LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS
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Why Your Loved One Stays In a Toxic Relationship and How You Can Help Other reasons: Threats The abuser may threaten to harm the abused, children, friends, and other family members of the abused if the victim leaves. Isolation Abusers mostly isolate their victims from family and friends, making the abused feel lonely and unsure of the love of others. The abused may opt to stay with the abuser rather than risk being alone.
BY MARY CAMPBELL
Y
our friend or family member is struggling with an abusive relationship. Things have been so bad on several occasions that you have been convinced they would leave their partner. But this does not happen. What's the problem? An abusive, toxic relationship is one in which one party controls or subdues the other. They do this through manipulation, humiliation, physical violence or its threat, guilt, and shame, among other mechanisms. The abuse can be emotional or physical. Looking from the outside, you may wonder why your loved one does not leave the relationship. To an outsider, leaving a toxic relationship should be easy. Not quite. Every situation is different, and no approach suits all relationships. But one thing is clear - leaving a toxic relationship is not easy. Below are reasons that may hold back a victim. Practical considerations: Does the person have a place to live? What if there are children? Will the
abused take the children or leave them with the abuser? Financial considerations may also make it difficult to leave. If the abused is not financially independent, they may not be able to pay for accommodation. Is the person dependent on their abuser for immigration benefits (Green Card)? Psychological reasons: According to experts, psychological abuse does not happen overnight. It starts with an innocent-sounding criticism, a harmless (you think) insult here, an off-hand comment there. Over time,
the insults become habitual. However, the disparaging comments are peppered with episodes of affection, making the abused believe the loving side is the abuser's real self. As a result, your friend stays in the relationship because they are trying to win back the abuser's affection. And the abuser most likely blames the abused for the situation. "If you were not so annoying, things would be okay between us," the abuser says. "If only I did not make him angry, then he wouldn't hit me," the abused thinks to herself.
So, what can you do to support your loved one? • Give a listening ear Offer a sounding board to your loved one. Listen without judging and without apportioning blame. Your loved one has to decide to leave the toxic relationship—no one else. Encourage the abused to seek professional help but let them know you are there for them. • Share your story If you have been and successfully left an abusive relationship, share your expericontinued on page 21
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