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Scratch & Sniff
All of the Pictures in the Wilson College Bullboard are Now Scratch and Sniff
The Wilson Bullboard April 1, 2010 Wilson College Chambersburg, Pennsylvania Vol. XXXXI, No. 10
Board Unanimously Decides to Move Buildings and Demolish Library by Dame, Sir Lord Regneld Bryce Manfried, Esq.
In an effort to make the Harry R. Brooks Complex for Science, Mathematics and Technology the focal point of the college, Wilson decided to move all surrounding buildings away from the complex by a few inches. The controversial decision passed during the last board meeting on Wed, March 31 with a surprisingly unanimous vote of 45 to zero. This verdict came after two weeks of 33 hours a day protesting from students, faculty, staff and, oddly, members of the board who voted for the notion. Scientists worldwide are pleased with the decision. In an interview on 64 Minutes, Dr. Elle Faunt expressed, “it’s about time someone took the initiative and made science centers a focal point on college campuses!” Other science professors agree with Dr. Faunt’s statement. Prof. Will Takebribes from Grabcash and Run University adds, “why on earth would people move buildin…I mean, it’s great that science centers are now the hot topic of the day…may I now have my check please.” Protestors took a different position, however, by blasting the decision of the board. “Our tuition, our taxes and our daycare are going up in price
because of this, why is this necessary? What we need is a statue of Twilight stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart that will last forever, unlike this science thing everyone’s talking about,” stated Amanda Hugankiss ’14. “This is outrageous, my salary has been reduced by 82 percent because of this decision,” ranted Dr. A. Muthatgunatme, a member of the board that voted in favor of Proposition B.S. (Bringing Science-now). When asked why Muthatgunatme voted in favor of the proposition he stated, “I have a rare disease that always forces me to check boxes with three letter words beside them.” The 63 billion dollar B.S. Project is already underway. Bulldozers, cranes and other essential construction equipment will arrive on campus April 1 to begin the procedure. Warfield will be moved four and a half inches closer to the Alumnae house, Lortz will be pushed about one sixteenth an inch towards the Conococheague Creek and the Library will be demolished to make room for a planned Twilight monument, featuring the stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, proposed by students and approved by the board.
Move Over Disney, Wilson College Named Happiest Place on Earth by Lois Lame
A study released on Feb. 29 often wafts down the hall. Students declared that Wilson College is the at Wilson love their animals and the happiest place on Earth, beating animal smell only adds to the allure Disneyland for the first time in of campus. The sauna-like swelter is history. Researchers studying enjoyed year round. Even the coldest overall student satisfaction found days are enhanced by the rhythmic that Wilson students are happy 99 sounds of banging pipes that often percent of the time and are always lulling students to sleep. smiling. Both professors and students alike Why are students so happy here? find the heating in Warfield and Well, there are many reasons. First of Lortz comforting. One professor, all, the gourmet food from the dining Prof. Friedrich Bhaer says, “The hall is rated top in the nation. The cold really keeps us on our toes, and choices are limitless and students students never fall asleep in classes. never complain about their options. I believe that Warfield is conducive They never run out of rolls or baked to great thinking because of its potatoes and students love chicken. subzero temperature.” Students can Henrietta Scramble says, “We love enjoy pulling paint chips off the to support the local chicken farmers walls during class too; however, with our daily intake of poultry.” professors have added an extra Also, the ice cream is amazing and A small part of Wilson’s beautiful campus during one of the numerous gray section to their syllabi that reminds you can savor each flavor offered in days students not to lick the walls or eat the just one scoop. Wilson students can Photo by Xiaomeng Li paint chips. often be heard across campus raving The John Stewart Memorial Library about the savory delights that the dining hall prepares everyday. is also a popular hangout for Wilson students. They speak highly of the Students also love their housing arrangements and often clamor for numerous resources available to them, including luxurious bathrooms and a spot in Disert or Rosenkrans. They love the openness and airiness the state of the art technology housed in the building. Students researching in dorms offer with large open windows and coziness of the concrete walls. the library often find great gems from the 1800s but few books have been Other students are confined to less glamorous spaces such as South or added since then. The newer books praise the wonders of the communist Riddle, but those students ramble on about the joys of the balmy dorm government in the Soviet Republic. rooms. The intense heat also strengthens the sweet smell of rodent that Continued on page 3