Jaila great expectations

[great expectations]

I feel like a big girl in this body, The long awaited iteration of myself that has been sought after since preschool.

The girl I have always imagined, Did not come to live magically when I turned fifteen, And I do not see her in the mirror now at sixteen. I can never live up to my own expectations from all those years ago.

Growing up feels like cutting it all away, Pretending I never longed for more. Every step towards eighteen tastes like the amoxicillin that closed my airway And crab legs with butter that make my stomach turn, Delicious and deadly, Closing my airway, I feel like I’m suffocating in my own delusions. I thought I’d be excited to age, I thought I’d be taller and thinner and wear hot pink and go to house parties. I thought I’d be able to feel myself get older and happier, But I still see myself as the little girl who dreamed of what high school would be like, And how it would be to feel freedom blowing against my face for the first time.

I believe I am still excited to grow up. I’ll be a beautiful woman at 30. I’ll be happy and healthy at 40, And at 50 and 60 I’ll let the gray weeds in my hair take over my scalp and embrace every wrinkle with grace.

Maybe I am lying to myself again, I might get there and want Botox and hair dye, And fret over how much moisturizer I used in my 20s. All I know is I’m not ready to move on yet. My teenage dreams lay unfulfilled Between used face masks and pages of the letters I’ve never sent, Collecting dust in a file cabinet labeled ‘what could’ve been.’

Jaila