Eating Out With @anu_food_reviews

INTERVIEW BY ELIZABETH WALKER

@anu_food_reviews is an anonymous instagram account reviewing all the culinary delights the ANU Campus has to offer.

I met with the mysterious figure shaking up campus food culture on a characteristically grey Canberra morning. They are punctual, friendly, but clearly mean business. While pillow creases have barely faded from my forehead, they have been up for hours.

We rendezvous at Coffee Lab, where my offer to shout drinks is turned down with a knowingly raised eyebrow. Of course - a student of fine tastes. I should have known.

After exchanging pleasantries, we get into the meat of the food review scene.

What is the most profound food experience you’ve ad on campus?

It was about three-thirty in the afternoon, and I was with a friend, dying for a coffee. The only place open was this (they gesture to Lab). Coffee Lab is okay, it’s about the same level as Coffee Grounds to me.

On this day, I could see that the staff were just over it, and had already started cleanup. I ordered a mocha, and took a sip. It was the worst mocha I’d ever had.

I’m not actually that picky about coffee, I don’t waste food, I don’t really care if the beans are burnt. Maybe if the milk went bad, only then I would care. But this was seriously. The worst coffee. I’d. Ever. Had.

It stirred rage. A profound rage. I’ve never been that angry over food before.

Realistically it probably wasn’t that bad. It was probably just three-thirty and I was tired. But it was disappointing. Like a 79 when you needed a high distinction. Disappointing.

How do you prepare before going into a food review stuation?

I do my research. I look into their menu and decide what I’m going to get.

If I know what I want to eat, it tells you more about the quality of their customer service, if I can get exactly what I was wanting.

It’s all a mind game.

So what is your standard practice when in the venue?

I don’t tell them I’m reviewing them. I get a good view to observe what the waiters are doing, the conduct, the cleanliness, give it a full vibe check.

Has reviewing changed your relationship to food?

Oh yeah. I look more into the details, the taste, the texture, the overall presentation of the food. Also the pricing, what kind of value you’re getting for money.

Has it made you pickier?

I wouldn’t say pickier, but I’m more critical of the effort that goes into it.

I take notice of what is on the menu. Like, if I’m at an Asian restaurant and they have pizza right next to squid on the menu, that’s interesting to me. Canberra is getting better. But it is a work in progress when it comes to authentic food, value for money, diverse tastes, and good service.

What’s your biggest red flag at a restaurant?

Oh, Jesus, there’s a lot. Maybe if it’s empty except for one weird person sitting in the back.

The thing is, because I’m such a quality reviewer, I’d never go to places like that (laughs).

If you could describe yourself in a food, what would it be?

Deep-fried ice cream? That would imply I’m cold on the inside… But hot and delicious on the outside. I could be a burger, maybe. Tasty but not entirely good for you. And there’s so many layers to it, different variations.

Do you have high aspirations for the future of your food reviewing career?

As in, would I pursue it as a career? I would - I feel like I have developed the analysis level needed to review food professionally. You know, with all my academic critical thinking skills. As an ANU-taught thought leader (laughs).

Are there any food trends you see emerging on campus, or things you would want to see more of? More catering for vegan and vegetarian audiences is always popping up.

I’d really like to see more student discounts.

And more 24/7 places. Kita in Narrabundah is a vibe, but I hope that a night cafe in ANU goes ahead. Give us a damn nightlife, or at least give us somewhere we can eat safely at night!

Can you give us a recommendation for a hidden gem on campus?

La Baguette, in the Art and Design school. Even their “small” coffee is basically a medium anywhere else. Their baguettes are fresh, and you can choose your toppings. The cakes are good too. There’s a waiter there with a French accent - so it feels really authentic. It’s very wholesome.

Finally, on an all-important note, what is your hangover cure?

Kebaba HSP. It’s a go-to.

And just like that, my time with the Canberraborn Bourdain drew to an end. Forced apart by impending lectures and group project meetings, we go our separate ways. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Check out the Instagram @anu_food_reviews if you’re hungry for more hot takes on meals in and around ANU.

Or, look to the corners of your favourite cafe on campus. You might just see a certain student, surveying the room with a discerning eye. You might notice them taking a picture, and eating their lunch with carefully studied forkfuls. With any luck, you might be watching the admin in their element.

You probably won’t spot them at Lab again anytime soon though.