Why Your Loved One Stays In a Toxic Relationship and How You Can Help

from The Immigrant’s Journal - Vol. 146

BY MARY CAMPBELL

Your friend or family member is struggling with an abusive relationship. Things have been so bad on several occasions that you have been convinced they would leave their partner. But this does not happen. What's the problem? An abusive, toxic relationship is one in which one party controls or subdues the other. They do this through manipulation, humiliation, physical violence or its threat, guilt, and shame, among other mechanisms. The abuse can be emotional or physical. Looking from the outside, you may wonder why your loved one does not leave the relationship. To an outsider, leaving a toxic relationship should be easy. Not quite. Every situation is different, and no approach suits all relationships. But one thing is clear - leaving a toxic relationship is not easy. Below are reasons that may hold back a victim.

Practical considerations:

Does the person have a place to live? What if there are children? Will the abused take the children or leave them with the abuser? Financial considerations may also make it difficult to leave. If the abused is not financially independent, they may not be able to pay for accommodation. Is the person dependent on their abuser for immigration benefits (Green Card)?

Psychological reasons:

According to experts, psychological abuse does not happen overnight. It starts with an innocent-sounding criticism, a harmless (you think) insult here, an off-hand comment there. Over time, the insults become habitual. However, the disparaging comments are peppered with episodes of affection, making the abused believe the loving side is the abuser's real self. As a result, your friend stays in the relationship because they are trying to win back the abuser's affection. And the abuser most likely blames the abused for the situation. "If you were not so annoying, things would be okay between us," the abuser says. "If only I did not make him angry, then he wouldn't hit me," the abused thinks to herself.

Other reasons:

Threats The abuser may threaten to harm the abused, children, friends, and other family members of the abused if the victim leaves. Isolation Abusers mostly isolate their victims from family and friends, making the abused feel lonely and unsure of the love of others. The abused may opt to stay with the abuser rather than risk being alone.

So, what can you do to support your loved one?

• Give a listening ear Offer a sounding board to your loved one. Listen without judging and without apportioning blame. Your loved one has to decide to leave the toxic relationship—no one else. Encourage the abused to seek professional help but let them know you are there for them. • Share your story If you have been and successfully left an abusive relationship, share your experi-

continued on page 21

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Toxic Relationship

continued from page 20 ence with your friend. Make it clear that you're not judging them but are ready to stand by them when they are prepared to leave the abuser • Reaffirm your friend Let your friend know that you believe in them. In as many ways as you can, let them know that they are strong and can survive on their own. To a person on the outside, ending a toxic relationship may look as easy as walking out. However, it's really complicated for the person on the inside. It takes meticulous planning. The person leaving a toxic relationship needs a safety net. She needs a plan. This is where you come in - to give substance to these plans. Encourage your loved one to seek professional help. • Don't give ultimatums Don't give your friend an ultimatum. Don't tell them, "You must leave by next month." Just be there for them and let them know that you will help them when they are ready to leave. • Don't shame Don't shame your friend in front of their abusive partner. Remember, you can't force your relative to leave the abusive relationship. You can only offer support when they are ready to go. • Take care of your emotional health Even as you care for your friend, don't neglect your emotional health. Care for yourself, as you can only care for others when you look after yourself. Set yourself boundaries as you offer emotional support to protect yourself. • Stay safe Both you and your loved one should stay safe. If the abuser is violent, make sure you don't endanger your loved one or your life. If your loved one feels unsafe in the house with the abuser, help them move to a safe place. Please encourage them to seek legal advice and counseling services.

Bottom line

You can't make your loved one leave a toxic relationship. However, you can love and support them. Be firm with them when they are indecisive and be there when they finally decide to walk away from the destructive relationship.l

Don't Break the Bank During Wedding Season in the 'New Normal'

Weddings are back with a vengeance and with that comes spending time and money for gifts, travel, and maybe even being a part of the wedding party. A recent Zelle® consumer behavior report says that 52% of people are likely to attend a large gathering in 2021/2022. Yes, weddings will be a lot for the bride and groom, but what about the wedding crew and guests who are filling up their schedules with celebrations? How do you make sure to respect the happy couple and your wallet? Here is a checklist of what to do and how to not get too caught up in celebrating that you put yourself into debt for the newly invigorated wedding season.

1) Prioritize your event schedule:

Many postponed weddings are now back on, which means that your social calendar is way busier than it used to be - no more virtual bachelorette parties in your pajamas. However, please don't feel pressured to do it all. Pace yourself and prioritize which weddings and social events you can attend based on your comfort level and funds.

2) Create a wedding spending budg-

et: If you are part of a string of bachelorette duties and events, that can take a toll on your wallet. Estimate how much you will be spending for that wedding and if it doesn't meet your budget, have a conversation about what you can be comfortable with and work together with your crew.

3) Give the newlyweds the gift of

money: Through a pandemic and all the difficulties people have faced in the last year, physical gifts and registries have become less of a focus for brides and grooms

4) Remember to celebrate: It's been a challenging year, and the great news is that people are starting to gather together again to commemorate new beginnings safely. Try to take a deep breath, go through your checklist and enjoy this moment!l(BPT)

Fear of Another 9/11 Continues to Drive US Immigration Policy 20 Years Later

BY WALTER EWING

The September 11th terrorist attacks not only led to the tragic deaths of 2,977 people, they fundamentally changed the nature of immigration law and policy in the United States. Since 9/11, the U.S. government has viewed every non-U.S. citizen seeking to enter the country as a potential threat. Foreign tourists and students, temporary workers, permanent immigrants, refugees, asylum seekers, and undocumented immigrants are all now evaluated first and foremost through the lens of national security. The goal of preventing foreign terrorists from ever again mounting an attack within the United States is certainly understandable. But politicians have used the fear of another terrorist attack to justify harsh immigration policies that stereotype and dehumanize any non-citizen who wants to visit, work, or live in the United States. This often comes at great cost to civil liberties and with little value to counterintelligence. And while the anti-immigrant policies of the Trump administration were particularly egregious in this regard, no presidential administration of the past 20 years has managed to move beyond the fear-driven policies of the post-9/11 era. The single-minded focus on security after 9/11 was exemplified best by the decision in 2002 to dissolve the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) and assign its functions to the newly created Department of Homeland Security (DHS). The primary mission of DHS was to prevent another terrorist attack on U.S. soil. DHS not only took over the immigration enforcement duties of the former INS, but also became responsible for providing immigration benefits, such as the granting of U.S. citizenship, lawful permanent residence, and work authorization. For decades before it was absorbed by DHS, the branch of the INS that had granted immigration benefits viewed its work through a different lens. Part of its mission was to provide decent customer service to people who were applying (and paying for) benefits. But that mindset changed completely once DHS took over the job. Under DHS, the primary goal was to prevent potentially dangerous individuals from obtaining benefits rather than ensuring that qualified individuals obtained benefits in a timely fashion. The security-first mentality of the U.S. government after 9/11 also became apparent in the harsher treatment of refugees and asylum seekers. Some asylum seekers saw their claims denied because they had been forced to flee their home countries using fraudulent documents—even though they obviously could not obtain valid documents from the governments that were persecuting them. Even victims of terror groups were denied access to asylum or refugee status because they had been forced at gunpoint to provide material assistance to their captors. At a broader level, 9/11 caused many policy makers and much of the public to lose sight of the fact that immigration is a complex economic, political, social, and historical issue. Under the prevailing post-9/11 mindset, creating immigration policy has become little more than devising new ways to keep potentially “bad” immigrants out of the country. But managing migration is a much more complex task, which requires recognizing the benefits of immigration. The United States was once close to creating a better-managed immigration system. In the weeks before 9/11, the administration of a Republican president—George W. Bush—came very close to negotiating a migration accord with Mexico that would have included the creation of a pathway to legal status for undocumented immigrants who have lived and worked in the United States for many years. This effort was based on a commonsense recognition of the long-standing historical ties between the two nations, as well as the degree to which undocumented immigrants (particularly from Mexico) had become integrated into the social and economic fabric of the United States. Unfortunately, 9/11 obliterated the possibility of such an accord. The post-9/11 obsession with security continues to hold back the formulation of any new plan to comprehensively manage migration. Instead, policymakers have spent 20 years throwing more money, resources, and personnel into immigration enforcement along the border and in the interior of the country. The rationale behind this never-ending series of enforcement-only measures is that we can’t risk creating a new and better immigration system until we’ve become truly “safe” by keeping out or kicking out a sufficient number of “bad” immigrants. However, there is no magic number of deportations or expulsions at the border that will guarantee us absolute safety from foreign terrorists—not to mention home-grown extremism. Fear will not save us from another terrorist attack. But fear will prevent us from creating an immigration system that is more reasonable and humane than the dysfunctional system to which policymakers have been clinging for two decades.l

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