WINE SNOB 101: A GLASS FULL

FEATURE | Wine Connoisseur A Glass of Bull

David Biggs shares how to sound like a connoisseur

It has been said that more nonsense (sometimes pronounced “bullsh*t”) is spoken and written about wine than about any other subject on earth (with the possible exception of sex).

Pour a glass of wine and it becomes almost impossible not to ponti cate. is is particularly the case if you happen to belong to a wine club or tasting group.

Consider any other beverage; co ee for example. You could gather rare co ee beans from the highest peak in the Guatemalan Andes and roast them over the coals of a saint’s co n and serve a cup of the resulting brew to a friend and you’d expect no more than a “thank you.”

But have a friend slosh some wine (any wine) into your glass and if you’re considered a “wine fundi” everyone waits with bated breath for a suitable comment from you. “ ank you” or even “yum” is simply not good enough. With wine, a wise comment is absolutely necessary. is could present a problem for the verbally challenged drinker. No matter. Help is at hand. 5 FOOL-PROOF THINGS TO SAY ABOUT WINE:

11. COMMENT ABOUT THE VINTAGE

One reliable ploy is to compare the wine in your glass with another vintage of the same wine. “Ah,” you say, rolling your eyes thoughtfully upwards, “ is reminds me of the 2017 vintage.” (It’s almost always safe to mention the 2017 vintage, by the way, as it is widely considered to have been a great vintage for all South African wines. If the wine you’ve been poured actually IS from the 2017 vintage, smirk smugly and say, “Yes,

I thought so.”) 22. SUGGEST A FOOD PAIRING

Another conversational ploy is to suggest an unusual food pairing for the wine. A er rolling the wine around your tongue you could smile and say wistfully, “You know, this would go perfectly with a wildebeest potjie. My late granny always made fantastic wildebeest potjies.” You can then de ect the conversation from wine to weird foods and get on with enjoying what’s in your glass without having to think too deeply about it.

33. SNEAK A GLANCE AT THE LABEL

A valuable tip, when it comes to wine comments, is to sneak a peep at the label. A two-second glimpse of the label is sometimes worth a three-year master’s degree in oenology when it comes to spouting convincing wine nonsense. If the label tells you, for example, that it’s a De Krans wine from the

Calitzdorp area, you can mutter that you always feel the Calitzdorp area is underrated for Shiraz (or Pinotage, or whatever is in your glass). Make note of that “underrated” word. It’s a very useful feel-good word that tells your host he has discovered a hidden treasure that lesser folk have overlooked. It implies that your host has spent ages rummaging in obscure nooks and crannies of the winelands, searching for something unusual to titillate your well-tuned palate. A wellchosen remark atters the host and guest equally. No matter that your host actually dashed into Tops at Spar just before closing time and grabbed the cheapest red on the shelf.

44. BUT WHAT IF IT’S BAD?

Occasionally you may end up with a truly nasty wine in your glass.

Remember, though, that winemakers do not make nasty wines, so if you’re tempted to gag or spit it’s not the fault of the wine. It might be that the wine is still too young and tannic, in which case you can say it “needs time,” or there’s a problem with the cork (never the wine) in which case you can suggest it might be “corked.” ese problems should, however, never occur, as a good host always tastes his wine before o ering it to guests. Wine Connoisseur | FEATURE55. THROW AROUND THESE WORDS If you are ever stuck for a descriptive wine word, here are a few to keep handy for emergencies. Most of them are completely meaningless but sound good anyway. • You can say the wine is “nicely balanced” or “seamless.” And it has no

“rough edges.” • You may also comment that it has a

“long nish,” (particularly if you can’t get the nasty taste out of your mouth even a er two cheese biscuits.) • It’s quite attering to say the wine has a “silky mouthfeel,” even if you’re secretly meaning it reminds you of removing your girlfriend’s underwear with your teeth. • And if you really nd a wine that’s so bland it has no avour whatever you can describe it as “very subtle.” An increasing number of “very subtle” wines have reached the market recently, presumably because of some idea that alcohol is bad for you. (For goodness sake, if you don’t want alcohol in your wine, stick to fruit juice.)

So there you have it, ve ways to sound like you know what you’re talking about when it comes to wine. If all else fails, remember that wine is there to be enjoyed. Forget the snooty stu ! If you blurt out that the smell reminds you of a sweaty armpit or tastes like you licked a piece of bark—at least you’ll get a laugh or someone snorting wine out their nose in disdain. If it tastes good and goes down well, that’s all that matters, right?