The Billboard has run out of staff members Page -3 April 1, 2004
WCGA to pay students’ tuition Page 9
Wislon Community College
What’s that awful stank? Page 47
Cheeseburg, Psychovania
Vol. 0, No 0
THE
WILSON BULLBOARD In case you haven’t gotten enough...
It’s all organic to me
Record growth expected
Squirrely Jimmie Hendericks Some Writer have been acting on behalf
of the mice, which have recently been banned from the greenhouse. The assertions of security in regards to the guilt of the skunk (who is believed to be in hiding in one of the dorms) have created controversy on campus. Students for Equal Rights for Rodents (SERR) claims that blaming a skunk is an example of species profiling, and just because photographs have been found of a skunk wearing a mask and carrying a torch does not mean that a skunk was to blame. It could have been a groundhog. Security requests that the student(s) harbouring the skunk come forward. According to security the case will be taken to Honor Council, “but it will be painless. We promise.” Security was modeling the new uniform at the time.
DO NOT OPEN! What are you looking for?.........Page 2 Can’t you find it?.......................Page 3 How come?..................................Page 4
A few weeks ago a squirrel fell through the ceiling in the old gym. While initially unsettling, focus was quickly shifted to an untapped student potential. Cabinet quickly acted and is thrilled to announce the acceptance of squirrels into the class of 2008. This news, exclaimed Dean Kary Bernhart, “means that Wilson will have the largest incoming class in 31 years! We are ecstatic that these new students have shown such interest in joining Wilson. They appear to have some of the best test scores
President Fredmenson was quick to hire a consultant to look at new housing accommodations. The consultants have recommended remodeling some of the campus trees and looking at the expansion of specialty housing into the Squirrels with Children program! Not everyone however was excited about this news. Student athletes were worried about the level of competition squirrels would bring. Tara Long says, “squirrels have such speed and agility, what if we have
ing the teams now?” Food Service staff is also worried about squirrels trying to hoard food and sneak it out of the dining hall. “We thought we had problems with food removal before!” exclaimed the director. The other challenge is squirrels are active during the day light hours. With the growing number of night classes, perhaps we should focus on recruiting the bats or raccoons for next year!
Photo by The Big Cheese
Last Tuesday evening at the Folsom Farm the large greenhouse exploded into flames; the cause has not yet been determined but campus security has been investigating. According to the farmer, who wished to remain anonymous, flames erupted around 2:00A.M. and quickly demolished two greenhouses and several surrounding trees. Work Study students attempted to quench the flames with crick water, but only managed to spread the fire farther. The conflagration eventually lost interest and gave up. Speculation abounds as to the origin of the destructive blaze. The first thing to be destroyed was the oldest greenhouse, so theories range from an illicit moonshine still to spontaneous combustion of the compost heap to a skunk arsonist. Security officers are leaning toward the skunk, who may
Guest Writer we’ve seen in recent years”. a more difficult time mak-
President reacts to feedback on campus master plan!
PETE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING “That’s not news”
II
April Fools
STUFF YOU SHOULDN’T KNOW Wilson moves to And one for the team four-day week Some reporter
Yeah That
Wilson College was abuzz with activity early Thursday morning as a surprise lecture from Chambersburg Sheriff Donavan G. Justice caused dormitories to empty and classrooms to be vacant as students and faculty alike crowded into Wilson’s lecture hall. Justice was on a mission to discuss the threat that Wilson College poses to area motorists. “Not only does the campus itself pose significant risk to drivers because of the ridiculous sharp turn on Philadelphia Avenue,” he fumed, “but drivers and pedestrians alike have been endangered by flying balls from the children in the Women with Children Program and from the athletic fields.” Justice offered several suggestions to remedy these problems. The first was that Philadelphia Avenue should be circumvented through the campus so that the road continues to go in a straight line, preventing traffic accidents as well as damage to the stone pillars that welcome visitors onto the campus. “That’s not a bad idea,” sophomore Cindy Bakeman said, “Who needs the Green
anyway? I’ve stepped on a couple dead rats there — we might as well make it a street so people can drive over them, instead of having to walk over them.” Sheriff Justice then addressed the ball problem. “The way I see it, there are two options,” he said, “You get rid of the balls, or you get rid of the kids.” The auditorium erupted in chaos as a student stood up and said, “But the kids are what make Wilson Wilson!” Justice immediately corrected himself by saying that he was joking, and continued his speech. He proposed the addition of high wire fences to surround the entire campus, beginning at the President’s house and continuing around past the athletic fields. Another suggestion was to have any ball-playing (by children or by teams) held at night, or for the college to restrict balls to indoors or past the stables. These ideas produced a mass frenzy as the sheriff left the room. Students stampeded behind him, protesting his ideas and yelling insults. The next morning, they had become more organized, as they united on the sidewalk lining Philadelphia Avenue. They
toted signs proclaiming messages such as “Children AND college students need to have fun too!” and “We have our balls, where are yours??”, while they tossed balls back and forth tauntingly. The sheriff pulled up with twenty of Chambersburg’s finest — indeed, the whole force, plus a few volunteer firemen. Justice warned the crowd that if the balls were not thrown to a careful distance away from the street, the handcuffs would come out. The crowd was silent for a moment, until someone tossed a ball into the street, hitting the sheriff’s car. That was the signal, because Wilson students were handcuffed and pushed into squad cars until they ran out of room. They were then escorted down the streets of Chambersburg by policemen. “No matter what, it’s worth it!” student Andrea Footman declared as she was paraded down the street in handcuffs, “They can’t take our right to have balls whenever, wherever and however we please! We are Wilson WOMEN!”
Adviser Headline Goes Here WASHINGTON — While Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters earlier this week that Iraq was not a distraction for the Bush administration in the days before and after the Sept. 11 attacks, he admitted Thursday that several programs on NBC’s “Must See TV” lineup were “highly amusing to the point of disrupting pretty much anything we were concerned with regarding national de-
fense.” Rumsfeld said that while officials routinely shirked their duties to watch old standards such as “Friends” and “Frazier,” the real distraction was the first season of “Average Joe.” “I could hardly get (Vice President Dick) Cheney to listen to a communiqué or concentrate during the hot tub scenes,” Rumsfeld remembered. “Condi was really into ‘Fear Factor” especially the scorpion swallowing episode and
purposefully neglected several calls from our Saudi contacts while the program was on.” “The President was perhaps the worst,” Cheney said. “He wouldn’t even think about security while watching repeated taped episodes of ‘Will & Grace,” reminding me with each viewing that he really identified with the character Jack.”
Kick me Daily news source not to be named responded “ I Wilson to reduce school week to four days per week. With so many students found not to be attending classes on Fridays WCGA and the board of trustees has approved the new shorter schedule. Many students found they had the day free or would have early morning classes and decide not to go. Dean Switchers told the board “ This is just one way we can reward our hardworking students who often end up pulling twelve hour days and skipping meals,”. Professors seemed miffed by this new ruling. One requested
don’t understand what the big deal is, my students always show up to class at eight am on the dot,”. Students were to be seen dancing in the halls and laying in the sun. “ This is great,” said one junior “Now I can go home for a three day weekend instead of two,”. Other especially those on riding teams were thrilled. “Now all of the teams can hold all day practices,” said one captain This news schedule is expected to make class times longer but students didn’t seem to object since they spend all day in classes anyway.
ZNN Getting Sued Ahh choo Bless you
ZNN is being sued by the American Press Organization for controlling a monopoly in news coverage. The charges say that ZNN has begun to erode on ethical journalism practices and use widely circulated stories. ZNN has recently add a new headline channel for those with shorter attention spans. The APO has says the employees are at ZNN are no longer dedicated to journalism but to making a profit and bringing in ratings. Many viewers had called it to complain about ZNN’ s boring anchors, who ask only a few short questions, in segments that only run for up to ten minutes. One viewer said “ ZNN has gotten so bad in the last few years it doesn’t
have any of the other features or in depth reporting like some of the other news channels. ZNN responded by saying “ Journalism is out top priority. We want to make sure every American understands the news, not just those who watch the news regularly. We value our viewers and hope they find one of our channels appealing. As for the lawsuit, we say to the APO we were here first and we will be here the last,”. APO suit is part of a new wave of media attention after several newspapers were discovered to be running inaccurate articles by unqualified writers.
April Fools
III
STUFF YOU PROBABLY SHOULD KNOW Fall Line Up: Survivor COPS COPS COPS Billionaire Preview Bubble Wrap
K-Lo Editorial Editor Sources say Donald Trump is the first member voted out of Survivor Tasmania. Taping has just concluded and our reporters were able to infiltrate the crew to secure this photo. Apparently The Donald was unable to lead his team, the Psychos to victory in the immunity challenge. “I have no need for physical challenges as I have people to pay me for such endeavors,” said Trump. According to producers of the hit show, Trump attempted to buy immunity for his team and was given the choice to
be voted off or “fired.” He chose to be voted out during the first elimination ceremony. We were sure Anna Nicole was going to be the first one out because she refused to eat berries and beetles and sobbed a lot, said Demi Moore. Moore, incidentally was recruited at the last minute after her ex-husband, Bruce Willis got severe sunburn on his now bald head and had to leave the show for treatment. Other Survivor Billionaires (they wish) to look for are The Olsen Twins, Michael Jackson, Reba McEntyre, Nicole Kidman, Billy Joel, Beyonce, Eminem and Madonna.
Is this the end of the Billboard? Billy Bob Square Pants started singing the Wilson Alma Hired Help Mater backwards,” said Miller. The Wislon Billboard has faced many problems throughout this semester. Staff members have been disappearing since January, and articles are not being properly written or edited. This decline in progress has the remaining two staff members very worried about the next issue. “We can’t go on like this!” screamed Mel Miller, business manager for the Billboard, “How will we publish the paper?” March Applejacks shook her head, “I knew this would happen. Students don’t want to put effort into anything anymore. The Billboard must be saved, but how?” Miller and Applejacks are also concerned about their former editor-in-chief, Raquelle Draw, who was recently institutionalized. “She just...went crazy one Wednesday night during layout. She ripped all of her hair out and
Students on campus said that their student newspaper is important to them. When confronted, Jen Jennifer told reporters, “I don’t know what the Billboard is, but is sounds like something.” Lisa Loo admitted, “I thought I saw a Billboard once.” Adminisrators at Wislon Community College deny that the school has a student-run newspaper. Miller and Applejacks are not only concerned about losing their editor, but they have also lost their only adviser as well. Pete El Champain was last seen working at the local Pizza Hut. These two staff members plan to carry on their duties for the rest of the semester, but like every Wislon woman, they seem to be involved in way too many activities to keep up with the Billboard. Is this the end of student press as we know it?
Thank you very much After months of negotiation, new Elvis outfits were approved for all campus security. Sources say securityhas been fighting for this for some time now and wantto be able to entertain the students as well as enforce rules of proper conduct and parking. Each costume isequipped with a guitar that holds a water bottle and emergency hair gel. New radio transmitters are shapedlike wireless microphones that slid into a special goldembellished cummerbund.
You know you’re a Wilson student if: -
You are excited by teeth You spend your days at Wal-Mart and your nights at Dilly’s Your clothes smell like horses and you’ve never been to the barn! Taking the 2nd St. bump is the highlight of your week They lured you in with the “Naval Academy dance story” Sheetz is your fine dining experience (the townies are a plus) “THE” farm boy is attractive to you You have Papa John’s number memorized You delete 3183 messages You AIM your roommate You belch much better than when you first came A double ring sends you running but you sleep through fire alarms You think the Bullboard is real news
THE BULLBOARD STAFF
B
Editor-in-Chief The Big Cheese
Business Manager Cheap Skate Managing Editor MIA News There Isnon
Features Itsa Fillin Sports N/A
S
Creative Lookelsa Where
The Bullboard is available on an occasional basis. Subscriptions are $1,000,000 per year, payable to: CASH c/o RWard
Adviser George Bush III
Missionary Statement The Wilson Bullboard is a yearly squirrel-run tabloid dissing the Wislon Community College. Its purpose is to relay bull to the campus and provide a forum for authoritarian indoctrination. The Bullboard strives to manipulate communication between squirrels, ducks, chipmunks and dictators.
Editorial and advertising 1-900-262-3244
Billboard Staff Wanted: Billboard is looking for a few students Interested in joining hour team. We are Looking for a few non-committal people who: -Can’t spelchecque -Are Confused by basic sentince struckture -Lack time management skills? If Are OK Letting others carry your load, than we want ewe today!
IV
April Fools
STUFF NO ONE CARES ABOUT Sprots Centre Ovie-May Eview-Ray We’re not sure
Oh well
The Rock’s new action thriller The Rundown brings new life to an old language – Pig Latin. “I learned it from treatment interview sessions I viewed on tape
of Whitney Houston who was just released from her drug treatment program.” Apparently, Houston refused to talk in anything other than Pig Latin. Closed captions at the bottom of the screen have brought back
childhood memories for many ovie-may oers-gay. His character plays a ountybay unter-hay who takes on an assignment to apture-cay a iminal-cray who is idden-hey eep-day in the ungle-jay. Once they meet, the two team up to indfay a hidden easure-tray. A ust-may ee-say ovie-may. Ake-tay our-uay amily-fay for an eal-ray ill-thray!
“If you live in a glass house... get dressed in the basement” -We don’t no wear we got that there quote at
This weekend was a perfect weekend for everyone. With good weather and hardly a storm cloud in the sky it seemed as if all would go well. This was the kind of weekend that the Wilson College Yachting Team had hoped for all season. The Yachting team consists of Pricilla Cruz, Kate Welteroth, Cheika Hewagama, Cora Licht, Eunice Joseph, Priyanka Ganguli, Stephanie Lingle, Holly Rusin, Laura Colonna, and Lacey Mackintosh. Coached by Erika Schiffgens, the Public Services Librarian, with the assistance of Co-Captains Kate and Cheika the team has preserved. A member of the Middle Atlantic Intercollegiate Sailing Association (MAISA) district of the InterCollegiate Sailing Association of North America (ICSA), Wilsons’ team beat out members of both the South and the North regions of the district to advance onto the ICSA National Championships. Some of the schools of MAISA that Wilson competed against were Cornell University, Drexel University, Georgetown University, Princeton University, SUNY Maritime College, the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy, the U.S. Naval Academy, and University of Maryland - Baltimore County to name a few. This weekend was one that the
team will always remember. With a 0.05 second win over the U.S. Naval Academy to advance onto the ICSA National Championships. The Championships will be held at the end of next month at Cascade Locks, Oregon. Coach Schiffgens said “that the team pulled their abilities together and that is what made the difference in the end. Co-captain Cheika Hewagama, believed that each member was to be congratulated as it was a team effort that has gotten them as far as they have come so far. At the end of the race the team was all cheers and wide smiles about their victory. However, it was Holly Rusin who best summed up how they all felt. “As we prepared for the challenge ahead we had to overcome the rough waters of the Con. This fierce water took us on long rides some days, and others it was as peaceful as a bright sunny day. The different obstacles that the Con threw at us helped my team prepare for the Championship race. It made us strong and courageous. After practicing in the Con we knew that nothing or no one could beat us. So, we went out there on that bright sunny day and showed everyone that the Con helped make us winners. We walked away from the race winners and we only have the great Con to thank for making us strong and courageous women.”
Bullboard Motto: Bin working on sum copyJust a weak until its do. It takes allot of effort To get the bilbored done four ewe.
If ewe say, “They won’t reed this,” You shore lee might bee write. And if you call it “good enough,” It must be both, alright?
Sum won draws a lei out and takes sum pitchers two; theirs writing and than editing be for the deadlines threw.
Sew don’t rely on spell cheque Two mark for your revue Words that have too meanings Or miss takes you’ve let slip threw.
Bilbored copy tells a tail About ewe and you’re staff. Words you right must bee correct Or kid swill pointe and laugh.
Run this copy threw spell cheque and sea what it will show. Despite the errors, spell cheque says, “Its perfect,” don’t chew no?
(Taken from Heriff Jones)
I No Eye Kin Due It