A Woman’s Work

Heroes and Strangers

The Lives of Dads

By Sharon Knierim

Some of us are fortunate enough to have grown up with fathers who were seriously committed to parenting. These men who we treasured as the leaders of our families typically sought to be paragons of virtue, hard workers, and dispensers of all kinds of wisdom, guiding us toward our own adulthood.

Many modern dads jump right into the role of fatherhood by changing diapers, providing bottles, and crawling out of bed for that much-dreaded 2 a.m. feeding. Not so long ago, this was unheard of. Today, the bonding between father and child seems to begin earlier than it did in the past. Expectant fathers are very often involved in the prenatal aspects of pregnancy and in childbirth…which used to be a singular journey for a mother-to-be and her unborn child. Today, however, we see soon-to-be papas at birthing classes and assisting in the labor and delivery of their own children.

Many of today’s dads are as familiar with their children’s inoculations and school grades as their counterparts and are often involved in daily activities with their offspring. No longer are children strangers to their father, wandering in and out of his life like actors in a stage play.

Growing up, we learn all the good things about our dads. We learn to understand and appreciate their strengths. We focus on their good qualities. Whether they project a John Wayne–like persona or a likeness to Atticus Finch, we love our dads. A father is often the rock that holds an entire family together. Beyond providing a major income for the family, his very presence is reassuring for every member of the brood.

Typically, after being under our dad’s wing for at least 18 years, we come to value and welcome his talents and very presence. In essence, as we grow and mature, Dad becomes our hero. He is the one who can solve problems. He is the one we come to for advice and counseling. We often seek his approval, above and beyond the approval of all others. This feeling is not to be confused with adoration or adulation…it’s a form of respect that grows, over the years, into something almost tangible.

Somewhere along the route to our own adulthood, we begin to pick up little hints that Dad may have been someone else in his earlier life. It usually begins with a slip of the tongue by a friend or relative who shared Dad’s youth. We learn about activities that we cannot fathom our own fathers taking part in. Does Dad have a split personality? Did he really dance on tables or pull pranks that we would never dare to try? Can it be possible that Dad was once involved with a woman other than Mother? Well, hang on to your hats, girls. Dad probably doesn’t have a split personality, but he did have a life before his chicks were born.

Everybody deserves his or her own youth. When we are young, we experiment and learn from our own mistakes. Youth is the time to be free of encumbrances and many responsibilities. When we are young, many of us are focused on ourselves and our friends. We are strangers to who we later become. Some people call this “getting it out of our systems.” Just as we ourselves had more fun than should be legal, so it was with our fathers.

It can be a shock to discover that dear old Dad wasn’t always the guy who took us camping or made sure we had our allowance. Before taking on his role as head man of the family, Dad had to grow up, and part of growing up is branching out. So, can a dad be a hero and a stranger at the same time? The answer is a resounding: YES, HE CAN. After all, who would want a dad who had been nothing but utterly responsible all his life?

All people are multifaceted and live lives that include all kinds of experiences. These experiences make us who we are today. These experiences allow us to make decisions and to understand what our lives are all about.

So, if you see your father gazing off into the distance with a wistful or melancholy look on his face, allow him that time. After all, he might be remembering a young man who used to be so familiar and now seems like a stranger. When he comes back to the present, take the time to let him know how much you appreciate him. After all, even heroes need a pat on the back from time to time.