A Woman’s Work

What Mothers Want

The Secret Longings of Motherhood

By Sharon Knierim

There are about as many methods of mothering in this world as there are mothers. Each one of us has her own style. Many of us have learned mothering from our own mothers or other female relatives. Some of us have mimicked mothers of close friends who had a profound effect on us as we were growing into adulthood. Other mothers do a complete about-face in child rearing and act entirely opposite of what they were exposed to early in life. There are a number of us who were given a head start at mothering as we became caretakers for our younger siblings. We bring some bona fide skills into being mothers!

No matter how we approach the raising of our children, we all want the same basic “good things” for our offspring. Who doesn’t want their children to be healthy? What mother doesn’t wish for the most attractive kids in the neighborhood? And, of course, we all wish for children with wonderfully high IQs, coupled with musical ability and the skills required for moving forth in their young lives.

Do you recall what you wanted for your children when they were growing? This mother wanted her children to be compassionate. Of course, that was decades ago, when they were still in rompers. It is difficult (if not impossible) to teach kindness and empathy to someone who still drinks from a bottle and crawls around on their hands and knees. Still, there were lessons to teach and to be learned using teddy bears and dolls. Was it worth the effort? Well, the jury is still out on that one, but I think there is compassion in the generation we produced.

One mother once told me that her wish for her three children was that they would be the very best at everything they tried— they should never settle for second best. Now, that is a lot of pressure. Are those three kids the best at everything they do? I’ m not sure. You would have to ask their mother.

My mother’s wish for her daughters was the same as everyone else’s. That is to say, she wanted us to be smart, and pretty, and popular. She would encourage us in any way possible and did her best for us as we grew up on the farm. Unbeknownst to her daughters, there were plenty of pressures for our mother. There was, of course, the battle of the budget. Raising five children during the 1950s and 1960s took lots of work and planning…but raising five children, none of whom could share wardrobes or enjoy the fun of hand-me-downs from the closet, had to sometimes seem hopeless.

All mothers want their children to “fit in” with their peers. Wouldn’t it be grand if all kiddos automatically and naturally fit into the profiles we set up for them? Well, we know that never happens. Anyway, who would really want that? It’s best and natural that each child finds his own way in life. Forcing a child to be a certain way is much like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It can leave people feeling beat-down and unhappy, and it just doesn’t work.

Over the decades, mothers and their children travel through lots of different phases. Personally, I loved the baby stage of childhood, when the little ones thought their mother was the most wonderful person on earth. Oh, but don’t forget the third birthday, when that baby slips out of toddlerhood and becomes a delightful little companion sans diapers and bottles. The school years always bring back good memories, but it’s also the time when we notice our children listening to other voices (not just their mother!) and marching to different drummers. Of course, they have to do this because these things are rites of passage into adulthood. Adulthood—that’s the magic word. Now that the children are grown and have settled into listening to their mothers again (oh, joy), they are absolutely wonderful human beings.

Of course, they were absolutely wonderful human beings all along. Maybe it’s the leveling of being adults together that brings forth a wonderful and peaceful harmony. With peace and harmony, we are given the opportunity to reflect on all the wonderful talents and characteristics they each possess.

If you are a mother, please have a wonderful Mother’s Day. If you are fortunate enough to still have your mother near you, take time to celebrate her and reflect on what a genius she is. And remember, like Mother always told you, say “thank you.”