Birth with a Change of Heart

A Personal Story of Birth, and Rebirth

By Kelsey Budge

What are your beliefs about birth? Do you feel strongly about getting an epidural, going unmedicated, or having a cesarean? Or maybe you feel very open and go with the flow? What does a “perfect” birth look like to you? How can you feel a sense of safety throughout your birthing experience?

My birth stories from my own birth, to the births of my two children, are about my change of heart from a place of neglect to a space of surrender and openness. Through my story, I hope you will discover that space for yourself.

I invite you to put your hand over your heart and feel how your body responds as you read my words. Notice what thoughts surface and perhaps write them down. Do they reflect a piece of your truth? Whether you are deep in birth preparation or years postpartum, what is revealed may lead you to your change of heart.

Feelings of Neglect from My Own Birth

The neglect of my heart developed the moment I entered the world. I watched my own birth video during my pregnancy. I saw that after a very long, traumatic induction, my mom didn’t acknowledge me for 30 minutes after I was born.

I felt my heart space tighten as I watched.

I never felt worthy of her love and set out on a lifelong journey trying to connect to her. Over time, I learned that her love was conditional. I took on the belief that my worthiness of receiving love depended on being “good” and self-sufficient.

I took up less space and numbed my body; my shoulders and chest curled around my heart to protect it from further pain. As a result, I never felt quite right.

Until pregnancy lit a fire within me.

Watching the video also brought up a lot of anger. No one I personally knew had an empowering birth story, which reinforced my belief that having an induction or taking pain medication was the root cause of trauma for mother and baby.

I wanted to save myself from my mom’s experience and protect my daughter from mine. I promised myself that she would feel worthy and receive loving acknowledgment the moment she was born. In my mind at that time, the only way to do that was to avoid any form of drugs in order to stay in control.

I followed my “path to success” approach as I prepared myself to go to war with birth.

My time was filled with labor training workouts, podcasts, meditations, prenatal yoga, and a labor pain management class. Basically, I thought that if I trained my mind to fight through the pain, I would succeed in my challenge of an unmedicated birth. As a result, I would have the ability to connect to my daughter from day one.

I swore I would be present and attentive to my daughter’s needs.

She wouldn’t question the worthiness of my love. Behind the intention for instant connection was an all-or-nothing mindset, childhood heartbreak, and fear of abandonment.

I wasn’t coming from a place of pure love. From one heart to another, I see you if this sounds like your story.

My Second Birth and Personal Rebirth

My mom’s passing during my second pregnancy ripped my heart wide open. It was the first time I gave myself permission to dive into my heart and reflect on how I was choosing to live my life. I accepted my part in the severed connection with mom. I also couldn’t deny my unwillingness to take responsibility for my life.

Unexpectedly, my heart became receptive to new beliefs. I was flooded with compassion and forgiveness for myself, releasing the fear and judgment that lived there my whole life. The walls were breaking down and let me tell you, that was scary!

My entire outlook on life shifted and I began to question everything. What I believed about myself no longer seemed true, leaving me to go into birth with a sense of unsettledness and confusion.

What happened during my second birth experience shocked me. Due to my state of confusion and stressful life circumstances during my pregnancy, I had no expectations for this birth.

Nothing to prove. No “right” way. No fighting. No attempt to control. I wanted to fully experience whatever this birth had to offer me by connecting to my baby and staying present.

THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I DID. I FINALLY ALLOWED MYSELF TO JUST BE.

Be in my body, in the present moment, connected to my baby and basking in the energy of birth. No methods or techniques required.

Just before my baby crowned, I saw a flash of white light and heard the word “Open!” repeated continuously in my mind. Yes, I needed to physically open my pelvis to get the kid out, but I knew I was being called to live open-minded and open-hearted.

Through the confusion emerged clarity. This moment before I became a mother for the second time changed my life.

My two births had the same unmedicated outcome, but my second experience invited the new belief that just by being, I am worthy and I am enough. It lit a fire in me to challenge how I was taught to live life and create my own story through a lens of curiosity. Grounded in love.

Growth Happens When You Surrender

My change of heart has led me to this moment, writing this piece. I never trusted myself to be vulnerable, for fear of disapproval and criticism. Yet, here I am, openly sharing the dark secret that took me 28 years to admit to myself.

I am no longer chained by my old beliefs about who I am. All I had to do was listen to the wisdom of birth and surrender to my own rebirth. This reawakening has given me the opportunity to see that everything that happened to me was a gift.

We know that birth takes a woman from one place in her life to another. The birth of a child certainly does change her viewpoint of herself and I believe her viewpoint of the world.

– Sameerah Shareef

I’ll leave you with this parting thought: Every birth is a sacred experience that is meant to grow you and expand you in ways that you cannot consciously understand. By approaching birth with openness and curiosity, you are ready to receive the change of heart that birth has to offer YOU.

Kelsey Budge is a doula, perinatal personal trainer, and owner of The Movement Doula. She believes that pregnancy, birth, and postpartum is a journey that invites spiritual growth. She acknowledges the impact of a woman's story, guides women in embodiment practices, and is honored to witness the creation of a new family.