Excerpt from the manuscript. Not final copy.
February 1998
What a difference a month can make! My new world is now fairly well defined. And although it is a far cry from paradise, it is equally distant from the black hole of Kolkata. For my first month, I forced myself to think of my confinement not as prison but as a thirty-day retreat. I prayed, read Scripture, meditated, and cried a lot. Our loving God answered my prayers, not with relief from the courts or an early release but with many small, unexpected gifts and, best of all, a sense of calmness and peace that defies understanding.
Occasionally that peace is interrupted when I get involved in legal wrangling on my case. My isolation and powerlessness are sources of great frustration. However, as soon as I relax and surrender to my fate, the peace returns.
I am going to try having a “mindset of the month.” This month FPC (Federal Prison Camp) Pensacola will become an expensive California “fat farm.” I will focus on health, diet, exercise, wellness, and prayer. In fact, my life here is much like the Pritikin Center in California, except that I have more
freedom than a Pritikin patient, the food is better, and it doesn’t cost $5,000 per week.
Most of the time, with interruptions now diminishing, I feel spirit-filled and uplifted. Fr. Joe has involved me more in chapel events. Our prayer group is growing slowly, and the men’s choir is coming back to life. Often men approach me to wish me well, to express regret about the circumstances that brought me here, and to discuss the inner secrets of their hope or their despair.
The Insight Program
A handsome, all-American-looking guy told me, with tears in his eyes, that he had spent nine years in prison. He attended the chapel-sponsored “Insights” encounter last weekend, saying that for the first time in nine years, he was “free.” Here he choked up and made me promise I would go to the next session, in March. I’m signed up.
The program is controversial among the inmates. As men bare their hearts and souls to each other, many cry publicly for the first time. They are then ridiculed by the macho men, who call the program “Hug-a-Thug.” Yet
most if not all who attend come away changed for the better, much like Cursillo participants. It’s a hopeful program.
My meditation a few days ago focused on the following E. Paul Harvey quote:
Sin has four characteristics:
self-sufficiency instead of faith
self-will instead of submission
self-seeking instead of benevolence
self-righteousness instead of humility.
All you who know me recognize that I have always felt self-sufficiency was a great virtue, that a strong will was essential for success, that self-seeking was okay as long as the rules of combative fair play were followed, and that self-righteousness was befitting of a high priest (me) in search of justice (courtroom victory). Now fate has forced me to my knees in faith and submission. I seek benevolence and have no choice but humility. This could all be an unexpected blessing. Time will tell.
Inmates make bets on how many letters I will receive in a day. Sixteen is the current record. One grumpy guard cursed at the volume of my mail and said out loud, “He must have lots of money these people want.” I replied, “I’m a well-known rap star from Baton Rouge.” He’s not quite sure what the deal is, but he doesn’t hassle me anymore.
In my first almost six weeks here, I received 132 letters. Each is precious to me, and I have answered about 120 of them. Previously I felt that personal correspondence was a chore; now I look forward to an hour or two of writing each day, with more on the weekends.
Fr. Frank wrote me a wonderful inspirational letter that referred to 2 Corinthians 12:1-12. This is the same passage shared by another friend a few weeks before my trial and read at Mass the day the jury decided my fate. It seems to be the story of my life.
All will wash out in the end. For St. Paul, the suffering appeared to last four years. And God told him, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Paul survived
and lived an extraordinary life after prison, achieving true power through total surrender and total trust in God.