1 minute read
spades Carpe Diem
[Carpe Diem]
spades
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On the days I feel like wasting hours upon hours sitting in bed, feeling nostalgic for a time when I actually felt like doing things, someone comes along and shoves carpe diem down my throat. When I stay sitting in bed wasting time, they always spout something about tomorrow being a fresh canvas or a new coat of paint or whatever people say nowadays.
Tomorrow never feels as real as today. It’s just today in a different color scheme, which was the same as yesterday but another color. Tomorrow feels like mixing colors from today and yesterday on a white, dusty canvas.
I understand the appeal, you make tomorrow’s color pretty and different from the rest because eventually you’ll run out of space on your canvas. I understand the appeal of carpe diem, taking a risk and mixing a bunch of colors together because you might have a chance of creating something beautiful and unique and worth all the gross colors from before.
But I can’t mix colors when my paints drying out and my brushes are all crusty and I ran out of red because I carpe’ed the f***ing diem yesterday and now today I’m stuck feverishly trying to mix a color I can never get back.
Sometimes it feels like I’m running out of space on my canvas faster and faster everyday, sometimes it feels like I’ve done nothing at all, sometimes it feels like there’s gaps between every color where I feel distant from yesterday and tomorrow. Sometimes the colors mix and I can’t tell tomorrow
from yesterday and last week feels the same as this week and next week feels like yesterday and all the colors are muddled and ugly as I look around at the other canvases. At people mixing bright greens and deep purples and beautiful arrangements with colors packed in tightly forming a beautiful and rewarding piece at the end. And the others with a nearly blank canvas excitedly placing color after color unable to wait a second between each bright orange and vibrant blue.
Tomorrow isn’t a fresh bottle of paint because someone shoved carpe diem down my throat and I choked.
