A Glass of Bull
FEATURE | Wine Connoisseur
David Biggs shares how to sound like a connoisseur
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t has been said that more nonsense (sometimes pronounced “bullsh*t”) is spoken and written about wine than about any other subject on earth (with the possible exception of sex). Pour a glass of wine and it becomes almost impossible not to pontificate. This is particularly the case if you happen to belong to a wine club or tasting group. Consider any other beverage; coffee for example. You could gather rare coffee beans from the highest peak in the Guatemalan Andes and roast them over the coals of a saint’s coffin and serve a cup of the resulting brew to a friend and you’d expect no more than a “thank you.” But have a friend slosh some wine (any wine) into your glass and if you’re considered a “wine fundi” everyone waits with bated breath for a suitable comment from you. “Thank you” or even “yum” is simply not good enough. With wine, a wise comment is absolutely necessary. This could present a problem for the verbally challenged drinker. No matter. Help is at hand. 2 0
5 FOOL-PROOF THINGS TO SAY ABOUT WINE:
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SOUTH AFRICAN CONNOISSEUR
1. COMMENT ABOUT THE VINTAGE One reliable ploy is to compare the wine in your glass with another vintage of the same wine. “Ah,” you say, rolling your eyes thoughtfully upwards, “This reminds me of the 2017 vintage.” (It’s almost always safe to mention the 2017 vintage, by the way, as it is widely considered to have been a great vintage for all South African wines. If the wine you’ve been poured actually IS from the 2017 vintage, smirk smugly and say, “Yes, I thought so.”)
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2. SUGGEST A FOOD PAIRING Another conversational ploy is to suggest an unusual food pairing for the wine. After rolling the wine around your tongue you could smile and say wistfully, “You know, this would go perfectly with a wildebeest potjie. My late granny always made fantastic wildebeest potjies.” You can then deflect the conversation from wine to weird foods and get on with enjoying what’s in your glass without having to think too deeply about it.
