The prudent Newsqueaker of Whoopie Tech Spree Day, 1976
Voiume 200, Number 0
1_.1 law declared at WPI
twPINBl - War broke out last week at
ell nditionally conservative school In the '-' of Massachusetts. Led by revolting members. hundreds of students 11M liken up arms and lege and have .-npted to over-run Pointing Hall and _. their provocative, insulting, and .,rJtt degrading pinko philosophy down 1111 dvoets of this once calm campus. adng British common law as precedent, fllidlnt Hazy, de8cended loosely from • lloblfity of the hou~e of Hanover, -..:1 himself George IV, emperor of the .....,.,, and Crown Prince of Washburn. lllfrY Davis was named hot air apparent IIWid In this move was the ,.. llllizatlon of the campus inNCurity, the llllrY tcience department, and the crew •Into one matter fighting unit; known a Huy'a hard-upe. All of the military llilnce dlpertrnent was placed under the dlc:M wings of the more experienced _ _, cops who were all promoted to tiM ci ttneral. The crew teem w• ....., ID protect the rear In the campus IWfmmilg pool. The joint chiefs of staph • midi up of the honorable Generala ..., Groggy, Rutglver, Van always SIOnld, Dasher, Prancer, and Vixon. Dadgar Cherry was made propaganda ...., and ordered to make up .arne of ,_"cute little leafleta" he is so good at W• bfolle out in ,..,on• to the clr· lllllllng rumors of tome "muter plan" Oli;nldng In Pointing Hall. The following L4 IIIia plan would be mandatory for all -.nts expecting to get a BM degree college. (See releted ~ton. and ..,._on page 3.) The revolting faculty hoping to ln.plre fllltUdents to throw off the yolk of op~
r..lhla
preulon set up the committee of academic warfare to study the problem. All was quiet until St. Chet Klllua appeared on campus and denounced the plan as the work of the devil. At this point the WPI N~Mor•Libel Society started a rioting rampage toward Pointing Hall. They were stopped by crack admlnlatratora who charged them to death. Upon effecting the martial law, Emperor Hazy aeeled off all of the dormitories with raw sludge from AI Welaa'e catalysla reactor. Ellsworth-Fuller hal eeceded from the main campus and organized their own militia; a right guaranteed under the campus constitution. The name of the army Is the Ellsworth-Fuller Fighters Organized Retaliation Team (eff·ortl. Headed by the brilliant taotlcien, eff·ort has managed to keep Hazy's Hard·Upa from crossing Institute Road by erecting a giant picture of Howard Hughes. It facee the re.t of the campua. EvetYtime an . . .ult Ia launched by Hazy's men, the plctu,. Ia unveiled. When seeing thla epparltion, all of the generals take to their kn..., face we.t to La Vega, and etart preying; whereupon the eff·ort confuse them by throwing out three dollar billa. General Butta was overheard to exclaim, "Gee, with ell this loot, I'll be able to buy the joint." It has also been learned that certalr elements in Stoddard Hall have gont underground; forming the relative!~ unknown Stoddard Liberation Army. Their symbol Ia tha eight heeded g~rter snake. In a epeech to his troop~, Emperor Hazy said, "Don't deepair.'' T~ emotional and dramatic appeel wee made to 8tem the rising dileention In the rankt of hla aubordlnat•. This was caueed by the unethical conduct of the war by the eff·ort lm-
A limey's eye view by GeoH SIHzy Wll, love, here we are again, me with 1"f bleeding wit writing thla shOrt piece of '*'bla to emaze and baffle thoae of you liliil no wit, and to tum the re.t of you ._against my anc.tral home, San lllgo, home of ~ Lime. Reelty though, I • '"-tent to write Of1l a eubject the1 hat itlly amazed me since I've arrived an< llllllllhlng that I've only recently lell't'MMt to
cope with. That Ia the arnazilg preponderance of gigantic boeorna In America. Thla Ia clearly a demonstration of your Individual llbertlel that should not be ignored In this Bicentennial year. It has been the cultom elnce the eerly tlmealn Europe that the social stature of 1 women w• marbd by the size of her
[cont. to page 41
Photos by Blights Mllngler
Emperor Hazy Incognito mediately after the epeech, Hazy declared a truce with honor, with General Baldwin, and diverted his attention to the mora immediate problem of Olin Hall. It seems that this hall contained the vanguard of the organized resl8tance to "The Plan." It was here that the triumvirate rule of Co-Chancelldra Knt, Void, and Macaroni, inspired by the prolific pinko philosopher, Sloe John An. put up the wom fight. Undaunted by the tona of raw lludge dumped on the building, Kin, Void, and Macaroni ce>-ordlnated what has now been labeled the "wet offensive." Driving beck the Hard-Ups with old ray guM left over from the reeeerch by Or. Frankenltein in
the attic, the OUn Attackers cauaed gigantic zits to appear on the face. of the Hard-Upe. While engaged In this tactical maneuver, the forcae of the life science department were brought to bear in the form of a bacteria strain that cau.ee maaeiva wetting of the pants when Inhaled. At the time of the filing of thla report the battle Ia stHI reging. The lnhabftants of Olin Hall have put sandbags around all of the entranc• to the ltructure. Thera appears to be a reel danger of the building sliding down thl hln Into the Hlggla &tate due to the muetve wetting of the foundation by the Hard-Upe. This news bureau wtt1 keep you Informed a it gets mora Information from Dodger
Cherry.
A limey's rebuttal by Bry~~n SlxFoot in co/Mbontlon Mlith And~Crenky
It .,_ become apparent that the bulk of studenta on this campus have come to regard the whlmalcat and almoet tragic rantlnga of our poor lick brother of the land, Geoff Sleazy, ae typical of the Englt.h
pen. This misconception mult be dispelled, or other exchange etudents tMJrely wiU not be welcome here. My colleague and rnyMif after con· aultatlon with a ltrange mllrtUra of Gulnneea stout and Southern Comfort have
(cont. to pllge 4]
Final 76-77 .housing The following recommendation was given to Deen Rutglver on Friday, Feb. 13.
BLACKS
Tha Blacks will not be guaranteed housing In Stoddard to preserve, In the American Bicentennial spirit, racial discrimination.
101. On.half of the glrla would be uppercleamen with low priority Bancroft lottery numbers living in Pointing Hall because they have experience. The gina living In Bancroft will not be allowed to also reside in Pointing 101.
COEDS
STODDARD
Coeds will be guaranteed housing In the renovated Bancroft tower with all girls on either the second or third floor. The glr1s will be removed from Stoddard B so u to make room for the Venealans. whoae oil Ia paying for more tulip bulbe and concrete benches than the girls are. If there are more girts than those wishing to live In Bancroft than physically posaible, there will be a lottery with the firat 75 living In Bancroft and the rest stuck In the Skull Tomb. A lottery will also be held to determine room deference. If more girls that require housing then can be housed In the above said manner heretofore the following will come about: the all girl floor in Bancroft will be reduced to a regular co-ed room and the additional girls will be placed In Pointing Hall Room
If there are more turkeys to live In Stoddard than it can tolerete, there will be a lottery to determine who has to put up with them. The lottery may be entered by a aadists with another student In order to try for a double or by a masochlat who can try alone for alngle. Thoae singles that are to be housed In Stoddard, but are engaged will be paired up to make double if they stilt desire a room. Those atudents that lived together this year and didn't gat caught, may have the same room back. E-F: This set of buildings, Ia to be knocked down as part of the Cities Reconstruction of Lincoln Square to be complete In 1987. Signed, lumpy Saccarine Dorm Committee Doorman