Woroni: Edition 1, 2012

REVERED REVOLUTION ORGAN OF THE PEOPLE!

O-WEEK SPECIAL EDITION

WORONI

o week

MONDAY 7-Eleven presents Take Off BBQ 10am – 5pm at Union Court

Take-Off BBQ is here to get you into the swing of O-Week. Come down to Union Court between 10am and 5pm to grab a showbag, buy your Tiki Tour and Full Moon Party tickets, and indulge in some halal and vegetarian BBQ cuisine.

Wok, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (Iron Chef) 12 – 2pm at Union Court

Watch some local celebs and ANUSA reps stage the culinary battle of the decade in Union Court. With voice-overs and a studentfriendly secret ingredient, this is about as authentic as it can get. We’ll bring the BBQ, you bring the audience.

UniSmart 2 – 3:30pm at Manning Clarke

The live survival guide to university life.

UniSmart addresses topics such as making friends, seeking help, socializing and drinking and campus life. It is highly recommended that you attend. http://www.unismart.biz/

Bollywood Dancing Lesson 3 – 4pm at Union Court

Run by EKTA, this is a great way to get into the swing of Escape to the East and learn some moves to bust out at the rest of the great events throughout the week!

ANUESA Pre-Tiki Tour Drinks 5:30 – 6:30 at ANU Bar

Are you keen to get your O-week celebrations underway as early as possible? Do you feel like 6:30 pm is too late for you to begin?

Has drinking at home by yourself on a Monday become passé? You are not the only one. The Engineering Students’ Association feels your pain, and are hosting pre bar crawl drinks at the ANU Bar from 5pm onwards to kick off your week. Whatever degree you’re in for, come down early for a few choice beverages and to get into the swing of O-week festivities!

Academy Nightclub presents the Trashy Tourist Tiki Tour 6:30pm - late

Pack your disposable camera, Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts, and get ready to hit Canberra’s must-see after-hours tourist attractions. Starting at ANU Bar, the group will head into Civic, before splitting into two and setting off on their own adventures.

Everyone will then be reunited at Academy Nightclub. A scavenger hunt will be released on the night.

ANU Film Group Movie Night 8pm at the Coombs Lecture Theatre

If you’re one to walk before you run, then the ANU Film Group’s Movie Night might be a great way to ease yourself into O Week.

They will be showing The Muppets at 8pm.

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

Queer* Collective Champagne Breakfast 11am – 12pm at Copland Courtyard

PWC presents Market Day 9am – 5pm at Union Court

In Conversation with Senator Bob Brown 11 - 11:35am at Student Space

Yoga Class 11am – 12pm at Dojo Room

Chow down on barbequed bacon and eggs while sipping on a tipple of fruit juice and/ or champagne. After the breakfast then location of the mysterious Queer* space will be revealed to the firsties.

Come along to join the conversation about an Australian Republic and get the uni year off to a thought-provoking start! Our guest speaker, Greens Senator Bob Brown, takes time out from his busy schedule to talk about the ongoing importance of republicanism in Australia. He will be joined ‘in conversation’ by Professor John Warhurst, an ANU academic and Deputy Chair of the National Committee of the Australian Republican Movement.

Slab of the Century 12pm - late at Union Court

100 SLABS OF BEER. 1 WINNER. Slab of the Century returns to ANU in 2012.

From 12pm, the first 50 people to register get the chance to win 100, yes, 100 slabs of beer. The only catch? You must keep your hand on the Tower of Slabylon for as long as possible. No toilet breaks, no time limit, no mercy. You decide.

UniSmart 2 – 3:30pm at Manning Clarke

The live survival guide to university life.

UniSmart addresses topics such as making friends, seeking help, socializing and drinking and campus life. It is highly recommended that you attend. http://www.unismart.biz/

Video Games Night 5:30 – 10pm at Union Court

Dance Dance Revolution, Mariokart, Jumbo Screens, Epic Prizes. Need we say more?

Mooseheads presents the ANU Snowsports Party 10pm - late Hosted by Mooseheads, ANU Snowsports’ Cosplay Party is a night of elaborate costumes, cartoon characters and more Sailor Moon outfits than you can poke a stick at. Come along dressed as your favourite cartoon character - the more outrageous, the better!

Head down to Union Court, Uni Ave and Copeland Courtyard to join all of the clubs, societies, leagues and teams that your heart could ever desire, and pick up some freebies while you’re at it! Spend the afternoon signing your mates up to the weird ones. The fun continues for months.

We know it’s important to stretch before we exercise, so as we work our way through OWeek, why not take some time out and prep your body for the excitement yet to come with a yoga class? Held in Union Court by an ANU instructor, you can grab a taste of the offerings at the ANU gym and practise your downward dog at the same time!

PARSA ‘O’ Week Welcome BBQ 12pm - 2pm, W.K. Hancock Building (West Wing) Bldg#43, Level 5 Biology Place A great opportunity to meet new and current ANU postgraduate students! Come and celebrate ‘O’ Week with PARSA. We would like to invite all ANU Postgraduate Students to our Welcome.

Genderless Speed Dating 2 – 5pm at ANU Bar

Gender-free Speed Dating’s coming back for a second year after its magnificent debut!

GLBTIQ folks and straight allies alike are welcome, for a mix of speed dating and speed friending. It’s a great way to meet new people, get amongst it!

Karaoke Night 7 – 9pm at Union Court

Embrace the craze gripping our northern neighbours for decades! The stage is set, the mikes are on, and the terrible multinational classics are prepped and ready to go for KARAOKE!! Head on down to ANU Bar for a night of laughs and gaffes, and the obligatory performance of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ by your inebriated hipster friends.

Acoustic Soup 7:30 – 10:30pm at the ANU Food Coop

Canberra’s favourite night of vegetarian soupy wonderfulness and great music is on again. Come to the Food Co-op on Kingsley Street to hang out with friends you haven’t met yet under the warm flattering glow of lanterns. Dinner and music is $7 for students and members of the Co-op, $8 for everyone else.

Toga at Academy Nightclub 11pm - late

Continue the fun of Burgmann Toga at Academy Nightclub’s Toga afterparty. Free entry for toga-clad romans and barbarians.

WORONI SPEAKS TO NEW NAVY CAMPUS GUIDE Patty Deegan on how to boil an egg properly.

(Hint - you're doing it wrong.)

Page 19

THREESOMES

WORONI The Australian National University Newspaper Since 1948

Jamie Freestone writes a letter to his alien friend about the Republican primaries Page 28

Student fee introduced

NO. 1 VOL 64 FEB 13

Distribution questioned by student organisations SPECIAL REPORT

Marita Chen, Lynne Sawyers, Geoffrey Rush // Photo by Adam Spence

Woroni’s Adam Spence talks to the Young Australian of the Year, engineer Marita Cheng.

Spanning the East River in New York City, the Brooklyn Bridge stands as an engineering and cultural icon. Upon its completion in 1883, it was the longest suspension bridge in the world and the first to use steel-wire construction. At a ceremony marking the bridge’s opening, those gathered lavished praise on someone whose name was conspicuous for the era, Emily Roebling.

She was the wife of the bridge’s chief engineer Washington Roebling, who had inherited the role from his father following a survey accident. Soon after construction commenced, Washington developed “caisson disease” rendering him bed ridden and unable to oversee the project. With financiers pushing to dismiss Washington, Emily took over her husband’s role, overseeing construction, negotiating with government and private

sector interests all while staving off opportunistic competitors.

More than an envoy for her husband, she studied areas of maths and engineering, amassing the knowledge needed to manage the project for more than a decade.

Fast-forward almost 130 years and a woman’s name in engineering remains conspicuous, with stories of achievement like Emily’s few and far between. In the United States, engineering remains the industry of lowest representation for women at only 11%. In Australia, the proportion is just under 10%. In Australian universities, women account for less than 15% of engineering degree enrolments. The figure is even lower for related technology courses and diplomas.

Continued P2

Following the controversial re-introduction of compulsory student fees under the new Student Services Amenities Fee (SSAF), the University has announced a provisional allocation of funding.

A significant portion of the fee will be distributed amongst the ANU’s major democratically elected student organisations – the ANU Students’ Association (ANUSA), the Postgraduate and Research Students’ Association (PARSA), Woroni’s parent organisation ANU Student Media (ANUSM) and ANU Sport.

Pro Vice-Chancellor for Students, Professor Elizabeth Deane, has, however, indicated the majority of the funds will go towards capital maintenance and renewal projects, a new mental health support position as part of the University Counselling Centre, shared student administrative services and to non-affiliated student groups.

The reactions of most student groups varied on the nature of the funding process; however, most expressed a view that the ANU’s democratic and representative student organisations should be the principal beneficiaries of the fee.

ANUSA President Fleur Hawes told Woroni that whilst she believes the introduction of SSAF is an “exciting time for students’ associations and their affiliates”, she has major concerns that “the vague nature of the legislation has resulted in our organisation’s autonomy

being heavily threatened.” Hawes said she hopes the ANU will embrace “the spirit of the legislation and support the student experience and student needs, directed by the representatives elected by the student population.”

Areti Metuamate, President of PARSA, went further, stating that “PARSA is happy with its current allocation from the SSAF, however, we feel that the University has been less than helpful in our negotiations for funds for a wide range of new initiatives.” He pointed out that whilst “the VC promised us that money would be spent on student organisations, his staff seem to have no regard for this.”

ANUSM’s Editor-in-Chief, Angus Minns, called the process “positive overall” but expressed concern with “major unresolved issues surrounding ANUSM’s expansion and distribution of funding to non-representative student groups, which we hope to work with the University to resolve.”

ANU Union-Chair, Michael Hiscox, said he was “pleased with the allocation that the ANU Union received” but believes “that all student’s money should go to democratically elected student organisations.” ANU Sport did not respond to Woroni’s request for comment.

For an in-depth analysis of SSAF allocation, see Woroni Edition 2.

ANU Student Media Inc., publisher of Woroni, is a major beneficiary of SSAF funding.

INSIDE

Postgrad president attacked in anonymous email

P3

GAY BASHING {3} INDIGENOUS RIGHTS{4} RIO+20 {6} WHALING {10} CAMPUS GUIDE {11} AUSSIE OPEN {26} ASK AUNTY FLO {28}

NEWS//2

WORONI

THE AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL UNIVERSITY NEWSPAPER SINCE 1948

A Word from the Editors

Well, you’ve made it to page two of Woroni. As the editors of this publication we assume that something must have pulled you in this far. Hopefully it’s promises of insightful and original pieces of student journalism. More likely our O-Week wrap around has bamboozled you into thinking you’re reading some kind of neo-Maoist socialist leaflet.

We can, however, assure you that Woroni is not aligned to any neo-socialist movements, or any political ideologies for that matter (no matter what some mailing lists we’re subscribed to might indicate). Woroni is ANU’s fortnightly student run newspaper, published by ANU Student Media Inc. We’ve been around in one form or another since 1948 – post 2011 we’ve been officially separated from the ANU Students’ Association, making us the only independently-run student newspaper in Australia.

In the spirit of our newfound independence we had some major successes in 2011. We saw the reintroduction of Woroni as a fortnightly tabloid-form publication, the launch of Woroni’s first fully functional website, the integration of both pod- and vod-casting into the new website as well as a busy schedule of professionally conducted lectures and writers workshops.

2012 promises even more. ANU Student Media Inc. is looking build upon all that was achieved in last year. One of our most exciting plans for 2012 is an expansion into the realm of internet radio. W.H.A.M. is a brand new arm of ANU Student Media Inc. charged with bringing internet radio to ANU. Be sure to listen into (or even get involved in) the live O-Week broadcast (See page 3 for more details).

So now hopefully you have at least some idea what we’re about and what we’re hoping to do this year. To do all this, however, we need your help! Woroni is nothing without our readers and contributors. Anyone can contribute to Woroni, whether you’re an innocent and fresh faced first year or a thoroughly jaded PhD student. Check out www. woroni.com.au to view our Submission Guide or shoot us an email at woroni@ anu.edu.au. We’ve got a friendly – some might say overly so - team of editors and section editors just waiting to help get you involved.

Engineer Named Young Australian of the Year CONTINUED FROM P1 It’s a disparity that has remained steady for the past decade prompting Marita Cheng, an Engineering and Computer Science student from the University of Melbourne to act.

In 2008 she founded Robogals, an organisation that has since spawned 17 chapters across Australia, New Zealand and the United Kingdom, delivering workshops to over 3,000 girls in Australia. This week, Marita was named Young Australian of the Year, recognising her work introducing young women to opportunities in engineering. I spoke to her shortly after the award ceremony.

“One of the biggest issues is the cultural issue… there are misconceptions about what it is to be an engineer,” Marita said.

“It’s [perceived as] all about hard hats and dirty, messy work, but it isn’t really like that. It’s creative, it’s very logical… there’s teamwork.”

In a 2008 report for the Australian Council of Engineering Deans, Emeritus Professor Robin King highlighted the need to improve public understanding of engineering, with a particular focus on engagement in schools. This is where Robogals focus lies, fostering a unique dynamic for girls through workshops and career talks.

“Marita’s work has provided young women with a valuable insight into the world of engineering in a hands-on and interactive way,” CEO of Engineers Australia Stephen Durkin said. “Robogals has had a profound effect on raising the overall awareness of engineering and has provided the stepping stones to lead more women to pursue their studies in

the areas of engineering and technology.

Marita’s no stranger to success. She’s currently studying at university on a Paterson Scholarship and has been a recipient of the Nancy Fairfax Churchill and IYF Youth Action Net Fellowships along with the Anita Borg Change Agent Award.

She’s no a stranger to the limelight either, having appeared on the ABC’s New Inventors program as a panelist.

Asked what qualities she would attribute her achievements to, her answer is simple. Being “passionate” and “working hard” are vital, as is working with “a fantastic group of people.” It’s those she works with, “hundreds of volunteers” that her answers invariably turn to rather than speaking of herself.

“I’m really grateful I have so many people who I work together with to create

what Robogals has achieved,” Marita said smiling.

It’s a work ethic and modesty that echoes many successful figures in engineering and technology, not least Apple’s chief of design and engineering Sir Jonathon Ive whose 70hr weeks and constant references to “we” rather than “I” have become trademarks of his success. Coincidently Marita cites late Apple founder and close friend of Ive’s, Steve Jobs, among the people she finds inspiring.

In September last year Robogals established a chapter at the ANU run by women from the Engineering faculty.

Already sporting a large membership and having raised enough funds to commence running lessons, Marita expressed pride in their work. “We’re really proud of our ANU chapter, they’ve done such an amazing job.”

Photo by Adam Spence

Pay your parking fines or risk conviction MARIE NGIAM A failure to pay ANU issued parking fines is resulting in an increasing number of ANU students having convictions recorded against their criminal record.

Non-payment of parking fines issued by the ANU is a criminal offence, in contrast to fines issued outside of the university. Ordinarily, when a person fails to pay a parking fine in the ACT, their license is suspended and no conviction is recorded. When the fine is paid the suspension is lifted.

However, the ANU has its own parking and traffic regulations, which are

EDITORIAL BOARD

SECTION EDITORS

Angus Minns Uma Patel Tom Westland Victor White Nakul Legha Lisa Visentin Zid Mancenido Liv Clark

Marie Ngiam Richard Keys Ben Henschke Gareth Robinson Vincent Chiang Jess Millen Farzaneh Edraki

governed by a separate ANU Parking and Traffic Statute. As such, parking officers will issue fines where they perceive that a violation of the statute has occurred. If a student is fined by the ANU and fails to pay the fine, the student will be summoned before a Magistrate’s Court and convicted of a crime.

The Youth Law Centre (YLC) ACT, a free legal advice and education service for under 25s, has observed with concern a number of ANU students being convicted by the Magistrate’s Court because they have not paid their parking fines.

ART DIRECTORS Yasmin Masri Guy Leech

WEB DIRECTOR Tom Garwood

PROOF READER

Tasman Vaughan

Any conviction, regardless of how trivial the offence may seem, is recorded against the person’s criminal record. This can have dire consequences, especially for students.

“Given the implications this has for people applying for future work or looking to travel visa-free (who may be asked to declare if they have a criminal record), we think it is prudent to make students aware of this ‘anomaly’ in parking laws”, YLC Assistant Coordinator Roland Chen advised.

Submissions and letters to the editor can be sent to woroni@anu.edu.au. www.woroni.com.au www.facebook.com/woroni Printed by Capital Fine Print Canberra.

NEWS//3

Anonymous Email Attack On Postgrad Pres Gay bashing on the rise?

Amid anecdotal claims of an increase in homophobic taunts and targeted assaults marring city nightlife, Woroni’s Daniel Rose set out to investigate whether Civic is still deserving of its “gay-friendly” reputation.

Statistics obtained from an ACT Policing spokesperson show that in 2011 there were only three reported cases of assault in the vicinity of Cube nightclub. However, according to patrons of Cube, Canberra’s gay nightclub, both the venue and its Garema Place doorstep have become a hub for homophobic vitriol and assault. In interviews with 23 people from the LGBTIQ community, as well as Cube patrons, every person could recount at least one occasion where they had been assaulted, or had a friend who had been assaulted. One interviewee recounted walking out of Cube several years ago, only to be followed to the taxi rank by a group of youths. “I was mistaken for a guy, walking out of Cube, and was set upon by a group of young people. When they realised I was a female they stopped and ran away.”

She also tells of an occasion where a friend was savagely beaten just outside the nightclub by a group of young men who were refused entry. The victim suffered a concussion and bleeding from the ears.

In both instances the victims were subjected to homophobic taunts, including phrases such as “kill the homos” and “bash the poofs”. When accompanied by tirades of abuse of this nature, the physical assault can no longer be simply classified as part of the concerning increase in random, alcohol-fuelled violence. Instead, these are targeted and often premeditated beatings.

Whilst Cube is premised on a culture of inclusiveness, where heterosexual patrons are considered guests and should “integrate passively with regular patrons”, several interviewees recalled instances of straight patrons becoming aggressive within the premises of the nightclub.

A member of the LGBTIQ community recounted an instance where a friend was on the main dance floor of Cube when an altercation erupted with a straight patron. The aggressor punched the victim and called him a “faggot”, and then followed the victim to the Civic taxi rank.

Unfortunately, the police do not dif-

ferentiate reports of assault by motive or sexual orientation of the victim. This lack of categorisation of assaults, in combination with under-reporting, means that placing a figure on homophobic violence will remain speculative and reliant upon anecdotal evidence.

The absence of any policies requiring the categorisation of violence by homophobic motivation is out of step with ACT legislation under which such assaults could constitute a human rights breach.

“Any action that deliberately adversely targets the gay community may constitute a breach of an individual’s fundamental right to protection against discrimination... a gay-targeted crime may come within the scope of s.7 (b) of the Discrimination Act 1991 (ACT)”, a Justice and Community Safety spokesperson said.

Further hindering a policy response is that crime-reporting does not take into account the social motive, leaving reform in the hands of more informal systems of community liaisons, or social movements like Take Back the Night.

The fact that many Cube patrons can recall incidents of assault in the vicinity of Cube indicates there is still an undercurrent of homophobia in Canberra and that the area is under-policed. In some instances, physical confrontation is avoided either by a chance police patrol walking by at the time, the Cube bouncers stepping in, or the LGBTIQ community intervening to ward off danger, said one interviewee.

When asked why she thinks people want to attack members of the LGBTIQ community, one person said, “It’s fear of the unknown, it’s fear of not understanding somebody based on their sexuality, based upon gender stereotyping, based upon society’s expectations. They don’t understand how I can be who I am.”

VICTOR WHITE Postgraduate and Research Students’ Association (PARSA) President Areti Metuamate was the target of an anonymous email circulated to the highest levels of the University on February 3rd.

The email was sent from mixmaster@ remailer.privacy.at, which is a website offering anonymous email capabilities for free.

The email alleged that PARSA had approved significant increases ($22,000) for the honoraria of Mr Metuamate, as well as spending $5000 on domestic and international trips, and that more than $15,000 was spent on catering drinking events and “lavish diners” for its officers.

More seriously, the email alleged that “PARSA allocated $65000 to hire Wayne Joseph [Equity Officer PARSA] as [an] employee.”

Furthermore, the email alleged that almost no money was allocated to support students outside the circle of PARSA officers and the friends.

In conclusion, the email stated “while other students struggle financially, PARSA officers exorbitantly spend the association funds on themselves.”

The email was received by the past and present PARSA representatives as well as the Vice-Chancellor Ian Young, Pro ViceChancellor for Students Elizabeth Deane and other university council members In an emailed statement to Woroni Mr Metuamate and members of the PARSA executive denied all claims of wrongdoing.

The email, with the subject line “PARSA confident of its record supporting postgraduate students”, refuted the claims.

In response to the allegation of increased pay for Mr Metuamate, the email

stated, “PARSA did not increase the honorarium for Areti Metuamate – increases in honoraria will only apply from the new election term in May by which time Areti has announced his intention to resign”.

In response to the allegation regarding travel allowances PARSA stated “any travel, domestic or international, must be approved and is for the purpose of advancing the needs of postgraduate student rights at the ANU.” Mr Metuatmate stated that catering events was imperative to ensure turnout at their events.

In the email, PARSA said: “Our networking drinks attract a diverse range of students, up to 80 every fortnight, often students who are not seen at other PARSA events.”

In conclusion the response stated “PARSA stands by its record of supporting postgraduate students. There will always be different views about how funds should be spent. We have an open and transparent process and invite any postgraduate student to attend our PRC or Executive meetings [which are always open to any postgraduate student] or, even further, people are welcome to join our Council and be part of making decisions about our expenditure priorities.”

When asked to speculate about the identity of the emailer Mr Metuamate responded: “we are not interested in focusing on that person as it is just a cheap attempt to damage a hard-working and dedicated team.”

The full text of both emails, as well as budgets for ANUSA, ANUSM and PARSA all available on www.woroni.com.au

Radio comes to ANU UMA PATEL & LIV CLAKRE

Radio is ANU Student Media’s new harpoon to fight the proclaimed death of print media. From Monday, W.H.A.M. (Woroni Has a Microphone) will broadcast live under a marquee from the centre of ANU, Union Court. The station will be played in public areas around ANU. The temporary internet station is the first stride towards offering broadcast Any assaults should be reported to the exposure for ANU students. Students Police, and the AFP’s Gay, Lesbian Liaiwill also produce podcasts after O-Week son Officer (GLLO) network can be apthat will be available on Woroni’s website. proached with any concerns.

There are hopes that ANU will eventually host its own permanent radio station and that W.H.A.M. will lay down the groundwork for beginning such an endeavour.

Potential listeners can access the airwaves through links available on www. woroni.com.au and our Facebook page.

To get involved e-mail us on woroni@ anu.edu.au, come to the marquee in Union Court or tweet to us with the hashtag #whamradio.

COMMENT//4

Our Indigenous rights deficit ALEKS SLADOJEVIC

In what could have easily been mistaken as a scene from Cinderella, footage of Prime Minister Gillard being whisked away from the “violent protests” on Australia Day made for a somewhat theatrical evening news bulletin.

Politicians, lobbyists, and a handful of commentators have all had something to say about the incident that was sparked by the Opposition Leader’s comments earlier in the day.

Sadly, the media has since been fixated on the wrong questions – whether Abbot’s remarks were taken out of context and whether the protestors acted inappropriately (to which the response has been strong condemnation).

And while we shouldn’t ignore the use of aggression in political protest, we also shouldn’t tolerate the neglect that continues to be inflicted on our Indigenous citizens.

Start by tracing the overt racism that has emerged in the aftermath. Yes, the Mercury did actually publish an article titled “Blacks Burn Aussie Flag”. Not to mention the crude images and insensitive remarks that have been found floating around on Facebook.

However, derogative remarks aside, the abandonment of our Indigenous population runs much deeper than tabloid headlines.

It is hidden in public policy that continues to treat this nation’s original inhabitants as second-class citizens. It is found in the stark and somewhat persistent statistical discrepancies.

And finally, it is reflected in the raw emotion and frustration that was witnessed during the recent protests. No nation should have to condone the burning of its flag.

But neither should any nation be allowed to send armed forces in response to complex social and economic challenges being faced by one of its minority groups.

The Northern Territory Emergency Response continues to epitomise an epic failure of policy.

Regardless, our beaurocracy deserves some credit. Certain policies have, in fact, demonstrated a rarely before-seen degree of cultural sensitivity.

Take, for example, the trial currently

being run in selected Northern Territory schools.

In efforts to increase the deeply-concerning 53% school attendance rate in remote Indigenous communities, the government has facilitated changes to the school calendar so as to better accommodate Indigenous hunting and ceremonial seasons.

Nuanced policies such as this provide real opportunities to close the statistical ravines between Indigenous and nonIndigenous citizens in this country.

Nevertheless, bad policies still persist.

And for some of these policies, the entrenched paternalism has been downright appalling.

The failure in good policy-making can be conceptualised as a democratic deficit, but not in the strict numerical sense. It’s a deficit arising from the lack of representation.

Challenges unique to Indigenous communities do not rank highly on the public policy agenda. And so long as these communities remain a minority, the status quo stands strong.

Unless the broader populous starts lobbying the government for serious, sound, and sane policy solutions, chances are not much is going to change.

Unfortunately, the broader voter base is preoccupied with the budget deficit.

Meanwhile, Indigenous rights fall deeper into the red.

Prospects for change can be found in external pressure; critical mass from abroad. International human rights law provides a realm of untapped potential.

And while the UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples is more carrot than stick, in the very least it provides a framework within which soft law can eventually evolve into something more enforceable.

Where national governments consistently fail to deliver good policy for Indigenous minorities, international lobby groups need to up the ante.

It’s only once we’ve established international tribunals to which individual Indigenous citizens can appeal, will our government really start getting its gears into action. Alternatively, we stop our unhealthy preoccupation with fiscal balances, and start concerning ourselves with our more troublesome deficit in Indigenous rights.

The wages of sin Josh Dabelstein on the unseemly amount of money flowing into political parties’ coffers from the gambling industry

On 1 February 2012, the Australian Electoral Commission published its annual release of political donations data, seventeen months after the 2010 election.

If Andrew Wilkie’s failed push for mandatory pre-commitment technology didn’t make apparent the major parties’ vested interests in allowing problem gamblers to spiral into debt, then the donation figures from the pokies industry to both the major parties for 2010-2011 adds unquestionable clarity to the situation.

Originally, the assertion that it’s the government’s responsibility to regulate how much money Neanderthals pour into pokies struck me as a touch invasive. But my position on gambling, more specifically (albeit not exclusively) the pokies, as being little more than a tax on stupidity, has been swayed considerably by the statistics.

The amount of money Australians lose gambling each year is more than anyone else in the world loses. By double. It is embarrassing.

The Darwinian element goes out the window at that point. We are not a country of stupid people, nor losers. We do, however, have a gambling problem, and it’s time for an intervention.

So why are the ALP and Coalition dragging their heels? Neither of the major party leaders supported Wilkie’s call for an introduction of mandatory precommitment technology.

The answer is in the numbers, and therein a new issue is brought to the fore, one that has plagued the veracity of US ‘democracy’ for years. The major parties are swimming against the tide of reform for the reason that they have allowed themselves to be buttered up and sat on by lobbyists with deep pockets.

Lax commonwealth electoral donation laws, in conjunction with the influence wielded by heavyweight lobbyists like Clubs Australia, has resulted in a severely compromised level of efficiency and transparency in the process of weathering our gambling losses.

Now that Gillard has backed a plan for the technology’s eventual trial period, and now that the heat has died down on the philosophical debate surrounding the government’s place between a person and their wallet, the debate ought to shift in focus.

Why must our major parties heed the guidance of poker-machine profiteering parasites in order to shape public policy toward a significant mental health issue?

And should we be satisfied with the seventeen month information delay?

The democratic principles upon which our current legal framework is premised are undermined by the troubling potential for policy-shaping by unelected, nonaccountable third parties with private interests.

According to the AEC, the major parties collected pokies industry donations just shy of $2.4 million, with the ALP and Coalition receiving $1.2 million and $1.18 million respectively.

These figures provide shocking testament to the ever-louder calls for fiercer regulation of Government donations, as they make very obvious the way in which the national response to our embarrassing gambling crisis may have been influenced by pokies lobby groups.

Law reforms proposed by John Faulkner under Rudd’s leadership that would have shortened the electoral donation reporting period and capped the amount at $1000 were rejected by the Coalition. The major parties are thus still bound by Howard’s $11,500 limit for non-reportable electoral donations.

Furthermore, the distinction between a “donation” and a “payment” is convoluted to the point that laws surrounding “donations” are made redundant by companies like Austereo, who gave $197,788 worth of a “gift in kind” to the Liberals, and $150,000 to Labor. The limits on “payments” and “donations” greatly vary due to the words’ different legal definitions. The distinction is highly dubious given that they both constitute the endowment of monies to the parties, with the only real difference being that “payments” can go unreported.

The AEC report is a digest of big business attempting to buy political influence in all the major policy issues of 2010-2011. Public and political debate surrounding plain-packaged cigarettes saw big tobacco fork out $14 million in lobbying campaigns. Similarly, the mining tax fiasco, albeit in its winding down stages at the beginning of last year, saw lobby groups spend $6 million in 2010, on top of the $17 million already spent in the prior financial year.

There is no way of measuring the roles the gambling, mining and tobacco industries have played in our country’s health and wellbeing other than in the numbers they are forced to report by Commonwealth electoral law, and those numbers speak for themselves.

I N F O R M AT I O N S E R V I C E S G U I D E LEARN HOW TEACHING & COMPUTER ROOM MAP The Division of Information’s 2012 publications—Information Services Guide, Learn How and Teaching & Computer Room Map—have been distributed around campus.

The Information Services Guide (formerly iGuide) is an introductory guide to online services, computing on campus, Library services, research facilities, getting help, training and support available at ANU. The Learn How is a student guide to free training, workshops and other services to support study at ANU. The Teaching & Computer Room Map shows the locations of all lecture theatres, teaching rooms, computer rooms and Libraries on the ANU campus.

Grab your copies from any Library, Information Commons, ANU residence or various other locations around campus. All information from these publications can be found at information.anu.edu.au

Division of Information information.anu.edu.au

COMMENT//6

The Art of

WAR Environmental Activism at Rio+20

JULIE MELROSE I was five years old and unaware of climate change when the global modern environmental movement kicked-off at the 1992 Rio “Earth Summit.”

When the Rio+20 United Nations Conference on Sustainable Development (UNCSD) happens in Rio this year, I will be almost 25 years old.

Twenty years later, I have the historic opportunity to help define pathways to a safer, more equitable, cleaner, greener and more prosperous world for us all – and so do you.

You can get involved in a number of ways. Through engaging with the UNCSD Major Group of Children and Youth at Rio+20, attending the conference with a possible ANU Student Delegation, or at least spreading the word about the ideas and vision that the conference promotes.

A leaked document reported by the the UK Guardian revealed some of the big ideas that Rio+20 will have on the table.

World leaders will be called on to sign up for 10 new sustainable development goals for the planet and promise to build green economies. They will also be asked to negotiate a new agreement to protect oceans, approve an annual state of the planet report, set up a major world agency for the environment, and appoint a global ‘ombudsperson’, or high commissioner, for future generations.

It’s time for young people to reclaim our future and advocate for the rights of future generations to enjoy a healthy planet. Here’s some tips on how to engage meaningfully in public policy debate around environmental issues in the lead up to Rio+20 this year: 1.Be informed and start questioning There is so much talk and overuse of words like “sustainability” and “sustainable development” that it is easy to be fooled into believing that a lot is being done or has been achieved in combating dangerous climate change and biodiversity loss. The truth is, there is a huge amount left to be done and achieving the political will at a national and global level for strong action is an enormous task.

As Albert Einstein famously said – “the most important thing is not to stop ques-

tioning”. Stay informed by joining the mailing lists of organisations involved in Rio+20 and follow environmental issues at a national and global level. Ask your lecturers what they think about Rio+20, its challenges and opportunities.

2. Have purpose and direction Being young, we are often interested in many things and passionate about many issues. It really does help to focus your efforts and have a purpose in mind when attempting to engage in debate on complex issues. For example, if you want to attend an international conference for the first time, find an issue that you really care about, like deforestation, and make it your mission to become an expert on it. You will be far more effective and valuable as an individual by knowing one area back to front than by knowing bits and pieces about everything. Rio+20 will focus on two themes: (a) a green economy in the context of sustainable development and poverty eradication; and (b) the institutional framework for sustainable development. If you are interested in these areas, start researching and writing about them, and think about submitting your ideas to the Rio+20 Global Stakeholder Forum.

“There is so much talk and overuse of words like ‘sustainability’ and ‘sustainable development’ that it is easy to be fooled into believing that a lot is being done”

ence like Rio+20 will be. If you are interested in attending Rio+20 with a possible ANU student delegation, stay informed by joining the Facebook Group: ANU Student Delegation to RIO+20.

2012 is a crucial year for our environ3. Don’t go it alone ment. Choose to care, be involved, and take part in this historic opportunity to One thing I have learnt from attending re-shape the way we approach sustainseveral UN Climate Change negotiations able development into the future. overseas is that it is important to have a team that shares your vision and purpose. Julie Melrose is the Vice-President and It is very difficult to achieve what you Environmental officer af the Postgraduwant to achieve all on your own. With- ate and Research Students’ Association If out a strong team with a shared vision you’re interested in a possible ANU Stuand purpose, you literally get lost and dent Delegation to RIO+20, contact Julie confused in a large international confer- at: Julie.Dana.Melrose@gmail.com

SECURING YOUR DEVICE If you’re connecting a computer, phone or other device to the ANU network, you’re responsible for keeping it safe and secure.

Physical security

Free antivirus protection

The physical security of your computer, phone, tablet, MP3 player or other devices is your own responsibility.

Small, portable, valuable equipment is a tempting target for thieves.

Run anti-virus software. ANU provides a licensed copy of Sophos, but practically any licensed, updated product you may already own is fine.

Use laptop locks (a small number can be borrowed from libraries), put identifying markings on phones and MP3 players and don’t leave things unattended.

Updates Out of date software is one of the biggest causes of computer hacks. Keep your software and operating system up-to-date with patches.

ANU hosts update servers for both Apple and Microsoft. It’s important to also patch software such as Adobe Reader and Flash.

For more information, please go to: security.anu.edu.au/services/updates.php

Division of Information security.anu.edu.au

For more information, please go to: security.anu.edu.au/services/endpoint.php

Piracy Making, downloading or sharing unauthorised copies of copyright material is against the law and ANU policy.

Breaches may result in disciplinary action.

Passwords Choose a strong password or PIN, and remember to change any default passwords.

For more information, please go to: security.anu.edu.au/advice/passwords

17th FEBRUARY UNION COURT ANU

Tickets at anusa.anu.edu.au/oweek

R E C H A R G E PRINT SYSTEM From Semester 1, 2012, your allocated print, copy and scan quota will be linked to your ANU ID card, and under the new Recharge system, can be topped up online or via new, self-service Recharge kiosks across all Library locations.

Link your ANU ID card to you print quota

To start using the new Recharge system, all ANU ID cards must be validated at a Recharge kiosk to link to your print quota.

To validate, visit a kiosk in any Library location and follow the prompts on the touch screen.

Once your ANU ID card is linked to your print quota, you can take advantage of recharging online or via the new kiosks.

Recharge online The new Recharge website–recharge.anu.edu.au–has been created to remotely top up your print quota using a credit card online. In addition to topping up your quota, the Recharge website will allow you to view how you have used your quota and to check or manage your print quota from anywhere, even abroad.

Division of Information information.anu.edu.au/recharge

Recharge kiosks

New Recharge kiosks are located within the Information Commons of each Library allowing students and staff to top up their print quota using EFTPOS or a credit card. Recharge kiosks will also allow users to refund credit or get their print quota balance.

Don’t have an ANU ID card?

Visit a Recharge kiosk at any Library location and follow the prompts on the touch screen.

IN THE LAB

ELEANOR CAMPBELL

Inside The Whale

Katelyn Ewart and Sam Thorpe on whaling on the murky world of international whaling laws Each summer, like clockwork, the Japanese whaling in the Southern Whale Sanctuary gets its fair share of news coverage. This year, three protestors boarded the Japanese whaling vessel Shonan Maru 2, prompting calls that the government take direct action to prevent whaling boats from entering Australian waters.

There is widespread community opposition to whaling, and even further outrage at what is commonly seen as an insufficient response from the government.

Australia has both political, conservation and economic interests in the Southern Ocean. The question is, how hard should we pursue these interests, and what are we risking by doing so?

Australia has opposed commercial whaling for as long as most of us have been alive. Commercial whaling was supposedly prohibited under the International Convention for the Regulation of Whaling (ICRW). However, Article 8 of the Convention states that a state may nonetheless engage in so called ‘Scientific Whaling’. Under the second of its JAPRA permits (Japanese Whale Research Program under Special Permit in the Antarctic), the Japanese government has issued permits for the sampling of 850 (±10%) minke whales and 10 fin whales per season. No limit is explicitly placed on the amount of whales which may be taken under scientific permits in the ICRW. The issue therefore becomes what are the possible responses to whaling, which of these are likely to be effective, and what are the risks at play in these options.

Domestically, the legal system is hamstrung in its ability to deal with whaling.

However, in 2008, Human Society International won an apparent victory for anti-whaling forces, with the Federal Court granting an injunction which supposedly prohibited Japanese whaling ships from entering the Australian Whaling Sanctuary. However, nothing, to this date, has been done to enforce this decision. Theoretically, domestic law has the ability to

stop Japanese whaling, but enforcing the HSI decision, or other domestic actions, is incredibly risky. Australia’s jurisdiction over the Southern Whaling Sanctuary is not widely recognised, and forcibly seeking to prevent Japanese action to the Sanctuary could have calamitous consequences.

Australia’s whale protection regime is flimsy at best. But were Australia to seek to force Japan out of the Southern Whale Sanctuary, and were Japan to successfully challenge Australia’s right to control these areas of the ocean, then Australia could be open to huge compensation claims from the Japanese.

The other avenue for contesting Japan’s actions is internationally. On 30 May 2010, Australia took Japan to the International Court of Justice (ICJ), arguing that it is in breach of its obligations under the ICRW, as well as other international obligations for the preservation of marine mammals. Australia is arguing that Japan has breached Paragraph 10(e) of the Schedule (10(e)), which requires a good faith zero catch limit for commercial whaling, and Paragraph 7(b) of the Schedule which requires a good faith undertaking not to catch humpback and fin whales in the Southern Ocean Sanctuary.

The international law system works rather differently from any domestic legal system. Australia is able to challenge Japan’s actions under the ICRW, as both states are signatories to the convention.

The ICJ is able to hear the case as both states have submitted to its jurisdiction.

The ‘law’ that the court will consider is the convention itself. The court may also have regard to what is customary practice of states in the matters of whaling, the general principles of law of states and, only as a subsidiary means, the writings of international law scholars.

It is likely that the case will turn on whether Japan is circumventing the ban on commercial whaling, and therefore the object and purpose of the ICRW.

Iceland previously made reservations regarding 10(e) and did not consider themselves bound by the passage. However, the International Whaling Commission (IWC) found that the reservation went against the object and purpose of the ICRW and denied Iceland membership. Japan lodged reservations to 10(e) and withdrew them at almost the same time as the first JAPRA came into effect. Whilst the ICJ is not bound by any opinion of the IWC, keeping in mind that 10(e) has been read as going to the object and purpose of the ICRW, and Japan implemented its scientific programs around the same time as it withdrew its reservation, Japan could be found to have breached its ICRW obligations and the ICJ could find in favour of Australia.

If the ICJ finds in favour of Australia, it may declare Japan’s actions in breach of its international obligations, order that Japan cease implementation of JAPRA II, revoke any permits and assure that it will not perform similar actions under another scheme. Effectively, Japan would be prohibited from whaling in the Southern Whale Sanctuary. A ruling to that effect is, short of Japan voluntarily ceasing its actions through negotiation, just about the best Australia can hope for. Unlike Australia’s self-declared jurisdiction over the Southern Whale Sanctuary, an ICJ ruling has the advantage of deciding the case on the basis of Japan’s voluntary signing of the ICRW. Japan’s is more likely to adhere to a decision based on conditions it has already agreed to, which is really what international law is all about.

Katelyn Ewart is the President of the ANU International Law Society, more information on which can be found at www. anuils.com. Sam Thorpe works at the Australian Government Solicitor.

With colder than average temperatures encouraging Canberrans to take their Christmas celebrations indoors, the topic of temperature has become a rich source of awkward small-talk.

For chemists at Columbia University, however, nothing could be more engaging than the study of all things very cold.

The discovery of some unexpected chemical interactions occurring at temperatures close to absolute zero has changed the way scientists understand the unimaginably chilly world of −273.15°C (that’s absolute zero, for those not intimate with the matter).

In a paper published in Nature in 2011, Professor Thomas Markland has predicted that glass will melt as it approaches absolute zero. Given that ‘melting’ is typically associated with higher temperatures (most glass starts to melt at about 1500°C), the concept of low temperatures causing such a change in state is somewhat counterintuitive. Markland’s prediction supports theories that the logic of classical physics blurs as absolute zero is approached.

On the Kelvin scale, a pleasant temperature for a day trip to the beach would sit at around 303K. Water freezes at 273K. At 230K, polar bears start to feel uncomfortable.

The lowest temperature ever reached in a laboratory stands at 0.000 000 000 45K, an incredible achievement by a research group at MIT in 2003. Reaching 0K is physically impossible; it corresponds to a state completely lacking in any form of energy. At 0K, literally nothing can happen.

The energy demands that must be met in order to study temperatures close to 0K are massive. By supercooling gases such as helium, scientists can create pockets of atmosphere colder than anything so far discovered in the universe.

It is in computer-simulated versions of these supercooled environments that Markland and colleges encountered the counterintuitive ‘melting’ of glass.

Markland describes the unusual shift from solid to liquid that glass underwent as temperatures approached 0K in a computational scenario.

As the energy of the particles in the computer-modelled glass decreased, they began to slide past one another, behaving like a fluid. It is suggested that this behaviour is due to quantum effects that are observed at very low energies, allowing particles to move around each other in ways they couldn’t at typical temperatures.

The implications of this research are not immediately practical. They do, however, open a new door into the study of materials science, which is, quite literally, the basis of the world we live in. It cannot be denied that the discovery would be, to say the very least, cool.

COFFEE // FOOD // LIBRARIES//PARKING

Illustrations & photos by Yasmin Masri

Cafés God’s Union Court

God’s Union Court is perhaps the most ambitious of the cafés on Campus. It goes looking for fresh, seasonal food and most of the time finds it. Beware, people with a heart condition may find the salt content palpitating. That said, Gods enjoys a central location and a number of thoughtful cafe meals with a pan-asian slant. If cost is prohibitive, and it can be, don’t commit to the full expense of a main; the potato chips and the breads with a variety of spreads are both quality options. Gods is generally quieter than its neighbour Vivaldi’s and it’s not a bad place to do some relaxed study, especially in summer outside in the wisteria. Fair warning though, your fair to well-made coffee might be spoiled by the intimate details of an intra-faculty spat.

Street Theatre

Right at the edge of campus and close to the Uni Lodge compound the Street Theatre Café attracts a lot of postgraduates, tutors, public servants and the occasional student looking to grab a cheap coffee. There is a student discount on the coffee and if it weren’t for the music school café this would be the cheapest on campus. There is an abundance of options for lunch or lighter meals most of which are quite good.

MARCEL DELANY PATTY DEEGAN

Music School

If it wasn’t for the out of the way location (for everyone but music and art students) this would be Woroni’s pick of the campus cafés. The coffee is clearly the best on campus (it’s also some of the cheapest), the staff are friendly and the service frighteningly quick. There are also some fantastic, financially frugal lunch options. Some advice, though, - tell them to really nix the lasagna in the microwave. It can be presented lukewarm. Kitchen underordering can be an issue, so get in quick to get the pick of the lunches.

SPECIAL: CAMPUS GUIDE//12 Cafés Caterina’s Law students had an email ringing around at the end of last year to announce that Caterina’s would be refurbished. About time.

At time of writing the new product has not been sampled but feel free to apply the rule that experience will always triumph over hope. The coffee is not great and the crowd has always reflected that. Make sure to note that the bacon and egg rolls at breakfast time are an inexpensive, delicious option.

Teatro Vivaldi There are plenty of things going for Vivaldis; sunshine, a relaxed atmosphere and some quality $10 daily specials. Friday chicken schnitzels being a highlight. The long waiting lines out the front at the coffee cart of Vivaldis in the mornings and the swarms of students that flock to the sun drenched tables during the day raise coffee expectations. The result doesn’t come close to meet them. When it’s busy, the service is slow and often frustratingly slow but if you have some time on your hands and are looking for a comfortable spot in the sun then Vivaldi’s is one of the best spots on campus to while away free time between classes.

The waitstaff are friendly and there is always plenty of atmosphere. There is rumour of a new floor manager who fancies himself as an effete drill seargent trying to raise the bar, but for the moment, either hope that you get a good barista or focus on friends and sunshine and battle through the inconsistent coffee.

Purple Pickle Just next to ANU Gym, Purple Pickle serves delicious breakfasts, reasonable coffee and easily the best fresh juices on Campus. With seating inside and out there is plenty of space to relax after a gym session and get some of the delicious goodness that you have tried to expel over the past hour back into you. Rumour has it that Purple Pickle will have opened a new café in the entrance of the Robertson Lecture by the time semester starts, becoming the closest café to scientists and the halls of residence on Campus.

Sizzle

Gods - Hedley Bull

God’s Hedley Bull does its most dastardly work on Friday mornings, when law students dragged from Cube by the promise of snails and ginger beer fight their hangovers next to Coombs Lecture Theatre. As law students are awful people it’s best not to come at this time.

To avoid them on other days just turn up on the half hour and the queue is non-existent.

The coffee is consistent, the muffins are mostly moist, and God’s relationship with Cornucopia bakery ensures light lunches are delicious.

Food Coop Although not a café, the food co-op has been known to serve healthy and delightful lunches every week on Wednesday. The meals are vegan, tasty and you get them for just four dollars.

If you can go one meal without meat and are looking for something fresh the Food Co-op is perfect. Once again you will want to get in a bit early (before 1PM) to make sure you don’t miss out on all parts of the day’s dish. There is no menu so just show up and be surprised- and delighted.

Sizzle feels like the café on the bottom of a skyscraper housing insurance and accounting offices. Unimaginative, safe and, interminably dull; Sizzle doesn’t deserve its name.

The reviewer has had two coffees from Sizzle in his University career and neither was extraordinary. It does tend to stay open a bit later than the other cafes in Union Court so if it’s after four and you are still looking for a caffeine hit it can be an option. A positive?

It has the best Korean/Japanese/East Asian food on campus. The corollary negative is that fusion really means confusion and there’s only one Asian-focussed café on campus.

SPECIAL: CAMPUS GUIDE//13 Libraries have always been inherently sexy places. For starters, there is the engorging aroma of decaying paper, the titillating whiff of animal hide and the rattling hum of an overactive air conditioning system. Even Casanova, the fabled seducer and lover, spent the last years of

his life as a librarian for Count Waldstein of Bohemia. Who wouldn’t want a piece of that action? And even if you’re not seduced by the romance, libraries are apparently half decent places to study. Here’s what you need to know about the ones on campus…

Libraries

Chifley The largest and most central library offers four floors of unadulterated access to literature.

Students of the arts, social sciences or business and economics will find just about anything they need here though it does get competitive during assessment season. There are plenty of private study rooms, handy for all your passive aggressive group work needs. A hidden gem is the extensive collection of (free!) DVDs for that rainy day you’re stuck inside because of the gastro bug you picked up from a certain fast food outlet which serves ‘chicken’ that is the antithesis of ‘gourmet’.

However, there’s a reason you won’t find too many later year students studying there; the prospect of any peace and quiet is about as likely as a bogan not bringing back a Bintang singlet from his booze fuelled holiday in Bali. It’s almost always crowded so getting a desk or a computer terminal is a vicious game of cat and mouse, with hapless participants known to lose limbs. Your best bet is the top floor or basement (Level 1).

Its real strength is the array of comfy couches, bean bags and cosy nooks which are ideal for grabbing a good nanna nap during the day. Don’t feel weird, everyone else is doing it.

Art School

Music School

This cosy nook in the hull of the massive tanker that is the School of Music building accommodates an extensive recorded music collection, along with scores and enough vinyl to keep a hoard of marauding hipsters at bay. There’s even a nifty record cleaning machine, which, one presumes, comes in handy after your records have gone for a messy frolic in the park. Music students will also appreciate the dozen or so listening booths.

But get in quick because it’s set to merge with the Art School Library in June.

Law

Hancock Recent refurbishments have seen the library become more of a hip social hub than a library, with the addition of open learning areas and whatever the terms “flexible learning laboratories” and “breakout spaces with occasional furniture” mean – all designed to foster collaborative learning and social interaction.

Which is futile given it’s a science library. For science students. The new spaces feature a ridiculous excess of lounges

sans tables (to actually study on), having the effect of a midrate hotel lobby. That said, it’s the most modern of all libraries, with a light filled and open atmosphere that makes for a refreshing change-up to your study routine and a good, central alternative to Chifley. There are also ample study desks on the front half on Levels 2 and 3.

Hancock also features a basement so notorious there’s a local band named after it. Venture down at your own peril.

Parking Nowhere. Ever. Any attempt to try will bring you perilously close to contemplating the futility of your very existence and whether your loved ones would even remember you if

you plonked your sorry excuse for an existence into the murky depths of Sully’s Creek. Catch a bus, ride a bike or get to campus before 9am to get a car spot.

Filled with only the most fashionable and angular cheek-boned of students, you best get a style consultant, a nicotine habit and a nip-tuck before you venture into the of the den of ANU’s most creative minds. Once your ‘outsider’ scent is revealed, prepare to be judged. This reviewer was left crippled with self doubt after the withering and disapproving glances thrown his way on his first visit.

Nevertheless, arts students will appreciate its contemporary arts focus, as well as the very good café next door. Given its niche focus, there aren’t many study cubicles and group study rooms catering for the masses. Its main feature is the submerged ‘Pit’, ostensibly a reading area but widely said to be the venue of opium fuelled, aesthetically appropriate orgies.

Menzies

This is one of the best kept secrets on campus and probably the ideal place to get some solemn study done. Though the library officially houses the ANU’s Asia Pacific collection, its aesthetic influences reach farther beyond to the halcyon days of Soviet Russia. The eerily quiet study cubicles on Level 4 may be utilitarian constructs of steel and Trotskyite blood, and the fading green lino floor reminiscent of the interior design at a Siberian Gulag – but it does wonders for focussing the mind.

Because it’s near Coombs, it’s never busy and populated by post-graduate and masters students; people who presumably enjoy studying so much they’ve chosen to forgo being productive members of society. It’s also close to God’s at Hedley Bull, perfect for a caffeine hit.

Pro tip: the Reading Room has a large jar of free paper clips and thumb tacks!

The den like entrance can be difficult to find at first, submerged beyond the College of Law lobby as though it was intended by its very design to keep the great unwashed out. Yet, if you study law, deductive reasoning dictates you will inevitably find yourself here at some stage. And how overjoyed you will be to find the entirety of the Namibia Law Journal, the Celtic Bar Review (all of it!) and, if you’re lucky enough, Ornithology and the Law. More helpfully, all course textbooks are available on 2 hour loans which is really handy when you’ve run out of internal organs to sell and can’t afford to purchase them.

The decades old study desks on Level 2 offer a traditional law school experience, replete with anti-Howard graffiti and depressive musings on the anxiety inducing effects of law school (poetic remarks like ‘Life Sucks. Give Up Now’). It’s great for motivation. If all this doesn’t excite you, wait till you discover the secret passageway, known only to those privileged enough to be granted access.

Keep in mind that the library closes earlier than Chifley and Hancock so plan your all-nighters accordingly. There is also a book elevator – do not try to enter it.

Wednesday 22 February 2012 5pm 2012 University Commencement Address Llewellyn Hall School of Music (Building 100) Childers Street, ANU

The Australian National University and the ANU Students’ Association invite members of the University community to attend the annual University Commencement Address.

In 2012 the speech will be presented by writer and performer Chris Taylor. Probably best known as a member of The Chaser team, Chris is responsible for television programs such as The Hamster Wheel, The Chaser’s War on Everything, Yes We Canberra!, The Chaser Decides and CNNNN on ABC-TV. In 2008 he co-hosted The Race Race radio show covering the US election; and in 2010 he returned to Triple J with Andrew Hansen to write and perform The Blow Parade comedy series, which quickly became the number one podcast in the country, and which won the 2010 ARIA Award for Best Comedy Release.

He was also the script editor on the second seasons of Review with Myles Barlow and Hungry Beast, and last year he stepped behind the camera for the first time as the director of The Hamster Wheel series. He currently has plans to turn this bio into a 7-ring opera cycle, just as soon as he gets the funding.

Presented by

ANU Students’ Association

This is a free event

S TA F F & S T U D E N T E V E N T

Chris Taylor: In the spirt of scholarship, here is a speech I copied and pasted from the Internet

Culture & Art

“The Time it Takes� pencil shavings, paper, glue Hannah Bath 2011 2012 CCAS studio resident

WHAT’S ON: ROUNDABOUT//16

Renaissance Exhibition On Now: 10am-5pm, Final entry 4pm.

National Gallery $25/$16 If you haven’t heard about this yet, you’ve been living under the biggest luddite rock in Canberra. Yet again, another amazing gallery in Europe is closed for renovation, therefore the National Gallery gets things to exhibit. This time it’s Raphael, Botticelli, Bellini, Titian, to name a few (oh yeah, look how smooth I namedropped there). There are timed entry times now so hopefully you don’t have to wait an hour and a half like when it started.…

Improv ACT Crescendo 1-3 & 8-10 Mar, 7:30pm The Street Theatre $28/22 This is improv done properly. You’ve watched disaster theatresports performances (and you’ll see one later this year at Interhall Theare Sports) but this is some of the better stuff. In actual fact, this is just a group of generally hilarious Canberrans hanging out on stage for two and a half hours while you get to be a fly-on-the-wall and listen to their hilariousness.

COMEDY Akmal Until 19 February Canberra Theatre $25 You know him. Akmal with his racist jokes and squeaky undertone is in Canberra to roadtest some jokes for his headliner shows in Sydney and Melbourne. (No joke, apparently Canberra is so far out that we’re the guinea pigs.) He’s promised that this is the first time he’ll be in High Def 3D.

Hidden Sorrows Monday, 13 Feb – 7pm The Street Theatre $15 Dancing to mark the anniversary of the apology to the Stolen Generation, production company Dance Beyond Barrirers presents Hidden Sorrows in an attempt to get people to talk more about the issues troubling reconciliation across Australia. We hear there’s not going to be a pantomime of the Julia Gillard losing a shoe and thrown into a security car incident, but it’s still going to be a cracker, with loads of up-and-coming new talent and a couple new graduates from the National Institute of Dance taking the wheel.

FREE International Market Day Sunday, 11 Feb – 10-4 Old Bus Depot Markets Free Old Bus Depot Markets have been around every Sunday since the moon landing. This year, though, they’re themed. What does this mean? It means Canberra Tourism can make incredibly egregious statements like: “Why go overseas when you can travel the world within the market surrounds”. It also gives people in Red Hill a chance to actually see the multiculturalism of Canberra.

For more events, don’t forget to check out: facebook.com/roundaboutcanberra

Bootlegs Sessions Wednesdays from 8 Phoenix Pub Free but buy a drink, cheapskate Music at the Phoenix is a Canberra institution. On Wednesdays, the music seems more raw than usual, soaking up the darkness, grime, and the dank smell of the pub.

Don’t be afraid of the mysterious clientele who fill the place on the quietest night of the week. Everything, including the Guinness on tap, is worth it.

LIFE & STYLE//17

New Navy

Despite being in the midst of the summer festival circuit, New Navy’s super friendly guitarist, James Chave-Dubois, took some time out to chat with Lisa Visentin about the band’s upcoming gig at the ANU. Vibey guitar licks, dreamy vocals and a backbeat of punchy tribal drums, New Navy have crafted a sound evocative of escapism and coastal freedom.

A beguiling call to abandon the tedium of the daily grind, their hit single “Zimbabwe” conjures sun-soaked images of beach raves and silhouetted figures swaying to melodic floaty beats. Tapping into our nation’s adoration of coastal vacations, Zimbabwe surfed into 67th spot on Triple J’s Hottest 100. Not bad for a band whose reach, until recently, extended as far as their family and friends.

Naturally, the New Navy boys hail from pristine beach country, Ulladulla to be precise. Their road to success is paved with a delightful backstory of long-term friendship.

“We are all good friends. We all went to high school together and then parted ways for a couple of years and reunited in Sydney.”

With much of the album conceived and written while holidaying in Uluwatu, a picturesque Balinese surf spot and now their debut album’s namesake, the New Navy boys clearly cherish their downtime. James insists that sourcing creative inspiration is an entirely legitimate excuse to escape to magical locales with instruments in tow.

“It doesn’t really matter where you get away to…just getting away from everything to whole different surroundings just really helps creatively”.

Since bursting onto the national music scene through Triple J Unearthed in

2010, the speedy road from obscurity to sold-out shows has seen New Navy swap holidays for headline stages, including gigs alongside Wolfmother, The Holidays and Philadelphia Grand Jury.

And which gig rates as the band’s favourite to date? With chilled muso nonchalance, James plays the “no favourites card”, instead vaguely agreeing (at my insistence) to offer the “ANU’s O-Week gig” as a response to all future questions of this nature.

Despite their whirlwind run at success, and in a slightly sour snippet of poetic irony, the boys are yet to indulge “Zimbabwe’s” hedonistic mantra and “leave the paperwork for other days”.

“We all still work full time jobs. It’s a hard slog” James said before cheek-

ily acknowledging that headlining an ANU gig is a sure sign that New Navy have cracked the big time.

Whilst they may still be paying their dues as struggling musicians, 2012 is sure to be big for the band. James remains unfazed but hints at the prospects of another EP. “We plan to do more writing, more recording, more live shows.

Just doing it all over again really”.

And, fingers-crossed, handing in their 2 weeks notice as well.

New Navy will be playing alongside Kimbra and Ajax at the ANU O-Week Full Moon Party on Friday 17 February 2012.

Want to We’re looking for writers, artists and photographers. Get in touch with us at write for woroni@anu.edu.au or Woroni ? facebook.com/woroni

LIFE & STYLE//18 GAMECHAIR PHILOSOPHER

JIMMY BAI

A good excuse for a rationale

It’s a sign of the times, whether you like it or not, to see the latest issue of the Economist run a 10-page special report on video games. Consider a mere 25 years ago, when the first mass-market games were released by Japanese nerds trying to make a buck off Italian racial stereotypes, or American geeks letting off some steam via ultra-violence. Back then it would’ve been ludicrous to think that the Smithsonian might run an exhibition on the cultural phenomena of computer games. Did anyone ever think that the fastest form of entertainment media (including movies, television, sports and music) might be an interactive computer game in which the previous incarnation involved the massacre of unarmed civilians as its centrepiece?

Because let’s face it: computer games are on the up and up. For comparison? The final Harry Potter movie (the recordbreaker for ticket sales) achieved $169 million in its first weekend worldwide.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, released just a few months ago, achieved $1 Billion within 16 days. Not only is the video game industry well and truly twice the size of the music industry, by 2015 market projections suggest that video games will rival the world’s newspapers.

These are all good justifications for this contribution to Woroni. Because if it’s good enough for the New York Times, the Sydney Morning Herald, The Guardian or Time magazine to have a Video Games section, well then, dammit, the ANU student newspaper should have one too. But perhaps most importantly, as children of the 80s and 90s, we are

the first generation to have been exposed to video games our entire lives. Even if you don’t play, you know people who do. Even if you don’t enjoy gaming, the social and cultural impact of computer games is worth looking at. Unfortunately, computer gaming has always been hobbled by its association with adolescent or childhood entertainment. And maybe 15 years ago that was the case. But that association is misplaced in 2011.

So, fully aware of how presumptuous this makes me look, I thought I’d tap into that part of our generational psyche, and start a discussion on something I think is worth talking about.

Now, let me be clear: unlike a lot of other gaming-related columns, I’m not going to waste your time with reviews. Apart from my minor ranting that may encourage a game here or there, the purpose of this column is not really to rate and compare games on some arbitrary scale (until, of course, my thoughts become corporate sponsored and I get preview copies of the latest games, in which case I will gladly assume the position).

Instead, I’m here to stir up shit, piss people off, and give you, dear readers, a few thoughts from the dark hidden reaches of internet gaming cafes where ‘respectable’ people fear to venture into. It’s clear that a discussion on video games is long overdue, and it’s about damn time we realised that they’re not just for kids any more.

Next: Why the ‘MW’ in Call of Duty: MW stands for ‘Massive Wanker’

Dubious backpackers SAARO UMAR Backpacking is a paradox. Although debatably a more exciting alternative to a crowded group tour or a retreat to an island resort, it can contradict the expected comfort and relaxation that is assumed synonymous with a “holiday”.

Aside from anticipated annoyances, such as a relentless feeling of uncleanliness regardless of whether you bathe twice or even thrice a day and the unyielding heave of the fifteen kilos strapped to your back, the greatest unknown for the solitary traveler is the company encountered on the journey.

Those met along the way can either entice true friendship, or a friendship instigated out of desperation for companionship, even though in differing circumstances you would find that person morally repugnant.

Over the uni break I found myself travelling through North to Central Vietnam with one particularly trying backpacker.

Her two month stay in Vietnam was an exploration of each hostel we stayed in, a fair test run of each bar and bia hoi in town and an appraisal of many a travelling man.

She had perfected a routine. Her day would begin at dinner, with drinks of course, getting her just tipsy enough to want to continue the evening at whichever establishment the backpackers seemed to flock towards.

This was followed by a drink at the bar for optimal scoping of the ‘talent’, never taking her more than ten minutes to make her pick from a sea of tanned male faces.

Come ten o’clock she’d typically be on to her second bucket of vodka and Redbull, and after that there really was no

turning back.

I was quite ready to stumble back to our hostel by two or three in the morning, with tentative plans to wake before midday.

However, she would continue on until she was well and truly inebriated, blundering back to our hostel at the break of dawn with Billy or Bobby from Ukraine in tow.

Due to budgetary setbacks (having to share a double bed on more than one occasion), I found I was sleeping with everyone she was too.

Nice and cozy! And her solution to a hangover: carry on drinking. This would be all well and good were it not for the repercussions of her lifestyle.

We dealt with a stolen wallet (numerous times), a lost passport, pickpocketed cash (leaving me to sort the bill), her breaking my iPod and misplacing a bunch of borrowed books.

She also got into an uncanny number of bar fights, leaving a trail of staff members cranky and violated. Worst of all however, was her disagreeable demeanor.

Her open disdain for the local culture, customs and people was generally embarrassing, though impartial to her behavior.

Communication with her was just simply not possible unless it was after six in the evening and there was a big bottle of Tiger beer in her right hand and a cigarette in the other.

However, therein lays the beauty in that paradox: you’re under no obligation to those you meet along the way, nor is parting ways personal.

Two weeks of her bad temperament was enough for me to leave her lost in Hanoi with just enough lent Dong to get her a bowl of Phở.

DISH IT UP

LIFE & STYLE//19 3 CHEERS FOR THE ARTS

VINCENT CHIANG

PATTY DEEGAN I feel like there is a point in everyone’s life when, out of choice or desperation, a boiled egg is all there is for dinner. Let’s face it: apart from the quintessential egg-lover who consumes a boiled egg with mayonnaise daily, for the majority of us a boiled egg is the last resort when there is nothing left in the fridge.

It was just last week that I resorted to my first boiled egg. I pride myself on my ability to make something out of nothing but when you’re faced with two slices of bread and three raw eggs there isn’t much to be creative about. I guess I could have fried, poached, scrambled or made an omelette out of them. But a boiled egg isn’t only about a lack of ingredients; it is about a lack of motivation, an exhaustion of culinary skill. All you want to do is put an egg in water and boil it. A simple sequence that best captures the hopelessness of your existence.

My depressing ‘first boiled egg’ experience ended up becoming quite exciting. I had already dealt with the fact that I had hard-boiled the eggs, that they were going to be bland and the texture of the yolk was going to haunt me. Fortunately, I remembered an email my sister had sent me a couple of months ago: “How to peel an egg”. I had just returned from a course in Fiji and watching 13 other ANU students peeling hard-boiled eggs differently. Yes, there are over 13 ways of peeling an egg and some are more effective than others.

So once I had eaten my two bland eggs I took it upon myself to find the best way to peel an egg.

I was initially sceptical about the ‘blowing method’ and the thought of trying to blow an egg out of its shell was messy at first. Yet it was surprisingly successful and once I finally blew hard enough the boiled egg popped straight from its shell. Tip: Blow hard.

Recipes Curried Egg Sandwiches: It took me a while to work out what you could actually use a hard-boiled egg for (the medium alternative being much more delicious) but I finally came up with curried egg sandwiches.

1) Hard boil eggs; 2) Mash and mix eggs with mayonnaise and curry powder to taste; 3) Put on toast.

Hard-boiled egg: Cover egg in cold water (with a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda) and place on stove top, once the water begins to boil leave the egg for another 12 minutes before removing and placing in iced water.

Momofuku/Neil Perry hybrid: Warm the egg under hot tap water (this will stop it cracking) and place in a saucepan of boiling water. Boil for precisely five minutes and 30 seconds. Apparently the exact timing is crucial. Remove and place in iced water. When you peel it, keep the egg under water or have the tap running. Be careful not to pierce the white but be prepared; there could be some yellow hands.

You should get firm whites and creamy yolks.

Soft Boiled Egg: Cover egg in cold water and place on stovetop. Once the water begins to boil, leave the egg for another three minutes before removing and placing in iced water.

A wise man once said, “The merit of any given university can be assessed by its appreciation for the arts”.

Well, okay, I might have just made that up.

But a wise man probably did say that at some point, and at the very least, it’s mostly true.

As the matter stands, the arts are integral to the culture and community of the ANU. Sure, we might not superficially match our chai-drinking, scooter-riding hipster brethren in Melbourne; nevertheless, in the heart of each and every Canberran lies a similarly hipster outlook, an existential angst, a desire for creative self-expression, or even just ‘to be understood, man’. The arts provide this for us.

Band night. The Inter-Hall Musical. All of the concerts and exhibitions put on by the Schools of Art and Music.

Between all of the Thursday nights which don’t quite reside in memory anymore, these were the moments which kept us alive throughout 2011, which helped us move on, starry-eyed and brightly disposed, to our tutes and lectures.

It’s not even a problem that most of us might not have actually been performing, or even worse, may not have actually attended; what is important is that we know somebody out there is pouring their heart out in a Shakespearean soliloquy, or that at least one group of bored

Engineering students has probably pieced together a small orchestra to play music from The Legend of Zelda.

Imagine a university life where we don’t have the arts. Seems pretty lame, huh? That is why I implore that every one of us needs to take heed, to actively assist in letting the arts take life, rather than to just passively absorb their succulent goodness.

The reality is, the arts are being overshadowed in the university’s latest bid to become a ‘leading research institution’. If we don’t keep pushing our creative drives, the university may very well become just a barren wasteland of academics and bored International Relations/Law students. That’s no fun for anyone.

So keep the ANU’s spirit burning. Make the effort to support student productions, and to check out whatever funky creative endeavours are on offer at any stage.

Better yet, put yourself up as a performer. First years in particular, check out all the artsy stands on Market Day, audition for any play you see, or simply write a fanciful poem or two for Woroni! It’s all here, and the possibilities are endless.

And just remember, in letting the arts live, what is really alive is life itself.

THE THREESOME

At the end of a party late last year I found myself in a cab with a good mate, Tom, and Lucy, the girl I was seeing at the time. Tom sat in the front seat and Lucy and I shared the back seat. Whilst I have never broached the subject of having a threesome with Tom in person, we had often exchanged texts contemplating the subject.

Had it not been that I am rather fond of his girlfriend I am fairly confident that I would have raised the possibility that we partake in such an activity with my companion.

Sitting in the cab that night got me to thinking about the art of the ménage a trois. For me there is a level of fascination that surrounds such an erotic experience.

It is a game, played out by two, but danced by at least three. But as a straight male, it is puzzling to me is that I would consider getting into bed with another guy. Obviously my perfect situation would be with two women (the internet offers a seemingly never ending choice of these types of scenarios), but there I was with a girl on my left and a guy sitting in front of me, seriously thinking what it would be like.

THE REAL GAME

Last year Woroni featured an article arguing for ‘casual intimacy’. It said people shouldn’t avoid casual liaisons just because they might get burnt. Most good things come to an end, the author argued, that’s no reason not to get involved in them.

I liked the article but I suspect that one of the barriers to ‘casual intimacy’ is the way most people, men especially, engage in ‘picking up’. Incompetence with playing the game and enjoying the chase inhibits communication and causes everyone involved to be painfully aware of their objectification and leads to people getting hurt.

When I refer to the game I am not referring to the arse gravy published in 2005. That book is part of the problem. It encourages men to view women as prey to be outsmarted and conquered. A victim of the techniques it encourages cannot help but feel cheapened, used and humiliated. The most frequently employed tactic it recommends is negging: putting someone down so they feel the need to impress you. That is not a good foundation for human connection.

If we want casual intimacy and la Dolce Vita we need the opposite. We need an approach to the chase where at the end of the night both parties feel like they are

HECTOR CREVIT

I was thinking about this when I found myself, only a couple of weeks ago, having dinner with Tom and another female companion of mine, Sarah. I’m not sure if it was the pinot noir or maybe just my disgusting libido, but after my fourth glass, I bluntly suggested it.

Three hours later it eventuated. It wasn’t everything I expected… but it was never awkward, very gratifying, and incredibly pleasurable.

The undoubtable temptation is to classify me as bisexual but it is about something more than that. The gratification comes from the shared sexual experience with two of my close friends. Human beings are inherently social creatures and surely the act of sharing sexual experiences with multiple partners at once is just an extension of this. Done rightly, the art of a ménage a trios is one of beauty. The experience has led me to believe that threesomes should be encouraged, and have much more sentimental meaning than the pure sexual gratification displayed on the interwebs.

Ménage a trois anyone?

THE DREAMER winners—the girls feel they had taken the initiative and were hard-won. The guys feel like James Bond.

For that, we need people to understand the subtleties of the chase and revel in the challenge. Too often I hear men complain that a girl is playing hard to get.

Game on I say. On the other hand, girls often complain that guys don’t approach them or are sleazy. But often such girls aren’t giving good signals. It is the girl who should take the lead, though with little more than a ‘come hither’ look.

When two experts in the chase come together they produce a magic evening. Every incident is a little electric, the parties feel mischievous, naughty, sexy; poets take note of the wordplay and strippers study the body language. A mundane night of knocking back cocktails at Knightsbridge becomes ‘there was this one night…’

But such a situation can only be possible in circumstances were the individuals in play are familiar with the rules of the ‘real game’. To this end, in 2012 Woroni will feature a series of articles outlining the key errors people make and how they should behave if they want to score. You’ll learn something.

REVIEWED// 20 THEATRE

MOVIE

EXHIBITION

Dolled up

P.S. Patrick Wilson

Summer Of The Seventeenth Doll Directed by Jason Reitman

Young Adult Directed by Jason Reitman

Nurses abroad

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Canberra’s theatre scene, it can be found in all corners of this politically driven city.

Venues close to campus include: Canberra Youth Theatre, Canberra Theatre Centre, Theatre 3, The Street Theatre, and the ANU Performing Arts Centre in Union Court.

With so many locations on offer, there is no excuse for you to not be seen at the theatre. The Australian 2012 theatre season commences with a Belvoir Production of Ray Lawler’s classic Australian drama Summer of the Seventeenth Doll, at the Melbourne Art Centre’s Playhouse theatre.

Proclaimed by the New York Times as being “a cornerstone of modern Australian drama”, Summer of the Seventeenth Doll is a must-see.

(Just imagine the people you could enchant at dinner parties with your cultural grandeur!).

A synopsis of the play: for the past sixteen summers, sugar cane cutters Roo and Barney have travelled to Melbourne for the lay-off season to spend time with their favourite care-free Carlton barmaids, Olive and Nancy.

It was a beloved ritual that seemed to not have an end in sight – until the seventeenth summer. With Nancy married and out of the picture, Olive invites Pearl, a colleague and friend from work, to join her in what she considers the ‘ideal’ life.

Despite the larger than life stories that Olive has told, Pearl is unable to see beyond a pair of aging canecutters and a barmaid who refuse to accept that times have changed.

This difference of opinion proves to be a significant catalyst for conflict and the eventual destruction of the ritual.

The all-Australian cast includes actor/director Robyn Nevin as Emma Leech. Although only playing a minor role in the play, Nevin seemed to attract the audience’s full attention whenever she was on stage.

Another noteworthy performance came from Helen Thomson as ‘Pearl’, whose reactions to the rather sexually suggestive comments by ‘Barney’ provided great comedic interlude between the more serious dialogues.

Despite being almost 3 hours and two 15-minute intervals long, ‘Summer of a Seventeenth Doll’ is a play that can be enjoyed by all people who have lived in Australia.

– LAUREN KLEIN

Diablo Cody blew out onto the pop-culture consciousness in 2007 with her neatly contrived and tightly scripted (some might say to excess) break out hit, Juno. Eventually there was significant backlash against the perceived critics’ darling, and Cody’s next effort, 2009’s Jennifer’s Body starring sex object du jour Megan Fox (of Transformers fame, and now nowhere to be found), plummeted and barely recouped its budget domestically.

Cody’s most notable effort since then has been in writing a grown-up sequel to Francine Pascal’s Sweet Valley High books, Sweet Valley Confidential, released last year. The experience of immersion in Pascal’s kitsch and saccharine world clearly integrated itself into her following project, the film Young Adult.

Written and produced by Cody, Young Adult stars Oscar-winner Charlize Theron as Mavis Gary, a prom queen in high school who has since been unable to shake that mentality—although everyone else has moved on. While the subject matter couldn’t be more different, Theron’s Acadamy-recognised turn as serial killer Aileen Wuornos is subtly reflected in her performance as Mavis, a bitter and deeply unhappy woman who hides her vulnerability behind a front of mingled superiority and hostility.

It is the announcement that Mavis’ married high school sweetheart, Buddy (Patrick Wilson), has fathered a baby girl that motivates her to return to her home town of Mercury, Minnesota, with a view to taking him back. This is definitely a movie about the journey, and not the destination; and in this instance your travel partner definitely hates you. Surprisingly, Mavis’ patent odiousness is one of the film’s main strengths.

Making bilious remarks to anyone who will listen about anyone not in earshot, her caustic opinions are often hilariously cynical while managing to deftly convey a minefield of emotional issues. On a larger scale, Mavis’ belligerent demeanour demonstrates a refreshing realism that is often lacking from the majority of cloying representations of female characters on screen.

Stand-up comedian Patton Oswalt portrays the character of Matt with finesse; the kind of guy who “worshipped girls like [her]” from a distance in high school, he is now the only person she can relate to at all upon her return to Mercury. Their interactions alternate between being delightful and wrenchingly emotional.

Young Adult is certainly not for everyone. But it manages to depict Mavis’ struggles with near-certain mental illness with compassion, displaying her hidden and wounded aspects. Cody’s newest rumination upon high school conflict has proven her most restrained, relatable effort with a stellar cast* and subtly poses the question: how much better have you become since you were 18?

– ALIX FOLEY

Nurses: From Zululand to Afghanistan The Australian War Memorial until 17 October, 2012.

Open daily 10AM – 5PM.

Three bubbly middle aged women, arms linked, stop in front of me in the Orientation gallery of the Australian War Memorial. With broad smiles and puffed chests, they exclaim in unison, “We’re here to see the Nurses Exhibition!”

You know immediately from the sheer happiness on their faces that they are nurses, and that they are proud to be receiving, at last, the recognition they deserve.

The maternal vibe of the exhibition is gentler than the harsh images of war that dominate the other galleries in the Memorial. The walls are white, and carefully spaced with numerous photographs, paintings and information panels.

The soothing voices of women wash over you, relaying letters and diary entries of their experiences. The most touching visual aspect, however, is the use of large quotes scattered throughout the exhibition walls: “As a nurse you don’t discriminate, they’re all casualties” (Captain Roneel Chandra) and “Someone must care for the casualties of conflict” (Captain Gary Steer RAANC).

Highlights of the exhibition include a porcelain doll with a hand-stitched nurses’ uniform sewn by Sister Nellie Morrice for her niece Peggy, and a hand drawn deck of cards and “Bully” Japanese soldier doll, made by captured Nurses.

One the most fascinating parts of the exhibition is the video recording of Captain Roneel Chandra, who served as a nursing officer in Afghanistan in 2008.

In front of a glass case containing his medical kit, Chandra talks us through the contents carefully on a flat screen television mounted on the wall.

The recording provides a personal, up front and intimate insight into modern day field nursing, as well as the current conflicts that are the background to our everyday life.

Despite focusing on the achievements and commitments of the female gender in wars, the exhibition is, after all, about nurses, and not just women.

Chandra, a male nurse, is a distinct element in the exhibition as well as others like Captain Lewis Macleod in Rwanda.

The exhibition generates a calming vibe, like a motherly touch, and it is not uncommon to come across a weeping lady or a gentleman quietly crying. Every face in the exhibition has a story.

A lovely photo reflects what this exhibition embodies; despite having waded through dirty water and with jumpsuits bunched in their hands, two nurses smile and laugh at the camera like two young schoolgirls who have not yet seen war.

– ELISE HORSPOOL

REVIEWED// 21 THEATRE

MUSIC

Signifying something Leura Shakespeare Festival Everglades Gardens Theatre, Blue Mountains

A delicate patter of raindrops. A river of mist snaking between hills. The return of La Nina rain to the east coast forced the acclaimed outdoor festival, dedicated to performing works of the Bard, to relocate almost all performances of Macbeth and The Taming of the Shrew from the open air Everglades Garden Theatre to the Ballroom of the Fairmont Resort.

The performance of a brilliant cast was overshadowed by the obvious fact that they were uncomfortable in the space. The reimagining of the Wyrd sisters as three childlike and fey young women was an inspired interpretation that intensified the tragedy of the terrible acts of violence committed in the play.

However, it was the performances of Damien Ryan as Macbeth and Amy Matthews as Lady Macbeth that did the most to redeem the play. Their portrayal of marriage partners driven mad by their own ambition while remaining devoted to each other was a work of directorial brilliance. Matthews transformed the callous Lady Macbeth into a figure whose demise drew more anguish from the audience than many of the murders she was an accomplice in.

Ryan’s impassioned and highly physical performance was wonderful throughout his soliloquies but occasionally betrayed his role as Director in more crowded scenes. The play lacked polish, making an emotionally harrowing tragedy even more of an ordeal for the audience, but as an inspired interpretation and an example of excellent Shakespearian acting it was highly rewarding.

The Taming of the Shrew was a sharp contrast in both its content and its performance. The slapstick nature of much of its comedy allowed the actors to adapt to an unfamiliar space without revealing the slightest discomfort. The play flowed effortlessly from one scene to the next, an impressive feat for one of Shakespeare’s more confronting plays for modern audiences.

Their capable ensemble cast left it to the audience to decide whether Shrew is an anachronistic depiction of its time or has remaining relevance to modern audiences.

This delicate balancing act was only jeopardised by the removal of the framing plot from the script where The Taming of Shrew is a play within a play. While its setting in the Golden Age of Hollywood alluded to this element of “performance” it did little to compensate for the removal of the framing plot apparently due to time restraints.

That said the play was a joy to watch. James Lugton as Petruchio and Danielle King as Katharina had wonderful chemistry and their scenes together were as often moving as they were hilarious. Sport for Jove’s The Taming of the Shrew is undoubtedly one of the most enjoyable productions touring.

Sport for Jove is quickly becoming one of Australia’s best theatre companies. They run three outdoor festivals a year and one can only hope that they will introduce a festival to Canberra as soon as possible.

– LILLIAN WARD

Lonely Boys Make A Masterpiece El Camino The Black Keys Nonesuch Records

Championing raw, uninhibited, bluesy rock and roll, The Black Keys seem an unlikely duo to strive to prominence within a music scene dominated by flimsy dance beats and fragile pop ballads. But, since winning the 2011 Grammy award for Best Alternative Music Album with Brothers, Dan Auerbach and Patrick Carney have truly taken up the garage rock mantle left wide open by The White Stripes after their hiatus and eventual split last year.

El Camino represents a stunning development in The Black Keys’ signature sound. Although faithful to their musical origins, with their blues roots set solidly at the album’s core, this newest release provides listeners with a far groovier set of tracks that fall more kindly on ears tuned keener to pop sensibilities.

This new sound is heard none better than on the album’s opening track, “Lonely Boy”, which opens with a crunchy guitar riff, loaded on distortion and fuzz, before featuring a chorus catchy and lapped up by the radio waves. El Camino’s first single even experienced massive airplay on MTV; its music video, featuring nothing but an extra’s goofy but funkily retro dance moves, went virtually viral and has spawned almost as many tributes on YouTube as Beyonce’s “Single Ladies’” “Little Black Submarines” is a compelling change of

pace to the album; an introspective, mellow track accompanied by a wistful acoustic guitar that is worlds away from the band’s typical frenetic energy. The song is interweaved with stunning lyrics that show that the band, capable of more than just simple power chords and pounding drumbeats, can also appeal to listeners at an emotional level.

But, in true Black Keys fashion, the song breaks into an epic conclusion of gutsy, unrestrained vocals and a captivating guitar solo that I’ll happily admit to learning note-for-note on my dusty air-guitar. And it’s exactly that kind of album, the sort that is meant to be enjoyed at ear-splitting volumes, the sort perfect for viciously drumming along to with pencils and pens at your desk while an overdue assignment succumbs to a modern but irresistible rock album.

Keep your fingers crossed and an ear open for an Australian tour later in the year. Drummer Patrick Carney recently announced to Triple J that, despite cancelling their most recent tour dates in Australia to record El Camino, a trip down under is certainly on the cards within the next twelve months.

– BEN LATHAM

REVIEWED// 22 FILM

BOOK

Magical Ship The Cat’s Table

by Michael Ondaatje

True artistry The Artist Directed by Michel Hazanavicius

In a homage to the Golden Age of Cinema, French director Michel Hazanavicius has created a sweet, charming and elegant silent film, shot entirely in black and white. By resorting back to this early cinematic style, Hazanavicius and a cast of magnificent actors have astonished audiences everywhere.

Set in the 1920s and 30s, the narrative is centred around star of the silent screen George Valentin (Jean Dujardin). While at the height of his career and during the premiere of his new film, Valentin has a chance meeting with a young woman named Peppy Miller (Berenice Bejo). After showing her off to the press and arranging for her to feature in his new film, Peppy’s acting career begins to blossom.

Paralleled with Miller’s rise to stardom as well as the introduction of “Talkies”, Valentin’s career and life begins to crumble.

It is instantly noticeable while watching The Artist that there are unique technical elements that are critical to the creation of black and white silent films. It is these elements that have been masterfully reinvigorated and brought to the screen by Hazanavicius and in turn immersing the audience in a rich and dynamic world.

The lighting and music are two of the more outstanding features that have been mastered by Hazanavicius. The lighting in this film is beautifully orchestrated; despite the lack of colour the audience

becomes drawn into the warmth of the intricate world that is created. Complementing the beautiful lighting, the musical score subconsciously rises and falls reflecting and contributing to the emotion of the scene and its impact on the audience. This reinvigoration of classic cinematography creates an entirely different approach to the films that Hollywood has recently been producing and is a further reminder of the beauty of raw cinematic experiences that have so often been lost through the development of digitally manipulated productions.

However, the standout features of this film are the breathtaking performances by the lead actors Jean Dujardin and Berenice Bejo. Unfamiliar to mainstream audiences, these actors bring an air of elegance, humour and subtlety to their performance without uttering a single word. Particularly Dujardin, who, with warmth and fragility, allows the audience to witness and experience the characters’ deepest thoughts and insecurities.

Hazanavicius has created refreshingly original and charming film. It is this originality along with the honesty and tenderness of this film that has attracted the attention of critics and fans across the globe.

–SCOTT BOLTON You can find more of Scotty’s reviews at http://scottyandsean.wordpress.com/

Sexy, playful and strange, Michael Ondaatje’s latest novel is part autobiography, part childhood adventure and part social commentary. The Cat’s Table is a work of fiction, but the story it weaves is coloured by the author’s own childhood experiences. At the age of eleven, Ondaatje travelled from Ceylon (now Sri Lanka) to England on a large ocean liner – the same voyage that his young narrator, also called Michael, makes in the novel.

Onboard the Oronsay, Michael befriends two other young boys, Cassius and Ramadhin, and the three become inseparable despite their differing personalities.

While Cassius is a rebellious mischiefmonger, Ramadhin is a quiet, thoughtful Muslim boy with a weak heart and a penchant for condensed milk. Together, the three of them dart around the ship, discovering a world of surreal treasures, bizarre characters and clandestine relationships.

At meal times, the boys sit at the cat’s table, the “least privileged place” in the dining room, where they meet the adults who help them to unfold the mysteries of the ship. Throughout the novel, Ondaatje throws forth quick, detailed anecdotes about the characters that seem to wheel away from the goings-on onboard, but are revealed to recur in some form or another – it is like being led by a small, excited child through the secret passages of a giant house.

The Oronsay is filled with wonders: there is a garden concealed in the darkness of the ship’s hold, lit by lamps to simulate sunshine and dampened intermittedly by fine mists of desalinated sea water; there is an eccentric woman who keeps pigeons

concealed in the inner pockets of her coat as she walks around the deck; there is a condemned criminal who may only walk the length of the ship at night, laden with chains.

Without parental supervision – Michael’s only family onboard is his distant cousin, Emily – the boys roam the ship freely. They gorge themselves on pilfered food from the First Class buffet in a covered lifeboat and spy on other passengers, catching falling strands of adult conversation as they dart around the vessel. The things that Michael hears from the adults around him prove a thorough, albeit oblique, education: “At the second table one of the whispering women said, “So I asked him, “How can it be an aphrodisiac and a laxative?” And he said, “Well, it’s all in the timing’.’

What makes Ondaatje’s work such a pleasure to read is the intimacy with which it has been written –reading his prose evokes the sensation of having the words whispered against the shell of one’s ear. His language is beautiful and diverse; at times it is calm and pensive, at times urgent and brisk.

In a way, the novel is illuminating a room in the vast palace of Ondaatje’s memory and imagination. “This journey was to be an innocent story within the small parameter of my youth, I once told someone…For years I barely remembered it”. Perhaps the most formative moments in our lives occur when we are paying the least attention. Ondaatje writes that “what is interesting and important happens mostly in secret, in places where there is no power”. Certainly, Michael’s place on the Oronsay lacks status, but it is clear that every place, every experience, has a power of its own.

Reading this book, for example? Magical.

–JESS MILLEN

Canberra City Band

Welcomes Brass, Woodwind & Percussion players Rehearsals Tuesdays 7:30 - 10pm in Watson for more information please visit our website:

www.canberracityband.com Spectrum Big Band rehearse Mondays 7:30 - 9:30pm (seeking Guitar & Horns)

OUT & ABOUT // 23 The Australia Day concert held in the capital saw crowds flock to the shores of Lake Burley Griffin to see a stellar line-up of performers, including INXS and Katie Noonan. Woroni’s Adam Spence was there to shoot all the action...

Camping with friends After the excitement of O Week, uni begins for real and it is pretty normal to wonder, “what the heck should I do now?” ANUSA is providing a chance to find some answers and get to know other students just like you!

If you are about to begin a degree in the College of Arts and Social Sciences, Asia Pacific Studies, Business and Economics, Law or Science then why not join us at a first year faculty camp? The camps will be taking place from Friday the 2nd of March to Sunday the 4th, right after your second week of class (except for the Science keen beans who will be kicking off the fun from the 24th-26th of February). The camps will be a fabulous opportunity to meet the people you’ll be spending the next few years of your life with. Townies and college kids, international and domestic students - all are welcome; all learning to live in an harmonious co-existence!

These camps will be led by later year student mentors who have lived through the lectures, done plenty of cramming, survived exams and are now keen to pass on the resulting advice to you. The weekend away will offer you the chance to participate in relaxed info sessions, talks about faculty opportunities and internships as well as the chance to boogie down at themed parties, win prizes and have a crack at good old-fashioned camp activities (Anyone for high ropes course?).

Places are limited so book early! Tickets go on sale online on Friday, February 10th.

P.S. Don’t forget your costumes!

What is ANUSA? (and other questions) Well hello there undergraduate friends! You may be worrying that there is no representative body to lobby your interests with the bigwigs on campus. Fear not!

There is! ANU Students’ Association (ANUSA) is the representative body for all undergraduates on campus. We run social events (like O-week!), provide free welfare and legal advice, and represent ANU students to the university and government. Don’t forget to see ANUSA if you are struggling with accommodation, ‘the law’, academics, Centrelink or finances. ANUSA funds the ANU’s clubs and societies, we also help out with academic appeals, and run the swell student space Brian’s in Union Court. Our office is situated right above the Commonwealth Bank in Union Court and a short stroll around the corner from Chifley Library.

We’re open 9-5 every day and we love it when students drop by.

This year we want to create a fun and interactive ANUSA (that will extend far beyond the elected rep-

resentatives…that means YOU!). Be sure to check out Universal Lunch Hour in Union Court for some free food and entertainment for students every Thursday of semester from 12pm. Yeah! If you’re keen to get involved in the organisation of Universal Lunch Hour activities or any other events, why not become a socialteer on ANUSA’s shiny new social committee? If you’re keen contact Phoebe (our resident Social Officer) via our website.

Also on the horizon are campaigns aplenty about the National Concession Card, SSAF (Student Services and Amenities Fee), and transport and parking at the ANU. ANUSA is also going to team up with ANU to do a review of Teaching and Learning…this is your chance to say how you want to be taught and assessed.

Gathered info will be passed on to university committees, so make sure you track down your faculty representatives and air your gripes. Get into it!

ANUSA out.

SPORT//26

3

The Big Three of Tennis JOSEPH WALKER

The triumvirs of men’s tennis – Djokovic, Nadal, and Federer – have long enjoyed a position of supremacy over all others in their sport. Looking at the numbers tells the story. For almost 5 years they have maintained an unassailable hold, in various combinations, over the top three men’s world rankings. And for the past eight years, 90.6 percent of the men’s Grand Slam tournaments have been won by one of three individuals: that is, one of the ‘Big Three’. This 2012 Australian Open was no exception.

How long will they remain atop the pile? No one’s too sure – people point to Roger Federer’s age (31 in August) and express doubts that Rafael Nadal’s body will survive his grueling style of play or that Novak Djokovic can sustain his superhuman 2011 form. But one thing is certain– it will take time to encroach on the yawning gap in ATP ranking points between the top three and the rest (barring Andy Murray, but he’s yet to win a Grand Slam).

Even now, after nearly 5 years of dominance, the statistics are still accumulating.

Had it not been for Hewitt’s dogged battle against Djokovic, in which he managed to steal the third set from the top seed, Djokovic’s victory against our Leyton would have otherwise marked the first time the ‘Big Three’ had progressed into a Grand Slam quarterfinal without dropping a set.

For fellow competitors, this unassailable position must seem intimidating at least; for the rest of us, it is something to marvel and wonder at.

But just as the dominance of the roman triumvirs –Caesar, Pompey and Crassus – over ancient Rome was not only due to their extraordinary individual talents but also to broader historical forces at work, the pre-eminence of these three individuals in men’s tennis is symptomatic of more general trends.

The development of new racquet and court technologies, and the emergence of sports science and better medical treatment, has provided the consistency and support necessary to give elite players greater longevity.

And longevity has been the key word here. The scary thing is, that going by their recent performances, the grip of this modern men’s tennis triumvirate over their sport doesn’t look like loosening.

Open Season JOSHUA CHU-TAN

As the summer draws to a close so did the first tennis grand slam of the year – the Australian Open. What a tournament it was!

The weather in Melbourne was magnificent; thousands of tennis mongers flocked Melbourne Park to watch what was set to be another very exciting Aussie open.

The men’s rankings proved to be true with the top four seeds all progressing to the semifinals without much trouble.

Aussies’ high hopes in teen sensation, Bernard Tomic, saw him progress into the fourth round only to be knocked out by third-seed Roger Federer.

The men’s semifinals were a spectacle to behold. Absolutely amazing tennis played in the first semi which saw Rafael Nadal defeating longtime rival Roger Federer in four exhilarating sets.

As if this match did not need more heat, this year’s Nadal-Federer match was spiced up by comments by Nadal of Federer outside of the court.

Longtime critic of the overcrowded tennis calendar, Nadal was critical of Federer’s silence on the subject and was quoted saying: “For [Federer] it’s good to say nothing. Everything positive. ‘It’s all well and good for me, I look like a gentleman,’ and the rest can burn themselves.

Everyone is entitled to have their own opinions.”

Federer’s defeat meant that he has not beaten Nadal in a major semifinal for five years and a career record against Rafa now at 9-18. The Fed Express cannot seem to deliver a victory against Nadal.

In the second semifinal, longtime friends Andy Murray and Novak Djokovic faced off in what promised to be an exciting match. The first set proved to be less than exciting after the Djoker won it 6-3 in a haphazard manner. Both players did not seem to be in their groove. Then a dramatic turnaround in the second set, what seemed to be a boring straight sets match became another classic battle between these two players as Djokovic took the match in a nearly-five hour, five set match.

This set the final of the 2012 Australian Open to be between the top two players in the world. Surely, with Djokovic having just played a five setter, Nadal would be able to close this with relative ease, right? Wrong! Djokovic came out playing some absolutely amazing tennis, moving the Spaniard left and right, point after point. With almost everyone in the stadium – apart from Novak’s box – cheering for Nadal, Djokovic showed real tenacity and spirit. After narrowly drop-

ping the first set, he won the next two in spectacular fashion.

Nadal would not be written off so easily and like a Spanish toro came back fighting in the fourth set. Fending off three break points at 4-4 Nadal had all the momentum. Even after a short rain delay, he fought to close off the set and bring the match to a deciding fifth set.

The Serbian, however, was not finished.

After exchanging breaks and gruelling rallies (up to 31 shots and an average of 5.3 shots per point), Djokovic closed out the set and match 7-5, falling on his back and shouting up at the skies. These two warriors made history with the longest ever Australian Open final, clocking in at 5 hours and 53 minutes. Final score: 5-7, 6-4, 6-2, 6-7(5), 7-5.

“It was obvious on the court for everybody who has watched the match that both of us, physically, we took the last drop of energy that we had from our bodies,” Djokovic said. “We made history tonight and unfortunately there couldn’t be two winners.”

What a way to wrap up a record-breaking Australian Open. With more fans flooding through the gates this year than ever before, the start of Asia-Pacific’s Grand Slam version 2013 couldn’t come soon enough.

SPORT//27

The Return of the King Joshua Chu-Tan on Kenny Daglish’s return to the Liverpudlian fold

As a diehard Liverpool fan I felt a tingle down my spine when the return of the legendary manager Kenny Dalglish was announced. Could this be the man to finally break the long trophy drought at Liverpool Football Club (LFC) and bring the Premier League title back to Anfield?

All the hype and excitement surrounding the appointment certainly made it feel so.

Now a year later, what has changed since the return of King Kenny?

After Dalglish took over the reigns from Roy Hodgson he had in front of him a battered looking team that was sitting below mid-table in the league. This certainly was not Liverpool-esque. Then, a flurry of changes occurred at once. The signing of star Ajax and Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez brought a wide smile to Liverpool fans salivating at the thought of a partnership up front with the struggling Fernando Torres. A formidable

striking duo but it was not written in the stars as a day later, El Nino broke the hearts of all Reds fans by moving to London rival – Chelsea FC. Oh well, we got 50 million quid right? Surely this money can help buy star players with the calibre of Sergio Aguero and Gonzalo Higuain?

Wait! Never mind. Liverpool spent 35 million and bought an injured Andy Carroll from newly promoted Newcastle.

Hmmm...interesting.

Come the end of the season though, things were looking good for the Merseyside club. Kenny was able to move the team up to seventh and new signing Suarez made a massive impact on the team and became an overnight Kop favourite after scoring on his debut. The summer transfer window looked promising.

King Kenny somehow, though, decided to invest in British talent...well whatever is left of it anyway. Sunderland’s Jordan

Henderson, relegated Blackpool’s Charlie Adam and Aston Villa’s Stewart Downing were the first major signings. Dalglish splashed out the cash spending over 50 million quid. Good players, no doubt, but not great.

Craig Bellamy and Jose Enrique were snatched up late in the transfer window.

But, the biggest mystery of the transfer window was the departure of Raul Meireles, arguably Liverpool’s most creative midfielder, to Chelsea. Gone, just like that! Why Kenny? Why? This topped off what proved to be an...interesting summer.

So, how is Liverpool doing now? Certainly better than last year but not the standard a top-notched, well-endowed club should be. Seventh in the league, with a miserable home record, things could definitely be much better at Anfield. Big money buy, Andy Carroll, is

still struggling to find the back of the net and the only new signings that have really proved themselves is top scorer Craig Bellamy and left back Jose Enrique. Putting aside their recent successes in the Carling Cup and FA Cup, I would grade the performance of Dalglish’s current outfit a solid “B” at best.

Since Kenny Dalglish’s return, the team hasn’t been as good as many fans hoped it would be by this stage. Some questionable signings and managerial decisions and the Reds are still dangling outside of the English Premier League’s top four.

Dalglish must admit that the current team is just not good enough. Worldclass talent must enter the club...and soon! For us supporters, we’re just hoping that we can finish watching a match feeling fulfilled, for a change. Well, King Kenny came, he saw, but Kopites are still waiting for him to conquer.

Local Sport ANU Student and member of the ANU Cycling Club, Catherine Culnevor impressed the Australian cycling community by winning the silver medal at the 500m Time Trial at the recent 2012 Australian Track Cycling Championship held in Adelaide. Catherine, who came in with a time of 35.616 seconds, also took out the bronze medal in Keirin, behind Olympic and Commonwealth Games Gold Medalist, Anna Meares.

LETTER TO MY ALIEN JAMIE FREESTONE

WELCOME TO READERS

I hope you’ve had a thrilling summer, ducks. Mine was simply darling. I had my kitchen replastered – whatever that means – and consequently got to cast my eyes over a never-ending procession of half-naked gentlemen of foreign extraction as they frolicked around in my plumbing. But now I’m back, I’ve freshened up my sherry, and I’m here to attend to all of your prolems social, political, sexual or otherwise. So if you’re weighed down by a problem, chances are Aunty Flo will know just the thing to set you straight – just send a missive my way.

Kisses Aunty Flo woroni@anu.edu.au

Hey Gzorgax, Sorry, it’s been ages since my last letter and I hope all is well in the Gliese 667 system. These days everyone in my country seems to be really interested in the election happening in Earth’s dominant nation, America. It’s the election before the main election for the US presidency; this secondary election is called the presidential primary election. It’s to see who will battle Barack Obama for symbolic leadership of the executive and actual leadership of the UN. The contestants are pretty interesting and the guy who’ll probably win has the name Mitt Romney: neither of which are normally names on planet Earth. He’s this dude who’s in a race to look more conservative than all of his rivals.

This is an interesting challenge because he’s up against a guy called Newt Gingrich (newt isn’t a name either, it’s a kind of animal with similar physiology to your people) who postures as being the most family-values oriented, anti-elite of the bunch, although he did marry his former teacher, suggest an open marriage while divorcing a later wife, has a PhD and is a member of the elite.

There’s another guy called Rick Santorum. Rick is short for Richard, even though Richard is normally shortened to Dick, but I guess that might have been an embarrassing name so he probably thought he was dodging a bullet there. It’s moot anyway as “santorum” has become a byword for a substance that can result from anal sex (kind of like if you stuck your spawning rod in one of your mates’ obverse cloacae). Also, he took his dead foetus home and had his living offspring play with it.

There’s also Ron Paul, but I think he might be from your planet so maybe you know him already.

This might sound like a strange collection of people to be running for a conservative party nomination and it looks like Romney will win. The thing he’s got going for him is that although he doesn’t play with foetuses, have a PhD, or have a name which, when googled, yields more results detailing mixtures of sexual lubricant and human faecal matter, he does belong to a minority religion. I’ve told you about Christianity, well basically Romney’s a Mormon, which is a special kind of Christian that believes the basic tenets of mainstream Christianity are not sufficiently bizarre to test adherents’ faith and so supplements them with stories about magic underwear and the Garden of Eden being in Missouri. The Mormons are at core a group of hard working and self sufficient people who marched into the desert and somehow made a life for themselves in harsh conditions, thriving to the extent that they refused federal aid during the Great Depression. This combination of impressive conscientiousness and astonishing gullibility make a Mormon the obvious leader of the modern conservative movement.

Anyway, let me know how things are on your planet.

Yours earthily, Jamie.

The first time I ever had an orgasm, I remember thinking, “If this is what all the fuss is about, I think I’ll stick to macramé.” It was only a year later that I realised that what I had experienced was not in fact an orgasm, but was instead an allergic reaction to an nasty insect bite in a place the Lord would prefer me not to mention.

My point is, life is too short to wait for your husband to sense your needs on his own. Schedule regular training sessions for him. Provide constructive criticism. And if you need a little outside assistance – those new-fangled GPS devices will apparently allow a man to locate practically anything these days. Buy your beau a TomTom, and let the good times roll.

I certainly do know what you mean, and thank you bringing this delicate matter to my attention. When it comes to baptism, my opinion has always been that allowing an unbaptised child near one’s breast is itself sinful, but I’m not sure whether this is actually something Jesus said or whether this was just something I read in Christian Breastfeeder Digest.

My boyfriend bought me an iPod for Christmas, which was really expensive.

I’m thrilled to have an iPod – the problem is, he filled it up with a special ‘mix tape’ of songs he thinks I would like. Would it be wrong of me to delete them and put my preferred music on the device?

– Music Snob With A Guilty Conscience Yes, it would. Instead, what you should do is take his iPod, wipe it clean, and fill the thing with Celine Dion’s collected works. That way you will both be unhappy, and improve your relationship by the tried and tested method of mutual suffering.

ASK AUNTY FLO WORONI BOOKSHELF

In his new column, Jamie Freestone writes a letter to an alien friend on a planet far far away...

I’m a fortysomething lecturer with a great job, two young kids and lots of friends. Life is great – except in bed. My husband has become unimaginative and brief. How can I raise such a delicate issue with him?

–Aching For Loving

How young is too young? I think you know what I mean.

–Young At Heart

The Back Page

FRIDAY THURSDAY Disabilities Brunch 10 – 11:30am at Student Space

New to ANU? Concerned about how your disability might impact on your studies?

Worried about a new social environment?

Like yourself some free breakfast?ANUSA and the Disabilities Collective would like to invite all students - both new and current who identify as having a (dis)ability to a free casual breakfast.

Game Show Adventure Time 11-2pm at Chifley Meadows

The first ever ANU Universal Lunch Hour will be kicked off by CRAZY FUN SHOW HAPPY ADVENTURE TIME!, ANU’s very own Japanese-inspired live game show!

Watch competitors from each residential hall and college, and different Canberra districts, jump, slide, eat, pull and jelly-wrestle it out to become ANU’s first SUPER HAPPY WINNING VICTORIOUS LEADERS!

Food Coop Free Lunch 12 – 2pm at the ANU Food Coop

The very popular Lunches at the Food Co-op are back this year, in our new home on Kingsley Street! To celebrate, the Environment Collective will be hosting a FREE healthy, sustainable and delicious lunch for students on “day”. Get in early to make sure you don’t miss out! We will be back the week after with our ordinary prices of $4 for students and members of the Food Co-op and $5 for everyone else.

Univibes Goa Beach Party 2 – 6pm at the ANU bar

Univibes is hosting their very own Goa Beach Party – the best way to start off your Thursday night festivities. Jump into a bikini, chuck on some board shorts and pull up a deck chair for an afternoon of laid-back beers and epic tunes.

Hamish Blake Oration 6.30pm at ANU Bar

The first ever Hamish Blake comes to ANU this Thursday, bringing his lyrical wisdom, timeless charm and super attractive fan base.

Head over early as this will pack out.

ISD presents The Amazing Race 9am -4pm

The RACE is here! ANU’s own Amazing Race is back. Come join up in teams of 6 and share the thrill and excitement with your friends. It’s a great way to both explore Canberra & ANU and at the same time while fostering greater friendship with your team mates. Sign up at ISD booth in Union Court and Manning Clark Center during Orientation Week to experience the most amazing race ever to happen in Canberra. No worries if you do not have a team of 6 yet, you can sign up as an individual and we will pair you up with other individuals who do not have a team.

Wu Shu in Union Court 10 – 11am

If you’re feeling a little worse for wear and need to realign your chi before the Full Moon Party, we’re holding a Tai Chi session in Union Court to start your day. Mum always said that exercise was the best cure for a hangover and the O-Week directors agree.

Get your dragon pose on.

Women’s Collective Self-Defence Class 11am – 12pm at Student Space The ANU Women’s Collective would like to invite you to participate in a free one off beginners self defence course for women.

Sport and Recreation Association presents Lunch Time Sport 12 – 2pm at Willows Oval (North Road)

Come and Try some of the sports on Friday of O Week and win some prizes! Sign up (individuals and teams) on Market Day at the ANU Sport stall.

Women’s Collective and the Food Coop Present Clothes Swap

In the need for a bit of a style makeover?

Got some great clothes you no longer wear?

Bring them to the Co-op and exchange them for new ones! Clothes swapping aims towards building a sustainable fashion industry, with past-bought, no longer worn clothes swapped for others via a ticketing system. Tea and snacks will be provided!

Contact Tarn at Co-op.Clothes-Swap@ gmail.com for more details!

Queery 4:30 – 7pm, Queer Space

Straight, Playing Queer” that’s all about being LGBTIQ at Uni. Queery’s a great way to use your brain outside of class - they never fail to be fascinating and challenging. It’s being held in the Queer Space - there will be snacks and drinks, so feel free to come along and talk your head off or sit back and chill. To find out more about it, and how to get the Queer Space, email sexdep.anusa@ gmail.com

PARSA Welcome Cocktail Party 5pm – 6:30pm, Graduate Lounge, University House

Join PARSA welcome new students at our Welcome Cocktail Party on Friday 17th February at 5pm, Graduate lounge - University House. All Postgraduate Students invited!

Free drinks and nibbles will be provided.

RSVP through the PARSA website.

Roller Derby 5:30 – 10pm in the Sports Hall

Every wondered what this whole ‘roller derby’ shenanigan is about? The girls from ANU Roller Derby are here to answer all your questions, and throw a few elbows around the rink in the meantime. ANU Roller Derby will be giving an exhibition match in Union Court, and they won’t be playing nice. An epic spectator event for all.

Mooseheads presents Full Moon Party 7:30pm – 1:30am at Union Court 2000 people, world-class acts.

Offical after party at Academy featuring Bombs Away! Free entry with Full Moon Ticket ANU Film Group Movie Night 8pm at the Coombs Lecture Theatre Don’t like glow paint? Neither do the ANU Film Group, which is why they’re providing an alternative to the craziness of Friday Night in the form of a movie night to end the week! They will be showing Contagion followed by The Hunter from 8pm.

Night of Naan 6 – 10pm at Union Court

A relaxed Thursday evening event, Night of Naan sees Union Court turned into a night market, with ANU Clubs and Societies and local businesses providing a multitude of sub-continental dishes for you to enjoy, ranging from mild to wild. Traditional Bollywood dancers will be there to add the theatre to your dinner, with henna painting and homemade masala chai tea to boot!

Mooseheads presents Mr ANU 7:30 – 9:30pm at ANU Bar

A wholesome evening where ANU men wow the audience and judging panels with their wit, intelligence and talents…lol jks, it’s a man-pageant. Check out the pecs, tally the specs and see who is deemed worthy of the title of Mr ANU, and who is found wanting.

Don’t forget to listen in to WHAM every day in Union Court!

Woroni’s new radio station will be streaming every day of O-Week live from Union Court - come along, listen in, and say hello!

Tune in at www.woroni.com.au

“Let a thousand facial hairs bloom!”

WORONI P U B L I S H I N G