lawrence looks and feels too young for her role, and after a crescendoing HSN sales bit, the movie trails too long. Relying on a blue-collar underdog story, co-written by Annie Mumolo of Bridesmaids, and a blameless cast—De Niro, Rossellini, Cooper and they keep rolling in—wasn’t a risky bet.

But don’t those mail-order deals always seem smaller in real life? PG-13. ENID SPITZ. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, CineMagic, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Hollywood, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Sherwood, Tigard.

Mustang

A In remote Turkey, five orphaned sisters are strictly confined to their home while their uncle arranges their marriages. Beneath the shadow of their family’s oppression and opposition, the girls struggle to experience the youthful freedoms that many of us take for granted.

In this feature debut from director Deniz Gamze Ergüven, Lale—the youngest sister—watches her siblings capitulate to suffocating patriarchy and searches herself for the strength to escape. The film is anchored by outstanding performances from an ensemble cast of young newcomers whose portrayals are sincere and affecting. Through their eyes, we see the anger and fear that dominates their lives and how the young women have been deprived of any choice or freedom.

The pallor of their blinkered lives looks stark in comparison to the weathered and intractable attitudes of their traditional and adherent elders. Focused and natural, Ergüven’s direction is concerned mainly with the faces of the characters as they each react in their own way to the inexorable situations they’re trapped in. PG-13. MIKE GALLUCCI. Living Room Theaters.

Point Break

A remake of the 1991 bro classic, whose surfing, skydiving and bank-robbing homoeroticism wasn’t extreme enough for a generation weaned on Mountain Dew. It was screened for critics, but then the production company embargoed reviews until opening day, which we suspect is because it’s awful, though we definitely can’t confirm suspicions that it is a massive letdown and a terrible remake, despite having already seen it. See wweek.com for AP Kryza’s review. PG-13. Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Evergreen, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Pioneer Place, Sherwood, Tigard.

STILL SHOWING Ant-Man

B+ If it were a comic book, it wouldn’t

be the kind you put in a Mylar bag. It’d be one that you read with greasy fingers and childlike relish. PG-13. AP KRYZA. Vancouver.

Black Mass

A- Scott Cooper tells the story of Boston’s most notorious criminal, James “Whitey” Bulger (Johnny Depp) and the deal he made with the FBI’s John Connolly (Joel Edgerton) that ensured he could do whatever he wanted for decades. R. JAMES HELMSWORTH. Laurelhurst.

TWO OF EIGHT: Kurt Russell and Samuel L. Jackson have a meet-cute.

Spaghetti Ford THE HATEFUL EIGHT TAKES TARANTINO TO THE SNOWY WILDS OF WYOMING.

BY Ma Rtin cizM a R

mcizmar@wweek.com

Like the greatest auteurs, Quentin Tarantino is a man with certain obsessions. And like the great auteurs who’re recognized young, he’s been given license to pursue his stylistic proclivities to the brink of self-parody. I say that by way of warning to those who’ve heard the Oscar buzz around his new mystery Western, The Hateful Eight.

The Hateful Eight is a lot of very good things. It’s a spectacular bit of storytelling set against 70 millimeters of Wyoming grandeur, yet neat enough to fit together like the gears in a Swiss watch, with stellar character acting and crackling dialogue. But it’s also very much a Tarantino film. You can bring Quentin Tarantino to John Ford country, a place where teams of horses blow their hot breath against an ocean of white snow and a craggy horizon. You can give him two reels of double-wide film and an intermission.

You can give him Channing Tatum and Jennifer Jason Leigh. But he’s going to go grindhouse. So, yes, there are buckets of bright red blood spilled on bright white shirts, copious use of the most offensive English-language word beginning with N and a bloody Mexican standoff.

Bridge of Spies

B- Steven Spielberg was born to convey

viewers through weird and wonderful alternate realities. Even though history is nearly as illusory as a dinosaur theme park, the director’s gift just doesn’t shine as brightly when he contends with humanity’s past. Bridge of Spies, starring Tom Hanks as an insurance lawyer recruited by the U.S. government to negotiate a spy-for-spy trade with the Soviet Union, benefits from a caustic screenplay by the Coen brothers. While Spielberg is pretty good even when he’s on auto-pilot, there is little here that doesn’t feel perfunctory. PG-13. CHRIS STAMM. Lake Theater, Living Room Theaters.

Brooklyn

A- Based on the title alone, you’d

assume that Brooklyn is about a group of artists opening a boutique that sells only dog hoodies. Based on the novel

In terms of the story, we have here a Reservoir Dogs-style whack-a-mole, writ large. Kurt Russell is John “The Hangman” Ruth, a bounty hunter charged with bringing the mysterious Daisy Domergue (Leigh) into Red Rock, Wyo., to hang.

Unlike his brothers in the craft, he feels an obligation to see his prisoners hang instead of shooting ’em in the back. And so he boards a stagecoach running just ahead of a blizzard, which comes across snowbound and desperate Samuel L. Jackson and Walton Goggins. They’re eventually trapped inside a country inn with four lodgers, some of whom may be working in concert with the prisoner.

It’s a great setup, and Tarantino plays the string out perfectly. I saw the 187-minute roadshow version in 35 mm—available in 70 mm at Hollywood Theatre, one of 100 such theaters in the country—but it still didn’t feel bloated. The long and plentiful monologues are sharp, backstories emerge in a natural way, and the twists are unexpected until they’re obvious.

The cartoonish level of violence in the third act will give some pause—it’s Kill Bill with fewer bodies but tighter shots—but that’s to be expected of Tarantino, a man who’s had 20 years to indulge his impulses, and who’ll hopefully have 20 more.

A- SEE IT: The Hateful Eight is rated R. It opens Friday at most Portland-area theaters and in 70 mm at the Hollywood Theatre.

by Irish author Colm Tóibín and adapted

by Nick Hornby (High Fidelty, About a Boy), Brooklyn is just the sweetest thing. Saoirse Ronan (Atonement) makes an adorable couple with Emory Cohen (Smash), and I could watch them court for hours, especially their awkward dinners with Cohen’s Italian family. PG13. ALEX FALCONE. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, CineMagic, Cinema 21, Bridgeport.

Chi-Raq

B+ If you’re a fan of modern interpretations of classic Greek drama or showmanship in the style of Baz Luhrman, then this is the Spike Lee joint you’ve been waiting for. Based on Aristophanes’ comedy Lysistrata, Lee tells the tale of an indomitable heroine rallying women from both sides of the Peloponnesian War to withhold sex in order to force the armies to negotiate peace. Through the lens of modern, vibrant, Spike Lee-styled Chicago, the classic takes on a gritty

texture. In an unsuccessful homage to its Grecian roots, much of Chi-Raq’s dialogue rhymes, resembling a draft of “Dr. Seuss Goes to Englewood.” R. LAUREN TERRY. Cinema 21.

Creed

A- Creed—the seventh movie in the Rocky franchise—is more like the original Rocky than its sequels because it’s mostly good, but also because it’s almost entirely the same movie as Rocky. It feels more like an apology for the mediocre Rocky movies we’ve endured, more like a series reboot than a sequel, featuring a stronger young actor in Michael B. Jordan. PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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MOVIES B+ “It’s not a ghost story. It’s a story with ghosts in it,” a film in which the things that go bump in the night are not nearly as terrifying as the people who walk the earth. R. AP KRYZA. Academy, Kennedy School, Laurelhurst, Valley.

The Danish Girl

A In director Tom Hooper’s first film since

Les Miserables, Eddie Redmayne plays Einar Wegener, one of the first people to undergo gender reassignment surgery, in the story from David Ebershoff’s novel of the same name. Wegener and his wife, Gerda (Alicia Vikander), a fellow artist and his best friend, make the perfect, hip art couple of 1920s Copenhagen. But the camera immediately drops hints of Einar’s internal conflict, pausing to catch him ogle Gerda’s rouge and face powder. When he stands in for one of Gerda’s models for a painting, Einar dons the name “Lili,” quivering with electricity at the touch of stockings on his skin and exuding Old World femininity with every flick of his eyelashes.

When confronted with his male body, the pain in his face is nothing short of torture.

As Einar sheds his masculine shell for longer periods, Lili becomes more than a game of dress-up between him and Gerda, and Hooper’s film drives it home as they prepare to say goodbye to the man who was Einar. R. LAUREN TERRY. Fox Tower.

Everest

B+ In 1996, a stranded group of climbers met a massive storm at the top of the world. Led by New Zealand mountaineer Rob Hall (Jason Clarke), the team included writer Jon Krakauer (Michael Kelly), who later wrote the book Into Thin Air about the experience. PG-13.

LAUREN TERRY. Academy, Laurelhurst, Vancouver, Valley.

The Good Dinosaur

B- Set among the breathtaking landscapes of the American frontier, The Good Dinosaur is a Little House on the Prairiestyle rendering of pioneer life, except, of course, all the characters are talking dinosaurs living in an alternate reality where a certain fateful asteroid never made impact. PG. PENELOPE BASS. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Cornelius, Forest Theatre, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Sandy.

Goosebumps

A- It’s easy to be skeptical about a 2015 Goosebumps film in 3-D. Jack Black plays R.L. Stine, who joins forces with a couple of cute kids to fight every monster he’s ever written about and save the town.

PG. ALEX FALCONE. Avalon, Mt. Hood, Vancouver.

Heart of a Dog

A Her late husband, Lou Reed, and a rat terrier named Lolobelle are at the heart of artist Laurie Anderson’s new feverdream film, her first feature to hit the big screen since Home of the Brave nearly 30 years ago. It’s a meditation on death and memory, told through home movies Anderson shot and narrates. NR. AMY WOLFE. Cinema 21.

Hitchcock/Truffaut

B- This documentary is more about a nonfiction book than anything else. When the French filmmaker François Truffaut wrote to Alfred Hitchcock, he didn’t expect a response. But he got one, and an interview, and the series of recorded sessions that followed both bonded the men in a close friendship and mined details that Hitchcock never told anyone else. NR. ENID SPITZ. Cinema 21, Kiggins Theatre.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 2

B Mockingjay Part 2, the conclusion of the Hunger Games series, looks spectacular. The burned-out shells of future mega-city the Capitol set a perfect mood, the costumes are inventive and cool, and the acting is almost too good since it results in many great actors having only a couple lines. And yet, all that solid artistic work almost, but not entirely, distracts from the fact that MJP2 is a supremely goofy movie. Set during the conclusion of the revolution started in Catching Fire, Katniss Everdeen leads a group of rebels against the Capitol, which has been booby trapped with hot oil, lasers, and an army of lizard

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people. PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Cornelius, Forest Theatre, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Pioneer Place, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Sandy.

REVIEW

COURTESY OF CAROL-MOVIE.COM

Crimson Peak

In the Heart of the Sea

C While the first half of Ron Howard’s Moby Dick: The Movie is a marvelous, swashbuckling adventure about the Essex as it leaves Nantucket, crewed by the handsome but mealy-mouthed Chris Hemsworth and the newest SpiderMan (finally, a new Spider-Man!), Tom Holland, its second half is just a group of shipwrecked men slowly starving to death. It’s boring. Even when they start eating each other. PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Sandy, St. Johns Theater.

Inside Out

A- It’s sad. Crushingly, relentlessly sad. And absolutely brilliant. PG. ALEX FALCONE. Valley.

The Intern

B+ Ben (Robert De Niro), an active widower and retiree in need of something to keep himself busy, applies to a senior internship program at “About the Fit,” a Topshop-like online clothing site founded by the dedicated Jules Ostin (Anne Hathaway). It’s a refreshingly modern concept, serving as a reminder that the timeless art of being a gentleman begins with respect. PG-13. LAUREN TERRY. Academy, Laurelhurst, Mt. Hood, Vancouver, Valley.

Legend

B- They used to say a cup of tea could fix anything in England back in the 1960s, which is when racketeering brothers Ronnie and Reggie Kray (both played by Tom Hardy, who is hard not to enjoy) started ruling London’s criminal underworld. Unfortunately, Earl Grey can’t fix Academy Award winner Brian Helgeland’s new film. R. AMY WOLFE. Fox Tower.

The Martian

B- Take the buzz surrounding The Martian with a boulder of salt. It’s just a pretty good sci-fi yarn based on Andy Weir’s book that stumbles on its own ambition. When a massive storm hits the Martian exploration project and Watney’s team leaves him for dead, the skilled botanist realizes that the only way to avoid starvation and space madness is to “science the shit” out of his situation. PG-13. AP KRYZA. Academy, Avalon, Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Kennedy School, Laurelhurst, Mt. Hood, City Center, Division, Wilsonville, Valley.

Pan

Director Joe Wright (Atonement, Hanna) remakes the iconic children’s story as a modern-day action flick with Hugh Jackman and Rooney Mara. Screened after deadline. PG. Avalon, Vancouver.

Peggy Guggenheim: Art Addict

A In the tradition of Grey Gardens, film-

maker and fashion addict Lisa Immordino Vreeland throws viewers into the closeted, batshit world of the woman who imagined London’s first modern art museum, slept with Samuel Beckett, commissioned Jackson Pollock’s largest-ever work for her front entry, and once had an original Dalí delivered to her in bed. NR. ENID SPITZ. Living Room Theaters.

The Peanuts Movie

A bald child named Charlie battles questionable fashion choices, impossible odds and burgeoning hormones. G. Academy, Avalon, Eastport, Empirical, Kennedy School, Laurelhurst, Mt. Hood, Movies on TV, Valley.

Room

B+ In this riveting adaptation of Emma Donoghue’s novel, an abducted woman must raise her son in a confined space, R. LAUREN TERRY. Academy, Fox Tower.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

Far From Heaven Todd Haynes reinvents love in Carol.

Carol is a film of unforgettable snapshots. Like a long-gone grandparent, Portland director Todd Haynes’ newest feature is an experience you remember mostly by token images—Cate Blanchett’s lacquered nails, Rooney Mara developing film in her shabby apartment kitchen, Blanchett’s lipstick stains on Mara’s nipples.

A romance between a young salesgirl and older housewife set against the picture-book 1950s, Carol in many ways echoes Haynes’ Oscar-nominated Far From Heaven. It’s an almost painfully beautiful adaptation of Patricia Highsmith’s novel, The Price of Salt, with Haynes’ signature touches—magnetic actresses and gorgeous shots of them lighting slim cigarettes. But for all its soft shots of Mara’s ingenue character, Therese, gazing through rain-speckled windows, Carol is trailblazing, too.

This is the first Haynes feature with a lesbian couple front and center, and the first he didn’t write.

“All of it was a new way ’round,” he says. It’s largely a women’s project, fueled by a script that took screenwriter Phyllis Nagy 15 years to create, two female leads you can’t look away from, and the scene-stealing costuming of Sandy Powell, who is also responsible for telling Haynes about the project when it was still a dream in producer Elizabeth Karlsen’s head.

“Karlsen brought [the project] to me with Cate’s name already attached,” Haynes says. “But I hadn’t read the book—to the horror of my lesbian friends— so, I went to the Oregon Coast with the book and screenplay.” After one read, he dove in.

“I’ve never taken this on as a filmmaker before Carol—the love story as a predicament,” he says.

In true Haynes form, this predicament is a gorgeous one. Mara and Blanchett (who Haynes calls “an incredibly stunning woman with a real nose”) can say more with their fingertips and eyelashes than their words.

Framed to channel Vivian Maier’s midcentury photography of Chicago, the film shows romance as tea sandwiches, abusive husbands and Lindy hops in equal measure. And it’s a nostalgic ride: “We filmed on 60 mm because it keeps that authentic, grainy content,” Haynes says. The film’s many scenes shot through store windows, car windows, rain-speckled

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS?: Rooney Mara and Cate Blanchett.

windows, hotel widows—are an homage to female artists—like Ruth Orkin, Esther Bubley and Helen Levitt—more than Highsmith. “Maier was an inspiration for Therese being a photographer, which isn’t in the novel,” Haynes explains. “The first window is a lens. That’s the first act of looking in.”

A sense of voyeurism does color the film. We sit in on the couple’s first date—creamed spinach over eggs and two dry martinis in a mahogany booth. We watch Carol watch Therese, playing jazz on Carol’s grand piano, in an intimate moment when the older woman slips off her pumps to pad around in nylons, seeming naked.

This isn’t the anonymous peeping of cinema, though, says Haynes; you are inside the women’s heads. “It’s not as if we’re outside peering in. We’re in the perspective of the more vulnerable of the two at the time,” he says. “She is the locus of the point of view, anchoring it and looking at the other.”

The real-life Thereses and Carols of the 1950s were invisible. “They were living in the pre-Stonewall reality, when lesbianism was unseen,” he says.

Until now, gay love in Haynes’ films has been central to plot but mostly offscreen, like in Far From Heaven, one part of a gender-bending onslaught, like in I’m Not There and Velvet Goldmine.

“I like that [Carol is] a gay love story, of course I do!”

Haynes says. “It imbues the story with something radical because we haven’t seen it before.”

Though the film will be released on Christmas Day in Portland, along with blockbusters, and features red-carpet names (Carrie Brownstein gets five minutes onscreen), it feels personal enough to prod you behind the sternum.

For the final scene, Haynes decided to film completely by hand—no dolly or track. “There’s nothing like that in the rest of the film,” he says. In closing, Haynes transplants our eyes into Therese’s head and stares straight into Carol’s. But Carol seduced you already, two hours back.

“We are inventing cinematic language for [gay love stories] as we go,” he says. “It’s a thrilling unknown, and that is how it feels to fall in love—like you’re inventing it. But in this specific context, it’s true.” ENID SPITZ. A SEE IT: Carol is rated R. It opens Friday at Fox Tower.

Sicario

A How do you like your tension?

Relentless? Then you’re in luck, my friend, because Sicario is like a broken elevator; it never lets up. OK, that joke doesn’t work, but the crime thriller starring Emily Blunt (The Devil Wears Prada) does. She’s a talented FBI agent specially recruited into a task force fighting a brutal (and questionably legal) war against Mexican drug cartels. She spends the whole movie confused and on edge while taking orders from the mysterious Benicio Del Toro (Snatch), who manages to act without ever fully opening his eyes or mouth. As the real mission of the task force slowly takes shape, so do beautiful sweeping helicopter shots of the border zone and heartbreaking vignettes of all the people affected by drug war. It’s a powerful film even if you never have anybody to root for. R. ALEX FALCONE. Academy, Laurelhurst, Vancouver.

Sisters

C+ As Gen X plunges into the Big Four-O with all the grace of an arthritic Tommy Lee flailing about his gyroscopic drum riser, they’ve released a slew of movies about the bummers of aging: You’ve got your Grown-Ups, your Hot Tub Time Machines, your Star Wars (I assume that’s what Chewie’s arc will be about), etc. This year, America’s preeminent comedic minds, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, take a crack at it as the titular sisters. Poehler is Maura, a peppy do-gooder nurse, recently divorced. Fey is Kate, a single mom surfing couches after being fired from a hair salon. When their parents call to tell them they’re selling their childhood home and they need to come get their stuff, they (of course) come up with another plan: throw one last rager in the house (of course).

For the most part, it’s a straight-up party comedy, replete with the requisite tropes: a guy (current SNL cast member Bobby Moynihan ) taking too many drugs, an unwanted crasher (ex-SNL cast member Maya Rudolph), a vaguely racist subplot featuring a Korean nail stylist, and an extended rectal trauma sequence featuring MADtv alum Ike Barinholtz. There are plenty of funny bits—Poehler wearing her childhood retainer, Moynihan painting a wall with his Moynihan— but given the preponderance of truly innovative comedians, Sisters is disappointingly standard. R. JAMES HELMSWORTH. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Sandy.

Spectre

Spotlight

A- Spotlight inverts the usual comparison: It’s a movie that feels like prestige television. Specifically, it feels like The Wire. An Oscar favorite recounting how a Boston Globe investigative team uncovered an epidemic of pederast priests abetted by the Archdiocese, Spotlight borrows the rhythms of a propulsive TV procedural. It resists the temptation for self-congratulation. Instead, there’s a pall of communal guilt (much of it Catholic), an acknowledgement that a Pulitzer Prize won’t erase decades of conniving at rape. R. AARON MESH. Cedar Hills, Clackamas, Hollywood, Bridgeport, Fox Tower.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens

A- If there’s one thing we know about Star Wars fans, it’s that they’re as resistant to change as any religious zealot. And so, the best thing that can be said about The Force Awakens is that it’s classicist in the way of a well-executed neosoul record, crackling with familiarity without bowing to the altar of history. It’s almost old-fashioned.

There’s no Dark Knight-style brooding, no ring-a-ding-ding dialogue a la The Avengers or Guardians of the Galaxy. The action is fairly nonstop, but not shot up with meth and Red Bull like Mad Max: Fury Road. The story here is pretty simple: Some guys in helmets are threatening peace in the galaxy, and it’s up to, well, you-know-who to stop them.

Yes, the line “Chewie, we’re home” will cause 30-somethings to clutch their limited-edition wookiee action figures to their chests, but the nostalgia filters to the film’s edges.

This is the first installment of a new trilogy, which means developing new heroes and villains for a generation that doesn’t know Dooku from Lando. And that’s mostly the feeling you’ll have leaving the theater—that all you’ve really seen is the first third of a series that’s going to take the next half-decade to climax. All you can ask of director J.J. Abrams is that he leave you in anticipation. It’d be difficult for even the most hardcore Star Wars

evangelical to argue that he hasn’t.

PG-13. MATTHEW SINGER. Bagdad, Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Mill Plain, Cornelius, Edgefield, Lake Theater, Milwaukie, Moreland, Oak Grove, Cinema 99, Bridgeport, City Center, Division, Evergreen, Hilltop, Lloyd Center, Movies on TV, Pioneer Place, Sherwood, Tigard, Wilsonville, Roseway, Sandy, St. Johns Cinemas.

Trainwreck

C Save your time, save your money, and most importantly, save your little heart from breaking. R. ALEX FALCONE. Laurelhurst.

Trumbo

C+ Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) is cooking up something other than meth in Trumbo. Cranston delivers a stellar performance as Dalton Trumbo, a rebellious screenwriter who despite being the highest-paid in the business in 1947, can’t stay out of trouble. He and nine other artists are blacklisted and jailed for refusing to testify before the House Un-American Activities Committee while conniving gossip columnist Hedda Hopper (Helen Mirren) fuels the media fire.

This may be all the right ingredients, but just a bad batch. R. AMY WOLFE. Hollywood, Fox Tower.

The Visit

B- M. Night Shyamalamadingdong has lost the luster of his early career, so it’s no surprise he’s making little $5 million found-footage horror movies. PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Vancouver.

Youth

C IItalian filmmaker and Oscar winner Paolo Sorrentino’s exploration of aging, starring Michael Caine and Harvey Keitel as two graying artists, feels artistically important. Almost too much so. Despite coming from a well-respected filmmaker working with an all-star cast, it ends up feeling like too much beautiful, existential pondering without enough teeth. As Caine and Keitel sit around talking about the past and how much they piss, which doesn’t sound cute or important, even from Michael Caine. Then they make profound pronouncements: “You say emotions don’t matter. Emotions are all we have.” Then a naked person or a cow walks by, and it might mean something. A lot of stuff might—like, why does Caine’s daughter make out with the ugly mountaineer? Why is Paul Dano dressed like Hitler? After a masseuse gives Caine a hand job, why do we watch her play Dance Dance Revolution? Like, eight times?

PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Fox Tower.

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C+ The 26th Bond film—has it all, and more. The one thing it doesn’t have is the ability to leave a lasting impression. We walk out of the theater neither shaken nor stirred.

Following the impressive Skyfall, director Sam Mendes returns to the director’s chair. Buildings crumble, helicopters do barrel rolls, and

Daniel Craig nonchalantly causes millions in property damage. But from the minute Sam Smith’s grating theme music starts, the movie slides downhill. Most disappointing is Christoph Waltz—so perfect in Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained—who just sneers, cackles and hunches. Sure, there’s fun to be had—Bond drives a trickedout ride through Rome’s narrow streets and engages in an Alpine plane chase before the anticlimactic conclusion (extremely uncommon for the series) lands with a dull thud. Considering everybody who’s involved in Spectre, the very last reaction anybody expected was “meh.” PG-13. AP KRYZA. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Clackamas, Cornelius, Mt. Hood, Bridgeport, Division, Evergreen, Fox Tower, Movies on TV, Sherwood, Tigard.

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (XD-3D) (PG-13) 12:20PM 3:40PM 7:00PM 10:20PM Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (3D) (PG13) 9:55AM 9:55AM ® 11:05AM 1:15PM 1:15PM ® 2:25PM 4:35PM 4:35PM ® 5:45PM 8:00PM 8:00PM ® 9:05PM Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (PG-13) 10:30AM 11:40AM 1:50PM 3:00PM 5:10PM 6:20PM 8:30PM 9:40PM Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (PG-13) 11:40AM ® 3:00PM ® 6:20PM ® 9:40PM ® Point Break (2015) (3D) (PG-13) 10:15AM 4:45PM 10:15PM Point Break (2015) (PG-13) 1:15PM 7:20PM Night Before, The (R) 2:35PM 5:15PM 7:55PM 10:40PM Sisters (R) 10:40AM 12:10PM 1:40PM 3:10PM 4:40PM 6:10PM 7:40PM 9:15PM 10:40PM Spectre (PG-13) 11:00AM Joy (PG-13) 10:10AM 11:50AM 1:20PM 2:50PM 4:25PM 5:55PM 7:25PM 8:55PM 10:25PM

Big Short, The (R) 10:05AM 1:10PM 4:20PM 7:30PM 10:40PM Concussion (PG-13) 10:35AM 12:05PM 1:35PM 3:05PM 4:35PM 6:05PM 7:35PM 9:10PM 10:35PM Krampus (PG-13) 10:00PM Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (PG) 9:55AM 11:00AM 12:25PM 1:30PM 2:55PM 5:30PM 7:15PM 8:00PM 10:30PM Creed (PG-13) 4:00PM Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The (PG-13) 12:30PM 3:45PM 7:05PM 10:25PM In The Heart Of The Sea (PG-13) 9:50PM Daddy’s Home (PG-13) 10:20AM 11:45AM 1:05PM 2:30PM 3:50PM 5:05PM 6:30PM 7:50PM 9:20PM 10:35PM Good Dinosaur, The (PG) 11:10AM 1:55PM 4:30PM 7:10PM

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (3D) (PG-13) 10:20AM 1:00PM 2:20PM 3:40PM 5:00PM 7:40PM 10:20PM 11:00PM Joy (PG-13) 10:00AM 1:00PM 4:00PM 7:00PM 10:00PM Passanga 2 (AIM Distribution) (NR) 2:45PM 6:00PM 9:15PM Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (PG-13) 9:40AM 11:00AM 12:20PM 1:40PM 4:20PM 5:40PM 7:00PM 8:20PM 9:00PM Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The (PG-13) 9:45AM 1:10PM 4:20PM Point Break (2015) (3D) (PG-13) 11:00AM 10:10PM Soukyam (Absolute Telugu) (NR) 9:00PM Point Break (2015) (PG-13) 1:45PM 4:15PM 7:15PM

Sisters (R) 10:30AM 1:30PM 4:30PM 7:40PM 10:30PM Bajirao Mastani (Eros International) (NR) 2:10PM 9:30PM Big Short, The (R) 10:30AM 1:30PM 4:30PM 7:30PM 10:30PM Good Dinosaur, The (PG) 10:00AM 12:40PM 3:10PM Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (PG) 10:00AM 12:25PM 2:50PM 5:15PM 7:40PM 10:05PM Brooklyn (PG-13) 5:40PM 8:25PM Daddy’s Home (PG-13) 10:00AM 11:15AM 12:30PM 1:45PM 3:00PM 4:15PM 5:30PM 6:45PM 8:00PM 9:15PM 10:30PM Dilwale (UTV Communications) (NR) 10:40AM 6:00PM Concussion (PG-13) 10:30AM 1:30PM 4:30PM 7:30PM 10:30PM Creed (PG-13) 11:10AM

Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (3D)

Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The (PG-13) 12:10PM 3:35PM 6:50PM 10:15PM Big Short, The (R) 10:00AM 1:10PM 4:20PM 7:30PM 10:40PM Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (PG) 11:50AM 2:20PM 4:50PM 7:15PM 9:45PM Joy (PG-13) 10:15AM 11:20AM 1:15PM 2:35PM 4:25PM 5:45PM 7:30PM 8:50PM 10:35PM Concussion (PG-13) 9:40AM 12:50PM 4:00PM 7:10PM 10:20PM Good Dinosaur, The (PG) 11:10AM 1:45PM 4:40PM Daddy’s Home (PG-13) 9:45AM 11:00AM 12:25PM 1:50PM 3:05PM 4:35PM 5:50PM 7:20PM 8:30PM 10:05PM 11:00PM Creed (PG-13) 7:25PM 10:30PM

(PG-13) 9:50AM 11:30AM 1:10PM 2:50PM 4:30PM 6:10PM 7:50PM 9:30PM 11:00PM Point Break (2015) (3D) (PG-13) 10:30AM 4:15PM 10:10PM Krampus (PG-13) 1:15PM 7:15PM Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens (PG-13) 10:40AM 12:20PM 2:00PM 3:40PM 5:20PM 7:00PM 8:40PM 10:20PM Point Break (2015) (PG-13) 1:25PM 7:10PM Spectre (PG-13) 9:55AM 3:50PM 9:50PM Sisters (R) 11:05AM 1:55PM 4:45PM 7:40PM 10:50PM

FRIDAY

THE BIG SHORT

WWEEKDOTCOM WWEEKDOTCOM WWEEKDOTCOM WWEEKDOTCOM Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

49

MOVIES RICK VODICKA

AP FILM STUDIES

Point Broken DID FANS LIKE ME RUIN THE RUSH OF POINT BREAK?

BY A P KRYZA

apkryza@wweek.com

“Oh my God…you haven’t see this movie? It’s the best movie ever.”

I have loved the 1991 film Point Break unironically since 1992, when I squirreled myself away with a copy on VHS and risked being grounded to behold the wonders of Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze skydiving, surfing, robbing banks, swearing, and spouting Zen philosophy.

It’s a film that packs everything you could ever want into one adrenaline-fueled saga. It’s also the crest of the wave in an era of action cinema, the logical climax of a decade of increasingly bombastic buddy-cop entertainment.

When the remake was announced, I was understandably heated. Is not Point Break extreme enough? Was it not already remade as The Fast and the Furious?

Would my distaste for the very idea of updating Point Break 25 years after Bodhi rode off into the 50-year storm prevent me from enjoying the newcomer for just what it is?

So, I devised a plan. I would attend the press screening of the remake with a trusted film analyst who had never seen the original, former Willamette Week screen editor Rebecca Jacobson. She had, however, endured more than a year of weekly Point Break references in my stories and my constant cries of: “You have to see this movie. It’s the best movie ever.” Then I’d get her opinion of the remake, have her watch the original and discuss. Bada-bing.

But while our cinephile talk scintillated—spanning the two films’ drastically different approaches to extreme sports, their larger statements on machismo and adrenaline addiction, their central male romances and many other themes that seem silly when you’re talking about movies centered on Zen-surfing bank robbers—we’re under embargo not to disclose our final verdict on the remake. The production company, perhaps predicting that Rebecca would call it “bloated” or that I’d be heard uttering, “Fuck this fucking shit,” is requiring that all reviews be held until opening day. We can say that we talked about its feminist undertones, subtle sociopolitical message, and that Rebecca said, “I don’t know if it knows what kind of point it’s trying to make, but it’s very overt that it’s trying to make some sort of point.”

50

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

But then something shocking occurred to me. Maybe the point is this: I’ve been talking up the greatness of this movie to Rebecca—who was understandably underwhelmed when it was first released because she was 3 years old—so much, that I’d probably ruined it for her.

“I thought it would be a little stronger,” she said, “especially the homoerotic stuff.“ I was angry. Fire-my-gun-into-the-air-whilescreaming angry. With myself.

One of the most obnoxious things all film nerds do is react with utter shock when they discover a friend hasn’t seen their favorite movie. If you haven’t seen Star Wars, you’ll be rushed to the nearest TV by some dude with a burst artery. If you haven’t sat through the first two Godfathers, consider your Friday night booked. And just like Johnny Utah couldn’t help but be seduced by the nonstop adrenaline rush of Bodhi, I was seduced by favorite-movie evangelism.

Like all film nerds, my attachment was based on my introduction to the film— the rush of seeing an R-rated film I was forbidden from watching. The icing on this adrenaline-infused cake is the joy of applying film theory to something so largely dismissed and the unchecked elation of exposing people to it in the hopes that they, too, would see the light. For those friends or readers ruined by my overzealous love—I’m truly sorry. Watch Point Break. But watch it through your own lens.

“Maybe I need to rewatch it,” said a friend of mine as we walked out of the movie shop.

“You should. I mean, it’s the best fucking movie ever made.”

SEE IT: Point Break (2015) is rated PG-13. It opens Friday at most Portland-area theaters.

ALSO SHOWING: The Clinton has one of Portland’s finest holiday traditions: resurrecting The Big Lebowski, serving up “rice Russians” and encouraging pajamas. That, friends, is how holiday memories are made. And sometimes lost.

Clinton Street Theater. 7:30 pm Wednesday-Sunday, Dec. 23-27.

Join Bill Murray in sending the holidays off with a little love and a lot of nut shots in Scrooged. Kennedy School. Dec. 25-27.

Now that you’ve probably revisited one Han Solo, it’s time to go back and get reacquainted with Indiana Jones in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Academy Theater. Dec. 25-31.

The Robin Williams urban-jungle fantasy Jumanji still holds up after 20 years. But not 21. Which is why we’re getting a remake next year. Mission Theater.

Dec. 26-30.

Regal Lloyd Center 10 & IMAX

1510 NE Multnomah St. STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS -- AN IMAX 3D EXPERIENCE Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 10:00, 1:20, 4:40, 8:00, 11:20 ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP Wed-Thu 9:10, 11:40, 2:15, 4:50, 7:20 TCM PRESENTS MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET Wed 2:00 SISTERS Wed-Thu 9:40, 12:40, 3:50, 6:50 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 3:50, 7:10 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS 3D Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:30, 10:30 IN THE HEART OF THE SEA Wed-Thu 12:10, 6:20 IN THE HEART OF THE SEA 3D Wed -Thu 3:10 THE BIG SHORT Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun 12:00, 3:10, 6:50, 10:00 DADDY’S HOME ThuFri-Sat-Sun 11:35, 2:25, 5:05, 7:40, 10:20 KRAMPUS Thu 11:30, 2:10 THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY, PART 2 Thu 12:00, 3:30, 7:10 CONCUSSION Fri-Sat-Sun 11:45, 3:00, 6:30, 9:35 JOY Fri-Sat-Sun 12:20, 3:30, 7:00, 10:05 POINT BREAK Fri-SatSun 2:00, 7:50 POINT BREAK 3D Fri-Sat-Sun 11:10, 4:55

Regal Division Street Stadium 13

16603 SE Division St. ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP Wed Thu 10:50, 1:40, 4:30, 7:00 SISTERS Wed-Thu 10:40, 1:30, 4:20, 7:20 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 10:00, 3:50, 7:10, 10:00 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS 3D Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 12:00, 12:30, 1:20, 3:20, 4:40, 6:40, 8:00, 10:30 IN THE HEART OF THE SEA Wed Thu 10:20, 4:10, 7:05 IN THE HEART OF THE SEA 3D Wed Thu 1:10 KRAMPUS Wed -Thu 10:35, 1:25, 5:00, 7:40 CREED Wed-Thu 10:05, 1:00, 3:55, 6:50 THE GOOD DINOSAUR Wed-Thu 10:30, 1:05, 4:50, 7:25 SPECTRE Wed-Thu 10:10, 2:00, 5:30 THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY, PART 2 Wed-Thu 10:15, 1:15, 4:15, 7:15 THE NIGHT BEFORE Wed-Thu 10:25, 12:50, 4:35, 7:30 THE MARTIAN Wed -Thu 10:45 DADDY’S HOME Thu-Fri 12:05, 2:35, 5:05, 7:40, 10:15 CONCUSSION Fri 12:20, 3:30, 6:45, 9:45 JOY Fri 12:40, 3:40, 7:00, 10:10

Avalon Theatre & Wunderland

3451 SE Belmont St., 503-238-1617 GOOSEBUMPS Wed 5:00, 8:50 PAN Wed-Thu 12:10 HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2 Wed-Thu 1:20, 3:10 MAZE RUNNER: THE SCORCH TRIALS Wed -Thu 2:30

Bagdad Theater

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:30, 3:00, 7:00, 10:45

Cinema 21

616 NW 21st Ave., 503-223-4515 BROOKLYN Wed-Thu-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 1:30, 4:15, 6:45, 9:00 CHI-RAQ Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 3:45, 8:15 HEART OF A DOG Wed-Thu 6:15 HITCHCOCK/TRUFFAUT Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 1:45, 6:30 JANIS: LITTLE GIRL BLUE Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 2:00, 4:30, 7:00, 9:15 THE ROOM Sat 10:45

Clinton Street Theater

2522 SE Clinton St., 503-238-8899 THE AMAZING BUBBLE MAN Wed-Thu 11:00, 2:00 THE BIG LEBOWSKI Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun 7:30 MYSTERY MOVIE Thu 12:00 THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW Sat 12:00 YOUNG LAKOTA Mon 7:00 NO FILMS SHOWING TODAY Tue

Laurelhurst Theatre & Pub

2735 E Burnside St., 503-232-5511 ELF Wed 9:40 CRIMSON PEAK Wed-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 4:15, 7:00 TRAINWRECK Wed 6:45 MERU Wed-SatSun-Mon-Tue 7:15 SICARIO Wed-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 4:00, 9:20 THE INTERN Wed-SatSun-Mon-Tue 6:30 EVEREST Wed 6:30 BLACK MASS Wed 9:00 NO FILMS SHOWING TODAY Thu-Fri TRADING PLACES Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 9:30 THE MARTIAN Sat-SunMon-Tue 3:45, 6:45, 9:00 THE NIGHT BEFORE Sat-SunMon-Tue 9:45 THE PEANUTS MOVIE Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 4:30 HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2 Sat-Sun 1:45

Mission Theater and Pub

CineMagic Theatre

2021 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-231-7919 BROOKLYN Wed-Thu 4:40 JOY Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 4:25, 7:00, 9:35

Kiggins Theatre

1011 Main St., 360-816-0352 WHITE CHRISTMAS Wed -Thu 7:30 IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE Wed 7:30 CASABLANCA Fri-Sat-SunMon-Tue 5:30 HITCHCOCK/ TRUFFAUT Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 7:45

Regal City Center Stadium 12

801 C St. ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP Wed Thu 12:20, 2:45, 5:25, 7:45 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 3:50, 7:10, 10:00 SISTERS Wed-Thu 10:10, 1:15, 4:30, 7:20 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS 3D Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 12:00, 12:30, 3:20, 6:40, 10:30 IN THE HEART OF THE SEA Wed -Thu 3:05 IN THE HEART OF THE SEA 3D Wed-Thu 12:10, 6:10 THE BIG SHORT Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-SunMon-Tue 12:25, 3:30, 6:35, 9:40 KRAMPUS Wed -Thu 11:40, 2:30, 5:45, 8:20 CREED Wed-Thu 11:00, 2:15, 5:35, 8:40 THE GOOD DINOSAUR Wed-Thu 10:45, 1:30, 4:20, 6:55 THE HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY, PART 2 Wed Thu 12:45, 4:00 THE MARTIAN Wed-Thu 10:30, 1:45, 8:15 DADDY’S HOME Thu-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 12:15, 2:45, 5:15, 7:45, 10:10 CONCUSSION Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 1:00, 4:00, 7:00, 10:05 JOY Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 12:45, 3:45, 6:50, 9:50 POINT BREAK Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 12:35, 6:10 POINT BREAK 3D Fri-Sat-Sun-MonTue 3:25, 9:00

Kennedy School Theater

1624 NW Glisan St. A CHRISTMAS STORY Wed -Thu 5:30 IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE Wed-Thu 2:30 JUMANJI Sat-Sun-MonTue 4:45 GOODFELLAS SatSun 5:00

5736 NE 33rd Ave., 503-249-7474 NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION Wed-Thu 12:00, 10:15 HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2 Wed-Thu 5:15 CRIMSON PEAK Wed Thu 2:15, 7:40

St. Johns Cinemas

Hollywood Theatre

8704 N Lombard St., 503-286-1768 STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Wed-Thu-FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 3:50, 5:00, 7:00, 7:55, 10:05

4122 NE Sandy Blvd., 503-281-4215 SPOTLIGHT Wed-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 2:30, 6:30, 9:05 TRUMBO Wed 6:45, 9:20 CHRISTMAS IN SPACE Wed 7:30 THE HATEFUL EIGHT Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 10:00, 2:00, 6:00, 10:30 JOY Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 1:30, 7:00, 9:30

846 SW Park Ave. SISTERS Wed-Thu 12:50, 3:45, 7:15 IN THE HEART OF THE SEA Wed-Thu 12:20, 6:50 IN THE HEART OF THE SEA 3D Wed -Thu 3:40 YOUTH Wed-Thu 12:15, 3:20, 6:45 THE DANISH GIRL Wed-Thu 12:40, 4:00, 7:00 CREED Wed -Thu 12:00, 3:00, 6:15 LEGEND Wed -Thu 3:30 THE NIGHT BEFORE Wed-Thu 12:10, 4:30, 7:20 SPECTRE Wed-Thu 12:45, 2:45 SPOTLIGHT Wed -Thu 1:00, 4:20, 7:10 TRUMBO Wed Thu 12:00, 3:10, 6:30 ROOM Wed-Thu 12:30, 6:40 CAROL Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 11:00, 1:40, 4:30, 7:20, 10:00 CONCUSSION Fri-Sat-SunMon-Tue 10:15, 1:00, 4:00, 7:00, 9:45 JOY Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 10:30, 1:20, 4:20, 7:10, 10:00

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25

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26–

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BEER WINE PIZZA 4 SCREENS LAURELHURSTTHEATER.COM

2735 E BURNSIDE ST • (503-232-5511) • LAURELHURSTTHEATER.COM

St. Johns Theater

8203 N Ivanhoe St., 503-249-7474-6 IN THE HEART OF THE SEA Wed-Thu 12:00, 3:30

Academy Theater

7818 SE Stark St., 503-252-0500 CRIMSON PEAK Wed -Thu 4:45 SICARIO Wed-Thu 2:20 EVEREST Wed-Thu 11:40 HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2 Wed-Thu 12:30, 2:30, 5:00 THE INTERN Wed -Thu 2:10 HOME ALONE Wed-Thu 12:05, 4:30

Valley Theater

9360 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway, 503-296-6843 THE INTERN Wed-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 6:35 CRIMSON PEAK Wed-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 9:30 EVEREST Wed-Sat-SunMon-Tue 9:00 MAZE RUNNER: THE SCORCH TRIALS Wed Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 6:50 NO FILMS SHOWING TODAY Thu THE MARTIAN Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 3:25, 6:20, 9:15 THE PEANUTS MOVIE FriSat-Sun-Mon-Tue 4:40 INSIDE OUT Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 4:25 02H.Account.rep.3XXX/XX.XX.XX/initials HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2 SatSun 1:25

Living Room Theaters

341 SW 10th Ave., 971-222-2010 BRIDGE OF SPIES Wed-ThuFri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 1:00, 4:00, 6:50, 9:35 MACBETH Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:00, 2:30, 4:10, 6:40, 9:10 MUSTANG Wed-Thu-Fri-SatSun-Mon-Tue 11:45, 1:45, 3:50, 7:15, 9:25 THE BIG SHORT Wed-Thu-Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon-Tue 12:15, 1:30, 3:30, 4:20, 6:30, 7:00, 9:15, 9:45

SUBJECT TO CHANGE. CALL THEATERS OR VISIT WWEEK.COM/MOVIETIMES FOR THE MOST UP-TO-DATE INFORMATION FRIDAY-THURSDAY, DEC. 25-31, UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED

CO U R T E SY O F PA R A M O U N T P I C T U R E S

3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-249-7474

Regal Fox Tower Stadium 10

WHAT THE DICKENS?: Scrooged screens Dec. 25-27 at the Kennedy School.

May the force be with you this holiday seasoN Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

51

MR. PEEPS ADULT SUPERSTORES

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A coming of age surf adventure Available now at Powell’s Books and Online at Amazon.com Pier Rats: A Novel on FB

Last-Minute Gifts for Stoners

BY WM. WILLA R D GR EEN E

Thanks to quirks in the Gregorian calendar, this year’s installment of my annual Last-Minute Gift Guide for Stoners actually offers ample time for shopping. Two whole days, in fact! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Draplin Design Co. Pill Box ($3.99) at DDC Pop-Up Shop Prolific Midwestern émigré Aaron Draplin is most widely renowned for building a mini-empire on the stapled backs of Field Notes. More recently, he’s become the designer du jour of the proletariat, churning out an entire pop-up’s worth of posters, prints and items both contemporary and nostalgic. The Pill Box, for instance, is a little plastic disc that flips open to store a good gram or so of bud or ibuprofen.

A gram of cannabis

($8-$12) Just go to the store, buy some, then jam it in your pillbox!

Klhip Ultimate Clipper

Star Wars Battlefront for PS4, Xbox One and PC

($59.99) Sure, you could hit the cinema and passively partake in America’s pre-eminent post-Jar Jar-ian take on Arthurian legend with other people. Or you could slap Star Wars Battlefront into your gaming console of choice and experience semi-firsthand what it means to become chaff in the galactic gristmill.

While twitchy teen gamers are still known to pwn, Battlefront is more Goldeneye than Call of Duty, catering to thrill-seekers looking to fire blasters alongside Han Solo among redwoods on Endor more than obsessive gamers. Even if you’re bound to die over and over and over, there’s an inherent thrill in piloting A-wings directly into the ground, or scampering for cover from thermal detonators and the beady eye of a rocket-packed Boba Fett.

Journey3 Pipe ($49.99)

I picked up one of these simple, elegant innovations midsummer, and it immediately became 52

Willamette Week DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

my sole method of mobile cannabis consumption. The pipe is a tidy summation of mechanical ingenuity that alleviates nearly every headache induced by standard pipes.

The pipe disassembles in a jiff for cleaning with olive oil, and three weighty segments of polished zinc alloy link together lengthwise on a magnetic hinge. The pipe rolls open with a twist, revealing a shallow loading bowl (my one complaint), and snaps shut with an airtight seal, conserving uncombusted flower. The mouthpiece resembles a wider, more compact USB drive that never clogs.

But the Journey3’s most nifty, proprietary “filter gap technology” downshifts the smoke into a cool, easy draw devoid of burning flower.

I’m not smart enough to explain why the Journey3 works so well, it just does. It’s as though a robot craftsman traveled backward from the future, handed me the finest easy-carry apparatus ever invented, and blooped: “Here is the perfect pipe. Yes, it resembles my penis.”

($75) Has anyone else noticed fingernail clippers don’t work anymore? At worst, standard nail clippers merely mash my talons into clipper-shaped scars. At best, they leave a jagged edge that eliminates my ability to provide gentle back scratches.

Perhaps this is due to the rising cost of quality steel or a decline in competent manufacturing, or maybe three decades of toofrequent fast-food protein have mutated my keratin production.

Whatever the case, I went in search of the best fingernail clipper available, and stumbled upon the Klhip Ultimate Clipper, a newly designed nail trimmer that retails for $75. “Seventy-five bucks!? That’s bananas!” I cried at my computer screen. But that night I lay in bed, wondering what mysteries the $75 nail clipper beheld. And since I couldn’t talk anyone else into being my proverbial canary in a coal mine, I bought the Klhip Ultimate Clipper the next time I was drunk and sad.

Now, let me say right now that the Klhip Ultimate Clipper is the best nail-clipping experience I’ve ever had, with clear visibility and ease of use.

The design is utilitarian and delightfully tactile, even if lacking the standard’s classic elegance.

Function is hugely upgraded, and precision lines come easy. Is better nail clipping worth 60 extra dollars? No. But my point here is nail clippers should work like they used to.

53 54 55

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Week of December 24

ARIES (March 21-April 19) The raw materials you have at your disposal in 2016 may sometimes seem limited. You might not have access to all the tools you wish you did. You could be tempted to feel envy about the vaster resources other people can draw on. But I honestly don’t think these apparent inhibitions will put you at a disadvantage. Within your smaller range of options, there will be all the possibilities you need. In fact, the constraints could stimulate your creativity in ways that would have never occurred if you’d had more options.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) You know what physical hygiene is. But are you familiar with imaginal hygiene? Educator Morgan Brent defines it like this: “Imaginal hygiene is the inner art of self-managing the imagination, to defend it from forces that compromise, pollute, colonize, shrink, and sterilize it, and to cultivate those that illuminate, expand, and nourish it.” It’s always important for everyone to attend to this work, but it’s especially crucial for you to focus on it in 2016. You will be exceptionally creative, and therefore likely to generate long-lasting effects and influences out of the raw materials that occupy your imagination.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Your mind sometimes works too hard and fast for your own good. But mostly it’s your best asset. Your versatility can sometimes be a curse, too, but far more often it’s a blessing. Your agile tongue and flexible agenda generate more fun than trouble, and so do your smooth maneuvers and skillful gamesmanship. As wonderful as all these qualities can be, however, I suggest that you work on expanding your scope in 2016. In my astrological opinion, it will be a good time for you to study and embody the magic that the water signs possess. What would that mean exactly? Start this way: Give greater respect to your feelings. Tune in to them more, encourage them to deepen, and figure out how to trust them as sources of wisdom.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Swedish movie director Ingmar Bergman won three Academy Awards and was nominated for eight others.

Numerous filmmakers have cited him as an important influence on their work. His practical success was rooted in his devotion to the imagination. “I am living permanently in my dream, from which I make brief forays into reality,” he said. Can you guess his astrological sign? Cancer the Crab, of course! No other tribe is better suited at moving back and forth between the two worlds. At least potentially, you are virtuosos at interweaving fantasy with earthy concerns. The coming year will afford you unprecedented opportunities to further develop and use this skill.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Avoid pain and pursue pleasure. Be kind, not cruel.

Abstain from self-pity and ask for the help you need.

Instead of complaining, express gratitude. Dodge timewasting activities and do things that are meaningful to you. Shun people who disrespect you and seek the company of those who enjoy you. Don’t expose yourself to sickening, violent entertainment; fill your imagination up with uplifting stories. Does the advice I’m offering in this horoscope seem overly simple and obvious? That’s no accident. In my opinion, what you need most in 2016 is to refresh your relationship with fundamental principles.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Many of the atoms that compose your flesh and blood were not part of your body 12 months ago. That’s because every year, 98 percent of you is replaced. Old cells are constantly dying, giving way to new cells that are made from the air, food, and water you ingest. This is true about everyone, of course. You’re not the only one whose physical form is regularly recycled. But here’s what will be unique about you in 2016: Your soul will match your body’s rapid transformations. In fact, the turnover is already underway. By your next birthday, you may be so new you’ll barely recognize yourself. I urge you to take full charge of this opportunity! Who do you want to become?

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) The English word “ain’t” can mean “am not,” “is not,” “are not,” or “have not.” But it ain’t recognized as a

standard word in the language. If you use it, you risk being thought vulgar and uneducated. And yet “ain’t” has been around since 1706, more than 300 years. Most words that are used for so long eventually become official. I see your journey in 2016 as having resemblances to the saga of “ain’t,” Libra. You will meet resistance as you seek greater acceptance of some nonstandard but regular part of your life. Here’s the good news: Your chances of ultimately succeeding are much better than ain’t’s.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) My old friend John owns a 520-acre farm in Oregon’s Willamette Valley. Blueberries are among the crops he grows. If he arranges their growing season so that they ripen in July, he can sell them for $1.75 a pint. But if he designs them to be ready for harvest in late summer and early fall, the price he gets may go up to $4 a pint.

You can guess which schedule he prefers. I urge you to employ a similar strategy as you plot your game plan for 2016, Scorpio. Timing may not be everything, but it will count for a lot.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) In 1803, the U.S. government bought a huge chunk of North American land from the French government. At a price of three cents per acre, the new republic doubled its size, acquiring what’s now Louisiana and Montana and everything between. I don’t think you’ll add that much to your domain in 2016, Sagittarius, but it’s likely you will expand significantly. And although your new resources won’t be as cheap as the 1803 bargain, I suspect the cost, both in terms of actual cash and in emotional energy, will be manageable. There’s one way your acquisition will be better than that earlier one.

The Americans bought and the French sold land they didn’t actually own -- it belonged to the native people -- whereas your moves will have full integrity.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) The coming year will be a favorable time for you to nourish a deeper devotion to truth, beauty, and goodness. Anything you do to make your morality more rigorous will generate benefits that ripple through your life for years to come. Curiously, you can add to the propitious effect by also cultivating a deeper devotion to fun, play, and pleasure. There is a symbiotic connection between the part of you that wants to make the world a better place and the part of you that thrives on joy, freedom, and wonder. Here’s the magic formula: Feed your lust for life by being intensely compassionate, and vice versa.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) I predict that 2016 will be your Year of Fruitful Obsessions. In giving this positive spin to the cosmic tendencies, I’m hoping to steer you away from any behavior that might lead to 2016 being your Year of Fruitless Obsessions. One way or another, I think you’ll be driven to express your passions with single-minded intensity.

Focused devotion -- sometimes verging on compulsive preoccupation -- is likely to be one of your signature qualities. That’s why it’s so important to avoid wasteful infatuations and confounding manias. Please choose fascinations that are really good for you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Your symbol of power in 2016 will be the equal sign: =.

Visualize it in your mind’s eye every morning for 20 seconds. Tattoo it on your butt. Write it on an index card that you keep under your pillow or on your bathroom mirror. Gestures like these will deliver highly relevant messages to your subconscious mind, like “Create balance and cultivate harmony!” and “Coordinate opposing forces!” and “Wherever there is tension between two extremes, convert the tension into vital energy!” Here are your words of power in 2016: “symbiosis” and “synergy.”

Homework Send me predictions for your life in 2016.

Where are you headed? Go to RealAstrology.com; click on “Email Rob.”

check out Rob Brezsny’s Expanded Weekly Audio Horoscopes & Daily Text Message Horoscopes

freewillastrology.com

The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at

1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700 Willamette Week Classifieds DECEMBER 23, 2015 wweek.com

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