42 37 willamette week, july 13, 2016

OMG: IT’S THE MAYOR’S TEXT MESSAGES. P. 7

WILLAMETTE WEEK PORTLAND’S NEWSWEEKLY

WWEEK.COM

VOL 42/37 7. 13. 2016

SLABTOWN FINALLY HAS A

CANNABIS STRAINS FOR

FANCY PIZZERIA.

DEPRESSION.

P. 69

P. 90

BATTLING

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Willamette Week July 13, 2016 wweek.com

CHRISTINE DONG

FINDINGS

PAGE 20

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM READING THIS WEEK’S PAPER VOL. 42, ISSUE 37.

The Oregonian took $100,00 in tax credits for a program its conservative editorial writers

have slammed. 6 The mayor considered turning the ground floor of City Hall into a homeless shelter. 7 Portland Nursery uses water from an underground spring to avoid sky-high city water rates. 22 If you would like to play beach volleyball with bros while drinking $20 pitchers of margarita, there is a place. 27

You can order the lemonade drink of champions at an Old Town cafe. 29 At least one weirdo still plays Pokémon with cards. 42 Damian Lillard’s cousin is a rapper who goes by the name Brookefield Duece. 64

If you wish to eat your hummus with a fork , there is a place. 69 The guy playing Axl in a Guns N’ Roses cover band thinks he should show up on time. 75

OUR MOST TRAFFICKED STORY ONLINE THIS WEEK:

ON THE COVER: Photo by Julie Showers.

Model: LaToya Johnson Nails by Asa Bree at Fingerbang.

An angry conservative activist pulled a gun on Black Lives Matter protesters and got himself arrested.

STAFF Editor & Publisher Mark Zusman EDITORIAL News Editor Aaron Mesh Arts & Culture Editor Martin Cizmar Staff Writers Nigel Jaquiss, Rachel Monahan, Beth Slovic Copy Chief Rob Fernas Copy Editors Matt Buckingham, Maya McOmie Stage & Screen Editor Enid Spitz Projects Editor Matthew Korfhage Music Editor Matthew Singer Web Editor Sophia June Books James Helmsworth

Visual Arts Jennifer Rabin Editorial Interns Julia Comnes, Grace Culhane, Russell Hausfeld, Ellena Rosenthal, Ben Stone CONTRIBUTORS Mike Acker, Dave Cantor, Nathan Carson, Peter D’Auria, Alex Falcone, Shannon Gormley, Jordan Green, Jay Horton, AP Kryza, John Locanthi, Mark Stock PRODUCTION Production Manager Dylan Serkin Art Director Julie Showers Special Sections Art Director Alyssa Walker Graphic Designers Rick Vodicka, Xel Moore Illustration and Design Interns Jodie Beechem Photography Interns Megan Nanna, Clifford King

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Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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CRACKDOWN ON NIGHTCLUBS

The city of Portland has used several methods to stop venues over the past three years, including stings and the Fire Marshal’s Office [“Hot in Here,” WW, July 6, 2016].

It’s become obvious that city planners have envisioned a different plan for Portland, especially in certain areas of the city.

Their tactics are quite obvious. I have worked at Portland bars for the past 10 years and have seen it coming.

—John Walterich WILLAMETTE WEEK

TRANSIENT BOATER FIRES AT DRONE

“SOMEONE IS FREAKING OUT OVER THESE EXPLOSIONS.”

Great. Transplants now come here, violate our environmental laws, and then endanger others by firing a BB gun to protect their napping rights [“Boat vs. Drone,” WW, July 6, 2016]. Guess what? You don’t own the river.

You have no privacy rights when you squat. I hope the Multnomah County Sheriff’s Office investigates and takes the gun away. Go Drone Man! —“Neighbor98” DRONE MAN IS WATCHING

YOU. P. 9

IT’S

SO WE

TRIED

CONCENTRATES. P. 14

CLYDE’S

PRIME RIB GETS A SOFT REBOOT. P. 19

P. 7

WWEEK.COM

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There’s no doubt the city should be following the rules—you get better compliance if you collaborate with owners and club managers. However, critics should keep in mind they would be singing a completely different tune if we had a nightclub fire and 100 deaths.

Spending $60,000 to $100,000 for safety improvements per club would seem pretty inexpensive after the fact.

—“Koncept”

INSIDE THE ILLEGAL FIRE BUREAU CRACKDOWN THAT PUT PORTLAND NIGHTCLUBS OUT OF BUSINESS. PAGE 10

BY NIGEL JAQUISS

“Critics would be singing a different tune if we had a nightclub fire and 100 deaths.”

This is an example of the city exceeding its authority through creeping use of regulations.

It’s another way to suck money from the little people. It sounds like city business to me.

—Drew McAuliffe I am skeptical that, were this situation to result in a lawsuit, it would be successful for club owners. Sprinkler systems improve buildings and add value to businesses.

The upgrades are an advantage to the public. I do not see any argument for pursuing damages from the city of Portland for implementing the policy.

—“Commenter 48220”

Q.

The houseflies of my Chicago youth flew around at random.

Here, I have flies that congregate in the exact center of the room, never land, and fly in straight lines with sharp right-angle turns.

What’s the point?

—Fly Girl

It was years before I lived in* a house clean enough to make that cloud of flies need an explanation. Until recently, I assumed it was just another product of my appalling housekeeping, like the possums under the sink and the dead priest in the fridge.

In the same way that Portland houses aren’t insulated “because it doesn’t get that cold here” (meaning you can freeze when the 4

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

I support the boater. He is getting lumped in unfairly with the dialogue on our homeless issue. His situation and actual homelessness are much different, and it’s unfortunate people are focusing on that.

—“Ozymandias”

PPS BOARD MEMBER COMPLAINS TO FEDS

Paul Anthony is sitting in the wrong seat [“Equal Time,” WW, July 6, 2016]. I want Portland School Board members to engage with problems and lead the way to better outcomes, not try to burn the building down the moment they don’t get their way.

—BJ Cefola Anthony is exactly what the School Board needed. He is unparalleled in his ethics and commitment, and clearly he is unafraid of politics.

—Dana Bee Kelley LETTERS TO THE EDITOR must include the author’s street address and phone number for verification.

Letters must be 250 or fewer words.

Submit to: 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210.

Email: mzusman@wweek.com.

outside temperature is 50 degrees), Portland windows don’t have screens “because we don’t have that many bugs here.”

Which, of course, means that all the bugs we do have are partying in your living room. And “partying” isn’t a figure of speech—not to gross you out, Girl, but that cloud of flies in your parlor is basically a down-and-dirty singles bar.

“Being small, insects have challenges in terms of finding others of their species to mate with,” says Joshua Vlach, an entomologist with the Oregon Department of Agriculture. In short, they need a mutually agreed-upon place to go to get laid, and for the lesser European housefly, that place is the center of any shady, enclosed space.

The cloud you’re seeing is a bunch of dude flies trying to establish aerial turf over each other, the better to mack on any blacked-out lady flies who might drop by. The “right-angle turns” are actually two fly bros coming together in a tiny, split-second shoving match. (If you slow down a recording of their buzzing, you can actually hear them saying, “Not cool, brah.”)

“The bigger the group of swarming males,” Vlach says, “the more attractive it is to females.”

What’s so appealing about a seething mass of belligerent, horny males—either in your living room, or at the Jackknife bar? I guess some mysteries transcend the bounds of species. *Technically, “broke into.”

QUESTIONS? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com

Willamette Week July 13, 2016 wweek.com

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ARRESTED: Michael Aaron Strickland, 36, a conservative counter-protester who on July 7 pulled a gun on Don’t Shoot Portland marchers demonstrating against police killings of black men. “Get the hell back,” he yelled, waving the gun while protesters filmed him. Strickland has been charged with unlawful use of a weapon, menacing and disorderly conduct. Watch the footage at wweek.com.

Oregonian Among Companies Getting Energy Credits

For years, The Oregonian has criticized the Oregon Department of Energy for the Business Energy Tax Credit program, a near billion-dollar boondoggle that subsidized many questionable projects.

After a June 27 hearing in which ODOE director Michael Kaplan defended the economic benefits of the program, Oregonian editorial writer Helen Jung challenged Kaplan in an email exchange (obtained by WW through a public records request) to provide examples of successful projects that wouldn’t have been done without the BETC subsidy. “Thousands of projects throughout the state could be used as examples, including two at your newspaper,” Kaplan responded in a June 30 email. “The Oregonian received just over $100,000 in Oregon Department of Energy tax credits for lighting projects.” Jung’s response: “Funny! I did not know that.” Editorial page editor Eric Lukens tells WW that The O “probably should have” disclosed receiving the credits.

Contract Talks With 911 Dispatchers Break Down

The union representing city of Portland employees who answer 911 calls says contract negotiations have broken down over salary

demands, and the union is declaring an impasse.

Call takers and dispatchers with Portland’s Bureau of Emergency Communications have long complained about understaffing and forced overtime at the bureau that responds to emergencies for the entire region (“Call Waiting,” WW, March 16, 2016). Increasing wait times for callers prompted City Commissioner Steve Novick, who oversees the bureau, to pay for 13 new positions this year. But that won’t solve the problem, says Rob Wheaton, a representative of American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees Local 189. The bureau has serious trouble recruiting and retaining call takers and dispatchers, says Wheaton, so the new slots are likely to remain vacant unless the city improves pay and vacation time. “The only people who notice,” he says, “are the people who are unfortunate enough to call 911 when we have a huge call volume.”

WW Wins National Prizes

WW received eight national awards from the Association of Alternative Newsmedia last weekend, including a first-place multimedia prize to Lucas Chemotti for the video “Burnside Skatepark Turns 25.” Nigel Jaquiss took second place for public service for his reporting on Oregon’s foster care system.

NEWS

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK

CHARLIE HALES’ TEXTS SHOW THE MAYOR EMBRACING A BIG IDEA FOR SHELTERING THE HOMELESS—UNTIL HE GOT REALLY MAD. As tensions over finding shelter for Portland’s homeless people came to a boil in May, Mayor Charlie Hales started texting.

The city faced the closure of the Jerome Sears Center in Southwest Portland. Hales had promised the neighborhood he’d close the temporary shelter after six months and find a

new place to put the 165 people living there. On May 20, Multnomah County Chairwoman Deborah Kafoury told The Oregonian that Hales, “at the 11th hour, is worried about his ego more than he’s worried about the lives of 165 people in the shelter.”

Text messages first obtained by KXL Radio show Hales and his then-chief

of staff, Josh Alpert, were considering every possibility—including turning the first floor of Portland City Hall into a homeless shelter. That idea was first raised by Marc Jolin, who manages homelessness for the county. Then the Oregonian story broke, and burned up the big idea. NIGEL JAQUISS.

Alpert

Jolin is asking if we can use city hall and county building and i’m open to that. […] What do you think about opening city hall at night—first floor?

Hales

RICK VODICKA

Looks panicky

Alpert

Not so sure—I think it would buy us a ton of goodwill with neighborhoods—putting money where our mouth is. Seattle did it. Would also force county to do it, too.

Hales

3

THE BIG NUMBER

It might help the rest of the council own the problem a bit

Alpert

Yep. Totally agree, and I actually think it makes you look even more humanitarian and shuts up a lot of critics.

Hales Ok Let’s try to do it

Hales

Just saw the [Oregonian] article. Debra [sic] owes me a public apology. It has nothing to do with my ego. but does have something to do with my integrity. I will not partner with her again. At least not without that public apology.

Alpert

We have some leverage here and I intend to use it fully to get a public apology.

Hales

She has not called me. Too bad. Let’s proceed on our own with [downtown landlord Jordan] Menashe or anything else we can do with our resources. Dan [Saltzman, the city housing commissioner,] can attend [A Home for Everyone] meetings and sit next to Deborah.

Ultimately, the 165 people were relocated to the Peace Shelter, a temporary space owned by Barry and Jordan Menashe. The partnership with the county is back on, too: The people sheltered in the Menashe space will soon move to the county-owned Hansen Building on Northeast 122nd Avenue.

For more of Mayor Charlie Hales’ text messages, go to wweek.com

The average number of hours Gov. Kate Brown’s calendar shows she spent each workday in June on campaign activities. On June 9, Brown declined to appear in this summer’s Oregon Newspaper Publishers Association debate, traditionally the first debate of the campaign season—only the second candidate to do so in 30 years. The reason her campaign manager offered: She was too busy with her official duties. Skipping the debate with GOP challenger Dr. Bud Pierce might seem attractive because Brown is the front-runner and has little to gain from debates, but a debate might also finally force her to take a position on the biggest political issue on the November ballot—Initiative Petition 28, the proposed $3 billion corporate tax increase. NIGEL JAQUISS. Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week July 13, 2016 wweek.com

w w s ta f f

NEWS resignation, hired Cogen in January 2015 to prepare him to succeed her. He took over from Stoltenberg, who led Impact NW for 13 years, on July 1, right after Impact went to county officials with its financial problems.

The county is Impact NW’s largest funder and paid the nonprofit $3.98 million in the 2015-16 fiscal year. A recent audit identified Impact’s heavy reliance on county funding as a risk.

Another of Impact NW’s large funders is the Children’s Levy, which was created in 2002 by Cogen’s mentor—and boss at the time—City Commissioner Dan Saltzman.

Lisa Pellegrino, who is married to Cogen, has served as executive director of the levy—which raises more than $10 million a year from property taxes—since 2004.

The levy has long been a major supporter of Impact NW, although that funding declined from $901,000 in 2012 to $479,000 for 2015—before jumping 40 percent for 2016.

That increase appears unrelated to Cogen’s hiring. A buoyant economy last year provided the Children’s Levy with an $8.1 million windfall, documents show, and the organization distributed that money to groups, including Impact NW, whose funding had previously been cut.

Pellegrino had no role in that decision, says Mary Gay Broderick, a spokeswoman for the Children’s Levy. When Cogen joined Impact NW, Saltzman ordered Pellegrino to recuse herself from anything to do with the nonprofit.

Cogen says that approach will continue.

“Lisa made an affirmative effort to separate herself because of the potential conflict of interest,” Cogen says.

“We have been and will be very careful about that.”

MEET THE NEW BOSS: Former Multnomah County Chairman Jeff Cogen became Impact PHOTO: director Caption July tktktk NW’s executive 1.

Don’t Call It a Comeback FORMER MULTNOMAH COUNTY CHAIRMAN JEFF COGEN TAKES OVER A STRUGGLING NONPROFIT WHOSE BIGGEST FUNDERS ARE VERY FAMILIAR TO HIM.

By Nig e l Jaq ui ss

njaquiss@wweek.com

In June, one of Multnomah County’s largest nonprofit social-service providers asked the county for a $850,000 bailout to meet what it described as “a critical cash need.”

It’s unusual for a 50-year-old agency that helps the county care for children and seniors to admit it’s struggling to pay its bills.

But what is really raising eyebrows around the county is that the nonprofit, called Impact NW, had recently chosen a familiar face as its next executive director: former County Chairman Jeff Cogen.

Just three years ago, four members of the current County Commission forced Cogen’s resignation.

Now his new job depends on Multnomah County, by far the organization’s largest source of funding, and the Portland Children’s Levy, a property tax-funded city program that is run by his wife.

Cogen, 54, says Impact NW’s relationship with the county will continue to be strong. He adds that he and his wife have ensured that the potential conflict of interest will not affect either organization.

“When I was in elected office, I made a big mistake, and I’ve paid the consequences,” Cogen says. “But I’m still passionate about helping people, and I have had to re-create

myself and find a way to do the same kind of work in a different way.”

Cogen’s career is now in its fourth act.

After working briefly as a lawyer, he ran the Portland Pretzel Company for six years. He then moved into politics in 1999, winning a seat on the county board in 2007 and moving up to chairman in 2010.

Cogen’s future looked bright until an anonymous email landed in county commissioners’ inboxes in July 2013, detailing his relationship with a subordinate named Sonia Manhas, a rising star in the county health department.

“I’m stIll passIonate about helpIng people, and I have had to re-create myself and fInd a way to do the same kInd of work In a dIfferent way.” —Jeff Cogen Questions about whether they’d conducted their affair on county time and whether it had benefited Manhas’ career led to Cogen’s resignation.

Cogen then worked for a signature-gathering firm and for a charter school before joining Impact NW, a nonprofit with an annual budget of $13.5 million. Impact NW’s 400 employees provide social services to low-income children, families, seniors and adults with disabilities.

Longtime director Susan Stoltenberg, one of Cogen’s strongest backers when commissioners called for his

In spite of the strong support from the county and the Children’s Levy, Impact NW is in some financial jeopardy.

The nonprofit has regularly reported operating losses— its tax returns show it has done so in four of the past five years—but those losses ballooned to $775,000 last year.

Last month, Stoltenberg, who was then still executive director, approached county officials with what she termed in a June 17 email “a critical cash need that threatens our very existence as your partner.”

She asked the county for an $850,000 cash advance.

Stoltenberg tells WW the cash crunch arose because the agency grew too rapidly—but she also blamed the county’s slow payment system, saying Impact NW is effectively floating loans to taxpayers sometimes for up to 60 days. “If what we’re asking for is a bailout, it’s bailing out a boat that the county put a hole in,” Stoltenberg says.

“Theirs is a faulty business model.”

County officials rejected the bailout request and accused Impact NW of withholding information from the county in an April financial review.

“The explanation of Impact NW’s current financial situation indicates that many of the challenges you are facing would have been known two months ago,” county CFO Mark Campbell wrote in a June 29 letter to Stoltenberg. “The county will not make an advance payment.”

Stoltenberg rejects Campbell’s accusation. “There’s no basis to the idea we’re hiding anything,” she says.

On July 1, Stoltenberg turned her $156,000-a-year job over to Cogen.

He says with layoffs and a larger bank line of credit, Impact NW will survive without the requested advance.

“We’ve cut expenses significantly,” says Cogen.

Multnomah County spokesman Dave Austin says commissioners are focused on the well-being of Impact NW’s clients, not its personnel.

“The county’s chief concern is that services to people in need aren’t interrupted,” Austin says. “If a contractor’s cash problems become a barrier to providing services, we would look for other options. It’s not about them, it’s about the people we serve.”

County officials will now temporarily pay Impact NW’s invoices immediately rather than 10 days later, but made it clear the nonprofit needs to shape up.

“How long will we do this?” read the county’s response to Impact NW’s request. “Answer: this fiscal year only.”

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week July 13, 2016 wweek.com

M AYA S E T T O N

NEWS

Leah Treat

PHOTO: Caption tktktk

PORTLAND’S TRANSPORTATION CHIEF RIDES CONFIDENTLY INTO THE BIKE-SHARE ERA.

BY BE T H SLOV I C

bslovic@wweek.com

Leah Treat sees advantages to bringing up the rear of the bike-share pack.

When Portland launches its bike-sharing program July 19, the top-rated city for bicycling won’t be the first U.S. city to do so—or even in the first 50. It’ll be the 65th, behind tourist hot spots like Spartanburg, S.C., and Omaha, Neb. (And, of course, New York City, Chicago and Washington, D.C.) It took eight years and several failed attempts for Portland to get to this point. But backers of the new system, dubbed BikeTown by corporate sponsor Nike, aren’t upset about the wheelspinning.

“We’ve learned and been able to watch what other cities have done,” says Treat, director of the Portland Bureau of Transportation. “Our system is going to be the largest smart-bike system when we launch. It’s going to be awesome.”

WW sat down with Treat this week to talk about her expectations for BikeTown. We also talked about the features of the new system—and why bike helmets are very unlike bowling shoes.

WW: How many riders are you expecting in the first month? The first year?

Leah Treat: We’ve already passed the 500 mark for founding members [with 600 members signed up for annual passes], so we’ll have a minimum of 600 and likely a lot more as tourists are visiting. Tourists adopt bike share at a much higher rate.

I’m picturing a lot of tourists tooling around without helmets. Why aren’t you providing helmets?

They will either have to bring their own, or they can go to a local store and buy one. There’s not a helmet law, so we’re not providing helmets. We are looking at options to have helmet vending machines, but we still don’t have good options.

Helmet vending machines? That’s a thing?

Seattle tried a helmet vending option. They’re the only city I’m aware of, but I don’t think it’s

gone very well, which is why other people haven’t adopted it. There are issues with hygiene. There has to be a means in place to get those helmets sanitized and back into the system.

UNIQUELY NORTHWEST

If bowling alleys can figure out how to disinfect shoes, why can’t bike shares figure out how to sanitize helmets?

Their shoes don’t leave their site! They have all the equipment right there in one location, and there’s somebody there running the business.

With 100 bike-share stations, it’s not really the same.

How do you ensure that this program doesn’t become just another amenity for privileged Portlanders?

The data in other cities doesn’t bear that out.

Women adopt bike share at rates greater than in the commuting population. It’s picked up by tourists, who are visiting the city. The more infrastructure that’s provided, the more numbers of people who use it…. We have a really low price point. For $2.50, which is the equivalent of a bus ticket, you can get a bike-share trip.

But for $2.50 on TriMet you get 2½ hours.

You only have 30 minutes by bike. So why is that a good option for low-income riders?

I think it depends on where you’re going and how fast you need to be there. Bike-share bikes are immediately accessible, and you don’t have to wait for them to show up. You don’t make stops along the way, and if you have a short quick trip to make bike share is a faster, same-price option.

Why are women who won’t commute by bike willing to use the bike-share system?

They want to feel safe in order to ride bikes.

Women have adopted bicycles in their own households at a much lower rate, so they don’t own bikes. A bike-share bike presents them with the opportunity to try out biking.

Why are the bikes orange?

It’s the Nike shoebox color, and the basket on the front is supposed to look like a Nike shoebox.

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Back in 2014, the Matador, a much-loved 40-yearold West Burnside dive bar, closed amid a landlord dispute that has left the building empty to this day. The packed crowd that came to mourn it cleaned the place out of liquor—even the weird stuff—while bartenders and regulars left with mementos.

But, in Portland, the things people love never really die.

And so one of the bar’s most dedicated customers took a 5-foot chunk of the bar top and rebuilt a replica of the Matador in his studio apartment (page 28).

There’s something about this anecdote that feels fitting as a prelude to this year’s Best of Portland issue, our annual celebration of the charming and often unheralded people, places and things that make this city so great, whether a foster mom who went far and above the call of duty (page 17), or a stripper who does comedy in the raw (page 15).

Portlanders seem particularly worried this year that the city is losing what makes it special. But perhaps that’s why so many seem dedicated to preserving it—like the maker of a well marking the site of a now-buried stream (page 22), the former employees of a closed restaurant keeping its undead spirit alive three blocks away (page 30), or Portland’s most prolific web historian-chiro-

practor, who has detailed the city’s storied past across 50 different blogs (page 38).

But Portland is also becoming a more exciting place to live. There’s a nonprofit trying to turn the entire Willamette River into a music venue (page 23), families who came together to provide houses for Portland’s new baseball team (page 41), and a dude who built a crazy-ass 8-foot Tesla coil blasting out Taylor Swift at 90 decibels (page 25).

And just to remind you this isn’t the only time all year we’ve been nice to anybody, we list the many, many things we’ve declared “the best” in our pages over the past year (page 45). And in a new tradition begun last year, we asked you to pick your own favorite things in town—and, boy, did you ever respond. More than 27,000 of you voted in 214 categories of Portland things you really like.

Take a moment to sit back, sip on a cool and refreshing LeBronald Palmer (page 29), and enjoy what’s good about being alive in Portland.

BEST PEOPLE

BEST ANIMALS

BEST SIGHTS

BEST SOUNDS

BEST BITES, SIPS & PUFFS

BEST IDEAS & INVENTIONS

BEST WORDS

BEST FUN & GAMES

15

29

19

33

21

37

23

41

BEST PLACES 27

BEST OF THE YEAR 45

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CHRISTINE DONG

Best Mushroom King

Portland native Peter McCoy thinks mushrooms can save the world.

He has grown oyster mushrooms in old coffee grounds, and trained fungi to digest used cigarette filters. A self-taught “radical mycologist,” as well as a longtime artist and community activist, McCoy now gives mycological-science workshops and lectures all over the country, persuading anyone who will listen to “just give mushrooms a chance.”

For nine years, he put out a zine called Radical Mycology, Mycology devoted to the notion that mushrooms are “the world’s greatest and oldest teachers,” and that we as a society have a lot to learn from them. With help from a crowdfunding effort from fans of his mushroom studies, McCoy has just released his mushroom opus. Radical Mycology, a 700page book McCoy says is “the accumulation of 15 years of studying mycology.” The book is practically the OED of mycological science and cultivation, covering everything from slime molds to the chemistry of psychedelics.

“It’s intended to be read cover to cover,” he says.

“Fungus in general is totally absent from our awareness; that’s why it’s easy to make fun of it or be afraid of it. But fungi directly influence all life cycles of nature integral to the environment…when you do understand it, it’s fascinating and bizarre and so important.” KAT MERCK.

Best Bike Salesman

E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

In Florida, Gene Vance was a schoolteacher, principal and hotelier. But when he moved to Oregon, he decided he’d try something different: selling bikes in his front yard. Cyclists on the busy Southeast Salmon Street bike corridor can see the inventory of Mean Gene’s bike shop on the parking strip outside his house on the corner of 15th Avenue.

“Two or three times a year, I do get mean,” says Vance, 80. “It’s when people insult my bikes or try to tell me what to do when they bring bikes in for me to work on.”

Vance stopped riding after breaking his back in a fall last year, but that didn’t dull his enthusiasm for shopping at garage sales and thrift shops for investment material.

“I look for something that has possibilities, not Walmart bikes,” he says. “I want something I can improve.”

GENE VANCE

WENDY WEISS

Best Naked Comedian

“You definitely piss off a lot more people doing comedy than showing them your vagina,” says Wendy Weiss, who’s eating a bowl of oatmeal at North Killingsworth’s Coffeehouse-Five.

By day, Weiss is a vegan with a penchant for knitting. But the last Friday of every month, she hosts Comic Strip at Funhouse Lounge, a show in which comics take off their clothes while trying to make people laugh.

After each comic starts his or her set, Weiss rings a bell every few minutes, signaling it’s time for the comic to take off an article of clothing. They usually only get as far as their skivvies.

“The person onstage is like, ‘Holy shit, I’m doing this!’” Weiss says. “There’s always one comic who’s in the green room just doing pushups. It’s like, ‘It’s not going to

help you now, dude.’”

Besides challenging the stereotype that women can’t be funny and hot, Weiss boldly straddles being a comic and a stripper. She dances at Devils Point and Lucky Devil strip clubs.

It should be no surprise that stripping gives Weiss endless material for jokes, like the man who said her breasts were “nicer than his sister’s” or the way her car always gets searched at the Canadian border, only for officers to find knitting needles and maybe a vape pen.

Comedy got her through her early days of stripping, when Weiss was such a bad dancer that she “would just plop down and tell jokes.” Doing the reverse—bringing stripping to comedy—is her way of changing the way a lot of female comics talk about sex.

“Sex is either portrayed as

He tries to buy a bike for under $40, apply elbow grease and—if needed—new parts. The goal is to double his money.

In a good week, Vance might sell a bike a day, but he says his inner eastside neighborhood is changing as property values climb, and sales have been slow this summer.

Although his wife complains of being the equivalent of a golf widow, he’ll keep fixing old bikes in his basement workshop until his own wheels fall off.

“I’ll keep going until I kick it—course, I don’t know how long that’ll be,” he says. “I just enjoy it so much.”

But his shop’s unusual location has also aroused suspicions. Vance says the police stopped by a couple of years ago to investigate an online allegation that he was selling stolen bikes. He satisfied their curiosity with a packet of receipts.

“I watch out for the can people,” he says. “If they come along trying to sell a $200 bike for $25, I tell them I’m not buying.” NIGEL JAQUISS

sad because they don’t have it, or women are sluts because they do,” Weiss says. “I’ll be like, ‘So I was having sex and this weird thing happened,’ or, ‘This lady said something super-racist at an orgy, isn’t that weird?’ I normalize it when I’m talking about it so that’s not what the joke is about.”

Weiss didn’t specifically set out to challenge stereotypes, but she is very aware that she does, simply because her comedy set is, for many, the only interaction with a sex worker outside a strip club.

“Sometimes I want to try to expand my horizons, but you talk about what you know,” she says. “I could do stripping material forever.

But on the other end, do I want to be a stripper comic?”

She pauses.

“I kind of do,” she says.

SOPHIA JUNE.

Best Heavy Metal Stenographer

Craig Giffen has watched 1986 wastoid classic Heavy Metal Parking Lot roughly a “bazillion times” since the late ’90s, he says. Amid the film’s 17 minutes of interviews with epically wasted, elegantly mulleted metalheads tailgating before a Judas Priest concert, Giffen began to fixate on small details—like the preponderance of ZZ Top tour shirts among the attendees. “I counted four or five,” he says, “and then I started wondering what other shirts were in it.”

He decided he would catalog every shirt in the movie. Just having the idea was enough reason to do it.

“I’m what business people would call ‘vertically oriented,’” says the Portland amateur computer programmer behind the website the T-Shirts of CONT. on page 16 Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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CO U R T E SY CO L I N O ’ B R A DY

Colin O’Brady on Vinson Summit Ridge in Antarctica.

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Heavy Metal Parking Lot. “I’m like, ‘This is what we’re doing, we’re doing it now, don’t fucking talk to me until it’s done.’ Even if it’s something that’s going to test my relationship, cost me lots of money and drive me insane, let’s do it.”

Considering half the interview subjects aren’t even wearing shirts, you’d figure the job would be easy. But the original movie and the outtakes on the DVD contain about 30,000 individual frames.

Giffen scrolled through each one, noting whatever he could make out and uploading the results to a page that looks like it was built using a vintage GeoCities template. (He’s a programmer, not a designer.) He finished it just in time for the film’s 30th this past May. For Giffen, just finishing—or getting close enough—is his reward. As for any grand lessons, he says: “My biggest takeaway is that I didn’t realize there were so many Harley-Davidson shirts.” MATTHEW SINGER.

Best Explorer

Eight years ago, Colin O’Brady was lying in a hospital bed 8,000 miles from home, covered in burns so severe he thought he’d never walk again.

At the time, he was 22 years old.

But this June, he returned home to Portland triumphant. He had just become one of about 50 people to have ever climbed the tallest peak on all seven continents, and visited both the North and South poles.

It’s called the Explorers Grand Slam, and O’Brady did it in a record time of 139 days—just under five months— trouncing the previous record of 194 days set by Wales rugby player Richard Parks.

Take that in for a second: The feat includes reaching the summits of Mount Everest, Denali, Aconcagua and Mount Kilimanjaro.

“Two people died on the same day I was there,” O’Brady says of his Everest climb. “On the exact same summit day, exact same time.”

But O’Brady had already faced a life-changing event that could have crippled or killed him. Climbing those mountains was the easy part, he says.

In January 2008, while on a backpacking trip in Thailand, he tripped on a burning, kerosene-

soaked rope during a “fire game” and suffered burns affecting one-quarter of his body. A doctor told him he may never walk unassisted.

For the spry Lincoln High School graduate— who’d spent his weekends climbing Mount Hood before being recruited by Yale University to swim—the news was devastating.

But it took O’Brady only a month to get back on his feet. While still in the hospital, he set a goal to finish a triathlon someday. Within two years, he’d placed first in the Chicago Triathlon and quit his job to devote himself full-time to endurance athletics. For three years, he says, he was sleeping in a different bed every three nights.

Although O’Brady often spends months away from home, he says Portland is a major part of his devotion to the outdoors. “It’s such a gift to grow up staring at those mountains from our city,” he says. “My family didn’t have much money, so we’d drive out to the Gorge to go on hikes.”

For now, O’Brady says he’s planning to enjoy his Northwest Portland home for a while: “I’m allowing myself a moment just to breathe.”

SOPHIA JUNE.

Best Judge Nervous about appearing before a judge? Try imagining he’s got an arm-length Doctor Strange sleeve tattoo under his robes. That’s the case for Multnomah County Circuit Judge Bronson James, appointed in February. “I’m a huge comic book nerd,” he says of the Marvelous tat along his left arm. “I would like to say it’s all one consistent comic artist, but it’s not.”

James’ geek credentials go below the surface. In 2014, he wrote a legal brief to the U.S. Supreme Court, arguing against warrantless searches of cell phones. (Among his assertions: 12 percent of Americans use their smartJAMES phones in the shower.) The Supremes agreed, ruling that police need a warrant to search your cell phone. James plans to make digital search and seizure law a specialty on the bench. “I remain very much engaged with it,” he says. “I’m enjoying the fact that I’m no longer an advocate for just one side. We all have an interest in getting this right.” AARON MESH.

Best Foster Mom

V. K A P O O R

Oregon’s foster care system has grabbed a lot of headlines in the past few months. None of them has been positive, thanks to the lax oversight of some providers.

But foster mother Jeska Dalizu’s extraordinary advocacy on behalf of children and others in need—including refugees and people with serious mental illness—deserves our praise.

Back in June, WW brought readers the story of Billal, a refugee boy from Somalia who arrived alone in the U.S. in 2015 with no family to turn to. Federal officials welcomed him as an unaccompanied refugee child and sent him to live in Oregon with Dalizu. Within months of arriving, however, federal officials tossed the teenager into lock up on the allegation he was 18, not 17. Their evidence? Dental records that examined the growth of his wisdom teeth (See “Pulling Teeth,” WW, June 15, 2016).

At that point, Dalizu’s role as foster mom ended. Technically, at least: She no longer received any financial support for helping Billal.

But Dalizu knew intimately what it was like to be on one’s own in a foreign country. She moved to the U.S. from Kenya in the ’70s at age 15, and after her brother returned to her birth

JESKA DALIZU

country two years later, she was left here alone. But she persevered, working odd jobs to put herself through college and eventually graduating from Portland State University on her way to a long career in banking and financial services. But she still remembered what it was like to be on her own.

“I was the only person he knew,” she says of Billal. “How do you leave a child to just sit in prison?”

Dalizu didn’t. She relentlessly worked the phones, calling and emailing U.S. senators and the governor’s office. Eventually, she found the Northwest Immigrant Rights Project, a nonprofit legal services group in Washington that works with detainees at the federal immigration detention center in Tacoma.

Tim Warden-Hertz, a lawyer with the group, says about 6,000 detainees pass through the detention center every year.

About 70 to 75 percent of those immigrants facing deportation never get a lawyer, he estimates. And it’s possible Billal would have been part of that statistic if it hadn’t been for Dalizu.

Warden-Hertz had already reviewed Billal’s case by the time Dalizu reached him by phone, but her anger helped cement his commitment.

“Talking to her made me even more outraged,” he says.

Two months later, after the Northwest Immigrant Rights Project filed a lawsuit, federal officials finally released Billal to Dalizu’s care.

“I can describe what she’s done,” Billal says, “but that would not be enough. I’ve never met such a good person like her in my life.” BETH SLOVIC.

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Best Bar Dog ELLENA ROSENTHAL

No offense to the owners, but a lot of the customers at Foster Road bar Starday Tavern—self-dubbed “the most OKest bar”—are just coming in to see the dog.

“Ghengis is the real core of this place,” say Keith and Cassie, two frequenters of the bar. His picture on the Starday’s coasters and T-shirts seems to bear this out.

The 10-year-old French bulldogpug mix has been the star of the tavern since new owners came in over a year ago. Co-owner Justin Amrine was the only person working shifts, and he got lonely behind the bar.

Ghengis and Amrine now pull four to five evening shifts a week together. When Ghengis isn’t by the door, near the bar, or outside with the smokers, he’ll be in the red booths, getting all the love rubs and attention. As soon as one customer stops petting him, he moves on to the next booth.

“He works the crowd,” says Amrine.

“He’s an equal-opportunity lover.”

But a lot of Ghengis’ visitors are the dogs of other customers. On a given night, usually ones without live music, four to five dogs can be seen in the bar.

Ghengis has apparently already met a lady named Eggroll—a 9-month-old Frenchie. Both greet each customer as soon as the door handle dings.

“At the end of the day, we all have holes in our hearts for lots of different reasons. And Ghengis fills that hole for lots of different people, every single day. That’s his job,” says Amrine.

Ghengis will celebrate his (belated) 10th birthday at the bar from 4-8 pm, Sunday, July 17. All are welcome.

ELLENA ROSENTHAL.

GHENGIS

Best Land Shark

Best Action Pig

DARRYL SAPP and P. IGGY

“Not for human consumption,” warns the sign on a gumball machine filled with Cheerios, which is attached to a chainlink fence around a home in FosterPowell. The O’s are for Portland’s best celebrity pig. “Ms. P. Iggy Smalls,” aka “Notorious P.I.G.”, is a mini-Juliana pig whose Instagram page is filled with photos of her in doll hats, with painted nails, and frolicking in a pink kiddie pool. P. Iggy’s owner, Darryl Sapp, got her from a breeder in Indianapolis after his dog died. “I remembered the house pig at my grandparents’ farm growing up,” says Sapp. “She exudes Miss Piggy, talkative and sassy from day one.” Most sunny days, you can find P. Iggy eating peanut butter treats or playing in the side yard with her sister, a Frenchton named Frankie. “People who’ve never been to Portland see her on Instagram and visit.

Sometimes,” says Sapp, “I walk outside and there’s a line of visitors.” ENID SPITZ.

In 1994, a cartoon called Street Sharks sought to detail the harrowed lives of four disfigured, mutant shark-men doomed to roam a post-apocalyptic city reminding humanity of the perils of playing God. Two decades later, Jason Wells and Richard Cawley made Street Sharks’ warning a reality, in vehicle form. Shark Car, an aluminum-and-steel, shark-shaped, waterproofed canopy atop a 1993 Ford F-250, is a monstrous hybrid of pickup truck and predatory fish. Shark Car was built by Cawley and partner Gustav (together they run co-op Manifestation PDX) in a fit of inspiration following Burning Man. “Once you go to Burning Man everything is inspired by Burning Man,” Cawley says.

But two years ago, it ended up serving a more practical purpose at a production staged at the Alberta Rose. “For our show J.A.W.Z. the Musical in 3-D, it’s how we hauled set pieces,” Wells says.

“J.A.W.Z.-mobile,” “ShART-mobile”—it has many names, but none more apt than Spielberg’s original: “Sometimes we call it Bruce.” DOM SINACOLA.

Best Blind Eagle Adventure May 4 was a day like any other, and Deschutes the Eagle was out for his routine training when an errant gust of wind sent the Oregon Zoo’s golden eagle higher up into the sky than the half-blind raptor was accustomed to, on an adventure into the hills. Deschutes doesn’t have vision in one eye—caused by the car accident that landed him in the care of the zoo—and so his depth perception is super-wonky. When he gets shaken in the air, he looks around and just lands wherever is convenient in that moment. So, that is what he did, only to be promptly mobbed and scared across Highway 26 by a murder of pesky crows.

Into the wooded hills flew the teenage bird—to the dismay of his handlers, who were trying to track Deschutes’ radio signal telemetry device. They couldn’t find him right away because the radio signal had a tendency to bounce off trees. But Deschutes was a hardy bird. Before he got hit by the car, he had also been shot in the talon by a gun. And now he had survived a run-in with crows!

As it happened, Deschutes’ great adventure lasted just 24 hours before he came down from the trees to score food from his handlers. Because he’s half blind, he can’t really hunt.

Now Deschutes has a fancy new GPS device near his tail feathers, so even if he flies wherever he wants, everybody will always know exactly where he is, forever.

The end. RUSSELL HAUSFELD. CONT. on page 20 Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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CHRISTINE DONG

UNA

When someone in Portland needs a mermaid, Una is who they call. She leads a pack of merfolk who set up a lagoon at yoga store openings or convention halls, or at random creeks and fountains. This year, she will lead Portland’s first Mermaid Parade along the waterfront—the mermaids are carried in wagons and wheelchairs, as walking is difficult with a tail. You can enlist her at unathemermaid.com—she works on the barter system, not for money.

The self-proclaimed guardian of the sad and protector of the Fanta Sea Cove, Una claims to have moved to town with a pirate whose ship, The Outrageous Fortune, had sunk in an epically slow battle with the Giant Sea Sloth. But in her landlubbing life, she teaches empathy and nonviolence at a prison—and is getting a doctorate in transpersonal psychology.

She says her lagoons—whether a blow-up pool or 3,000 gallon tank— especially attract women and children who’ve experienced some kind of trauma. “People were hungry for imagination,” Una says. “Once you engage with them a little bit, they accept that there are actually mermaids in the fountain. They know we’re not real, but their heart and imagination accepts it.” RUSSELL HAUSFELD.

Best Dog Menu Yes, dogs can get ice-cream headaches.

I know this only because of the Groaning Board, a South Waterfront restaurant that’s taken the dog menu to new heights. Dog menus aren’t new in Portland restaurants with outdoor dining areas—the best known is probably Tin Shed, which offers an entree of meat mixed 20

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CHRISTINE DONG

Best Mermaid

with sweet potato or rice and a dessert of peanut butter-banana ice cream.

But no one has taken it as far as the Groaning Board, whose five-item menu includes a little doggie burger and fries (no seasoning in the beef, no salt on the fries) and ice cream (yogurt and peanut butter that also has a little honey). They’re served in little dog bowls and are $7 for the burger and fries and $5 for the ice cream, but they do seem to bring genuine delight. Our family’s little shih-poo, Lucy, devoured the burger and half the fries before I took the bowl away. And then she got dessert— after a half bowl of the stuff, she was shivering, experiencing her first brain freeze. Don’t worry, though—there are indoor and outdoor dog parks within a few blocks. MARTIN CIZMAR.

E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

CLIFFORD KING

THE CANDY BASKET

Best Willy Wonka Chocolate Fountain BERT GORSKI

Best Mysterious Face on a House For years, as drivers take the I-5 ramp at North Alberta Street, they’ve been greeted by a strange sight: a giant light-up face on the front porch of a blue house just east of the exit, with coy, half-lidded eyes framed by spiraling curls.

Homeowner Bert Gorski’s ongoing public art project started out as a Christmas lights display in 2011.

“Then I thought, ‘What if I papier-mâchéd the metal frame

that the lights were hanging on?’” he says.

Gorski, who works as a machinist in Hillsboro, tinkered with several iterations over the years, moving from papier-mâché to wood and clear plastic. “It was for fun,” Gorski says. “I learned about Arduino [an open-source electronics platform for software and hardware], and that opened up all sorts of doors.” The software allowed

him to run a wire conduit through the face and program LED lights to flash in different patterns.

The current face hasn’t changed in a year, but Gorski tells WW to “keep your eyes peeled. The next few months, something big is going to come out there. I’m playing with other stuff to learn how to sculpt better. Once I stop learning, I’ll stop. It’s more fun to figure out how to do it.” ADRIENNE SO.

Screwed to the front of a garage underneath a Boise-neighborhood foursquare, a small, shoebox-sized frame houses a trio of wood-mounted, painted rocks with faces that look straight out of a Hayao Miyazaki movie.

“Welcome to Portland’s miniature museum,” reads the sign at 3820 N Haight St., where Christopher Davies has been displaying art from friends—artists or not—for two years.

“I’m just trying to create my part of the cultural anthill,” says Davies, who adds that he finds Portland’s art scene lacking. The mini-museum is his answer to that, and also a bit of a poke in the ribs to a city that Davies—who also builds Renaissance-era musical instruments and hosts baroque concerts in his home— considers more obsessed with beer and food than art.

This, he says, is his way of adding a little bit of hidden art to the scene for people to discover. He says he loves seeing people stop outside to look at the displays—sometimes paintings, sometimes sculptures—and want more.

“People show up, and they look at it and say, ‘Cool…when can we go to the museum?’ This is the museum,” he says, chuckling.

“My greatest fear is they won’t get the joke. It’s a joke, but it’s serious.” AP KRYZA.

CLIFFORD KING

Best Ant-Sized Art

CHRISTOPHER DAVIES

How a 20-foot-tall chocolate fountain came to exist on Northeast 181st Avenue, halfway to Multnomah Falls, is a love story.

Kipi Doran comes from taffy people. She inherited the 102-year-old Shorthill Taffy Factory from her family, while her now-husband, Dale Fuhr, “is on the chocolate side.” His family founded the Candy Basket back in 1938.

Doran and Fuhr met as children, when their parents ran sweet shops in the same neighborhood, one on Southeast Division Street, the other on Clay Street.

The two drifted apart before coming together again as adults, still both in the candy business. “We merged our lives and our companies together,” Doran says.

In 1991, they relocated their business to Portland’s eastern edge as the Candy Basket, and Fuhr designed a Willy Wonka-style font of liquid chocolate to greet visitors.

“He had ideas of grandeur and tourism,” says Doran. “We’re on the way to Multnomah Falls, and the 20-foot drop mimics the falls.”

Not all of the couple’s inventive confections are so picturesque. “We molded chocolate poop for a guy who does poop calendars,” says Doran.

They made Champagne bottles with timepieces in them, and even made cannabis-infused edibles until it became illegal to manufacture cannabis goods within 1,000 feet of a park.

They also plan to add more dramatic displays at the Candy Basket, including either suspending their Aunt Belinda’s sailboat from the store’s ceiling or filling it with taffy.

The Multnomah Falls of chocolate is their trophy piece, however. “It is a lot of maintenance,” admits Doran. “Twenty-eight hundred pounds of chocolate is quite a mess.”

And although the fountain may look inviting, Doran cautions visitors the fountain’s chocolate is made to cascade smoothly, not to taste good.

“People do stick their finger in it,” Doran says. “Don’t do that.” ENID SPITZ.

CONT. on page 22 Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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Old Town was born out of a swamp—which probably comes as a surprise to no one—enveloped by the mighty Couch Lake.

A now-buried stream once flowed through the floodlands of Goose Hollow. And in Slabtown, the only remnant of Guild’s Lake—site of 1905’s Lewis and Clark Centennial Exposition— is a landlocked bar called Rae’s Lakeview Lounge.

And on the eastside of the river, there was Paradise Springs.

Just south of the Belmont Station bottle shop at Southeast 45th Avenue and Washington Street lies a monument to a buried part of Portland’s watery past. Paradise Springs was a long-buried stream that once flowed down Mount Tabor all the way to the Willamette.

For more than 20 years, Bob Modesitt walked his Buckman neighborhood delivering packages for the U.S. Postal Service.

He’d get to talking on people’s front steps and learned about the geology of the central eastside, and the stream that once ran through it.

When Modesitt, now 89, retired, he and his wife, Joyce, focused their energy on a garden Martha Stewart would envy. In one corner, Modesitt decided to commemorate the springs with a stone-and-wood replica of a well to mark the site of Paradise Springs beneath it.

“There are springs all over the west side of Mount Tabor,” he says. “When people move into the neighborhood, they wonder why their basements are often wet.”

Some of his neighbors, including the nearby Portland Nursery, have tapped into the abundant underground flow rather than paying skyrocketing rates for city water. But Modesitt says his well is purely decorative.

“I’ve often thought I should have hooked into the spring,” Modesitt says. “I would have saved a lot of money, water rates being what they are.” NIGEL JAQUISS.

Best Advertisements for Keeping Portland Weird As a kid growing up in Chicago, Jay Winebrenner saw his future in a local auto insurance commercial.

“It was the most hideously acted, poorly executed piece of advertising ever created,” he says. “A giant eagle lands on a car and shits out a giant egg, which cracks open to reveal the company’s rates. Explaining it doesn’t do it justice.”

He means that as a compliment.

A self-taught director with a keen eye for absurdist, lowbudget what-the-fuckery, Winebrenner produces his own ads that could also be summed up as “you’ve really just got to see them.” His first one, for the Beech Street Parlor in Northeast Portland, stars a flamboyant “magical cat-man”— sheathed in a spandex bodysuit that makes David Bowie’s tights in Labyrinth seem modest—who teleports around the bar, extolling the virtues of the establishment’s bacon sandwich and fresh-squeezed juice. In a holiday-themed edition, a character named Uncle Christmas talks up the bar to a trio of elves, one of whom happens to be fashion magnate Donatella Versace. A fake Doritos commercial, in which an orange-skinned devil terrorizes a suburban family while snorting lines of cheese dust, went mildly viral last year.

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EMMA BROWNE

ALEXANDER WRIGHT

Best Hip-Hop Visual Artist Before acting locally, Alexander Wright was thinking globally.

A rap-loving aspiring graphic designer straight outta Cleveland High School in Southeast Portland, he thought the quickest path to living his dream after graduation would be through fan art—reimagined album covers and portraits of his favorite artists, posted online in hopes that, through virality or divine happenstance, they might catch their subject’s eye.

“I was thinking, if I did this, it would get the attention of those artists,” says Wright, 27. Alas, Jay Z never called. So it was onto Plan B. “I talked to my career adviser at the Art Institute of Portland, and he said, ‘Why don’t you start in your own backyard, and then branch out?’”

Wright took his advice. Four years later, there’s hardly a notable rapper in town for whom he hasn’t created something, whether it’s an album cover, logo or show flyer. In the process, Wright, aka Casso Dinero, has done more than just build an impressive portfolio for himself: He’s established the visual language of Portland’s emerging hip-hop scene. Simple but vivid, marked by striking images—a glass of whiskey perched atop a Bible, the spires of the St. Johns Bridge morphed into jumper cables—framed in empty space, his work has helped pull

Winebrenner has also directed whacked-out music videos for the likes of Stephen Malkmus, Atriarch and his own bands, 31 Knots and Blesst Chest, and has designs on a commercial for an eastside real estate agent familiar from local bus stops.

“I have a loose idea for a Billy Grippo commercial where he levitates over various Portland neighborhoods making branded benches materialize with his mind,” Winebrenner says. “So if you are reading this, Billy Grippo, call me.” MATTHEW SINGER.

Best Piece of the Moon Dreaming of touching the stars, but can’t afford a $250,000 Virgin Galactic ticket? You might fare better if you settle for a touching a planet or a moon.

Plaza del Sol, just past Portland’s city limits on Southeast Stark Street at 187th Avenue, isn’t just a model of the solar system. It’s a piece of it.

“Touch [the painting of ] the moon and you’re actually touching the moon. Stand on Mars, and you’re really stand-

rap from the city’s margins and into the wider cultural conversation.

Wright grew up in an artistic household. His parents were both avid doodlers. When his father was in prison, for the first months of Wright’s life, he would send home small, handmade cards, with drawings of roses or Garfield on them. Whenever his grandmother would visit from New York, she’d take him to galleries and museums.

It wasn’t until high school, though, that Wright gazed upon the masterpiece that would set the path for the rest of his life: Eminem’s 2002 album, The Eminem Show.

“That was the project that made me go, ‘This is what I want to do,’” he says.

A naturally shy kid, it took some effort for Wright to get his name out in Portland, but he’s now a valued part of the local rap community as much as any MC or producer: When his laptop died suddenly last year, the scene rallied to raise the money for him to get it repaired, an act of altruism Wright says nearly brought him to tears.

But Wright’s ambitions lie beyond the city that raised him.

“I can do a lot better,” he says of his nascent career.

“The fact I can pay a few bills off it is a blessing. I just want to get it to the point where I can do bigger and better things.” MATTHEW SINGER.

ing on Mars,” said Michael Orelove, who helped design the installation and provided the meteorites. According to Orelove, both the sphere representing Mars and the painting of the moon were painted with dust from the actual celestial bodies, courtesy of Earth-fallen meteorites that also grazed the two satellites. JULIA COMNES E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

CLIFFORD KING

Best Monument to Mount Tabor’s Hidden Springs

EMMA BROWNE

Best Floating Music Venue On May 28, Seattle power-pop band the Posies played a St. Johns tugboat named Captain Bob. A hundred feet away on the shore, they had just finished a twilight show on a green-lawned, remediated brownfield called Green Anchors—looking out magisterially over the Willamette River onto the cathedral arches of the St. Johns Bridge.

Until the day of the show, no one in the audience was allowed to know where the concert was—but they wouldn’t have known anyway.

That’s about to change. Starting with a festival called the Great Willamette River Revival on July 30—featuring New York hip-hop artist Decora and local bands—a nonprofit called Columbia Clearwater will be hosting a series of concerts on the St. Johns waterfront, all to benefit Portland rivers. It’s an offshoot of a New York river charity founded by legendary folkie Pete Seeger—apparently a name that helps with booking.

The concerts will also help restore the tugboat so there can be shows there, too. The World War II steamship is already home to an old-school music studio and a radio studio where KBOO has held broadcasts.

Clearwater director Sarah Bagby says she’s working with the boat’s owners on bigger plans.

“There’s a great acoustic sound within the center of the tugboat,” Bagby says. “The inside is three levels— almost like a club. Put the band in the middle. There’s people at every level looking.”

That will take some time, however. To do everything, including making the thing seaworthy, boat owner Matt Stein says he’s looking at close to $1.2 million.

In the meantime, Bagby’s nonprofit is also starting a monthly concert series on the steam-powered sternwheeler moored at the Oregon Maritime Museum. The first show will be in mid-August, featuring local folk-rock outfit Sassparilla—and Bagby says ticket prices are staying low because she wants as many people as possible to get out on the river.

“A lot of people can’t afford to watch a show on a sternwheeler,” she says. “We want to change that. Even if they have no money at all, we’ll let them volunteer.”

Meanwhile, Clearwater is organizing to get concerts on Oregon rivers from the Columbia to the Snake. Apparently the best new music venue in Portland is the river itself. MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

KELLY SCHIRMANN

Best Spoken Word There is a small number of people for whom the audio recording of William Butler Yeats reading “The Second Coming ” into a phonograph might as well be Prince’s “Purple Rain.”

“It’s just so much better to hear a poem read by the poet,” says Kelly Schirmann, founder of Black Cake Records. But it’s nonetheless become rare practice outside of grainy YouTube clips.

Best Vocal Support

C O U R T E S Y C O L U M B I A C L E A R WAT E R

THE POSIES AT GREEN ANCHORS

And so in 2013, Schirmann contacted some of her favorite writers and offered to record them reading their own work— local and national poets like Zachary Schomburg, Emily Kendal Frey, Bianca Stone, Chelsea Hodson and Brandon Shimoda.

Each album can be downloaded on a pay-what-you-want model or streamed for free, and half of all revenue goes back to the artists.

Just about every American to even passingly engage with the culture over the past 30 years has heard the voice of Portland native Mary McDonald-Lewis—owners of a late-model GM vehicle, anyone who’s ever passed by a Lunestra commercial, or fans of cartoons from G.I. Joe (she’s the crossbow-wielding Lady Jaye) to Archer (Veronica Deane), Growing up with a mother active in community theater and a father—Portland’s first Unitarian minister—famed his for oratorical prowess, she came by her sonorous tonal command naturally. Upon hearing her voice back in the ’70s while visiting her college, sci-fi author Harlan Ellison exclaimed, “That voice! That voice! I want to put that voice in the Smithsonian Institution!”

McDonald-Lewis is also a revered dialect coach. She is currently teaching the cast of Portland Center Stage’s Astoria to speak in languages as far ranging as Shoshona, Hawaiian and Scotch-Canadian patois—and is the “house coach” for Grimm. She’s Americanized the accents of Robert Pattinson in Twilight, Rupert Graves (ABC’s The Family), and Patrick Stewart in 2016’s locally filmed Green Room.

Not every poet has offered pure poetry.

Sommer Browning recorded a standup comedy album. And on Diana Ross & the Supremes, JonMichael Frank reads poems titled after Supremes songs while the songs play in the background.

“It was my hope,” Schirmann says, “that people would just do something weird.” ZACH MIDDLETON.

“I was trying to have Patrick Stewart not sound like Patrick Stewart,” she says. “When people hear that voice, they’re going to imbue it with an English accent, so I wanted him to consider a ruined voice—rough, gruff and damaged from outdoor life in Oregon.”

But her most enduring job actually did enshrine her voice in the Smithsonian’s permanent collection. Hired under a veil of secrecy by Apple spinoff General Magic, McDonald-Lewis once recorded a succession of responses to varying prompts for a doomed device that essentially invented the smartphone a decade too soon.

General Motors bought the failed product on the condition it could also buy McDonaldLewis’ voice.

“I was the voice of OnStar for 10 to 12 years,” she says. “The first professional voice to work in speech recognition and the longest-working professional voice in the history of the world.”

She long ago grew accustomed to her words sparking a stunned recognition in strangers. “It’s the sweetest, kindest thing,” she says. “It’s anonymous fame, and that’s the best kind there is.” JAY HORTON. CONT. on page 24 Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

MARIUS LIBMAN (left) and CHARLIE SALAS HUMARA

Best Live Stream of Consciousness

Charlie Salas Humara is telling Marius Libman about the PETA commercial they’d make together.

“It’ll be you giving birth to me, for some reason,” Salas Humara tells him excitedly. “Then, as I’m coming out, I carve up a turkey and eat it and you shoot me with a gun and I die.”

Libman seems to agree. After all, the first rule of improv is never say no.

Heavy Breather, the radio show Salas Humara and Libman share on microstation XRAY.fm (107.1) each Thursday at 6 pm, is two hours of transient outbursts with occasional music. It may be the only radio show you’ll ever hear a 22-year-old talk about on the street—and they’re already streaming a bestof album on xrayrecords.com.

“We did have somebody call in the other day and tell us to stop talking and play some music,” says Salas Humara. But for the most part, he says, people seem to get it.

The two hosts have known each other for close to 11 years, and aside from their radio show, they play in Portland wall of sound (and 2013 WW Best New Band runner-up) Sun Angle. The hosts’ chemistry and complementary senses of humor—Salas Humara manic, Libman deadpan—are what create the unique flow of the program.

“In the beginning, when it was completely just us improvising, it would be us just finishing each others’ sentences,” Salas Humara says. “I don’t know why we’re on that same wavelength.”

When the two of them get tired of talking with listeners about abandoning their children to the care of goats, they take breaks to play a broad range of obscure music—from the post-punk instrumentals of Swell Maps to Negativland’s experimental sound collages.

And despite the fact that their radio station isn’t even audible in all of Portland, Salas Humara and Libman’s hilarious banter is spreading across the continent on XRAY.fm podcast.

“We have people calling from all around the country,” Salas Humara says. “I don’t actually understand how they find us.” RUSSELL HAUSFELD.

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CLIFFORD KING

Best Musical Fence

The Thanhouser family is best known for its silent accomplishments. Founded in 1909, the Thanhouser Company is considered one of the forebears of independent cinema in America, inspiring a 2015 documentary that’s on the festival circuit. The family still maintains one the nation’s most important collections of silent film.

But the Thanhouser home on Northeast 41st Avenue north of Thompson Street is more of a musical. Six miniature music boxes attached to a fence in the house’s front garden play tunes like “Twinkle Twinkle” or “You Are My Sunshine” for any passersby curious enough to stop and wind the mini cranks.

The music boxes have a more recent inspiration than the family’s old films. “ We’re Burners,” says 67-year-old Ned Thanhouser, “My wife has done Burning Man for 15 years, so we love involving people in interactive installations.”

The father of five started by taping one box, which played The NED THANHOUSER Phantom of the Opera’s “Music of the Night,” to a fence post. When inclement weather destroyed that box, he trolled Antique Alley down the street and retrofitted six boxes with waterproof plastic covers that screw into the fence post, all of which are publicly accessible from the street. He’s always looking out for more.

As for the family’s silent films, Thanhouser says, “They were never silent. There was always a live score. Here, we have music with no movies.” ENID SPITZ.

Best Musical Lightning Bolt

From its burlesque house beginnings to star-crossed stints as a livemusic venue, the stage at Southeast 48th Avenue and Hawthorne Boulevard has welcomed a dizzying breadth of entertainment over the past century, but its current attraction must be the flashiest.

In April, the Quarterworld arcade debuted an 8-foot-tall solidstate Tesla coil with dual breakout rods tuned to emit 90-decibel tones in time with jagged bolts of electricity. “Tessie” ranks among the largest of its kind anywhere in the United States—and appears to be the only singing Tesla coil expressly built for permanent residency in a video game hall. Although Tessie’s musical repertoire has steadily grown—Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” is a popular recent addition—the sonic limitations make it sound like Nintendo theme music. In practice, when the opening notes of Super Mario are thundered to simultaneous bursts of untamed electricity, performances are rather like Bowser bringing on the end of days.

Logan Bowden, the arcade’s director of operations, had the idea for Tessie after arcade owner Phil Ragaway TESSIE asked for a signature attraction to accentuate the “mad scientist laboratory aspect” of Quarterworld without causing danger to nearby drunks or children.

“I’ve been successfully electrocuted three times,” Bowden laughs. “I’m very familiar with voltage.”

There are plans for even greater spectacle in the future. “Eventually, I’d like to manufacture some much smaller-scale Tesla coils and start playing with plasma balls—different gases, different colors. Maybe down the road, my plasma ball chandelier will actually come to light,” Bowden says. “At some point, with many waivers signed, people might even be able to put on a Faraday suit that gives them the ability to go and dance within range of the bolts.

In the suit, the lightning will strike you but you won’t be harmed.

Oh, there’s a lot of potential with what Tessie can do. She’s no onetrick pony.” JAY HORTON.

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E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

Just past the Gresham border, behind Wok’s Up bar on 175th Avenue and Stark Street, there is a marvelously impossible thing: a standing sandy beach party that looks like it got airlifted from Venice Beach with all the people intact. It is invisible from the street— and many who live blocks away don’t even know it’s there.

The sand pit is stocked with five regulation volleyball courts and the feeling that spring break lasts forever, with a tournament somehow always in progress. On weekends, the courts have serious bumping and spiking action, hosting sun-browned volleyball bums with 2 percent body fat and bathing suits that cover about the same percentage of their bodies, not to mention that peculiar breed of well-defined abs only attainable by a lifetime of leaping for righteous stuffs. The sidelines, meanwhile, are a chill lawn-chair city—one guy even pitched a tent—the vibe heartily encouraged by $20 margarita pitchers.

Who built this strange inland beach, we wonder? “Some crazy man,” says the bartender at Wok’s Up, which owns the courts and charges $6 a day for their use.

The “crazy man” turns out to be Darren Chu, the bartender’s husband, with whom she owns the bar. Twelve years ago, he built the beach armed with nothing but a dream and a whole lot of sand.

“He must really like volleyball,” we muse.

“He likes to drink, is the way I’d put it,” his wife, Ying, says cheerfully. “Volleyball is a wonderful sport. There’s always a sideout, you’re always switching sides. There’s always time to drink.”

MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

So much of new-parenting angst is pure selfconsciousness. You want—nay, need—to get out of the house. But the idea of sitting in a coffee shop in your exhausted, unshowered, mildly panicked state, with a squalling newborn attracting irritated glares, is unthinkable.

Enter Swapnplay, a co-op space with locations in both Dekum and St. Johns where new parents can freak out all they want in the safety and comfort of a nonjudgmental, soft, padded environment—available for a

low monthly subscription fee. It’s like a home with the unique benefit of not being your home. Bring your toddler to shriek on the slide or read in one of the playrooms, while you fix snacks in the kitchen to eat in the dining area, or collapse on a couch and page through a magazine.

Sure, you can bring your old toys, books, cloth diapers and rapidly outgrown jammies and trade them in for bigger, well-loved ones, all for free. But the best part about Swap is the chance to make precious eye contact with other adult humans who will totally understand why your shirt is inside out right now. ADRIENNE SO.

Best Diner Out of Time

Calling Pattie’s Home Plate a throwback doesn’t quite do the Lombard Street St. Johns diner justice. This is a place seemingly unstuck in time, untouched by modern influences but for the presence of a Street Fighter II arcade game and some DVDs among the clutter of wigs, costumes, books and VHS tapes that make up the thrift store, which is actually more like somebody decided to plop down a garage sale in the middle of an oldschool soda jerk, burger and breakfast joint.

The regulars seem like they’ve been here since the ’50s, when the place was a pharmacy and the Homeplate Deli & Fountain, and have no qualms about staring at youngsters who come in curious and leave confused when they can’t fathom pairing hot beef with a side of flea-market deals. Sock hops, live music and family karaoke are the norm.

FAC E B O O K

Best Urban Beach

Best Safe Space for Parents

It’s as if a tornado struck a small Kansas town in 1951, swallowed the local diner and a Goodwill, swirled them together and plopped them down in St. Johns. Oh, those burgers are pretty OK, too. Just like Grandma used to crave. AP KRYZA. CONT. on page 28 Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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MEGAN NANNA

THANK YOU FOR VOTING FOR

NW THURMAN ST / SE DIVISION ST / DOWNTOWN LAKE OSWEGO

SaintHonoreBakery.com

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503.445.4342

NICHOLAS BURGESS

Best Barpocalypse Now Redux When yet another old Portland bar closes, most folks never do anything but complain. Nicholas Burgess did something about it. After the much-mourned West Burnside landmark the Matador closed two years ago, Burgess was one of countless heartbroken regulars. The Matador had poured Burgess’ first Portland drink less than 30 minutes after he arrived from Cincinnati in 2001, and the cozily raucous glam dive became a home away from his nearby one-bedroom apartment.

At first, he hoped to honor the memory by hanging some mementos at home—paintings, glassware, barstools. Burgess enclosed rocks from the back wall within a glass cabinet and laid surplus tiles to re-create the checkerboard flooring. Noticing a familiar hunk of freshly sawed wood and vinyl loaded onto the back of a van, he helped himself to a 40-by-20inch segment of the bartop. Later, when the old owner began cleaning out his storage area, the tavern’s iconic signage was donated to the burgeoning shrine. “Once I hung up the neon,” he recalls, “I started thinking, ‘It’s already taking up most of my living room. I might as well just finish and turn the place into a bar.’”

The 17-by-11-foot apartment is not, of course, an actual bar. He accepts no money and opens the space to no more than a few close friends during major holidays—Christmas, Fourth of July, the anniversary of the Matador’s closing. Still, there’s liquor above the bar, beer on tap, and a working Megatouch machine. A vintage punk show plays on the TV console. Lamps taken from the Matador entrance illuminate the former doorman’s chair.

And, once interiors are bathed in the neon’s crimson glow, the resemblance overwhelms. “That’s the only bad thing,” Burgess laughs. “After a while, just because it’s so red and bright, you go somewhere, and your eyes are kinda messed up.” JAY HORTON.

Best Place to See an NBA Player in Portland for Free Lately, it’s hard to get a Blazers seat that costs less than a pair of vintage Air Jordans—not to mention that games last a very long time.

When next year’s season hits, the easier (and cheaper) solution to spending some quality time with the world’s best ballers is to head down to the bar at the Hotel Monaco at Southwest 5th Avenue and Washington Street, which bills itself as the “hotel designed to meet every last need of NBA teams on the road.”

Portland has a number of gussied-up boutique hotels, but the Monaco rose above the competition by installing 95-inch mattresses, and specially training its staff to handle the demands of very tall people who travel with lots of luggage. IN TK MONTH, ESPN’s magazine highlighted the Monaco’s giraffe-motif bathrobes, and NBA players’ habits of checking in under assumed names to thwart stalkers.

But local celebrity chronicler (and former WW staffer) Byron Beck says ESPN missed a trick: The real superstars often peel off from their teams and stay at the Nines, the luxury hotel atop Macy’s at 525 SW Morrison St. Beck says Michael Jordan started the trend on his frequent post-NBA visits to Portland to see his paymasters at Nike. Word spread to Jordan’s heirs, players such as Los Angeles Laker Kobe Bryant and Kevin Durant, late of the Oklahoma City Thunder.

“Jordan started it all,” Beck says. “They gave him the run of the Nines, even before it officially opened.” NIGEL JAQUISS.

Best Place to Buy a Hammer for a Buck Ted’s Tool Shed on outer Powell Boulevard is like a clown car for tools, or the home of a hoarder—a tiny shack so stuffed with shovels, rakes, wrenches and odd ends that the inventory spills out into the parking lot, where racks contain hundreds of tool handles splayed out like porcupine quills. The titular Ted Hill is still there, 80 years old—he ran a vintage shop there starting 50 years ago, and was set to retire 29 years back, when a couple “kids” wanted to start a tool shop. He ended up taking over the building again— filling his stock of tools when other hardware stores closed. There’s also new tools to maintain stock, but the real draw is the dirt-cheap used tools—hammers, rakes and shovels for a dollar each. It’s amazing. But you have to be lucky. “I get 2,000 to 4,000 used garden tools for the spring,” Hill says. “They all go away fast.” MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

CHRISTINE DONG EMMA BROWNE

A King roller at Serra dispensary.

Best Badass Joint-Rolling Machine

“This is the joint roller that Ron Swanson would use,” a budtender at Southeast Belmont’s Serra dispensary told us.

Best Korean Teriyaki in the Known Universe Du’s Grill gives charmingly few fucks. In a building that was once a Dairy Queen, the 30-year-old Sandy Boulevard teriyaki shack is never open on weekends, there’s always salsa music blasting in the kitchen, and navigating its tiny parking lot feels like playing Tetris on a cracked Gameboy. It serves nothing but nine variations on grilled meat and rice, with salad on the side.

But Du’s is where Portland-born “dirtiest player in the NFL” Ndamukong Suh stops in for teriyaki when he comes home. Kenneth Acker, cornerback for the 49ers, does the same. Their pictures are on the wall to prove it.

That’s because Du’s serves the finest Korean-owned, Mexicanstaffed, Japanese-style teriyaki in the entire Pacific Northwest and possibly the universe. I claim no authority other than my own lifelong obsession: I’ve eaten at literally more than a hundred of these places up and down I-5 in the past 20 years.

The melding of grill cultures that led to the Pacific Northwest Teriyaki Belt—from Bellingham down to Eugene along I-5—is a quirk of history. When postwar Korean immigrants to the Northwest found they couldn’t sell unfamiliar bulgogi or japchae to midcentury American consumers,

they served the already-popular Japanese-style teriyaki instead.

A n d D u’s i s t h e g r e a t e st Korean teriyaki grill of them all—a statement that may get me beaten up on my next visit home to Tacoma, Wash., the heart of the Teriyaki Belt. The Du’s chicken platter is the perfect expression of the PNW teriyaki plate: chicken, rice, teriyaki sauce, basic salad and poppy seed dressing, all perfect, in a perfect ratio, delivered with a textural X-factor from Du’s indoor charcoal grill. That slightly carbonized char, a union of sugar and meat and smoke, is goddamned otherworldly.

JORDAN MICHELMAN.

Best LeBron James-Themed Beverage

MEGAN NANNA

Each pre-roll joint at Serra is rolled in front of you, on what looks like a fancy wooden jewelry box. Local Brandon King’s oak and walnut rollers are assembled by hand, and many come with a stash drawer for bud, tobacco and rolling papers.

During a family estate sale, King discovered his grandfather’s antique cigarette roller from the ’50s, and used it to roll a few solid J’s with his dad. The joints looked just like packaged cigarettes—in tight little tubes.

In honor of Granddad and his cigarette roller, King and his father set out to create their own luxury line of rollers, under the family name: King Rollers. Their hope is to create a new generation of keepsakes, in a newly legalized world where a beautiful joint roller can be kept on the coffee table like an antique globe. You can buy them at Serra or kingrollers.com.

“The idea behind these rollers,” King says, “is to create something like my grandfather’s roller, that can hold up and be passed down through generations.”

RUSSELL HAUSFELD.

DU’S GRILL

“Supposedly, it’s LeBron’s favorite drink,” says Deadstock Coffee owner Ian Williams while sipping his own bespoke version of the Arnold Palmer drink James allegedly favors. “I haven’t heard it from LeBron himself, so I can neither confirm nor deny.”

Old Town’s Deadstock is, to our knowledge, the only cafe in the world dedicated entirely to sneaker culture. On a hot summer afternoon, you might find yourself seated alongside St. Johns rapper Mic Capes, four tourists from Vancouver, the Air Jordan-wearing crew of guys who hang out at nearby rare sneaker boutique IndexPDX, a senior Portland city employee, and venture capitalist Stephen Green.

And all of you will be sipping an ice-cold glass of sweet tea, coffee and lemonade that Williams has dubbed the LeBronald Palmer, named after a particularly rare, tropical print version of James’ LeBron 9 Nike sneaker.

The LeBronald is an equally singular take on the Arnold Palmer, the iced tea-and-lemonade refresher favored by the legendary golfer.

The LeBronald tastes something like a liquid Tootsie Roll, or maybe a craft Brisk ice tea.

“I had this lemonade that I was experimenting with, and I wanted to make an Arnold Palmer my own way,” says Williams. “I poured it in the Zero Chill [a coffee-sweet tea blend originally made for Portland streetwear label Trillblazin’s 2015 Trail Blazers season opener party].

IAN WILLIAMS

CONT. on page 30 Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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C EL

G ATIN EBR

O REG O N ’S B OU

I sipped the cup and was like, ‘Aww, man!’ I made more, and took that over to Index, where I had all those guys try it. They told me it was real.”

The drink went on sale April 8, and made its way from special menu to center stage. “It’s been really popular,” says Williams. “The special menu comes and goes, but at least five Palmers get ordered a day. And I’ve probably done 20 today.”

By the time I got done sipping my own LeBronald out of a vintage Kevin Duckworth glass, 11 LeBronalds had been ordered. In a row.

WALKER MACMURDO.

NTY

Best Pedal-Powered Booze Cruise

FOR THE

People

CELEBRATING OREGON’S BOUNTY

AUGUST 12-14

What’s better than drunkenly pedaling through Northwest Portland on a beer- and peoplepowered bar with 14 of your best friends, bridesmaids, or tipsy officemates? You know this one: doing the same thing, but on a boat.

The BrewBarge is Portland’s very first paddlepowered pontoon bar. It’s a new sister business from the folks behind BrewCycle, the city’s premier pedal-powered brewery crawl.

A 14-passenger vessel that sails the Willamette for an hour and a half each trip, the BrewBarge permits each patron to self-provide up to 32 ounces of beer or cider—soon available from a growler fill station at the Dock—and sails virtually every day this summer. Check brewcycle.com for times.

PORTLAND’S WATERFRONT PARK

advance tickets at: biteoforegon.com

MEGAN NANNA

ACF Pro Chefs Oregon • Daiya Foods • Pacific Seafood • PGE Renewable • Sears Home Improvement • Ticketfly • Vacation Internationale

It’s kind of goofy, you might have to pee, and there’s no way to avoid your boss’s awkward questions when you’re in the middle of a body of water on a raft together. But you’ll be drinking craft beer in the middle of a damn river, and that’s a tough feeling to beat, regardless of the circumstances. PARKER HALL.

Best Indoor Picnic Walk into Lincoln High School during lunchtime and you’re likely to see crowds of teenagers lounging in lawn chairs. Lawn chairs?

Since at least the late-1990s, students have stashed folding chairs in their lockers, transforming the hallways before and after class and during lunch into makeshift cafeterias, where students nosh and gab and kick back with their friends.

As with so many things in high school, seniority wins. Today, only juniors and seniors at the Southwest Portland high school can participate.

But that only adds to the allure.

“I definitely looked forward to having my lawn chair,” says Sammy Gold, a 16-year-old rising senior. “It’s kind of a big deal. It’s a comingof-age thing, I think.”

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How exactly the tradition started is a mystery to current students. By now, though, it’s a necessity: Lincoln is so crowded, administrators had to convert a portion of the school’s actual cafeteria into classrooms. As Portland Public Schools prepares to possibly rebuild a bigger Lincoln, Principal Peyton Chapman says she’d like to find a way to preserve the tradition. “I like the camp chairs for socializing, small-group work and community building,” she says. “Lincoln is a quirky place, and somehow the tradition symbolizes a little of the free spirit we like.”

About those bulky chairs: How do they fit in students’ lockers?

“You’d be surprised,” says Kate Fin, a 17-year-old graduate from the class of 2016. “It takes some forcing, but it definitely happens.” BETH SLOVIC.

Best Undead Restaurant For 20 years, Wildwood restaurant was a Portland dining mainstay—and one of the finest beer bars anywhere near traditionally craft-beer-starved Nob Hill. But it closed suddenly in 2014 after a dramatic rent hike while business was still booming.

Two years later, the Wildwood building still stands vacant, somehow impervious to the development on every other nearby block. It’s been used only to film Grimm episodes, the outdoor lettering for the restaurant’s Wood Room modified to read “THE DOO ROOM” before more letters disappeared.

But Wildwood still kind of exists—three blocks to the north.

There, at the newly relocated Besaw’s on Northwest 21st Avenue and Raleigh Street—a restaurant that is a survivor of 100 years—Wildwood’s former general manager, Cana Flug, says she has hired 21 former Wildwood employees. This includes head chef Dustin Clark, sous chef Emory Brun and sommelier Savanna Ray. She’s hiring two more, she says, for her next-door Solo Club bar that will open at the end of July.

M AYA S E T T O N

STACEY GIVENS

Best Movie Popcorn Getting a taste of the best movie theater popcorn in Portland comes at an unusual cost: You have to climb up on the ol’ 10-speed and go for a bike ride.

Every second Wednesday during the summer, urban farmer Stacey Givens holds a bike-in movie night at the Side Yard—the farm she owns and runs on Northeast 48th Avenue just north of Killingsworth Street.

And though recent outdoor flicks have included Airplane and Caddyshack, the snacks are the real draw.

Givens mixes hot popcorn with powders made of dried lovage and scapes—which, like the marigold flowers, are grown at the farm. She also serves cocktails made

with liquor from Portland distillery New Deal.

Givens started the Side Yard in 2009 after discovering her green thumb working in the garden at rooftop restaurant Rocket (now Noble Rot). In addition to brunches, dinners and events on the farm lot, the Side Yard also supplies edible flowers, micro greens, and unusual herbs that are popping up on plates made by some of the city’s best chefs— including Renata and Sweedeedee, along with Old Salt and Red Sauce Pizza just down the street.

The next bike-in movie is at 8:30 pm on July 13—the same day this issue hits the stands. Like the popcorn, it’ll be Some Kind of Wonderful.

ZACH MIDDLETON.

In the same building, new pizzeria Please Louise is headed up by former Wildwood sous chef Brian Lamback, alongside still more Wildwood alums, something all involved say is a complete coincidence.

“We’ve all known each other so long,“ Flug says. “If one runs out of thermal paper and the other runs out of to-go boxes, we’ve done swapping—quite possibly a literal cup of sugar.”

Flug says she’s received about 100 comment cards asking if Besaw’s can make Wildwood’s famed mussels plate. “I think we’re going to have to bring back some of the iconic dishes a few times,” she says. “If I can get Dustin to do it after making them for 16 years.” MATTHEW KORFHAGE. Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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TOM BENDER

Best Photographer of Auras

COURTESY OF CHRISTINA LONSDALE

LYNN LE

Best Boxing Gear for Women Women used to have no good choices for boxing gloves: ill-fitting men’s gloves or “women’s gloves,” which were men’s gloves, but smaller and pink. Or women wore gloves made for children.

“If you’re training for a marathon, would you wear shoes that don’t fit?

Women are really frickin’ strong, so throwing a punch in a kids’ size large is not going to work,” says Lynn Le, creator of Portland’s first boxing and mixed martial arts apparel line for women, Society Nine.

Le has a brown belt in Krav Maga, the Israel Defense Forces’ hand-to-hand combat style, and taught kickboxing at Krav Maga Self Defense & Fitness

in Milwaukie, where women made up more than half of her students. “What this sport is about is empowerment, and that femininity is inherently powerful,” she says.

The wrong boxing gloves take away a woman’s power. “The way they would throw a hook was compromised,” Le says. “Women were adjusting how they were striking to conform to whatever they were wearing, which wasn’t fitting them.”

It took Le a year and a half of working on prototypes to perfect a women’s glove. The product got Society Nine a shout-out from Amy Poehler’s feminist blog, Smart Girls, and an invitation to

the White House for the United State of Women Summit, where Le attended a fireside chat with Michelle Obama, Oprah and Joe Biden—plus ran into feminist icon Gloria Steinem in the restroom. Now you can buy Society Nine gloves online and at Bridge City Fight Shop in Tualatin.

But it turns out women are not the only ones buying Society Nine gloves.

Recently, a lot of men have purchased the gloves, which come in smaller sizes.

“I don’t discriminate against guys who wear our gloves,” Le says. “But if you ask me if we’re going to do men’s gloves, my answer is no.” ENID SPITZ.

Best Place to Get a Hand Job Until this year, a hand job was something you’d rarely get in public.

But it turns out that Fingerbang—located in Northeast Sandy Boulevard’s Zipper complex—fed a desire we didn’t know we had. The highly specialized nail primping at Glynis Olson’s salon has taken “fingerbang” from an Urban Dictionary entry to the most on-trend word in Portland beauty. Now that pizza- or Bowie- or Berniethemed nails are an option, there’s no going back to the French.

Fingerbang is not your average salon. Local graffiti legend Klutch painted the walls, erotic vampire flicks play on the flat screens, and the girls work until midnight. If their art takes longer, they might order Vietnamese from Luc Lac via Postmates.

“Sarah just did picnic nails for the Fourth of July,” Olson says of Sarah Kane, one of her nail artists. “Pride nails were big, then Bowie-tribute nails. Asa did Japanese porcelain-inspired nails with a different, tiny detail on each one.”

“The hardest part has been finding nail techs who are adept at art,” says Olson, who recruited Kane when she was still doing nails in Austin, Texas. “I didn’t think I needed everybody to be an artist, but that’s the way the demand has gone.”

More than 16,000 people now follow the shop’s Instagram to gawk at fingernails online. And some of the nail techs enrolled in cosmetology school for the chance to paint at Fingerbang. Bree Garland left a lucrative job at a famously busy Portland brunch-

JULIE SHOWERS

Red signals leadership and passion. Orange bespeaks aloofness. A yellow aura tends toward whimsy, while white apparently belongs to souls with cosmic wisdom. And as Portlander Christina Lonsdale tells it, Gwyneth Paltrow’s “polarized” green, yellow and blue aura is indicative of a woman who “feels things very deeply.”

Lonsdale’s company, Radiant Human, is equal parts art project and, in one very particular sense, palm reading: Subjects of Lonsdale’s photographs rest their hands on a sensor that “reads” their energy. A rare kind of camera—invented in 1970 by Guy Coggins—overlays the portraits of her subjects with a second exposure that’s meant to represent the color of their aura, the cosmic energy many cultures believe surrounds and emanates from all living things.

Like Apple Paltrow, it seems Lonsdale didn’t fall far from the family tree. The daughter of a visionary painter mother and psychiatrist father, she grew up in a commune founded by her parents in the ’60s. Lately, she’s been taking her camera on the road, touring the country to take portraits and “get people in touch with this energy that’s around them all the time but that they may not be paying attention to.” Aside from Goop, she’s also shot Canadian “urban faery” Grimes, whose aura is—perhaps unsurprisingly—something of a rainbow. GRACE CULHANE.

ASA BREE

ery, and Carmen Corbin was a stay-at-home mom who’d planned to bartend until Olson talked to her.

“I’m trying to offer these women, or men, an opportunity to have a creative outlet and work in a community,” says Olson, a self-described high-school dropout and single mom who opened Fingerbang after burning out bartending at the Riverside Corral strip club.

But if you want a handjob at Fingerbang, you may have to wait in line. Asa Bree—the technician behind the expertly free-drawn nails on this issue’s cover—is booked three months in advance.

And she’s no longer taking new customers. ENID SPITZ. Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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MEGAN NANNA

The Lovecraft Bar thanks you, Portland!

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TARA AND JASON O’MARA

Best Cat Lickers

THANK YOU PORTLAND FOR VOTING SHANDONG AND KUNG POW! BEST CHINESE FOOD!

“You would not believe how many people tell me they’ve licked their cat,” says Tara O’Mara.

As co-creator of one of the most bizarre and subtly sexual inventions since the Shake Weight, O’Mara has received everything from intense gratitude to death threats in response to the Licki Brush.

Does it sound familiar? You’ve probably seen it on Jimmy Kimmel Live! or, God help you, Live With Kelly.

The brush is a tongue-shaped piece of soft silicone, held in the user’s mouth, that’s designed to feel pleasurable to your cat. Basically, it’s a plastic tongue prosthesis for humans who want to return the favor by licking their cats, but without all that annoying cat hair in their mouths.

Admit it. It’s what you’ve always secretly wanted to do.

It turns out that more than 2,000 backers agreed, and they pledged more than $52,000 to fund the project’s Kickstarter.

“People are like, ‘I’m so glad you came up with this product,’” O’Mara says. “It’s

awesome there’s that category of people.”

She wasn’t surprised the invention went viral; she was expecting it. This isn’t her first feline foray. She and her husband, Jason, used their backgrounds in tech and engineering design to create Shru, an intelligent cat toy, which raised $170,000 on Kickstarter in 2013.

For the record, it looks like an egg vibrator. It also mimics a small animal’s erratic movement and sound and is rechargeable by USB. Living in a city that embraces offbeat ideas, O’Mara says, has been a crucial part of their success.

“We’ve lived here for 10 years, and it just becomes part of you,” she says. “I don’t think a lot of things would be in the world if it weren’t for places like Portland.”

While there’s no hard research on the long-term effects of licking your cat, O’Mara says her relationship with her cat has changed: “My cat licks me all the time now.” SOPHIA JUNE.

Best Luddite

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Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

Shandong

STEVEN WONG JR / LAIKA STUDIOS

I

I

“Seeing the 3-D printer, that sort of changed my life,” he recalled. “It’s the bridge between the Laika’s Brian McLean finds it funny he won an digital world and the physical world. It allows Academy Award this year for “Scientific and you to pull something out of ones and zeros and Engineering Achievement.” Though he and col- turn it into a physical object. I could still work league Martin Meunier helped drag stop-motion with my hands, but now I’d be using the computanimation into the 21st century ers as a tool to generate something three-dimensional that I could with their work on breakout hit hold and work with.”

Coraline, McLean spent most of his He and Meunier presented the life actively opposing technological progress. As animation started idea to current Laika president Trato go CGI, jobs were tough for vis Knight, and “rapid prototyping” was born. The process is especially McLean to come by. He wanted to www.shandongportland.com good for making replacement faces: build old-school physical models.

While a then-standard 800 heads “When I graduated college in ’99, were sculpted for Nightmare Before I didn’t know how to write an email,” McLean recalls. “I was basically a Christmas’ main character, Coraline could have 200,000 separate expresLuddite—revolting against anything computer-generated—and it meant BRIAN MCLEAN sions, all made by 3-D printer.

Of course, not everyone was eager that I didn’t really know what I was going to do for a job because practical model- to welcome the coming revolution of McLean’s new Rapid Prototyping department. “A lot of peomaking had started to dry up.”

He was forced to take a job as shop steward at ple with careers in stop-motion had been really California College of the Arts. But as chance would burned by computers in the ’90s,” he laughed. “I have it, while there he was tasked with mastering was one of them! People were nervous that 3-D printing was gonna come take their jobs away.” the intricacies of a $250,000 3-D printer.

People calmed down—McLean says staffing went up rather than down for Laika’s next feature, Paranorman. “It’s a tool,” says McLean. “No different than any other tool. You still are going to need artists to run it, you’re still going to need experts to figure it out.” And now? Laika’s upcoming August feature, Kubo and the Two Strings, will now also include McLean’s ancient enemy, computer animation. Except the CGI will be made to look like stop-motion models rather than the real world.

“The team had to find ways to make water look like water, but still feel like cheese cloth undulating around,” McLean says, “or make snow feel like it has been cut out of paper with very stylized edges reminiscent of origami.” JAY HORTON.

Best Street Fashion The homeless youth who design T-shirts for Dfrntpigeon (pronounced “different pigeon”) say they feel a connection to the titular bird—misunderstood and often-overlooked.

Through nonprofit New Avenues for Youth, which provides real-world job experience for kids from the streets, local 16- to 24-year-olds can get their ideas seen in the form of clothing—whether a Lardo shirt showing a pig in a bikini, or an organiclined nature shirt by young designer Jonah.

“We let them drive the entire process of creating the brand,” said Ginny Golden, creative director at interactive agency AKQA, which mentors the young designers. The goal is to provide the youth with marketable skills—not only illustration and Photoshop, but how to work with clients.

Sometimes, though, the takeaway is a little more personal.

“My art is like a panther— very majestic and graceful,” writes young designer Dani, who helped make a Sasquatch shirt for Deschutes Brewing. “Sometimes hard to see or understand the motive behind it. But in the end, it’s something that can be graceful or destructive.” JULIA COMNES.

Though it’s well-established science in the world of forestry that moss and lichen absorb air pollutants, few had thought to apply that knowledge to moss growing in an urban area.

Jovan and Donovan aren’t done finding disturbing air quality results in town. Now they’re turning their attention from cadmium to lead. The initial results suggest they will ignite another explosive policy debate, this time over the demolition of old houses. The highest concentration of lead they’ve identified so far was across from a lot where a house had been demolished six months prior.

Testing is under way to identify the source of the lead—paint or gasoline or some other source. But either way, the findings may have a lasting impact on Portland’s fight over demolition of old homes.

The two forest researchers also plan to apply their new method of pollution testing in other cities.

“It was disastrous there for a bit with the findings,” says Jovan. “But on the other hand, the moss really served a very useful purpose.”

RACHEL MONAHAN.

Best Pop-Up Future

DIFRNTPIGEON

We tend to look at the city’s streets as static things—but the truth is that quite a few of Portland’s roads could use some tweaks.

Northeast Broadway is at the top of the list. It’s filled with great local businesses— from the city’s best fro-yo shop to one of the country’s best tiki bars—but no one ever chooses to walk down it.

Which is what made Better Broadway so cool. For one magical week in May, a group of civic engineering students from Portland State University and neighborhood volunteers turned a stretch of the three-lane street into an urban oasis. It was like a pop-up restauDani rant, but for a better version of Portland’s streetscape. Suddenly, instead of extra traffic lanes for cars to zoom past each other, there were places to hang out, sing karaoke, Hula-Hoop or eat ice cream.

The project was a spinoff of Better Naito, which PSU student Gwen Shaw developed as her senior capstone project last year. Shaw is now a transportation analyst working for a private firm in Portland. Her team worked through the Foresters rarely make headlines. But this night to install new crosswalks and DIY median March, the U.S. Forest Service’s two lone urban islands on a stretch of Broadway from 11th to forest researchers in Portland—Sarah Jovan 16th avenues—adding duct tape, hundreds of and Geoffrey Donovan—pretty much turned the traffic cones, several bright-orange barricades, city upside down. temporary traffic signs and water-soluble temAfter testing local moss for pollutants, the pera paint. pair found strikingly high levels of the carcino“Our biggest goal is just to work with the comgenic heavy metal cadmium munity, start a conversation,” near Brooklyn-neighborhood Shaw says. “We talked to [resiglassmaker Bullseye Glass. dents] about what they want to “It wasn’t a joyful day,” see in their space. Broadway is a Jovan says. “It looked like a little main street that’s not really bullseye over Bullseye.” feeling like one these days.”

The findings ignited a cityBut for one week, those six wide firestorm of debate about blocks seemed pretty much perlax regulation of the art glass fect to us. industry. But the most lastingly “We got people saying, ‘I don’t significant thing in the study agree with everything, but I love might be the ingenious new way it overall,’” Shaw says. “It got Jovan and Donovan devised to the conversation going, which measure urban pollution. The was the goal. The transit island SARAH JOVAN standard devices used to meawas a huge success, and then sure air quality are extremely the crosswalks got unanimous expensive to operate. But Jovan’s and Donovan’s support and feedback. I was pulling one up, and solution was cheap and simple. The pair collected a woman stopped me and said, ‘Awwww, I loved 346 moss samples from streets and yards all over that crosswalk!’ But crosswalks are something Portland—just half a gram, less than the weight people don’t really appreciate until they don’t of a paper clip—and then tested them for toxins. have one.” MARTIN CIZMAR. EMMA BROWNE

Best Heavy Metal Detectors

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HENRY CROMETT

Best Straightedge Satirist At approximately 8:30 pm June 14, a political attack ad ran on MSNBC stations in the Washington, D.C., market.

This in itself was unremarkable. So was the structure and tone of the TV spot: three everyday Americans expressing grave reservations about the suitability of a presidential candidate. But the questions they raised were unusual.

“We want to talk to you about Donald Trump,” they said. “If the White House phone rings at 3 am, will his little hands even pick up the receiver? When he decides to launch his nuclear war, will his stubby fingers even be able to push the button all the way down?”

The attack ad was real. So was the Portland-based political action committee that produced it: Americans Against Insecure Billionaires With Tiny Hands.

The PAC has grown from a series of bemused text messages, exchanged between two Oregon political observers watching Trump brag about his hand and penis size, into a multistate independent expenditure campaign drawing admiring notice from Glenn Beck and The New York Times.

The message remains the same: Trump must release the exact measurements of his hands.

“He’s been concerned about this for decades,” says Noah Heller, the PAC’s senior vice president of hand truth.

“Because I think he knows he can’t be president with these tiny baby hands. Otherwise, why would he talk about this for 30 years?”

Jokes about the Trumpian digits date back to the 1990s, when Graydon Carter’s Spy magazine rigorously referred to Trump as a “short-fingered vulgarian.” But the issue resurfaced in this spring’s Republican primary, when Trump responded to locker-room jests by Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) by declaring on a debate stage: “I guarantee you there’s no problem.”

Within hours, Heller, an online marketer who had previously spearheaded a satirical campaign against a ballot measure to authorize a casino in Fairview, joined forces with Henry Kraemer, an organizer for the Bus Federation, the national offshoot of Oregon voter-registration nonprofit the Bus Project. They launched the “Trump Has Tiny Hands PAC” on Twitter, then filed paperwork with the Federal Election Commission.

The FEC rejected the filing, saying a PAC couldn’t ridicule a candidate by name. “To this day, we think that Trump complained,” Heller says. They re-filed under a new name, and doubled down.

Heller and Kraemer filmed the TV spot in Northeast Portland in locations that included Alberta Park. It’s now nearing 500,000 views on YouTube.

This week, the PAC hopes to begin hiring field staff. It will soon disclose political contributions that Heller says are in the five figures.

“It’s kind of remarkable that this has exploded,” Heller says. “At the same time, we know this an important issue.

It reinforces the concern we have about his tiny hands.”

AARON MESH.

Mosh Pit”) have a greater reach than they initially thought.

“I look on Facebook and see the Misfits have a million Facebook likes, so the Hard Times can get a million Facebook likes,” Conway says. (It’s currently nearing 111,000.) “That’s what I see as the ceiling. Because if you like the Misfits, you know what punk is, and we make fun of Danzig enough.”

For Conway—who also hosts a monthly showcase, All Comics Are Bastards, at Kickstand Comedy Space in Northwest Portland—the site has become a repository for hyper-specific material that wouldn’t work in front of a general standup audience. His personal favorite so far? A piece aimed at straightedge forefather Ian MacKaye, headlined “Aging Ian MacKaye Chases Kids Off Dischord House Porch.”

“Just the thought of Ian MacKaye bursting out his front door with a broom shooing kids off the porch makes me laugh,” Conway says. “Because he’s the nicest guy in the world, and he probably doesn’t like us making fun of him.” MATTHEW SINGER. CONT. on page 38

HENRY CROMETT

Best Political Pranksters

Bill Conway had low hopes for the Hard Times, the punk-skewering website he helped launch two years ago.

But a few months after it went live, a member of Black Flag reshared a post with the headline “Christmas Ruined by Latest Black Flag Album.”

“We thought in our heads, ‘We might have something here,’” Conway says.

The product of a stridently working-class New England household who dedicated himself to the teetotaling straightedge punk movement as a preteen, Conway knows comedy is the last thing anyone would’ve expected him to be good at. But it’s precisely that self-awareness—about himself and the scene he belongs to—that makes the Hard Times one of the few to apply the satirical news format of the Onion and not totally suck.

Conway and co-founder Matt Saincome, a former SF Weekly music editor, founded the site in 2014, a year after Conway moved to Portland from San Francisco. Turns out, jokes about suburban Satanists (“Black Metal Vegan Burns Down Church’s Chicken”), bass players (“Irresponsible Musicians Leave Bassist in Hot Van”) and moshing (“New Boyfriend Way Too Enthusiastic in

BILL CONWAY Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

JORDAN STANDRIDGE

Best Recommended Engine for Kids’ Books Let’s say you need a present for your friend’s daughter’s fifth birthday. The girl’s love of cats is well-established, but you know nothing about a 5-year-old’s reading habits.

Enter Jordan Standridge.

The 30-year-old bookseller at Powell’s Books on Hawthorne is a neighborhood gem whose knack for guiding adults and children to new titles (with the barest of clues as to what the child goes for) warrants wider recognition. “I want something sing-songy to read to my 3-year-old,” this reporter once told Standridge, sending him to the shelves where he instantly collected a handful of options, including the rhyming adventures of traveling animals in The Circus Ship. (An instant hit with my discerning threenager.)

Another customer told Standridge she wanted a book for a young niece who adored mermaids but “wasn’t girly.” Standridge’s pick? The Mermaid and the Shoe, a picture book about a daughter of King Neptune who

Best Web Historian

asks lots of questions and finds answers sans prince. Julia Silverman, editor of PDX Parent magazine, says when Standridge steered her son to the graphic novels Giants Beware! and Dragons Beware!, he “managed to get my hyper-consciously macho 7-year-old son super-into a series with a female protagonist.”

Standridge lives to give good recommendations, knowing that could help spark a child’s desire to read (and draw customers back to the store). “People can go online and buy a book, but people still want to feel a connection,” he says. “I love talking to kids and people wanting to buy books for kids.”

He’s able to rattle off so many solid suggestions in part because he reads what he sells—while he’s unpacking books, and while he’s shelving books. He commits to reading at least one young adult novel per week on his own time, too, he says, but none of that feels like work. “Kids’ books are generally more hopeful,” says Standridge. BETH SLOVIC.

made the bumper sticker. Felker has personally tracked the obelisk-like mile markers In 1941, R.J. Reynolds’ nephew opened an alumi- along Stark Street (starkstreetmarkers.blognum plant in Troutdale for the sole purpose of spot.com), and borne witness to the majesty of making foil for cigarette packages. Before the feds Zim’s 12 Mile Store in Gresham (zims12mile. moved in with I-5, Southwest Barbur Boulevard blogspot.com), replaced by a Kia dealership. was the grandest north-south superhighway in Chances are you’ve happened across one of Oregon. And in 1964, Portland was poised to build these blogs, but unless you follow a little link the world’s largest domed arena to bearing Felker ’s picture you’d never know they’re all connected. lure in an NFL team, major league baseball, and—maybe—the Olympics.

Our favorite, perhaps? Felker tracked down the true identity The Delta Dome was scrapped— along with that would-be Portland of those boxes on Southwest 6th football team, but the time when it Avenue and Yamhill Street that seemed possible is preserved on a look like little phone booths. They are actually closed-up portals to blog called deltadome.blogspot.com. underground public restrooms, Since 2008, chiropractor Jeff called the Portland Comfort Station Felker has been quietly pouring JEFF FELKER pieces of oddball local history into (portlandcomfortstation.blogspot. what is now 52 separate blogs—though a few of com). They were built in much simpler times, these are devoted to his restoration of muscle when a completely unsupervised underground cars from the ’70s—bearing witness to the fact restroom bunker downtown seemed like a good that Portland was plenty weird before they idea. MATTHEW KORFHAGE. 38

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

Best Fake Mayor

Through some apparent rift on the internet, Portland has been granted a strange and fantastic insight into the mind of Portland’s future mayor. Twitter account Ted Wheeler Googling (@ WheelerGoogling) appears to be a live feed into what Mayorelect Ted Wheeler is asking his Google glasses to search for.

Is it a bot? A disgruntled staffer? We haven’t the foggiest.

We’re just enjoying. The holder of the account has not responded to any of our requests for identification.

But still, we’ve received wonderful insight into the mind of Ted Wheeler.

Sometimes he seems terrifically out of touch: “is 82nd avenue technically in gresham,” he asks wistfully.

Sometimes he appears to be the nerd he ran his campaign as, curious “what are approved swear words for mayoral swearing in.”

And sometimes his thoughts are just random: “burgerville milkshake recipe change.”

But other times, he seems to know we’re watching. The day after WW revealed that staff at The Oregonian had suffered food poisoning after holding a morale-boosting cake party, Ted Wheeler Googling had only one burning question.

“Is willamette week a parody of the oregonian?” Wheeler tweeted. No one answered. RACHEL MONAHAN.

Best 140-Character News Source To borrow a phrase, Portland is one wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Step out the front door, and there’s no telling what you might encounter. A dude with a sword angrily chopping a palm tree. A family fistfighting over a hot dog. A suspicious man on the MAX wearing plastic wrap and brandishing a pistol.

The best you can do is try to be prepared.

Thankfully, PDX Alerts has its fingers on the pulse of all this chaos, and knows how to type. Managed by a group of public safety professionals who say they prefer to remain anonymous, the 5-year-old Twitter account began as an outlet for selfdescribed “scanner nerds” to relay information coming over various emergency dispatches. But it’s become a local favorite— with more than 35,000 followers—for its partly unintentional portrayal of Portland as a kind of post-apocalyptic slapstick dystopia, where wheelchair brawls break out in front of the Paul Bunyan Statue and police wrangle pirates out of trees.

Most reports are standard TV news fodder: shootings, bridge-jumpers, missing children, domestic disputes, the occasional guy on a street corner wielding a machete. Others are so preposterous they stretch believability—warnings of a homeless man eating stolen brisket directly next to the smoker he yanked it from; a “non-consensual exorcism” at a home in North Portland; an “‘out of control’ 10-year-old throwing salsa at people” at the Cha Cha Cha on Hawthorne. But the scribes behind the account swear nothing is embellished, at least on their end.

“The public is notoriously inaccurate about what is actually happening,” says one administrator, who asked to remain anonymous. “Anyone who questions the validity of the reports can buy a scanner and spend hours each day listening and paying attention to the calls that come out across the net, and they are bound to hear some oddball calls.”

And remember: If you hear something, tweet something.

MATTHEW SINGER. Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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2520 EAST BURNSIDE • PORTLAND, OR 97214

HENRY CROMETT

Best Orphans Fans pledged their hearts to the Portland Pickles even before Mayor Charlie Hales threw out the opening pitch this June. But although Lents’ new wood-bat baseball team got a newly renovated pavilion to play in, its players were still missing one very important thing: a home.

Twenty-nine 18- to 22-year-old boys came from all over the country and the world (one’s from Australia) to play a 58-game summer season without earning a cent. It’s like The Sandlot meets Oliver Twist.

Eighteen generous families— ranging from as far away as Vancouver, Damascus and Happy Valley—volunteered to host the sporting orphans for nothing but season tickets.

They would probably go to the games even if they had to pay; connections between players and host families run deep, and players might arrive on the travel bus with a cooler of cold cuts and chips from their host mom. Pickles host coordinator Amanda Dotson says one of the moms has three boys in her charge, while another hosts four and cooks all of them dinner every night.

“All the host moms, we go above and beyond and try to make them feel comfortable,” says Tiffany Elliot, who hosts 21-year-old Marcus Doi from Hawaii along with her husband

and their three kids.

“Marcus is very independent, so it’s harder to mother him,” she says.

This summer marks Doi’s first trip to Portland, a place he’s found similar to Hawaii in its laid-back nature. But he thinks our town’s people are a little strange.

“They say ‘Keep Portland Weird,’ and there are lots of weird people here, a lot of piercings and tattoos in weird places,” he says. Still, he says it feels like home.

“If you sit in Section 307, you can hear the moms talk about their boys,” Dotson says. “They like getting into it.”

There have been no major issues, Dotson says, but she thinks implementing a curfew would be helpful.

“This is the first time some have been away from Mommy, so they’re like, ‘Freedom!” she says. “When they have three days at home with no games, they go a little wild.”

One pack of players who came home very late was greeted with a reaction familiar to errant sons everywhere. “You’re not doing church business at 4 am!” the host mom reportedly told them. “There’s no reason to be out at that time!”

For the record, Doi says he’s been to only one bar, the Dixie Tavern in Old Town. “It was fun,” he says.

SOPHIA JUNE.

Beyond obsessively contemplating the daily goings-on of Portland’s league-besting Major League Soccer team, there’s one thing that dedicated members of the Timbers Army care about most.

Scarves.

When one first stumbles across the private Facebook page for the Portland Timbers Scarf Squad—a fanrun, 2,000-member group of scarfhoarders who sell and trade their collections online—scrolling through the page can feel like Bubba’s neverending shrimp descriptions from Forrest Gump.

You’ve got your pre-MLS scarves, scarves with video game characters, scarves that say “Fuck Seattle” (or Ohio), Goonies scarves, brewery scarves, scarves for team members, scarves for mascots and coaches, scarves for kids battling diseases, scarves for winning games, scarves for games we really want to win, scarves for Reddit, scarves about the drama

incurred by making a scarf for Reddit, and on and on…and on.

Members are so active and impassioned about their hobby that as soon as I joined, it took over my Facebook news feed. It’s not uncommon for the page to have dozens of posts a day, with members posting massive walls of text and joining lively (and sometimes seriously intense) debates about the ethics behind their out-ofcloset dealings: Scarves are to be sold for face value, no more, no less. Ethics are strong with these ones.

Face value of most of these things is $10, but to get a coveted neck warmer like the first rendition of a Tetristhemed scarf, or the holy grail—an original “No Pity”-emblazoned scarf from the Timbers’ USL days—you might have to trade a firstborn child, after weathering intense discussion about whether or not it’s kosher to trade children for scarves. Heck, I might get blocked from Scarf Club for writing about Scarf Club. But on the bright side? If that happens, somebody might make a scarf about it. PARKER HALL. CONT. on page 42 CHRISTINE DONG

Pickle Marcus Doi with his Portland host family.

Best Obsessive Hoarders of Neck Warmers

CHASE SMITH, JASON LAMBERT AND KAREN GJERING

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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Best Ball and Cup Player Wyatt Bray is the No. 1 kendama player in the world.

The 20-year-old Portland native took home the title at the Kendama World Cup in Osaka, Japan, last July.

“When I tell people that I’m a professional kendama player, they don’t know what it is,” he says.

Kendama is a wooden skill toy dating back to 16thcentury Japan. Players do tricks, catching a wooden ball attached by a string to a handle with three cups and a spike that fits into a hole in the ball. It arrived in the West in the 18th century, but had a surge in popularity about 10 years ago among American rollerbladers and jugglers visiting Japan for competitions.

But in the past few years, it’s been adopted by Pacific Northwest kids, who have become sponsored players of the biggest kendama companies in the world. Think of right now as the kendama equivalent to the Dogtown era of skateboarding.

Kendama is perfectly poised for a cultural takeover, its players fitting nicely into the Venn diagram intersection of snowboarders, skaters, stoners, footbaggers and 20-something Pacific Northwest chillers.

Bray was introduced to the game at Lincoln High School, where a scene sprouted a few years ago.

“I borrowed my friend’s kendama during a free period and landed some random sick trick and got super-stoked,” he says.

“I was hooked. I just never put it down.” SOPHIA JUNE.

Best Pokémon Master

AZURILLAND.COM

Some of us want to be the very best, like no one ever was. They want to be like Happy Valley’s Jacob Van Wagner.

While the entire world freaks out playing Pokémon Go on their phones, the 24-year-old security officer is preparing to defend his title as world champion of the old-school, trading-card version of Pokémon—the monster-fighting game that once made national headlines for starting fights among schoolchildren over holographic, first-edition Charizard cards.

Van Wagner started his journey seven years ago, at the nowclosed Loki’s Games in Woodstock. He won his first tournament in 2010, after less than a year playing.

In August 2015, he bested 600 other competitors in Boston to become the greatest in the world— with a purse of $25,000. He did it with a risky and aggressive strategy.

He would use the “Rain Dance” ability of a blue turtle called Blastoise to power up a mohawked unicorn called Keldeo-EX to deal massive damage early—or fail utterly if the right cards didn’t fall.

“And the crowd goes wild!” the Jacob Van Wagner announcers shouted as “underdog” Van Wagner made his championship foe concede the first round after a single turn. “It’s easy to see who’s the fan favorite.”

He’ll be back to defend his title Aug. 19 in San Francisco. “I just love the feeling of knowing that all the effort you put into putting a cool deck together paid off, either just in that you got that one combo to work a few times in a tournament, or you actually managed to take the deck all the way to a win,” says Wagner. “That and getting to use it as an outlet to see all the friends I’ve made throughout the world over the years.” WALKER MACMURDO.

Best Family Feud

Nike is like the family that has everything. The corporate giant has its own sprawling suburban campus (if you’re into that), its own University of Oregon football team with fancy uniforms (if you’re into that), and its own world-famous Swoosh plastered all over athletes (so famous you can’t miss them even if you’re not into that).

But they also have the best family feud around.

Nike track-and-field coaches Alberto Salazar and Jerry 42

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

HENRY CROMETT

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WYATT BRAY

Schumacher will field at least 16 athletes at the Rio Olympics this August—including 2012 silver medalist Galen Rupp for Salazar and the Schumacher team’s Evan Jager, perhaps the greatest American steeplechaser ever.

But while both coaches work for Nike to rebuild American long-distance running, Salazar and Schumacher’s real rivalry is against each other.

Salazar recruited Schumacher to Nike, but the relationship went into an apparent tailspin—and Schumacher formed his own separate Nike team in 2010.

In a 2011 email obtained by The Wall Street Journal, Salazar called Schumacher and his assistant “our mortal enemies.” At the U.S. indoor track championship in 2014, the two had to be physically separated, according to published accounts. Salazar, who is intensely competitive, accused Schumacher’s athletes of conspiring to make his athlete finish (gasp) second.

The medal counts in Rio won’t just be about which country can claim victory, but which Oregon coach is the winningest. Let the Games begin.

RACHEL MONAHAN.

Best Portland Sneakers Made for a Trail Blazer Nike changed the shoe world with Air Jordans.

But it never made a shoe for anybody on the home team. Turns out we had to wait for Adidas to get a Portland basketball shoe we can be proud of.

Sure, Clyde Drexler’s signature red-and-white high-top KangaRoos struck terror into opponents in the late 1980s. But let’s face it: Nobody

gets excited about a pair of goofy-looking ’Roos.

The D Lillard 2 is the first cool shoe ever made for a Portland player by a Portland shoe company—which German-born Adidas arguably now is, at least where design is concerned.

And what a shoe it is, at about half the price of Nike’s $200 Kobe 11. Lillards insisted that the sole eschew the popular but price-hiking Boost foam material. The Lillard 2 even got a cosign from Kanye West, who was photographed sporting an entirely white pair in May. If they’re good enough for Kanye, they’re good enough for Portland. WALKER MACMURDO.

Best Giant Neon Gift

For four decades, the eyes of Abraham Lincoln have been red and gigantic. They looked over the East Portland neighborhood of Lents out of a 10-foot-tall neon coin that advertised notorious dancehall the New Copper Penny. The humongous penny was the Mount Rushmore of Lents, a symbol of the neighborhood’s imperviousness to change—a pride or a bane, depending on who you asked and how they had fared playing the horses in the Penny’s off-track betting parlor.

Gentrification and urban renewal finally claimed the New Copper Penny this April: owner Saki Tzantarmas sold his fiefdom to a real estate developer who plans to turn it into an apartment building. But just two months later, Saki’s relative Deana Tzantarmas sent a Facebook offer to the “I Love Lents” neighborhood group: They could keep the giant neon penny, gratis.

“It’s with much love for this neighborhood,” she wrote, “that we would like to donate it to our Lents community.” Take a penny, leave a penny.

AARON MESH. Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week July 13, 2016 wweek.com

BEST OF THE YEAR A SURVEY OF OTHER THINGS WW FORMALLY DECLARED “THE BEST” IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS.

The Empirical Theater at OMSI, which we called “one of Portland’s best-kept secrets. It serves beer. It has one of the state’s biggest screens, and the sound is bar none the best.

Imagine John Carpenter’s blues stomp rattling your nethers as Rowdy Roddy Piper kicks ass and chews bubblegum. Once known for showing nature docs—to be fair, the nature docs are great—OMSI has been piling on features, becoming the city’s best place to catch a spectacle.”

July 5, 2015

Best Little Strip Mall in Portland

Universal Plaza on Southeast 82nd Avenue, “a culinary treasure trove of stunning density— housing both general-purpose pan-Asian fare and multiple spots serving the best version of their specialty dish in the city, whether Viet-Cajun crawfish boil, Chinese hot pot or chicken pho. It is a magical strip mall—one of very few truly magical strip malls anywhere.”

March 23, 2016

Best Air Jordans of All Time

The Air Jordan 8s, which “represent the culmination of the id driving the Jordan aesthetic.

They are recognizable from a mile away, their kaleidoscopic, aqueous pattern supporting an infinite array of colorways.

Ostentatious, functional and cartoonishly joyful, the 8s are the Jordan of Jordans.”

Jan. 27, 2016

Best New Band

Chanti Darling, which sounds like “a world where Michael Jackson never died, disco never went out of style, and the night never ends.”

March 9, 2016

Best Mexican Beer Available in Portland

Corona Familiar, in tinted bottles, which “has all the notes you want from an eminently quaffable Mexican beer: delicately malty with a rich, full finish and a hint of sulfur. It’s the perfect beer to drink outside during some light physical activity.”

June 22, 2016

Best American-Style Beef Stroganoff The stroganoff at Clyde’s Prime Rib, whose “noodles are now thick, fresh and a bit al dente.

The meat atop it is prime rib, with a richly flavorful gravy.”

July 5, 2016

Best Access to Birth Control in the Nation

This belongs to the women of Oregon, “the first state in the country to make insurance providers cover all 12 months at once. And while that may not seem like a big deal to non-birth-control needers, for women using hormonal birth control, it’s huge.”

Dec. 31, 2015

Best Thing You’ve Ever Purchased for $6.50

The house-fried tortilla chips and brisket queso from La Taq. “If you’ve ever sat in front of a pile of moist, meaty brisket at Podnah’s and thought, ‘All this needs is a lake of gooey melted cheese,’ you are both probably Texan and absolutely right.”

March 23, 2016

whose “meats are masterful from the top to the bottom of the menu. Hard-to-perfect meats like delicate lengua (tongue) and cabeza (beef head) are gently seared and spiced to perfection, the carnitas rival the best in the city, and the asada is booming with beef flavor.”

June 21, 2016

Best Restaurant

Best Flan at a Mexican Family Restaurant

Casa Colima’s flan is “extra creamy and drizzled with a smoke-tinged caramel sauce.”

Jan. 6, 2016

Best Ceviche

Any of the ceviches at Paiche, whose “leche de tigre is luxuriantly dense to the point of creamy, never over-acidic

Vitaly Paley’s Imperial, whose menu “finally delivers what Lucier promised: high-end dining on the grand scale Portland hasn’t seen done so successfully in a long time.”

Oct. 27, 2015

M AT T W O N G

Best Beer Theater You’ve Never Tried

basil and thyme, and thickened with a light roux of flour, milk and butter.”

June 8, 2016

Best Episode of X-Files Season 3 “Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose,” a “sweetly macabre elegy” about a life-insurance salesman “cursed to envision the death of every person he meets. ‘There are worse ways to go,’ the salesman says, staring sadly at Mulder, ‘but I can’t think of a more undignified way than autoerotic asphyxiation.’”

Jan. 20, 2016

Best Beer

The Best Way to Go By Bike and With Child

A tie between bakfiets, “the gold standard of cargo bikes” and trailers, “the best choice for someone eager to try family biking without investing a ton of money.”

April 26, 2016

Best Thing at Pine Street Market Wiz Bang Bar’s beautifully constructed sundaes, “each made with a house-baked pastry as a base, and ingredients like fresh local strawberries and dried rhubarb.”

May 31, 2016

Best Hard Root Beer

Not Your Father’s Root Beer, whose “first sip actually tastes like creamy root beer. There is one sweet moment before the malt hits and your mouth is suddenly full of an acetone note, prompting you to take another sip.”

March 15, 2016

It’s at Hawthorne cart Chicken and Guns, whose chicken is “roasted over oak and mesquite, rubbed with spice, and doused in Peruvian-viaMexican-style aji sauce.”

Sept. 22, 2015

Breakside’s Fresh Hop Simcoe, “a beer that’s both freshly citrusy and a little musky, lathered up with myrcene, an essential oil also found in cannabis and thyme.

It tastes like a hop torn off the bine just before harvest, far surpassing any other fresh-hop beer we’ve encountered.”

Feb. 24, 2015

Best Insane Clown Posse Album

Best New Ramen Place

Lloyd Center. “Do you need something they don’t sell at Lloyd Center? Is it some bougie bullshit? Is it a crack pipe?

Lloyd Center has everything 98 percent of us need. Of the remaining 2 percent, half are 1 percenters in the Occupy sense, and the other half are 1%ers in the biker-gang sense.”

Nov. 24, 2015

Trusty’s Corner Window IPA, a “light-bodied, straw-colored West Coast IPA [that] blew away the competition. Even with 88 IBU, the beer—named for a corner-window seat at Trusty’s brewpub—is deliciously sippable.”

April 8, 2016

Best Conifer of the Pacific Northwest

Best Avocado Sauce

Best No-Frills Workhorse Ham

Vtopia, which serves up “a tasty aged white cheddar, an herby Mediterranean feta and a purplish-brown fermented black garlic wedge that’s aged for two months.

March 22, 2016

Best Damn Roadside Chicken in City Limits

Marukin, whose “miso broth is almost bottomless in its depth and excitingly light, just salty enough to pull out the complexity of its pork-chicken base and rich soy ferment. It is a roundness of flavor that causes separation anxiety between slurps.”

The Amazing Jeckel Brothers (1999), in which “ICP hit their stride and transform the clunky rock elements of The Great Milenko into a varied, seamless rap-rock classic.”

Oct. 29, 2015

Best IPA in Vancouver

New Seasons Market ham, which “tastes like…ham. It is the platonic ham. It is the ham that they eat in Norman Rockwell paintings.”

Nov. 11, 2015

Best Cup of Turkish Coffee

Hawthorne’s Tov coffee bus, whose Turkish coffee is “rich and deep and spiced to a lowtoned pungency that descends warmly into your chest.”

Nov. 10, 2015

Best New Thai Spot

Hat Yai, whose red curry “contained such a rich, deep flavor, it was tough to single out any ingredient—on one visit, it was an effect as much as it was a flavor, like bass you feel more than hear.”

June 28, 2016

Best New Portland YouTube Show

The Benefits of Gusbandry, whose “approach feels bracingly new thanks to its foulmouthed delight in casual raunch and the stars’ lived-in charms.”

Feb. 12, 2016

Best Tacos Matthew Korfhage Has Had Anywhere in Portland Those at Los Michoacanos,

Douglas Fir. That’s just the way it is.

Oct. 19, 2015

The Best Case We’ve Tasted for Vegan Cheese CHANTI DARLING

Best Bar

The newly remodeled Skyline Tavern, “a ramshackle hilltop roadhouse filled with wood grain, old beer signs and a pool table” where “the crowd is a mix of the old blue-collar crew playing pool, hikers who walked up from the city on forest trails, and millionaires who live down the street playing horseshoes in the backyard pit.

May 10, 2016

Best Gelato

Pinolo, “a ray of Tuscan sunshine in the Southeast Division Street overdevelopment zone,” which “compares favorably to most of the places we visited on our trips to Italy. No surprise. The equipment, many of the ingredients and even the owner—an amiable beanpole from Pisa named Sandro Paolini—are all Italian imports.”

Aug. 18, 2015

Best Film About Basketball Ever Made

Sadly, it’s Hoosiers, “a 30-yearold film about white kids in Indiana in the 1950s.”

March 18, 2016

despite an explosive burst of lime flavor, balanced against the sharp bitterness of onion and the airy texture of cancha, a delicate toasted corn.”

March 2, 2016

Best Rooftop for People Watching

The roof at the Pearl District 10 Barrel, located “on a corridor replete with upscale W+K employees, suburban boutique shoppers and terribly fit Pearl clubgoers. But while they are on the street, you are up high, looking down on them. Foolish, foolish people on the ground.

Up here on the roof, we are literally superior—and much closer to the sun.”

May 10, 2016

Best Clam Chowder on Oregon’s North Coast

Gracie’s Sea Hag in Depoe Bay makes its chowder “fresh daily from scratch, with East Coast rather than West Coast clams, peppered to a light bite, cooked with a host of spices, including

Best New Restaurant Southwest Portland Has Seen in a Long Time

Tastebud, whose Nausicaä pizza sports “marble-sized crumbles of pork sausage and about half a bulb of lightly sweet fennel.”

Jan. 13, 2016

The Best Purge Movie So Far

Election Year, in which “onedimensional characters spell out health insurance reform and Trump rhetoric, combined with nightmarish imagery of murder tourists from Germany and sadistic girl gangs waving AK-47s.

Grade: C-.”

July 6, 2016

Best Breakfast Spot on the Oregon Coast

The Otis Cafe, whose “hulking slabs of extramoist black molasses and sourdough are a meal onto themselves.

But it also makes a killer sausage gravy and oyster omelets.”

June 7, 2016

Best Shopping Mall in the Pacific Northwest

The lime-spiked, cilantro-flecked guac at Tienda Santa Cruz.

“Regulars actually shoo moochers away when they try ladling guacamole into containers to go. You’d think the green stuff was gold.”

Nov. 24, 2015

Best Thing About Alice Through the Looking Glass Alan Rickman’s voice.

Godspeed, Mr. Rickman.

May 25, 2016

Best Fried Chicken Sandwich

Basilisk’s, “a towering fried chicken sandwich with a crisp crust and drippy, juicy flesh. It gets a few bright, pickled cucumbers made in-house and a butterkissed bun. The whole thing gets stabbed with a steak knife, and the finished product is too tall to stand steadily on its own.”

May 10, 2016

Best Time to Start Growing Your Marijuana Plant

Anytime between the middle of May and the middle of June.

You’re already late.

May 2, 2016

Best Pool-Party Accessory

The human-sized hamster ball at three-day rave What the Festival: “Someone in a hamster mask literally rolled around between the three pools in a giant hamster ball.”

June 22, 2016

Best Teenager on the Internet

Bree Farmer, “a British girl who reviews menstrual cups.”

Oct. 27, 2015

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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First 100 people to RSVP will receive a collectable Blue Moon glass! | RSVP at bit.ly/WWbluemoon21

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THURSDAY GEEKS WHO DRINK TRIVIA 46

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FRIDAY MOVIE NIGHT

SATURDAY MOVIE NIGHT

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For the second year in a row you nominated and voted for your favorite restaurants, bars, swimming holes, strippers, cannabis and so much more. We couldn’t be more thrilled to announce the 2016 Best of Portland winners and finalists - flip the page to get started!

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BEST BRUNCH SPOT Tasty n Sons

3808 N Williams Ave / 503.621.1400 tastynsons.com

Chef John Gorham’s Tasty n Sons has been a brunch staple for the city ever since it opened, snagging Willamette Week’s Restaurant of the Year in 2010. The lines may still be long, but this brunch is always worth the wait.

Runner-Up:

BEST RESTAURANT Screen Door

Broder 2500 SE Clinton St / 503.339.2822 broderpdx.com Third Place:

BEST THAI RESTAURANT Pok Pok

3226 SE Division St / 503.232.1387 pokpokpdx.com Two time James Beard-winning chef Andy Ricker’s Thai restaurant empire has spread across both coasts, but it all began here with some fantastic, salty fish sauce wings.

Runner-Up:

Pad Thai Kitchen 8303 NE Sandy Blvd / 503.257.5059 Third Place:

Cha’ba Thai Two locations. chabathaipdx.com

2337 E Burnside St / 503.542.0880 screendoorrestaurant.com

Jam on Hawthorne 2239 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.234.4790 / jamonhawthorne.com

Let’s face it: Screen Door had this sealed up from the very moment Portlanders found out they served a foot-tall stack of fried chicken atop a waffle.

BEST MEXICAN RESTAURANT

BEST CHINESE RESTAURANT

¿Por Que No?

Shandong

Runner-Up:

Le Pigeon 738 E Burnside St / 503.546.8796 lepigeon.com Third Place:

RingSide Steakhouse 2165 W Burnside St / 503.223.1513 ringsidesteakhouse.com

BEST NEW RESTAURANT Willow Restaurant 2005 SE 11th Ave willowpdx.com

This long-awaited restaurant finally opened its doors in March earlier this year, and yet the cozy, intimate “Cascadian” style restaurant has already won over the WW readers.

Runner-Up:

Farm Spirit 1414 SE Morrison St farmspiritpdx.com Third Place: La Moule 2500 SE Clinton St / 971.339.2822 lamoulepdx.com

BEST SANDWICH SHOP Lardo

Three locations. lardosandwiches.com Lardo opened up as a food cart over half a decade ago, and it’s been a mainstay on the city’s “best sandwich” lists ever since. It’s a local boy done good who still gives back to the community. By which, we mean they’re still selling tuna melts and Don Johnsons.

Runner-Up:

Bunk Sandwiches Multiple locations. bunksandwiches.com Third Place:

East Side Delicatessen Three locations. pdxdeli.com

3724 NE Broadway St / 503.287.0331 shandongportland.com

¿Por Que No? is a repeat winner of this category by Willamette Week readers. In fact, it seems to win every category it’s nominated in.

This Cheap Eats staple does simple things well, starting with their housemade noodles. It does many things, like the house garlic-pepper sauce, very, very well.

Runner-Up:

Los Gorditos Four locations. losgorditospdx.com

HK Cafe 2309 SE Belmont St / 503.232.8766

Third Place:

Third Place:

Nuestra Cocina 2135 SE Division St / 503.232.2135 nuestracocina.com

Kung Pow! 500 NW 21st Ave / 503.208.2173 kungpowpdx.com

BEST MEDITERRANEAN RESTAURANT

BEST ETHIOPIAN RESTAURANT

Nicholas Restaurant

Queen of Sheba

Three locations. nicholasrestaurant.com A Portland mainstay since 1986, Nicholas Restaurant is the kind of place where you can you get a mountain of shawarma, hummus and saffron rice for just $15.

Runner-Up:

Ya Hala 2135 SE Division St / 503.232.2135 Yahalarestaurant.com Third Place:

Mediterranean Exploration Company 333 NW 13th Ave / 503.222.0906 mediterraneanexplorationcompany.com

BEST INDIAN RESTAURANT Bollywood Theater

Two locations. bollywoodtheaterpdx.com

It feels like it was just yesterday that Chef Troy MacLartay introduced Portland to the kati roll and other street foods of India, but it was actually four years ago—and Bollywood Theater has had this category on lockdown ever since.

Runner-Up:

Swagat Two locations / swagat.com Third Place:

Namaste Indian Cuisine 8303 NE Sandy Blvd / 503.257.5059

The grand old lady of Ethiopian cuisine here in Portland, Queen of Sheba is known for its cozy atmosphere and gigantic portions.

Runner-Up:

Bete-Lukas 500 NW 21st Ave / 503.208.2173 bete-lukas.com Third Place:

Third Place:

Slappy Cakes 4246 SE Belmont St / 503.477.4805 slappycakes.com

BEST DOG-FRIENDLY RESTAURANT/BAR Lucky Labrador Brewing Company

It’s a rule that any place with a dog in its logo also has to be a great place for dog owners to bring their best friends. Sure, the dogs don’t get to drink the beer, eat the solid pizza or play darts, but at least they get to be around while you do.

Runner-Up:

Tin Shed Garden Cafe 1438 NE Alberta St / 503.288.6966 tinshedgardencafe.com Third Place:

Bye and Bye 1011 NE Alberta St / 503.281.0537 thebyeandbye.com

BEST VEGETARIAN RESTAURANT Harlow

3632 SE Hawthorne Blvd / 971.255.0138 harlowpdx.com

Nostrana

Third Place:

Third Place:

Iorio Restaurant 912 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.445.4716

BEST KID-FRIENDLY RESTAURANT

Maybe it’s the smiling cartoon plan-

Third Place:

Corbett Fish House 5901 SW Corbett Ave 503.246.4434 corbettfishhouse.com

BEST PALEO OPTIONS Dick’s Kitchen

Two locations. dickskitchen.com

Hamburgers aren’t the first thing that comes to mind when we think paleo (or even probably the second thing) but chef Richard Shatnick put together a truly mouthwatering menu with a wealth of options for paleo, vegetarian and vegan dietary needs. Also, there’s a pork-duck burger patty.

BEST PUB FOOD

BEST ITALIAN RESTAURANT

Runner-Up:

Runner-Up:

Harlow 3632 SE Hawthorne Blvd 971.255.0138 / harlowpdx.com

Laughing Planet Cafe Multiple locations. laughingplanetcafe.com

Runner-Up:

Ava Gene’s 3377 SE Division St / 971.229.0571 avagenes.com

Living gluten-free doesn’t mean you also want to live pastry, cookie and cake-free, too. Back to Eden Bakery is for everyone who needs a reminder that tasting good doesn’t mean something has to be unhealthy.

Third Place:

Blossoming Lotus 1713 NE 15th Ave / 503.228.0048 blpdx.com

Chef Cathy Whims’ Italian-by-wayof-the-Northwest restaurant has been reliably serving up excellent food for over a decade.

Back to Eden Bakery

2217 NE Alberta St / 503.477.5022 backtoedenbakery.com

Runner-Up:

Somewhere along the quest to be Portland’s best gluten-free restaurant, Harlow also became the city’s best vegetarian restaurant.

1401 SE Morrison St / 503.234.2427 nostrana.com

BEST GLUTEN-FREE RESTAURANT

Cultured Caveman Three carts and a restaurant. culturedcavemanpdx.com

E’Njoni Cafe 910 N Killingsworth St / 503.286.1401 enjonicafe.com

Laughing Planet Cafe

Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

Hopworks Urban Brewery 2944 SE Powell Blvd / 503.232.4677 hopworksbeer.com

2413 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd 503.287.6302 / queenofsheba.biz

Multiple locations. laughingplanetcafe.com

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Runner-Up:

Three locations. luckylab.com

Two locations. porquenotacos.com

Runner-Up:

et in the logo or maybe it’s the large, varied kids’ menu, but this Oregonbased chain can bring a smile to even the biggest sourpuss’ face.

Laughing Planet Cafe Multiple locations. laughingplanetcafe.com

BEST VEGAN RESTAURANT Blossoming Lotus

1713 NE 15th Ave / 503.228.0048 blpdx.com It’s a brave vegan restaurant that offers a Weekend Brunch. Blossoming Lotus doesn’t just provide this service for hungover vegan Portlanders, it does it well.

Runner-Up:

Harlow 3632 SE Hawthorne Blvd 971.255.0138 ? harlowpdx.com Third Place:

Portobello Vegan Trattoria 1125 SE Division St / 503.754.5993 portobellopdx.com

Horse Brass Pub

4534 SE Belmont St / 503.232.2202 Horsebrass.com The Horse Brass is one of the most important pubs in the history of Portland’s brew culture. It also has some killer meat pies and fish and chips.

Runner-Up:

McMenamins Multiple locations. mcmenamins.com Third Place:

Tabor Tavern 5325 E Burnside St / 503.208.3544 tabortavern.com

BEST STEAK HOUSE Laurelhurst Market

3155 E Burnside St / 503.206.3097 laurelhurstmarket.com Laurelhurst Market is a place where you can get a life-changing cut of meat or steak tartare without a hint of steak house pretension.

Runner-Up:

RingSide Steakhouse 2165 W Burnside St / 503.223.1513 ringsidesteakhouse.com Third Place:

OX Restaurant 2225 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd 503.284.3366 / oxpdx.com

BEST BARBECUE Podnah’s Pit Barbecue

BEST PLACE TO EAT SUSTAINABLY Bamboo Sushi

1625 NE Killingsworth St 503.281.3700 / podnahspit.com

Three locations. bamboosushi.com

Brisket is good. Chips and salsa are good. Tex-Mex with brisket is good.

I guess what we’re saying is that Podnah’s Pit is, like, really good.

As delicious as it is, sushi has the specter of the world’s rapidly depleting fisheries hanging over it. Luckily for Portlanders, Bamboo Sushi is the first certified sustainable sushi shack in the world.

Runner-Up:

Russell Street Bar-B-Q 325 NE Russell St / 503.528.8224 russellstreetbbq.com Third Place:

The People’s Pig 3217 N Williams Ave / 503.282.2800 peoplespig.com

BEST BAKERY St. Honore Boulangerie

Three locations. sainthonorebakery.com Named for the French patron saint of bakers and pastry chefs, St. Honore Boulangerie pairs excellent Normandy-style bread with a healthy cider tap list.

Runner-Up:

Petit Provence Multiple locations. provencepdx.com Third Place:

Grand Central Bakery Multiple locations. grandcentralbakery.com

Runner-Up:

People’s Food Co-op 3029 SE 21st Ave / 503.674.2642 peoples.coop Third Place:

Laughing Planet Cafe Multiple locations. laughingplanetcafe.com

BEST SMOOTHIE / JUICE BAR KURE

Three locations. kurejuicebar.com A healthy body is the key to an active, healthy life, and KURE’s superfood-stuffed smoothies and bowls are here to help you have both.

Runner-Up:

Canteen 2816 SE Stark St / 503.922.1858 canteenpdx.com Third Place:

Greenleaf Juicing Company Multiple locations. greenleafjuice.com

BEST FOOD CART Wolf & Bear’s

BEST FOOD CART POD 10th and Alder SW 10th and Alder St

The 10th & Alder food cart pod isn’t just Portland’s largest, it’s also an excellent incubator for the city’s next generation of restaurants. The People’s Pig and El Cubo de Cuba are just two examples of carts that made the jump from 10th and Alder to brick and mortar.

Runner-Up:

Cartlandia 8145 SE 82nd Ave / 503.358.7873 cartlandia.com Third Place:

Cartopia 1207 SE Hawthorne Blvd

Case Study Coffee Roasters

Three locations. / 503.477.8221 casestudycoffee.com Case Study is the kind of coffee roaster willing to host coffee tastings and cocktail mixers to introduce people to the wonderful Central American farms where their beans are grown.

Runner-Up:

Water Avenue Coffee 1028 SE Water Ave #145 503.808.7084 / wateravenue.com Third Place:

Coava Coffee Roasters 1300 SE Grand Ave / 503.894.8134 coavacoffee.com

BEST COFFEE ROASTER Stumptown Coffee Roasters

Multiple locations. stumptowncoffee.com

The roasters that put Portland coffee on the map are still churning out a wonderful product, albeit on a national level now.

Runner-Up:

Coava Coffee Roasters 1300 SE Grand Ave / 503.894.8134 coavacoffee.com

BEST BURRITO

New Deal Distillery

900 SE Salmon St / 503.234.2513 newdealdistillery.com New Deal Distillery was at the forefront of Portland’s burgeoning craft liquor industry, and just one sip of the of the juniper-forward Portland Dry Gin 33 will give you a good idea why it remains one of the best.

Eastside Distilling 1512 SE 7th Ave / 503.926.7060 eastsidedistilling.com Clear Creek Distillery 2389 NW Wilson St / 503.248.9470 clearcreekdistillery.com

Papa Haydn

Two locations. papahaydn.com

Papa Haydn has been churning out some of Portland’s finest desserts since before Portland was Portland.

Runner-Up:

Pix Pâtisserie 2225 E Burnside St / 971.271.7166 pixpatisserie.com Third Place:

Rimsky-Korsakoffee House 707 SE 12th Ave / 503.232.2640

BEST TEA HOUSE Townshend’s Tea Company

Three locations. townshendstea.com

“Tea” is one of the larger, more vaguely defined members of the beverage family. Thankfully, Townshend’s brings black, green, white, chai, herbal and bubble teas from all around the world under one roof in Portland.

Runner-Up:

The Tao of Tea 3430 SE Belmont St / 503.736.0119 taooftea.com

Runner-Up:

Deschutes Brewery 210 NW 11th Ave / 503.296.4906 deschutesbrewery.com Third Place:

Hopworks Urban Brewery 2944 SE Powell Blvd / 503.232.4677 hopworksbeer.com

BEST WINERY Sokol Blosser

5000 NE Sokol Blosser Ln, Dayton, OR / 503.864.2282 sokolblosser.com Aside from opening one of the state’s first wineries in 1971, Sokol Blosser has also pioneered the field of wine doggery. Legendary cheese bandit Andre may no longer roam the grounds, but Twix the Wine Poodle has filled in admirably.

Runner-Up:

SE Wine Collective 2425 SE 35th Pl / 503.208.2061 sewinecollective.com Third Place:

Stoller Family Estate 16161 NE McDougall Rd, Dayton, OR 503.864.3404 stollerfamilyestate.com

Runner-Up:

King Burrito 2924 N Lombard St / 503.283.9757 kingburritomexicanfood.com

BEST SUSHI

BEST CIDERY

Bamboo Sushi

Portland Cider Company

Three locations. bamboosushi.com

Bldg F 8925 SE Jannsen Rd, Clackamas, OR / 503.908.7654 portlandcider.com

Whether you want some traditional nigiri or you’d rather see mackerel served in a small burning pagoda, Bamboo Sushi is the place to go.

A cidery with a decidedly English slant, Portland Cider Company even went so far as to recreate Scrumpy, the moonshine of the British cider industry, earlier this year.

Mio Sushi Multiple locations. miosushi.com

Runner-Up:

Third Place:

Runner-Up:

Saburo’s Sushi House Restaurant 1667 SE Bybee Blvd / 503.236.4237 saburos.com

Reverend Nat’s Hard Cider 1813 NE 2nd Ave / 503.567.2221 reverendnatshardcider.com Third Place:

BEST BANH MI

Bushwhacker Cider 1212-D SE Powell Blvd 503.445.0577 bushwhackercider.com

Best Baguette

Two locations. thebestbaguette.com The reader’s selection for the best Banh Mi in town is also the most convenient: Best Baguette has a drive-thru.

Runner-Up:

Double Dragon 1235 SE Division St / 503.230.8340 doubledragonpdx.com

Two locations. / breakside.com

BEST DESSERT HOUSE

“Best Burrito” is a large, competitive field filled with worthy combatants, but Los Gorditos has an ace up its sleeve: It churns out exceptional burritos that are also vegan-friendly.

Third Place:

Third Place:

Breakside Brewery

There isn’t much left to say about Breakside at this point. Their beers seem to win every category they’re nominated for, whether in statewide, national or Willamette Week readers’ poll, It’s good.

Los Gorditos

Three locations. losgorditospdx.com

Robo Taco 607 SE Morrison St / 503.232.3707 robotacopdx.com

Runner-Up:

BEST BREWERY

Runner-Up:

Potato Champion 3217 N Williams Ave / 503.282.2800 potatochampion.com

BEST COFFEE SHOP

BEST DISTILLERY

Water Avenue Coffee 1028 SE Water Ave #145 503.808.7084 / wateravenue.com

Wolf and Bear’s falafel is one of the rare unimpeachably excellent sandwiches in town. It’s been a known fact that even Jerry Seinfeld has had one.

Third Place:

Tea Chai Te Multiple locations. teachaite.com

Third Place:

Three locations. eatwolfandbears.com

Koi Fusion Multiple locations. koifusionpdx.com

Third Place:

Third Place:

Lúc Lác Vietnamese Kitchen 835 SW 2nd Ave / 503.222.0047 luclackitchen.com

BEST BURGER Killer Burger

BEST RAMEN

Multiple locations. killerburger.com

Killer Burger’s big, greasy, baconladen burgers live up to the chain’s name—and potentially both meanings if you’re not careful.

Runner-Up:

Slow Bar 533 SE Grand Ave / 503.230.7767 slowbar.net Third Place:

Boxer Ramen

Two locations. boxerramen.com

The ramen wing of Micah Camden’s fast-casual empire boasts not only a fantastically spicy miso, but also some killer okonomiyaki tater tots.

Have a tallboy or two to help wash them down.

Runner-Up:

Little Big Burger Multiple locations. littlebigburger.com

Boke Bowl 1028 SE Water Ave / 503.719.5698 bokebowl.com Third Place:

BEST PIZZA Apizza Scholls

4741 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.233.1286 / apizzascholls.com Apizza Scholls not only makes the best pizza in town, but the New Haven-style pizza joint also helps protect you from yourself with a three-topping limit.

Noraneko 1430 SE Water Ave / 503.238.6356 noranekorameen.com

CONT. on page 52

Runner-Up:

Sizzle Pie Multiple locations. / sizzlepie.com Third Place:

Flying Pie Pizzeria Multiple locations. / flying-pie.com Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

51

BEST PAD THAI Pad Thai Kitchen

2309 SE Belmont St / 503.232.8766 Pad Thai Kitchen makes Portland’s best pad thai because of course it does. It’d have to change the name if it didn’t.

Runner Up:

E-San Thai Cuisine 133 SW 2nd Ave / 503.223.4090 e-santhai.com Third Place:

Cha’ba Thai Two locations. chabathaipdx.com

BEST PHO Pho Van

Three locations. phovanrestaurant.com Beginning on Southeast 82nd Avenue in 1992, Pho Van has been serving pho since before many of us knew what pho was.

Runner-Up:

Lúc Lác Vietnamese Kitchen 835 SW 2nd Ave / 503.222.0047 luclackitchen.com Third Place:

Pho Hung Two locations.

BEST TERIYAKI Du’s Grill

5365 NE Sandy Blvd / 503.284.1773 dusgrill.com There aren’t any frills about this small teriyaki shack on Sandy Boulevard: just pick a meat and start munching away on this grill-kissed, garlic-ginger perfection on rice.

Runner-Up:

Ate-Oh-Ate 2454 E Burnside St / 503.445.6101 ate-oh-ate.com Third Place:

Noho’s Hawaiian Cafe Two locations. nohos.com

Third Place:

Henry Higgins Boiled Bagels 6420 SE Foster Rd / 971.271.8613 hhboiledbagels.com

Third Place:

BEST WINGS Fire on the Mountain

Three locations. portlandwings.com While wings are on nearly every brewery menu, Fire on the Mountain took a decidedly different route to this destination: It began as a wings joint that expanded into a brewery.

Try the Caribbean Jerk. Or the spicy peanut. Or el Jefe. Who are we kidding? Try them all.

Runner-Up:

Pok Pok 3226 SE Division St / 503.232.1387 pokpokpdx.com Third Place:

NEPO 42 5403 NE 42nd Ave / 503.288.8080 nepo42.com

BEST CHOWDER Salty’s on the Columbia

3839 NE Marine Dr / 503.288.4444 saltys.com

OX Restaurant 2225 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd 503.284.3366 / oxpdx.com Third Place:

Hawthorne Fish House 4343 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.548.4434 corbettfishhouse.com/hawthornefish-house

Omelets are a mother’s way of saying that she truly loves you. The omelet du jour curated from mothers everywhere is Mother’s way of saying she loves Portland.

Spielman’s signature sourdough bagels are covered with enough seeds to make a loaf of Dave’s Killer Bread blush.

Runner-Up:

Bowery Bagels 310 NW Broadway / 503.227.6674 bowerybagels.com

Runner-Up:

Jam on Hawthorne 2239 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.234.4790 jamonhawthorne.com

The spiritual sister of Best Pad Thaiwinner Pad Thai Kitchen, Hot Pot City is fairly straight forward: you get a burner, some broth, a wealth of meat, vegetable and vegetable offerings and, baby, you’ve got a hot pot going.

Runner-Up:

Beijing Hot Pot 2768 SE 82nd Ave / 503.774.2525 thebeijinghotpot.com Third Place:

Good Taste Noodle House 7525 SE Tualatin Valley Hwy, Hillsboro, OR / 503.718.7452 goodtastenoodlehouse.com

Runner-Up:

Miho Izakaya 4057 N Interstate Ave / 503.719.6152 mihopdx.com Third Place:

Tanuki 8029 SE Stark St / tanukipdx.com

BEST DONUT

Blue Star Donuts

Third Place:

Missionary Chocolates 2712 NE Glisan St / 503.206.8439 missionarychocolates.com

BEST PIE Lauretta Jean’s

Two locations. laurettajeans.com

Unlike some of the city’s other notable doughnut makers, Blue Star doesn’t rely on kitsch or stale cereal to sell doughnuts. Blue Star’s secret is buttery brioche.

Piemaker Kate McMillen learned everything she knows about pie making from her grandmother, the titular Lauretta Jean. Let’s just say there’s a reason why Willamette Week dubbed her the “Queen of Crusts.”

Runner-Up:

Pip’s Original Doughnuts 4759 NE Fremont St / 503.206.8692 facebook.com/PipsOriginal Third Place:

Tonallis Donuts & Cream 2805 NE Alberta St / 503.284.4510

Runner-Up:

Pacific Pie Co. Two locations / pacificpie.com Third Place:

Random Order Coffeehouse 1800 NE Alberta St / 971.340.6995 randomordercoffee.com

BEST BLOODY MARY Tasty n Sons

3808 N Williams Ave / 503.621.1400 tastynsons.com

Two locations. olympiaprovisions.com

These fatty, salty, sometimes spicy cured sausages are the platonic ideal of what salame, chorizo and loukaniko can be.

Runner-Up:

Runner-Up:

Alma Chocolate 140 NE 28th Ave / 503.517.0262 almachocolate.com

Multiple locations. bluestardonuts.com

Olympia Provisions

BEST ICE CREAM

The Bloody Mary is the rarely mentioned key to a good brunch spot.

Tasty n Sons’ mary menu goes five large with Asian-inspired Dim Summore standing out with its Srirachay goodness.

Runner-Up:

Salt & Straw

Third Place:

Multiple locations. saltandstraw.com

The Country Cat Dinner House 7937 SE Stark St / 503.408.1414 thecountrycat.net Third Place:

BEST FISH & CHIPS

Fish sauce, dill pickles and olive oil aren’t the first flavoring agents that come to mind when you think of ice cream, but don’t tell that to Salt & Straw, Portland’s most popular and adventurous ice cream company.

Edelweiss Sausage & Delicatessen 3119 SE 12th Ave / 503.238.4411 edelweissdeli.com

Horse Brass Pub

Runner-Up:

Holman’s Bar & Grill 15 SE 28th Ave / 503.231.1093 holmanspdx.com

BEST MARGARITA ¿Por Que No?

4534 SE Belmont St / 503.232.2202 horsebrass.com

Ruby Jewel Three locations. / rubyjewel.com

Like most pub food, fish and chips is an exercise in greasy simplicity. Fish, batter and a deep fryer are pretty much all you need. It’s no wonder that one of the city’s finest pubs also serves Portland’s favorite beerbattered halibut.

Third Place:

Two locations. porquenotacos.com

BEST FROZEN YOGURT

Once again, ¿Por Que No? wins the Best of Portland triple crown: Best Mexican, Best Taco and Best Margarita. Owner Bryan Steelman was even kind enough to share his margarita recipe with the public.

Runner-Up:

Hawthorne Fish House 4343 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.548.4434 corbettfishhouse.com/hawthornefish-house Third Place:

The Frying Scotsman 9 SW Alder St / 503.706.3841

Fifty Licks 2021 SE Clinton St #101 503.395.3333 / fifty-licks.com

Eb & Bean

1425 NE Broadway St / 503.281.6081 ebandbean.com By getting all of its dairy from within 100 miles of Portland, Eb & Bean has staked its claim as the city’s first and best farm-to-cone frozen yogurt joint.

Runner-Up:

The Maple Parlor 3538 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.206.4757 / themapleparlor.com

Original Hotcake House 1002 SE Powell Blvd / 503.236.7402 hotcakehouse.com

¿Por Que No? BEST IZAKAYA Biwa

215 SE 9th Ave / 503.239.8830 biwarestaurant.com Biwa is that rare izakaya joint that is most famous for its late night burger,

Third Place:

Nuestra Cocina 2135 SE Division St / 503.232.2135 nuestracocina.com

BEST MIMOSA Night Light Lounge

2100 SE Clinton St / 503.731.6500 nightlightlounge.net

BEST CHOCOLATIER

The name “Night Light Lounge” doesn’t exactly conjure up the image of a good mimosa spot. That is, until you see the “Mix Your Own Mimosa” option where the server drops a bottle off at your table.

Moonstruck

Two locations. porquenotacos.com

Runner-Up:

The Matador Two locations. matadorrestaurants.com

Third Place:

Nectar Froyo Two locations. / nectarfroyo.com

BEST TACO

Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

a juicy burger topped with char siu pork and kimchi mayo.

BEST SAUSAGE

Third Place:

Some people thought $2.50 was too much for a taco when ¿Por Que No? opened its doors in 2005. Over a decade later and Bryan Steelman’s Oaxaca-meets-Pacific Northwest taco joint still has lines going around the block.

52

Hot Pot City

1975 SW 1st Ave / 503.224.6696

Runner-Up:

212 SW Stark St / 503.464.1122 mothersbistro.com

2200 NE Broadway St 503.477.9045 / Spielmanbagels.com

BEST HOT POT

Otto’s Sausage Kitchen 4138 SE Woodstock Blvd 503.771.6714 / ottossausage.com

Mother’s Bistro & Bar

Spielman Bagels

Taqueria Nueve 727 SE Washington St 503.954.1987 / taquerianueve.com

Salty’s seafood chowder—a wonderful creamy mixture of clams, Oregon Bay shrimp, scallops and bacon—is more than just an exceptional bowl of chowder. Slurping it down with the Columbia on your side and Mount Hood in the distance feels like a celebration of the Pacific Northwest.

BEST OMELET

BEST BAGEL

Runner-Up:

Robo Taco 607 SE Morrison St / 503.232.3707 robotacopdx.com

Multiple locations. moonstruckchocolate.com Moonstruck is more than a fantastic chocolatier in Portland, it frequently collaborates with the robust local liquor industry to bring you some of the tastiest, booziest chocolate truffles you’ve ever tasted.

Runner-Up:

Salty’s on the Columbia 3839 NE Marine Dr / 503.288.4444 saltys.com/portland Third Place:

Brix Tavern 1338 NW Hoyt St / 503.943.5995 brixtavern.com

BEST COCKTAIL The Sapphire Hotel

5008 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.232.6333 / thesapphirehotel.com

This sultry seedy hotel-cum-date spot offers a wealth of strong cocktail options, even if the aptly named, Pop Rocks-filled Most Popular Drink sounds decidedly unsexy.

Runner-Up:

Rum Club 720 SE Sandy Blvd / 503.265.8807 rumclubpdx.com Third Place:

Clyde Common 1014 SW Stark St / 503.228.3333 clydecommon.com

BEST TALLBOY Rainier

Wherever beer is sold. rainierbeer.com Here in Portland, we like our flavorless, mass-produced tallboys—or “pounders,” to use the parlance of our times—as locally sourced as possible.

Runner-Up:

Tecate

Third Place:

Pabst Blue Ribbon

BEST STRIP-CLUB FOOD Acropolis Steakhouse

8325 SE McLoughlin Blvd 503.231.9611 / acropolispdx.com

The steak bites might actually be the more famous than the dancers at Acropolis at this point.

Runner-Up:

Santeria 703 SW Ankeny St / 503.956.7624 thesanteria.com Third Place:

Casa Diablo 2839 NW St Helens Rd 503.222.6600 / casadiablo.com

BEST LATE-NIGHT MENU Le Bistro Montage

301 SE Morrison St / 503.234.1324 montageportland.com Serving Cajun and Creole food— including a mac and cheese menu that runs nine deep—until 4 am on weekends is a power play by Le Bistro Montage.

Runner-Up:

Lúc Lác Vietnamese Kitchen 835 SW 2nd Ave / 503.222.0047 luclackitchen.com Third Place:

Dot’s Cafe 2521 SE Clinton St / 503.235.0203 dostcafeportland.com

BEST PRIX FIXE MENU Beast

5425 NE 30th Ave / 503.841.6968 beastpdx.com $102 gets you a six course dinner at Naomi Pomeroy’s Beast. The menu changes weekly, but one thing never changes: You will eat every scrap of it. Even if your stomach is already full, your taste buds won’t let any of this food go to waste.

Third Place:

Langbaan 6 SE 28th Ave / 971.344.2564 langbaanpdx.com

BEST FOOD & DRINK EVENT Portland Dining Month Portland Dining Month is the the most wonderful time of the year where the city’s finest—and sometimes most expensive—open their doors to serve a special meal at a modest price.

Runner-Up:

Feast Portland feastportland.com Third Place:

Bite of Oregon biteoforegon.com

BEST CHEF Lisa Schroeder— Mother’s Bistro Lisa Schroeder opened Mother’s Bistro to make slow-cooked, comforting “Mother Food.” Since opening its doors in 2000, Mother’s Bistro has won countless awards and national acclaim, but Schroeder hasn’t forgotten what makes it all work. She spotlights the story and recipes of a new mother every month.

Runner-Up:

John Gorham - Toro Bravo 120 NE Russell St / 503.281.4464 torobravopdx.com Third Place:

BEST BOOKSTORE Powell’s Books

Multiple locations. powells.com

Powell’s just might be the only bookstore in the world that doubles as a tourist destination.

Runner-Up:

Annie Bloom’s Books 7834 SW Capitol Hwy 503.246.0053 / annieblooms.com Third Place:

Mother Foucault’s 523 SE Morrison St / 503.236.2665

BEST COMIC-BOOK STORE Things From Another World

Three locations in the Portland area. tfaw.com Things From Another World offers a large selection of outsider comics to go with the standard Marvel and DC fare and its excellent online service.

Runner-Up:

Bridge City Comics 3725 N Mississippi Ave 503.282.5484 bridgecitycomics.com Third Place:

Floating World Comics 400 NW Couch St / 503.241.0227 floatingworldcomics.com

Gabriel Rucker - Le Pigeon 738 E Burnside St / 503.546.8796 lepigeon.com

BEST PATIO White Owl Social Club 1305 SE 8th Ave / 503.236.9672 whiteowlsocialclub.com

It’s not just about the impressive square footage of this inner Southeast bar’s patio. It’s about the music, events, people and occasional popup barbecue you’ll stumble into once you’re there.

Runner-Up:

Rontoms 600 E Burnside St / 503.236.4536 rontoms.net Third Place:

Teote 1615 SE 12th Ave / 971.888.5281 teotepdx.com

BEST DELIVERY Portland Pedal Power

738 SE Washington St / 503.764.1415 portlandpedalpower.com Portland Pedal Power is a way of having your tamales, pies and Yumm! bowl come to you without having to worry about any harmful CO2 emissions.

Runner-Up:

Postmates postmates.com Third Place:

Delivery Dudes portland.deliverydudes.com

BEST TOY STORE Finnegan’s

820 SW Washington St 503.221.0306 / finneganstoys.com Portland’s favorite independent toystore steers clear of action figures and Nerf guns, opting instead for books, dolls, tea sets and building blocks.

Runner-Up:

Thinker Toys 7784 SW Capitol Hwy 503.245.3936 thinkertoysoregon.com Third Place:

Kids at Heart Toys 3445 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.231.2954 / kidsathearttoys.com

BEST BOUTIQUE Sloan Boutique

Three locations. sloanpdx.com

This chic women’s boutique’s emphasis on affordable style and convenient locations across the city—and adjoining shoe boutique, plaTform—make it a hit.

Runner-Up:

Farm Spirit 1414 SE Morrison St farmspiritpdx.com

CONT. on page 54 Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

53

Runner-Up:

Naked City 2701 SE Belmont St / 503.239.3837 nakedcityclothing.com

Third Place:

Altar PDX 3279 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.236.6120 / altarpdx.com

Third Place:

Altar PDX 3279 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.236.6120 / altarpdx.com

Third Place:

Crossroads Trading Co. Two locations. crossroadstrading.com

BEST WOMEN’S BOUTIQUE

BEST ANTIQUE / VINTAGE STORE

Sloan Boutique

House of Vintage

Three locations. sloanpdx.com

Great prices are one thing, but Sloan’s attendants also want to make sure you know how to unlock your clothing’s full potential, going so far as to create instructional videos on how to wrap a sweater wrap.

Runner-Up:

Paloma Clothing 6316 SW Capitol Hwy / 503.246.3417 palomaclothing.com Third Place:

Altar PDX 3279 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.236.6120 / altarpdx.com

BEST MEN’S BOUTIQUE Animal Traffic

Two locations. animaltrafficpdx.com

3315 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.236.1991 houseofvintageportland.com

BEST SHOE STORE Imelda’s Shoes and Louie’s Shoes for Men

3426 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.233.7476 / imeldas.com Imelda’s isn’t a place for stilettos or fancy high heels. It’s more of a friendly, no-pressure environment where you go to get your badass bitch boots.

Gilt - Gem Set Love

Third Place:

720 NW 23rd Ave / 503.226.0629 facebook.com/gemsetloves

BEST SPECIALTY SHOP

Whether you’re looking for that special Edwardian platinum ring with diamonds and sapphire filigree engagement ring or perhaps a less gaudy recycled ring using a vintage cast, Gem Set Love has been the place to go for 22 years.

Taxidermy is making a comeback of sorts, as long as the animals are as ethically sourced as the work you’ll find at Paxton Gate.

Runner-Up:

ReRack 2240 NE Sandy Blvd / 503.875.6055 rerackpdx.com Third Place:

Black Star Bags 2033 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.284.4752 / blackstarbags.com

BEST WINDOW DISPLAY Sunlan Lighting

3901 N Mississippi Ave 503.281.0453 / sunlanlighting.com Walking past this Mississippi lighting store at night is like having an unexpected, trippy Christmas Eve every night.

Runner-Up:

Red Light Clothing Exchange 3590 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.963.8888 redlightclothingexchange.com

Runner-Up:

betsy & iya 2403 NW Thurman St 503.227.5482 / betsyandiya.com Third Place:

Gold Door 1434 SE 37th Ave / 503.232.6069 thegolddoor.com

BEST EYEWEAR SHOP Eyes on Broadway

2300 NE Broadway St 503.284.2300 eyesonbroadway.com

Eyes on Broadway is a full service eyewear shop where you can get those thick cat’s eye rims you always wanted.

Runner-Up:

Myoptic 3978 N Williams Ave / 503.493.7070 pdxeyes.com Third Place:

Blink 2719 SE 21st Ave / 503.546.2565 blinkpdx.com

BEST CLOTHING RESALE STORE Buffalo Exchange

Multiple locations. buffaloexchange.com

The rare time when the Portland readers side with the largest clothing consignment store in the country.

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Third Place:

Stars Antiques Mall 7030 SE Milwaukie Ave 503.235.5990 / starsantique.com

City Liquidators

BEST JEWELRY SHOP

Paxton Gate

Grand Marketplace 1005 SE Grand Ave / 503.208.2580 grandmarketplacepdx.com

Third Place.

Runner-Up:

4204 N Mississippi Ave 503.719.4508 / paxtongate.com

Runner-Up:

BEST HOME GOODS STORE

Runner-Up:

PedX 2005 NE Alberta St / 503.460.0760 pedxshoes.com

Machus 542 E Burnside St / 503.206.8626 machusonline.com

There are over 60 vendors in this sprawling 13,000 square foot “house” of vintage clothing, shoes and accessories. It’s less a house than a sprawling warehouse of antiquity.

Clogs-N-More Three locations. / clogsnmore.com

Rugged, sharp, comfortable and above all, durable gear for the outdoors.

John Helmer 969 SW Broadway / 503.223.4976 johnhelmer.com

Runner-Up:

Red Light Clothing Exchange 3590 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.963.8888 redlightclothingexchange.com

Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

823 SE 3rd Ave / 503.230.7716 cityliquidators.com Your one-stop shop to get a patch of PDX carpet and bemoan the loss of old Portland.

BEST HARDWARE STORE Ace Hardware Multiple locations. acehardware.com

This giant hardware store franchise allows local owners like Uptown Hardware to stock their stores with whatever hardware supplies to fit your home-crafting needs.

Runner-Up:

Hippo Hardware 1040 E Burnside St / 503.231.1444 hippohardware.com Third Place:

W.C. Winks Hardware 200 SE Stark St / 503.227.5336 winkshardware.com

BEST GARDEN SUPPLY / NURSERY Portland Nursery

Two locations. portlandnursery.com

Gardening is so much more than just setting plants in soil and occasionally watering them. Portland Nursery offers year-round classes to make sure you don’t run into any surprises in your home garden.

Runner-Up:

Al’s Garden Center Three locations. als-gardencenter.com Third Place:

Garden Fever 3433 NE 24th Ave / 503.287.3200 gardenfever.com

Runner-Up:

Mirador 2106 SE Division St / 503.231.5175 miradorkitchenandhome.com Beam and Anchor 2710 N Interstate Ave / 503.367.3230 beamandanchor.com

BEST FURNITURE

Runner-Up

City Liquidators 823 SE 3rd Ave / 503.230.7716 cityliquidators.com Third Place:

Dania Furniture Co. Two locations / daniafurniture.com

BEST KITCHEN STORE Kitchen Kaboodle

Multiple locations. kitchenkaboodle.com

Kitchen Kaboodle has everything you need to bring your kitchen up to code, yes, but it also has a wide selection of groovy furniture. One could say, Kitchen Kaboodle has the whole kit and kaboodle, but such low-hanging fruit is beneath Willamette Week.

Runner-Up:

Sur La Table Two locations. surlatable.com Third Place:

Mirador 2106 SE Division St / 503.231.5175 miradorkitchenandhome.com

BEST PLACE TO HANG OUT IN NEW SEASONS Deli

There are enough free samples that you could skip lunch.

Runner Up:

Bakery

Third Place:

Produce section

BEST FOOD CO-OP People’s Food Co-op

3029 SE 21st Ave / 503.674.2642 peoples.coop People’s Food is one of those special cooperatives that not only kicked off the trend of communityowned grocery stores, it also hosts the longest-running farmers’ market in town.

Runner-Up:

Alberta Co-op 1500 NE Alberta St / 503.287.4333 alberta.coop Third Place:

Food Front Two locations. foodfront.coop

BEST ETHNIC MARKET Uwajimaya

10500 SW Beaverton Hillsdale Hwy, Beaverton, OR / 503.643.4512 uwajimaya.com

Runner-Up:

Portland Mercado 7238 SE Foster Rd portlandmercado.org

Rerun

Furniture, clothing, jewelry, books, movies, music...you name it and Rerun will help it find a new home.

People’s Food Co-op 3029 SE 21st Ave / 503.674.2642 peoples.coop

The largest Japanese supermarket in the Portland area can be a dangerous place: Go in there without a clear objective and you’ll leave with a cart overflowing with gyoza, soba, sweet, sweet Beard Papa cream puffs, and much, much more.

Third Place:

707 NE Fremont St / 503.517.3786 portlandrerun.com/3/

Third Place:

BEST FLOWER SHOP Sammy’s Flowers

1710 W Burnside St / 503.222.9759 sammysflower.com Sammy’s Flowers offers both traditional arrangements and ones that try to replicate the vibe of the Portland streets they’re named after, from stately Winston Drive to the sleek style of Burnside.

Runner-Up:

New Seasons Market Multiple locations. newseasonsmarket.com Third Place:

Solabee Flowers and Botanicals Two locations. solabeeflowers.com

Third Place:

Fubonn Shopping Center 2850 SE 82nd Ave #80 / (503) 517-8899 fubonn.com

BEST FARMERS MARKET PSU—Portland Farmers Market

SW Park & SW Montgomery portlandfarmersmarket.org/ourmarkets/psu/ The PSU Farmers Market on the South Park Blocks is an ideal way to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon browsing the organic produce while munching a delicious Italian sausage from Salumeria di Carlo.

Runner-Up:

BEST GROCERY STORE New Seasons Market

Multiple locations. newseasonsmarket.com

From their amazing customer service, vibrant produce to delicious samples - New Seasons Market is dedicated to keeping portlanders happy and healthy.

Runner-Up:

Fred Meyer Multiple locations / fredmeyer.com

Hollywood Farmers Market 4420 NE Hancock St / 503.709.7403 hollywoodfarmersmarket.org Third Place:

Woodstock Farmers Market 4600 SE Woodstock Blvd 971.208.5522 woodstockmarketpdx.com

BEST MEAT COUNTER Gartner’s Country Meat Market

7450 NE Killingsworth St 503.252.7801 / gartnersmeats.com

Proudly defending the food chain since 1959, Gartner’s offers an indecently large selection of meat to go along with processing services for people who like their meat a little gamier.

Runner-Up:

Laurelhurst Market 3155 E Burnside St / 503.206.3097 laurelhurstmarket.com Third Place:

New Seasons Market Multiple locations. newseasonsmarket.com

BEST WINE SHOP Division Wines

3564 SE Division St / 503.234.7281 divisionwines.com Over 800 bottles of wine—with an emphasis on small production vineyards—line the shelves of Division Wines, which is half wine retailer, half wine bar and all wine lover.

Runner-Up:

Blackbird Wine Shop 4323 NE Fremont St / 503.282.1887 blackbirdwine.com Third Place:

Vino 137 SE 28th Ave / 503.235.8545 vinobuys.com

BEST BOTTLE SHOP Belmont Station

4500 SE Stark St / 503.232.8538 belmont-station.com Somewhere between the 1,200 bottles and more than 20 rotating taps, the Beer Goddess’ beer bar and bottle shop is the closest you’ll come to reaching true Beervana.

Runner-Up:

John’s Market 3535 SW Multnomah Blvd 503.244.2617 johnsmarketplace.com Third Place:

Portland Bottle Shop 7960 SE 13th Ave / 503.232.5202 pdxbottleshop.com

BEST SMOKE SHOP Rich’s Cigar Store

Two locations. richscigarstore.com

Rich’s Cigar Store is a true throwback, and we’re not just talking about the 1,500 cigar facings and 200 tobacco blends: It has over 2,500 print periodicals on the shelves, too.

Runner-Up:

Third Eye Shoppe 3950 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.232.3393 / 3rdeyeshoppe.com Third Place:

Mary Jane’s House of Glass Multiple locations. maryjaneshouseofglass.net

BEST VAPE SHOP Division Vapor

Two locations. divisionvapor.com

“Vape on, Portland” is the motto for this one-stop shop for Portland’s vaping community.

Runner-Up:

Third Place:

Elements 3340 SE Hawthorne Blvd 971.373.8192 / elementsvape.com

BEST SKATE SHOP Cal’s Pharmacy

1400 E Burnside St / 503.233.1237 calspharmacy.com You won’t find any actual drugs at Cal’s Pharamcy, just dope boards and threads.

Runner-Up:

Shrunken Head 531 SE Morrison St / 503.232.4323 shrunkenheadskateboards.com Third Place:

Daddies 5909 NE 80th Ave / 503.281.5123 daddiesboardshop.com

BEST TATTOO SHOP Atlas Tattoo

4543 N Albina Ave / 503.281.7499 atlastattoo.com From the colorful psychedelia of co-founder Jerry Ware to the Native American-inflected naturalistic work of Cheyenne Sawyer, Atlas Tattoo has been creating some of the city’s best tattoos for nearly 20 years.

Runner-Up:

Wonderland Tattoo 7036 SE 52nd Ave / 971.254.4352 wonderlandpdx.com Third Place:

Adorn Tattoos, Piercing & Jewelry 3941 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.232.6222 / adornbodyart.com

BEST TATTOO ARTIST Alice Kendall— Wonderland Tattoos

7036 SE 52nd Ave / 971.254.4352 wonderlandpdx.com From a mail-order tattoo kit in the early 90s to owning her own tattoo parlor in Portland, Alice Kendall’s illustrative, botanical style has captivated inked up Portlanders.

Runner-Up:

Brynn Sladky—Blacklist Tattoo brynn.tattoo Third Place:

Joanne Martian—Martian Arts Tattoo Studio 3352 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.477.5069 martianartstattoo.com

BEST SEX SHOP She Bop

Two locations. sheboptheshop.com She Bop was founded 7 years ago to go beyond the kitsch seediness of the traditional sex shop by adding an emphasis on education and in creating a sex-positive environment for people of all genders and sexual orientations.

Runner-Up:

Spartacus 300 SW 12th Ave / 503.224.2604 spartacusleathers.com Third Place:

Fantasy for Adults Only Multiple locations. fantasyforadultsonly.com

Merwin’s Vape & Vintage 3611 SE Division St / 503.235.3533 merwinsvape.com CONT. on page 56 Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

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BEST RECORD STORE Music Millennium

3158 E Burnside St / 503.862.8826 musicmillenium.com

BEST PRINT SHOP Morel Ink

4824 NE 42nd Ave / 503.736.0111 morelink.biz

Portland’s oldest record store and most storied has had this category locked down since before Willamette Week came to be.

From T-shirts to posters to backpacks, you name it and Morel Ink will put a print on it.

Runner-Up:

Mississippi Records 5202 N Albina Ave / 503.282.2990

Paperjam Press 4730 NE Fremont St / 503.238.5777 paperjampdx.com

Third Place:

Third Place:

Everyday Music Three locations. everydaymusic.com

BEST MUSICAL INSTRUMENT STORE Trade Up Music

Two locations. tradeupmusic.com

Just because you’re getting a new amp doesn’t mean your old one has to gather dust in your attic. Trade Up Music can help it find a new, loving home.

Runner-Up:

Portland Music Company 531 SE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd 503.226.3719 portlandmusiccompany.com Third Place:

Artichoke Music 3130 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.232.8845 / artichokemusic.org

BEST MOVIE THEATER Hollywood Theatre

4122 NE Sandy Blvd / 503.493.1128 hollywoodtheatre.org You owe it to yourself to see 2001: A Space Odyssey and Lawrence of Arabia in their original 70mm with a beer in hand.

Runner-Up:

Laurelhurst Theater 2735 E Burnside St / 503.232.5511 laurelhursttheater.com Third Place:

Living Room Theater 341 SW 10th Ave / 971.222.2010 livingroomtheaters.com

BEST CAMERA SHOP Pro Photo Supply

1112 NW 19th Ave / 503.241.1112 prophotosupply.com

Runner-Up:

Brown Printing 2245 N Vancouver Ave 503.284.5086 / brownprn.com

BEST CAR DEALERSHIP Wentworth Subaru

400 E Burnside St / 503.963.2540 wentworthsubaru.com Not to be confused with the catchy jingles from JG Wentworth, Wentworth Subaru on Burnside is where Portlanders go to get the city’s signature car.

Runner-Up:

Dick Hannah Multiple locations. / dickhannah.com Third Place:

AAA Oregon Autosource 10365 SE Sunnyside Rd 503.241.6840 aaaoregonautosource.com

BEST USED-CAR DEALERSHIP AAA Oregon Autosource— Larry Heiser

10365 SE Sunnyside Rd 503.241.6840 aaaoregonautosource.com Many of us need cars. Many of us enjoy the thrill of getting a feel for a new (or used) car. It’s just a pity that the act of buying a car is such a pain in the ass. Larry Heiser tries to make this experience as comfortable, quick and painless as possible.

Runner-Up:

Powell Motors 226 NE Grand Ave / 503.233.4889 powellmotors.net Third Place:

Enterprise Car Sales 17300 SE McLoughlin Blvd, Milwaukie, OR / 503.656.1600 enterprisecarsales.com

Pro Photo Supply endeavors to be more than just a photo shop; it’s a gathering spot for Portland’s vibrant photographic community.

Third Place:

Third Place:

BEST AUTO REPAIR Green Drop Garage

Two locations. greendropgarage.com

Green Drop Garage is dedicated to the use of sustainable practices while tuning your car, all the way down to recycled oil.

Runner-Up:

Tom Dwyer Automotive Services 530 SE Tenino St / 503.230.2300 tomdwyer.com Third Place:

Everett Street Auto 509 NW Everett St / 503.221.2411 esautoworks.com

Vespa Portland

2318 NW Vaughn St / 503.222.3779 vespaportland.com

We’ve all driven past a special mural on the side of Vespa Portland along 23rd Avenue. It’s a mural showing an idyllic Portland, a perfect Portland, a Portland where everyone owns a Vespa.

Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

2762 NE Broadway St 503.282.5824 petsonbroadway.com

Portland’s largest independent pet store is here for the city’s entire pet community, handling everything from the well-being of your best friend Oliver Cromwell to donating pet food to local shelters.

Runner-Up:

Meat for Cats and Dogs 2244 E Burnside St / 503.236.6971 meatforcatsanddogs.com Third Place:

OnPoint Community Credit Union

BEST VETERINARY PRACTICE

Multiple locations. onpointcu.com

OnPoint is a local, employee-owned community credit union that tries to be the very opposite of the frustrating, convoluted and impersonal experience of banking with a national titan. tktktk Runner-Up:

Advantis Credit Union Multiple locations / advantiscu.org Third Place:

Rivermark Community Credit Union Multiple locations / rivermarkcu.org

BEST CHILD DAY CARE WeVillage

Multiple locations. wevillage.com WeVillage emphasizes flexibility in its award-winning, play-based daycare service. Once your child is enrolled in the program, you can drop him or her off at any of the four locations whenever you need.

Runner-Up:

Growing Seeds Three locations. growingseeds.net

1828 NW Raleigh St / 503.208.2366 sniffdoghotel.com

BEST MOTORCYCLE DEALER

Pets on Broadway

Salty’s Dog and Cat Shop 4039 N Mississippi Ave #104 503.249.1432 / saltyspetsupply.com

Sniff Dog Hotel

Citizens Photo 3070 NE Sandy Blvd / 503.232.8501 citizensphoto.com

BEST PET STORE

BEST BANK / CREDIT UNION

BEST DOGGIE DAY CARE

Third Place:

Urban Nest Realty Two locations. urbannestpdx.com

Latus Harley-Davidson 11011 N Vancouver Way 503.284.2262 used-harley-davidson-parts.com

ChildRoots 1712 E Burnside St / 503.235.1151 childroots.com

Runner-Up:

Runner-Up:

Living Room Realty Two locations. livingroomre.com

Third Place:

Blue Moon 8417 N Lombard St / 503.978.0333 bluemooncamera.com

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Runner-Up:

Motocorsa 2170 NW Wilson St / 503.292.7488 motocorsa.com

You can catch happy hour at the hotel with your best friend after he’s spent a relaxing day at the salon and spa.

Runner-Up:

LexiDog Boutique 416 NW 10th Ave / 503.243.6200 lexidog.com Third Place:

Dogs Dig It 1132 SE Salmon St / 503.236.8222 dogsdigit.net

Alberta Veterinary Care 1737 NE Alberta Suite 102 503.206.7700 albertaveterinarycare.com

Pet owners love Alberta Veterinary Care’s emphasis on communication, including detailed emails and accessible health information online about your pet after every visit.

Runner-Up:

VCA - North Portland 3000 N Lombard St / 503.285.0462 vcahospitals.com/north-portland Third Place:

Rose City Veterinary 809 SE Powell Blvd / 503.232.3105 rosecityvet.com

BEST REAL ESTATE AGENT Darcie Alexander— Meadows Group

1902 SE Morrison St / 971-227-8244 pdxgreenteam.meadowsgroup.com/ In a hot real estate market like Portland, you need an excellent, understanding agent like Darcie Alexander to help steer you into the house or condo of your dreams at a reasonable price.

Runner-Up:

BEST HOTEL The Nines

525 SW Morrison St / 877.229.9995 thenines.com From the central location to the Urban Farmer to the rooftop bar Departure, the Nines is a unique way to experience Portland.

Runner-Up:

Hotel Deluxe 729 SW 15th Ave / 503.219.2094 hoteldeluxeportland.com Third Place:

Ace Hotel 1022 SW Stark St / 503.228.2277 acehotel.com/portland

BEST SUMMER CAMP Camp Namanu

10300 SE Camp Namanu Rd, Sandy, OR / 503.224.7800 campnamanu.org Camp Namanu exists to fight the summer learning divide for children in between grades. Just an hour east of Portland, it offers an opportunity for kids to swim, make crafts and learn how to ride horseback, alongside many other healthy outdoor activities.

Runner-Up:

Rock & Roll Camp for Girls girlsrockcamp.org Third Place:

Trackers Earth 4617 SE Milwaukie Ave 503.345.3312 / trackerspdx.com

BEST NONPROFIT The Pixie Project

510 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd 503.542.3432 / pixieproject.org

The Pixie Project gets the majority of its animals from overflowing shelters and underserved rural shelters, and gives them the best possible opportunity to find a lifelong match.

Runner-Up:

Mercy Corps NW 43 SW Naito Pkwy / 503.896.5070 mercycorpsnw.org Third Place:

KBOO 20 SE 8th Ave / 503.231.8187 kboo.fm

Laura Wood—Think Real Estate 2923 NE Broadway St 503.847.2722 think-portland.com/about/ouragents/laura-wood Third Place:

Renee DeCuire—PDX Green Team pdxgreenteam.com

BEST REAL ESTATE COMPANY Think Real Estate

2923 NE Broadway St 503.847.2722 / think-portland.com

Think Real Estate is a customeroriented broker that puts in the time and effort to ensure home-buyers find the right fit, location and price.

BEST MUSIC VENUE Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave 503.288.3895 mississippistudios.com

Countless local acts (and a few national ones) have played here since this renovated church opened its doors in 2003, including quite a few of Willamette Week’s 100% certified Best New Bands.

Runner-Up:

Doug Fir Lounge 830 E Burnside St / 503.231.9663 dougfirlounge.com

Third Place:

Tender Loving Empire Three locations. tenderlovingempire.com

Third Place:

McMenamins Crystal Ballroom 1332 W Burnside St / 503.225.0047 mcmenamins.com/CrystalBallroom

BEST OUTDOOR MUSIC VENUE McMenamins Edgefield

2126 SW Halsey St, Troutdale, OR 503.669.8610 mcmenamins.com/edgefield Of all the historic properties McMenamins has renovated, there is none more ambitious than this 74-acre converted farm and poor house just 20 minutes east of Troutdale.

Runner-Up:

Oregon Zoo 4001 SW Canyon Rd / 503.226.1561 oregonzoo.org

BEST RECORDING STUDIO Jackpot! Recording Studio

2420 SE 50th Ave / 503.239.5389 jackpotrecording.com

There aren’t many recording studios in the country that can compete with the list of artists Jackpot! has worked with since opening in 1997, Elliott Smith, Sleater-Kinney and Sonic Youth to name a few.

Runner-Up:

Haywire Recording Studios SE Powell Blvd / 503.775.7795 haywirerecording.com Third Place:

Kung Fu Bakery 2505 SE 36th Ave / 503.239.4939 kungfubakery.net

Third Place:

Tom McCall Waterfront Park Governor Tom McCall Waterfront Park / 503.823.7350

BEST PLACE TO SEE FREE MUSIC Laurelthirst Public House

BEST LOCAL BAND Red Fang

redfang.net

Portland’s sludgy stoner-rockers aren’t afraid to cut self-deprecating music videos with comedians like Brian Posehn and Fred Armisen.

Runner-Up:

2958 NE Glisan St / 503.232.1504 laurelthirst.com

Dirty Revival dirtyrevival.com

Frequented by both the young folks and crunchy Oscar Bluth lookalikes, Laurelthirst offers a mix of old Portland and family-friendly musicians with nary a cover, along with a weekly Americana Brunch.

Third Place:

Runner-Up:

Rontoms Governor Tom McCall Waterfront Park / 503.823.7350 rontoms.net

Die Robot dierobot.net

Runner Up:

Pickathon pickathon.com Third Place:

MusicFestNW Presents Project Pabst portland.projectpabst.com

BEST RECORD LABEL Mississippi Records

5202 N Albina Ave / 503.282.2990 This archivally focused record label has a fittingly low online profile.

You’ll just have to seek out the nearly 300 albums it’s released to find out what all the hubbub is about.

Runner-Up:

Kill Rock Stars 107 SE Washington St. Suite 155 killrockstars.com

Fruition

fruitionband.com Despite its second consecutive win in the Best of Portland readers poll, Fruition has never been fully comfortable with the labels “folk” or “altcountry.” It prefers to think of itself as something simpler: a rock band.

miccrenshaw.com

Cool Nutz facebook.com/CoolNutz Third Place:

Mic Capes soundcloud.com/mic_capes

BEST ROCK / METAL BAND Red Fang

redfang.net

Red Fang isn’t going to out-sexy Queens of the Stone Age but it is going to bowl you over with sheer, mountainous force.

Runner-Up:

Sons of Huns sonsofhuns.com Third Place:

pseudoboss pseudoboss.rocks

BEST INDIE-ROCK BAND The Thermals thethermals.com

The city’s best Indie-Rock Band celebrated the 10th anniversary of its hit album The Body, the Blood, the Machine just a few months ago.

It’s actually hard to remember a Portland before the Thermals.

tions,” Barrett has made Portlanders cry, laugh and rejoice.

international choreographers.

Runner-Up:

BodyVox 1201 NW 17th Ave / 503.229.0627 bodyvox.com Third Place:

Oregon Ballet Theatre 720 SW Bancroft St / 503.227.0977 obt.org

Northwest Dance Project

211 NE 10th Ave / 503.421.7434 nwdanceproject.org

Pagan Jug Band paganjugband.com

Runner-Up:

Third Place:

Runner-Up:

Hammerhead Hammerhead1.bandcamp.com

BodyVox 1201 NW 17th Ave / 503.229.0627 bodyvox.com

BEST BLUES ARTIST

Third Place:

Curtis Salgado

curtissalgado.com

Curtis Salgado has toured with the likes of Carlos Santana and Bonnie Raitt. Salgado was also an inspiration for the Blues Brothers after meeting John Belushi in Eugene during the filming of Animal House.

Runner-Up:

Karen Lovely karenlovely.com Third Place:

Lloyd Jones lloydjonesmusic.com

909 SW Washington St 503.228.1353 / orsymphony.org

Founded in 1896, the Oregon Symphony is the oldest symphony on the West Coast and it was also one of the first nationally to hire an African-American conductor. The late James DePriest turned it into a nationally acclaimed group during his 23 years at the helm.

Runner-Up:

Joshua Bell joshuabell.com Third Place:

Cult of Orpheus cultoforpheus.org

BEST JAZZ ARTIST Esperanza Spalding

Ecdysiast: A Pole Dance Studio 326 SE Madison St / 503.231.2542 ecdysiaststudio.com

Runner-Up:

Mel Brow

Third Place:

Moongriffin moongriffin.bandcamp.com

Helium Comedy Club

1510 SE 9th Ave / 888.643.8669 portland.heliumcomedy.com The Helium may present national comedians on consistent basis, but it hasn’t forgotten the local scene with events like the summer Portland’s Funniest Person contest.

Runner-Up:

Funhouse Lounge 2432 SE 11th Ave / 503.841.6734 funhouselounge.com Third Place:

Curious Comedy Theater 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd 503.477.9477 / curiouscomedy.org

Portland Center Stage

128 NW 11th Ave / 503.445.3700 pcs.org

Founded originally as the northern outpost of the Oregon Shakespeare Festival, Portland Center Stage presents a mix of classics like A Streetcar Named Desire and more contemporary work like Sex with Strangers.

Runner-Up:

Artists Repertory Theatre 1515 SW Morrison St / 503.241.1278 artistsrep.org Third Place:

Portland Playhouse 602 NE Prescott St / 503.488.5822 portlandplayhouse.org

BEST ACTOR Vin Shambry vinshambry.com

Powerful, sensual and blessed with a tremendous voice, Vin Shambry has delighted Portland crowds for years, with some time on Broadway in-between.

Runner-Up:

Sasha Roiz facebook.com/sasharoiz Third Place:

BEST COMEDY NIGHT Lez Stand Up— Curious Comedy

5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd 503.477.9477 facebook.com/LezStandUp

Comedy is an art form heavily influenced by the comedian’s point of view, and Lez Stand Up is a rare opportunity to experience an exclusively lesbian comedy show. They’re all women. They’re all gay. They’re all funny as hell.

Runner-Up:

It’s Gonna Be Okay - The Eastburn 1800 E Burnside St / 503.236.2876 eastburn.pagecloud.com Third Place:

Earthquake Hurricane - Velo Cult 1969 NE 42nd Ave / 503.922.2012 earthquakehurricane.com

Katie Michels katiemichels.com

BEST ONGOING COMEDY EVENT

BEST PLAYWRIGHT

Bridgetown Comedy Festival bridgetowncomedy.com

William Shakespeare

An annual comedy festival organized and booked by comedians for comedians, ensuring the very best of the Portland comedy scene takes center stage.

Euripides was robbed!

Runner-Up:

Matt Stanger Third Place:

Alex Haslett

BEST DANCE COMPANY

BEST SPOKEN WORD / STORYTELLER

Northwest Dance Project

Brianna Barrett

Portland’s largest dance company is known for its intense, daring performances and its frequent collaborations with contemporary

Brianna Barrett’s storytelling career began with the darkest story: a Hodgkin’s lymphoma diagnosis in 2013. From video series documenting her fight with cancer to “36 Perfectly Appropriate Dinner Conversa-

211 NE 10th Ave / 503.421.7434 nwdanceproject.org

Third Place:

Jay Flewelling jayflewelling.com

BEST PLACE TO SEE THEATER

esperanzaspalding.com

This jazz bassist, singer and homegrown musical prodigy first reached national fame when she beat out Justin Bieber for Best New Musical Artist at the 53rd Grammy Awards.

Runner-Up:

Mindy Nettifee thecultofmindy.com

BEST COMEDY CLUB

BEST DANCE STUDIO

Portland’s best dance company also hosts daily classes open on a dropin basis to a public thirsty to learn how to dance everything from ballet to the nae nae.

Oregon Symphony

BEST MUSIC FESTIVAL

Even Hobo Pirates drop anchor off the shore to catch this annual concert along the waterfront.

BEST FOLK BAND

Mic Crenshaw

Runner-Up:

Tom McCall Waterfront Park waterfrontbluesfest.com

Summer Cannibals summercannibals.com

BEST CLASSICAL ARTIST

Third Place:

Waterfront Blues Festival

Third Place:

BEST HIP HOP ARTIST

Since coming to Portland in 1992, Mic Crenshaw has been heavily involved not only in the rap scene but also as an activist, outreach coordinator with KBOO and an ambassador for the local hip hop community.

PDX Pop Now! pdxpopnow.com

Runner-Up:

Typhoon wearetyphoon.com

CONT. on page 58

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Runner-Up:

Lez Stand Up—Curious Comedy 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd 503.477.9477 facebook.com/LezStandUp Third Place:

Keet It Like a Secret—Jackpot Recording Studio 2420 SE 50th Ave / 503.239.5389

BEST INDEPENDENT ART GALLERY Disjecta

8371 N Interstate Ave / 503.286.9449 disjecta.org Since 2000, not-for-profit Disjecta has worked tirelessly to provide exhibition space for boundary-pushing contemporary artists.

Runner-Up:

Blue Sky 122 NW 8th Ave / 503.225.0210 blueskygallery.org

www.oldwestcoastlightingcompany.com

Third Place:

Blackfish Gallery 420 NW 9th Ave / 503.224.2634 blackfish.com

BEST PLACE TO BUY ART Portland Saturday Market

BEST COMEDIAN

2 SW Naito Pkwy / (503) 241-4188 portlandsaturdaymarket.com

Bri Pruett

Even those of us who don’t know or care much about art have a clay goblin mask purchased at the Saturday Market hanging on our living room wall.

bripruett.com

WW contributor Penelope Bass perhaps best described Pruett when she was named in the Funniest Five in 2013: “[She’s] like a childhood friend who makes you pee a little when she catches you off-guard with a joke about her pussy.”

Crafty Wonderland 808 SW 10th Ave / 503.224.9097 craftywonderland.com

Runner-Up:

Third Place:

Curtis Cook curtiscookcomedy.com Third Place:

Belinda Carroll belindacarroll.org

BEST MUSEUM Portland Art Museum

1219 SW Park Ave / 503.226.2811 portlandartmuseum.org Between a permanent collected 42,000 works of art large, a consistent lineup of major traveling exhibitions and the Northwest Film Center, the Portland Art Museum has something to fill anyone with wonder.

Runner-Up

OMSI 1945 SE Water Ave / 503.797.4000 omsi.edu Third Place:

Oregon Historical Society 1200 SW Park Ave / 503.222.1741 ohs.org

BEST ARTS FESTIVAL TBA festival—PICA

415 SW 10th Ave #300 / 503.242.1419 pica.org/programs/tba-festival Performance and visual artists from all around converge in Portland for the annual Time-Based Art Festival, creating a myriad of installations, temporary galleries and unexpected public spaces for art.

Runner-Up:

Portland Saturday Market 2 SW Naito Pkwy / (503) 241-4188 portlandsaturdaymarket.com Third Place:

Wordstock literary-arts.org/what-we-do/wordstock

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Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

Runner-Up:

The Real Mother Goose Four locations. therealmothergoose.com

BEST PLACE TO MAKE ART SCRAP

1736 SW Alder St / 503.294.0769 scrappdx.org SCRAP is more than a studio that offers regular workshops for aspiring artists and hobby; it’s a place where people learn the beauty of recycling, reducing and reusing.

Runner-Up:

Independent Publishing Resources 1001 SE Division St / 503.827.0249 iprc.org Third Place:

Artistic Portland 318 SW Taylor / 503.206.4631 artisticportland.com

BEST VISUAL ARTIST Evanem

evanem.com Evanem’s handmade stencil art isn’t the kind of art you buy at an art gallery and hang on your wall, it’s the kind you can wear around town with pride. We recommend the Digital Dame Time tee.

Runner-Up:

Jo Hamilton johamiltonart.com Third Place:

Pony Reinhardt tenderfootstudio.com

BEST FILMMAKER Gus Van Sant You can see signs around town marking locations where Gus Van Sant shot scenes for films like Drugstore Cowboy. The rest of the country may know him as the director of Good Will Hunting, but we know him as Portland’s homegrown auteur.

Runner-Up:

Portland where this 1907 Victorian performance hall was built.

Third Place:

The Bye and Bye 1011 NE Alberta St / 503.281.0537 thebyeandbye.com

Alicia Rose aliciajrosephotography.com Jessica Scalise scalisepics.com

Best Film Festival Portland International Film Festival

Runner-Up:

Third Place:

The Liquor Store 3341 SE Belmont St / 503.754.7782 theliquorstorepdx.com

930 SW Salmon St / 503.221.1156 nwfilms.org/festivals

Best New Bar

From Best Foreign Picture nominees to low-budget Bulgarian flicks about honesty and integrity, PIFF provides an incredible opportunity to experience the international cinemascape.

The Liquor Store

Runner-Up:

HUMP! humpfilmfest.com Third Place:

3341 SE Belmont St / 503.754.7782 theliquorstorepdx.com It is, oddly enough, this cozy Belmont establishment’s second consecutive year of being voted the Best New Bar by Willamette Week readers.

Runner-Up:

Portland Film Festival portlandfilmfestival.com

Bit House Saloon 727 SE Grand Ave / 503.954.3913 bithousesaloon.com

Best Clothing Designer

Third Place:

Michelle Lesniak

Victoria Bar 4835 N Albina Ave / victoriapdx.com

michellelesniak.com

Best Dive Bar

This thrift store and wine enthusiastturned-fashion designer won season 11 of Project Runway.

2430 SE Division St / 503.231.3880

Runner-Up:

Elizabeth Dye elizabethdye.com Third Place:

Cassie Ridgway

Best Zine She Shreds

sheshredsmag.com She Shreds is old meets new: a zine dedicated to highlighting, describing and changing the way we look at women guitarists and bassists.

Runner-Up:

Vortex vtrxmag.com Third Place:

PORK Magazine facebook.com/porkmagazine

Best Local Web Series The Benefits of Gusbandry Alicia J. Rose’s fitfully funny web-series follows the trials and adventures of Jackie and River in Portland, focusing on the special relationship between a woman and a gay man. Jackie isn’t River’s beard; he is her gusband.

Runner-Up:

Pedal Powered Talk Show pedaltalkshow.com Third Place:

Catty B’s facebook.com/cattybs

Reel M Inn

The secret to a good dive bar is a big deep fryer and a catchy name.

Reel M Inn has both in spades.

Runner-Up:

Club 21 2035 NE Glisan St / 503.235.5690 Third Place

Low Brow Lounge 1036 NW Hoyt St / 503.226.0200

Best Sports Bar Spirit of 77

500 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd 503.232.9977 / spiritof77bar.com

Named for the year that Bill Walton, Mo Lucas and the Blazers gave the city its first championship, the open space, giant screen and rowdy atmosphere make Spirit of 77 feel more like a gym with booze than a sports bar.

Runner-Up:

Blitz Multiple locations. blitzsportspubs.com Third Place:

Claudia’s 3006 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.232.1744 / claudiaspub.com

Best LGBT Bar Crush

1400 SE Morrison St / 503.235.8150 crushbar.com Crush prides itself on being the friendliest, most inclusive gay bar in town, right down to the three bathrooms: one with a two man sign, one with two women, and one with a man and a woman.

Runner-Up:

The Lovecraft Bar 421 SE Grand Ave thelovecraftbar.com

Best Bar The Secret Society

116 NE Russell St / 503.493.3600 secretsociety.net

The old-fashioned cocktails, prohibition era music and black and white photos at the Secret Society all combine to take you back to the

Third Place:

CC Slaughters 219 NW Davis St / 503.248.9135 ccslaughterspdx.com

Best Cocktail Lounge Sapphire Hotel

5008 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.232.6333 thesapphirehotel.com Billed as a sexy cocktail lounge, this former seedy hotel lounge’s extensive menu runs the gamut from sweet libations with Pop Rocks to a PBR with Worcestershire and Tapatio mixed in.

Runner-Up:

The Secret Society 116 NE Russell St / 503.493.3600 secretsociety.net Third Place:

Rum Club 720 SE Sandy Blvd / 503.265.8807 rumclubpdx.com

Best Date Bar Sapphire Hotel

5008 SE Hawthorne Blvd / 503.232.6333 thesapphirehotel.com Cocktails, mood lighting and ubiquitous blood red coloring create an unquestionably sexy atmosphere, even if the coy couple nearby doesn’t seem to be taking advantage of it.

Runner-Up:

Aalto Lounge 3356 SE Belmont St / 503.235.6041 aaltolounge.com

Best Stripper

Runner-Up:

Hazel Grace

Devils Point 5305 SE Foster Rd / 503.774.4513 devilspointbar.com

Third Place:

Not to be confused with the cancerstricken protagonist of The Fault in Our Stars, you can find this dazzling brunette at Devil’s Point. If you’re lucky, you just might get to share the stage with her at Stripperaoke.

Best Place to Shoot Pool

Runner-Up:

Elle Stanger Lucky Devil Lounge 633 SE Powell Blvd / 503.206.7350 luckydevillounge.com Third Place:

Pixie Devils Point 5305 SE Foster Rd / 503.774.4513 devilspointbar.com

Best Beer Selection on Tap APEX

1216 SE Division St / 503.273.9227 apexbar.com

Best Casino Spirit Mountain Casino

27100 Salmon River Hwy, Grand Ronde, OR / 503.879.2350 spiritmountain.com Less than two hours southwest of Portland, you can gamble, smoke indoors and wait in buffet lines with septuagenarians to your heart’s delight.

Runner-Up:

Chinook Winds 1777 NW 44th St, Lincoln City, OR 888.244.6665 chinookwindscasino.com Third Place:

Devils Point 5305 SE Foster Rd / 503.774.4513 devilspoint.net

Best Strip Club Sassy’s

927 SE Morrison St / 503.231.1606 sassysbar.com With 30 odd taps of grossly underpriced beer—everything is only $2.50 a pint during happy hour— Sassy’s is a hell of a bar. There just also happens to be talented naked women performing advanced acrobatic maneuvers in front of a refreshingly mix-gendered crowd.

Runner-Up:

Devils Point 5305 SE Foster Rd / 503.774.4513 devilspoint.net Third Place:

Casa Diablo 2839 NW St Helens Rd 503.222.6600 / casadiablo.com

The Nest 2715 SE Belmont St / 503.764.9023

Goodfoot Pub & Lounge 2845 SE Stark St / 503.239.9292 thegoodfoot.com

Four pool stables and stiff drinks, just like how Fast Eddie would have wanted it.

Runner-Up:

Rialto 529 SW 4th Ave / 503.228.7605 rialtopoolroom.com Third Place:

Sam’s Billiards 1845 NE 41st Ave / 503.282.8266 portlandpoolhall.com

Best Place to Dance Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St / 503.239.7639 holocene.org

Fifty taps. Need we say more?

Runner-Up:

Bailey’s Taproom 213 SW Broadway / 503.295.1004 baileystaproom.com Third Place:

WW readers’ favorite place to dance is also coincidentally a killer concert hall and wedding venue.

Runner-Up:

Loyal Legion 710 SE 6th Ave / 503.235.8272 loyallegionpdx.com

Goodfoot Pub & Lounge 2845 SE Stark St / 503.239.9292 thegoodfoot.com

Third Place:

The Secret Society 116 NE Russell St / 503.493.3600 secretsociety.net

Rontoms 600 E Burnside St / 503.236.4536 rontoms.net

Third Place:

Best Happy Hour

Crystal Ballroom 1332 W Burnside St / 503.225.0047 mcmenamins.com/CrystalBallroom

Gold Dust Meridian 3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.239.1143 golddustmeridian.com

Best Pinball Spot

The happy hour deals at this Hawthorne joint don’t really stand out (50 cents off wells and pints, $1 off wine) until you notice the hours: 2 to 8 pm every day, all day Sunday.

Runner-Up:

Aalto Lounge 3356 SE Belmont St / 503.235.6041 aaltolounge.com Third Place:

RingSide Steakhouse 2165 W Burnside St / 503.223.1513 ringsidesteakhouse.com

Ground Kontrol

511 NW Couch St / 503.796.9364 groundkontrol.com

The second floor has a collection of fantastic machines themed after movies and TV shows that time forgot, like the mid-90s Alec Baldwin vehicle, the Shadow.

Runner-Up:

C Bar 2880 SE Gladstone St 503.230.8808 / cbarportland.com Third Place:

Paymaster Lounge 1020 NW 17th Ave / 503.943.2780 paymasterlounge.com

Best Place to Play Darts Horse Brass Pub

4534 SE Belmont St / 503.232.2202 horsebrass.com It’s only fitting that darts, the finest pub game, is best played at Horse Brass, Portland’s finest pub.

Runner-Up:

Moon and Sixpence 2014 NE 42nd Ave / 503.288.7802 Third Place:

Triple Nickel Pub 3646 SE Belmont St / 503.234.7215

Best Drag Show Darcelle’s

208 NW 3rd Ave / 503.222.5338 darcellexv.com This drag show has been going strong since the titular Darcelle XV, the most venerable drag queen on the West Coast and former Grand Marshall of the Rose Festival, founded the Showplace nearly 40 years ago.

Runner-Up:

Crush - Death of Glitter Cabinet 1400 SE Morrison St / 503.235.8150 crushbar.com

Best Place to Play Pingpong Pips & Bounce

833 SE Belmont St / 503.928.4664 pipsandbounce.com

cont. on page 60

Pips & Bounce is really more of a ping pong club that also happens to serve booze and Korean fusion tacos.

Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

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Third Place:

The Embers Avenue 110 NW Broadway / 503.222.3082 theembersavenue.com

BEST KARAOKE Voicebox

Two locations / voiceboxpdx.com Voicebox’s private rooms allow karaoke to be a more personal experience for a few friends, even those who may feel self-conscious, to sing “Midnight Train” together.

Runner-Up:

Chopsticks Two locations. chopstickskaraoke.com Third Place:

Stripparaoke—Devils Point 5305 SE Foster Rd / 503.774.4513 devilspoint.net

BEST TRIVIA NIGHT Geeks Who Drink Multiple Locations. geekswhodrink.com

Geeks Who Drink is a group dedicated to bringing trivia, the thinking man’s pub game, to bars all across the country.

Runner-Up:

ShanRock’s Triviology Multiple locations. shanrockstrivia.com

BEST BARTENDER Andrew Moore Aalto Lounge

Look no further than the cocktail menu at this stylish midcentury lounge (and packed happy hour spot) to understand why bartender and manager Andrew Moore was named the Best Bartender in Portland.

Runner-Up:

Melissa Lucky Devil Lounge 633 SE Powell Blvd / 503.206.7350 luckydevillounge.com Third Place:

Jesse Lundlin The Secret Society 116 NE Russell St / 503.493.3600 secretsociety.net

BEST PARTY OF THE YEAR Red Dress Party It’s that one night a year when Portlanders come together to put on red dresses and dance their asses off.

Runner-Up:

Feast Portland feastportland.com Third Place:

Stranger Disco

BEST JUKEBOX The Florida Room

435 N Killingsworth St / 503.287.5658

Not every bar bans Elton John and James Taylor from its jukebox like the Florida Room, but maybe they should.

Runner-Up:

Beulahland 118 NE 28th Ave / 503.235.2794 beulahlandpdx.com Third Place:

Slow Bar 533 SE Grand Ave / 503.230.7767 slowbar.net

BEST DJ DJ Anjali & the Incredible Kid

anjaliandthekid.com

DJ Anjali & the Incredible Kid first introduced Portland to the driving beats of bhangra, Bollywood and Global Bass on New Year’s Eve in 2000.

Runner-Up:

DJ Wicked justplainterror.com Third Place:

DJ Gregarious djgregarious.com

BEST RADIO PERSONALITY Christa Wessel—All Classical Portland allclassical.org

Avid camper, French horn player and former “Mayor of Divaville” Christa Wessel’s calm, reassuring voice and insightful interviews provide an ideal gateway into classical music for many Portlanders.

WW readers love their local NBC affiliate.

Runner-Up:

KATU 2153 NE Sandy Blvd / 503.231.4222 katu.com Third Place:

KOIN 222 SW Columbia St / 503.464.0600 koin.com

BEST LOCAL NEWS REPORTER Brenda Braxton

KGW

107.1 XRAY FM xray.fm

By Portland, for Portland, 107.1 XRAY FM gives a “boom mic” to local thinkers, comedians and journalists while also playing music curated by over 80 local DJs. Runner-Up:

All Classical Portland allclassical.org Third Place:

94.7 KNRK 947.fm

BEST RADIO STATION (TALK) opb.org/radio

To go along with nationally syndicated programs like All Things Considered, OPB allows Portland listeners to learn about and confront local issues and culture through Think Out Loud and State of Wonder.

Runner-Up:

KBOO kboo.fm Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

Best Ongoing Comedy Event: “Portland City Council.”

Third Place:

BEST LOCAL RADIO SHOW The Score—All Classical Portland allclassical.org

Edmund Stone’s deep dive into the history of classical music and film scores is a must listen for music lovers and cinephiles alike.

Third Place:

John Sepulvado OPB Steph Stricklen KGW

BEST LOCAL METEOROLOGIST

Runner-Up:

Third Place:

Best Coffee Roaster: “This coffee beats the hell out of ‘Char Bucks’”

Matt Zaffino

KGW

Whether you’re wondering if you should bring an umbrella or just curious about weather at the bitch beach this weekend, Matt Zaffino is Portland’s most trusted voice in weather.

Runner-Up:

Bike Portland

BEST RADIO STATION (MUSIC)

BEST BOP TROLL

Best Paleo Options: “Stop pretending this is a thing.”

Contessa de la Luna - KBOO soundcloud.com/contessa-1

Oregon Public Broadcasting provides a healthy range of local, national and international programming to keep your mind sharp and informed.

All Classical Portland allclassical.org

Portland Mercury portlandmercury.com

Looks like those clowns on City Council did it again.

Andy Carson KPTV

Third Place:

Third Place:

Runner-Up:

BEST LOCAL BLOG

107.1 XRAY FM xray.fm

Runner-Up

PDX Pipeline pdxpipeline.com

Third Place:

opb.org/radio

Runner-Up:

wweek.com

Aw, shucks, you guys.

Portlanders have been waking up with Brenda Braxton as their morning anchor for over a quarter of a century.

Heavy Breather—XRAY heavybreather.net

OPB

Willamette Week

Runner-Up:

Rhonda Shelby KATU

BEST RADIO STATION

BEST PORTLAND EVENTS CALENDAR

Daria, Mitch & Ted - The Buzz 1051thebuzz.com/shows/daria-mitchand-ted

Daria, Mitch & Ted—The Buzz 1051thebuzz.com/shows/daria-mitchand-ted

OPB

60

XRAY.FM xray.fm

Runner-Up:

Third Place:

Lake Theater & Cafe 106 N State St, Lake Oswego, OR 503.387.3236 laketheatercafe.com

Third Place:

Third Place:

BEST HAIR SALON Bishops Barbershop

Multiple locations. bishopsbs.com

Trendy, tattooed hair stylists may not be the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks of a hair salon, but Bishops provides every service you’d find at one. They also give you a beer.

Runner-Up:

Ginger Salon Two locations. gingersalon.com

bikeportland.org

Bike Portland has been educating, helping and advocating for Portland’s bike culture for over a decade now.

Third Place:

Runner-Up:

da:da HAIR 1615 SE 12th Ave / 971.888.5281 dadahair.com

Third Place:

BEST NAIL SALON

Oh Joy Sex Toy ohjoysextoy.com Blogtown PDX portlandmercury.com/blogtown

BEST LOCAL PODCAST Funemployment Radio

4110 SE Hawthorne Blvd #207 503.575.9120 funemploymentradio.com In the seven years since recording a podcast a week after losing their jobs in 2009, Greg Nibler and Sarah X Dylan’s Funemployment Radio has gained national acclaim and spawned its own funny, crazy and sometimes profane podcast network.

Runner-Up:

Between the Covers kboo.org/program/between-covers Third Place:

Finger Bang

BEST LOCAL CELEBRITY The Unipiper

facebook.com/theunipiper New York has Frank Sinatra, Cleveland has Drew Carey, and Portland has a kilt-wearing dude playing bagpipes on a unicycle.

Runner-Up

Storm Large stormlarge.com

Third Place:

Mississippi Nails and Spa 851 N Failing St / 503.206.4951 mississippinailsandspa.com

BEST LOCAL ATHLETE

BEST WAXING SALON

Damian Lillard

BEST LOCAL TV NEWSCAST

After an all-star snub this past season, Dame DOLLA led the Blazers on an improbably run to the second round of the playoffs all while also juggling a rap career.

From the morning traffic cast to Canzano and Joey “Heisman” Harrington tucking you in at night with sports analysis,

Runner-Up:

Color Treats 4th floor, 615 SW Broadway 503.974.6245 / colortreats.com

Darcelle darcellexv.com

Portland Trail Blazers

KGW

From the name alone, you know Finger Bang is the relaxed nail salon that doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s a place where you can be as free and creative with your nails as you want.

Third Place:

The Future of What killrockstars.com/thefutureofwhat

1501 SW Jefferson Street kgw.com

2725 NE Sandy Blvd / 503.477.9814 fingerbangpdx.com

Runner-Up:

CJ McCollum Portland Trail Blazers Third Place:

Diego Valeri Portland Timbers

Urban Waxx

Three locations. urbanwaxx.com

There’s no time like bikini and speedo season to make sure your fur is as shorn or shaped as you like it. Urban Waxx is here to make it as professional and painless as possible.

Runner-Up:

Sugar Me Two locations. sugarmeportland.com

Third Place:

Wax On Spa Two locations / waxon.com

BEST TANNING SALON Organic Bronze Bar

Three locations in the Portland area. organicbronzebar.com We all remember the creepy orange tint when home spray tans were all the rage, but Organic Bronze Bar proves that a hand-applied spray tan can look healthy, organic and above all, natural.

Runner-Up:

Tan Republic Multiple locations. tanrepublic.com Third Place:

Palm Beach Tan Multiple locations. palmbeachtan.com

BEST BARBERSHOP Bishops Barbershop

Multiple locations. bishopsbs.com

Maybe it’s the punk aesthetic. Maybe it’s the modest price. Maybe it’s the complimentary can of Montucky Cold Snack. Whatever it is, Bishops Barbershop is WW readers’ favorite barbershop and hair salon.

Runner-Up:

Rudy’s Barbershop Three locations.

Third Place:

Heritage Barbershop 2137 E Burnside St / 503.899.7066 heritagebarbershop.com

BEST SPA Löyly

2713 SE 21st Ave / 503.236.6850 loyly.net Taking its name from the Finnish word for the steam that rises when water is thrown on the hot coals in a sauna, Löyly is a fully relaxed communal experience.

Runner-Up:

Dosha Multiple locations / dosha.org Third Place:

The Dragontree 2768 NW Thurman St / 503.221.4123 thedragontree.com

BEST MASSAGE Common Ground Wellness Center

5010 NE 33rd Ave / 503.238.1065 cgwc.org

Common Ground’s “Massage Sandwich” is perhaps the best massage package in town. For a reasonable price, you can bookend your massage with time spent in the sauna or WW readers’ choice for Best Soaking Pool.

Runner-Up:

The Dragontree 2768 NW Thurman St / 503.221.4123 thedragontree.com Third Place:

Löyly 2713 SE 21st Ave / 503.236.6850 loyly.net

BEST FLOAT TANK

BEST ACUPUNCTURIST

Float On

Inner Gate Acupuncture

4530 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.384.2620 / floathq.com Float On is an inspirational local tale: it grew from an idea discussed over beers to the largest float tank on the West Coast in less than half a year.

Runner-Up:

The Float Shoppe 1515 NW 23rd Ave / 503.719.4743 floatshoppe.com Third Place:

The Everett House 2917 NE Everett St / 503.232.6161 everetthousehealingcenter.com

BEST SOAKING POOL Common Ground Wellness Center

5010 NE 33rd Ave / 503.238.1065 cgwc.org What sets this cooperative’s soaking pool apart is less the clothing optional aspect and more the concerted effort to make sure everyone feels comfortable through the establishments culture and designated men and women-only hours.

Runner-Up:

Ruby’s Spa at Edgefield 2126 SW Halsey St, Troutdale, OR 503.665.1357 mcmenamins.com/389-edgefieldruby-s-spa-home Third Place:

Soaking Pool at Kennedy School 5736 NE 33rd Ave / 503.249.3983 www.mcmenamins.com/166-kennedy-school-soaking-pool

BEST DENTIST Laurelhurst Dentistry

2520 E Burnside St / 503.233.3622 laurelhurstdentistry.com Going to the dentist is rarely something we actually want to do, but one patient perhaps best described the Laurelhurst Dental experience: “They made the ‘dreaded semiannual cleaning’ not so dreaded anymore.”

Runner-Up:

Bling Dental 5736 NE 33rd Ave / 503.249.3983 blingdental.com Third Place:

Gentle Dental Multiple locations / gentle1.com

BEST CHIROPRACTOR

1421 SE Ankeny St / 503.284.6996 innergateacupuncture.com

Inner Gate’s healthy mix of acupuncture, Tui na massage and Chinese herbalism is good for what ails you, whether you’re suffering from stress or sports-related physical distress.

Runner-Up:

Acupuncture For Wellness 2100 SE Lake Rd, Milwaukie, OR 503.786.0771 acupunctureforwellness.net Third Place:

Kine Fischler - Willow Tree Wellness 1607 NE 16th Ave / 503.281.0030 willowtreeclinic.com

BEST NATUROPATH Dr. Casey Carpenter, ND, LAc—Portland Natural Medicine

516 SE Morrison St #207 503.239.1022 portlandnaturalmedicine.org drcaseycarpenter.com

Dr Casey Carpenter will try whatever it takes—botanical medicine, diet, Chinese medicine, acupuncture and even pharmaceutical intervention— to treat the physiological root of your disease.

Runner-Up:

Dr. David Naimon, ND, LAc 1607 NE 16th Ave / 503.281.0030 drnaimon.com Third Place:

Dr. Heather Friedman, ND, LAc— The Bodhi Tree Clinic 2161 NE Broadway St / 503.593.7274 drheatherfriedman.com

BEST GYM Fulcrum Fitness

3934 NE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd 503.956.2513 / fulcrumfitness.com Not every gym would brand itself as a boot camp, but also not every gym fosters the kind of community to help encourage you on your quest to fitness. This is what sets Fulcrum apart.

Multiple locations. barre3.com Combine ballet barre, yoga and Pilates and you get Barre3’s unique, balanced workout.

Springwater Corridor Most of the 21 miles of the Springwater Corridor are paved, leading you from Portland to Gresham with a homeless cat shelter or two along the way.

Runner-Up:

Banks-Vernonia State Trail Third Place:

Runner-Up:

Pacific NW Pilates 5201 SW Westgate Dr #114 503.292.4409 / pacificnwpilates.com

Marine Drive

Third Place:

Tom McCall Waterfront Park

Studio Blue Two locations / studiobluepdx.com

BEST PLACE TO RUN

The Waterfront / 503.823.7350

BEST CROSSFIT

A great place to run and be seen, just keep an eye out for goose shit.

CrossFit Magnus

Runner-Up:

930 SE Taylor St / 503.719.6028 crossfitmagnus.com “CrossFit Magnus” might be the most apt name for the country’s most popular way of getting swole.

Runner-Up:

Forest Park West Hills forestparkconservatory.org/forestpark Third Place:

Mt Tabor Park Mount Tabor

Fulcrum Fitness Two locations. fulcrumfitness.com

BEST FAMILY OUTING

Third Place:

CrossFit 503 6050 SW Macadam Ave 503.564.8708 / crossfit503.com

BEST PARK

Oregon Coast Instead of specifying a specific town or area, WW readers have correctly recognized that the whole coast is good. (But, really, you should go crabbing off the docks in Newport.)

Runner-Up:

Forest Park

West Hills forestparkconservatory.org/forestpark The largest urban forest in the United States is also the best park in Portland.

Runner-Up:

Mt. Tabor Park Mount Tabor

Oregon Zoo 4001 SW Canyon Rd / 503-226-1561 oregonzoo.org Third Place:

OMSI 1945 SE Water Ave omsi.edu

BEST SWIMMING SPOT Sauvie Island

sauvieisland.org

Third Place:

There are plenty of places to go for a swim on the largest island along the Columbia River. Be on the look out for Cancer Fish.

Runner-Up:

Thousand Acre Dog Park

Sandy River Third Place:

Clackamas River

Crown Point Hwy, Troutdale, OR 503.695.2372

True to its name, this scenic park at the Sandy River Delta has 1,000 acres of woods, fields, wetlands and mud for your best friend to run wild.

BEST SKATEPARK Burnside Skatepark

SE 2nd Ave

Originally built by Portland skaters without the city’s approval, Burnside has been featured on Tony Hawk games

Runner-Up:

Mt Tabor Dog Park 6336 SE Lincoln St

Runner-Up:

Bridgetown Chiropractic and Wellness Three locations. bridgetownchiropractic.com

Barre3

BEST DOG PARK

Equilibrium’s evidence-based approach to the art of chiropractic care—along with massage and acupuncture service—won over WW readers. tktktk

Third Place:

Angel’s Rest

BEST PLACE TO BIKE

BEST PILATES STUDIO

Third Place:

913 SW 16th Ave / 503.228.5000 equilibriumnw.com

Third Place:

YoYoYogi 1306 NW Hoyt St #101 503.688.5120 / yoyoyogi.com

Laurelhurst Park 3756 SE Oak St / 503.823.2525

Peak Condition 2214 NE Oregon St / 971.258.1010 peakconditionpdx.com

Runner-Up:

Eagle Creek

Third Place:

Runner-Up:

Warrior Room Two locations / warriorroom.org

Equilibrium

Dr Kingston—Mt. Tabor Chiropractic Clinic 4351 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.236.1528 mttaborchiropractic.com

Runner-Up:

The Bhaktishop Yoga Center 2500 SE 26th Ave / 503.244.0108 thebhaktishop.com

Third Place:

Laurelhurst Park 3756 SE Oak St / 503.823.2525

BEST YOGA STUDIO The People’s Yoga

Two locations. thepeoplesyoga.org

The People’s Yoga was founded on the belief that health, balance and well-being is a human right that shouldn’t be financially restrictive.

BEST PLACE TO HIKE

CONT. on page 62

Forest Park

West Hills forestparkconservatory.org/forestpark Forest Park has over 80 miles of trails to explore and/or ride your horse through.

Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

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Runner-Up:

THANK YOU FOR VOTING FOR US AS PORTLAND’S

BEST SUSHI & BEST PLACE TO EAT SUSTAINABLY WE APPRECIATE YOUR SUPPORT!

Stop by each of our four locations!

404 SW 12th Avenue, 836 NW 23rd Ave, 310 SE 28th Ave & 1409 NE Alberta St.

Pier Park 10325 N Lombard St / 503.823.7529 Third Place:

Ed Benedict Park SE Powell Blvd / 503.823.2525

BEST BIKE EVENT The Naked Bike Ride pdxwnbr.org

It’s kinda like the race for the cure except with tits and dongs.

Runner-Up:

BEST GOLF COURSE

Sunday Parkways

Eastmoreland

Third Place:

Across the lake from the Crystal Springs Rhododendron Garden, the now-100-year-old Eastmoreland Golf Course rivals Augusta in scenic beauty.

BEST RUNNING EVENT

2425 SE Bybee Blvd / 503.775.2900 eastmorelandgolfcourse.com

Runner-Up:

McMenamins Edgefield SE Powell Blvd / 503.823.2525 mcmenamins.com/Edgefield Third Place:

Heron Lakes 2126 SW Halsey St, Troutdale, OR 503.669.8610 heronlakesgolf.com

BEST SPORTS STORE/ OUTFITTER

Bridge Pedal 1631 NE Klickitat St / 503.281.9198 providence.org/bridge-pedal

Hood to Coast hoodtocoast.com

In a state as indecently scenic as Oregon, it’s only fitting that the 195run from Mount Hood to the coast would be Portlanders’ favorite.

Runner-Up:

Shamrock Run shamrockrunportland.com Third Place:

Portland Marathon portlandmarathon.org

Next Adventure

426 SE Grand Ave / 503.233.0706 nextadventure.net The mixture of used and new outdoors goods, including flash sales, ensure that you can always find affordable gear for your *drumroll, please* next adventure.

Runner-Up:

REI Multiple locations / rei.com Third Place:

U.S. Outdoor Store 219 SW Broadway / 503.223.5937 usoutdoor.com

BEST RUNNING STORE Portland Running Company

Two locations. portlandrunningcompany.com

The Portland Running Company is the rare shoe store that suggests you bring your old running shoes and wear athletic clothes when you visit. The gait evaluation, expert measurements and advice will help you find a shoe to reach your true running potential.

Runner-Up:

Runner-Up:

Blue Dream Third Place:

Dogwalker

BEST DISPENSARY Brothers Cannabis

3609 SE Division St / 503.894.8001 brothers-cannabis.com

Third Place:

At a whopping six years old, Brothers Cannabis Club is Portland’s oldest dispensary and one of the few to carry the rare Charlotte’s Web strain.

BEST BIKE SHOP River City Bicycles

706 SE Martin Luther King Jr Blvd / 503.233.5973 rivercitybicycles.com Between the indoor track and coffee shop, River City is more than just a large bicycle shop.

Runner-Up:

Bike Gallery Multiple locations bikegallery.com Third Place:

Gladys Bikes 219 SW Broadway / 503.223.5937 gladysbikes.com

Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

Girl Scout Cookie This OG Kush-Durban Poison hybrid from California is one of the rare strains named after what you’ll be eating after a few hits.

Foot Traffic Four locations / foottraffic.us REI Multiple locations / rei.com

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BEST CANNABIS STRAIN

Runner-Up:

Farma 916 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.206.4357 / farmapdx.com Third Place:

Nectar Three locations / nectarpdx.com

BEST HEAD SHOP Third Eye

3950 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.232.3393 / erdeyeshoppe.com

This old house on Hawthorne still has that crunchy neighbor vibe left behind by its late founder and cannabis activist, Jack Herer.

Runner-Up:

Mary Jane’s House of Glass Multiple locations. maryjaneshouseofglass.net Third Place:

Mellow Mood Two locations / mellowmood.com

BEST EDIBLE PRODUCT Leif Medicinals

leifmedicinals.com

Portland’s premiere cannabis chocolatier is hoping to become the Salt & Straw of the edible market.

Runner-Up:

Elbe’s Edibles elbesedibles.com Third Place:

Squib lunchboxalchemy.com/lunchboxalchemy-edibles

BEST BUDTENDER Emma Chasen - Farma After a boss disregarded a cannabis trial in favor of a big pharma drug, Emma Chasen packed her car and drove across the country to Portland.

Now this Brown grad is a budtender at one of the most forward-thinking industry leaders.

Runner-Up:

BEST ORGANIC CANNABIS SELECTION Farma

916 SE Hawthorne Blvd 503.206.4357 / farmapdx.com Farma with its unique strain classification system and premium organic strain selection is what the future of boutique cannabis will look like.

Runner-Up:

Oregon’s Finest 1327 NW Kearney St / 971.254.4765 ofmeds.com Third Place:

MindRite 1780 NW Marshall St / 503.477.4430 mindritepdx.com

BEST CANNABISINFUSED PRODUCT Luminous Botanicals

luminousbotanicals.com Luminous Botanicals has pioneered the burgeoning field of cannabisinfused lube.

Runner-Up:

Empower Oil 9123 SE St Helens St, Clackamas, OR 503.862.8338 empowerbodycare.com

Chris Martin MindRite Third Place:

Virginia Lee Farma

BEST CANNABIS EVENT Cultivation Classic Willamette Week / Farma

Aw, shucks, you shouldn’t have.

Runner-Up:

Puff Puff Pizza Third Place:

Wake & Bake Brunch Hunnymilk

BEST CANNABIS FARM Newcleus Nurseries

instagram.com/newcleusbios These botanists and plant pathologists are not just growing weed, they are working tirelessly to solve the plant’s recent pest and pathology issues.

Runner-Up:

Deschutes Growery deschutesgrowery.com Third Place:

Green Bodhi greenbodhi.org

Third Place:

Elbe’s Edibles elbesedibles.com

Willamette Week JULY 15, 2015 wweek.com

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“I lived on hippie communes, but I don’t call them hippie communes. At one point, we lived in tepees.” page 86

STARTERS

BITE-SIZED PORTLAND CULTURE NEWS.

BUST A BUCKET: Blazers point guard Damian Lillard— Dame DOLLA if you’re nasty—is going to play his first-ever, full-fledged rap concert in Portland at the Crystal Ballroom on July 15, which also happens to be his 26th birthday. As most NBA fans know by now, Lillard takes rapping very seriously. He started his weekly 4 Bar Friday Instagram rap battle after getting drafted in 2012, and uploads new tracks to SoundCloud frequently during the offseason. Although he’s calling this show his “first performance in Portland,” Lillard made his onstage debut last summer at Holocene, spitting a verse during a set by his cousin, Brookefield Duece. Tickets for the Crystal show quickly sold out after being announced last week. While the show is all-ages, Lillard said on Twitter that he meant for it to be 18-plus because of the “strong lyrics” of some of the other performers on the bill. (Promoters say the show will remain all-ages and no ticketholders under 18 will be turned away.) “Sorry for the confusion,” Lillard tweeted. “If there are any issues, you should be able to find someone to take em off your hands. I see the resell prices lol.”

ROBERT BACON

ZINESTER PARADISE LOST: The 20-year-old Independent Publishing Resource Center needs to find a new home by April 2017, according to the center’s director, A.M. O’Malley, after receiving word from landlords that its Division Street space would see a 300 percent rent hike. Grixsen Brewing Co., which leases the other half of the building, may take over the IPRC space. The center is essentially a one-stop DIY location for Portland writers and self-publishers.

It found a possible new space—next door to the NW Documentary nonprofit at North Williams Avenue and Tillamook Street, but unfortunately it’s vacant and for lease immediately, and O’Malley is worried the landlords won’t let the IPRC out of its lease early. The center has begun a Kickstarter to help fund the move. As of July 11, it had received more than $8,000 of the $20,000 goal.

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Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

MARIO, MAPPED: Nintendo is having a heck of a week thanks to Pokémania. Well, it’s not just Pokémon in Portland, which became the latest city to be mapped Super Mario-style by Chicago artist Robert Bacon. The maps include lots of smiling trees, MAX lines and even Wilsonville.

Bacon, an actor and graphic artist, started creating Mario maps for fun.

They quickly gained popularity, and Bacon started getting requests for different locations. He now has 11 maps for sale, including Wisconsin, Tokyo and New York City. Highlights include Beaverton as a castle turret, a shipwreck near Jantzen Beach, and a house with chimney smoke in Clackamas.

This isn’t the first time Portland has been mapped in the style of Super Mario. Last year, artist Dave Delisle created a Mario-style map based on TriMet stops.

I L L U S T R AT I O N S B Y A N D R E W M O I R

Headout

WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK IN ARTS & CULTURE

WEDNESDAY JULY 13 Fear of Men

[POST-BREXIT POP] Fall Forever, Brighton band Fear of Men’s sophomore album, floats soothing vocals atop seas of atmospheric guitar and synth riffs. It’s a sound simultaneously stormy and optimistic— dream pop always on the cusp of slipping into night terror.

Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 503-288-3895.

9 pm. $12. 21+.

THURSDAY JULY 14 SassyBlack

[SCI-FI CHIC] No More Weak Dates, the new solo album from ex-THEESatisfaction member Catherine Harris-White, explores the contours of single life—the good, the bad and the confusing—with crafty lyrics and futuristic R&B production.

Bring a date. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 503-239-7639.

8:30 pm. $12. 21+.

Desire’s Masquerade

Five dishes that will make you more popular than that dude with all the cool beads at this weekend’s Pagan Potluck.

BY R U SS E L L H AUS FELD

rhausfeld@wweek.com

On Sunday, the Nine Houses of Gaia hosts an energy-raising pagan potluck picnic to build up energy for next year’s Northwest Fall Equinox Festival. We know you’re already on top of memorizing your part in the Goddess-appreciation ritual, and you always have your djembe on hand for drum circles. But you may be wondering what food to contribute to the potluck and how to make your dish stand out. Here are some of my favorite dishes for pagan gatherings.

Pagan Rye Bread

This one is easy, since we are all accustomed to making our own rye bread. The only difference in pagan rye bread is inoculating your rye with ergot fungi before you go through the bread-making process. This recipe has been bringing communities together since the Middle Ages.

GO: The Pagan Picnic is at Creston Park (Site B), 4476 SE Powell Blvd., on Sunday July 17. Noon-5 pm.

Mannish Drank

Goat meat can be a hearty and symbolic ingredient to throw into your pagan dishes. Mannish Drank is a variation on the Jamaican aphrodisiac, Mannish Water, which is made by seasoning goat parts in a stew of spices, yams and bananas. To make your own aphrodisiac potion, just throw goat parts, bananas, spices and yams in a blender, then add a little Everclear. After downing that chunky concoction, something magic will happen to you.

Fairy’s Whisper Cookies

Here’s a cute dessert that is always a hit with the kids— human ones, not the baby goats you’ll be slaughtering at the picnic. These delicious sugar cookies are a simple mixture of flour, baking soda and baking powder beaten together with premixed butter, sugar, eggs, vanilla and ground-up bits of our tiny friends from the forest, fairies. Their green blood and guts add some interesting color to the cookies, as well as a pleasant hint of ginger.

The Enlightened Portobello Burger

[NEXT-GEN PARTY] Jesse Vinton, son of Oregonian Oscar winner Will Vinton, is starting his own film project.

Before debuting at the 2017 Young Filmmakers showcase, he’s throwing a summer cocktail party for his surrealist drama short, with Bamboo sushi, a peek at the costuming by local designer Clayton Beck and a raffle of art from the Vinton archives. Dot Dot Dash, 1526 SE Elliot Ave. 7 pm.

Free. 21+.

FRIDAY JULY 15 Fred and Toody Cole

[PUNK IN LOVE] Revolution Hall’s summer concert series on its unbeatable rooftop deck kicks off with an acoustic show from the grandparents of Portland punk, who recently entered semi-retirement.

Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark St., 503-288-3895. 7 pm. $12 advance, $15 day of show. 21+.

This burger is beyond divine—at least that’s how it made me feel any time I’ve eaten one. First you’ll mix together cream cheese, bread crumbs, Parmesan cheese, basil, grated garlic and salt, using the mixture to fill about three-quarters of a portobello mushroom cap. Bake it at 350 degrees for about 15 minutes, then remove it and fill the last quarter of the cap with about an eighth of an ounce of dried psilocybin mushrooms. Drizzle some lemon juice to really activate the ingredients.

SATURDAY JULY 16

A Live Pig

MONDAY JULY 18

Just show up with a pig between the age of 4 months and 1 year, and there should be plenty of onsite slaughter and sacrifice stations. You know what that means? Fresh pork chops!

Hands Up! 7 Playwrights, 7 Testaments

[#BLACKLIVESMATTER] As a tribute to police shooting victim Michael Brown, the New Black Fest in New York commissioned seven black playwrights for seven monologues about race. This staging comes from the August Wilson Red Door Project and includes work from Nathan James and Idris Goodwin, whose How We Got On got a standing ovation at Portland Playhouse. Wieden+Kennedy, 224 NW 13th Ave., 503-9377000. 7 pm Friday-Saturday, July 15-16. Free.

Han Oak x Beast

[FOOD MASH-UP] It’s like the Traveling Wilburys of food: Six chefs, including Han Oak’s Peter Cho and Beast’s Naomi Pomeroy, each make a dish, and you eat them all. Han Oak, 511 NE 24th Ave., 971-255-0032. 6 pm. $45.

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AN INTERNATIONAL MARKETPLACE

Healthy Asian Lettuce Wraps

Futonn Supermarket has all the ingredients to make your summer barbecue great. From the main course to all the side dishes you’ll find it all at Fubonn. Lettuce Wraps have to be the asian inspired side dish, try this recipe at your next gathering to “WOW” your friends!

Ingredients:

• 1¼ lb 96% lean ground beef (or any ground meat you prefer) • 1 tbsp olive oil • 1 cup onion, roughly chopped • 4 cloves garlic, diced • 1-inch piece of ginger, diced • ¾ cup water chestnuts, roughly chopped • 5 tbsp hoisin sauce • 1 tbsp soy sauce • Bibb lettuce • Optional toppings: • shredded carrots • roughly chopped peanuts • toasted sesame seeds • chopped green onion

How To Prepare: Heat 1 tbsp olive oil in a large pan. Add in the ground beef and break it apart with a cooking spoon into smaller pieces. Season with salt and pepper to taste and cook till no longer pink. Set aside on a separate plate.

In the same pan, cook the onion, garlic, and ginger for 3-4 minutes.

Add the meat and water chestnuts into the pan.

Stir in the hoisin sauce and soy sauce and cook everything together for a few minutes.

To serve, place the meat mixture in the lettuce cups and top with shredded carrots, peanuts, sesame seeds, green onion, and extra hoisin sauce.

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ONE STOP SHOPPING Groceries · Housewares · Gifts · Jewelry · Restaurants

Are you interested in leasing space at Fubonn Shopping Center? Contact leasing@fubonn.com for more information.

2850 S.E. 82nd Ave.

www.fubonn.com

503-517-8877

9am-8pm seven days a week

*Restaurant Hours may vary from mall hours

Handsewn in PDX

Made w/reclaimed bike innertube rubber

Visit our Factory Showroom 2215 NW Quimby ST, Portland 503-318-8066

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STREET

DOWNTOWN CARTS AT THE 9TH-AND-ALDER FOOD POD. P H OTOS BY CHR ISTIN E DON G www.wweek.com/street

After all the horror stories we’d heard about the current state of the housing market in Portland, we managed to close on a house during the busiest month of the year! We are homeowners!

- Lis & Jeremy Actual Scout Realty Co. clients fetcheyewear.com | 877.274.0410

STEPHANIE LUNDIN, Broker 503.737.8500 stephanie@stephanielundin.com

SCOUTPORTLAND.COM Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

67

FOOD & DRINK REVIEW MEGAN NANNA

= WW Pick.

Estate Jewelry

Highly recommended.

By MATTHEW KORFHAGE. Editor: MARTIN CIZMAR. Email: dish@wweek.com. See page 3 for submission instructions.

THURSDAY, JULY 14 Astoria Tap Takeover

Buoy Beer, the bastards, keep all of their wonderful German-style helles back at the Astoria brewery, almost never sending a keg out. Well, it’s officially a blue moon and the sky fell: At McMenamins’ bottle shop, there will be Fort George 3-Way and Big Guns, Buoy Czech Pilsner, and a keg of that heavenly helles. 23rd Avenue Bottle Shop, 2290 NW Thurman St., 971-202-7256. 5 pm.

7642 SW Capitol Hwy AntoinetteJewelry.com 503-348-0411

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NOW OPEN IN SLABTOWN! NEW LUNCH AND HAPPY HOURS

FRIDAY, JULY 15 Aquavit Pairings

Get drunk, fat and happy the Nordic way: a taste of aquavit, with a little snack. Repeat. As House Spirits cancels its aged aquavit, Rolling River has quadrupled down with an aged and unaged dill-heavy Ole Bjørkvoll, a caraway-happy Stilar #3 and a Christmas-spiced Gamle Holiday.

Nordia House, 8800 SW Oleson Road, 503-977-0275. 6 pm. $20-$25.

SUNDAY, JULY 17 Pfriem Pairing Dinner pizza | bar | charcuterie

1505 NW 21st Ave. | (503) 946-1853 | please-louise.com

Five Pfriem beers, five food pairings, $50. Nothing can go too wrong here.

The beers will include the Pilsner, saison and strong dark, plus the Flanders Blonde and potentially even a seasonal sour IPA, while the food ranges from roasted octopus, stuffed pork belly to tiramisu sworn to be made of magic. Hamlet, 232 NW 12th Ave., 503-241-4009. 5 pm. $50.

MONDAY, JULY 18 Han Oak x Beast

It’s like the Traveling Wilburys. Han Oak’s Peter Cho has invited the fourdeep chef crew of Beast, from Naomi Pomeroy to Beast alum Mika Paredes (Girls Club), plus Andrew Mace of Le Pigeon and Maritime, to cook a sixcourse meal for a mere $45, one dish from each chef. Han Oak, 511 NE 24th Ave., 971-255-0032. 6 pm. $45.

1. Hat Yai

1605 NE Killingsworth St., 503-764-9701.

Thai chicken and curries with fresh, earthy, complex flavors. $$.

2. Jouk Li Jou

1505 NE Alberta St., 340-244-4802.

At Portland’s only Haitian spot, get impossibly cheap $5 pork tenderloin or chicken. $.

3. Clyde’s Prime Rib

5474 NE Sandy Blvd., 503-281-9200, clydesprimerib.com.

There are new owners and upgraded food—but that classic soul song remains the same. $$.

4. Fukami

4246 SE Belmont St., 971-279-2161.

Hokusei’s new version contains some of the most restrained, classic nigiri in town, sourced from all over the world.

But you’ll have to save up for that $85 omakase. $$$$.

5. Sadie Mae’s

10530 SE Washington St., 503-257-0660.

Reel M Inn chicken, but uncrowded and in Gateway. Great. $.

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BURGERS ’N’ CREAM: Hillsdale’s new cart does dinner and dessert very well.

Burger Stevens

The Franz bun makes a statement.

Given all the fine, artisanal hamburger rolls available in this city, it’s a little surprising to see Hillsdale’s Burger Stevens cart tucking its $7 burger into the most basic of buns.

“Everywhere I’ve worked, there’s always been a high-end burger on the menu on a fancy brioche bun, and when it comes down to it, my favorite bun has always been a [Pennsylvaniabased] Martin’s potato roll,” says cart owner Don Salamone.

“Franz classic is just as good. I absolutely love it. Every time I cook one, I get so much pleasure out of buttering Order this: it and toasting it. When it’s Cheeseburger with bacon done, it almost has a Ritz and jalapeño ($9.50) and a sundae ($4). cracker taste. Plus, it’s fun to go to the outlet.”

Those Ritzy buns are just one element of what helps Burger Stevens, which opened last month, make one of the better cheeseburgers in town. Salamone, who worked as a private chef in Los Angeles before moving to Southwest Portland, uses a custom 70-30 beef blend from Ponderosa Provisioners. The burger is padded with a large lettuce leaf, doused with a creamy orange fry sauce, stuffed into a bun and wrapped snugly in a sheet of deli paper. The thin patty gets a little crusty on the grill, and I especially liked it with a charred jalapeño (50 cents) and bacon ($2).

Skip the turkey burger, which needs more fat, and split the fries ($3), which are basically an extra-crispy version of McDonald’s cooked until they lose their flex.

But double down on dessert. Portland is in the middle of a soft-serve boom. Having tried most of the contenders, I think Burger Stevens might have the best of all. It’s richer and fattier than most, but still light and creamy enough not to cross the line into custard.

The secret is the softserve mix—or lack thereof.

“I’m blown away by how many people are not making their own mix,” Salamone says.

“I have a friend who works in a very fancy place in L.A., and he says they use powdered mix. No one knew the recipe, and it was driving me nuts.”

Eventually, he found a pastry chef to help him create his own version of the soft serve he grew up with in Rochester, N.Y. It’s mostly milk, with a little cream, and wonderful, with or without the berry topping ($3 cone or bowl, $4 berry sundae).

Given all the work Salamone is putting into that soft serve, it’s probably good that he found Franz. MARTIN CIZMAR. EAT: Burger Stevens, 6238 SW Capitol Highway, 971-279-7252, burgerstevens.com. 11 am-8 pm Monday-Saturday, 10 am-8 pm Sunday.

THOMAS TEAL

REVIEW

Experience Lebanese cuisine at its best Call us for your event party & catering needs!

SAUSAGE PARTY: The spread at Please Louise.

The New American Pizza

PLEASE LOUISE BEINGS ARTISAN PIES TO UNDERSERVED SLABTOWN.

I preferred the meatier options, especially the fennel sausage with a nice spritz of Calabrian chili ($16).

The salads and appetizers are a bit more adventurous, and that’s not always for the best. Nothing

BY M A RT I N C I Z M A R mcizmar@wweek.com was a dud, but few elevated the overall experience.

Take the roasted carrot and hummus salad ($10) Please Louise is arriving a little late to the party. with oil-cured olives and bitter watercress. It offers The chic new pizzeria from Breakside Brewing not only strong flavors—watercress is extremely owner Scott Lawrence and his old friend Brian bitter, the olives are extremely salty, and the fireCarrick opened a couple months back around the charred carrots had a lot of smoke—but no obvious corner from the new Slabtown New Seasons. It fol- path forward, since everything sits on a blanket of lows on the heels of a sausage boom that’s brought hummus spread. You have to sort of awkwardly fold about a dozen similar spots to the city in the past the greens into the hummus and scoop it out with a few years. Already, we’ve seen some fallout, as two fork, the stems of the watercress poking out of the of the very best, Pizza Maria and P.R.E.A.M, were clay-colored spread like a Chia Pet. We had much better luck with the basic mizuna forced to close before their time.

Please Louise should be fine, though. Mainly garden salad ($8), lightly dressed with a vinaigrette, because of its location in underserved Northwest, and an arugula salad topped with shaved goat beyond Nob Hill and the Alphabet District. Slab- cheese, green olives and crispy spring onion fried town is a wealthy, increasingly dense neighbor- like onion rings ($12).

In addition to the pies, the Please Louise kitchhood—essentially 21st and 23rd avenues north of en is working on making its own Lovejoy Street and south of U.S. 30—that’s never had a pie spot like sausages. Most are in the French Order this: this, and Louise is well-calibrated to tradition—think duck liver brulee, Arugula salad, sausage pizza, potted pork confit and country terthe area’s sensibilities.

Breakside Pilsner. rines. I’d personally prefer ItalianPlease Louise sits in a corner style sausages like mortadella, space that’s been sparsely but ’nduja, soppressata and cotechino tastefully decorated with white tile, Edison bulbs, and white office chairs. There’s an Modena with spice blends that would make a more obvious juxtaposition with the dark, street-styled natural complement for the pizza, but the country P.R.E.A.M., which was the first Portland restaurant terrines plate ($12) was very good and generously fully to embrace the clubby aesthetic of big-city appointed with meat, pickles and mustards. spots where you now find DJs spinning hip-hop The drink program is small and rather tame. throughout the meal. Louise plays exclusively ’60s Breakside makes about 100 beers every year, but the music, from the Beatles to the Supremes, at moder- only two on tap here are the Pilsner and IPA. Among ate volume. It’s the stuff my dad listened to on road the cocktails (all $10), you’ll find house recipes built trips, and everyone likes it just fine. from classics with one small twist, such as an Old The music is actually a decent metaphor for the Fashioned with maple syrup and a local take on the pies at Please Louise, a nice little neighborhood French 75 that adds some blackberry liqueur.

When it comes to cocktails, I have higher hopes shop that denies any specific geographic lineage with a thin but low-tang crust that’s best thought of for Please Louise’s new neighbor, Solo Club, which will open down the block very soon. And my hopes as New American Pizza.

The dough is tossed behind the bar and baked in a are higher still for the third Breakside location, wood-fired Hobart oven. The crust is light on bubbles opening in a neighboring building this fall. and the few on there don’t get baked anywhere near Slabtown really is turning into a nice little blackening. It’s perfect for those people who maintain neighborhood, and Please Louise is a nice little Ken’s Artisan and Apizza Scholls “burn” their pies. pizza place that suits it well.

All five pies we tried at Louise were well-composed but not especially adventurous—seared scallion, EAT: Please Louise, 1505 NW 21st Ave., 503- 946-1853. 11 am-10 pm Monday-Friday, arugula pesto and Gorgonzola are as exotic as it gets. 4-10 pm Saturday-Sunday.

Belly dancing Friday and Saturday evenings

223 SW STARK STREET PORTLAND, OR 503-274-0010 ALAMIRPORTLAND.COM

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MUSIC PROFILE

Editor: MATTHEW SINGER. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, go to wweek.com/ submitevents and follow submission directions. All shows should be submitted two weeks or more in advance of event. Press kits, CDs and especially vinyl can be sent to Music Desk, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Please include show or release date information with all physical mailings. Email: msinger@wweek.com.

Fax: 243-1115.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 13 Slow Season, Moondrake

[EASY-RIDING ROCKERS] The guys behind Slow Season have never been known to shrug off their influences. Recently released third album Westing is full of massive Zeppelin riffs, searing vocal melodies and an undertone of ’70s Sabbath. Frontman Daniel Rice can wail, and he does, constantly exploring a loose narrative based on what he calls the “unholy trinity of greed, power and violence.”

But it’s the band’s pummeling grooves and bluesy swagger that places it in the same ballpark as its classic-rock forebears. Well, that and the group’s collective, flowing locks of hair.

BRANDON WIDDER. Dante’s, 350 W Burnside St. 9 pm. $5. 21+.

Wye Oak, Tuskha

[OUT-OF-NOWHERE POP] When Baltimore duo Wye Oak dropped its last album, Shriek, in 2014, the press narrative was that songwriter Jenn Wasner had grown tired of playing guitar. While the record saw Wasner (mostly) swap her axe for bass keys, the easy hook also kind of missed the point—Wye Oak, guitar or no guitar, has always been about the songs.

That sentiment is reaffirmed by the band’s new album, Tween, a collection of tracks recorded around Shriek but just recently released without warning a few weeks ago. Wasner and multiinstrumentalist Andy Stack are at the top of their game here, working in elements of dreamy shoegaze on standout “If You Should See” and galloping pop with “Watching the Waiting.”

It turns out the band’s in-between record is better than most bands’ definitive statements. MICHAEL MANNHEIMER. Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside St. 9 pm. $20 advance, $22 day of show. 21+.

Mount Joy, Little Star, Oh Rose

[FOLK-SOUL SISTERS] Just weeks after releasing an EP, Portland’s Mount Joy will hang up its collective hat, but not before bringing its captivating sound to Holocene one last time. Pity the quartet is going on a hiatus, as the EP is an infectious mix of bluesy folk harmonies that get passed back and forth like a beach volleyball. It’s dark and soulful with occasional flutters of brightness, not unlike early St. Vincent. Rising Portland rockers Little Star join the bill. MARK STOCK. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St. 8:30 pm. $7. 21+.

from the overt “gothic” metal element typically associated with harmonylaced leads, allowing its Sabbath-like riffs proper representation. Supported

by Bellingham’s Thieves of Eden, stoned-out local instrumentalists Troll, and the sludgy doom of Wölflaut, it seems the Twilight Cafe may have a hand at filling the Know’s void of premium bills representing music’s darker realm. CERVANTE POPE. Twilight Cafe and Bar, 1420 SE Powell Blvd. 9 pm. $5. 21+.

THURSDAY, JULY 14 The Fixx

[THEY CALLED IT NEW WAVE] The Fixx didn’t have fashion-model looks or tailors like contemporary countrymen Duran Duran or Spandau Ballet, but all one really needed on MTV back then was a synth, a not too pronounced British accent, and a handful of spiffy tunes—which was exactly what these lads had in “Stand or Fall,” “Red Skies,” “Saved by Zero” and “One Thing Leads to Another.“ Unlike several acts of its era, today’s touring band represents the original hit-making lineup, having reassembled to record 2012’s Beautiful Friction. JEFF ROSENBERG. Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave. 8 pm. $30 advance, $35 day of show. Under 21 permitted with legal guardian.

Little Scream

[ART ROCK] When Cult Following dropped in May, it was the first new music we’d heard from Little Scream, aka Laurel Sprengelmeyer, since her 2011 debut, The Golden Record. Five years is a long time to take off after releasing only your first album, but the payoff is worth it. Sprengelmeyer is joined by pals Sufjan Stevens, Sharon Van Etten and members of the National, TV on the Radio and Arcade Fire on an album that is both finely crafted and artfully ambitious.

The songs are layered, the hooks are punchy, and the arrangements so refined and compact in comparison to her rambling debut it’ll give you whiplash. SHANNON GORMLEY. Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water Ave. 9:30 pm. $12 advance, $14 day of show. 21+.

FRIDAY, JULY 15 Hayes Carll, Ashleigh Flynn

[DREAM POP] Even before Brexit, U.K. act Fear of Men was writing the bittersweet score to fleeing the union.

The band’s sound is simultaneously stormy and optimistic—dream pop always on the cusp of slipping into a night terror. Jess Weiss and company just released sophomore release Fall Forever, an album that floats soothing vocals atop seas of atmospheric guitar and synth riffs. If the Cranberries formed today, they might sound like this. Buzzing L.A. sister duo Puro Instinct helps kick things off. MARK STOCK. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave. 9 pm. $12 advance, $14 day of show. 21+.

[SINGER-SONGWRITER] Hayes Carll’s early work showed him ably, if almost too glibly, taking up the tools of his songwriting forebears—rooted in the traditions of his native Texas, sure, but uncannily aping Oregon native Todd Snider’s comedy-country shtick. With 2011’s breakthrough KMAG YOYO album, he hit bigger than Snider ever has, while veering ever closer to cliché. Five years on from that commercial (if not necessarily artistic) success, and following the dissolution of his marriage, his new Lovers and Leavers welcomes a more sedate vocal and writing approach and a more reserved Joe Henry production, turning a promising corner in Carll’s career. JEFF ROSENBERG. Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave. 8 pm. $22.50 advance, $25 day of show. Under 21 permitted with legal guardian.

Crimson Altar, Thieves of Eden, Troll, Wölflaut

Fred and Toody Cole, Jenny Don’t and the Spurs

Fear of Men, Puro Instinct, Patricia Hall

[STONER DOOM] The melodically driven Crimson Altar is celebrating the cassette release for Clairvoyance, the demo that’s put the band’s dot on the radar of the local doom-metal scene.

Alexis Kralicek’s vocals aren’t overpowering, distancing Crimson Altar

[PUNK IN LOVE] In March, Fred and Toody Cole, the grandparents of Portland punk, officially retired from rock’n’roll. Following the death of Andrew Loomis, who played drums

CONT. on page 73

The Last Days of Mystery

RICK VODICKA

= WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Prices listed are sometimes for advance ticket sales. At-the-door increases and socalled convenience charges may apply. Event lineups are subject to change after WW’s press deadlines.

TEN YEARS AGO, JANDEK—MUSIC’S MOST ENIGMATIC OUTSIDER— REVEALED HIMSELF TO PORTLAND.

BY DAVE CA N TOR

@dv_cntr

Editor’s note: As befitting a man of mystery, Jandek canceled his scheduled June 14 show at Mississippi Studios just before press time. (The headliner, Willis Earl Beal, will still play.) Regardless, we present this history of the time Jandek actually made it to town.

Emil Amos didn’t know what he was signing up for. Or, rather, he couldn’t know.

“Ethan Swann, the guy working the desk was like, ‘Can I ask you a question?’” says the musician, recalling the day in 2006 when he walked into Jackpot Records in downtown Portland and was made an offer that, mysterious as it was, he couldn’t refuse. “He was entirely vague and went on for about 10 minutes about a festival that was coming up. Eventually, he said there was an entertainer he couldn’t name coming to town, and he wanted to see if I would play drums for him.”

The contract had to be signed immediately. Amos, who played in the bands Grails and Holy Son, tried lobbing some questions at the clerk, and somehow convinced himself of the musician’s identity: Jandek, the Houston recluse whose self-produced, selfreleased records of avant-garde folk are treasured among a specific set of underground music fans.

At the time, it had been less than two years since Jandek’s first-known public performance, at the 2004 Instal Festival in Glasgow, Scotland, since he began releasing music in 1978. In that time, Jandek managed to put out dozens of strange, meandering albums, under his own Corwood Industries imprint, while granting only three interviews and never allowing himself to be properly photographed. The show, scheduled for the Hollywood Theatre, would not only be his first in Portland, but his first on the West Coast.

Amos signed the papers.

No one who showed up at the Hollywood on April 4, 2006, really knew what to expect—the band included. Amos was joined by Quasi’s Sam Coomes, Grouper’s Liz Harris and vocalist Jessica Dennison, and their only interaction with Jandek was before the start of the show, at soundcheck.

“Me and Emil, we did practice a couple times,” Coomes says. “We actually got together and talked about strategy and played a little bit just to establish a relationship, because when you get up in front of people and start making music, it’s good to have a little orientation.”

Amos and Coomes figured that some of the seemingly formless ruminations Jandek had become known for—caterwauling vocals over some occasionally tuned guitar—might be contrasted with a concerted effort to move the music in a rock direction. During the ensemble’s 90-minute

preparation, Jandek broke down a batch of nominal instructions for the group, including an explanation of the three types of songs they’d perform: ballads, blues and “brutal.” That was it.

The show was sold out, Amos recalled. The theater was silent. K Records’ Calvin Johnson sat in the front row. For about two hours, the performance, later released as Portland Thursday, cascaded through some truly shambolic moments. Thirteen minutes of “I Asked You Please” is as punishing as any metal blitzkrieg, with Coomes’ fuzzed-out bass and locking in with Amos’ rock pounding. Jandek— tall and slender, dressed in all black—rides some of the minimal rhythm, taking time to moan lines of poetry, perhaps just written on that spring day.

“It was very emotional,” Coomes says. “People were literally in tears after that show.”

Jandek didn’t stick around to take it all in. But his Portland appearance went well enough that later that year, in October, he invited the same ensemble to play with him in Seattle, a show Coomes said seemed to have been marketed to a more sedate NPR crowd.

After the first song, half the audience split.

Of meeting Jandek, both musicians decline to provide many details. Coomes offers only that Jandek was “weird.” But Amos says Jandek was “extremely happy” about what they’d managed to accomplish.

“There was so much communion between us— and philosophically, there was really just a kind of congruence that was happening,” Amos says. “That band could have turned into a real band.”

Since then, neither Amos nor Coomes has struck up friendly correspondence with the man who often refers to himself as simply “a representative from Corwood Industries,” though Harris says she receives “one-sentence letters every once in a while, a la ‘Played with Tom Carter, he mentioned your name.’”

In the decade since, Jandek has continued playing shows. He returned to the Hollywood Theatre in 2010, performing a set of improvisational noise with Thurston Moore. As far as Amos is concerned, though, the experience won’t be the same. It can’t be.

“I see it more as the last hurrah of the original era, in a way,” Amos says of that 2006 gig. “It was a time when people actually still kind of held their breath and wanted to understand ‘the other.’ Now, we live in this demystified time when everyone thinks they know everything.”

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MUSIC

Simple ApproAch

INTRODUCING A R YA I M I G

alongside them in Dead Moon for two decades, the 67-year-old couple announced that their days playing long, loud sets are over.

But that doesn’t mean they’re done with music: As they’ve done the last few years, the Coles will continue to play career-spanning acoustic performances. Tonight, they kick off a season of shows on Revolution Hall’s unbeatable roof deck.

MATTHEW SINGER. Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark St. 7 pm. $12 advance, $15 day of show. 21+.

vegan Friendly

SATURDAY, JULY 16 Genders, Divers, Public Eye

[JANGLE IN THE HAZE] It’s been a bit quiet on the Genders front. Last we heard from the dreamy Portland pop group, it was early 2015, when it dropped a lovely Silver Jews cover as a teaser for an EP that’s yet to arrive. But it’s coming soon, they promise—and they’ve got a new single to prove it. “Life Is But a Dream” is another irresistible plume of jangle-pop smoke, rising up from wavy surf-rock guitars and swirling around Maggie Morris’ appealingly whispy voice. Another local group not precisely known for the prolificacy, post-Replacements rockers Divers, might just lay waste to the place before Genders even has a chance to get onstage. It’ll be worth it either way. MATTHEW SINGER. Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water Ave. 9:30 pm. $10. 21+.

The Spits, Chemicals, Sex Crime

[PUNK] Stripping away the sometimes labored rigor associated with punk and returning the genre to a place of merriment, the Spits combine the party-all-the-time attitude of Andrew W.K. with simplistic yet hooky Ramones-style refrains. If you don’t leave one of their shows dazed and covered in PBR and someone else’s sweat, then you did it all wrong. CERVANTE POPE. Dante’s, 350 W Burnside St. 9 pm. $10. 21+.

Tango Alpha Tango, Lemolo, Snowblind Traveler

[TAT OFFENSIVE] Young, unwashed rockers have been appropriating the blues for as long as anyone can remember. Portland’s own Tango Alpha Tango have always been far more inventive about it than most. With White Sugar, released earlier this year, the band incorporates a more wistful, Zeppelinesque worship that streamlines an already monstrous force that could have them staggering toward chaotic masses. CRIS LANKENAU. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave. 9 pm. $10 advance, $12 day of show. 21+.

Dälek, Drowse, Stöller

[WOKEN WORD] Dälek is experimental hip-hop’s truest embodiment of the spoken word, delivering political commentary atop industrial beats since the late ’90s and sharing stages with Melvins and Tool. The group’s latest, Asphalt for Eden, released on Mike Patton’s Ipecac label, was quickly recognized as one of Rolling Stone’s Best Rap Albums of 2016 so far.

It’s a darkly optimistic takedown of the powers that be, with shards of ambient washouts and an onstage guitarist for added gravitas. Stöller, meanwhile, is the solo project of local drummer/MIDI wizard Ben Stoller of double-drum duo Hot Victory. WYATT SCHAFFNER. The Analog Cafe, 720 SE Hawthorne Blvd. 9 pm. $10. 21+.

SUNDAY, JULY 17 Pickin’ On Sundays: If Birds Could Fly

[VIRGINIAN FOLK] If Birds Could Fly is the kind of duo built for the Pickin’ On series that takes place during the summer on the Doug Fir’s patio. The Virginia-bred pair

CONT. on page 74

Bold FlAvor

I

Rod

WHO: Tommy Celt (vocals, guitar), Cannon Riggs (guitar), Paul Thomas (bass), Alan Bishop (drums).

SOUNDS LIKE: A reluctant run across the bridge between youth and adulthood.

FOR FANS OF: Sebadoh, Swearin’, Teenage Fanclub, Tony Molina.

All four members of Rod are 21 years old, so it’s difficult to grant them rights to anything resembling nostalgia. But when they get to talking about their high school years, their premature longing for the past starts to make sense. They had early access to some pretty great stuff.

“We loved Starfucker,” says frontman and chief songwriter Tommy Celt, before tagging his memory with a date: “2009.”

“That was a great year,” adds guitarist Cannon Riggs.

“We all danced,” says Celt.

“Yeah, we all hella danced,” says Riggs.

The dawn of the decade wasn’t all dancing to Starfucker. Rod’s collective memory is crowded with unassailable Portland music: the Thermals, Wampire, Explode Into Colors, JonnyX and the Groadies. But there’s a special place in Rod’s private pantheon for younger, lesser-known Portland bands like Your Rival and Grandfather. The musicians in those bands were just a few years older, a few years cooler—far enough away to represent an ideal, but close enough to promise attainability. They gave kids something to aim for.

“Pretty much everyone I talk to, in some manner, whether it’s actualized or just speculation, is trying to make some sort of space to re-create what we experienced,” says bassist Paul Thomas of the all-ages scene that showed him the way.

Rod’s attempt at recapturing that magic began in 2014. Celt, having just returned to Portland after two years in Costa Rica, reached out to friends he’d made through Music in the Schools, a nonprofit that organizes all-ages shows to benefit music programs.

He recruited Riggs, who’d volunteered as a booker for Music in the Schools, and snagged Thomas, who once lost an MITS-sponsored battle of the bands to Celt’s high school group, Profcal. He rounded out the lineup with fellow Reed College student Alan Bishop, who’d been bouncing around the scene with bands like Kittin and Butter.

Rod’s first EP, last year’s Where I Had Gone, bears unmistakable traces of the band’s teenage glory days—the emotive pop punk of Your Rival and Joyce Manor haunts the sound—and Celt knows it. “The songs on the first tape came together over a much longer period of time,” Celt says. “It was more about nostalgia and looking back.”

Rod’s new EP, Pretty Much, heralds a songwriter and a band coming into their own. Although quickened by the spirits of ’90s heroes like Teenage Fanclub, Sebadoh and the Breeders, Celt’s recent compositions don’t sound like nostalgia for a bygone soundtrack, but like the feeling of longing itself: pained and pissed, fucked up and pretty, relentlessly restless.

Celt says he’s recently been obsessed with songwriters like Carole King and Carly Simon, so it’s safe to assume the guys in Rod are going to give up trying to re-create the exact magic that bewitched them in high school. Which is for the best. The kids in their wake need something new and beautiful to chase. They need Rod. CHRIS STAMM.

open 11-10

everyday

I

500 NW 21st Ave, (503) 208-2173 kungpowpdx.com

Sha

www.sha

Shandong www.shandongportland.com

SEE IT: Rod plays Smart Collective, 6923 SE Foster Road, with Chugger, Glacier Veins, Two Moons and Lee Faulkner, on Friday, July 15. 9 pm. $2 with high school ID, $5 without. All ages.

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New Madrid, Hosannas

[PSYCH POP] Athens, Ga., breeds some strange and glorious indie music, and Athenians New Madrid cherry-pick elements from the greatest weirdos ever to take the stage, enveloping the vocal dramatics of David Byrne, the sonic explorations of Brian Wilson and the bite of the Who. Magnetkingmagnetqueen arrives on the heels of the stellar Sunswimmer and pushes the boundaries even further out into the dark, pastoral dead space of psychic landscapes.

CRIS LANKENAU. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St. 9 pm. $10 advance, $12 day of show. 21+.

Barenaked Ladies, OMD, Howard Jones

[THE NERDS OF SUMMER] We see what you’re doing, Barenaked Ladies. Though it’s been seven years since forcibly ejecting principle songwriter and tolerable co-frontman Steven Page, you evidently have sufficient fans midst the Great White North to release an endless succession of skittering folk-pop treacle soaked in toxic cleverness—2015’s Silverball is, somehow, their 11th studio LP and third without Page. But still, you long for that late-’90s moment of weakness when America succumbed to incessant, nasal wordplay and woke up clutching a copy of Maroon. As such, you take every opportunity to linger around our larger venues while carefully selecting only those tourmates trailing hummable hits yet with even less cachet. The last Last Summer On Earth propped up Violent Femmes and Men At Work. This year, you’ve found the only synth acts (OMD, Howard Jones) whose success came despite an always gruesome stylelessness. JAY HORTON. Edgefield, 2126 SW Halsey St., Troutdale. 6 pm. $44-$85. All ages.

pairs his signature smoky voice with acoustic folk, twang and a few light servings of doo-wop and early rock ’n’ roll. It’s not his best work, but a worthy rainy-day listen from a veteran of the craft. MARK STOCK. Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark St., No. 110. 8 pm. $25. 21+.

TUESDAY, JULY 19 Twenty One Pilots, MuteMath, Chef’Special

[HIP-POP] Another Midwesternpolymath-frontman-plus-enigmaticdrummer combo, Twenty One Pilots have hurtled toward a sudden cultural ubiquity on the the undying appeal of their 2015 platinum album and ever-lengthening Emotional Roadshow tour. For all the predictable pop hooks and alturgency layered on BLURRYFACE, the boys’ fourth release, the defiantly schizo tracks tap into that ever-unsettling sound of a restless youth unafraid of overreaching and unaware of a keening shamelessness, rolling through genres (rap, emo, reggae) as blithely as the duo discard instruments (trumpet, piano, ukelele) onstage. When the duo brings out the opening bands for a medley of covers seemingly designed to irritate and confuse their elders (Bieber, House of Pain, Celine Dion, “Twist and Shout”), the effect’s less post-ironic than postapocalyptic. JAY HORTON. Moda Center, 1 N Center Court St. 7 pm. $35-$45. All ages.

Tezeta Band

[ETHIOPIAN FUNK] If anything is likely to get the elephants dancing during this year’s annual bout of zoo concerts, it’s the tide of African-influenced dance music that emanates from Portland’s Tezeta Band. And though it may not have the highest-profile gig

at the animal emporium—Tezeta plays as part of the Oregon Zoo’s low-cost Twilight Tuesday series— the seven-piece band’s recently released album, The Origin of Nightlife, is among the most cultured and exciting titles to come out of Portland’s world-music scene in some time. With soaring horn solos and driving four-onthe-floor grooves, the band will impress the big, the small and the four-legged. PARKER HALL. Oregon Zoo, 4001 SW Canyon Road. 5 pm. Free with zoo admission, $5 after 4 pm. All ages.

CLASSICAL, JAZZ & WORLD Cathedral Park Jazz Festival

[FREE JAZZ] That’s “free” as in gratis, not in the Ornette Coleman sense. The oldest free-of-charge jazz festival west of the Mississippi continues for the 36th year at the alfresco venue under the beautiful St. Johns Bridge. Actually, the jazz doesn’t start until Saturday, as Friday night’s show offers a quintet of soul, blues and R&B bands including Sister Mercy and Ken Emerson. Saturday afternoon kicks off with the young jazz artists of Portland jazz legend and educator Thara Memory’s award-winning American Music Program and continues with veteran guitarist Dan Balmer’s Go By Train. (There’s also an Earth Wind and Fire tribute.)

Sunday’s lineup features the reliably groovy Mel Brown Trio, a four-singer vocal jazz summit, and a closing set by Farnell Newton and the Othership Connection.

It’s a great free sampler of Portland’s most stalwart, mostly straight-ahead jazz artists. BRETT CAMPBELL. Cathedral Park, North Edison Street and Pittsburg Avenue.

1 pm Friday-Sunday, July 15-17. Free.

All ages.

PREVIEW C O U R T E S Y O F B A N D C A M P. C O M

straddles the thin line between Americana and traditional country, with latest release Ghosts leaning more toward the latter. Frontwoman Brittany Carter’s voice is as soothing and warm as a cup of tea, even when singing about moonshine, and her husband, Andrew Carter, serves up a steady stream of guitar and piano that rarely falters. The LP doesn’t reinvent the wheel, but with two albums to date and one on the way, If Birds Could Fly have plenty to offer roots music fans. BRANDON WIDDER. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St. 3 pm.

Free. 21+.

Soul Asylum

[ROCK OF AGES] Inasmuch as “Runaway Train” seemed so very hateable 23 years ago, the altogether lovely song has aged nearly as gracefully as its composer. A still-elfin 52, Dave Pirner has perhaps finally outpaced those early replacement-Replacements strivings alongside the ever-ill-fitting constraints of modern rock stardom. As evidenced by booking the Crystal Ballroom’s smaller room, his band is increasingly free from audience expectations. On Change of Fortune, Soul Asylum’s 11th album and their first independent release since the days of Twin/Tone, he’s at least outlasted all other original members, which allows full embrace of steel-tinged softrockers and a Tom Petty-steeped muse. JAY HORTON. Lola’s Room at Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St. $25 advance, $30 day of show. 8 pm. All ages.

M. Ward, Telekinesis

[FOLK-ROCK HERO] It’s easy to forget just how remarkable of a career M. Ward has had. The Portland folk revivalist is all too often diluted down to the “him” in She and Him, his duo with Zooey Deschanel. As his thick résumé suggests, he’s much more than that: the mastermind behind 2009’s Hold Time; a pivotal member of Monsters of Folk; and busy collaborator with the likes of Cat Power and Neko Case. His newest solo LP, More Rain,

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SassyBlack, Chanti Darling, Blossom, DJ Lamar Leroy [SCI-FI CHIC] Albums about dating usually include a great deal of self-deprecation and/or hopeless infatuation. SassyBlack’s recently released album, No More Weak Dates, covers it all—the good, the bad and the confusing—without losing sight of her own self-worth. “I’m sexy, I know it/Unique with a flare/Sci-fi chic with the bomb hair,” the former Catherine Harris-White raps on “Lonesome,” her plainspoken but subtly crafty lyrics paired with simplistic yet futuristic R&B production. Clearly, Harris-White doesn’t have time for coy bullshit. From writing to acting to producing her own music and booking her own shows, she does everything herself. Until recently, she was also a half of THEESatisfaction, the innovative Seattle hip-hop duo that broke up this spring. It’s a shame to say goodbye to THEESatisfaction, but if No More Weak Dates is any indication, allowing Harris-White more time to focus on her solo work is definitely welcome. Matched with the smooth electro-funk of Chanti Darling and Blossom’s airy R&B, this is truly a show to behold. Bring a date. SHANNON GORMLEY. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St. 8:30 pm Thursday, July 14. $12. 21+.

Alberta Rose Theatre

dates here

Emerson String Quartet

[HISTORY IN STRINGS] For nearly four decades, the Emerson String Quartet has been a powerful and uplifting force in the world of classical music. With two violins, a viola and cello, the whitehaired, nine-time Grammy winners transform centuries-old ink into complex Technicolor soundscapes, educating audiences in the history of their art form in the best way possible—by showing them how the music is supposed to sound. Performing a three-part series documenting the music of Joseph Haydn and its influence on his young protégé, Ludwig van Beethoven, the quartet will demonstrate a musical timeline that is too often forgotten, pushing audi-

ences to consider their music as a continuum of influence, rather than the byproduct of occasional crazed geniuses. PARKER HALL. Kaul Auditorium at Reed College, 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd. 8 pm Friday, July 15. $60.

Bob Ostertag

[ELECTRONIC IMPROV] Despite 20 CDs, two DVDs, five books, several electronic instruments he designed himself and four decades of performances around the world, it’s still hard to figure out exactly where to categorize Bob Ostertag. The history books will credit the 59-year-old experimental sound artist for pioneering the live use of modular synthesizer in jazz and free improv on

New York’s rich, late-’70s downtown scene with John Zorn and others. Then he headed off to help rebels fight against oppressive Central American regimes and wrote books and articles about music, culture and sex.

Whatever the legendary avantgardist delivers in this rare Portland visit—whether it involves video, electronics, improv or some combination of all of the above—it’s sure to be unclassifiable. BRETT CAMPBELL. Leaven Community Center, 5431 NE 20th Ave. 8 pm Saturday, July 16. $15, sliding scale.

For more Music listings, visit

FEATURE

(503) 764-4131 • 3000 NE Alberta

The Beethoven of Tomorrow

July 13 | 8 pm www.CMNW.org

JULY 15

BEN CAPLAN & THE CASUAL SMOKERS • SALOON ENSEMBLE • CHRIS CHANDLER & PAUL BENOIT

LAKOU MIZIK + BALANS

FRENCH-AMERICAN POP CHANTEUSE

CO u RT E SY O F YO u T u B E

+ BERGERETTE

JULY 17

JULY 22

ALBERT LEE

+ KATE TAYLOR

NOW O SALE N !

PATRICE PIKE

LEGENDARY GUITARIST

+ RAINA ROSE

JULY 28

JULY 29 AMY HELM & THE HANDSOME STRANGERS

RENEE TERRILL + THE MIKE HORSEFALL TRIO

“LET’S FALL IN LOVE”

AUG 5 AppETITE fOR DEcEpTION

Harefest FRIDAY-SATURDAY, JULY 15-16 SIXTEEN BANDS PLAY ROCK-STAR MAKE-BELIEVE IN CANBY.

And change the look. Not every show should be modeled after the 1973 Madison Square Garden performance.” —Steve Adams (Jimmy Page)

This weekend, at a racetrack in Canby, close to 3,000 people will camp out to watch the pretenders.

Chrissie Hynde won’t be there, but there will be a facsimile of Axl Rose, a faux Steven Tyler and a poseur Pat Benatar.

Now in its sixth year, Harefest is the annual summit meeting for the Pacific Northwest’s tribute scene. In that time, the gathering has expanded from a de facto high school reunion in the parking lot of the Wild Hare Saloon into a legitimate two-day music festival, a fact that, for some, is probably a bit astonishing.

But if you ask founder Jason Fell, one should never underestimate the pull of nostalgia—or the rock ’n’ roll equivalent of musical theater.

“On one level, it’s not dissimilar to going to see West Side Story,” he says. “You’re going to see people playing characters and singing songs they didn’t create.”

According to Fell, who drums in Journey homage Stone in Love, tribute acts shoulder a greater performative burden than the acts they’re portraying, which can often satisfy an audience just by showing up. “If the originals want to take a few high notes off, no one would blame them,” he says.

“Tribute bands are expected to be album-perfect.”

So, how exactly do they live up to those expectations? We asked four of this year’s Harefest performers for their secrets. MATTHEW SINGER.

Grand Royale (Beastie Boys)

Barracuda (Heart) “Heart is still playing, so we keep it retro and let them do their current thing. We take [fans] back to the beginning, where the magic really started, which was the ’70s and early ’80s, with the bell sleeves, hanky dresses, spandex and hair styles in the videos. Facial expressions, vocal inflections, phrasings and appearance are important to the overall presentation, or you are just a cover band doing a lot of Heart.” —D.L. Car (Ann Wilson)

Ramble On (Led Zeppelin) “If you’re Jimmy Page, your guitar chops must be stellar, but tempered by a low-slung guitar and the performance peppered with shots of Jack Daniels.

SEE IT: Harefest is at Pat’s Acres Racing Complex, 6255 S Arndt Road, Canby, on FridaySaturday, July 15-16. $40 Friday, $45 Saturday, $75 two-day pass, $100 with overnight camping.

See harefest.com for complete schedule.

“Kirby Jefferies, who portrays MCA, will go as far as having a few extra cigarettes right before we go on to emulate the unmistakable gravelliness that Adam Yauch had in his voice. We do costume changes on the fly during the set—everything from the average Adidas track suits from the “Fight for Your Right” video outfits to our own custom-created ‘Intergalactic’ outfits.” —Justin Enger (Mike D)

Appetite for Deception (Guns N’ Roses)

“Although Axl isn’t known for his ‘time management,’ I insist on never being late. I get my band where they need to be to get the job done. I become ‘the dictator.’ I’m not always popular with the band, but some tension amongst its members gives it a more authentic feel, as far as I’m concerned.” —Mark Thomas (Axl Rose)

AUG 17 Levon’s daughter carries the torch NASHVILLE SONGWRITER + MEMBER OF ROBERT PLANT’S BAND OF JOY

BOB SCHNEIDER AUG 18

DARRELL SCOTT

AUG 25

SESSION AMERICANA SEPT 6 • KRISTIN ANDREASSEN

GRAMMY WINNING BLUES SINGER

RUTHIE FOSTER SEPT 7

SEPT 8

MIPSO + SAM LEWIS FOLK LEGEND

TOM RUSH

SEPT 13

HUUN HUUR TU

+ + Matt Matt The The Electrician Electrician sept 17

UPCOMING SHOWS

SEPT 24

7/27 - CHAMBER MUSIC NORTHWEST SUMMER FESTIVAL: HSU AND YU IN RECITAL 8/11 - SHOW/SHOW • THE HOOFNAGLE TAPES 8/12 - A NIGHT OF SOUL: KALIMBA - THE SPIRIT OF EARTH WIND & FIRE FEATURING SOUL VACCINATION 8/13 - THE MYSTERY BOX SHOW 8/19 - PAPERBACK WRITER - BEATLES TRIBUTE

for info and tickets visit

AlbertaRoseTheatre.com Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week July 13, 2016 wweek.com

MUSIC CALENDAR WED. JULy 13 Alberta Rose

3000 NE Alberta St Chamber Music Northwest Summer Festival: The Last Quartet

Ash Street Saloon 225 SW Ash St The Heavy Eyes

Corkscrew

1665 SE Bybee Blvd Presley & Presley

Crystal Ballroom

1332 W Burnside St Ghost Bath, Underling, and He Whose Ox Is Gored

Dante’s

350 West Burnside Slow Season, Moondrake

Doug Fir Lounge

830 E Burnside St. Wye Oak, Tuskha

Euphoria

320 SE 2nd Ave, Luzcid, Shlump, Tsuruda, Cosmal & Ali Laz

High Water Mark Lounge

6800 NE MLK Ave Bisti, Small Million, Tallwomen, Seth King

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St. Mount Joy, Little Star, Oh Rose

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. 20th Anniversary: The Mel Brown Quartet

Kelly’s Olympian

426 SW Washington St. Surf Stoned

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Pete Kertsounes; The Quick & Easy Boys

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. Fear of Men, Puro Instinct, Patricia Hall

Panic Room

3100 NE Sandy Blvd Dragged Into Sunlight / Primitive Man / Cult Leader / Hands of Thieves

The Analog Cafe

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

Manhunt

The Goodfoot

2845 SE Stark St Cha Wa’s Summa’ Got Fiya Tour w/ Jujuba

The Know

2026 NE Alberta St Sloppy Kisses, Cyclops, Mr. Wrong, Damn!, DJ Ken Dirtnap

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont St, The Bloodhounds, Verner Pantons, Lasagna Orgy

The Old Church

1422 SW 11th Ave David Rothman, concert pianist

Twilight Cafe and Bar

1420 SE Powell Crimson Altar, Thieves of Eden, Troll, Wölflaut

Valentines

232 SW Ankeny St Kimberly Cordray, Galen Ballinger, Keema Kiewel, Rob Bonds

THURS. JULy 14 Aladdin Theater

3017 SE Milwaukie Ave The Fixx

Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall

1037 SW Broadway Brit Floyd

Ash Street Saloon

225 SW Ash St Mouthbreather, Salo Panto, Garanzuay, Les Symbolistes, Paper Gates

Bossanova Ballroom 722 E Burnside St. Salsanova

Bunk Bar

1028 SE Water Ave. Little Scream

Crystal Ballroom

1332 W Burnside St Lawrence

Dante’s

350 West Burnside Beca

Doug Fir Lounge

2530 NE 82nd Ave New Iberians

Euphoria Nightclub 315 SE 3rd Ave Lost Kings

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. 20-Year Anniversary, Curtis Salgado

Kaul Auditorium (at Reed College)

High Water Mark Lounge

426 SW Washington St. Why It Evolves, Nine Dice, Black’s Beach

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St. SassyBlack, Chanti Darling, Blossom, DJ Lamar Leroy

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. 20-Year Anniversary, Patrick Lamb

Kelly’s Olympian

426 SW Washington St. Boyslut, Naked Hour, Matthew Ward

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Hot Damn Scandal, Free Range Revelers; The Resolectrics

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave Mo Phillips, Jason & Johnny

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. Willis Earl Beal

The Analog Cafe

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

Beautiful Machines, Leo Islo, Indigoe, Starover Blue; The Runaway 4

The Know

2026 NE Alberta St Down Gown, Killed by Health, New Modern Warfare

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont St, The Reverberations, Isaac Rother & The Phantoms, The Mean Reds

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Faxes, Illuminati Sex Party

The Secret Society

116 NE Russell St Thursday Swing featuring The Swingtown Vipers, Joe Baker & the Kitchen Men

FRI. JULy 15 Aladdin Theater

3017 SE Milwaukie Ave Hayes Carll, Ashleigh Flynn

Alberta Rose

3000 NE Alberta St Ben Caplan & the Casual Smokers, Saloon Ensemble, Chris Chandler & Paul Benoit

Cathedral Park

Kelly’s Olympian

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Michael Hurley & the Croakers; James Low

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. Culture Shock, World/ Inferno Friendship Society

Panic Room

3100 NE Sandy Blvd The NightShift All Night Reggae Party

Revolution Hall

1300 SE Stark St #110 Fred and Toody Cole, Jenny Don’t and the Spurs (roofdeck)

Smart Collective

6923 SE Foster Rd. Rod, Chugger, Glacier Veins, Two Moons, Lee Faulkner

Star Theater

13 NW 6th Ave. The Prids, Deathcharge, Books on Fate

The Analog Cafe

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

Letters From Traffic; Horse Movies; School of Rock Concert

The Firkin Tavern

1937 SE 11th Ave Volturz, Dancing Plague of 1518, Murphy N Weller

The Know

830 E Burnside St. Portland Cello Project: Dance Party in Purple

Duff’s Garage

Down in Bridgetown featuring Speaker Minds

The Analog Cafe

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

Dälek, Drowse, Stöller

116 NE Russell St The Sportin’ Lifers; Jenny Don’t & The Spurs, Leslie Lou & The Lowburners, Blind J. Wakins

Edgefield

The Goodfoot

Valentines

221 NW 10th Ave. 20-Year Anniversary, Soul Vaccination!

The Secret Society

232 SW Ankeny St Paper Gates, Rilla, Human Ottoman

White Eagle Saloon 836 N Russell St Rococode

SAT. JULy 16 Alberta Rose

3000 NE Alberta St Rock ‘n’ Roll Camp for Girls Presents Summer Camp Session 2 Showcase

Ash Street Saloon

225 SW Ash St Green Jelly, Headless Pez, God Bless America

Bunk Bar

Crystal Ballroom

N Edison St & Pittsburg Ave Cathedral Park Jazz Festival

350 West Burnside Get Thee Slayer Hippy Back on the Throne

Doug Fir Lounge

The Firkin Tavern

1028 SE Water Ave. Genders, Divers, Public Eye

Dante’s

ROUGH TRADE: Four songs into her brisk headlining set at the Analog Theater on July 11, Mitski Miyawaki was joined by drummer Casey Weissbuch (formerly of Diarrhea Planet) in very politely imploring the venue’s sound guy to get the mix in their monitors right, before giving up on “Thursday Girl” after two tries with a resigned “fuck.” It was disappointing, not only because the song is a deep-cut gem on the new Mitski album, the magisterial Puberty 2, but because everything sounded on-point on the audience side. Whether it was intended or not, Mitski’s songs lost much of their lush fuzz in favor of starker rhythms, bringing out their goth edges. It was a good thing—the music sounded wizened, as if playing in small clubs with difficult sound had threaded a deeply felt existential texture through the band’s set. All issues and foul-ups were forgotten during “My Body’s Made of Crushed Little Stars,” one of Puberty 2’s more harried tracks that spread and grew in intensity like an angry rash.

It was so revelatory, it seemed to sap the energy from every song to come. If the night had ended there, all would have been perfect. Instead, after a primal run through “Drunk Walk Home,” Weissbuch left the stage and, alone, Miyawaki apologized for the disjointed show. In turn, she shook out a quietly crystalline “I Bet on Losing Dogs,” which she apparently never plays live. Whether or not that’s true is left to those who scour past Mitski set lists.

For the rest of us, we had every reason to believe her. DOM SINACOLA.

2530 NE 82nd Ave Pin & Horn-Its; Underwhelming Favorites; Rudy Grayzell

2026 NE Alberta St Attalla, Queen Chief, Lightning Rules

N Edison St & Pittsburg Ave Cathedral Park Jazz Festival 1332 W Burnside St Dame D.O.L.L.A.

LAST WEEK LIVE

Duff’s Garage

3203 SE Woodstock Blvd.

Emerson String Quartet

6800 NE MLK Ave Open Marriage, LFZ, House II, Offing and 555

[JULY 13-19]

830 E Burnside St. Portland Cello Project: Dance Party in Purple

Doug Fir Lounge

830 E Burnside St. Brothers and Sister

For more listings, check out wweek.com.

HENRY CROMETT

= WW Pick.

Highly recommended.

Editor: Matthew Singer. TO HAVE YOUR EVENT LISTED, send show information at least two weeks in advance on the web at wweek.com/ submitevents. Press kits, CDs and especially vinyl can be sent to Music Desk, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Please include show or release date information with all physical mailings.

Email: music@wweek.com.

Cathedral Park

Dante’s

350 West Burnside The Spits, Chemicals, Sex Crime

2126 SW Halsey St Troutdale OR 97060 Holly Miranda (winery)

Jimmy Mak’s

Kelly’s Olympian

426 SW Washington St. Joshua Powell and the Great Train Robbery, Dead Men Talking, Dana Bouy

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Redray Frazier; Billy Kennedy (all ages); Kris Deelane & The Hurt

Leaven Community Center

5431 NE 20th Ave. Bob Ostertag

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave The Jack Maybe Project; Amy Sue Berlin

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. Tango Alpha Tango, Lemolo, Snowblind Traveler

Revolution Hall

1300 SE Stark St #110 M. Ward, Shelley Short

Star Theater

13 NW 6th Ave.

1937 SE 11th Ave The Lovely Lost, The Want Ads 2845 SE Stark St McTuff

The Secret Society 116 NE Russell St The Frequence, The Faints, The Diagonal; Everything’s Jake

Twilight Cafe and Bar 1420 SE Powell City Mouse

White Eagle Saloon

836 N Russell St Lewi Longmire and the Left Coast Roasters with James Low

SUN. JULy 17 Alberta Rose

3000 NE Alberta St Francesca Blanchard with special guest Bergerette

Ash Street Saloon

225 SW Ash St Miracle Dolls, Heart Like War

Cathedral Park

N Edison St & Pittsburg Ave Cathedral Park Jazz Festival

Crystal Ballroom

1332 W Burnside St Soul Asylum (Lola’s Room)

Doug Fir Lounge

830 E Burnside St. New Madrid, Hosannas; If Birds Could Fly (patio)

Edgefield

2126 SW Halsey St Troutdale OR 97060 Barenaked Ladies, OMD, Howard Jones

High Water Mark Lounge

6800 NE MLK Ave Tweaker Sneakers, Heartless Magnus, Hella/ Mondo

Kelly’s Olympian

426 SW Washington St. Jesus Miranda, San Lorenzo, Turtlenecked

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Freak Mountain Ramblers; Tenbrook

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave Flagship Romance; Jonathan Warren & The Billy Goats

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. Malt Ball

Panic Room

3100 NE Sandy Blvd Holy Grail, Exmortus, Spellcaster

Revolution Hall

1300 SE Stark St #110 M. Ward

Rontoms 600 E Burnside St Rontoms Sunday Sessions: King Radio, Leo London, Matt Buetow

Star Theater

13 NW 6th Ave.

Shadowhouse, Sex Park, White Rooms

The Know

2026 NE Alberta St Gaytheist, Teeph, Sol

MON. JULy 18 Dante’s

350 West Burnside James Durbin; Karaoke From Hell

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. Dan Balmer Trio

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Kung Pao Chickens; Anita Margarita & the Rattlesnakes

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave Mr. Ben

Valentines

232 SW Ankeny St L.I.A.R.

TUES. JULy 19 Aladdin Theater

3017 SE Milwaukie Ave Marcia Ball

Ash Street Saloon

Beth James

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. Mel Brown Septet

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Lynn Conover & Gravel; Mimi Naja Trois

Mississippi Pizza

3552 N Mississippi Ave Naked Luck

Moda Center

1 N Center Court St Twenty One Pilots, MuteMath, Chef’Special

Oregon Zoo

4001 SW Canyon Rd. Tezeta Band

Panic Room

3100 NE Sandy Blvd Barghest, Mania, Spektral Hatchery

The Goodfoot

2845 SE Stark St Jimmy Russell’s Party City 2034

The Know

2026 NE Alberta St Fastplants, Low Culture, Bipolar Transmission, Muscle Dungeon

The Liquor Store

225 SW Ash St Kunk

3341 SE Belmont St, The Shivers, The Siren and the Sea

Crystal Ballroom

Valentines

1332 W Burnside St Sam Outlaw

Doug Fir Lounge

830 E Burnside St. The Doubleclicks, Danielle Ate the Sandwich

Duff’s Garage

232 SW Ankeny St Super Brown

White Eagle Saloon

836 N Russell St The Americans, Those Willows, Jack Martin and Laura Curtis

2530 NE 82nd Ave

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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MUSIC COURTESY OF DJ WICKED

NEEDLE EXCHANGE

DJ Wicked Years DJing: I purchased my first pair of Technics turntables in ’92. That’s when I first legitimately considered myself a DJ. Before that, I was just collecting records and fumbling around with a onebelt-drive turntable.

Genre: Golden-era hip-hop, funk, soul, R&B classics and feel-good jams. I’ll mash-up anything, even ’80s throwbacks, breakbeats and drum-and-bass—whatever it takes to ignite a dance party. And always with vinyl records.

Where you can catch me regularly: Mondays and Thursdays teaching classes at Platinum Mixlab DJ School. Wednesday nights at Panic Room. Second Saturdays at Valentines.

Craziest gig: In 2005, I did a short DJ showcase in front of a capacity crowd at First Avenue in Minneapolis, the same venue Prince featured in Purple Rain. The crowd was roaring so loud that night, the vibrations literally made the needles skip right off of the records.

My go-to records: Dru Down, “Pimp of the Year”; Sheila E, “A Love Bizarre”; Aretha Franklin, “Respect (KW Griff remix)”; Stro Elliot, “Soul II Stro”; Al Green, “Let’s Stay Together (A Skillz Remix).”

Don’t ever ask me to play: Pokémon Go. NEXT GIG: DJ Wicked spins with Z-Trip and DJ Sidestep at Euphoria, 315 SE 3rd Ave., on Saturday, July 30. 10 pm. $15. 21+.

Gold Dust Meridian

3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

DJ Tiger Stripes

Holocene

WED. JULY 13 Black Book

20 NW 3rd Ave Flavors (hip-hop, r&b, throwbacks)

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. Marti

Ground Kontrol

511 NW Couch St. TRONix (electronica)

Killingsworth Dynasty 832 N Killingsworth St Dynasty Dance Night: Night People (funk, soul, rock)

Star Bar

639 SE Morrison St. DJ Malibu Sandy

The Embers Avenue 100 NW Broadway Knochen Tanz

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Event Horizon (darkwave, EBM, industrial)

THURS. JULY 14 Beech Street Parlor 412 NE Beech Street

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Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

Bill Portland

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. A Train and Eagle Sun King (vintage cumbia)

Gold Dust Meridian

3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

DJ Joey Prude

Moloko

3967 N. Mississippi Ave. NorthernDraw

The Embers Avenue

1001 SE Morrison St. Fifty: A Possible History of Dance Music, 1966-2016 w/ DJs Cooky Parker, Freaky Outty and Gregarious

Killingsworth Dynasty

832 N Killingsworth St Strange Babes (synthpop, punk, underground)

Star Bar

639 SE Morrison St. DJ Danava

The Embers Avenue

100 NW Broadway Thursday Electronic

100 NW Broadway Friday Night 80’s & Top 40

The Lovecraft Bar

The Goodfoot

421 SE Grand Ave Shadowplay w/ DJ Carrion (goth, industrial)

FRI. JULY 15 Black Book

20 NW 3rd Ave The Cave w/ Massacooramaan (rap)

Crystal Ballroom

1332 W Burnside St 80s Video Dance Attack

2845 SE Stark St Soul Stew w/ DJ Aquaman (funk, soul, disco)

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont St, Spend The Night w/ Dean Grenier (Omnidisc)

Valentines

232 SW Ankeny St Surface Noise Vinyl Invitational Happy Hour (bring your own records)

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. Jimbo (funk, rap, electro)

CONT. on page 80

Willamette Week July 13, 2016 wweek.com

79

MUSIC Where to drink this week.

emma browne

BAR REVIEW

1. Century

930 SE Sandy Blvd., centurybarpdx.com. as american sports goes into July garbage time, Century has started highlighting its roof and showing movies on its gigantic pull-down screen and DJ-ready sound system. we vote for lots and lots of explosions.

2. Crackerjacks

2788 NW Thurman St., 503-222-9069.

The old dive’s been gussied up with a new set of owners united by a love story that started right at Crackerjacks. also, there are Jell-o shots.

3. Gestalt Haus

3584 SE Division St. German bier, bikes and local brats are a pretty simple formula for a bar—and this is a pretty simple bar, which makes it a very welcome addition to its fancy Division Street neighborhood.

4. Division Wines

!A PLACE FOR FRIENDS AND FUN!

Thank You For Voting For Us! No Cover Charge

3564 SE Division St., 503-234-7281, divisionwines.com. one of the finest wine shops in town—especially if your tastes run toward the natural, oddball and aperitif— Division now has a highly pleasant wine bar where you can happily while away your happy hours.

5. Tap Union Freehouse

100 Washington St., Vancouver, 360-726-6921, tapunionfreehouse.com.

You have to admire the historical spirit that moved Tap Union Freehouse to post the accounting license of Tilden w. randall, the accountant whose desk haunted the space for 50 years before it became the ’Couv’s newest beer bar.

SPIN CITY CoNT.

SAT. JULy 16 Beech Street Parlor 412 NE Beech Street Eliza Sohn

Bossanova Ballroom 722 E Burnside St. Blowpony (homoconfusingdisko)

Crystal Ballroom

(503) 234-6171 3390 NE Sandy Blvd 535 NE Columbia Blvd 80

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

1001 SE Morrison St. Titty Pop w/ Ill Camino & II Trill (house, hip hop, party jamz)

2002 SE Division St. DJ Andy Maximum

East Burn

1800 E Burnside St. DJ Doc Rock

Euphoria Nightclub

315 SE 3rd Ave Paris Blohm (house, trance)

Gold Dust Meridian

3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

Star Bar

SUN. JULy 17

639 SE Morrison St. Metal Monday w/ DJ Messy Uncle Jesse

Sandy Hut

Dig A Pony

421 SE Grand Ave Black Mass (goth dance)

The Embers Avenue

Beech Street Parlor

1430 NE Sandy Blvd.

DJ Dad Rock

The Embers Avenue

Double Barrel Tavern

Reagan-o-mix (new wave, hip-hop, soundtrack)

Beech Street Parlor

3967 N. Mississippi Ave. DeeJay Ross Island

Dig A Pony

2305 SE 9th Ave, Stranger Disco (techno, disco, international)

Prince vs Michael Jackson (epic dance party)

Moloko

Star Bar

District East

www.chopstickskaraoke.com

DJ Big Ben

Holocene

1332 W Burnside St Come As You Are 90s Dance Flashback 736 SE Grand Ave. Dirty Red (boogie & bangers)

Karaoke nightly till 2:30am

BIG-BONED: The newly overhauled Southpark restaurant (901 SW Salmon St., 503-326-1300, southparkseafood.com) is like Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid and the girl he wants to date: different, but same. This June, the 18-year-old downtown eatery—best known for paella, old people and the giant fish erupting from its exterior wall—breathlessly unveiled an expensive makeover. The place is lighter and brighter, and it’s added a pair of refurbished bars, although the overall feeling inside the restaurant is not much different: It’s a little touristy, a little pricey, a little overbusy with staff. But the food is new. The paella is gone, replaced by a modern small-plates menu that includes a pistachio-brittle beet salad ($8) and an octopus, melon and blood sausage dish ($15) that were both ambitious and frankly terrific. On the new, elbowed oyster bar up top—where chefs steam over from the kitchen to angrily grab whole crabs by the claws—there’s a 20-foot seafood counter display with 13 kinds of oyster even in July (halfdozens are a hefty $18), including varietals from New Zealand and Canada.

Refugees from New England will behold a treat rare on the West Coast: briny half-shell clams the size of a fist. The downstairs bar has now taken over the entirety of Southpark’s lower end, and the $9-to-$12 cocktails are new—gin drinks with not just lemon zest but juice and marionberry cocktails that announce their freshness. A disappointing $17 pork-topped hamburger, meanwhile, is somehow still too light on the meat with a distractingly hearty bun. Southpark remains a perplexing place—and yet, for the first time in years, it also seems like a place worth paying attention to.

MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

639 SE Morrison St. DJ Clovis 100 NW Broadway Saturday Top 40 Remixed

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont St, Subsensory Records showcase with Mike Gervais (techno)

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Sabbath w/ Miz Margo (darkside of rock, electronic)

Valentines

232 SW Ankeny St Signal 17 (dub, bass, dancehall)

Vendetta

4306 N Williams

412 NE Beech Street DJ Funboy

736 SE Grand Ave. Emerson (hip hop, r&b of the early aughts) 100 NW Broadway Latino Night w/ DJ Leo (latin, cubano, salsa)

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Super Fun Happy Kawaii Party (Jpop, Kpop, cosplay)

MON. JULy 18 Beech Street Parlor 412 NE Beech Street Purple Phlerpz

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. Lamar (boogie, edits, modern dance)

Ground Kontrol

511 NW Couch St.

The Lovecraft Bar

TUES. JULy 19 412 NE Beech Street DJ Kittybot

Club 21

2035 NE Glisan St. DJ Montel Spinozza

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. Atom 13 (kitchen sink o’ sonic excellence)

The Embers Avenue 100 NW Broadway Recycle w/ DJ Tibin (dark dance)

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Mood Ring (electronic, dance)

Tube

18 NW 3rd Ave. Tubesdays w/ DJ Jack

C O R Y W E AV E R

PERFORMANCE = WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Most prices listed are for advance ticket sales. At-the-door increases and so-called convenience charges may apply, so it’s best to call ahead.

Editor: ENID SPITZ. Theater: ENID SPITZ (espitz@wweek.com).

Dance: ENID SPITZ (dance@wweek.com).

TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit information at least two weeks in advance to: espitz@wweek.com.

THEATER OPENINGS & PREVIEWS CoHo Summerfest: When Thoughts Attack

Kelly Kinsella’s one-woman sketch is very meta. She plays an anxiety-ridden woman trying to present her play about anxiety while she herself has a panic attack. Dressed in thrist store styles she pulled together, Kinsella shows a sane professional coming unhinged. The actress, who admits to having stage fright herself,was once fired from acting at Disney World after of Goofy groping her boobs surfaced. Before that, she proudly did plays in a mud pit for an elite Renaissance Fair in upstate New York.

Her last one-woman show won praise from The New York Times and Backstage New York. Even better, Kinsella has worked backstage on Jersey Boys for years, and the playwright endorsed her. CoHo Theater, 2257 NW Raleigh St., 7:30 pm Thursday-Sunday, July 14-17. $21.

An Evening of One Acts

A one-off reading of one-act works by African-American playwright Adrienne Kennedy from CoHo Productions and Profile Theatre. This is the next installment of Profile’s season dedicated to Tanya Barfield, which includes works by a range of influential African-American playwrights and includes Kennedy’s reimagining of the Greek tragedy Electra and June and Jean in Concert, the story of two writer sisters born into a middle-class black family. Profile Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison St., 503-242-0080.

7:30 pm Monday, July 18. Free.

Hands Up! 7 Playwrights, 7 Testaments

As a tribute to Michael Brown’s death in Ferguson, Mo., the New Black Fest in New York commissioned seven black playwrights for seven monologues about race. This Portland staging comes from the August Wilson Red Door Project and director Kevin Jones, who is a veteran of directing Wilson’s plays and won a Drammy for acting. Each work is meant to provoke discussion, hence the unusual office venue. With works by the likes of Pittsburgh up-and-comer Nathan James and Idris Goodwin—whose How We Got On got a standing O at Portland Playhouse—the odds of seeing something worth tweeting are very good.

Wieden+Kennedy, 224 NW 13th Ave., 503-937-7000. 7 pm Friday-Saturday, July 15-16. Free.

The Moth Story Slam

Holocene’s monthly slam pits literary types against each other on stage, where each performer tells a five-minute, unscripted story. Anyone can be a storyteller as long as you have the guts to get raw on stage. Usually, the audience cringes more, but not for lack of entertainment. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 8 pm Tuesday, July 19. $14.

NEW REVIEWS Coriolanus, or the Roman Matron

Normally one of Shakespeare’s most infrequently-produced plays, Coriolanus is having a moment. Two Portland companies are staging outdoor productions of the play this month. Depending on who produces it, the Roman political drama can serve as a warning against the dangers of mob rule or an indictment of a tyrannical, self-congratulating elite. Like most art, though, it is most interesting when bounces between these two cliched poles, especially in an election year marked by extremes. Between Hillsboro’s Bag & Baggage and the

Portland Actors Ensemble, B&B sets the bar. Its all-female production is the first recorded performance in U.S. history of Thomas Sheridan’s 1754 adaptation. As the title character, Cassie Greer lends the production explosive energy, commanding the room every time she enters it.

The exception is when Bethany Mason’s equally-compelling Aufidius joins her on stage. Clocking in under two hours, the show barrels along with the vigor and electricity of General Coriolanus himself, and it’s not until the final moments of the play that the audience even has a chance to process the destruction. GRACE CULHANE. Tom Hughes Civic Center Plaza, 150 E Main St., Hillsboro, 503-3459590. 7:30 pm Thursday-Saturday, July 14-23. $20.

Odysseo

If you traverse the Tilikum Crossing at all during the week, you’ve seen it—the world’s largest big top tent. That’s where Cavalia performs their spectacle of a horse circus. Under the tent, you’ll find aerial acrobats, african rhythm players and over 60 ultra-trained horses and their trainers (who, as you’d expect, are some of the most gorgeous people the world has ever seen) dressed in flowing silks and bejeweled headdresses.

Performers crawl around their horses’ torsos as they gallop and stack themselves in human pyramids. The Arabic soundtrack is live, performed in two glass booths for you to watch. The level of control from these riders and acrobats demonstrates a company of entertainers with a lifelong pursuit and dedication to their craft. RUSSEL HAUSFELD. Extra shows are 7 pm show Wednesday, July 13 and Friday, July 22. 7:30 pm Wednesday, July 20. Zidell Yards, 3121 SW Moody Ave, 8 pm Tuesday-Friday, 2 and 8 pm Saturday, 2 pm Sunday, through July 24. $50-$120.

West Side Story

Actors Austin Arizpe and Drew Shafranek dodge each other’s switchblades in a calculated, professional fight scene halfway through Broadway Rose’s staging of this classic. Inside Tigard High School’s surprisingly professional theater, this Story is well-choreographed by Jacob Toth, but lacks energy. It is heart-stopping as Maria breaks down and characters gather around Tony’s dead body at the end, with actress Mia Pinero flailing a revolver around onstage. But at the end of an otherwise great performance, the actors looked disappointed, bowing awkwardly. Their work is solid, for those who enjoy Broadway and can handle Tigard High Schools. RUSSEL HAUSFELD. Deb Fennell Auditorium, 9000 SW Durham Rd, Tigard, 503-620-5262. 7:30 pm Thursday-Saturday, 2 pm Saturdays and Sundays, through July 24. $30-$50.

ALSO PLAYING Reefer Madness

“This is not the Keller,” announced the Funhouse Lounge emcee on opening night. While 1936’s anti-cannabis propaganda film Reefer Madness was essentially a boring public service announcement that was only tolerable to watch while high, it seems destined to fit the decommissioned carnival vibe at Funhouse. In this musical satire of the original film, the pot-crazed characters are the worst imaginable humans: torturing animals, groping their mothers, selling their own baby for weed. It’s all played with maximum comedic value in this enthusiastic production by John Monteverde. The audi-

CONT. on page 82

SOVIET UNION: Jennifer Forni and Alexander Elliott.

REVIEW

Back in the USSR PORTLAND OPERA CHANNELS TOKYO DRIFTER WITH A 1980S TAKE ON TCHAIKOVSKY’S CLASSIC.

from Pushkin’s original novel—is now recorded on a cassette tape and Onegin listens with a Walkman.

Comic relief Monsieur Triquet is now the tracksuitwearing lounge singer he was always meant to be.

Only the Soviet soldier’s uniform looks out of place, a There is a moment in Eugene Onegin when you for- reminder of an era nearing its end. get you’re at an opera at all. At the beginning of the The somber bellow of a French horn is a consecond act, Lensky wanders over to a lonely bench stant throughout the opera. Even as passions run awaiting a duel with his best friend, the headlights high, Tatiana’s love goes unrequited, and Onegin from his ’80s Volvo illuminating the falling and Lensky duel, the French horn returns, snow against a black backdrop. It looks as if to remind everyone that none of and feels more like something out of this is going to end well.

Tokyo Drifter than a nearly 140-yearThough Onegin gets the top bill“MONSIEUR old opera. Portland Opera’s proing, Forni’s Tatiana steals the show. duction of Tchaikovsky’s seven The one exception is when MonTRIQUET IS NOW sieur Triquet serenades her while lyrical scenes of romance, heartTHE TRACKSUITbreak, betrayal and loneliness set spinning on a merry-go-round.

WEARING LOUNGE You can hear the confidence and against the backdrop of the decaySINGER.” ing Soviet Union in the 1980s is an power change in Tatiana’s voice as she morphs from a lovesick teenager indecently cinematic experience.

Eugene Onegin opens with two sisobsessed with Onegin to a princess confronted by that pretentious twat five years ters, Olga and Tatiana, wandering around a playground where Soviet propaganda posters later in post-Soviet Russia. hang on the fence in the background. Tatiana (JenEugene Onegin is a “he loves me, he loves me nifer Forni) is a dreamer, her sister more a realist. not” story stretched over seven scenes (and nearly Olga (Abigail Dock) has fallen for a poet named three hours) that are filled with those heightened Lensky (Aaron Short), who arrives shortly with his operatic emotions where friendships can only neighbor Eugene Onegin (Alexander Elliott, who end in a duel on a snowy night. It is a credit to the starred in Sweeney Todd last month). actors, the company and Tchaikovsky’s original There’s a sense of déjà vu when Onegin makes his libretto and composition that the show never first appearance. It’s not from the opera or any famil- feels simple or ridiculous. Instead, you get swept iarity with the story or actors. He’s wearing the same away in a tale of Soviet love unrequited, pettiness tan top coat, T-shirt, jeans and tennis shoes as John and regret. JOHN LOCANTHI. Cusack from Say Anything. The costumes, set and IT: Eugene Onegin is at the Newmark prop design have all fully embraced the ’80s setting. SEE Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway. 7:30 pm ThursdayHigh-waisted jeans, overalls and suspenders are back. Friday, July 14-15; Saturday, July 23; and Tuesday, Tatiana’s love letter to Onegin—using the same words July 26. 2 pm Sunday, July 10 and 17. $35-$200.

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PERFORMANCE HOTSEAT CO U RT E SY O F YO U T U B E

ence gasps and hollers along. Even if you don’t consume beforehand, it’s impossible to hold in giggles. LAUREN TERRY. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th Ave., 503-309-3723. 7 pm ThursdaySaturday, through July 23. $25-$30.

COMEDY & VARIETY Comedy’s Best Kept Secret Tour

Fact: more puppies will live if you watch Dan Frigolette of HBO’s Boardwalk Empire and Shane Clark, the bespoke Hoboken Comedy Festival comic, do standup. The duo call this benefit show for the Liberty Humane Society “Best Kept Secret” because they haven’t made it big yet, but are hoping cute pets will help.

Duff’s Garage, 2530 NE 82nd Ave., 8 pm Thursday, July 14 and Hawthorne Theatre, 1507 SE 39th Ave., 9 pm Friday, July 15. $12-$15. 21+.

Jay Mohr

Jay Mohr has done everything, from appearing opposite Tom Cruise and pre-OJ Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry Maguire to playing the titular Gary in the CBS sitcom Gary Unmarried to launching his own podcast network Fake Mustache Studios. But Mohr’s first foray into show business was through comedy. He will almost certainly bust out his Christopher Walken at least once. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., 888-643-8669. 8 pm Thursday, 7:30 pm and 10 pm FridaySaturday, July 14-16. $30. 21+.

Josh Evans

The internet is where everybody goes these days to become a star.

Josh Evans has more than 160 million views on YouTube. That seems like a lot. He makes music and tells jokes, and does it all with only a webcam and a gmail account. Well now Mr. Evans is bringing that digital magic to the Helium stage IRL: that’s In Real Life for everyone who isn’t yet under the control of our YouTube-celebrity overlords. Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., 888-643-8669. 7:30 pm Tuesday, July 19. $25.

DANCE Death and Delight

BodyVox partners with Chamber Music Northwest every year for a series of music and dance pairings. This rendition will feature two Shakespeare classics, Romeo and Juliet and A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Piano soloist Melvin Chen will accompany the Romeo and Juliet ballet by Sergei Prokofiev. The Midsummer Night’s Dream performance will be performed to compositions by Felix Mendelssohn. BodyVox, 1201 NW 17th Ave., 7:30 pm Wednesday-Friday, 2 and 7:30 pm Saturday, July 14-23.

Pretty Creatives Showing

An international talent competition hosted by the Northwest Dance Project selects two emerging choreographers. New work from the winners debuts in Pretty Creatives, the culmination of their summer residency with NWDP. This year’s winners, Luca Signoretti of Italy and Anton Rudakov of Russia, have worked for years in Belgium and Germany, respectively, but this is their first in the U.S. Lincoln Performance Hall, 1620 SW Park Ave., 503-828-8285. 7:30 pm Saturday, July 16. $25.

Viajeros Flamenco

A night of flamenco music and dance with ballerina and flamenco dancer Melinda Hedgecorth, trained in the style of iconic African American activist/choreographer Alvin Ailey.

Accompanying Hedgecorth’s performance are flamenco guitarist Jed Miley and Alfonso Cid, a Seville Conservatory-trained singer and flutist. Ethos/IFCC, 5340 N Interstate Ave., 503-823-4322. 8 pm Saturday, July 16. $20.

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Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

Next Up

JUNIOR: Dylan Jenkins.

There has never been a better time to pick a new funniest person. For the past month, Helium Comedy Club’s annual Funniest Person competition has showcased new and established comics, all with designs on filling the space left by the funny people who are now, or will soon be, exPortlanders. Among the finals lineup is something you don’t see every day in Portland: somebody from here.

Dylan Jenkins was born and raised in Portland, and he’s legacy.

His father, Robert Jenkins, did comedy in the ’80s, performing with Susan Rice and Art Krug on Evening at the Improv and The Half Hour Comedy Hour. At 27, the younger Jenkins has been working the local open-mic circuit for 2½ years. Before the finals, he talked to Willamette Week about his dad, his competitors, and what it would mean to be named Portland’s Funniest Person. MIKE ACKER.

Portland is about to get a new Funniest Person.

WW: Where are you right now in your comedy career?

Dylan Jenkins: I try to hit five open mics a week. I did Helium’s Dirty Dozen, the Funniest competition the two previous years, and just started hosting shows at Harvey’s, but I’m still pretty much just out grinding on open mics.

What was it like growing up around with your dad as a local comedian?

He came up in the ’80s comedy boom and was one of the first comics to do Harvey’s. He made it to A&E and MTV, but it wasn’t like I was raised to be a standup comic. My dad was funny, but there wasn’t anything he talked about unless I asked him. I’ve known Susan Rice my whole life, but I wasn’t hanging around any other comics.

Did you know about Rice’s comedy when you were a kid?

Yeah, unlike my dad, she’s been doing comedy this whole time— she never stopped. When I was in sixth grade, for a project, we had to find somebody and interview them about their job, I did her as a standup comedian. I’ve known her forever. She took me up to Washington on my first road gig.

What has the competition been like so far?

You’ve got all your buddies, and when you see them make it through, it’s awesome, but you want to do well. So many times, we’re going to bars where there’s no one there, or no one paying attention, and if they are paying attention, there are video poker machines and drunks. Any time you get a captive audience, that’s what we all want.

What would winning mean for you?

I would love to be able to host at Helium, and winning is a big step in that direction. At this point, it’s like I’m playing with house money—there’s nothing to lose. With this lineup, all the killers who are on this show, we’ll see what happens.

Do you have a favorite?

If I was a betting man, I would say Bri [Pruett], Adam Pasi, or Nariko [Ott]…he’s my favorite. Jason Traeger is hilarious. Katie Nguyen, I’ve seen her destroy at the Brody Theater. Alex Falcone, shit man, it’s a stacked lineup.

SEE IT: The Portland’s Funniest Championships are at Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., 888-643-8669. 8 pm Wednesday, July 13. $20. 21+.

TO DAY !

2 2 2 0 NW Q UIMBY ST

5 TO 9 PM ALL AG E S O PEN TO THE PUBLIC

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C O U R T E S Y O F N I C O L E T T E S I LVA

VISUAL ARTS = WW Pick. Highly recommended.

By JENNIFER RABIN. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit show information—including opening and closing dates, gallery address and phone number—at least two weeks in advance to: Visual Arts, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: espitz@wweek.com.

The Color of Memory

Gallery owner Jeffrey Thomas curated a group show spanning decades of 2-D work by well-known artists that highlights their exploration of color and memory. But, really, these elements of inquiry can be found in most artists’ practices. So the real through line of the exhibition is Thomas himself, who is approachable and warm and who will take you through the show and tell you wonderful things. He will explain to you that a formal still life is displayed next to a canvas of total chaos because the two share the exact same palette—one contained within realism, the other blown to bits by abstraction. He will tell you about the artist who, in his dementia, is reworking old paintings, changing the memories they hold, as his own evanesce. This is the type of gallery to go into, ask questions, and listen to stories. You will be better for it. Jeffrey Thomas Fine Art, 2219 NW Raleigh St., 503-544-3449.

Through Aug. 6.

Island

A mountain of oversized ceramic heads— abstract, animal, human—rises from the floor of the Laura Russo Gallery. When sculptor J.D. Perkin started working on the installation, he concentrated on the individual faces that now make up the whole, wanting simply to have fun creating each one. As more of them came into being—people of different races, ages, stations in society—a narrative began to take shape. Some of the details—gas masks, nursing hats bearing the symbol of first aid—point to a post-apocalyptic tableau, while others, like the feeling of inclusivity, leave us with an idea of a utopia in which everyone is together and represented. Since Perkin is not a conceptual artist and doesn’t have strong designs on what the work needs to convey, we all get to decide for ourselves. Laura Russo Gallery, 805 NW 21st Ave., 503-226-2754. Through July 30.

North

Photographer Jenny Olsen’s latest series is a collection of color portraits of her home in North Portland where she lived after getting sober. “I found humility, honesty, and compassion for myself and others in this house,” says Olsen.

“I became human in this house.” Olsen shows us how it is possible to capture images of a place as lovingly, faithfully, and with as much gratitude as one might photograph a person who has kept them safe, guided them, and loved them into being. It is a meditation on how certain places in our lives can shape the people we turn out to be. Wolff Gallery, 618 NW Glisan St., Suite R1, 971-413-1340. Through July 30.

Porcelain Figurines

In his large-scale color photographs, Martin Klimas captures images of what

would otherwise be precious porcelain figurines—the type your grandmother keeps in her curio cabinet—except that Klimas rigged his camera’s shutter to open at the exact moment that the ceramic pieces crash to the ground after being dropped from a height. This creates jaw-dropping action from an object that was completely static a mere fraction of a second earlier. In one photograph, two men are frozen in Matrixlike suspended animation, but instead of a flock of birds hovering around them, they are engulfed in a cyclone of their own shattered body parts. Violence and destruction abound, but so do other things, like the process of aging captured by the breaking apart of a white-bearded figure. Blue Sky Gallery, 122 NW 8th Ave., 503-225-0210. Through July 31.

The United States v. Tim DeChristopher

Some artists devote themselves to creating objects, others to creating awareness. Andrea Bowers, an artist and social activist, falls into the latter category with her documentary short The United States v. Tim DeChristopher. The film, projected in the back gallery at Elizabeth Leach, tells the story of DeChristopher’s protest of an oil and gas auction in Utah’s untouched Red Rocks region. In an attempt to prevent drilling, DeChristpher bid on 22,000 acres of land totaling $1.8 million dollars and, upon winning, refused to pay. There are setbacks and triumphs to how things turn out—and I don’t want to spoil it—but Bowers shows us how the average person can take on powerful forces to change great swaths of our country. Elizabeth Leach Gallery, 417 NW 9th Ave., 503-224-0521. Through July 16.

Unwritten Tales

Painter Katherine Ace has spent years exploring the themes and symbolism of Grimm’s fairy tales in her work. With her most recent series, she calls on familiar imagery (wolves, frogs), but opens up her canvases to a more deconstructed magical realism, giving the impression that anything is possible. Characters from across time periods and dimensions cohabitate within single compositions, as in one of Ace’s paintings that depicts a female figure tending to a stove atop which the following are perched: a frog who may one day become a prince, the Cheshire Cat, a curious squirrel, and a raven. A lava lamp roils nearby. and what appears to be a Thomas Kinkade-esque painting, of a cottage in the woods, hangs on the wall in the background. It is anyone’s guess what will happen next, but Ace taps into our collective yearning for story and fantasy and our deep well of recognizable iconography. Froelick Gallery, 714 NW Davis St., 503-222-1142.

Through July 16.

For more Visual Arts listings, visit

comIng for you: untitled by nicolette Silva.

FEATURE

Trade Your Beer for Art How to be an art collector for 90 bucks a month.

I wandered into Blackfish Gallery on First Thursday to see the Annual Recent Graduates Exhibition, featuring the work of emerging artists from all over the state who were singled out as exceptional by their universities.

I was drawn in by Kristin Miller’s Concept in Space, a minimal abstract ink on paper that made me think of a reverse constellation—dark stars against a light sky—and by a disquieting photo by Nicolette Silva of platinum-haired, Lolita-esque twin sisters in the doorway of a white church. The two pieces are priced at $500 and $600, respectively.

And I thought: This is the perfect place to start collecting art.

If you are reading this, you are living in the single greatest city in the country to start an art collection.

Nowhere else can you find such a high level of talent combined with criminally low prices. The show at Blackfish is a great example, but really, there’s incredible value all over town. I see hundreds of pieces of art every month, and—with only two exceptions—all my favorite pieces have hovered under the $1,000 mark. Many cost half that.

I’m going to let you in on a secret: If you live in Portland, you only need $90 a month to put together a world-class art collection. I am not being hyperbolic. Skip the second latte or the fourth beer and you can be an art collector.

Most of us never think of ourselves as art-collecting types. We see the art world as a rarefied place.

August 19, 20, 21

We fear walking into a gallery and being treated as though we don’t belong or don’t know what we’re talking about. “This whole notion that you have to be extraordinarily wealthy or knowledgeable is not so,” says Jeffrey Thomas, owner of Jeffrey Thomas Fine Art in Northwest. “The way to start is by going into galleries and being curious.”

Try asking, “I’m trying to learn more about art; can you tell to me about this show?” Nine times out of 10, you will find gallery owners, managers and assistants thrilled to talk to you about art. Part of their job is to turn us on to artists they’re excited about.

If you go into a gallery and you are not treated warmly, if your questions go unanswered and your newbie enthusiasm is not embraced—it is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of them. Walk out and don’t go back. Then walk into the gallery next door and try again (and when you get home, email the name of the offending gallery to jrabin@wweek.com).

Here’s another secret: Many galleries accept payment plans. Stephanie Chefas, owner of Stephanie Chefas Projects, a gallery in Southeast that shows emerging artists, says: “If you’re only able to put $50 a month toward a painting, I’m totally good with that.

Once it’s paid off, it’s yours forever.” Thomas affirms this sentiment by telling me about one of his favorite collectors, a driver for UPS: “He has an absolute budget of $100 a month. When he comes in to buy something, it’s even more special because he’s made more of a sacrifice relative to his income.” JENNIFER RABIN. SEE IT: The 21st Annual Recent Graduates Exhibition is at Blackfish Gallery, 420 NW 9th Ave., 503-224-2634. Through July 30.

Axel Breutigam “Living with Bridges”

Axel’s debut in Portland Opening this Friday, 5 - 8 pm

Brian Marki Fine Art

2236 NE Broadway St www.BrianMarki.com 84

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

BOOKS

By JAMES HELMSWORTH. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit lecture or reading information at least two weeks in advance to: WORDS, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: words@wweek.com.

Fax: 243-1115.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 13 Diane Morgan with Miles Hassell

Nothing says “Pacific Northwest” like salmon, whose life cycles make up approximately 70 percent of all K-8 science education in the state.

Portland food critic and James Beard Award winner Diane Morgan explores the culinary and health benefits of the fish with 45 recipes in her bafflingly-named Salmon.

Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 800-878-7323. 7:30 pm. Free.

THURSDAY, JULY 14 S. J. Watson with Blake Nelson

After her sister is murdered, Julia delves into the sister’s world of Internet personas and sex to try and find answers. But soon the hunt turns to fulfilling desires of her own. From S. J. Watson, the author of amnesia thriller Before I Go to Sleep, comes Second Life. He’ll be speaking with Blake Nelson, author of Paranoid Park and The Prince of Venice Beach. Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills Blvd., Beaverton, 800-8787323. 7 pm. Free.

Under the Stars: How America Fell in Love with Camping

Now that camping season is in full swing, you might find yourself looking around at your profusion of North Face and Coleman supplies and ask how we got here.

Dan White, contributing editor for Catamaran, sure did, and so he set about camping across the states, exploring different camping trends and the history of the great summerly endeavor in the abovenamed book. Powell’s Books on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 800-878-7323. 7:30 pm.

Free.

Chad Dundas with Zach Dundas

The losses keep piling up for ’20s wrestler Pepper Van Dean: after losing his lightweight title, he loses the carnival job that he took to pay the bills. So he begins training Garfield Taft, an African-American with aspirations at the heavyweight title. Organized crime, racial tensions and medical conditions all convene in Champion of the World by author Chad Dundas. He will be speaking with his brother, Portland Monthly executive editor Zach Dundas. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 800-878-7323.

7:30 pm. Free.

FRIDAY, JULY 15 She Writes Press Spring Tour

Since 2012, She Writes Press has been uniting women writers across the country to help them overcome barriers to publishing. The organization brings its tour to Portland with founder Brooke Warner, as well as writers Patti Clark (This Way Up: Seven Tools for Unleashing Your Creative Self and Transforming Your Life), Ashley Sweeney (Eliza Waite), Katrina Anne Willis (Parting Gifts) and Hollis Giammatteo (The Shelf Life of Ashes). Another Read Through, 3932 N Mississippi Ave., 503-208-2729. 7 pm. Free.

SATURDAY, JULY 16 Mystery of Place Panel

Since the days of Sherlock padding across the foggy moors, setting has played a crucial role in mystery fiction. Three local authors come

together for a panel on the function of place in mysteries. Lisa Alber’s novels (Kilmoon, Whispers in the Mist) take place in Ireland, Joyce Lekas writes about the Southwest and Myrna Daly about our beloved Gorge. They will be joined by Michael Bigham, author of Harkness: A High Desert Mystery.

Another Read Through, 3932 N Mississippi Ave, 503-208-2729. 1:30 pm. Free.

TUESDAY, JULY 19 Maximilian Uriarte

While still serving in the Marine Corps, Maximilian Uriarte gained notoriety for his comic, Terminal Lance, which ran both online and in Marine Corps Times. His new book, The White Donkey: Terminal

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Lance, tells the story of Abe, a young Marine recruit whose idealism is crushed by the banal cruelties of a tour in Iraq. Powell’s Books at Cedar Hills Crossing, 3415 SW Cedar Hills Blvd., Beaverton, 800-878-7323. 7 pm. Free.

Pamela Royes

In the 1970s, freshly kicked from the paternal nest, Pamela Royes met up with a Vietnam vet named Skip, and they began living as wandering shepherds in Eastern Oregon. Her memoir, Temperance Creek, tells the tale. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 800-878-7323. 7:30 pm. Free.

For more Books listings, visit

HOTSEAT

Anu Partanen, THE NORDIC THEORY OF EVERYTHING

When Finnish journalist Anu Partanen moved to America, she was excited to leave what she considered a Finnish backwater and witness the bustle of American ingenuity.

But when she got here, she was in for a rude shock. America seemed kind of…backward. With no health care and everybody saddled with college debt, economic insecurity was driving people a little bit crazy, including the newly immigrated Partanen. Suddenly, Finland didn’t seem like such a podunk country after all. Meanwhile, until recently, Bernie Sanders has been on the campaign stump preaching a sort of democratic socialism a lot of people have described as a little bit Nordic itself. Partanen wrote a book called The Nordic Theory of Everything (Harper, 432 pages, $27.99) about what the Nordic experience can offer Americans. We talked to Partanen in advance of her Powell’s Books appearance July 18. MATTHEW KORFHAGE. WW: In Twitter rant form—what’s the Nordic Theory of Everything?

Anu Partanen: Personal freedom, equality of opportunity: These are common goals for everyone in the world. These are common for the U.S. and the Nordic countries. In Nordic countries, the understanding is you need to support personal freedom through arranging social services that really support independence. In the U.S., the idea is not being meddled with.

KRISTIINA WILSON

= WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Exceptional, comprehensive, personalized care for your best friend 1737 NE Alberta Suite 102, Portland (503) 206-7700 • albertaveterinarycare.com

BIRGER OLSEN WEDNESDAY, JULY 13TH AT 6PM

For fans of Portland’s country supergroup Denver, Birger Olsen is known as the one with that voice. His vocal singularity has an undeniable power. His strikingly low delivery is leisurely yet precise, while his straightforward lyrics hold a subtle humor often laced in sweet sentiments, not unlike Randy Newman, Lyle Lovett and John Prine.

CRAIG DORFMAN

AUTHOR OF “BRIGHTER DAY - A JELLYFISH STORY” SATURDAY JULY 16TH AT 5PM

After meeting in 1980, two teenagers formed a group, sparked a major label bidding war, recorded two critically acclaimed records, and toured the world. In 1994, they shook hands, wished each other well, and left. They have not spoken since. Drawing from dozens of interviews to create one seamless master narrative, Brighter Day: A Jellyfish Story follows the course of that friendship in search of the answer to the nagging question “Why, oh why isn’t there more Jellyfish music?”

So, “freedom from” versus “freedom to”?

It’s the classic philosophic idea—there’s a difference between negative and positive freedom. The freedom to do things is just as important as freedom from interference. Nordic countries are much more free.

That’s more recent. Nordic countries in the ’70s and ’80s were much more closed to the world—less diversity, there were more regulations.

It’s interesting you describe America as maybe a little backward.

The U.S. used to be the most advanced, the most educated—America really was leading the world for such a long time, it was natural that people would look to America. Over the past 30 years, income inequality has grown. America has gone backward in many ways.

Silicon Valley and business are very innovative. In so many ways, the U.S. leads the world. But in basic ways—dependence, social freedom—people in the U.S. have stayed behind. Every other wealthy country has decided to arrange health care and social services, but the U.S. hasn’t. It’s actually causing the U.S. to fall behind.

APHEX TWIN CHEETAH $10.99 CD

Aphex Twin marks his first new record in 11 months with the slow-motion bounce cooked up on the Cheetah EP for Warp. Using the impossibly rare digital synth the Cheetah ms800 (which was discontinued in the early 90’s and from what synth heads say of it, was for good measure) to create the base( bass) of each track, this relatively unknown digital synth is said to be impossibly hard to programme but those who manage to crack the code, it has the capacity to spill forth ‘low-fi digital weirdness’, so who better really than RDJ to tackle such a puzzling machine? *sale price valid through 8/10/16

SEE IT: Anu Partanen reads at Powell’s Books on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-228-4651, on Monday, July 18. 7:30 pm.

Free. Read a longer interview at wweek.com.

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C AT H Y K A N AV Y

MOVIES = WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Editor: ENID SPITZ. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, send screening information at least two weeks in advance to Screen, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: espitz@wweek.com. Fax: 243-1115.

OPENING THIS WEEK The Best of the 42nd Northwest Filmmakers’ Festival

C+ A film noir by Ira Flowers in which a cigarette-mouthed hit man drives against a ticking clock is one in a series of standouts from this carefully selected montage of experimental local films. Throughout the year, NW Film Center’s ongoing series spotlights local filmmakers. Alongside Flowers’ For Jean-Pierre Melville, there are artsy shorts like Memory by Stuart Lagon, a vignette that starkly profiles people against gritty cityscapes. Others will seem like an acid trip to the average viewer, like To See More Light or Robot Pavlov Sputnik. Perhaps that’s the idea. While some of the “best” films are deserving, many try too hard to step through the looking glass. NR. MICHELLE DEVONA. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium. 7 pm Wednesday, July 13.

Eat That Question

A Frank Zappa mostly evokes memories of big hair, peculiar mustaches and cacophonous sounds. But in Eat That Question: Frank Zappa in His Own Words, documentarian Thorsten Schütte brings the avant-garde artist back to life with a collection of archival footage, concert clips and interviews that dates back to a 1963 episode of The Steve Allen Show, in which a clean-cut, cleanshaven Zappa demonstrates how to play a bicycle. The star’s tiffs with the media seem humorous thanks to Schütte’s careful selection of mocking replies Zappa made to trite interview questions.

When asked about being interviewed, he offers this: “I don’t think anybody has ever seen the real Frank Zappa, because being interviewed is one of the most abnormal things that you can do to somebody. [It’s] just two steps removed from the Inquisition.” R. MICHELLE DEVONA. Cinema 21.

Ghostbusters

Thirty-two years after the original 1984 cult classic was released, it is apparently controversial that Ghostbusters is getting a reboot with an all-female cast and a noncontiguous story. Paul Fieg directs Kristen Wiig, Leslie Jones and Melissa McCarthy in this comedy that has ghosts and middle-aged internet men running for the hills. Screened after deadline; see wweek.com for a review. PG-13. Bagdad, Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Infiltrator

A- Riddled with cocaine, bullets to the head and Bryan Cranston, The Infiltrator is a delightfully bloody mess splattering the silver screen and an action-packed, gripping ride. Based on a true story, the action follows undercover agent and family man Bob Mazur (Cranston), who poses as a fraudulent banker cozying up to the big names in the Colombian drugtrafficking industry. Under the umbrella of infamous Pablo Escobar, Mazur, his audacious partner Emir (John Leguizamo) and alluring fake fiancee Kathy (Diane Kruger) try to keep the cocaine from reaching American soil. The storyline moves faster than a cocaine high, but Cranston holds the film together. It gives two sides to every cartel’s story, as Mazur and Kathy befriend the family of Escobar’s righthand-man, which is as welcoming as it is corrupt. Flying stacks of bills from Florida, Central America and Europe, The Infiltrator sure makes cartel life look cushy. R. AMY WOLFE. Clackamas, Oak Grove, Vancouver.

Life, Animated

A The Little Mermaid teaches autistic children writing skills in director Roger Ross Williams’ Disney doc. For most of

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us, Mermaid was an under-the-sea singalong and The Lion King our entree to the circle-of-life lesson, but for Owen Suskind, animation was vital for developing his reading, writing and communication skills. Life, Animated spotlights the Suskind family, based on father Ron Suskind’s book about raising his son with animation. From Owen’s initial autism diagnosis to the now-23-year-old moving out of his parents’ home, the film is conversational, with one-on-one interviews with each family member. It’s hard to hate Disney while watching Owen communicate flawlessly through memorized movie lines as cartoons play onscreen, presenting an intimate picture of life according to Owen. PG. AMY WOLFE. Fox Tower.

STILL SHOWING The American Side

C- This is a throwback mystery, set in a present-day Buffalo that looks like 1985, with a North by Northwest homage and a whiskey-blooded P.I. so hardboiled he references Mike Hammer. But its influences also extend to ’90s cable movies, reminiscent of a TNT or USA genre piece that relishes its shoestring budget, making up for slipshod CGI and editing with jaded wit and underrated actors.

But despite supporting parts from Matthew Broderick and Robert Forster, this Nikola Tesla-inspired conspiracy shoots for too much wonder and darkness at once, too wed to Greg Stuhr’s gullible gumshoe to make a memorable noir on the cheap. NR. CHANCE SOLEMPFEIFER. Laurelhurst.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

D Batman and Superman are fighting, and it’s hard to choose a side. The new Superman is boring and out of place in the 21st century. Batman, on the other hand, has been reinvented as a huge dickhead. Played by Ben Affleck with a characteristic lack of gravitas, Batman walks around in a silly metal suit killing people. You know how Batman never kills people? He does now. With nobody to root for, BvS:DoJ is just an unconscionably long slugfest simultaneously attempting too much and accomplishing almost nothing. PG-13. ALEX FALCONE. Vancouver.

The BFG

B- Like all Roald Dahl books, it’s an ecstatic mix of the sentimental and cruel—the story of a young orphan named Sophie abducted by a lovable Big Friendly Giant who catches and releases dreams. It is also a cavalcade of bodily functions rendered funny and an encyclopedia of brutality at the hands of other, evil giants like Bonecruncher and Fleshlumpeater. PG. MATTHEW KORFHAGE. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Roseway, St. Johns Pub and Theater, Tigard, Vancouver.

Buddymoon

B+ The star of Grimm, the villain in Pitch Perfect 2 and the director of the Al-Jazeera documentary Borderland used to be roommates, and back then, they swore they would make a movie together. Buddymoon makes good on that promise. It is a charming, bromance-in-nature comedy following David Giuntoli and German YouTube phenomenon Flula Borg as fictional versions of themselves. The trio filmed in Oregon, ad-libbing most of the dialogue in this unscripted film about a morose actor who gets dumped right before his wedding and agrees to go on his honeymoon hike with his eccentric foreign friend Flula instead of his would-be wife. NR. LAUREN TERRY. Living Room Theaters.

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

FUNERAL ATTIRE: Viggo Mortensen and the cast of Captain Fantastic.

FEATURE

Just Fantastic

VIGGO MORTENSEN AND MATT ROSS ON THE FILM THAT WON AT CANNES.

BY EN ID SPITZ espitz@wweek.com

Viggo Mortensen is talkative. People expect him to be the extreme mountain man he plays in the new Cannes favorite Captain Fantastic—mud-splattered, idealistic, good at killing things. Mortensen plays a father of six who raises his kids in isolation in the Pacific Northwest, schooling them in hunting skills, the Bill of Rights and the banjo. When he leads the brood into society for their mother’s funeral, the film becomes a quirky and emotional quest that outshines Little Miss Sunshine.

Last month, Mortensen was back in the Northwest to receive an award for outstanding achievement at the Seattle International Film Festival. The star and Fantastic director Matt Ross (Silicon Valley) sat down with WW to talk about “hippie communes,” extreme parenting, and how Mortensen became a “summer dad.”

WW: Some critics say this role was made for you. Do you think so?

Viggo Mortensen: I’ve never played someone quite like this. I’ve played characters in the woods, who’ve been seen to read a book. I even played a guy driving a bus. Because of the way people have seen me, they have ideas about skills I’m supposed to have and people I’m supposed to have killed. There’s this idea that I never wear shoes (I do like going barefoot), that I live in the woods (I did used to), and that I only eat what I kill. That’s not quite true. But I’ve never played a guy with six kids or a thought process like this.

Was it hard to play a guy with such extreme parenting ideals?

Mortensen: He starts out being this Superman in the woods. It doesn’t take long and you start to get inklings that he’s authoritarian. He’s trying so hard to be perfect. There’re not enough hours in the day for what he wants the kids to learn, it’s ridiculous. I expect that there will be people who have an ideologi-

cal bent from the get-go who are not going to open up and see that there is no hero. If there’s something redeeming in the end, it’s that he eventually finds a way to adapt and to admit that he’s made mistakes.

How did you prepare? I read that you skinned animals?

Matt Ross: We sent the kids to wilderness survival camp. The two teenage girls butchered a sheep to learn how to skin an animal. George [MacKay] was taking yoga. Everyone was doing rock climbing. Viggo was building the garden and learning the bagpipes. That was all an invitation for them to bond and see Viggo as their dad before the film. They ended up calling him “summer dad.” That happens on a lot of movies. If you’re a working actor, it’s a nomadic lifestyle.

Is this an autobiographical story?

Ross: It’s not autobiographical. I lived on hippie communes, but I don’t call them communes because it was the ’80s, so they weren’t ’60s communes. They were “alternative living situations.”

At one point we lived in tepees. But it’s more about me having questions when I had kids—what I want to pass on and protect them from. It was a way to ask those questions in the form of a narrative.

This movie is hilarious, but also really sad.

How would you explain its comedy?

Mortensen: There are a lot of funny things in the movie, but they come out of the contrast between [the kids] and the people they encounter, or the precociousness of a young kid having certain questions. We’re not trying to be funny. The situation might be funny, but we play it real, and that’s what makes it funny.

Ross: It’s ironic that we refer to sitcoms as “situation comedies,” when sitcoms are actually the antithesis of situational. The whole thing is a setup for punch lines. True situational comedy comes out of situations. It’s funny that somebody might wear [a onesie and gas mask] to church, but they’re just trying to honor their mother.

A SEE IT: Captain Fantastic is rated R. It opens Friday at Fox Tower.

Captain America: Civil War

A- Captain America: Civil War,

though, is proof you can jam pretty much every superhero in your roster into one film and still let individuals shine. In pitting team Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) against Team Cap (Chris Evans) over a suspiciously fascist registration law for “enhanced humans,” directors Joe and Anthony Russo could have just put the heroes in a big-ass sandbox and let them duke it out. They do that, and it’s spectacular. But there’s nothing redundant in the action here, from a Bourne-esque opening chase to close-combat thrills reminiscent of The Raid to a surprisingly subdued and heartfelt finale. The Russos have heard your complaints about universe-building at the expense of story. Civil War is fun. It’s smart. It’s coherent. And, most importantly, it allows its heart to beat strongly amid the chaos. Your move, DC. PG-13. AP KRYZA. Fox Tower.

Central Intelligence

C A buddy action comedy that relies on cheesy stunts, penis jokes and bro buffoonery—like most of its genre brethren—Central Intelligence is a far cry from anything resembling intelligence. Dwayne Johnson, once the overweight target of bullies in high school, shows up 20 years later as a steroid-ridden CIA agent who recruits former classmate Kevin Hart, now a number-crunching desk jockey, to help him solve a case. PG-13. MICHELLE DEVONA. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Conjuring 2

B- First thing’s first: The Conjuring

2 is often very scary. The story of a downtrodden British family in Enfield tormented by the vengeful spirit of an old cockney man ups the voltage slowly but steadily. Never mind that the true story is reportedly a hoax: Scary’s scary, and for at least its first hour, C2 delivers an old-school haunted-house experience of the Poltergeist variety. R. AP KRYZA. Cedar Hills, Clackamas, Division, Fox Tower.

Finding Dory

B+ The sea has become a little

more existential since Nemo got found. The Nemo clan’s all here—the SoCal sea turtle still stoned—plus the introduction of a likable, pessimistic octopus named Hank (Ed O’Neill) and catty sea lion (Idris Elba). The film keeps its Nemo charm and comedic voices while offering a more serious tone for Pixar’s message: We are all special, in our own way. PG. AMY WOLFE. Bagdad, Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Milwaukie, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, St. Johns 1 & 2, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Fits

A- Director Anna Rose Holmer’s first feature film, The Fits, introduces a young, tomboy boxer named Toni (Royalty Hightower) and her struggle to fit in. When Toni pivots from boxing and joins an all-girl dance team, the Lionesses, she’s lost in the lip gloss and girly-girl attitude of the dancers. Holmer’s film never loses its punch, though. Drawing on slowmotion shots of workouts, dance scenes, and mysterious fainting spells that begin to afflict the dancers, the director avoids the cutesy approach to preteen struggles that we usually expect from such films. In the best scenes, dancers take over urban areas, like a highway overpass, with their heavy breathing echoing across the cityscape as the camera pans out. NR. AMY WOLFE. Living Room Theaters.

Free State of Jones

B The trailer smacks of another story of a “great white man” pushed over the edge. Matthew McConaughey is a Mississippi farmer who turns against the Confederacy in what amounts to a less cliché retelling of a truly fascinating, forgotten bit of history. The bad guys are not the South, war or slavery (although they are all bad). The real enemies in this movie are the haves and the have nots. The film’s struggle for liberty outlasts the main character, Newt Knight, and the Civil War, staying relevant to modern-day issues but happily devoid of any references to the present day. It’s a true epic that should sit alongside films like Glory. R. EZRA JOHNSONGREENOUGH. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division.

Green Room

B+ Patrick Stewart plays the big bad leader of a backwoods gang of white supremacists. The punk-rock band that falls into his clutches is loosely led by Anton Yelchin (Scotty in the new Star Trek films), and the band is on an unsuccessful tour, taking a detour to play a paying gig at a neo-Nazi compound. There, the band witnesses a murder that these guys won’t let them walk away from. The characters on both sides are loosely drawn but smart enough not to make stupid decisions, which makes the delay of action last longer than expected. The outcomes are unpredictable, shocking, grisly and really fun. PG-13. EZRA JOHNSONGREENOUGH. Laurelhurst.

Independence Day: Resurgence

Director Roland Emmerich waited 20 years to revisit Independence Day. Will Smith won’t be back in his starmaking turn, but Jeff Goldblum and other essential cast members are back to stammer and stare wideeyed as monuments go boom once more. Not screened for critics. Not a good sign. PG-13. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

TO DAY !

2 2 2 0 NW Q UIMBY ST

5 TO 9 PM ALL AG E S O PEN TO THE PUBLIC

The Jungle Book

B+ Director Jon Favreau may have been out to show off the latest in special effects, but his reverence for the classic 1967 cartoon shines through all the digital rendering. He probably should’ve thought twice before having Bill Murray sing a warbly, soulless version of the “Bare Necessities,” but even I felt a shiver of childhood nostalgia when the familiar drum beat played in the opening credits. PG. LAUREN TERRY. Academy, Avalon, Empirical, Kennedy School, Valley.

Keanu

B- The movie is named after the adorable escaped pet of a Mexican drug lord, and the poster is of said kitten, but the film’s real draw is clear: Jordan Peele and KeeganMichael Key, the comedy duo from the gone-too-soon sketch show Key and Peele and the not-gone-soonenough MADtv. It’s essentially a movie extrapolation of that bit about “White Sounding Black Guys,” which leads to some hilarious moments.

At the same time, it’s a skinny framework for carrying a movie. R. JAMES HELMSWORTH. Academy, Laurelhurst, Vancouver.

The Legend of Tarzan

Alexander Skarsgård and his 24-pack abs take to the jungle in an effort to make me die of heat stroke.

Thanks a lot, Skarsgård. Because of you, a whole generation of dudes got a gym membership for Father’s Day. But Googling Hozier’s music

CONT. on page 88 Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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MOVIES

Len and Company

Murmurs P.6

B A famous rocker-turned-music producer named Len (Rhys Ifans) retires from his hard-rocking glory days and reverts to a shut-in lifestyle. Director Tim Godsall’s familiar comedy-drama follows the burnout, his sensitive son Max (Jack Kilmer), and a pop-star train wreck named Zoey (Juno Temple), who lives with them, as they navigate relationships worthy of love-song lyrics. The funnier moments involve Len awkwardly interacting with society, like his career-day speech acknowledging he is rich in money and T-shirts but full of bitterness. Through the basic storyline and predictable father-son onscreen tiffs, Ifans and Temple embody the fatigued musicians usually seen on TMZ covers and entering hospitals for “exhaustion.” NR. AMY WOLFE. Cinema 21.

TERRY. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Fox Tower, Living Room Theaters, Lloyd, Oak Grove, St. Johns 1 & 2, Tigard, Vancouver.

Money Monster

C- George Clooney stars as a financial TV show host in the vein of Mad Money’s Jim Cramer, with Julia Roberts as his capable director and Jack O’Connell as the gunman who takes the studio hostage during a live broadcast. R. EZRA JOHNSONGREENOUGH. Academy, Jubitz, Valley, Vancouver.

The Music of Strangers

B Within the first few moments of this film, some of the world’s best musicians are seen playing an eclectic tune in an open-air market adjacent to the sea, defying any notions one might have had about an orchestral

documentary. Morgan Neville (director of 20 Feet From Stardom) returns to a musical theme while following Yo-Yo Ma’s unlikely international supergroup through the struggles of war, bigotry, isolation and cultural exchange. As the musicians devise new takes on old traditions, they also find themselves questioning art’s effectiveness against man’s capacity for evil and passivity toward hate. PG-13. CURTIS COOK. Fox Tower.

The Nice Guys

A- The Nice Guys exists in some

weird, hyperviolent mirror image of Los Angeles—one that looks a lot like Atlanta. It’s like Roger Rabbit’s Toontown, but populated with cartoons that bleed. The movie plays like a 1970s spiritual sequel to writerdirector Shane Black’s 2005 Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, a winking landmark of self-aware grit that revital-

REVIEW COURTESY OF ANNAPURNA PICTURES

video—a sad man at a piano spliced with softcore porn and animal nuzzling—will give you a good idea.

PG-13. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Fox Tower, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Lobster

B+ The Lobster is one of those dystopian sci-fi movies that needs to spend the first 30 minutes laying down the ground rules of the setting.

David (Colin Farrell) is single, which is outlawed, so he goes to a singles retreat. But there is one catch: If you don’t find a mate within 60 days, you will be turned into an animal. On the plus side, you get to pick your animal.

David chooses the lobster. R. JOHN LOCANTHI. CineMagic, Cinema 21, Kiggins.

Love & Friendship

B+ Kate Beckinsale stars in Whit Stillman’s vicious comedy of manners as Lady Susan Vernon, an accomplished flirt and recent widow who guilts her sister-in-law into hosting her and then brings a maelstrom of drama into the household, mainly in the form of would-be suitors and a runaway daughter. Lady Susan may have no shame, but Beckinsale plays up her character’s propriety, always pronouncing her witty, backhanded comments with a composed pout. R. LAUREN TERRY. Fox Tower.

Maggie’s Plan

B Greta Gerwig plays a chronically single woman who falls for a wannabe novelist, matched by a terrifically severe performance from Julianne Moore as the novelist’s wife.

From writer-director Rebecca Miller, the film’s ambience is the heir to ’70s Woody Allen, right down to the gypsy jazz. R. CHANCE SOLEM-PFEIFER. Cedar Hills, Laurelhurst.

Me Before You

D Take me back to before I witnessed the train wreck that is Me Before You. Based on Jo Jo Moyes’ bestselling novel, it’s no surprise the film’s death with dignity plot is already suffering backlash ranging from angry twitter hashtags to picketing outside film screenings. PG-13. AMY WOLFE. Bridgeport, Clackamas.

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

C Based on a true story of hard-partying brothers Mike and Dave Stangle (Adam DeVine and Zac Efron), this summer comedy is a frat fantasy in which the Stangles use Craigslist to find parent-friendly dates for their sister’s wedding. Writers Andrew Jay Cohen and Brendan O’Brien rely on the dynamic between Efron’s straight man and DeVine’s screeching tantrums, but their lack of comedic chemistry fails to carry the simple storyline. Anna Kendrick plays the neurotic sweetheart, Alice, whose best friend (Aubrey Plaza) sees the Hawaiian wedding as a free vacation.

They play their girl-next-door parts well, until marijuana smoke starts rolling out of their room. But switching the roles would’ve been funnier here, with Kendrick as the bad girl who trades oral sex for Rihanna tickets, and Plaza as a twittering mess who falls for DeVine’s soft side. R. LAUREN

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Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

PUPPY-DOG EYES: Danny Devito.

Au Hazard Wiener-Dog

Your first pet is often how you learn about the world. It is your first best friend, probably the first thing you see have casual sex, and your first loved one to die. Todd Solondz’s new offbeat comedy examines the role of the pet in four vignettes. An elementary school boy, an awkward and lonely 20-something vet tech, a cynical screenwriter on the downward arc of his career, and a bitter old woman all have one thing in common: a dumb brown wiener dog.

The titular dog doesn’t do much, mind you. She is actually a remarkably restrained specimen of the dachshund breed. She isn’t the calf-biting, mailman menace of so many Far Side cartoons. She doesn’t yip. She doesn’t bite. She does eat a granola bar and vomit all over the house, but nobody is perfect. For most of the film, Wiener-Dog is simply there.

Solondz’s cynical view of humanity is on full display here. A mother (Julie Delpy) explains to her son why the dog needs to be spayed with a story about a big black dog with venereal disease raping other dogs. Sometimes this works, at other times, the film just feels relentlessly bleak, reveling in the futility of its characters. The vignette about an over-the-hill screenwriter (Danny DeVito) is oozing with contempt for hack teachers, film students, agents and directors.

Even through all that cynicism and misanthropy, there is a certain compassion in Wiener-Dog. The kid’s parents may be overbearing assholes, but for one wonderful afternoon, he gets to have fun playing with a wiener dog, destroying pillows as feathers fill the air.

The vet tech (Greta Gerwig) and her childhood friend (Macaulay Culkin’s younger brother Kieran) have no chemistry or charisma whatsoever, but they have a wiener dog to bring them together.

Maybe we’re all just looking too deeply for meaning in a movie that has an extended scene of a wiener dog being run over by trucks and cars. Wiener-Dog is a cringe comedy masquerading as a companion film. It’s Solondz trying (and usually succeeding) to mine laughs out of a father telling his son, “You need to break a dog. Break their will so they will submit to your will. So they act more like humans.” It is a film sneering at how terrible people are, and you are so terrible that you will probably laugh too. JOHN LOCANTHI.

Greta Gerwig, Danny DeVito and Macaulay Culkin’s little brother pass around a pathetic dog.

C+ SEE IT: Wiener-Dog is rated R. It opens Friday at Living Room Theaters.

Swiss Army Man

C- A hyperbolic spectacle more than anything else, Now You See Me 2 supersedes its predecessor on every level of absurdity. Jesse Eisenberg leads the Four Horsemen in his usual irritatingly haughty fashion as the gang goes on a mission to steal a computer chip that can control the world. Trying too hard to be cool with a string of tricks each more ridiculous than the next, the flashy caper proves anything but magical. PG-13.

MICHELLE DEVONA. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas.

farting corpse boner movie” since its Sundance premiere, Swiss Army Man somehow makes flatulence and an erection even more preposterously important than that description suggests. Together, they are symbols of body positivity, courtesy of a cadaver. The living member of this two-man show is Hank (Paul Dano), who opens the movie in preparation to hang himself on a deserted island. What stops him is a dapper corpse (Radcliffe) washing ashore. Hank will come to call the body “Manny,” and it will start farting almost immediately. This debut feature from Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert finds its keel with Dano carrying the corpse inland, convinced of its magic. In gorgeous, intense montage sequences, the actors make their own world from flotsam and litter. Swiss Army Man is surrealist like Calvin & Hobbes is. R. CHANCE SOLEM-PFEIFER. Bridgeport, City Center, Clackamas, Fox Tower, Hollywood, Vancouver.

Our Kind of Traitor

Vita Activa: The Spirit of Hannah Arendt

Now You See Me 2

B- It is not great like Tinker Tailor

Soldier Spy, but Our Kind of Traitor satisfies in a pinch. The everyman anchoring Traitor is poetry professor Perry Makepeace (Ewan McGregor), who looks less like the chinless wimp his name implies and more like Movie Star McGregor with longish hair. If Makepeace were the recluse his name implies, we might be more engaged when he is thrown into the company of dashing MI6 agents and burly Russian mafiosos. R. ZACH MIDDLETON. Bridgeport, Clackamas, Fox Tower.

Popstar

C From the music parody trio the Lonely Island (Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone, Akiva Schaffer), the mockumented rise and fall of fame-mongering musician Conner4Real is a sketch’s sensibility spread thinly, or simply repeated, across a film’s length. R. CHANCE SOLEMPFEIFER. Vancouver.

The Purge: Election Year

C- This third installment finally delivers the fleshed out storyline the Purge series deserves, but our violent reality offscreen makes this fiction a lot less appealing.

Veteran director James DeMonaco this time broadens the story to show us the world that thought up this one day a year when you can commit any crime.

The story would be more entertaining if the script exercised greater subtlety.

Instead, one-dimensional characters spell out health insurance reform and Trump rhetoric, combined with nightmarish imagery of murder tourists from Germany and sadistic girl gangs waving AK-47s. R. LAUREN TERRY. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Secret Life of Pets

Louis C.K. voices a pampered terrier who gets sucked from his NYC home into a tough gang of pets set on punishing the people who’ve wronged them. It looks heart-rending like Pixar and candy-colored like Minions, with Kevin Hart as the cherry on top. PG. Beaverton, Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Milwaukie, Moreland, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Shallows

C+ In spite of the worrying combination of Blake Lively, a computer-generated shark, and director Jaume Collet-Serra (House of Wax), many critics welcomed The Shallows as a relief from the sequels and summer superhero flicks.

But drone shots of an aquamarine coastline do not a good film make. The story follows basic action-movie format: Nancy (Blake Lively) is taking time off from med school to retrace her late mother’s surfing tour through Mexico. Once you make it past the ill-fitting techno music as Nancy paddles into the break and a hungry shark strands her on a rock, the film grows into a decent thriller. PG-13.

LAUREN TERRY. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Fox Tower, Lloyd, Tigard, Vancouver.

AP FILM STUDIES

B+ Known as the “Daniel Radcliffe

A- Ada Ushpiz’s black-and-white doc about the colorful life of German-Jewish philosopher Hannah Arendt carefully combines interviews of supporters and haters, love affairs and her think pieces such as Eichmann in Jerusalem (1963) on the big screen in a way 21st-century audiences can relate to. NR. AMY WOLFE. Living Room Theaters.

Warcraft

D+ A tremendous ensemble of prettyboy Humans and CGI Orcs play out petty concerns to no resolution for over two hours of meandering story that’s only function is to set up sequels. PG-13.

MIKE GALLUCCI. Cedar Hills, Clackamas, Vancouver.

Weiner

A His name is Anthony Weiner, and he’s been busted for dick pics (again). “And for that, I am profoundly sorry,” he says over and over, trying to affect the perfect tone of sincerity. Weaving together clips from cable news shows, YouTube videos, and footage filmed onsite at crucial moments, the new documentary shows the rise and eventual implosion of Weiner’s 2013 campaign for mayor of New York City. It’s the unprecedented level of access to the subject that makes Weiner a necessary and unflinching look at how the sausage of modern politics gets made. R. ZACH MIDDLETON. Laurelhurst.

X-Men: Apocalypse

B+ The latest in the X-franchise proves that the Marvel Cinematic Universe is not the only home for A-grade superhero fare. With Apocalypse, writer Bryan Singer has finally steered the ship back on course, crafting one of the greatest comics pictures to date. PG-13. NATHAN CARSON. City Center, Clackamas, Division, Tigard.

Zero Days

A- Without respite this decade, Alex

Gibney has plumbed himself a reputation as perhaps America’s best investigative documentarian. Now he takes on Enron, Jack Abramoff, Scientology and Lance Armstrong. Here Gibney finds his lane amid Errol Morris’ talent for the probing interview and Michael Moore’s flare for the topical. His latest, Zero Days, is a breakneck primer on cyber warfare, hinging on the 2010 revelation of the U.S.- and Israel-created Stuxnet malware attacking Iranian nuclear facilities. For many viewers, this will be crucial viewing from the technological and military frontier. PG-13. CHANCE SOLEM-PFEIFER. Cinema 21.

Zootopia

B Every dynamic, doe-eyed character in this animated adventure brings laughs for the kids, and hope for adults that their children won’t adopt Donald Trump ideals. PG. AMY WOLFE. Academy, Valley, Vancouver.

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C O U R T E S Y O F G L A D D E N E N T E R TA I N M E N T C O R P

ized Robert Downey Jr.’s career. And it’s kind of perfect. The plot is inconsequential, involving a dead porn star, a bunch of gangsters, a missing student, some more gangsters and the auto industry. But all of that is just an excuse to get its perfectly cast stars lobbing insults.This movie starts at full speed and never stops. R. AP KRYZA. Academy, Fox Tower, Joy, Jubitz, Kennedy School, Laurelhurst, Valley, Vancouver.

dead man walkinG: Ted kotcheff’s Weekend at Bernie’s

Working Stiff WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S AND THE DEATH OF AN AUTEUR.

BY A P kRYzA

@apkryza

There’s a certain tragedy to watching the 1989 comedy Weekend at Bernie’s, and it’s not the fate that befalls the titular Bernie Lomax as his corpse is trucked all over the coke-streaked Hamptons of yore.

The tragedy here is that Bernie’s seems the kind of movie that was meant to say something really deep amid all the rampant corpse defilement.

That’s not immediately apparent in the film, which features two dipshit finance bros who roll down to the Hampty Hamps to visit their boss. They find him dead, but to protect themselves from the mobsters who murdered Bernie, and to keep the party going because it’s the fuckin’ ’80s in the Hamptons, the pair staples Bernie’s toupee to his head and pretends he’s still alive.

The joke is, nobody notices he’s dead. They’re too high, self-involved and into those bitchin’ synth beats on their Walkmans. It’s a recipe for a standard bullshit ’80s romp, like Ski School.

Things get fascinating though, when you realize the man behind the camera is Ted Kotcheff, an auteur turned journeyman who cut his teeth on the long-lost existential Australian classic Wake in Fright but is best known to U.S. audiences as the man behind the surprisingly empathetic First Blood. It was Kotcheff who first introduced audiences to John Rambo when he was a PTSD-afflicted vet looking for peace rather than a one-man death squad. He’s also behind Uncommon Valor, the 1983 war film that starred Gene Hackman and a young Patrick Swayze.

You don’t get to be a working director of crap unless you play ball. Kotcheff probably thought there was a lot more to say in a film that takes place at the apex of Wall Street greed and focused on perhaps the most arrogant and narcissistic generation of all time. I like to think he thought he was taking the Trouble With Harry template to make this his Wall Street, a satire of greed that starred a goofy

corpse that had a shitload of blow lying around in his luxury beach house. But that kind of existential shit doesn’t put butts in seats, dammit.

Instead, we got a movie about a water-skiing corpse that two idiots use to get free drugs and party and get laid. Weekend at Bernie’s became exactly what the script called for, nothing deeper.

Naturally, it was a hit that spawned a sequel to the zany adventures of America’s favorite remarkably preserved corpse, and Kotcheff schlepped off to make episodes of Red Shoe Diaries.

The Bernie’s sequel and subsequent loss of Kotcheff as a voice are tragedies far greater than the late Bernie Lomax’s demise.

GO: Weekend at Bernie’s is showing at Cartopia. 9 pm Sunday, July 17. Free. alsO showiNG:

Raising Arizona—one of the Coen brothers’ most infinitely pleasurable creations—makes a welcome return, hopefully resulting in a shortage of pomade and diapers. Pix Pâtisserie.

Dusk Wednesday, July 13.

The NW Film Center pays tribute to late schlockmeister Edward D. Wood Jr. with a screening of the granddaddy of “so bad it’s good” cinema, Plan 9 From Outer Space, and Tim Burton’s outstanding, loving biopic Ed Wood. Plan 9: Hotel deLuxe, 7 pm Thursday, July 14. Ed Wood: NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium, 7 pm Friday, July 15.

James Cameron’s bombastic, terrifying, cinemachanging Aliens screens in Portland all the time.

This weekend, it’s in glorious, detail-rich 70 mm.

Game over, man. Hollywood Theatre. July 15-17.

The classic Jets-vs.-Sharks musical West Side Story in 70 mm brings Robert Wise’s classic golden-age masterpiece to the screen the way it was meant to be seen. Hollywood Theatre. July 15-17.

The NW Film Center’s Bette Davis-Joan Crawford retrospective continues with 1938’s Davis-starring Southern romance, Jezebel. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium. 4:30 pm Sunday, July 17.

For those of you who follow this column (hi, Mom!), you know I revere Kathryn Bigelow’s Point Break as the greatest action film of all time. It is a feminist deconstruction of male machismo and a fantastic entry in the surfing, bank-robbing, car-chasing, sky-diving, Zen, buddy-cop genre. It never screens here. Here’s your chance to hork down some meatball subs and have your adrenal gland pumped by the sight of a Swayze emerging from the deep and descending from the heavens. Mission Theater.

Opens Sunday, July 17. Closes never, hopefully.

Willamette Week JULY 13, 2016 wweek.com

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Five Cannabis Strains Great For Battling Depression

BY JA N ELLE A LB U KHA R I

Like a seesaw from hell, depression and anxiety often go hand in hand. They’re two disorders on the mental health spectrum that are often comorbid, meaning they have a tendency to crop up simultaneously in patients. Since depression isn’t “one size fits all,” one of the best ways to conquer it is to break it down into a list of treatable symptoms. You can then examine a strain’s composition to find terpenes and cannabinoids offering symptom-specific relief for you.

Here are my top five local strains for managing depression on a long-term basis. Keep in mind that clinical depression is a serious medical condition that should not be taken lightly. We strongly recommend consulting a physician if you believe you are clinically depressed and talk to them about whether you should use cannabis as a part of your treatment.

1. Jillybean

24.9% THC, 0.07% CBD Oregon’s Finest, 1327 NW Kearney St., 971-2544765, ofmeds.com.

An upbeat and happy hybrid, Jillybean addresses a variety of depressive symptoms, including pain, stress and fatigue. Strains high in the terpene limonene work wonderfully as mood enhancers, and Jillybean is full of that sweet, powerful citrus smell, so you know it’s a winner from the get-go.

A bowl of this induces a fit of the giggles, though I have to say they’re pretty productive giggle sessions. I feel creative and smiley without feeling too recklessly euphoric.

2. Girl Scout Cookies #12

22.23% THC, 0.08% CBD Attis Trading Company, 2606 SE Gladstone St., 971-544-7685, attistrading.com.

This batch left me writing strain notes like this: “I’m very smiley. Update: Now giggling. Can’t stop. Contagiously good mood.”

It’s a hybrid that specializes in mind-bending euphoria complete with full-body relaxation.

The high CBG content—a cannabinoid with strong anti-inflammatory properties—makes it well-suited for dealing with pains, aches and appetite loss.

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3. Shishkaberry

22.26% THC, 0.39% CBD Fresh Buds PDX, 110 SE Main St., 503-477-4261.

One of the worst aspects of depression, insomnia, is generally treated with the use of an indica-dominant strain. The danger here, though, is that indicas often cause “couch lock,” which can be difficult for patients with low or waning energy levels.

Packed with a strong berry smell that reminded me of Starburst, Shishkaberry works wonders for insomnia, lack of appetite and pain management. This strain managed to turn the normal indica experience on its head for me: It starts off slow with a nice, mental buzz that’s rife with energy and slowly works its way down to a heavier, more relaxed state.

4. Dutch Treat

25.10% THC, 1.52% CBD Treehouse Collective, 2419 NE Sandy Blvd., 503894-8774, pdxtreehouse.com.

This sativa-dominant hybrid smells so good that just opening the bottle is a constant source of delight to me. At 25.10 percent THC, it’s on the higher end of the THC spectrum with a sweet, piney smell that’s downright irresistible. It’s a “take a load off” strain with an uplifting, gentle head high that visibly calms and improves your mood, making it easy to see why patients turn to Dutch Treat to cope with perpetual stress.

5. Tangerine Power

23.45% THC, 0.08% CBD Rip City Remedies, 3325 SE Division St., 503-2356000, ripcityremedies.org.

While you could argue that the primary components of depression can be loosely categorized as exhibiting a low mood, lack of energy, and other physical effects like insomnia, one of the most debilitating tolls depression takes is on your creativity.

A powerful strain that’s ideal for creative types who want to stay functional, this citrusheavy hybrid not only combats ailments common to depression like migraines and nausea, but infuses a heavy dose of creativity into the user. All it takes is less than a bowl’s worth before I want to paint, draw, write—anything to capitalize on the flurry of exciting new thoughts.

Please enjoy responsibly in compliance with Oregon Laws. Keep out of reach of children and animals.

Do not operate any vehicle or machinery after use.

Willamette Week July 13, 2016 wweek.com

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My father would take us to the World Bathroom Attendant Conference every year, back when they still held it in Portland in the middle of August at the old Convention Center. We went on Tuesdays, the one day the conference was open to the public and free if you could prove Portland residency.

We would walk among the booths, viewing the most recent gadgetry and products that would eventually appear on bathroom counters across the country—cologne, adhesive bandages, gum, and miscellaneous what-haveyous. I remember a vendor who sold a variety of novelty soap dispensers, one of which was a tropical bird that, if you pressed the tail feathers, would release soap from its cloaca onto your hand as if crapping in it.

For that week in August, all the restaurants in town stationed attendants in their restrooms. Some fancy places, like Chart House and RingSide, had multiple attendants. Money flowed through the city. Everyone went out to eat more often than they would normally so they could patronize the visiting bathroom attendants. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits, a joviality matched only by Christmastime. Longtime Portlanders, please feel free to share your happy memories of WBAC Week via U.S. Mail or the website commenting platform.

Unfortunately, as you may know, the WBAC is not held in Portland anymore but rather Sacramento. This August will mark 20 years since it moved.

People have forgotten that the Oregon Convention Center was built to accommodate the growing number of bathroom attendants at the WBAC, its marquee event. The two glass spires, you may not realize, were designed to look like soap or lotion dispensers from a certain angle.

So how did the relationship between Portland and the WBAC sour? It began when the new landlords unreasonably inflated the reservation fee for the WBAC several years in a row. Then, they began scheduling a street artist convention featuring many sleight-of-hand practitioners during that same week, and many bathroom attendants would report missing items and curiously empty tip jars.

Then, the biggest slap in the face: In 1994, Mayor Vera Katz enacted a new city ordinance that required “large gathering spaces” such as the Oregon Convention Center to retrofit their restrooms with motion-activated sinks and hand dryers for the benefit of the disabled.

This, of course, alienated WBAC organizers to such an extent that they left Portland two years later. Funny how the decision to install the cuttingedge fixtures was made in the interest of “modernizing” the facility and city, but was the very instrument that drove away our beloved WBAC. Dr. Mitchell R. Millar is president of the Olde Portland Preservation Society, which unsuccessfully assisted local activists in the fight against driverless elevators, computerized parking meters and Uber.

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Across 1 Napoleon Dynamite’s pal 6 “___ Degree” (Morningwood song) 9 ___ in “apple” 12 Crop circle creator, supposedly 13 Browning’s “before” 14 Deliver ___ to (send reeling) 16 Armbones 17 Darkish apparel option 19 “I want every nonwar symbol you got” request?

21 Hot roofing material 22 “Slammin’ Sammy” of baseball 23 Pointer 24 Fireplace residue 27 Authorize 29 “The Plough and the Stars” playwright Sean 31 Method of accentuating poker hands?

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6 Soft ball maker 7 Horses’ paces 8 Chant in the Ramones’ “Blitzkrieg Bop” 9 Xavier Cugat’s exwife Lane 10 With everything on the line 11 Voice actress Kath of “Dexter’s Laboratory,” “Rugrats,” and “Animaniacs” 14 Silky wool source 15 Teary-eyed 18 “The Tortoise and the Hare” author 20 Sandwich after a sandwich?

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56 Some “Gods and Generals” extras 57 Home that gets lined 58 TV kid who said, “Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?”

59 Scarf target 62 Word with Palmas or Vegas

last week’s answers

©2016 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #JONZ788.

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Week of July 14

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Upcoming adventures might make you more manly if you are a woman. If you are a man, the coming escapades could make you more womanly. How about if you’re trans? Odds are that you’ll become even more gender fluid. I am exaggerating a bit, of course. The transformations I’m referring to may not be visible to casual observers. They will mostly unfold in the depths of your psyche. But they won’t be merely symbolic, either. There’ll be mutations in your biochemistry that will expand your sense of your own gender. If you respond enthusiastically to these shifts, you will begin a process that could turn you into an even more complete and attractive human being than you already are.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) I’ll name five heroic tasks you will have more than enough power to accomplish in the next eight months.

1. Turning an adversary into an ally. 2. Converting a debilitating obsession into a empowering passion. 3.

Transforming an obstacle into a motivator. 4. Discovering small treasures in the midst of junk and decay.

5. Using the unsolved riddles of childhood to create a living shrine to eternal youth. 6. Gathering a slew of new freedom songs, learning them by heart, and singing them regularly -- especially when habitual fears rise up in you.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Your life has resemblances to a jigsaw puzzle that lies unassembled on a kitchen table. Unbeknownst to you, but revealed to you by me, a few of the pieces are missing. Maybe your cat knocked them under the refrigerator, or they fell out of their storage box somewhere along the way. But this doesn’t have to be a problem. I believe you can mostly put together the puzzle without the missing fragments. At the end, when you’re finished, you may be tempted to feel frustration that the picture’s not complete. But that would be illogical perfectionism.

Ninety-seven-percent success will be just fine.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) If you are smoothly attuned with the cosmic rhythms and finely aligned with your unconscious wisdom, you could wake up one morning and find that a mental block has miraculously crumbled, instantly raising your intelligence. If you can find it in your proud heart to surrender to “God,” your weirdest dilemma will get at least partially solved during a magical three-hour interlude.

And if you are able to forgive 50 percent of the wrongs that have been done to you in the last six years, you will no longer feel like you’re running into a strong wind, but rather you’ll feel like the beneficiary of a strong wind blowing in the same direction you’re headed.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) How often have you visited hell or the suburbs of hell during the last few weeks? According to my guesstimates, the time you spent there was exactly the right amount. You got the teachings you needed most, including a few tricks about how to steer clear of hell in the future. With this valuable information, you will forevermore be smarter about how to avoid unnecessary pain and irrelevant hindrances. So congratulations! I suggest you celebrate. And please use your new-found wisdom as you decline one last invitation to visit the heart of a big, hot mess.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) My friend Athena works as a masseuse. She says that the highest praise she can receive is drool. When her clients feel so sublimely serene that threads of spit droop out of their mouths, she knows she’s in top form. You might trigger responses akin to drool in the coming weeks, Virgo. Even if you don’t work as a massage therapist, I think it’s possible you’ll provoke rather extreme expressions of approval, longing, and curiosity. You will be at the height of your power to inspire potent feelings in those you encounter. In light of this situation, you might want to wear a small sign or button that reads, “You have my permission to drool freely.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) The latest Free Will Astrology poll shows that thirtythree percent of your friends, loved ones, and acquaintances approve of your grab for glory. Thirty-eight percent disapprove, eighteen percent remain undecided,

and eleven percent wish you would grab for even greater glory. As for me, I’m aligned with the eleven-percent minority. Here’s what I say: Don’t allow your quest for shiny breakthroughs and brilliant accomplishments to be overly influenced by what people think of you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) You are at the pinnacle of your powers to both hurt and heal. Your turbulent yearnings could disrupt the integrity of those whose self-knowledge is shaky, even as your smoldering radiance can illuminate the darkness for those who are lost or weak. As strong and confident as I am, even I would be cautious about engaging your tricky intelligence. Your piercing perceptions and wild understandings might either undo me or vitalize me.

Given these volatile conditions, I advise everyone to approach you as if you were a love bomb or a truth fire or a beauty tornado.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Here’s the deal: I will confess a dark secret from my past if you confess an equivalent secret from yours. Shall I go first? When I first got started in the business of writing horoscope columns, I contributed a sexed-up monthly edition to a porn magazine published by smut magnate Larry Flynt. What’s even more scandalous is that I enjoyed doing it. OK. It’s your turn. Locate a compassionate listener who won’t judge you harshly, and unveil one of your subterranean mysteries. You may be surprised at how much psychic energy this will liberate. (For extra credit and emancipation, spill two or even three secrets.)

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) What do you want to be when you grow up, Capricorn?

What? You say you are already all grown up, and my question is irrelevant? If that’s your firm belief, I will ask you to set it aside for now. I’ll invite you to entertain the possibility that maybe some parts of you are not in fact fully mature; that no matter how ripe you imagine yourself to be, you could become even riper -- an even more gorgeous version of your best self. I will also encourage you to immerse yourself in a mood of playful fun as you respond to the following question: “How can I activate and embody an even more complete version of my soul’s code?”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) On a summer day 20 years ago, I took my five-year-old daughter Zoe and her friend Max to the merry-goround in San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park. Zoe jumped on the elegant golden-maned lion and Max mounted the wild blue horse. Me? I climbed aboard the humble pig. Its squat pink body didn’t seem designed for rapid movement. Its timid gaze was fixed on the floor in front of it. As the man who operated the ride came around to see if everyone was in place, he congratulated me on my bold choice. Very few riders preferred the porker, he said. Not glamorous enough. “But I’m sure I will arrive at our destination as quickly and efficiently as everyone else,” I replied. Your immediate future, Aquarius, has symbolic resemblances to this scene.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Early on in our work together, my psychotherapist confessed that she only works with clients whose problems are interesting to her. In part, her motivations are selfish: Her goal is to enjoy her work. But her motivations are also altruistic. She feels she’s not likely to be of service to anyone with whom she can’t be deeply engaged. I understand this perspective, and am inclined to make it more universal. Isn’t it smart to pick all our allies according to this principle? Every one of us is a mess in one way or another, so why not choose to blend our fates with those whose messiness entertains us and teaches us the most? I suggest you experiment with this view in the coming weeks and months, Pisces.

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