THE B LLBOARD CHAMBERSBURG OF SECRETS, PY
WILSON
SPRING 2017 ISSUE 525600
THE ALTERNATIVE FACTS ISSUE
Sir Yemington III Claws His Way to the Top
By Andie Hornbaker
On April 1, Sir Yemington III will become the new Coordinator of Student Activities at Wilson College. Sir Yemington has a Master’s Degree in Avian Dentistry with a minor in Special Cat Studies. He brings four years of experience in the Special Cat field with him. “I’m very excited for this opportunity,” Sir Yemington purred. “I have lots of special activities planned for the students of Wilson. Meeeyooowwww!” Sir Yemington, from Lewistown, Pa., was abandoned at birth by his parents and was raised by a foster family who raised him to be the best human he could be. He credits his mother especially for always supporting his career goals. “I love Mom,” Sir Yemington commented. He obtained his Bachelor’s Degree in Scratching the Couch at Shippensburg University. His Master’s in Avian Dentistry and minor in Special Cat Studies came from the Feline School for Gifted Cats (FSGC). Once he graduated from FSGC, he helped integrate the Feline School for Gifted Rats into the school. The Dean of Cats says, “The integration is
a terrific success.” Sir Yemington loves other cats and humans. Like many other cats, he is not fond of dogs. However, he underwent exposure therapy and now has many canine companions. He is happy to have the opportunity to create and coordinate activities involving Wilson students and their pets, including canines at the veterinarian center. “I’ve already begun creating the schedule for the fall,” Sir Yemington says. “We will also have some activities available for the rest of the spring semester.” For the month of April, the activities will be as follows: - April 7: Chasing Laser Pointers - April 14: Rolling in Catnip - April 21: Chewing on Plastic - April 28: Watching Television For the month of May, he has only planned two activities in light of the end of the semester and graduation. May 6 will be “Catur-
FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2017
Bafoonery 2, 3 & 4
Reasons not to go to the movies! Puppy Sound Off! Another Trump musical! Watch out for zombies! Vote for ghosts! Wilson goes Hollywood! Potter get Political! So many exclaimation points!!!
Congratulations, kim and ryan!
Selfie by Sir Yemington III
day” on campus while May 7 will be “Sundog.” “Caturday” will focus on allowing all cats to rule the campus. “Sundog” will allow dogs to rule the campus. Sir Yemington vows to allow all other animal types their own day to run the campus during the fall semester. “Coming in so late, I didn’t have time to do all the activities I wished,” Sir Yemington commented. “During fall semester, I will have more time to create activities for the rodents, reptiles, and other animals on campus.” Let’s all give Sir Yemington III a warm Wilson welcome!
Photo Provided by Pam Segel
Priceless Painting Gets “Caged” from Warfield Hall By Pam Segel
Academy Award Winner Nic Cage has turned to Wilson College to help revive his meme of a career. While waiting to be interviewed for a position in the Humanities Dept. at Wilson, a job he sadly did not get, Cage was inspired by the Pablo Picasso painting “Lady with a Fan 1905,” which hangs in Warfield Hall. “National Treasure: The War at Wilson,” the third in the “National Treasure” movie saga, was unfortunately written, directed by, and stars Cage. In this adventure, Benjamin Gates must save the reputation of yet another famous relative, his great-great-grandmother Alice Malone, played by Emily Blunt in the flashbacks.
Not only the subject of Picasso’s painting, Malone was a suffragette, Daughter of the American Revolution, and Wilson alumna. She is most famously k n o w n for bringing down gangster Al Capone in 1931. Due to a new piece of evidence linking
Malone to having comm i t ted the crimes and pinn i n g them on Capone, the investigation has been reopened. Legend has it that the port r a i t Photo Provided by Pam Segel of her that hangs in her Alma Mater
holds the key to her innocence. Will Benjamin Gates be able to steal this work of art across from Warfield Hall in time to save her legacy? Cage mistakenly thinks Wilson’s replica is the real painting, not knowing the original currently hangs in the National Gallery of Art in D.C. Because of this gaffe, Disney is reluctant to release the film. However, Disney has agreed to allow the film’s screening once here at Wilson. Based on the feedback from Wilson students, they may consider giving it a limited or national release, or even straight to DVD. The film will be premiering April 1, 2017 in classroom 112 in Warfield. Come for the free food and get Caged!
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WH0 CArE$?
FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2017
Let’s Go to the Movies... or Not (at Least for Prudes) By Pam Segel
Elaine Carroll is the owner of Sweet Home Alabama Drive-In Theater who banned Disney’s live-action Beauty and the Beast due to the brief moment where LeFou dances with another man, implying he is gay. During an ironic chance encounter with a TMZ cameraman in the parking lot of Friendlys, Carroll ranted off a list of 2017 coming attractions that will not, in fact, be coming to her drive-in theater. Here is the list of the films Carroll rattled off and her reasons for banning them. Wonder Woman- “Too many women on screen at one time.” Boss Baby- “We do not want to en-
courage businesses to hire infants in corporate positions, only slave labor.” Hotel Mumbai- “Wasn’t India in Trump’s travel ban? Wait, it wasn’t?” The Zookeeper’s Wife- “Do you want your wife to bring more pets home, or even hide them from you?” Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales- “We will show a film from the Pirates franchise as long as it focuses on Jack Sparrow finally going to rehab for his addiction to rum. Your move, Disney.” Despicable Me 3- “Those little minions are a cult. A CULT!” Resident Evil: The Final Chapter- “It says evil IN the title…” Stars Wars: The Last Jedi- “Um,
incest in space part 8? No thank you.” The Breadwinner- “Women are not the breadwinners of the home, it’s men. And the fact that this little girl gets in drag, pretending to be a boy to make money for her family, is even worse.” Captain Underpants“It will put the lives of principals in too much danger. Can’t risk it.” War for the Planet of the Apes- “Do I look like someone who believes in Evolution? I’m offended.” xXx: Return of Xander Cage- “Triple X cinema and other pornographic films will not be shown in our theater.” Pitch Perfect 3- “(coughs) Gay.” Going in Style- “We do not approve of crimes against the elderly or
ones committed by the elderly, either.” The Mummy- “Tom Cruise will not spread his alien Scientologist agenda in my theater.” Paddington 2- “If they digitally put pants on the bear in post, we will lift the ban.” Cars 3- “Once again, I don’t believe we evolved from monkeys nor did we come from cars. Okay?” The Circle- “I prefer squares.” What will Carroll allow to play in 2017? Oddly enough only two film made the cut. They are the Baywatch movie starring Zac Efron and the Rock and a remake of Murder on the Orient Express starring Johnny Depp and Dame Judi Dench.
BILLBOARD STAFF Advisers: Ryan Reynolds and Michael Jordan Editor-in-Chief: Shane West Graphic Design Editor: Dev Patel Staff Contributers: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Robert Downey Jr., and Eddie Redmayne Online Editor: John Cusack Work Study: Miguel Ángel Silvestre EDITORIAL MISSION STATEMENT
Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv? You miss your old familiar friends waiting just around the bend - Everywhere you look (everywhere you go), there’s a heart (there’s a heart), a hand to hold onto. Everywhere you look (everywhere you go), there’s a face, of somebody who needs you. When you’re lost out there and you’re all alone, a light is waiting to carry you home... everywhere you look. Everywhere you look. Chip-a-dee-ba-ba-dow.
THE BULLBOARD
Is this the
FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2017
IT’S GONNA BE YOUGE!
End of Wilson College
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as We Know it?
By A Zombie Survivor
This just in! The zombie apocalypse has hit Wilson College weeks after the epidemic spread of sickness and disease. Students began to get sick in February, causing many to miss their classes. At the beginning of March, a glimmer of hope appeared as students started feeling better, but news has spread that the initial sickness left an even more unimaginable virus in the students. This virus attacks the brain, limbs, and eyes. The virus begins in the brain slowing down reactions and intelligence. As time progresses, the virus begins to affect the limbs making it difficult to raise the arms above the head and pick up the legs more than two inches off the ground. Students have been seen dragging their feet along the ground while their arms hang limp at their sides. Finally, the last known symptom
They’re everywhere!!
affects the eyes, giving them a bloodshot look and eventually turning red with puffiness. Wilson seems to appear empty and barren, but these zombies appear without any warning. Most of the zombies
Photo Provided by Pam Segel
seem unresponsive to what is going on around them, but everyone is encouraged to stay alert. If there is anyone out there that you believe is infected, watch for the symptoms and stay safe be-
fore we all become zombies! Wait... the newsroom just received an update! Wilson students may not be zombies after all. They may just be sleep deprived and stressed from studying for classes.
Turning Over the Tables: Ghosts Plan to Run 4 WCGA By Cadence Hooplesmurf
The Wilson College Government Association (WCGA) will soon hold elections to see who will make it into next year’s positions. Students are asked to apply for positions such as President, Vice President, Chief
Slimer “allegedly” in the dining hall
Justice, and every other position on the map. However, due to lack of student interest lately, there is new controversy brewing as to who will apply to these positions: the ghosts of Wilson College. What ghosts, you say? Why the ones in our hallowed
Photo Provided by Pam Segel
halls! From the ghoul living in the top of Warfield to the ghastly duo spooking the halls of Norland, the spirit community is all abuzz for this new election, and waiting for their time to shine. “If I get elected, I’m going to make it so ghosts are able to go to classes, because #ghostequality,” says Norman Sherbet, who plans on running for Toilet Chairperson. Sherbet mentioned that he was inspired by Moaning Myrtle to run for the position, saying, “She’s the best!” The main reason several of the campus’s ghosts want to run for a position is because they are hoping to form a team of leaders better than the local Ghostbusters chapter in Chambersburg. As ghost Gordon Grim says, “We need to establish a presence so they don’t wipe us all out. You know, give them a reason
not to and show them that at least some of us can be civilized. Plus, the laser damage would be expensive to repair.” When asked if this was in reference to Slimer recently visiting campus and allegedly stealing all of the dining hall’s food, Grim just rolled his eyes and stated, “What a barf ball.” In attempt to organize all of the hubbub and to distinguish ghosts from students, all of the ghost candidates can be found on Wilson’s partner site, beschooledbeghouled.com. Elections will be held online via this website on April 1 only. Do not miss out on electing potential candidates such as Annabelle Lee for Vice President, Cora Grady for Hall Monitor, and Sam Cobbler for Ghostly Art Supervisor. College benefactor Sarah Wilson will announce the winners following elections.
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NO ONE READS THIS, NOT EVEN MY MOM!
FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 2017
Beauty and the Beast: Live Action Sequel Comes to Wilson By Hettie Teapots
Disney confirmed today that the live action sequel to “Beauty & the Beast” will be shot on location at Wilson College. Sources speaking under the condition of anonymity said the college campus is a “perfect location” citing that the “Stickworks” creation was the deciding factor. “We absolutely wanted a location far from the hub bub of Hollywood with rolling lawns, beautiful limestone buildings and pastures with plenty of horses for the carriage scenes,” said executive producer Sir Irony Kettleton. “The “Stickworks” structure will provide the perfect summer castle so that Belle and the Beast can stay cool during shooting. Emma Watson, who portrays Belle, is excited about the project. “I’ve been told about the amazing food in South Central Pennsylvania and cannot wait to sample the slippery pot pie and
the scrapple.” President Mistick will host a welcome dinner for the actors, directors and crew upon their arrival on campus. The actors will be treated to luxurious accommodations in MacElwain/Davison Hall, enjoy access to the Fitness Center with personal training provided by Coach Gretchen Hand and report daily to Patterson Lounge for afternoon tea served by powdered-wig footmen. Officials at the college are capitalizing on the newfound popularity of the campus as “the place” for other filmmakers to bring their productions. “Our Fine Arts programs will benefit great-
ly,” said Professor BoBo. “Students will see a favorite childhood film come to life and Wilson College is thrilled to be a part of the new ‘Pennsylvania Hollywood’ push.” Filming is tentatively set to begin in Summer 2019. The campus community
will be invited to audition for parts as “extras” and might even land a speaking part in the film. For more information regarding this once in a lifetime project, please call “867-5309” or email jennnyigotyournumber@pahollywood.con.
Beloved Kids’ Author Takes on Establishment in Spinoff
By Desi Gruntled
J.K. Rowling, author of the bestselling Harry Potter books, recently announced via social media that she will release the first book of a spinoff series this fall. Though Rowling has remained vague as to exactly what she
has in store for the wizarding world and is silent on the title for the first book, she did provide a brief statement hinting to the overall plot of the new series. "The story takes place ten years after the battle at Hogwarts and the wizarding world's victory
Photo Provided by Pam Segel
over Voldemort," said Rowling. Rowling explained that a new darkness has fallen over the wizarding and muggle world, and it's up to Harry, Hermione, and Ron to once again save the planet from annihilation. "It seems that in their inept, lovelorn states, our heroes overlooked an eighth horcrux," Rowling mentions. "Typical." Unlike the first series set in various locations in England, Rowling stated that the new story will take place exclusively in Washington, D.C. "I don't want to spoil the story for everyone, but let's just say that Harry's new adventure will be 'yuge,'" said Rowling. "Fans will love it 'bigly.'" Bibliophiles around the globe have taken to social media to share theories about who or what Harry will encounter as he takes on this new threat to the world.
"I think the eighth horcrux is Ronald Frump's toupee," said one superfan who asked to remain anonymous in fear of retribution (*cough* IkeMay EncePay *cough cough*). "I swear that thing crawls into my office to spy on me every day." Others have theorized that Frump himself is the orange reincarnation of Voldemort, and that his advisers are actually Death Eaters in three-piece suits. "The thought of Voldemort with the nuclear codes. Can you imagine?" said former Vice President Joe Biden, who is hands down a Griffindor. "I knew I should have stupefied him when I had the chance." Though no clear date has been set for its release, given the nature of Harry's new mission many have speculated that the book will arrive in stores sometime this November.