2018-04-01

THE B LLBOARD PAWNEE, IN

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

WILSON

SPRING 2018 ISSUE 626

GIVING

YOU

SOME

ALTERNATIVE

FACTS

IN

Image collaged by Trump during Craft Hour.

Earlier this morning, it was announced that President Trump fired his entire Cabinet. Everyone. Without explaination. When I asked the President who was being considered to fill the positions, I could not help but notice a pattern: All but one were fictional characters. Despite this, he claims that they are all real and following him on Twitter.

Below is a list of who President Trump insists will fill the now open Cabinet positions: Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency: I will not be asking that nasty woman Leslie Knope (“Parks and Recreation”), even though I know she wants this job. She wants it bad, okay? I have someone way more qualified. Yogi Bear (“Yogi Bear”) knows firsthand about the environment. I mean, he lives in Jellystone Park and it is our finest American park. No, no, it is actually the greatest park in the world. America is number 1 in parks and bears.

Administrator of the Small Business Administration: Willy Wonka (“Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”) took a tiny chocolate shop and then turned it into this huge, internationally loved factory filled with tiny workers. And I looked into all the paperwork. The OompaLoompas were properly documented. And now that that Bucket boy runs the show, I‛m sure Wonka is looking for a hobby to start up during retirement.

What else is a Cabinet seat for?

Attorney General: Some losers say I hate women but they are

wrong. They are so wrong. Super wrong. I‛m going to give this to the only attorney lady I‛ve ever heard of that is not Crooked Hilary. The chick‛s named Ally McBeal (“Ally McBeal”). If someone is going to take my precious time to talk to me about a girl lawyer then she is the best. She‛s attractive and by attractive, I mean thin and blonde and breathing.

Director of National Intelligence: Is there anyone more intelligent than Dr. Sheldon Cooper (“The Big Bang Theory”) in our nation? No, I heard he has a spot he won‛t move from but I bet if I buy him model trains that I could change his mind.

Director of the Central Intelligence Agency: We‛ve been trying to get in touch with Sydney Bristow (“Alias”) all morning. She‛s tough to find. I hear.

Director of the Office of Management and Budget: Dwight Schrute (“The Office”) has been after this job for years.

Representative of the United States to the United Nations: Captain America (one of Marvel‛s “Avengers”) seems like the right choice here. Everyone will know which country he represents based on his name alone. But then again, Homer Simpson (“The Simpsons”) represents America pretty well, too.

Secretary of Agriculture: This is another job that Dwight Schrute (“The Office”) has been after for years. He can have them both. It‛s not like anyone will care. And he‛ll still have time to golf with me if he wants to.

Secretary of Commerce: That Fran Fine (“The Nanny”) really knows how to shop, get huge deals, and her people are good with money so… that‛s a no brainer.

Secretary of Defense: Remus Lupin (“Harry Potter” series) was arguably the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher but he is British…and a werewolf… and dead. I‛m not going to outsource this job, anyway. I want an American. Too bad Nick “Goose” Bradshaw (‘Top Gun”) is also dead.

Maybe we could call Dean Winchester or his brother Sam? Secretary of Education: Mr. George Feeney (“Boy Meets World”) is retired. So, Sue Sylvester (“Glee”) and Agatha Trunchbull (“Matilda”) can do Rock, Paper, Scissors for it. See, I can give a woman a job without her being hot.

Secretary of Energy: No one has more energy than Tigger (“Winnie the Pooh”). I will fight anyone who disagrees.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: I thought the news already broke that Dr. Hannibal Lecter (“Silence of the Lambs”) has the position? He‛s also going to be the head chef at the White House. Too bad I‛m rarely here.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Paul Blart has shown great bravery at his local mall.

I think America is a lot like the West Orange Pavilion Mall.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Any of the Bluths (“Arrested Development”) could do this job in their sleep. It would be a huge mistake to pick from any other family.

COMIC

SANS

Secretary of the Interior: I‛m very close with Karen Walker. She told me that she‛ll help persuade Grace Adler to take the job. If not, I can probably just do all the interior design work myself. I‛ve already done half the work. I made the White House look great again with my collection of throw pillows. I‛ve thrown pillows in so many room.

Secretary of Labor: Catelyn Stark (“Game of Thrones”) has gone into labor 5 times. She knows labor. But you know who also knows labor? Ross Geller (“Friends”) got two different women pregnant.

I‛m gonna to have to go with Ross.

Secretary of State: No one has had more foreign affairs than Barney Stinson (“How I Met Your Mother”). Plus, he‛s just as much of a liar as Hilary and she used to have the job so that works for me.

Secretary of Transportation: I was in talks with Dominic Toretto (“The Fast and the Furious”) and Ricky Bobby (“Talladega Nights”) but I just heard this morning that Marty McFly (“Back to the Future”) has a car that can time travel. America needs to be number 1 in cars and time travel.

Secretary of the Treasury: America loves Captain Jack Sparrow (“Pirates of the Caribbean” series) and he loves treasure.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Don Draper (“Mad Men”) cheated on his wife Betty for decades. That would make him a veteran of having affairs, right?

Plus, he‛s almost as handsome as I am. Almost. If he is not interested, Blanche Deveraux (“Golden Girls”) can have the job.

U.S. Trade Representative: Maybe I‛ll bring back Mike Pence for this. Word on the street is that he secretly loves trade.

Vice President: SpongeBob SquarePants already put in his notice at the Krusty Krab in order to take the as my VP. He‛s just the type of Yes Man I need in this job. This kid has got a huge future in politics.

White House Chief of Staff: Chief Jim Hopper (“Stranger Things”) has solved all of Hawkins, Indiana‛s most bizarre crimes and I am sure he would also do well solving the crimes of our White House Staff.

2

THE BULLBOARD

DEADLY

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

Superheroes Bring Super Damage to New York

By Candy Capers

It‛s a beautiful Saturday afternoon in New York, and people take advantage of the first day of actual spring weather as they frolic and play at Central Park. A sense of electricity seems to permeate the air as children dance under the interactive sprinklers at Tar Family Playground and old men talk smack as they strategize at the chess tables. It‛s just a typical spring afternoon in the heart of the city.

A loud sonic boom resonates through the park, and immediately all eyes are on the darkening sky.

“God, not this again,” one of the chess players laments as he captures his opponent‛s queen.

“Every nice day, like clockwork.”

His opponent, never taking his eyes from the board, smirks. “They just saving the world, Fred. People gotta work.”

“I‛d prefer they work somewhere else,” Fred

sighs with a shake of his head.

“Damn Avengers.”

Fred doesn‛t seem to be alone in his frustration. Amid the adults scrambling to catch their curious, awestruck children, a large number of others roll their eyes and groan at the familiar sight of chaos and destruction raining down over the entire park. Among them, a maintenance worker throws down his broom.

“I just got that area straightened up,” he grumbles, rubbing his forehead.

“Took me a week to get the char stains off the sidewalk.”

For as much praise the Avengers regularly receive from the media, one would assume that it was something the heroic team has become accustomed to hearing on a daily basis. However, today‛s observations make it all too obvious that their neighbors have not necessarily jumped on the bandwagon.

Eventually the airborne bat-

tle ends, and the Avengers reconvene. They are a bit singed from the firestorm brought on by the alien battleships, but otherwise seem unflustered.

Their leader-by-default, Tony Stark, removes his helmet and waves to the crowd.

With another collective groan, the unamused spectators resume their day.

“No appreciation,” Stark says to Captain America, who simply shrugs.

There was once a time that the band of six—comprised of Stark, Cap, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and The Hulk (aka Dr. Bruce Banner)—would emerge from a fight to the fanfare of their fellow New Yorkers. These days, however, the public has become more likely to complain about the mess they leave behind.

“Just last week I got a bill in the mail from my landlord for repairs to the top five floors of my building,” Black Widow confides, though she refuses to

reveal for how much. Instead, she leans in and whispers, “Let‛s just say, I‛m pretty sure my homeowner‛s association is planning to vote me out of the building at their next meeting.”

Banner smiles. “You can always move to the warehouse,” he says, referring to his industrial home at the Port of New York and New Jersey.

“We‛ll discuss it later, big guy,” she states, obviously embarrassed by the suggestion. Though the two are known to have a romantic relationship, they shy away from public displays of affection—verbal or otherwise.

When asked why they still engage in hero work when the citizens of New York don‛t seem to appreciate their sacrifice, Thor tosses his flaxen hair back. “Someone has to do it. Plus, S.H.I.E.L.D has a great benefit package— we even get stock options.”

Cont. Page 3

Unfortunate Horoscopes...Read if you Dare Aries- You will die. Probably.

I mean, everyone dies sometime. Not necessarily today, but sometime. Just be on guard every minute of every day from now on.

Gemini- During an awkward moment, you will be slapped by a fish. This happens in life, and the best thing to do is turn the other cheek so it can hap-

Taurus- Sometimes, life fills us with completely unfounded fears and worries. Not today.

They‛re completely founded today, and you should

Leo- Today, you will meet the love of your life. Tomorrow, you will find what‛s left of their previous partner…

Cancer- Don‛t worry about a thing. You are perfect, and everyone will worship you for it.

Virgo- Today is a great day for risk taking. Tomorrow will be a great day for hiding under the covers after the many failures of today.

Libra- Think positive thoughts about yourself. Improving your self-esteem today will have a positive effect on yourself and those around you to last a lifetime. Or a week in your case.

Scorpio- When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Then hire a good lawyer, because you just made lemonade out of stolen lemons. Such is life.

Aquarius- When life gets you down, just sing. It won‛t fix a thing, but it will give you a nice soundtrack to your life.

Sagittarius- Wear your best and fanciest outfit, trim your hair, and try to look your best. That way, the zombie horde visiting this weekend will have a profound respect for you as they nosh Capricorn- Remember how Leo is getting the love of their life today? That‛s your current partner they‛re taking. Some days are just unlucky like that.

Pisces- You will slap someone today for no reason, Jerk.

BILLBOARD STAFF Advisers: Scrooge McDuck and Donald Duck Editor-in-Chief: Goldie O’Glit Graphic Design Editor: Magica De Spell Staff Contributers: Gyro Gearloose Online Editor: Mrs. Bentina Beakley EDITORIAL MISSION STATEMENT

Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg. Race cars, lasers, aeroplanes, it’s a duck-blur! Might solve a mystery Or rewrite history! DuckTales!

Woo-oo! Everyday they’re out there making DuckTales! Woo-oo! Tales of derring-do, bad and good Luck Tales! D-d-d danger lurks behind you.

There’s a stranger out to find you. What to do, just grab on to some...DuckTales! Woo-oo!Everyday they’re out there making DuckTales!

Woo-oo!

THE BULLBOARD

Hawkeye doesn‛t seem to agree. “Try having a wife and kids,” he sighs. “My paycheck barely covers my mortgage with how high my insurance rates are these days. You damage one Army helicopter…” Hawkeye shakes his head. “Crooks. All of them.”

Over a year ago, Hawkeye made headlines when he appeared on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon. His rendition of “Thinking Out Loud” (“I‛m Freaking Hawkeye”) quickly went viral, yet proved embarrassing to the S.H.I.E.L.D. organization, earning ridicule from his teammates.

“It‛s fine,” Stark says.

“I don‛t need screaming fans swarming around me.”

“Like hell,” Cap interjects.

“You‛re the vainest person on this team. You were saying just the other day that you missed…”

“Shut it, Rogers,” Stark warns with a pointed look.

“I don‛t need Pepper reading that in the paper tomorrow morning. I‛m already in the dog house for not doing the dishes last night.”

The team insists that, despite the negative reception of New Yorkers and the strain it has put on their “normal” lives, they will continue to save the day when duty calls.

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

WILSON, WHAT’S GOOD? Though their neighbors complain and accuse the six heroes of instigating the bad guys, they simply chalk it up to the New York personality.

“New Yorkers, at least collectively, are ***holes,” Stark says. “We get it. They‛re busy, and these battles are inconvenient. But I‛d like to see how they manage without us one day. S.H.I.E.L.D. won‛t allow it—we‛re contractually obligated to save the city every time some interplanetary force comes crashing through the space-time continuum. It‛s not like we want…”

“Can it, Stark,” Cap says before turning to the rest of the team. “Anyone hungry?”

“Shawarma!” Black Widow sings, leaving no room for debate.

As the sextet of superheroes ambles their way out of Central Park, commending each other on their performance during the battle, it appears obvious that their camaraderie with one another is all the appreciation they need.

The sound of swooshing against the pavement breaks the silence of their departure. The maintenance worker stops and leans on the handle of his broom as he watches them walk away.

“I wish I was an Avenger,” he sighs. “I love shawarma.”

Nuclear War Strikes Wilson

3

By Tim Horn

Anxiety about a potential nuclear war in America is at its highest in recent memory.

This consternation has been triggered by recent events, particularly the conflict over parking spaces at Wilson. Many students are wondering how to handle a potential nuclear conflict on campus should it arise.

According to Magnus von Püpenschortz, Wilson‛s Executive Director of Not Getting Fried, there are a few basic tips to avoid harm if Wilson should become irradiated.

The first tip is to not have a war in the first place. Von Püpenschortz said that this could reduce the likelihood of a strike by up to eighty-two percent, suggesting that this is the best option in terms of saving lives. He did caution that it is also the least likely, as it requires a significant number of people to “stop being so flipping annoying,” something he believes is highly unlikely.

If war cannot be prevented, von Püpenschortz‛s next course of action is actually based on advice his father gave him from his experience growing up in West Germany during the Cold War. “My father used to say, ‘Magnus, if you are ever caught in a nuclear blast, stick your fin-

gers up your nose. That way, your brains won‛t fall out.‛” Von Püpenschortz added that this is also a great way to plug up any nosebleeds that arise from the impact of the blast.

He also recommends that the best place to stand in during a nuclear attack is in the nearest bathroom, preferably with one foot in the toilet and the other dangling in mid-air. This promotes maximum protection and stability without getting both feet wet and allows the user to have a poo in private once everything settles down.

If all else fails and any students should become irradiated, von Püpenschortz suggests going out and rolling around in the radiation.

Since the student is already afflicted, he believes the best option is to embrace as much radiation as possible and hope to gain superpowers. He added, “Yeah, about 99.9% of the students will die as a result. But if enough students do it, one of them could become the next Batman, and everyone loves Batman.”

This last point is disputed by some students, one of which, Jervis Tetch ‛20, said Batman was a “total douchebag who ruined my bank robbery-themed Bar Mitzvah.”

Yurts “Busting Out All Over” Fulton Farm

By Peaches Radicchio

The Fulton Farm, ever on the cutting edge of sustainable agriculture, is now entering into the world of eco-tourism. Construction has begun on at least 6 yurts which will become part of a new eco-vacation plan bringing tourists to the college farm for that “down home farm” vacation experience.

The “Pacific Yurts” will measure 30 feet in diameter and be constructed of beautiful kiln-dried Douglas fir featuring lattice walls, rafters,

center ring, solid wood door, dome skylight, tension cables, side covers, fabric windows, flame-retardant top cover and rain diverter. Each yurt will be fitted with a deck with logs steps leading to a cozy fire pit area suitable for evening campfires and s‛mores galore!

Inside amenities include island kitchen, bathroom with compostable toilet, solar panel bank for electricity, electric fireplace, 70” flat screen television, surround sound and

wet bar. Floors are covered in eco-friendly handwoven carpets made from plastic shopping bags, lovely handmade wood furniture and sleeper sofas. Each yurt houses up to four people. Towels, linens and food are not included.

A small fee of $100 is assessed per person for a 7 day stay. Visitors must agree to work on the Fulton Farm a total of 18 hours per day during their stay. Nightly entertainment will be available including

performances by “The Serta Perfect Sleeper Gang” and “It‛s a Wilson Thing” Band.

Opening date has been set for August 1, 2018. President Mistick and all cabinet members have agreed to be the first occupants of the yurts and will be featured in a documentary entitled, “Sometimes Field Work is Tough.”

For more information on this fantastic vacation experience, please contact the Fulton Farm at “BR-549.”

4

THE BULLBOARD

VICTORY IS OURS

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2018

Lost Civil War Gold Discovered In Coffeehouse

By Prudence Starbird

Renovations in Sarah‛s Coffeehouse were halted last week after sandblasting of the brick walls revealed a “shiny” substance flaking off in the blasting sand. Upon further investigation, it was determined that $54 million in lost gold bars from the Civil War were disguised as “bricks” and were used in the construction of the walls in Sarah‛s Coffeehouse.

Chaplain Derek Wadlington, coordinator of the renovation project was heard to exclaim,

“The Lord works in mysterious ways!” adding that no one had any idea the treasure was “right before our very eyes.”

FBI agents and officials from the Department of Conservation and Natural Resources (DCNR) recently descended on Dents Run, Pennsylvania looking for the treasure that was lost just before the Battle of Gettysburg. Of course, no gold was found since it is safely embedded in the coffeehouse wall.

Stadium rock anthems could be heard pouring from the Gannett Fieldhouse

as Athletic Director Lori Frey, her staff and coaches were celebrating the find.

“We are thrilled with the discovery of the gold on campus,” said Frey. “I see a new state of the art fieldhouse on the horizon. Look out Shippensburg University, Gettysburg College and Chambersburg High School; there‛s a new kid on the block and it‛s Wilson College! RISE UP!” Naturally “Uncle Sam” may have something to say about where the treasure trove may end up. It will be a battle of the “Finders Keepers” rules

which Wilson is sure to win.

“We have crack attorneys who will negotiate heavily on our behalf,” said a Wilson official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “The government has been without this money for quite some time and we intend to get more than our fair share of this discovery.”

For now, renovations will continue and “treasure wall” will be cordoned off until the legal matter is resolved. Extra security will be posted in and around the coffeehouse to prevent anyone from sneaking in to stake a claim.

Wilson Equestrian Team Invades Poland

By Tim Horn

On March 25, Wilson College‛s Equestrian team shocked the world when they successfully invaded Poland.

Led by Coach Jaster Mereel, the team engaged in what was called a “team building activity” where the riders worked together to traverse the treacherous flat plains of north-central Poland into Warsaw. From there, they quickly surrounded the Sejm building, forcing a quick abdication and surrender from President Andrzej Duda. The quick success of the operation stunned the riders themselves, with senior rider Maya Teeth ‛18 adding, “We were not expecting to have such an easy time of it. I‛m kinda dis-

appointed it‛s over so quickly and we have nothing to do now.

According to the now exiled defense minister Jakub Szczszczeszinski, “We had prepared for this possibility for quite some time. We were hoping to hold them outside the city gates with our famous winged hussars. Unfortunately, we didn‛t realize they‛re all long dead, which greatly complicated things.”

He indicated that they had tried to compensate by hot glue-gunning ostrich feathers to their normal security forces, but that “the results were less than satisfactory.”

Coach Mereel suggested that their current hold on the country is only temporary and that they will likely re-

linquish it before their next competition on April 7, as the school just does not have the resources to function and run a separate country.

This will be a gigantic relief for the United Nations, who are still reeling from a similar coup in Montenegro, where the government was quickly and brutally overthrown by the Lancaster Bible College

Interpretive Dance team.

The UN has called for an end to the hostilities and for the LBCID to return the rightful government to power, but this has so far fallen on deaf ears.

The UN will be holding an emergency meeting to determine the next course of action and have hired the New York University School of Mimes to provide security for the event.