Stop Chasing Your Romantic Partners

BY MARY CAMPBELL

Do you ever wonder why none of the romantic interests that you have sincerely cared for seemed to match your enthusiasm? Have you ever noticed that when you are not that interested in someone romantically, they always seem to be super keen on you? Have you ever wondered why this happens? If you struggle to keep your romantic partners interested, you might be acting too keen. Here is how you stop doing that:

Put The Shoe on the Other Foot How can you tell if you are chasing your partner and giving them too much of your attention? To determine whether you are being too intense, imagine being your partner. If someone behaved as you behave, would it put you off them? If what you are doing to your partner could potentially repel you, then odds are that you need to back off a bit.

Stop Constantly Calling and Texting How do you feel when someone you have been dating calls and texts you several times a day? Is it sexy, or does it quickly become nauseating? Receiving a call or text or two each day from a love interest is pleasing. Receiving so many calls or texts from someone that you cannot get on with your daily business is not. There is no fixed rule concerning how many calls or texts are too many. However, you should probably try not to text or call someone more than you would like to be texted or called. Furthermore, you need not always be the first to text or make a call. Nor should you keep texting or calling if the other person ignores your attempts at communicating with them.

Let Them Ask to See You Are you constantly the one who calls to arrange a date? Do you always have to commute to your partner's place when you want to relax and spend time together? Do they avoid coming to your home? If someone wants to spend time with you, they will tell you. They will sometimes arrange to meet up for dates and ask to come to your place. If you are always the one asking where dates are concerned, stop. See if your partner is willing to try to arrange to see you. If your partner does not want to see you, you know where you stand. In relationships, the endeavor should not all be one-sided. There should be compromise and effort from both parties involved. Do Not Ask If They Love You When someone loves you, they will want you to know it and find a way of making it clear. They will say they love you and show it through their actions, too. If someone loves you, you won't need to ask them about it because you will already know. If your partner does not show you much affection or declare their feelings for you, the odds are that they do not love you. Chasing your partner or trying to impress them will not change that fact. The sad reality is that you cannot make someone love you, regardless of how much you wish they did.

Reciprocate Their Efforts Ideally, both partners should love and care for each other equally. Each person in a relationship needs to make an effort for the other person. If someone treats you with indifference and does nothing for you, it is a mistake to make considerable efforts on their behalf. Romantic relationships are about giving and taking. Be wary of anyone who takes from you far more than they ever give to you.

Do Not Be Unpleasant You should avoid running after anyone who is not matching your efforts in a continued on page 20

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Stop Chasing/ continued from page 19 relationship. However, that does not mean that you need to be unpleasant or start treating your romantic partner like dirt. It simply means refusing to prioritize anybody who isn't prioritizing you and realizing when things are more casual than serious. It is about respecting yourself, not being bitter or punishing your partner.

You Are Not Playing Games Expecting your partner to reciprocate your feelings and romantic endeavors instead of allowing them to take you for granted is not playing games. Holding back a little when you feel your partner is not reciprocating your efforts or feelings is justified and morally correct. While you cannot force someone to love you, you can behave in ways that encourage them to respect you. People are more likely to appreciate you as a strong person when you show love, regard, and care for yourself in such situations.

Believe Them Does your partner treat you casually? Do they avoid telling you they love you? Do they fail to make time for you? Are you always the one to text or call? Are you doing all of the giving and making the sacrifices for the relationship? When someone shows you signs of disinterest, believe their words and actions, and consider moving on. Not Easy Implementing the suggestions outlined in this article may be extremely difficult and almost counter-intuitive. When someone's actions make you feel uncertain about their feelings for you, the urge to reach out to them and ask them to declare their love in some way can be immense. Nobody likes enduring the agony of relationship doubts and insecurities. Nobody enjoys rejection, either. Yet having enough love for yourself to play it cool with someone who does not show enough feeling for you is a vital part of healthy self-esteem. l

Immigrants and Mental Health

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In this article, we highlight aspects of the mental health of immigrants based on a Stress & Trauma Toolkit for Treating Undocumented Immigrants in a Changing Political and Social Environment from the American Psychiatric Association.

Mental health risk factors Immigrants experience trauma and stressors before, during, and after immigration. Undocumented immigrants often experience the following trauma at various stages of the migration process: •Before: Financial issues, sense of failure, escape from violence, poverty, political oppression, threats or disasters •During: Violence, environmental hazards, abandonment/separation, witnessing death •After: Limited resources given their status, intra- and interpersonal conflict, stress from adjusting to their new environment, exploitation, fear of deportation

Treatment in school and the workplace Research suggests that low-income, immigrant, and racial/ethnic minority children are disproportionately placed in low-ability groups early in their education, while adults experience discrimination and stigma in the workplace. •Stigma: Undocumented immigrants are often subjected to stigma at work, in school, and by society.

Shifting family structures and dynamics Undocumented immigrants have varying family situations and mixed-status families are common. Some individuals are in the U.S. alone; others have large families, and some have children who are citizens. This can create strained family situations, including varying levels of inclusion, exclusion, acculturation, and desires for assimilation among family members. These shifting and potentially disparate priorities often lead to increased intergenerational conflicts. •Social isolation: Stigma often leads to social isolation and a decreased level of support in the community. Isolation can be a risk factor for mental health disorders.

Fear and distrust •Distrust of the U.S. legal system: Studies show that undocumented immigrants have increased rates of fear and distrust of the U.S. legal system, causing decreased participation in civic life, including advocacy efforts. They also have a decreased likelihood of using the legal system even when they are victims of illegal activities. This distrust can extend to the health care system and act as a barrier to care. •Fear of deportation: Given the current political climate, undocumented immigrants live in widespread fear of deportation, which limits their use of health care and social services and prevents social integration.

Higher overall risk for mental health issues for some undocumented immigrants: •Undocumented immigrants who have had exposure to violent trauma are at high risk for depressive disorders, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and substance use disorders. •Unaccompanied minors have a higher number of traumatic exposures on average than minors who migrate accompanied by family, which increases their risk for mental health problems like PTSD. •Compared to U.S.-born Latinos, Latinos who are undocumented immigrants are more likely to have multiple psychosocial problems, including those related to employment, access to health care and the legal system. However, undocumented immigrant Latinos use fewer mental health services use than U.S.-born Latinos do. •Immigration-related stressors can increase suicidal ideation and risk due to the distress associated with cultural stress, social marginalization and intergenerational conflicts in addition to PTSD and other psychological disorders. Separation from family: Undocumented immigrants can be separated from family and children may be placed in foster homes or other custodial arrangements. Separation from family can be traumatic, especially for children, and can lead to mental health symptoms. In addition, studies have shown that young children entering foster families may avoid engaging with a new caregiver and, even if reunited with their parents, may respond to feelings of abandonment by rejecting them. This can create a self-perpetuating cycle that prevents nurturing and responsive care and ultimately exacerbate dysfunctional family dynamics.

Available support Help is available regardless of your immigration status. NYC Well: If symptoms of stress become overwhelming for you, you can connect with trained counselors at NYC Well, a free and confidential mental health support service that can help New Yorkers cope. NYC Well staff are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and can provide brief counseling and referrals to care in over 200 languages. For support, call 888-NYCWELL (888-692-9355), text “WELL” to 65173 or chat online. l

WELCOME TO AMERICA

22 The Border Patrol Is Going to Eliminate Its Secretive Critical Incident Teams

BY KATY MURDZA

U.S. Customs and Border Patrol (CBP) announced in a May 6 memorandum that it would eliminate its Border Patrol Critical Incident Teams (BPCITs). The teams have faced criticism for their secretive role at the scenes of incidents involving Border Patrol agents in which someone has died or been seriously injured. BPCITs currently respond to critical incidents, defined as “any incident that involves CBP personnel that results in, or is intended or likely to result in, serious bodily injury or death; a use of force; or widespread media attention.” This can result in the Border Patrol investigating itself to protect the agency or individual agents. In fact, Border Patrol itself has described these teams as conducting investigations for “mitigation of civil liability.” There is no known equivalent to such a team in other law enforcement agencies. The memo, written by CBP Commissioner Chris Magnus, instructs agency components to support preparations to eliminate BPCITs by October 1, 2022. CBP’s Office of Professional Responsibility (OPR), a department specifically assigned oversight authority of CBP employees, will assume responsibility for critical incident response. Earlier this year, CBP issued interim guidance requiring that OPR supervise any use of specialized teams to respond to critical incidents. After OPR takes over responding to critical incidents, the Border Patrol will still be able to collect evidence in certain other situations such as border enforcement seizures and incidents involving property damage but no serious injury. Preparations for the change will include hiring new staff, developing training and protocols, and acquiring equipment and technology. Congress has already funded OPR to hire as many as 350 new personnel. Some current personnel with relevant skills may be transferred or temporarily assigned to OPR. BPCITs have existed in some form since 1987 under various names. But they have received limited media attention due to their secretive nature. They are not mentioned in federal statutes or regulations, public government documents, or the Department of Homeland Security acronyms list. The teams first came to the public’s attention in documents related to the 2010 death of Anastasio Hernandez Rojas. Border Patrol agents “hogtied [Mr. Hernandez Rojas], dragged him, beat him with batons, punches and kicks, stood and kneeled on his body against the ground, and tasered him repeatedly for extended lapses of time, even after he had become unresponsive, thus causing his death.” BPCIT did not notify the San Diego Police Department of the incident. It also refused to provide police with medical records, tampered with evidence, and failed to preserve video evidence. BPCITs have been conducting investigations without the legal authority to do so, as Congress has not provided the Border Patrol with authority to investigate itself. The only agencies with legal authority to investigate Border Patrol misconduct are state and local law enforcement agencies, the Federal Bureau of Investigations, the DHS Office of Inspector General, and in some limited circumstances, OPR. In 2013, an external review of CBP’s use-of-force policy recommended defining the authority and role of BPCITs. Instead of following the recommendation, the agency removed all mentions of the teams from the policy. In October 2021, the Southern Border Communities Coalition called on Congress to investigate BPCITs. In November 2021, the Border Patrol confirmed in a press statement the existence of specialized teams that respond to critical incidents but did not name them. In January, 10 House and Senate committee and subcommittee chairs called on the Government Accountability Office to investigate BPCITs. The same day, the House Committee on Homeland Security and the House Committee on Oversight and Reform announced their own joint investigation into whether BPCITs had interfered in investigations of Border Patrol use-of-force to protect agents from being held accountable. BPCITS are a key piece of a larger problem of overall impunity for Border Patrol misconduct. Although CBP does not reliably report deaths from critical incidents, advocates have documented the deaths of over 200 people either in CBP custody or as the result of an encounter with agents since 2010. Deaths from Border Patrol car chases have increased in recent years. No Border Patrol agent has ever been prosecuted for use-of-force that resulted in a death. 160 internal reports of misconduct and abuse by DHS officers, mostly CBP agents, demonstrate the rampant abuse within the agency. The elimination of BPCITs is an important step. However, the pending congressional and GAO investigations must determine the full scope of these teams’ repeated obstruction of justice. All useof-force incidents investigated by BPCITs should be re-examined as a further step toward holding the Border Patrol accountable for its culture of violence and impunity.l Read more stories at www.theimmigrantsjournal.com

Editorial credit: F Armstrong Photography / Shutterstock.com

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