2015 04 01 Bullboard

THE B LLBOARD Middleofnowhere, Scotland

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015

WILSON

SPRING 2015 ISSUE 9 3/4

The &%*# Runs Thick With This Crew

Student Snaps in Science Center

By B. R. Zurk

Wednesday Mar. 25 Wilson College senior Karlaigh Moriarty had an extensive mental breakdown and caused severe damage to persons and property on the Wilson College campus. After five years of completing a duel major with a triple minor her peers, professors and parents had high hopes for her to succeed.

“I saw the whole thing,” says Bea D’Iyes ’19. “She hurled a chair through of one of the science center windows and set fire to the chemistry labs. I bet she would have let the animals loose from the biology department and VMC if professors hadn’t tackled her down the stairs first.” On top of the damages sustained to the Harry R. Brooks Complex for Science, Mathematics and Technology, Warfield, South and Riddle Hall were destroyed.

“I broke my pinky. The doctor prescribed me medication that I’m probably going to get addicted to,” commented Mora Fine ’17. Luckily, a broken pinky and future drug addiction were the worst injuries. Other individuals sustained minor cuts and bruises in the attempt to get out of the line of fire.

Junior Candice B. Fureal ’16 says, “I can’t believe it. Karlaigh always had a smile on her face and seemed happy.”

Other students and faculty shared the same sentiments as they had spent time with Moriarty during and outside of class and said she was level headed and polite, full of positive energy and creativity.

However, there are many from the outside Chambersburg community who are outraged.

“She’s going to Hell,” states Bill Zebub, a Chambersburg resident and member of the Overly Devout Order of the Holy

I solomnly swear that I am up to no good...

Stuff about stuff 2, 3&4

A Blast after Lunch Dragons in the Library Mutant Serpant Former Villians....Faculty?

Wilson College Blacklist Horrorskopes Feline Overlords Personal Ads

Hate someone and need to vent?

Think someone is a piece of doo doo?

Just want to insult someone for pleasure?

Beware.

Trinity House of God’s Angels for Christ. “God has no place for crazy […]’s like her. Except for Lady GaGa. That chick can ride my disco stick any time.”

A short interview with Moriarty allowed us to examine the mind that caused the havoc and destruction. “I just got tired of people,” Moriarty ’15 tells reporters. “There’re people here, there’re people there, there’re people everywhere. Up and down and all around. In the air and on the ground. In planes and cars.

In libraries and bars. There’re people everywhere, I say. So I said to myself, ‘What the hey? Let’s go on a rampage.’”

The disturbed Seussesque ramblings can only lead us to ask the following questions: Should today’s educators reconsider their teaching methods? Are concepts such as One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish or Green Eggs and Ham too intense to teach in

schools? Are unholy theories such as two plus two equals five causing the youth of today to commit terrible crimes?

When further questioned on her cryptic answer Moriarty explained, “People lie. They cheat and they steal. There’s just no appeal. At least not for one whose sanity is surreal.”

This incident seems to be the workings of a deranged sociopath whose constant negative interactions with people have led her to fly over the cuckoo’s nest. It should stand as a lesson to everyone to be respectful and considerate of others lest there be more violence.

There are many decisions to be made for the future of Wilson College. The administration will take into account the tragedy that occurred this past Wednesday to make the campus safe for students.

In the meantime, students and faculty alike will mourn for their beloved college.

Join the

“Wilson Complaints” Facebook page!

line with

Connect on

THE BULLBOARD

/TheWilsonBullboard @WilsonBullboard TheWilsonBullboard.com bullboard@wilson.edu

2

THE BULLBOARD

ZUPMAK

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015

Local Man Launched into Space after Lunch

By Fartmaster McPigFarts

Last Wednesday, March 18, at approximately 1:00 p.m. an anonymous editor of a local publication that will remain unnamed let loose such a heinous and accelerated passage of excrement that he was blasted into the stratosphere.

The afartmentioned individual has not been seen since he disappeared with a brown twinkle in the afternoon sky.

Though he has been smelt.

Bystanders claim that the asstronaut had been complaining of a rumbling, growing pain in his lower abdomen for several hours before launch. Supposedly, the man ate quesadillas for lunch—an unfortunate miscalculation.

Local authorities released a statement on the disruption the next day. Police name the

event “bizarre and frankly unprecedented.”

Investigation into the strange occurrence is ongoing, though investigators fear that the true cause of the monumental movement may never be discovered using current technology.

“I’m confused and impressed, honestly,” says Casey Beidel ’13, Editor-in-Chief of the Wilson Billboard and flatulence enthusiast. “I wonder where he is now,” he says with reverence.

Calculations estimate that given the trajectory of the human projectile, considering the earth’s rotation and gravity and air turdulence, it is entirely possible that the individual broke through the planet’s atmosphere and entered into outer space. In the case that the man did exit the planet’s gravitational pull, the speed

and direction may send the individual just outside of the gravity of Mars. That planet’s gravitational pull may send the person deeper into space, perhaps even slightly beyond Jupiter before he collides with another terrestrial body.

For those concerned about their own safety, experts suggest steering clear of rice and beans, Mexican food and any other potentially “gastrologically accelerating foodstuffs.”

However, nutritionists confirm that “it simply is not going to happen” to a “regular” individual. Habitually consuming healthy fruits and vegetables and exercising discrete gas passage is recommended.

Services are available for those affected by what the media calls “sudden butt-blast disorder.” Private restrooms

are available at Wilson upon request and reservation. Wilson students are not alone in this issue, and there is no need for the problem to build up to such extremes for any other people in this community. To get help taking the pressure off, call the Gastric Relief Anti-Launch Hotline toll-free: 1-800-NO-NASSA.

What’s this cow doing here?

Dr a g o ns a nd Libr aries and Delay s, O h M y!

By The Keeper of the Keys at Wilson

The John Stewart Memorial Library construction halted March 31th after tremors shook the campus to the core. Workers were told to go home and stay there forever.

The initial announcement left many questions. “I wondered what made them stop,” said Sarah Longbottom ’17.

Longbottom went on to note, “There wasn’t an earthquake.

I think.” The construction company remarked on the cause of the damage later that day. Their official statement

claimed that “electrical issues” had come up in recent tests.

“Electrical damages?

Are they crazy?” remarked Neville Lovegood ’15. “Do they think we’re daft?” Several students voiced complaints over the obvious misinformation fed to the public.

The structural integrity of the library was compromised in the event. Cracks have also appeared on the side of Warfield Hall. It was not until the culprit of the damage stepped forward and commented on what happened that the

Wilson campus truly knew the extent of the problem.

A disgruntled, and frankly angry, Norwegian Ridgeback named George seemed to be the cause of the damage. George commented on the incident claiming that, “I was minding my own business—sleeping, mind you—when I was jolted awake.” When asked how he had remained undisturbed throughout the remodeling process he remarked, “Sure, I heard the construction, but I just stuffed dirt up my ears. Shocking me? That was

just cruel. Of course I’d wake up.” Construction workers deny seeing George and still claim no fault in the accident.

George angrily stated, “They’re just lucky I’m not a Horntail. I was courteous enough not to burn down every building here.” He continued by saying, “If they don’t apologize. No, if they don’t grovel and beg my forgiveness I might not be so kind in the morning.”

News of George reached administrators, but there is no word yet if they have rectified the situation.

for weeks. However, a recent sighting of the beast in the basement of Riddle Hall has administrators believing that the snake is simply seeking the comforts of home.

Associate Professor of Zoology, Anthropology, and Astrology, Dr. Fryer Burned, claims she is convinced that the creature poses no threat to students, faculty or staff

despite an increase in the number of snake bites being reported to the infirmary.

Turn to page 394 for further updates on this developing story. Or not. It’s just a basalisk.

Students Urged to use Constant Vigilantce: Mutant Serpent

By Desi Gruntled

The escape of a basilisk from its enclosure in South Hall last month has kept the campus community on edge

BILLBOARD STAFF Advisers: Dolores Umbridge and Severus Snape Editor-in-Chief: Who cares...he’s a Hufflepuff Graphic Design and Layout Editor: Lord Voldemort Staff Contributers: SLYTHERIN HOUSE Online Editor: Bellatrix LeStrange Work Study: Peter Pettigrew Cartoonist: Winky the House Elf EDITORIAL MISSION STATEMENT

WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE! WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE! WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE! WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE! WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES! ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE! WE ARE SLYTHERIN HOUSE! THE DARK LORD LIVES!

THE BULLBOARD

pes o k s r o r r o H Aries (March 21-April 20)

Beware of the universe, for she is out to get you. If you want to avoid the terrible fate coming your way, we suggest cuddling an alligator or sacrificing your left shoe to the gods

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015

NOINIPO Taurus (April 21-May 21) It gets better. We promise. Treat yourself to a night of cookie dough and romantic comedies. Want to win bonus points with Karma?

Go around and give everyone wearing blue shoes a hug. Trust us, it’s science.

Libra (September 24-October 23)

Gemini (May 22-June 21) You’re crazy and that’s okay, most people can deal with it. However, there is going to be someone soon who cannot handle the crazy. The horoscope gods give you permission to bite your thumb at them. Do it.

Leo ( July 24-August 23) Refrain from murder this week. We know this is hard, but the universe is not on your side. You will get caught. We suggest taking up a hobby like painting with the blood of your enemies or knitting sweaters from their hair.

Capricorn (Dec 23- Jan 20) You are Divergent. You cannot be controlled.

All of these horoscopes are your fate. You’re going to be very busy.

We are sorry to inform you that this week is going to be the best one of your life. Think that sounds great? Think again. That means from here on out, no matter what you do, nothing will be better than this one week. Have fun...

Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

3

Cancer ( June 22-July 23) Keep smiling, seriously those pearly whites will blind your enemies and then you shall have victory. The peasants will bow down to you and you will have the respect you have always desired…as long as you give up chocolate for the rest of your life. We understand this is a tough decision.

Virgo (August 24-September 23) You’re going to pass that exam! YAY! You’re also going to fall down the rabbit hole and be forced to stop a civil war in Wonderland. No pressure, but if you don’t do this all of space and time might implode and it will be your fault. Good luck.

Sagittarius (November 23-Dec 22) A strange man with a bowtie will approach you and tell you to run. It is very important You’re going to come into a lot of money this week. Sure, you listen. And don’t blink. Blink and you die. a man in a ski mask is going to throw you said money, Space is a wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing but beggars can’t be choosers, right? Take it and run.

Your car can outrun the cruisers, we’re sure. anyways. Geronimo.

Aquarius ( Jan 21- Feb 19)

Pisces (Feb 20-March 20)

We know you’re sad you never got your Hogwarts letter. We believe in you. Pack up your things and move to the UK. Become the wizard you were always meant to be. We support your decision.

Walk out the door exactly fifty paces. Look up at the sky, raise your hands and praise the gods. Promise them your first child or whatever else it is they desire.

You are the only hope of ending this eternal winter.

Do not let us down.

Wilson Campus: Bow Down Humans to Your Feline Overlords

By Mrs. Norris

They have finally done it.

The barn cats have officially completed their secret mission to control the oasis by the name of “THE BARN”. Evil masterminds George, Jelly, Barbosa, Norman, and Bugs have been working on this plan for the past few years. Slowly they have been lowering the guards of students, staff and, most terrifyingly, our very own horses. Yes you read that right, even our horses have fallen susceptible to furry little balls of evil. Our horses have agreed to be their minions and act as weapons should the humans retaliate. Overnight they installed numerous cameras and microphones

around campus in the name of spying on human behavior, until the munchkins have figured out every inch of us.

George and Bugs have been acting as the main buffers, interacting with the barn staff and gaining their trust. Very quickly they gained access to the main office and computer records. Norman took the student route, following us to our dorms, secretly hanging in parlors and eventually gaining access to the VMC through expert ceiling climber, Bella.

Once inside the VMC Norman managed to gain the trust of the cats within, who then worked together to bring the dogs under their control, acting as messengers in their dai-

Super awesome mega foxy hot totally awesome woman-child looking for the following man: 1. 6’2” or taller 2. Ginger (or dyable hair) 3. Jewish (or willing to convert) 4. Abs 5. Be willing to provide a minimum of three (3) horses to ladyfriend.

6. Former cowboy, now veterinarian.

7. British or Irish accent 8. *Or Neville Longbottom

ly walks around campus. I fear even our pets have been infected through this secret language of evil. Right-hand man to the mastermind is Jelly.

She has been watching silently and occasionally interacting when the boss commanded it.

Now who might this evil overlord be? None other than Barbosa the pirate himself!

Having grown tired of the food left in his dish, his aspirations have moved higher than reaching the top of the hay pile to taking over the very humans who have served him. Now he is determined to change Wilson from co-ed to co-animal.

My sources have chosen to remain anonymous for fear of their life. “I overheard them

25-35-25 Slim International Student searching for soul mate.

Requirements: U.S. citizenship, common sense, hair, and ability to bake. Must be tall or short. Must be looking for a commitment, ideally marriage. Must be willing to commit within the next two months before I leave the states. *Baking and hair is optional.

talking by the sawdust pile about elimination tactics for anyone who dares defy them or owns a laser pointer. They say there will be daily offers of yarn and catnip.” As I lay my life on the line to bring you this story, Bugs has walked past my dorm-room window three times now hoping to catch me in the act. I fear that once this is published my name will be mysteriously wiped from the records, teachers will suddenly cease to know my name, and my desk chair will sit eerily empty in the classroom collecting cobwebs. My dearest classmates, remember me when I am gone and try to prepare for this disasterously adorable cat-tastrophy.

ISO Horse Loving Marine Searching for the perfect match! You should be a marine (obviously!) (If you aren’t….stop reading this and get your life together), between 23-32 years old, and over six feet.

Animal lover is a must. NON-NEGOTIABLE! You should laugh in the face of danger. My cats may (will) attack your toes without warning. My dog will take you out at the knees. My horse expects apples and carrots and noncompliers are bound to get a hoof to the face. Still reading this? Great! If you drive a crappier car, you will not pass go!

You should be happy with couch marathons of “Supernatural,” “Archer,” “The Blacklist,” “Leverage” and many more.

Bench pressing ability of 200 pounds or more a plus. :D If interested email allabouthatbass@bowchickabowwow.com

4

THE BULLBOARD

SSUPMAK

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2015

Former Villains: New Identities as College Faculty

By Desi Gruntled

A recent investigation has revealed a shocking discovery that has many community members outraged and students tweeting, “OMG! WTF?!?”

Suspicions mounted early last month when a work-study student in the Biology department was rushed to the local hospital unconscious after encountering a basket of apples in the faculty lounge.

“Like, OMG. They were just so red and shiny,” said Blizzard Blanca ’16. “I hadn’t, like, eaten anything since the night before and, like, I just had to have one. I thought they were, like, samples or something from the new GMO apple trees they’re working on in the greenhouse to make the horses fly.”

Extensive testing of the apples in question revealed that they contained high levels of Ambien, Lunesta, and Nyquil.

Investigators linked the discovery of the poisoned apples with another incident that occurred in January that involved a drama student who fell ill while sewing costumes for an upcoming production.

“I remember pricking my finger on the needle of the machine,” said Bella Nod ’17, yawning. “Then I woke up in the hospital surrounded by fairies and woodland creatures. It was horrible.”

Trace amounts of the previously-noted substances had been found on the needle to which Nod had succumbed.

In each of the above instances, only the kiss of a worthy prince could rouse the victims—a search made much easier given the school’s recent transition to a coed institution.

“If it hadn’t been for what’shis-name, I may not be here,” said Blanca. “I’m totes a feminist and all, but this time I literally needed a random dude to save my life.”

Though there has been no indication that other attacks are imminent, administrators remain concerned and on heightened alert.

“What we have here is a serious threat to our students and the entire campus community,” said Jeff Far, Adviser to the President. “I simply cannot say anything more as this is an on-

going investigation; however I have thoroughly convinced the entire administration to heed my guidance. Strange things are afoot.” (Afoot? Really?

Who uses that word anymore?)

However, many faculty members fear that this is only another tactic by outside parties to promote further separation between professors and students…or something like that. I’m really not sure at this point how any of this is relevant news, but hey! I’m only the lowly police beat reporter!

“Poor unfortunate souls,” said Dr. Ersa Loctopus, Associate Professor of Marine Biology. “Though I do sympathize with their plight, I find it egregiously detrimental to the harmony of this institution that these voices continue to paint the faculty in a bad light.”

Many students, on the other hand, feel that these latest developments have further validated their feelings about some of the faculty members on campus.

“I knew it!” said G. Aston Brute, captain of the wrestling team, basketball team,

archery, and just about everything else. Kinda pathetic actually. “I kept telling everyone that my professors were evil, but no one believed me. I mean seriously—the amount of reading they give us every night, the impossible pop quizzes. How could anyone believe otherwise? I say we storm the fortress and take back our school! Who’s with me?!?”

Ella Ashe ‘17 agrees.

“Do you have any idea how hard Professor Tremaine works her work-study students? I’m constantly sweeping up after that woman, taking her laundry to the cleaners, and basically waiting on her and her two interns hand and foot. I doubt I’ll even have a chance to go to Spring Fling at this rate.”

Though most professors were too busy or unwilling to submit to an interview, newly-hired fencing coach Jonathan Hook spoke candidly as he readied his model pirate ship in the Conn.

“I feel it is, indeed, bad form to jump to conclusions,” Hook said. “Though, as I have learned time and again, a crocodile is a crocodile.”

The Updated and Current Wilson College Blacklist By %50 Chocolate, %50 Horse Hair

April 1, 1888, the Wilson College Oversight Committee was founded to secretly govern the student body. Through an anonymous source the Wilson Billboard has been granted exclusive access into the inner workings of the elusive group through an anonymous source, “Buck Master,” by revealing the current top five assailants. Each member on the list has a code name although the alleged co-presidents of the Oversight Committee, Shoshana and Caitlyn, deny the validity of the list.

1.

The Master: Extremely dangerous and fond of French Onion dip. No recent photo has been captured. She is linked to countless crimes, starting in 1999 with the ac-

quisition of dental services for her equine partner in crime.

Reward offered for credible information on her whereabouts.

2.

The Apprentice: The most recent graduate of the Master. Last seen attempting to take over a large scale operation. Commonly seen with an unknown accomplice on the weekends and is believed they are working towards a hostile take-over in the future. She is easily distracted by teal and black plaid. Reward for information leading to capture.

3.

The Huntress: Stands at 16 hands, 11 years old, and extremely sassy. This mare has reached the number three spot for her unwillingness to work and penchant for pretending to be a kite in the winter. She is a suspect in the latest school horse break-out which lead to

an all-night equine rager.

4.

The Southern Belle: Stands at 14’2 hands, 8 years old, and was last seen trotting away at high speed from the Cook Arena. She was last seen sporting black tack and has distinctive stars on her hindquarters. If seen, do not attempt to capture. If you value your limbs, call 191.

5.

Thing 1 & Thing 2: This dastardly duo terrorizes the community utilizing secret deals and sabotage to for their gains.

They emerge at dusk using the night as a cover for their underground hay Current mug shot of the elusive “Southern Belle.” smuggling ring. Information on included IP Overload, Pursethis pair is thin, but maintain dog-lover, and Overworked vigilance for any illicit activity. & Unreliable. Go to page, Other codenames on the list 314, for more information.