8 minute read
City Voices
FIRST PERSON HARVEY
‘Tonight, We Dine in Hades’ D.C. or bust
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POPE MARKUS
join Walter Disney and others in coming back to More than 1 million decedents had gotten a check by the end of April, worth a collective $1.4 billion, according to the Government Accountability Office.” — CNBC With $1.4 billion dollars of stimulus money finding its way into the once greedy hands of the once living, Deadzone Square has conducted a survey of how the dead are spending these days. The results might not surprise you. If you needed any further proof everyone loves pizza, here it is: Many of the previously alive forgo the elysian offerings such as Adam, Eve and Olives. Even where viruses are moot points, 43.7% of the stimulus funds have been spent on take out. Afterlife travel companies such as The Best Restaurants in Hell (Google it) are seeing an influx of clicks. Damned-a-zone: This service features the self-driving ride-hailing service Charon and includes a full line of post-lifestyle products and accessories. Trending is the full transfusion lifeblood treatment, which promises to re-instill the lifeforce to any dead person with a moneyback guarantee and comes with a re-entry fashion kit complete with one size fits all underwear. (Self driving vehicles are da bomb in Hades because everyone is dead already.) Icetime: Icetime is a cytogenetics company offering services to refreeze your burning flesh in an attempt to “ life once the living figure out how to reanimate frozen bodies. Read the fine print on the moneyback guarantee for those who make it back to the world of light. N.B. Deadzone Square has found that 22% of the stimulus funds are spent in attempts to come back to life. Bone Orchard Financial: Who knew you could beat past taxes once you’ve gone over the River Styx? Bone Orchard Financial includes an august list of once living fraudsters, many alumni of the Bezeelbub Hedge Fund who were punished in real life but who are still dedicated to helping your heirs beat the taxes on the paltry sums you left behind. (In one surprise finding, Deadzone Square discovered that Bernie Madoff has become the first board member to be named principle prior to perishing.) NDE Resort and Spa: For the folks in the afterlife who thought Near Death Experiences meant they were heaven bound, NDE Resort and Spa has counselors and treatments for the eternally disappointed. 17% of stimulus funds have flowed into the post-death-stress syndrome field. A number commensurate with the 17% peak-death adventures tour outfitters. Here, you can experience the hottest areas of hell, as well as the sections of heaven where the choir is so perfectly tuned spectators break out into spontaneous orgasm. As the economists among our readers will note, our figures add up to well above 100%. This is attributable to the fact that many among the dead are overspending their stimulus in anticipation of the FED sending more stimulus, as well as more clowns.
Pope Markus is a local musician who has time to wonder how the dead spend their money.
JANICE HARVEY
Will we ever get there? I wonder.
Once upon a time — or a year ago — my friend Rick and I were planning a trip to Washington, D.C. Despite my addiction to all things political, I’ve never visited the nation’s capital. Our itinerary was in Rick’s hands for two reasons: his ability to plan is second to none, and he’s “been there, done that” twice. My intention was to wander two steps behind him like I always do when we visit museums. We were booked into a two-bedroom condo, and our train tickets were paid for. Yes, train tickets — what better way to journey to D.C.?
It seemed so … American. Then came corona. We were reimbursed for everything, thankfully, but my disappointment was impossible to quell.
“Next year,” Rick said. “We’ll go next year.”
Next year arrived, and the COVID-19 virus has since claimed more than 440,000 lives. Neither one of us has yet to be vaccinated. As a teacher he will soon be inoculated, fingers crossed. As a not-quite-oldenough-yet-but-retired teacher, I fall between the cracks. The virus is certainly a major obstacle to travel, but the real wet blanket for me is something else altogether: I don’t want to visit a walled-in fortress.
Thanks to the gullible goon squad that attacked the Capitol on January 6, D.C. more closely resembles a scene from “The Shawshank Redemption” than a clip from “Mr. Smith Goes To Washington.” Trump got his wall all right, but I think it was built slightly northeast of its intended location. Everything the Capitol represents has been shattered by the fencing placed to protect our elected officials from dogs who caught the car they were chasing.
The Capitol tour we’d booked with Congressman Jim McGovern’s office was planned when
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Understand the rollout phases before calling foul
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HARVEY
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the building was a welcoming symbol of the people’s government. Will such tours even exist next year? I’ve read about the easy access to the Capitol grounds Washington residents once enjoyed. I’ve pictured kids sledding there, seen people on blankets enjoying concerts. I remember thinking how special it must be to live within walking distance of history in the making. How sad for those denizens of D.C., that their neighborhood should resemble a war zone. When we first discussed rescheduling our trip, the only obstacle we had to overcome was a mysterious virus with no known cure. There’s no pill or shot for the baffling illness infecting the insurrectionists. The irony of a mob of marauding suckers chanting “Freedom!” being the reason for installing barbed wire-topped fences seems lost on them.
I have a 50-year-old snapshot of my father, standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial. In it, he’s wearing a Columbo-style raincoat and holding an ever-present White Owl cigar. His smile is wide, as this WWII vet poses in front of the statue of his second-favorite president — after FDR, of course. Planning and canceling and dreaming of our trip, I’ve looked at that photo, wondering If I will wear that same smile or if I will have the look of a worrywart, fearful that I’m in an unsafe place. Will I ever glimpse the fabled cherry blossoms? Will I someday wander the Smithsonian, mesmerized by historical memorabilia, lost until Rick finds me glued to a display of WWI cigarette ads? When will I have the opportunity to bow my head in reverence at the Holocaust Memorial Museum? I’d give my little brother’s eye teeth to visit a fumigated de-Trumped White House.
I’ll get there yet, I’ve decided. If I stay away, the goons win.
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Setting the record straight: When the Health and Human Services Commissioner puts out a statement clarifying that there were no violations of the Commonwealth guidelines for vaccinations, one has to wonder what prompted it. On the same day, within minutes, a Facebook Live video by an outraged Sarai Rivera was posted, decrying the rumor that she and fellow City Councilor At-large Khrystian King received their shots out of turn, jumping ahead of their elderly constituents. This rumor also targeted Dr. Matilde Castiel, suggesting she gave Rivera and King preferential treatment. While it has been disproved, the fact this allegation was made at all is disturbing. Misinformation targeting those who receive vaccinations is rife, especially those who may happen to fall into a later category on the basis of age but receive it as part of an earlier priority group due to occupation. For instance, relatively younger individuals who would not be eligible until a later phase but qualify for Phase 1 as frontline workers. This, as well as racial animus, appears to have been the basis of the misconception of how Rivera and King, both POC, received their vaccinations. As social workers, they both qualify for the shots. Rivera, who has not been in the field since August due to health issues, is going back into service as bilingual social workers are much needed at this time. Rivera said that her primary reason for coming forward was on behalf of Dr. Castiel. In a post sharing the statement, Rivera explicitly stated that Dr. Castiel’s ethnicity as a Cuban woman was the reason that some were so ready to question her professional integrity. Rivera went on to say, “Shame on you for not having enough respect for our city staff to think that they would do something like this.” The damaging insinuation is lamentable. It serves to underscore how much is at stake around the vaccinations — they are limited in quantity, appointments are hard to find, and tensions are running high. But let’s not use this situation to settle scores in the court of public opinion.
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