2010 4 1

OpEd/News 2 News 3 Features 6

Sports 4-5

Entertainment 7 Kids Korner 8

Scratch & Sniff

All of the Pictures in the Wilson College Bullboard are Now Scratch and Sniff

The Wilson Bullboard April 1, 2010 Wilson College Chambersburg, Pennsylvania Vol. XXXXI, No. 10

Board Unanimously Decides to Move Buildings and Demolish Library

by Dame, Sir Lord Regneld Bryce Manfried, Esq.

In an effort to make the Harry R. Brooks Complex for Science, Mathematics and Technology the focal point of the college, Wilson decided to move all surrounding buildings away from the complex by a few inches.

The controversial decision passed during the last board meeting on Wed, March 31 with a surprisingly unanimous vote of 45 to zero. This verdict came after two weeks of 33 hours a day protesting from students, faculty, staff and, oddly, members of the board who voted for the notion.

Scientists worldwide are pleased with the decision. In an interview on 64 Minutes, Dr. Elle Faunt expressed, “it’s about time someone took the initiative and made science centers a focal point on college campuses!”

Other science professors agree with Dr. Faunt’s statement. Prof. Will Takebribes from Grabcash and Run University adds, “why on earth would people move buildin…I mean, it’s great that science centers are now the hot topic of the day…may I now have my check please.”

Protestors took a different position, however, by blasting the decision of the board. “Our tuition, our taxes and our daycare are going up in price

because of this, why is this necessary? What we need is a statue of Twilight stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart that will last forever, unlike this science thing everyone’s talking about,” stated Amanda Hugankiss ’14.

“This is outrageous, my salary has been reduced by 82 percent because of this decision,” ranted Dr. A. Muthatgunatme, a member of the board that voted in favor of Proposition B.S. (Bringing Science-now). When asked why Muthatgunatme voted in favor of the proposition he stated, “I have a rare disease that always forces me to check boxes with three letter words beside them.”

The 63 billion dollar B.S. Project is already underway. Bulldozers, cranes and other essential construction equipment will arrive on campus April 1 to begin the procedure. Warfield will be moved four and a half inches closer to the Alumnae house, Lortz will be pushed about one sixteenth an inch towards the Conococheague Creek and the Library will be demolished to make room for a planned Twilight monument, featuring the stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, proposed by students and approved by the board.

Move Over Disney, Wilson College Named Happiest Place on Earth

by Lois Lame

A study released on Feb. 29 often wafts down the hall. Students declared that Wilson College is the at Wilson love their animals and the happiest place on Earth, beating animal smell only adds to the allure Disneyland for the first time in of campus. The sauna-like swelter is history.

Researchers studying enjoyed year round. Even the coldest overall student satisfaction found days are enhanced by the rhythmic that Wilson students are happy 99 sounds of banging pipes that often percent of the time and are always lulling students to sleep. smiling.

Both professors and students alike Why are students so happy here? find the heating in Warfield and Well, there are many reasons. First of Lortz comforting. One professor, all, the gourmet food from the dining Prof. Friedrich Bhaer says, “The hall is rated top in the nation. The cold really keeps us on our toes, and choices are limitless and students students never fall asleep in classes. never complain about their options.

I believe that Warfield is conducive They never run out of rolls or baked to great thinking because of its potatoes and students love chicken. subzero temperature.” Students can Henrietta Scramble says, “We love enjoy pulling paint chips off the to support the local chicken farmers walls during class too; however, with our daily intake of poultry.” professors have added an extra Also, the ice cream is amazing and A small part of Wilson’s beautiful campus during one of the numerous gray section to their syllabi that reminds you can savor each flavor offered in days students not to lick the walls or eat the just one scoop. Wilson students can Photo by Xiaomeng Li paint chips. often be heard across campus raving The John Stewart Memorial Library about the savory delights that the dining hall prepares everyday. is also a popular hangout for Wilson students. They speak highly of the Students also love their housing arrangements and often clamor for numerous resources available to them, including luxurious bathrooms and a spot in Disert or Rosenkrans. They love the openness and airiness the state of the art technology housed in the building. Students researching in dorms offer with large open windows and coziness of the concrete walls. the library often find great gems from the 1800s but few books have been Other students are confined to less glamorous spaces such as South or added since then. The newer books praise the wonders of the communist Riddle, but those students ramble on about the joys of the balmy dorm government in the Soviet Republic. rooms. The intense heat also strengthens the sweet smell of rodent that Continued on page 3

News/Op-Ed

A Team of German Scientists Identify Findings as a Mythical Unicorn

by Countess Fullmoon

members were playing a joke on us On Thurs, March 26 a team of Gernewbies, but, Dr. Hildaguard had us man scientist found, on the Coo-Coo exhume the creature, catalogue it and islands, what they describe as the rerecord it. It was the real thing.” mains of a hoofed, four-legged creaThey explain the horn is attached ture with a horn. They are calling this to the skull at the frontal bone. This the find of the century, a unicorn. is located right above the unicorns A unicorn is commonly viewed as eyes where their forehead would be a white horse with a single horn on located. its forehead. Usually myths hold that A hoax many maybe familiar with unicorns only approach virgins and is Otto von Guericke’s Protogaea unithat their horns have healing powers. corn skeleton from 1663. This has Many hunters would actually hunt been proven to be a fake. The skelnarwhals which have horns. They eton is made up of pieces from mamwould take these horns and pass them moth and rhinoceros remains. Anothoff as unicorn horns. er possible hoax is the unicorn foal in Other myths suggest that unicorns a box. Many on campus, such a Marperished during the great flood degaret Barry ’11 say, “this is hoax. It’s scribed in the Book of Genesis. This a baby goat that some sicko’ mummimyth states unicorns were arrogant fied and stuck in a box.” creatures who refused to ride in the Many have their doubts about Hildark with creatures inferior to them. aguard’s findings. Barry points out Instead they chose to swim and per- Celtic Cross, a real life Friesian unicorn Photo by Sarah Martin “anything is possible with photoshop, ished.

Expert Dr. Iva Hildaguard, a cryptozoologist, says “we were not looking and while I want to believe I can’t until I see it with my own two eyes.”

The German team plans to display the remains within the year. They are for the unicorn, we were actually doing research on the Dodo bird.” Other members of the team explain how they thought it was a mistake or a trick in the process of piecing the skeletal remains together and preserving it for of the light. Junior member Sammy Tammy says, “I thought the senior travel. They will start in Germany and move their way across the globe.

Student Wins a Short Essay Award

Editorial

Jane Smith ’12 won the Prestigious Intercollegiate National Short Essay Award for College Students Majoring in English. The award was issued Fri, March 26 at 6:66pm during a ceremony in Sarah’s Coffeehouse. Smith read her essay out loud and requested that it be published in the Bullboard.

This is her winning essay: The Meaning and Usage of the Word Dressage Many person beliefs the word Dressage is an horsie word. According, to the websters’ Dictionary, dressage, means “skilled style of horsmanship (102)”. This style of horsmanship comes from germany. It is were the hors and rider worked to reach a certain goal, such as learning the piaf or the canter. But, many in other jenres hold, beliefs it means, the proces of dressing. The ending –AGE is a way to say action or process of dressing.

A few of the lesser known meanings of dressage are described in more details below.

Medical personelle belief dressing a wound is called dressage because you go thrugh a specific proces. First you clean the wound then you treat it with antibiotics then you bandage it, such as dressing the wound as you would dress your body. Dressage is the process of dressing in this case, a wound.

Culinary arts, such as cooks belief dressage is a word used during the process of making salads because they know when you put a salad together and making it look pretty you are dressing the salad up. Dressage is the process of putting many pretty stuff in a salad and making it look good dressing it up.

Thos are only a few of the unknown meanings of Dressage a word known mainly among those equestriene folks. It has many meanings which should not be confused with the horsie term and these meanings from culinary arts to medicine should be remember and not left in the shadows of the horsmanship art.

by Twitchy the Twitchy Squirrel

by Ms. Tired of Reading

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Individuals Start April Fool’s Day Early Living on Wilson’s campus provides students with a safe and quiet learning environment. However, it is easy for students to forget the real world while immersed in their studies. Here are a few funny stories from the outside world to brighten up your April Fool’s Day: Earlier in March, CNN reported that a pitbull-mix attacked a police car in Chattanooga, Tenn. While this sounds like a vicious pitbull attack, in all actuality the dog must have thought the police car was a very big tug toy. The dog latched onto the bumper and, no matter how many times the officer reversed and went forward again, the dog refused to let go. A video from a fellow patrol car can be viewed on YouTube. The sentence for the dog: obedience school.

On March 30, CBS and other regional stations in upstate New York followed a hold up in a Glens Falls area home. A naked man used an axe to break into a neighbor’s house. After holding the woman hostage for a short time the man proceeded to drape an American flag over his body and run back to his house. He was apprehended and now awaits his sentence: hopefully wearing more than an American flag.

Also on March 30, Fox News 8 in Cleveland, Ohio, followed a high speed chase of four men in a Pontiac G6. The suspects abandoned the car and seven bags of marijuana. Three were caught immediately, the fourth eluded police. Ricky Flowers scaled a 30-foot-chain-linked fence topped with barbed wire. He landed on the grounds of a state prison for women.

After being apprehended he gave his reason for fleeing, and no, it was not the seven bags of drugs in his car. His reason: he was driving with a suspended license.

Hopefully, you have enjoyed these stories from the outside world. Sit down, relax and enjoy this April Fool’s edition of The Bullboard and the rest of your day.

TheWilsonBullboard April 1, 2010

Ghost Tells Fortunes at Wilson

News

by Bubbles McQueen

A fortune telling ghost appeared on campus last week and read community members’ fortunes. The ghost of Margaret Thatcher (no relation) first appeared in the John Stewart Memorial Library on March 26 and scared the bejeezus out of Library Technician Jonathan Clark. Clark leapt from the building’s third floor gallery and hung from a lighting fixture for 17 hours until a worker at the physical plant arrived with a ladder and saved the shaken, pale-white library worker.

Thatcher also appeared to brown-haired library work study student Kayla Chagnon ’10. Upon seeing the ghost, the student aid screamed so loudly her brown locks turned jet white. “I don’t know what to do,” says Chagnon, “I’ve tried dying it eight times now and it doesn’t change even the slightest shade darker.”

Experts call Chagnon’s condition ‘white-out’, a common side effect of encounters with beings from beyond the grave.

“Miss Chagnon’s hair proves Thatcher must have been wearing a white outfit when she died.

Had the specter worn blue upon death, Chagnon’s hair would be blue and her condition would be considered a ‘blue-out,’” reports Dr. Sy Ko, head of the Math department at Bonehead College in Utah.

It was not until March 29 that Margaret Thatcher haunting the John Thatcher revealed her self again. Stewart Memorial Library During lunch, the dining hall

by Xiaomeng Li loud speakers began crackling and the ghost began to speak. She revealed herself as Margaret Winifred Thatcher, a graduate of Wilson in 53 B.C. who died under mysterious circumstances 681 years ago and, “decided to pop back in and see what you Yanks were up to these days.”

Thatcher spoke in an English accent, which is odd as records indicate she was born and raised in Kentucky. “Everyone speaks with an English accent in the afterlife,” said Thatcher, “unless they’re from Britain. They speak with a Texan drawl.”

After the panic-induced riot was squelched by members of the Chambersburg Mental Hospital (now currently at full capacity), local police and religious figures arrived to investigate the scene.

Upon entering the dining hall, Thatcher began calling names of Wilson students, faculty, staff, Chambersburg residents and Cher. “I have messages for you all about your futures!” exclaimed the ghost. “But I can only tell each one in private.”

Antarctic exchange student U. Bette Uorlife said, after her meeting with Thatcher, “Snowsnowsnowiceiceicewindwindwindpengiunpenguinpenguin.” Because no member of the Bullboard staff can translate Antarctic, we can only assume it has something to do with tofu-pot roast.

Captain Ike N. Dropkick, 104, a retired Navy man living in Chambersburg, revealed, “I couldn’t understand a word she was saying, something about the end of the world on April second, or something like that; either way it’s time for my dinner and bedtime.” Dropkick was interviewed at 1:43pm yesterday.

When the last individual received their fortune, Thatcher disappeared with the parting words, “never forget me, because I know I’ll forget all of you,” ending one of the oddest ghost encounters this institution has ever experienced.

Continued from page 1 Computers in the library date back to the early 1990s and the printers have self-refilling ink and paper so students never have to scramble to print a paper. The bathrooms are an asset to the wonderful building; students say that they never feel alone in them. Recently when a team of ghost hunters visited the college, they noted a high level of activity in the bathrooms. Librarian Brooke Worm commented, “The recent findings of ghosts in the restrooms make sense, we had been wondering why the toilets were often clogged. Now we know it wasn’t students.”

The campus security has a full force of scooters available to them to combat the recent rash of campus thefts. Students said they feel safe and that security is capable of solving any issue. Karla Jazzie says, “I have never felt safer. I know that campus security will respond in a matter of seconds when I call.” Security also does an amazing job of making sure that there is parking for everyone. There is plenty of parking on campus and students never have to drive halfway across campus to find a parking space.

One of the few drawbacks that students on campus often point out is that they pay for cable. However, most students now go without because who wants television, because the drama unfolding around campus is better than a soap opera. Who is dating whom, who do we despise this week and did she really do that, are questions often heard around campus.

Those who want to know more about what is going on can lean up against the paper-thin walls to hear the drama happening just next door. Television is outright boring when you are plugged into campus gossip.

How could Wilson not be the happiest place on earth? The great dorms and academic facilities, the amazing food, outstanding security and hot gossip all make the college the best place to live. Wilson could beat Disney in any contest. However, the one blight on campus is the new science center. Students and faculty alike claim it is a great eyesore and are campaigning to replace it with an older, more rundown building.

Mr. Bo Jangles Finds New Home

by Minnie Mouse

Students were shocked and dismayed to find out that Mr. Bo Jangles, dining hall mouse, had relocated. Bo, as students called him, often scrambled from table to table to eat scraps dropped on the floor. Recently, students started to train Bo to do tricks for food. He would climb into their hands and twirl or jump about for a morsel of food.

However, some students disliked Bo and began to work out ways to catch him so he would stop interrupting their meals. These mean spirited students started a “Kill Mr. Bo Jangles” campaign on campus and lobbied the dining hall staff to set traps for the mouse. Bettie Kane ‘99 said, “We should not have mice in our dining hall, they are unsanitary and are not cute. We do not want students to think it is okay to bring wild animals into their rooms.” This appalled Pro-Bo Students who started a “Save Bo” campaign to raise awareness for the plight of field mice everywhere. Diana Prince said, “Bo is a wonderful addition to our campus. Students here love animals and they should realize that it is our fault Bo is in this situation.

We have taken away his home and forced him inside. We should provide for him now.”

Students from both camps decided to meet and try to figure out a way to resolve the situation; the debate was fierce and spanned for almost an hour. Finally, they decided that the humane decision was to stop feeding Mr. Bo Jangles.

The next day though, students realized that Bo was already gone. The search commenced around campus to find out what happened to Bo. Some thought those in the “Kill Mr. Bo Jangles” faction did just that but those in the club said they were not involved in the disappearance.

After days of searching, someone finally found Mr. Bo Jangles in Thompson Chapel. Prince believes that Bo realized that “he was no longer wanted in the dining hall and decided to be a poor church mouse.”

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Sports

Wilson Adds Football as a New Varsity Sport

by Thorn Ann Bush

After many hours of careful deliberation, the Wilson College Athletic Department has decided to institute a varsity football team.

This will help Wilson in their goal of increasing interest in the athletics program.

When asked about the benefits of the new team, Lori Friskers, the Athletic Director, said: “Because football is typically a men’s sport

we hope that having a program at a women’s college will increase the opportunity for women who wish to play football at the collegiate level.”

For the first few seasons, every Wilson athlete will be required to play football in order to fill the roster and increase the success of the team. Kelly Brutis, known as “Coach K,” will be called upon to lead the football team through its

first season. Coach K says, “Each athlete at Wilson will serve a special role on the team.”

She went on to explain that the soccer players will be part of the special teams as kickers, punt returners and running backs. The basketball and lacrosse teams will start as the linebackers, while the tennis and some softball players will serve as wide receivers. The quarterbacks will be the stellar soft-

ball pitchers, while the gymnastics and field hockey teams will serve as cheerleaders under the direction of new cheerleading coach Seashell Kavon.

Everyone in the athletic department is extremely excited for the upcoming season and hopes that everyone who bought a jersey earlier this month will come out to support the team as they begin their first season!

Topic of Reseach Project Revealed Coach Goes Pet Crazy after Being Infected with Monkey Virus Exclusively to Wilson Bullboard

by Alana Hoffiner

by Super Secret Sleuth N#0G

It is widely known on the Wilson campus that the Athletic Director and Exercise Sport Scienceand Sport Management Prof. Lori Friskers (nicknamed “Nuthin Growes”) has been busily working during the last few months on her research project.

However, Friskers has been very conscious about keeping her research topic a secret and surprising all the students and faculty at Wilson during her presentation on the All Academic Day when many senior students present their theses.

Even with all the security precautions, Friskers could not keep her topic a secret. She used hard-to-detect super secret passwords on her computer, newly installed security cameras in the hallway leading to and in her office in the Field House, ten Doberman guard dogs, a yellow lab smothering any intruders in wet sloppy kisses (especially when given a dog treat), one Jack Russell terrier and several tough Wilson

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athletes to guard her office. However, Wilson Bullboard was able to exclusively find out the topic!

Friskers has decided to analyze the gender roles portrayed in the Mickey Mouse comic books, specifically focusing on differences in athletic activities the main characters participate in.

“The subtle differences in the sport roles that Mickey and Minnie Mouse portray amazes me,” Friskers was heard saying by her work-study who wishes to remain anonymous.

It is believed that Friskers’ research will revolutionize the Disney World industry as well as point out the stereotyping of women in sport.

An anonymous source said that Friskers hopes to illustrate her own Mickey Mouse comic book in the future where Minnie Mouse will participate in football and wrestling and Mickey Mouse will love doing ballet and figure skating with his whiskers perfectly pointed.

Basketball coach, Angela Girraffy, has been infected with a rare disease that has caused her to obtain two very unusual pets that now inhabit her backyard. Girraffy became delirious and bought an elephant, which is now living in her backyard, after she was bitten by a monkey who thought she smelled like a banana.

On top of buying an elephant, she also trained a squirrel to not only eat, sleep, drink and other survival necessities of an animal, but also to compete. One of Girraffy’s players reported that she has seen the squirrel and elephant competing with each other and practicing tricks! One particular trick includes the elephant carrying the squirrel close to a basketball net and, unbelievably, the squirrel has dunked while playing against their owner. Who knows, maybe Girraffy will become a famous circus master, featuring her elephant and squirrel that can do somersaults, jump through flaming hoops and play basketball.

Field Hockey Coach Kavon Is Retiring

by Margaret Sippy-But-Gulps

Field hockey coach Seashell Kavon has announced that she will be retiring from her position as head coach this year to pursue her life long dream of starting a cheerleading squad.

This comes as no surprise; coach Kavon has always instilled in her athletes the importance of learning cheers and keeping a smile on their face the entire game.

This change promises to be great for Kavon and although she has little experience in cheerleading, her extensive background in circus acts will be an important asset.

Also, Seashell is such a kind and generous person that she has decided to petition for the field hockey field to be converted into a dog walking park.

TheWilsonBullboard April 1, 2010

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Sports

Wilson’s Own Wixenhimer Headed to National Guard Following Student’s Comment on Lucky Shirt

by Thorn Ann Bush

A surprising chain of events has led one of our very own athletic staff members to decide to join the National Guard later this year. Belinda Wixenhimer decided that she is not needed as a part of the Wilson soccer team any longer.

Earlier this year, Wixenhimer had no intention of making a career change. One day as she sauntered into practice, Alana Hoffiner asked her, “Hey what’s the National Guard?” Confused by this question, Wixenhimer replied that she had no idea.

Hoffiner was baffled because Wixenhimer wore the same National Guard shirt to practice every day before a game. Wixenhimer said that it was her sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s shirt and wore it because it was in Wilson’s colors and was her lucky shirt. Hoffiner found this amusing and told her that she should look up the National Guard so she would not feel silly when everyone inquired about her shirt.

Wixenhimer was befuddled and told Hoffiner that she did not care about the National Guard but had to wear the shirt so that the team could do

Coach Gives Birth to 12 Girls

by Niky Wafy Pafy Grafy

The field hockey team is full of joy.

Their assistant coach Tiffannay Wonton recently gave birth to 12 girls. This was a huge surprise to everyone because they thought Wonton was expecting one baby boy, not a full women’s field hockey team.

“I was very surprised, but happy at the same time. In a few years, I can start training my girls to play field hockey so that when they go to college they can play here at Wilson,” says Wonton, who was a NCAA Division I field hockey player in college.

“It’s great to have 12 girls. To play field hockey, one needs 11 players on the field and thus we have one reserve! Now I just have

to figure out who’s going to be the goalie – so far it looks like Dita because she is super flexible and her kicking technique is phenomenal!” says Wonton.

The TLC television station immediately contacted Wonton after the entire country heard the news, and offered her a prime-time television show because their Jon & Kate plus Eight reality show was taken off the air at the end of last year. The producers hope to monitor the daily lives of Wonton and her husband as they raise the “ultimate eleven” field hockey team, in the future hoping to create a club team for young girls to learn how to play field hockey prior to starting with the varsity team in middle school.

amazing during their games.

Several days later, Hoffiner and her friends found a book about the National Guard outside the Jensen Dining Hall. Hoffiner was ecstatic and brought the book to practice as a present. When Wixenhimer got the book, she was confused until she remembered her shirt.

Later that day as she looked at the book she started to realize that the National Guard would be just the place for her. Wixenhimer will be leaving at the end of this semester to join the National Guard, where she will be send every member of Wilson’s athletic department free shirts in blue and white!

Hoffiner is saddened by the role that she played in Wixenhimer’s departure from Wilson. She said, “Belinda was an awesome member of Wilson’s Athletics Staff and I am dismayed at the part that I played in her departure from Wilson.”

Although Wixenhimer is leaving us, perhaps she will remember Wilson and continue to support our teams as she heads out to her new role in the National Guard.

Wixenhimer proudly sports her National Guard t-shirt Photo by Jennifer Peebles

Miley Cyrus Makes an Appearance to Support Sam Vance ‘11 at the Nationals Competition

by Whitney Clawkins

On top of all the excitement from attending Nationals for the first time, the experience only got better for Samantha Vance ‘11 while there. While she was rocking her floor routine to the famous Miley Cyrus pop song “Hoedown Throwdown” Cyrus ap-

Monique Pare ‘11 and Hannah Montana cheering for Vance during her floor routine Photo courtesy of Kathy Vance

peared. Vance said, “I was in the middle of doing my ‘clap clap clap’ in my floor routine when in the corner, right before my second tumbling pass, there she was – Miley Cyrus herself.”

With sheer delight, Vance continued her routine, ecstatic to stick her last two passes in order to impress her role model.

“I was in complete shock. It was amazing! I even scored a 9.45 on the routine and Miley argued that it should have been a 9.7! The judges had to ask her to calm down. She was totally my hero that day!” says Vance. Miley stayed and watched Vance compete in her other events which included the bars, beam and vault apparatuses. After the competition, Vance showed Miley the wonderful poster her teacher had given her for good luck, a signed photo of Miley Cyrus. In response to this Cyrus states, “I’ve never met a bigger fan than Sam Vance - I really appreciate her support, dedication and love for my music and shows. She’s using my music to perform the best floor routine ever! I hope she makes it to the Olympics and I will go support my biggest fan ever!”

Congratulations to Vance on a job well done at Nationals!

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Features

Retired Professor Damages Memorial Bricks on Campus Due to Stress

by Anihc Emosewa Recently, several bricks on the memorial walk across the green were damaged.

Some residents living in South and Riddle reported last week that they heard an old man shouting on the green one night. A library work-study student also told campus security that when she closed the library and came out at around 11:00pm Thurs, March 25, she saw a black shadow “running on the green and screaming.”

The black shadow did not come back after Thursday night, but a number of students who live on campus said they felt insecure about an “unknown creepy guy running around campus at night.” Campus security said it was hard to identify this person unless he ever comes back. Since nothing had been reported missing or damaged except the memorial bricks, student scan remain calm.

However, on March 28, a retired professor contacted Wilson Bullboard and admitted that he was the “black shadow” that appeared on campus Thursday night.

“I feel very sorry to have caused

such a panic,” apologized the old professor, who requested to remain anonymous, “I was just so stressed out by a student of mine but couldn’t vent on him, because that would be against my work ethic.”

It turned out that the retired Wilson professor is now working as a part-time writing tutor for middle school students in the area. There is one student who cannot figure out how to use definite articles correctly no matter how many times he teaches him. This frustrates the professor a lot.

“I was like… why you just don’t get it?” said the professor with a sigh, “I told him a million times there’s no ‘the’ before ‘nature,’ there is ‘the’ before ‘United States.’ But he makes the same mistakes over and over again! I know I should have more patience… but I mean, he makes the same mistakes three minutes after I correct him!

“So the same thing happened last Thursday evening. I was correcting his draft and I saw sentences like, ‘Once there lived a lion in forest.

Every day lion asked small animals to do blah blah blah…’ Where is

‘the’ before ‘forest’ and the second ‘lion?’ And then another sentence was like, ‘all animals lived in the nature happily.’ I told him million times don’t use ‘the’ before ‘nature’ because it is an abstract noun!”

After the middle school boy left last Thursday night, the professor could not stand it anymore and rode his bicycle all the way to the Wilson College campus. “I don’t know why. I just got on my bicycle and when I realized what I was doing I was already on Wilson campus.”

He said that he parked his bicycle by the tree in front of the library and started running around and shouting at the sky, venting all his frustration caused by that boy.

“Then I kneeled down and beat the memorial walk. I didn’t mean to

damage the bricks. I was just so angry and I wanted to beat something.

Actually I got hurt too because I was beating too hard.” He showed his fist with bandage on it.

After venting his anger, he started to regret his actions, “I feel terrible that I broke the memorial bricks.

There are names of people who were either alumnae or had close relationship with the college on them. I myself was once a Wilson employee as well and I feel horrible that I did such a bad thing to the college.”

In the end, the retired professor wanted Bullboard to extend his sincere apology to the entire campus. However, he did not mention whether he will compensate for or repair the damaged bricks.

One of the bricks on the memorial walk of Wilson College damaged by the retired Wilson professor Photo by Xiaomeng Li

Billboard Editor Finds Chinese Terracotta Warrior in Hankey Center

by Estée Laundry

On March 29, Billboard co-editor Kayla Chagnon ‘10 discovered a terracotta warrior in the Hankey Center. It is probably from the Terracotta Army in Xi’an, China.

Chagnon found the warrior in the basement of the Hankey Center after she finished an interview with the new archivist and wandered around by herself in the building on Monday. The warrior is approximately five feet, eight inches tall.

So far nobody in the Wilson community knows about its origin.

After a careful identification, Xiaomeng Li ‘11, a Chinese student, said that she was pretty sure the terracotta warrior is from the Terracotta Warriors and Horses of Qin Shi Huang, a mortuary army made of clay near the Mausoleum of the First Qin Emperor in Xi’an, China.

Chagnon said she found the warrior lying on the floor behind a big shelf that contains some pottery, “He

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was all covered by newspapers so it’s easy to miss it. But I was surprised that nobody at Wilson knows about it. I thought they just didn’t have space to put it on display. I mean, it is huge. Why had nobody ever seen it?”

“That’s so cool!” said Li, “I’m so curious about why we have a terracotta warrior at Wilson! Could it be a present from China? Wilson must have some relation with China many years ago.”

The Hankey Center staff said they did not know about the warrior either. The Alumnae House also tried to contact alumnae in order to find out if anyone knows about the origin of this warrior.

“We have contacted the Franklin County Historical Society to see if they have documents or records on who gave us the warrior, or if the county has any connection with the Terra-cotta Army throughout his-

tory. We also reported the discovery to the Terracotta Army Museum in China. They said this is probably a fake one. But we are still hoping they can send some experts here and identify the warrior,” says a staff member at the Hankey Center.

“If the warrior is really from the Terracotta Army, then he must be more than two thousand years old now,” says Li excitedly.

The terracotta warrior is in good

condition with only minor damage to his nose. The Hankey Center decided to show him to the public before receiving further information from any of the authorities mentioned above.

The warrior will be on display from April 1 to April 4 in the Lobby of the Hankey Center. All Wilson students and employees can attend free of charge. General admission is $10.

Billboard co-editor Kayla Chagnon ‘10 points at the Hankey Center and says that she found a terracotta warrior in the basement last week Photo by Xiaomeng Li

TheWilsonBullboard April 1, 2010

Entertainment

the Book Review Une Société Secrète de Lapins The Merriam-Webster Diction- A Poils Courts Découverte Par le CDSC A Wilson College ary is a Poor Choice of a Read

by Penn Kname

by French Toast

I expected The Merriam-Webster Dictionary to be a stellar novel, worthy of its best-seller status and hundreds of favorable reviews, but I was sadly mistaken. There are no main characters to speak of, not even the “MerriamWebster” mentioned in the title, who I thought would at least make one or two appearances during the course of the text. I read on in anticipation, waiting for the celebrated Webster to emerge, but instead I encountered famous individuals from literature and history: George Washington, Michelangelo, Hamlet, Mother Goose, to name a few, none of which remain for more than two or three lines. I scoffed at the author’s inability to create his own, unique characters, but it was the overall lack of plot that infuriated me most. I read under the assumption that this was a novel, but what sort of novel has no action, no adventure, no heart-wrenching death scene, no romance, no time-traveling, no knights in shining armor, no epic battle and certainly no happy ending (if you ever manage to finish it). There is nothing that remotely resembles anything you might find in a novel.

So if the book is not a novel, then perhaps it is a poem. “I thought I was reading a long poem about everything,” explains comedian Steven Wright. But just as the Merriam-Webster Dictionary fails as a novel, I’m afraid it is not an impressive verse form either. The only poetic convention the author uses is alliteration, which is not a very difficult form of poetry – especially if all the lines are arranged in alphabetical order by their first letter anyway.

If it’s not a novel or a poem, I thought, then maybe it’s a play. But if this is so, what kind of play has tens of thousands of characters with only a few lines apiece? Not only that, but I cannot imagine any actor auditioning for a play that ran twenty-six acts long! Is never-ending theater a new Broadway fad?

Aside from being unable to determine the book’s genre, my particular edition’s text was so minuscule that I had to stop reading after just a few pages. If you find yourself prone to headaches, this book is not for you. With an astounding nine-hundred and thirty-nine pages, I thought I’d never finish. If you have a short attention span, this book is not for you. During the entire time I was reading, I could not help but think: I’d rather be doing homework than subject myself to this torture! If you have better, more exciting things to read, such as Fundamentals of Engineering Thermodynamics or Weaving Country Baskets, this book is not for you.

In all, The Merriam-Webster Dictionary is certainly not worth the confusion, the drudgery, the frustration or the eyestrain. If you’re looking for a truly worthwhile read, try the phonebook instead.

La semaine dernière, le CDSS (Comité de Détection des Sociétés Secrètes) chargé de détecter les sociétés secrètes à travers le monde s’est rendu à Chambersburg pour dévoiler la vérité sur l’université de Wilson.

Dans la nuit de jeudi à vendredi, une étudiante a été incarcérée pour avoir fait parti de la société secrète de surveillance des lapins à poils longs qui envahissaient le campus. Dans le Centre de Science, le CDSS a en effet découvert de nombreux microscopes contenant l’ADN d’un lapin à poils courts. Cet échantillon aurait servi à la reproduction de lapins rasés.

Autrement dit, on se dirigeait vers l’ère des lapins sans-cheveux.

En fait, il fut un temps où avoir les cheveux longs chez les lapins était courant, dans les années 70 quand ils mangeaient des champignons et organisaient des concerts sauvages avec les renards ou les furets (ne sachant plus reconnaître leurs confrères après une consommation trop intense de champignons, cette tradition a maintenant disparu).

De nos jours, ces attitudes ne sont plus tolérées comme le montre la société secrète découverte à Wilson qui allait jusqu’à prôner le no-rabbit’s land. Une idée révoltante pour le principal défenseur des écureuils à Chambersburg, Georgia Lapina: “Nous ne tolérons pas les attaques personnelles faites aux lapins, il s’agit de la survie d’une espèce en voie de carottisation.”

La suite de cette histoire accablante après le procès qui sera dirigé par Ilnia Plude-Saladici. Cependant, la vraie question demeure, à savoir: “où se trouve le vélo de Jess Domanico?”

Fredda at Vilzon Umy Teorta

the Movie Review

Fredda O’Franky wakes up everyjour to the vrang of her zaffiquuie.

Guimdelioo out of her bed, Fredda xklims on her favorere pwofy. She thraks through the Vilzon wullwuy while shanpiken her mornain tastie.

Her favorere subjetoe is onbetrouwbaar. Thu campus, vyzzin with studantez dolattun around, had’aredy bijeequin flowers. “How Barwisty!” slineroed Fredda. Lundsh den la dining korredoor fuas somptwuqu’a.

Every lundsh es somptwuquare here a Vilzon. Jusqu’til then, Fredda prudakozskis on the comppoeter elnofva. L’ eveninoir, when she rhetrooneres backski, Fredda fixes her muggelin of shacollaza. Fredda begimples slowly her toimeksianto por tomainaro klas. Kae zierie late when she pommillartiks into her yursanky and falls shlofindam.

Laugh, Cry, Scream at Movie

by Andi Co-Co

Un fugitif de la société secrète Photo by Xiaomeng Li

by Cut ‘N’ Dye

Movie: The Motion Picture, Part IV

Movie good.

7

Kids’ Korner

Kids’Korner The Magical Banana

Make a magical banana that will really surprise your friends! Tell them that you've discovered a brand new, genetically-altered banana that grows pre-sliced.

!

Materials One banana A toothpick Instructions Stick a toothpick into a banana somewhere along a seam. Rotate the toothpick left and right inside the banana, cutting all the way through the fruit, but not through the peel. Try to keep the toothpick hole as small as possible. Take the toothpick out and repeat on another side of the banana. Keep making internal slices until you have at least five or six. Now offer the banana to an unsuspecting friend (maybe even telling them some odd story about mutant bananas from Ecuador). When your friend peels the banana, they will be VERY surprised to find that it is already sliced!

Gelled Juice!

A thirsty family member is the perfect target for this glassful of trickery that's impossible to drink. And since the undrinkable beverage is made by the batch, you'll be able to fool more than one person.

Ingredients Lemon-flavored gelatin Red food coloring Instructions Following the package directions, mix up a box of lemon-flavored gelatin (we added a drop of red food coloring to darken it). Pour the mixture into clear glasses and insert a drinking straw into each. Place the glasses in the refrigerator to set. When they're ready, serve the jiggling juice to the next thirsty target (or two!) looking for a cool drink.

8

TheWilsonBullboard April 1, 2010