Welcome

Casey Phelps

While having breakfast in bed, as he had had every morning since the accident, Caro was startled by a peremptory rapping at his door. He lowered his cup of tea from his lips and promptly rejoined: “Just a moment, please.”

He recapitulated the cup on the tray next to the eggs benedict and hash browns and the napkin with the cutlery on top and the orchid in its vase. After placing the tray on his bedside table for later consumption (as he, a politely diffident man, rarely ate in the company of strangers) he shifted his weight to the opposite side of his bed to face his chest of drawers.

The knocking grew more intense.

“Just a moment.”

As he was above the covers, the ghastly stump that was once his leg, wrapped in a bloodied gauze, lay exposed. Opening a dresser drawer he removed his new pants, given to him by his cousin Marcus, with the left leg cut off halfway and sewn shut. He never wore them alone since he had lied about his waist size (feeling particularly vulnerable since the accident) and as a result the pants were far too tight for comfort, but they were all he had for the time being.

As he struggled donning the new pants the rapping continued.

Knock rap rap rap... Rap... Knock rap knock rap... Rap knock... Rap rap knock... Rap rap rap... Rap……. Rap rap……. Knock rap knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap rap knock… Rap knock rap rap… Knock rap rap……. Knock rap… Knock knock knock… Knock……. Rap rap rap… Knock... Knock knock knock… Rap knock knock rap……. Rap rap knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap…….

“Please, please, I just need one moment!” Caro responded with increasing anxiety, but the knocking continued inexorably, much to the discomfort of poor Caro.

“Is it an emergency?” Caro asked, as he fumbled with the pants. There was no answer. He was never able to get the button fastened, so he settled for pulling his shirt down over the waist and hoping the oncoming visitor would fail to notice. He answered.

“Oh, come in.”

The knocking continued.

“I say, you may enter!” he said a little louder, but the knocking did not cease. Caro shouted “You can come in!”

Knock rap rap… Rap… Rap knock… Knock… Rap rap rap rap– Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Knock rap knock… Rap rap… Knock rap… Knock rap rap… Rap knock rap rap… Knock rap knock knock……. Rap rap rap... Knock… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap……. Knock knock… Rap–Caro slumped down, nonplussed. There was someone knocking on the door, wasn’t there? Maybe someone was hammering in another room. No. No, he wasn’t having any work done on the house. It was his own house after all, he should know, and he had the right to know who was making all this racket in his own damn house.

Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Knock rap knock rap… Rap knock… Rap knock rap… Rap knock Rap… Rap rap… Rap knock… Knock knock rap… Rap……. Rap rap rap rap… Rap… Rap knock rap rap… Knock rap rap……. Knock rap rap rap… Rap rap knock… Knock... Rap knock knock knock… Rap rap knock… Rap rap rap… Knock……. Knock knock knock…

Caro searched with his eyes for his crutches. They were lying on the mantle, far on the other side of the room. He had always had a terrible sense of balance, which now rendered him practically immobile since the loss of his leg, and his crutches were his only hope for getting around. The visitor was going to have to let his or her self in.

“The door is unlocked …. Please… please let yourself in.”

The knocking continued.

“Hello?” Caro asked, desperately. Rap rap knock… Rap knock rap… Rap rap rap… Rap… Rap knock rap rap… Rap rap rap knock… Rap… Rap rap rap– Rap knock… Knock rap… Knock rap rap……. Rap rap… Knock Knock… Knock knock… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap… Knock… Rap knock… Rap knock rap rap… Rap rap… Knock… Knock rap knock knock.

“Dreadful knocking.” Edmond later said, at tea.

“It’s been going since morning.”

“My god, that long?”

“Since breakfast.”

“Moses, is that why you haven’t eaten?” Edmond motioned to the uneaten eggs benedict, hashbrowns and tea at Caro’s bedside.

“Yes. You know I can’t eat around other people. I’m shy that way.”

“Yes.”

“I just wish they would let themselves in and get on with it.”

“You must be ravenous. You should really go ahead and eat, darling.”

“I’m really not hungry anymore. This whole knocking business has made me very nervous. Stomach’s upset.”

“Can’t. Don’t have me crutches.”

“Well where are they?”

“There, on the mantle.”

Edmond, sitting by the fire with his cup of tea, looked up at the mantle to find the crutches there looking back at him.

“Ah.”

“I can’t reach them from here.”

“Mhmm.”

“I can’t get anywhere without the damn things.”

“I see.” Edmond sipped his tea loudly.

Rap knock knock… Rap……. Rap rap rap… Rap knock rap rap… Knock knock knock… Rap knock knock… Rap knock rap rap… Knock rap knock knock……. Knock rap rap… Rap knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap rap rap knock… Rap– Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Knock rap knock… Knock rap… Rap… Rap knock knock……. Knock rap… Knock knock knock……. Rap rap rap rap… Rap knock… Rap rap rap… Knock… Rap Rap Knock…

That night, Caro had much trouble trying to sleep. The knocking went on and on. He lay there in his bed, the covers scattered, his new pants still on, tossing about in frustration. He turned on his side and grabbed his alarm clock from the table, positioning its face beneath the moonlight. Thirteen minutes past three. He set it back down and looked to the door.

Knock rap… Knock rap rap……. Rap rap……. Rap rap rap rap… Rap knock… Knock rap rap……. Rap knock knock rap… Rap rap knock… Knock……. Rap knock… Rap knock knock… Rap knock… Knock rap knock knock…….Knock knock… Knock rap knock knock……. Rap knock rap rap… Rap knock… Knock rap rap rap… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap……. Rap knock… Knock rap… Knock rap rap…….

“Hello?” Caro asked, once again.

Knock knock… Knock rap knock knock……. Rap knock rap rap… Rap… Rap rap… Rap rap rap… Rap rap Knock… Rap knock rap… Rap……. Knock… Knock knock knock… Knock knock knock, … Rap rap knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap……. Rap rap rap rap… Rap rap… Rap rap rap……. Knock rap knock rap… Rap rap… Rap rap rap knock… Rap rap… Rap knock rap rap… Rap rap… Knock… Knock rap knock knock–

“Would you just come in already?”

Rap knock knock… Rap……. Rap knock knock rap… Rap knock… Rap rap rap...Rap rap rap…

Rap… Knock rap rap……. Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Rap rap rap… Knock rap knock rap… Rap rap rap rap… Knock knock knock… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap rap, ... Rap knock knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap… Rap Knock rap… Rap…….

Knock rap knock rap…

Caro took a pillow and wrapped it around his head, pushing it close against his ears, but this did very little to muffle the noise.

Rap rap rap rap… Rap rap… Rap knock rap rap… Knock rap rap… Rap knock rap… Rap… Knock rap……. Rap rap rap… Knock… Rap knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap rap rap knock… Rap……. Rap knock… Knock……. Rap knock rap… Rap… Knock rap knock rap… Rap… Rap rap rap… Rap rap rap–….… Rap rap… Knock rap……. Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Rap knock rap… Rap rap… Knock rap… Knock knock rap–

“Has it healed yet?” Caro’s father asked.

“Not quite. The doctor will be here later to change the bandage.”

“Freak thing, really.”

“What?”

“The business with that lion. Chewing your leg off and all that. Really came out of nowhere.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“Really, why not?”

“I was hunting it, wasn’t I? I would think it came with the territory.”

“It was a surprise to me, anyway. You really should think to tell your own father before going on an African hunting expedition.”

“It was only fair, wasn’t it? I was trying to kill the poor girl. I came thousands of miles, just to shoot her. Awfully rude of me. I should be thankful she only took a leg.”

“This is why you hire an expert, don’t go out there by yourself. You can’t take on the world all by yourself, you know. You’re not bloody Allan Quatermain.”

“I did hire an expert. A whole team of them. Game hunters. We were all attacked.”

“Well I didn’t know that. You should really tell your father these things.”

Rap knock knock… Rap……. Rap knock knock rap… Rap knock… Rap rap rap… Rap rap rap… Rap… Knock rap rap……. Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Rap rap knock rap… Rap rap… Rap… Rap knock rap rap… Knock rap rap… Rap rap rap……. Knock knock knock… Rap rap knock rap……. Knock knock rap… Rap knock… Knock knock rap rap… Rap rap… Knock rap… Knock knock rap…….

“And now with this damn knocking. It can’t be good for your recovery.”

Caro sighed. “It’s certainly making me uncomfortable.”

Knock knock rap… Rap knock rap… Rap knock… Rap rap… Knock rap–Rap knock knock… Rap……. Rap knock knock rap… Rap knock… Rap rap rap… Rap rap rap… Rap… Knock rap rap……. Knock...Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Rap rap rap… Rap… Knock… Knock… Rap rap… Knock rap… Knock knock rap……. Rap rap rap… Rap rap knock… Knock rap–

At dinner, Caro’s father cut his steak and drank his whiskey.

“You should really eat something, my boy. It’ll calm your nerves.”

“No. I can’t eat. Not when I’m so uncomfortable.”

Caro’s father continued cutting. “At least have a drink. Good for you.”

“I just wish I knew who it was.” Caro said. Knock knock knock… Cut knock cut……. Cut knock cut… Cut knock… Knock… Cut cut cut cut… Cut… Cut knock cut– ……. Cut cut cut cut… Cut……. Cut knock knock cut… Cut knock… Cut cut cut… Cut cut cut… Cut… Knock cut cut……. Cut cut knock… Cut cut cut–

“Who could it be behind that door?” he continued.

Knock… Cut cut cut cut… Cut……. Knock cut cut… cut… Cut knock knock… Cut cut cut……. Knock cut cut… Cut knock cut… Cut… Cut knock knock……. Knock knock cut knock… Cut cut knock… Cut cut… Cut cut cut Knock… Cut…

“I remember, when I was a boy,” Caro’s father said, “We had an old priest, an old, old man he was, and he used to come to our house every Sunday morning, early, early. And he would knock on the door and invite us to mass. We were the only family, you see, that didn’t go to church. Only family in the whole town. What was his name? Father O’... Father O’ … Father O’ something… Father O’–”

“Goldstein.”

“Father O’goldstein? That can’t be right.”

“No, Arnie Goldstein. My landscaper. He said he would stop by after my return from Africa. Maybe he’s the one who’s knocking.”

Cut chew cut… Cut cut… Chew cut… Chew chew cut……. Cut chew… Chew cut… Chew cut cut……. Chew cut chew cut… Cut cut cut cut… Cut cut… Cut Chew cut cut… Cut chew cut cut–Rap rap Knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap……. Knock knock knock… Knock rap… Rap knock rap rap… Knock rap knock knock……. Knock knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap rap rap… Rap rap rap… Rap knock…

“Arnie, is that you?”

Knock knock… Rap... Rap knock rap, ……. Knock knock… Knock rap knock knock……. Knock knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap knock knock… Knock rap–

Knock knock… Knock rap knock knock……. Knock… Rap rap… Rap knock knock rap… Rap knock knock rap… Rap… Knock– ……. Knock knock knock…

Knock rap… Rap knock rap rap… Knock rap knock knock……. Knock…

Caro’s father laughed.

Rap rap knock… Rap knock rap rap… Rap knock rap rap… Rap–…Rap knock knock… Rap……. Rap knock knock rap… Rap knock… Rap rap knock… Rap rap rap… Rap… Knock rap rap……. Knock rap rap rap… Rap… Rap rap knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap… Rap……. Rap knock…….

Rap rap rap rap… Chew chew chew… Cut cut chew… Cut cut cut… Rap…….

“The marigolds are in particularly bad shape.”

Caro nodded.

“Actually, the hibiscus is the worst,” the landscaper added.

“Is there anything that can be done?”

The waitress came by and filled Arnold Goldstein’s champurrado (A warm chocolate flavored masa beverage).

“Thanks, doll.” She rolled her eyes and walked away. Arnold continued. “I’m doing all I can for now. I got guys watering and resoiling around the clock. I really should have come sooner, I apologize.”

“I thought maybe you were the one knocking on my chamber door this whole time.”

“Oh you mean that knocking?” Goldstein said, pointing up in the air.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Yes, it’s been going for some time now.”

“You don’t know who it is?”

“No. Could it be one of your men?”

“Nah, my guys never enter the house without my permission. They always consult me first. If one of my boys charged into a client’s house, started knocking on their bedroom door, I’d send ‘em home with a pink slip—like that.” Arnold snapped his fingers. “This knocking though, it seems to cause you great discomfort.”

“It’s nerve-racking. Having someone knock on your door all hours like this. Never revealing themselves. Never even speaking.” Caro scanned the cafe. Patrons abound were holding their hands against their ears, shouting over the noise, wincing in mutual annoyance.

“Sometimes flowers react, psychologically to their owners.”

“What?”

Arnold shouted over the knocking: “If you’re experiencing discomfort, it could be taking a toll on your flowers! This might be why they’re wilting!”

Caro fell back against his pillows. “You really think?”

“What?”

The waitress dropped the check off on the chest of drawers. She yelled at Caro, “Are you sure I can’t get you anything?”

“Nothing for me, thank you. I can’t have anything because of the nerves.”

The Waitress nodded. She went back behind the counter and put on a pair of earmuffs she removed from underneath the register.

Doctor Stravinsky returned holding a manilla folder, thick with x-rays and notes, and sat at Caro’s bedside.

“Thank you for coming, Mr. Caro. I’m gonna give it to you straight, my friend. It doesn’t look good.”

“What is it, doctor?”

“It’s a very very very rare disease. I don’t even know what it’s called.”

“What? You don’t?”

“I have it written down somewhere here.” Stravinsky fanned through the folder to no avail. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. You already have it. And it’s advanced quite a bit.”

“Moses.”

Doctor Stravinsky rose and approached a lightbox affixed to the wall, onto which he fitted one of the x-rays.

“As you see here,” The doctor removed a baton from his lab coat and pointed at the image of Caro’s skull, which had two black spots where his ears should be, “It started here. In the ears.” He removed the x-ray and positioned a new one, displaying Caro’s neck covered in black spots, “Then it spread through the throat,” he replaced it with another x-ray, with more black spots

“then took over the lungs, the stomach, the liver.” another x-ray, more black spots “It spread through your left arm, all the way to your fingers,” another, “then your right arm, same thing,” another, “then your intestines,” another, “then your right leg,” another, “then your left leg— er, what’s left of it, rather.”

“I don’t remember taking all these x-rays.”

“Soon it will spread back up to the brain and then you’re done, baby.”

“But what-”

“Game over, son.”

“But-”

“You’re through.”

“Yes, but-”

“Dead, dead, deadski.”

The knocking continued.

“Yes, doctor, but there must be something we can do.”

“No.”

“Nothing? There’s no treatment? What do people normally do?”

“They don’t ‘normally’ do anything.” the doctor exclaimed, accompanied by finger quotes, “There’s nothing ‘normal’ about this. Like I said, this is a very very very rare disease. We don’t know anything about it. I don’t even know what it’s called, remember?”

“I just don’t under-”

“Doctors don’t know everything, you know.”

“I know, I just-”

“You’d actually be surprised at how little we know. There are a lot of areas where science is lacking. Humankind is still young in this respect.”

“Yes, but what would you advise? There must be some plan of action.”

“We’re all just winging it, you know? People think doctors are so smart, but we’re just winging it like everybody else. How much do you really know about the world? Really?”

Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap knock… Knock……. Rap rap rap… Rap… Rap… Knock knock… Rap… Knock rap rap..... Rap knock……. Rap rap rap… Rap knock knock… Rap… Rap knock rap rap… Rap knock rap rap… Rap rap… Knock rap… Knock knock rap……. Knock knock knock… Rap rap knock rap……. Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Caro winced and placed his hands against his ears.

“Hey, I’m talking to you buddy.” the doctor admonished.

“I’m sorry. It’s just … the knocking … it’s … incessant.”

“You know, one theory I have about this very very very rare disease, is that it’s caused by stress. Have you been under a lot of stress lately?”

“Yes, actually. It’s this knocking you see.”

“Mhmm. Have you been eating healthy?”

“I haven’t eaten at all since this started.” Caro motioned to the eggs benedict, hashbrowns and tea on the tray sitting on his bedside table. The food had grown a hirsute exterior of green mold. “I find it hard to eat when I’m so uncomfortable.”

“Mhmm. Mhmm.”

“On top of that, I’ve been wearing these uncomfortable pants for some time now. They are far too tight, and it hurts quite a bit.”

“Mhmm. Why don’t you just answer it?”

“I-”

“Like… just answer the door already.”

“I cannot walk without my crutches, which are on the mantle over there, out of my reach.”

The doctor looked at the fireplace. There, on the mantle, underneath a poster displaying the muscular system, were the crutches.

“I see.” Doctor Stravinsky rolled his swivel chair over to his desk and dialed a lone button on the phone. “Nurse Ratched?” he covered the receiver and whispered to Caro “That’s her real name!” he cleared his throat and returned his attention to the Nurse, “Can you see what all this knocking business is all about? Pronto. Thank you.”

He hung up and scooted his way back to Caro. “If you want my advice-”

“Yes. I do. Please.”

“I would see a psychiatrist. If stress is really at the root of the problem then they are the only ones who can solve it.” The doctor rose and removed his latex gloves, which he deposited in a biohazard receptacle affixed to the wall. “Now, if you’ll please excuse me.” he ventured down the hall where he tended to his other patients.

“I’m already part dead, anyway.”

Edmond frowned. “Now why would you say a thing like that? Don’t say that.”

“Well my leg is dead, innit?”

“Is it?”

“Well it doesn’t exist anymore. Isn’t that what death is? Not existing? Part of me no longer exists. I’m part dead.”

“What about fingernails and hair and stuff? Are they dead?”

“Hmm. I’m not sure if those count, but sure, I guess we’re all dying, all the time, slowly. Gradually losing pieces… maybe life is just the period of time it takes for someone to die.”

“Does it really not exist anymore? Your leg, I mean.”

“I don’t know.”

“What do they do with severed limbs at the hospital?”

“Probably donate them.”

“That can’t be right.”

“Why?”

“Because then they could donate it right back to you. Why give it to someone else?”

Caro thought for a moment. “Maybe someone else needed it more.”

“More than you? I can’t think of anyone who would need a leg more than the person who just had it ripped off of them.”

“Maybe someone of a lower economic status. One of the underprivileged. Someone who could get more out of it.”

“Out of a third leg?”

“No, I mean like someone who also only has one leg, but who needs a second one to support themselves.”

“I don’t think many of us could hold ourselves up with only one leg, not for very long at least.”

“No. I mean support themselves financially. Someone who works on their feet, like a construction worker or a stock person at a grocery store.”

“How would someone lose their leg at a grocery store?”

“Maybe a case of hams fell off a meat truck and crushed him.”

“Has that happened before?”

“It must have happened once. Besides, the point is moot since my leg was torn so that it is mangled beyond use.”

The knocking continued.

“Ze problem,” said Doctor Schwarzenberger, a small Austrian man with round glasses, a grey beard and a smart victorian era suit “zeems to be ztress.”

“Yes.” responded Caro, who thought the man looked rather a lot like Sigmund Freud, or rather like a cliche representation of a psychiatrist. ‘But if he is a real person,’ Caro thought, then I suppose he’s not a cliche representation. He’s just real.’ “I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, with this knocking and all.”

Knock knock rap… Rap knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap rap knock… Knock rap… Knock rap rap– …Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Rap knock rap… Knock knock knock… Knock knock knock… Rap rap knock rap……. Rap knock knock… Rap knock… Rap rap rap……. Rap rap rap… Knock rap knock rap… Rap knock… Rap knock rap… Knock rap Knock rap… Rap… Rap knock rap rap… Knock rap knock knock……. Rap rap rap knock…

“Ze knocking?”

“Yes. It’s been going quite some time.”

“You know, I had a very zimilar problem at mine offize in Vienna. There vas un butcher shop underneath, und all day zey tenderized ze meat. BANG BANG

BANG BANG BANG. All zrough mine zessions.”

“That is a very similar problem.”

“You know vat I did about it?”

“What?”

“Nutzing. Not a zing. I leet it go. It vas beyond mine control. Ze vorld ist much larger than you, young Caro. Zere izn’t much that you, I or anyone can do about zese things. Just accept them und move on.”

“But- … But don’t I have the right to be comfortable in mine own- I mean… my own home?”

“Nutzing is guaranteed to us, Caro. Not even un home. Ve are alone in zis vorld. Und you have to underztand zat zere is nutzing you can experienze, that others have not, and vill not experienze alzo.”

“So I am alone, but not alone in my suffering?”

“Yez. Prezizely. There is zolidarity in zuffering. It ist ze one zing ve share.”

That night, Caro laid in bed, in pain. His body was throbbing from the disease, and the knocking, as usual, would not stop. His mouth particularly dried, he leaned over to his chest of drawers and removed a glass of water that sat atop it. He drank the whole thing and found it did nothing to wet his mouth. The new pants from his cousin Marcus had been chafing his skin for some time, and when he placed his hands on the sores at his waist he cried from the pain.

The night dragged on and he soon found he could no longer move his body at all. He laid there, staring at the ceiling and said to the mysterious knocker:

“Please… please … come in.”

Rap rap… Rap rap rap… Rap rap… Knock rap rap rap… Rap knock rap rap… Rap– Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Knock rap knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap… Knock rap… Rap rap… Knock rap knock rap… Rap– ……. Rap rap… Knock rap……. Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Knock knock rap… Rap knock rap… Knock knock knock… Rap rap knock… Knock rap… Knock rap rap–

“Please … there might not …”

Rap rap rap… Rap rap… Knock rap… Knock rap knock rap… Rap……. Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap… Knock rap– ……. Knock… Rap rap… Rap rap rap……. Knock rap knock rap… Rap… Knock rap… Knock… Rap rap knock… Rap knock rap… Rap rap… Rap… Rap rap rap– ……. Rap knock… Knock rap… Knock rap rap…….

“There… there might not be much time…”

Knock rap knock knock… Rap… Knock…Rap rap knock rap… Rap… Rap… Rap knock rap rap… Rap rap rap……. Rap rap rap… Rap rap rap rap… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap… Knock… Rap… Rap knock rap……. Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap knock… Knock rap……. Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Knock rap rap… Rap knock… Knock rap knock knock Rap rap……. Rap rap knock rap…

“Please…”

Caro closed his eyes. Rap rap… Rap knock rap… Rap rap rap… Knock……. Rap rap rap… Rap rap knock… Rap knock rap… Knock knock… Rap rap… Rap rap rap… Rap… Knock rap rap……. Knock… Rap rap rap rap… Rap……. Rap rap rap rap… Knock knock knock… Rap knock rap… Rap rap rap… Rap… Rap rap rap……. Rap rap rap rap… Rap… Rap Knock… Knock rap rap… Rap rap rap… Rap Knock knock… Rap… Rap knock rap… Rap……. Knock… Knock knock knock… Rap knock knock… Rap knock… Rap knock rap… Knock rap rap……. Rap… Knock… Rap… Rap knock rap… Knock rap… Rap rap… Knock… Knock rap knock knock–

His corpse had been laid in a casket, which laid on the bed. The people from his life surrounded him. Some of them spoke. The eulogist was Father O’goldstein. He was pleasant. Very pleasant actually. Many calaveras literarias were recited.

Edmond said: “A lot of you don’t know this, but I was not only Caro’s best friend, but I was also his father. I had him when I was very young, 12 years old to be exact. Quite a scandal actually. His mother was my badminton instructor, a woman of 34, who had relations with all her pupils, something for which she remains behind bars to this day, and so regretfully cannot attend these proceedings, but sends her regards.

“In our town the elementary school and the high school were next door to one another, and so when I was a senior in high school and he in first grade, we would walk to and from school together, and we have been best friends ever since. After graduating I took a job on an oil rig to support my son-slash-friend and worked very hard, determined to give him the kind of life I never had. I began pumping oil, climbed the ranks and eventually bought my own oil company, one of the largest in the world, and it was this that funded Caro’s and my matriculation to an Ivy League school, where we were dormmates for four years, upon his graduation. And so we were also college chums.

“I have now lost not only my son but also my best friend, and none of you know how that feels. You think you do, but you can never know another man until you hang dick in his trousers, that’s something I always told my dear son-friend. You just can’t know what someone else is going through, no matter how hard you try.”

When Edmond left the podium and returned to his place beside the mantle, where Caro’s crutches remained, Doctor Stravinsky put a consoling hand on the man’s shoulder and said, solemnly: “Caro is a girl’s name, you know.”

The waitress from the cafe liked Edmond’s speech terribly. Although, she herself would admit she missed a few pieces, distracted as she was thinking about her own inevitable expiration. In fact, everyone at the funeral was distracted thinking about their own deaths. This is what people think of at funerals. Afterwards they all went to the pub and, in order to cheer themselves up, drank many drinks served by the waitress from the cafe (who was also the waitress at the pub) and told stories about Caro—happy, funny stories about how he was always laying in bed, how he was always annoyed by the knocking, how the knocking never ceased, how the knocker never revealed his or her self, how strange it was. Doctor Schwarzenberger looked at Caro one last time, laying in his casket on his bed, raised a stein and said “To ze boy!” They all repeated “To ze boy!” and drank from their respective beverages in honor of the boy. They all got drunk, but not too drunk, and watched as two gravediggers, under the supervision of an undertaker pushed Caro’s casket, with his body in it, off of his bed and into his grave, which was situated between Caro’s marigolds and his hibiscus (both of which had recovered quite nicely) and adorned by a headstone that listed the years he was born and died. There was also a brief epitaph concerning what kind of person he was and what he did. It also had his full name (at the top).

The knocking stopped.