CITY VOICES
FIRST PERSON
‘Tonight, We Dine in Hades’ POPE MARKUS
join Walter Disney and others in coming back to life once the living figure ore than 1 million “ decedents had gotten out how to reanimate frozen bodies. Read the a check by the end fine print on the monof April, worth a coleyback guarantee for lective $1.4 billion, according to the Government Accountability Office.” those who make it back to the world of light. N.B. — CNBC Deadzone Square has With $1.4 billion dollars of stimulus money With $1.4 billion dollars of stimfound that 22% of the finding its way into the once greedy hands ulus money finding its way into the stimulus funds are spent once greedy hands of the once living, of the once living, Deadzone Square has in attempts to come Deadzone Square has conducted a conducted a survey of how the dead are back to life. survey of how the dead are spending spending these days. The results might not Bone Orchard these days. The results might not surprise you. Financial: Who knew surprise you. you could beat past JERONÝM PELIKOVSKÝ If you needed any further proof taxes once you’ve gone heaven where the choir is so perfectly everyone loves pizza, here it is: Many tuned spectators break out into sponof the previously alive forgo the elysian over the River Styx? Bone Orchard Financial includes an august list of taneous orgasm. As the economists offerings such as Adam, Eve and once living fraudsters, many alumni among our readers will note, our figOlives. Even where viruses are moot of the Bezeelbub Hedge Fund who ures add up to well above 100%. This points, 43.7% of the stimulus funds have been spent on take out. Afterlife were punished in real life but who are is attributable to the fact that many still dedicated to helping your heirs among the dead are overspending travel companies such as The Best beat the taxes on the paltry sums you their stimulus in anticipation of the Restaurants in Hell (Google it) are left behind. (In one surprise finding, FED sending more stimulus, as well as seeing an influx of clicks. Deadzone Square discovered that more clowns. Damned-a-zone: This service Bernie Madoff has become the first features the self-driving ride-hailing Pope Markus is a local musician service Charon and includes a full line board member to be named principle prior to perishing.) who has time to wonder how the dead of post-lifestyle products and accesNDE Resort and Spa: For the spend their money. sories. Trending is the full transfusion folks in the afterlife who thought Near lifeblood treatment, which promises Death Experiences meant they were to re-instill the lifeforce to any dead heaven bound, NDE Resort and Spa person with a moneyback guarantee has counselors and treatments for and comes with a re-entry fashion the eternally disappointed. 17% of kit complete with one size fits all stimulus funds have flowed into the underwear. (Self driving vehicles are post-death-stress syndrome field. A da bomb in Hades because everyone number commensurate with the 17% is dead already.) Icetime: Icetime is a cytogenetics peak-death adventures tour outfitters. company offering services to refreeze Here, you can experience the hottest areas of hell, as well as the sections of your burning flesh in an attempt to
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WORCESTERMAGAZINE.COM
F E B R U A RY 4 - 10, 2021
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HARVEY
D.C. or bust JANICE HARVEY
claimed more than 440,000 lives. Neither one of us has yet to be vaccinated. As a teacher he will ill we ever get soon be inoculated, fingers there? I wonder. crossed. As a not-quite-oldOnce upon a enough-yet-but-retired teacher, time — or a year ago — my friend Rick and I were I fall between the cracks. The virus is certainly a major obplanning a trip to Washington, stacle to travel, but the real wet D.C. Despite my addiction to all things political, I’ve never visited blanket for me is something else the nation’s capital. Our itinerary altogether: I don’t want to visit a walled-in fortress. was in Rick’s hands for two reaThanks to the gullible goon sons: his ability to plan is second squad that attacked the Capitol to none, and he’s “been there, on January 6, D.C. more closely done that” twice. My intention was to wander two steps behind resembles a scene from “The Shawshank Redemption” than him like I always do when we visit museums. We were booked a clip from “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington.” Trump got his wall into a two-bedroom condo, and all right, but I think it was built our train tickets were paid for. slightly northeast of its intended Yes, train tickets — what better location. Everything the Capitol way to journey to D.C.? represents has been shattered It seemed so … American. by the fencing placed to protect Then came corona. We were our elected officials from dogs reimbursed for everything, who caught the car they were thankfully, but my disappointchasing. ment was impossible to quell. The Capitol tour we’d booked “Next year,” Rick said. “We’ll with Congressman Jim McGovgo next year.” ern’s office was planned when Next year arrived, and the C O N T I N U E D O N PA G E 9 COVID-19 virus has since
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