1992 v20 special

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The Student Newspaper of this Institute

April1 , 1992 A.D.

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NEWSPAPER

Aprll1 , 1992 A.D.

As a public service Newspaper is proud to present the first in a weekly series of nonrepeating, nonterminating decimals, Pi: 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986283482530421170679821480865l328230664709384460955058223 1725359408128481 117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233786783 1652712019091456485669234603486104543266482133936072602491412737245870 0660631558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133053054882046652138414695194151160943305727036575959195309218611738193261179310511854807446237996 274956735 1885752724891227938183011949129833673362440656643086021394946395224737 190702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669405132000568127145263 560827785771342757789609173637 1787214684409012249534301465495853710507922796892589235420199561121290219608640344 18159&136297747713099605 187072113499999983 729780499510597317328160963 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Page 3

NEWSPAPER

April 1, 1992 A .D.

POSSIBLY NEWS

An article with nothing to do with the campus center

by CoL SaiUitn Ntwsp~~per St4/f

This article is not about any particular topic (Campus Center). It is your plain generic article (build Campus Center). No hidden agenda here (Campus Center). No politics, no upset students. no meetings that overllow rooms, j ust a bunch of meaningless words (we get a lot of those). I could talk about all sons of things (Campus Center). We could discuss the weather (stinks, indoor Campus Center), the NCAA (TV lounge in Campus Center), student activities (Campus Center), student organizations (Campus Center), sex (why not?), or other various topics. But I feel no need to talk about things that would involve every aspect of student life (Campus Center). We could talk about building a third Mechanical Engineering building (Campus Center) thot we so desperately need (Campus Center). I would really like to see a third ME building built

(NOT) that would ever so improve the life at this Institute (Campus Center). But this anicle isn't supposed to have a theme (we want a Campus Center). We could talk about our beloved Provost, and President (don't we pay their salaries). So I will continue to ramble on about nothing in panicular (is anybody getting the point). UMASS lost (I bet they have a Campus Center) to Kentucky (bet they have one too). That was a because of a bogus call (not unlike the one not to build a Campus Center) by an official (is that anything like a President?). But I have to give the players (students) credit for trying really hard. Brown beat Clinton in Conn. (Clinton opposed Campus Center). Bush is on a roll (Buchanan wants an ME building). The problem is nobody really likes the choices we have for President. But we still can vote, that is what makes America great, the people decide what they want for America (not at this Institute). So that brings an end to this anicle without a message (Campus Center or die).

MYSTERY GEEK CONTEST for Morons

Identify this GEEK brother and win absolutely nothing, except maybe a chance to get into one of our super-cool parties! Be the first moron to approach this mystery GEEK and identify it by name to win the "prize".

Height: Very Tall Major: What?

Hometown: Small Town Hobbies: Answering doors, shaking my head Music:Organ Likes:Deep voices Dislikes: Normal things

"GEEK allowed me to be myself and belch and tart and be a general pig without being judged by my brothers. If you like to belch and tart and eat Beerios while watching Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, and hang out with drunken slobs on a fairly regular basis (or be one yourself) then come to our house. See how way-cool we are/"

INSTITUTE MEN -A DISCUSSION (of what pains in the as they are and how they irritate women to no end with their hopelessly irrational behavior and total callousness to our problems and their cluelessness to life in general and how they never send us letters or flowers or anything personal and how (god forbid!) they should show any fucking emotions and how all they want is sex, fucking, and sex, and how they can stand dirty laundry everywhere!!)

Some Future Day, April something 4 PM, Generic Hall Sponsored by the She-Woman !Man Haters Club

Campus Center Plans Unveiled

by Ray Reagan

ldiot-itt..Chit/ The President of the School released his visionary view of a proposed Campus Center last week, pan of an overall plan to realize the School's Two Towers concept as Two Towers with some Tunnels.

In the proposal. the President foresees a Campus Center as an extension of the widely used and diversity-enhancing tunnels, which upwards of 8 or 9 people around the campus know about. These tunnels would be expanded somewhat to interconnect all of the School's residence halls. ln this way, says the President, "Students could interact on a much lower base....and yes, even eanhy level. Plus, research indicated that here is no way those damn bricks could be inoorpornted into the project."

Faculties in the tunnels would include foxholes for campus organizations. small garden plots to be run by FAKA,small rocks and twigs.

When reminded that this would not really create a center to promote diversity, the President responded: "Yes, I realize that - but think about 11. What they're calling for is simply oxymoronic. If something is diverse, by deli· nition it is spread out and non-uniform. Seems to me that a center implie-. a circle. which is about as uniform as you can get. And besides. the Two Towers with Tunnels concept meshes nicely with the School'-. and my own long-.tandmg policy of tunnclvi'>ion:·

Response to this plan so far has been confused, not unlike the President. An immediate reactionwaselicitedfromSwill.however. They will reportedly demand "another neato place to meet around in that nobody else can use" if the plans do go through. The Provost Office is currently being explored as an option.

The OffICC That Asks for Money From People Who Used to Go Here has also developed a proposal for the new Campus Center. Predictably enough. a brick building is their overwhelming recommendation. Newspaper, however, has teamed of a major schism within the offtee which nearly grounded the proposal completely. Deba1e raged for severaJ days over whether it would be more aesthetically pleasing to position the inscribed bricks to be viewed from internally or externally. The lnnies and the Outies were deadlocked until a larger issue came to the fore and temporarily shelved the debate.

Pointing out that since the bricks chip often less than a year and would not be monared together for fear of a discordant brick-inscription pattern, severnl committee members urged a push for more of a temporary "'Campus Center". As this notion gained acceptance, it became apparentthot such a structure would be constructed one brick thick. In this way. each brick could be inscribed twice, satisfying both the lnnies and the Outies. Thus, the Office That.... Here announced that the bucks would effectively go both ways. In a possibly related development, BeLeagured has thrown its full ~uppon behind the plan.

New fonn of faculty evaluations by 602·78-4899 NewSJXlfHr Staff

Another professon:rag1cally bn the dust y~er­ day m what ~ become a violent national trend.

Profeswr Nu Not Ting, a B1ology Professor at CaiTech. wa.<; declared dead at the l!Ccne of hi~ lecture hall at 3:20 after Mudcnt.,, upset with hi'> lecture that day. repeau.:dly thre~o~; rocks and other object'> at ProfcSl.Or Ting. Th1\ is but the l:l'ot of a M!nes of Profc:.sor beating by d1!.gruntled tudcnL'l throughout the nation. V1olence agamst profeswrs ha.'l occurred in 20 \tate\, and at over 50 Umvcr;itie'l throughout the country. To date, 17 have been killed and over 70 injured.

Universities around the country have been Mcpping up their security for professors. Many <ochools are advising their profes-.ors not to go out alone and to use the buddy system whenever possible. Kent State University has even called out the National Guard to protect the people from its angry students.

It all appears to have staned in a smallteclmical school in New England after o gag aniclc was run in the student newspaper about the medieval practice of beating and even killing professors for lectures that the students deemed inadequate. In those times students paid by the lecture. Ifthey felt that the lecture was good they paid the professor.

If the lecture wasn't they didn't pay their professor. But if the lecture was extremely bad, just stunk up the whole room and wasted precious student time, students would bombard the professor with rotten fruit. physically beat the professor. and. in the ITl05l severe cases. throw stones. It is known that several professors of this time were even stoned to death.

Students are upset. "It's Darwinism, man, survival of the fittest, if you can ' t teach... BOOM!!!...you'regone. Man, weare just helping nature out alinlc bit," ZipOid ofOuck U. was quoted as saying. Long Dong Silver (think C. Thomas)said, "Hcecey,lamjusttryingtopick up

fresh babes. Moning profs is just another way to meet ·em." Others blamed the economy. " I am paying $20.000 a year for this. I want my money'1> wonh.yaknow. lwantto beable togetajObwhcn I get out. I thmk C\'eryonc should pull the1r own weight. ya know. administrdtioo to, ya know.

Let's get the Financial Aid officers next. g1ve me a Pell GrantoraMonc foryou.yaknow."'!aidSean Penn. who finally 'llep foot on a college campu!> to film a movie (of couN:).

Not all student\ agree. "'Exsqueczcme. \tones and Profe,...oo.. Shiieeagh. somebody better be gerting hazArd pay," 'ilated Wayoe Campbell. A quick vi it to Au To Ay. a local Fraternity. on "Cheez-Whiz"' night reveals that some students are outraged by the whole thing. "h is j u.\t...ju\1.. wrong. Professors work hard. What right do thosc...those mon<,ten. have in harming my prof~. You should respect, admire, and even. yes, even love your prof~· · Richard Beagle was quoted as saying. Barb E. Doll, or a local sorority. offered this insight, "these students are merely expressing their pent up frusmUions over their inadequate obility to learn advanced concepts.''

This violent trend seems to be demonstrating tudents anger with the system. They see this endless black hole of ever escalating COstS that they have to pay. Students seem to bedemnnding their money's wonh. Many have expressed frustration with administration and the board of trustees governing their schools calling them out of touch and anal retentive.

Reached for comment, Institute Provost, K. My Butt had this to say, ''Theydkln'tcall me anal retentive, I am not anal retentive. You do not think I am anal retentive do you?" lnslitute President Lobod O'Me said this, "When I was in college we had other ways of getting stoned. Kids today just need to open their minds more. what are things coming too."

No one knows just which professor, administrator, or university employee will be the next victim of this violent rampage.

YO! UNDECIDED MAJORS! Come to the OPEN HOUSE at the Place-Where-You-Can-Choose-YourMajor-And-Thus-Trap-Yourself-In-ACareer-That-You-Will-Hate-and-BeMiserable-In-For-The-Rest-Of-YourDays!

April 1st (maybe), 4 PM ish

NEWSPAPER

Page4

Challenge Yoanelf I'm tired of discussing serious topics that need to be addressed on this campus and then geuing no responses.

Does anyone out there reaUy read thi1. or think that I might have a point?

Why don't you challenge yourself to write a leuer instead of fostering the idea that you are all illiterate engineers who attended this college to get away from all of those liberal arts classes. Don't you know that engineers write more than other people do? Don't you care?

Since I'm so disgusted I'm going to dedicate the rest of this column to giving you ideas on how to really challenge yourself.

First off, to all of you couch potatos out there, why don't you challenge yourself to run from one end of your room to the other. TWICE. After that you could crnb walk aero s the quad.

On second thought maybe that's not such a great idea since it would auract seagulls. (The pigeons and squirrels are bad enough).

Next, to all of you ROTC people. why don't you challenge yourself to climb up the side of Harrington and rapell offthe top. That would be much more fun than watching you try to rapell down the hill by the football tield. You call that challenging?!

Even I could do that without rope!.!!

Now. as for the Newspaper staff, why don't you challenge yourself to put out a meaningful paperevery week that someone might be interested in'!

Nobody reads the paper anyway. as evidenced by the tack of respon\e I don't get to my column every week.

Why don't you print thi!. sucker in Teohnicolor. Oh. I forgot , Sucfunds stole all of your money.

Oh, and what's with th1s 3 cla.c;o;e1. at a ume stuff anyway. D1d you all attend thl'!school becauo;e you couldn't handle a full load of 4 cla!.~es at a time like most other schools do'! I mean let's face it, it's easier to worL. on 3 cla.\ses rather than 4. I don't want to hear any whining about the fact that you actually take 6 clao,ses per semester or that profes!>ors go faster since they only have 7 weeks to teach you all of this Muff, that's bull! We all know that you are too stupid to survive in the real world. I mean what are you gomg to do, tell your boss that you can only do half a project at a ume because you don't know HOW to work on a lot of projects all at once? Why don't you all challenge yourself to tranc;fer out of here and go to a real school where they take a real number or real classes?

I guel\s that's just about all I can think of to complain about this week.

Tune in next time for another exciting put down of the Institute. Until then, Challenge Yourself.

Just do it.

-Niu

Aprll1 , 1992 A.D.

EDITORIAL

A kinder, gentler April Fool's issue Well, here we go again - another year, another April Fool's edition the day after a real (well, semi-real) paper. So, to explain, this year we 'lOri of decided to move this ediuon towards some kind ofrel!pectability -you know, pull it out of the gutter, maybe go for some true satire or at least parody.

Hell, we didn't even call an administrator some borderline-slanderous name.

Now, of course, the few people that maybe picked up this edition (the only one anybody might read) won't like this one either because you might have to thmk about some of the Muff to understand it. So you'll pass it off as a weak year and hope wmeonc " rescues" it next year with some profani ty , lewdness. and general bod ta~te, To those people. we have this to say: FUCK YOU! We bust our ac;ses trying to overcome apathy and our own wortc to put out something that. to

a tirst approximation. re:.embles a newspaper. Most of the time it doesn't work but HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU KNOW? The few times we are able to go the extra mile with a really well-done story. do we get any response? Any intelligent debate? NO! All we get are nit-picky fucking let· ters to the editor, bitching that so-ando missed the slight inverse connotation of his third and most recent response to an article that wasn't even fucking written by a member of our staff anyway. GOD DAMN IT. no one gives a good shit!

How do we fill 12 pages every week then. you say? Well, with 7 or 8 page~ of ads, of course. You know. if the dumb-ass advertiser!> would ever figure out that no one gives a flying fuck about this newspaper they'd all pull out, we'd have no money - we could sell all the fucking equipment

down here and have a three-weeklong party and general cluster-fuck.

AND INVITE NONE OF YOU! Tell you what. copy down the names of all the adverttser. :md caJI them yourself. !>ave us all a '>h1tload of grief.

We also print two stupid-a.ss pages ofclub and greek comers. Every single week. WHY? THEY ALL SAY THE SAME THING ! ALL of them- week to week. frat to frat. club to club.

WAKE UP CALL: no one reads them except the people that are mvolved m them, and no one else cares!!!! Why the fuck bother? We could always use the extra space to print the reams of bull hit that "'e get sent to U'l every week. You know when we say "Well, we 'II print it if 'pace permits."? What we want to say i!> "NO ONE CARES ABOUT TillS GARBAGE EXCEPT YOUJ YOU STUPID BASTARD · AND AS GOD AS OUR WITNESS

WE'LLROTIN HELLBEFORETHIS SH ITGRACESTHEPAGESOROUR PATHETIC LITTLE NEWSPAPER." Newspaper i' uo;ed as a whinefe'>t : " Waaah, my article had a typo."

"Waaah, my anicle wa'ln 'ton the front page." "Waaaaah. why won't you accept 11 three-page submission 5 and a halfhoursafterdeadline?""Waaaaaah. you printed our greek letters." PISS OFF! FIJI is Phi Gamma Delta, FUI is Phi Gamma De lta, FIJI IS Pill GAMMADELTA!!!Yeah,weprinted it - big fucking deal...

Computer's down, viruses everywhere, scanner·., broken. hacked budget, Encore's fucked, "no A&E on the front page", "can you cover this seminar'?", " I only read the classitieds". "my club comer's missing", "why'd you change the banner'!", "I only read the police log''.............FUCK IT ALL! I'm going to play Risk...

LETTERS TO THE IDIOTS IN CHARGE

FAKA: the saga continues To be11er umler.rrand the po.winns ofthe differe/11 pumes in1'0l1•ed in the lare~r runnill8 debate in Newspaper. ll't' ha1•e arranged the letters 111 order.

Tlus sen't'S to fncus greott'r altt'fllion on their impenahle logic and .ftimulating dehate ..... (not):

polymer cafeteria tray!!-which brings me back to my original point ...oh. 'lorry- I' ll digress again. Your Mama.

To the idiot:. l would like to express my dl'>plea!>Ure with the recent dec1.,ion by FAKAtoswitch from dark browntrJy!> to a cheesy blue color. As an ln\lllute student on the meal plan, I feel this would seriou~ly affect my dming pleasure.

The dark brown ha.c; a w hduy. an organic earthmes~ that remmds one of the bountiful feast in fron t of you. To switch would indicate an inherent policy of change and left-wing r:tdicalism designed to pull U!> from our ba!.ic engineenng roots as purveyors of the status quo. Remembersame:good. different:baaad.

Finally, as a typical Institute student, I think !~>peak for moM of us in <;aying some homosexual foreign woman must be behind this bla.sphemy.

For your informnuon. polymers are formed from organic compound-..

BLUE RULES! Pisc; ofl JCJitn JonrJ

A

re.~idelll

nf W.A.S.P. Hmtle

To the idiot:

did not.

A residcm ofW.A.S.P. Houu

Who started this? l don't remember...

1\ rcstdrm of W.A S.P llo11se

did 100.

To the 1diot:

John Jnnes

To the idiot: You did

Jn/111 Jnnes To the idiot:

In the -.pmt of my prev1ou:. anicle I have challenged my!>clf to \Hitc anotherMicle for the Newspaper. Imagine that, 2 anicle), in one week!

Get up. Go to a cia\\. Check your mail. Clean your room. Do your laundry. Flame stuptd people on wpi.test. Eat "a meal" at FAKA. Chug a beer. Take the batteries out of

your remote. Make the pollee log.

Run around the track. Just do it. Drop and give me twenty! Paint FUGI rock! Go to all your clas!>CS! Cra<>h a frat pany! Clean your plate at FAKA! Get up before noon!! Read the entire I'> ue of NEWSPAPER!! Read the enure issue Without falling asleep!!!

Do a keg :.Land!!! Get a life!!!! Go to your eight every day this term!! I! Hey

Look pal, "orgoruc" and "earthy" are not synonyms-relating to a similar basic image yes-but not redundant.

Inorganic matter can stm be eanhy, Mr. Jones. For ell:ample, dark brown

you, Hey what. Getltud get fucked!!!!

Steal the brick with your name on it!!!! Sled down Boynton hill on a greased coo!tic sheet!!! I Here we are now. entertain us!!!!! Run around the track 500 Urnes!!!! 1 Bungee JUmp off of the Wesl Street bridge!!!!! BUILD C AMPUS CEN· A TER!!!!!!!!!!ll!l!!!!!!!!!!!!l!!!!!!!!!!!!!!l!!!!!

Challenge yourself.

As you may remember there was quite a controversy over the theft of the swim team banner. In the latest series of practica l jokes some unidentifled person filled the pool with nitroglycerine. (Suspected is the team's coach) Here is graphic footage of the demise of a hapless swimmer as he explodes on impact with the deadly liquid in the pool.

Memorial ervices will be held in Greasie's next week. The body will not be exhibited du e to its disapeara nce following the accident.

We apologize to the parents of the victim who will never see their son again.

To the id1o1:

To the idiot:

rune in ne.\1 wee~ as we see lww long the editors will he Mupid enough to pr1111 \hit no tme t'ares ohow 011\'II'U)'.~ Same NEWSPAPER rime.

Samt> NEWSPAPER rltan11el.

Challenge Yourself again

A residem ofW.A.S.P lln11se -supported hy rite majority of the minority which I rrprestnl

In response to theW .A.S.P. House resident bitching about the proposed change in tray color. I'd like to refute M>me of his cla1ms while beginmng to pull the debate irrevocably away from the issue at hand and towards namecalling idiocy and personal affronts.

The change can only be hailed a.<~ a victory for right-thinking FA KA goers across the campus. "Organ1c earthiness?" Why d1dn 't you just put it a djfferent way and tell the truth: THEY LOOK LIKE SHIT! And, incidentally, Mr. W.A.S.P.(since you didn't have the balls to sign your name), "organic earthiness" is basically redundant and indjcates your inherent lack of debating skili.(Notice I' ve almost completely eliminated the tray debate-hah!)

JohnJonu

To the idiot:

HEWSPAI'D STAFI' PHOTO I CAMEilA U!I'IS!

NEWSPAPER The Student Newspaper of this Institute Box 9999, Big Ugly City, State 12345 Phone 1·900-you-suck

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The ,.... peper ollhe lnlttiU!t. lonnef1y BoobiWMII . lotmtt1y Nudllpeek. tormerty IAwdspHII, hQ betn published when weteef IN MdunnO !he ICtdemlc y.- excepc dunnO c:oltgt vacallOnS. -who-knows when .......,.,., hu betn ~on teeyc:l«j P i l l * - (yeah righl) Le!t~n~IO !he tdl10t IIIOUid bt typtd (~spaced) and tnu11 c:ontMllhe typtd Of pnnled name ollht 11/lhot t1 well as lilt ..nhllf'a11Qt1811n and~ number lot vtnfuloon ~ Milm.m.ng lellllfSIO !he tdl10t lhOuld put lhtlr class at1tt lhtlt name Of no~< lhtlt death upon citcoYtty Faculty and slalt should not sutmt ll1ldM lor !tar o1 r~ Ll~ dtemed libelous M tneltvlnl 10 the Colleoe '"''' bt publllhed, a~ Olhenl Wll be tOSS«!

The tdllors resetVo me tight to odllleltllts IM II'ICIOfrod punctuation and wrong &peUing lanarw 10 lha editor ata duo by 8;00 a m on IM Sundly preoedlng !he last day '""" a full moon In tho month Send them 10 lht North Pole or bnng them to !he Nrwtpeptr ottlce, Deaii\SIIr 03 AI other copy (INa Includes electronic ~. dasuieds. gnttk and dub COf'*S) ,... not bt p!.tllllfwd un1061 needed 10t lj)8C:t Mitt We ..orvelht rigttl 10 wntt our own copy AI adt must bt pllid in lui btlort IUbmlsloon Artldts may bt _,. VII tho tiDit< or by mlllong them 10 Bambi Tht ~ • wriQin by I rnembtr ot "*''btt'' ollht Ntwspefltr Ill" II daa not - . l y rtllecl tho~ Of lht enbrt .......,.,.,., alall (we,. .. no1 h l cynocal) PMiong .. dont K II~ out nghl ~ ~ • $2.000.000 00 ptt-'-' yew, lingle CIDpiM 10 CIO'Its (you IIQU<t outfit rna!h).

PageS

NEWSPAPER

Aprll1 , 1992 A.D.

NEWS TO US

New Project Opportunity Students. tired ofthe ..ameold bonngschcdule? Sick of 50 minute classes. one hour to three hour labs. help !>cs,ions. suff, IQP. or MQP'! Or arc you ju~t sick of this entire damn college!? If so, the ProJect Center has JUSt the tJ1ing for you. A new Project has been set up with intelligent Drivmg In Our Trucks School (IDIOTS). For your regular I scmestertuition. you can team to drive a true~ and actually be ju t like truck dnvcrs you see at the greasy dives or in the big trucks with the loud hom. In just seven week!\,you will leam to even talk CB language. Prof. lma Trucker is now 111king students who arc interested in doing their suff.

in CB. The Institute strongly encourages tudents to gain valuable learning experiences through actual expcnence. What n better way to leam how to drive a big truck, talk on the CB at the same time, pick up hitch hickers, stomach greasy and gross food , swear. drink lots of beer and still drive. how to properly give someone finger gestures. and how to recite the Gettysburg Address wh1le burping. And what' even better. you will be taught by actual truck drivers with over I0 years of experience. No graduate students teach you how to drive a truck.

BULLSHIT

S.P.A.G (Students Pretending At Government) The S.P.A.G will he adding several more services. to be placed m the office.

Spawned by the positive re.,ponse to the muial serv1ces. S.P.A.G formed a "Neato Dodget" committee to invesugate the many and varied possibilities. Though decisions are not final , Newspaper has teamed of the tentative plans through a reliable source. Ed. NOTE: Certainly not, howel'tr.from memhers ofthe staff also u n •t as S.P.A.G memhtrs- that would ht on incrtdihle conflu 1 of mterest. Any self respectinR. 1•iahle lltll'spaper which .. wauld....hmmmm...saotch that (layout-ma/..t sure you edlf this o111} .

According to the ~ource . identified only as Sourceman, S.P.A.G. will shortly add pinball machines and Pac-Man. a coffee machine. a ~tudent

stamp machine which gives stamps equal in value to the amount of money depo!.itcd (an MQP had to be commissioned and funded to design one ince none existed). a gumboil machine with a rendering of the proposed campus center on each gumball, and various mechanical hor.;c and car rides purchased used from a K-Mart.

S.P.A.G. members predict widespread support and usage for these newest addition'>.

They are also stressing looking to the future with new space hopefully aJioued after the construction of the campus center. they will reportedly add bungee jumping. a mechanical bull and a velcro wall.

S.P.A.G....... working for you!

,

Inside Grappler's Viewpoint of Wrestling For the Wrestling Enthusiast This article is solely wriuen by me and if this aniclc has any connection with my jerk roommate 's stupid wre.,tling column then it is not my fault . This anicle has absolutely nothmg to do with what Sid write .

Sid: Who are you calling a jerk'! My art1cle ll> not stupid.

Andy: Oh yes it i:.!

Sid: Shut up! I wibh Hulk Hogan would put you in a double \ uplex and then pick you up and slam you into the mat in a Bo\lon Cr.tb ~ilion!

Andy: Oh yeah. Ric Aair ~hould put you in a tnple nelson and hurl you into the audience.

Sid: This is really mature. arguing in the campus newspaper, as if Newspaper readers don't have anything better to read.

Andy: Get out of my article! Write your own!

Now onto real WWF bus me.,, Nick " I have big muscle!> but no IQ" l l u~~y won his match against Joe " I make gross bodily noi~cs" Piper. Even though it was a clo!>c match alithe through. Nick llu~key cam through at the end a\ the champiOn. Sid: You arc reall) stupid Andy. TI1e only rea\On l lu\ ky won wa\ becau\e the \tUpld offic1al -.aid it wal> that way

SPAG Budget Meetings will be held on April 1st at 4 PM in the Budget Meeting Place.

Decisions on what groups will get funding will be made, as . well as whether to give SUCFUNDS 50°/o of the total SPAG funds, or the 75°/o which they so richly deserve.

Music Review ) . Fletcher Trudy Yurs

Not since the Machine graced the acoustic:. of llarrytongue Auditorium ha~ this Institute experienced such mu .. ical genius as was heard 10 Greasei's Place la'> t Friday. Although the performance of local band Do We Care? wru. mUl>IClllly nawleS'i. the !>hOW Wll!> marred by controversy. Scheduled to appear at 7PM. the band did not ~how up until II . The inebriated guitamt took to the stage. adomed in useles~ metal appendage~. and apologized for their tardmess. When que,11oncd by SucFunds ofliculh. 11 wa!> found that the band wa-. late becau~e the> were cclebratmg at u BarMill vah for their manager' <; COU'> In ·., nephew\ fnend. The gull:triM c laimed to be intO).ICOtf"d in protc~t to thctr manager·~ removal of hb fac1al ha1r.

Anyhow, the pcrfonnnncc began ut II : 30 before a packed crowd with a di~>proportion atcl> high number of Franc1.,can Monk'>. The fir<.t set opened wllh o ..ong that they were too lat.y to name. Dunng the chorus. an unidenu fied man. known only a.. the AnitFioyd. ~hollled out a derogatol) comment about Syd Barret. At which point. the guit:lflst threw hi!. axe at him (no Eugene, not his guitar. h1 ~ AXE!). He then per.onally escorted him off the prcmi'it!S, went to the bathroom, ordered a 16 mch Greal.ci\ Special for only $9.15. and returned to the stage without even mi..sing a beat.

Dunng their !>CCond '>Ong "Gemtalia Man" the band exceeded Ki._~·s world record a:. the loudest band in the world 'Tnis elicited on

armed respon<;e from the Fun. Under the direction of the Captain and the Legend, the band's security guards. garnished in black robes and carrying skulls. formed a wall of interlocked arm<. l(l hold the office~ at boy and prevent the disruption of the performance.

Throughout the inte rmission. the keyboardi~t held up a quarter and intoned 'ome strange chant. That ·, all we remember.

Their second l!et began with the powerful anthem " Without Rca,on." In the middle of the song. the bas\i~t. dressed in a nun's habit. tore off his gown and nearly incited a riot. He exposed black. thigh-high. fishnet stockings, a garter belt, black lace panties. and a -;exy mpple-lc~s bra71er. At thic; point he began to gyrate hi\ h1ps m a lewd manner and make obscene facial gestures. Outraged. a local French Friar '>IOmled the '>tage from the back of the room and bludgeoned the ba.ssist with hi~> crucifix while ~creaming. "YOU ARE Ti lE ANTICHRIST!" The band picked up tempo and made a tran<;itlon into Wayne and Ganh •., " Pam Ca,e" ("...that's what happen-. when <.omeone bludgeon<, you ... "), During their somewhat psychotic clol>ing number''lnfinite Senes.'' the drummerhccome a victim of spontaneous human combw.uon. I guess that 's what happens when you hire a drummer from Spinal Tap. All in all, our final review is: "We loved it.

It wru. much better that Cats. We are gomg to 'iCC them agam and again and ..."

NOTE: Do We Care'?keyboardistmdued by grand jury for practicing mass hypno'>i'> wuhout a license.

• •••••••••••••••••• •• •••••••••• • ••••••• • • • • DisclaimerDisclaimerDisclaimerDisclaimerDisclaimer • • •• • • • •• •• The Newspaper is a fake. So Chill. ..

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WOMEN AT THE INSTITUTE -A PERSPECTIVE

April1 st 4PM Generic Hall

Sponsored by Students Who Think The Institute Needs More Women

NEWSPAPER

Page6

April 1,1992 A.D.

CLUB PORN D.E.M.

MASK

Well,anothertenn, andanothersetofprojccts which look very promising. But first, some highlights from last tenn ....

The pollution of the ponds in both Institute and Elm Parks is nearing completion (1 wonder when the Chern. department will catch on).

Many of you may have noticed the dying reeds lately. I have been assured tha.t by the end of this tenn, we will have dumped enough chemicals to render these potential landfills lifeless for at least 500 years. The forest fire committee successfully staned 8 fares in Worcester county lasttenn, a humble start. but k.eep up the good work. 1be deforestation and greenhouse committee successfully raised over a thousand dollars in the tlushathon. to be invested in CentraJ and South American cattle production. ...and of course who could forget the ream panyatBeMie's, where we successfully opened over a half ton of paper and randomly spread it over the campus before breaking into various buildings and bringing aJI the recycling bins we could find to the quad for the biggest bonftre s ince we burned that tire pile in Jay's junkyard last September that made the T .V. news. Ahh, l love the smell ofbuming plastics.

There are lots of fun things going o n this term so remember, leave your lights on, and join the Destroy the Earth Movement in doing some really cool stuff.

Oh my God. a Mask club comer! Oh my God, it got in! I don' t believe they printed it!

Oh my God. Newspaper actually printed our c lub comer! I don' t believe th is! Um. ahh, umm, I can't think of anything to say....

Ummm, show this weekend, cast party aft.e rwards until dawn has come. Um. be there especially if you're in the play.

OPA Meeting tonight, find it if you can.

............................ .........

This means nothing.

Pointless sentence.

No one wiU understand .

Huhh?

Inside Joke.

Ins ide joke.

Res ponse to ins ide joke.

Another pointless sentence.

Random nonsense I don' t get it Me eithe r Why not?

I get it.

You Do? Ya. Who's getting it.

Dave and Craig I guess.

Dawn hasn't come?

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Who said that?!? dsfgdfsgkjhgsdfedvsbsdfkuygdf!

This still means no thing.

You read it all?

S.P.E.W .

Are you tired of being blown off by wo men who are obvious ly less attractive than you are?

Are you s ick of being looked at as a cute little teddy bear or just a pla in idiot? Does all the talk of THE INSTITUTE ratio malce you sick? Are you tired of being manipulated and pushed around by women? Does all that fem inis t nonsense drive you nuts? Are you just plain s ic k and tiredofhearingabout PMS? Then join us. SIUdents Protesting fo r the Elimination of Women.

You know, wo men think that us men o nly want the m around fo r one thing. Well. we' re he re to tell them that we don' t need them fo r anything. Join us. S.P.E.W.

SUCFUNDS Welcome back everyone! We're pleased to anno unce that for the third straight year.

SucFunds has spent as much money as oil o the r ~tudent organizations combined. SucFun~ has some g reat money burning activi ties planned for this term. so don't be left out. Stop

by the SucFunds office and pick up a couple bucks for yourself, or maybe suggest some other money burning sche me. We've already paid $300.00 a piece for this terms Wednesday night videos which you can pick up at Store 24 fo r $ 2.50 a night, and given Bob $500 buc ks to play his acoustic guitar in Greasie's (aren ' t you glad you decided to take that guitar Jesson Bo b).

Stay tuned for upcoming Suc funds events like U2 next term. -of course they won' t show, but we 'll get to print up really cool posters!

SWILL Next meeting: Can ' t tell you This terms agenda: Sorry it's a secret.

Interested in Joining? Tough.

U.M .T .N.O.E.H.O.S. The Useless Majo r That No One's Ever Heard Of Society is holding a meeting a bout what to with a completely useless majo r besides teaching, on March 31, at 2:00. Please show up, anyone?

z WE'RE STILL LAST !!!!!!!!!!

GREEK CORNER

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SUCFUNDS PRESENTS:

The Unknown Comicl

Who knows if he'll show up!

0

Wednesday, Paril 1 The Pub 4PM

r , •

NEWSPAPER

April 1, 1992 A.D.

~•

Page 7

HOLY SHIT, MORE NEWS (continued from page 1}

SWILL activites uncovered

by Little man tale

Newspaper Staff

In a story that is still breaking. Newspaper has stumbled on the secret activities of SWILL. theseniorhonorsociety. Administration quickly clamped down on all press coverage. but some of lhe facts and a ton of rumor are available.

Last Thursday. several edilo~ left the News· paper office around 4:30 a.m. (they were printing their IQP and MQP, using activitie!>fec funded equipment and paper - HAH!).

Later that morning. another editor encountered the grisly 'iCcne documented by classified photographs: A dead SWILL member, apparently the unfonunaie victim of a night of drunken idiocy in the outer lobby of the Newspaper office - though the Fuz1 have not ruled out the trademark whack on the back as the ktlling blow.

The sheer horror ofthe scene was magmfied

by the shock of how close to "home" it occurred. Asked if he was aware that SWILL had apparently been holding their rituals there for nearly two year<~. the editor replied "Well. now rhat I thmk of it. a lot of black-robed people were asking to use the dark room at odd hours. but I just figured it was an extra precaution for developing. Hey. I don't know what's going on here - just ask my staff. I only have thb job becauo;e no one else was dumb enough to take it while Kangaroo is away. Everybody's real nice to me - sometimes they even make me think I'm in charge or have some control over what happens. Hey. would you like me to get you a cookie from Grea~ei '!t while we're talk.mg.?"

Campus Fuzz have detcnnined that the individual in question (the dead one) was particularly out of control. pointing to Ule fact that he actually consumed Gallo wine and half a Greaset'!t p1zza. When the possibility of a

frame-up was brought up. the Fuzz replied "Well. we don't know about that - the Big Ugly City police are handling the investigation."

Calls to the Big Ugly City police were inconclusive. A Sergeant Dickhead infonned our reporter that " You're just a bunch a morons

with your thumbs up your asses who think you know what you're doing. And if I feed you some bullshitline long enough, you 'II go away."

As a final note, shock waves rippled throughout the campus as SWILL amazingly declined comment. Go figure.

Fine Arts Presents Cltlt:F ENCINF.Io:R I NEWSPAI'£1t STAFfi'HOTO

Editor Ray R eagan looking for the pulse of a dead SWILL member

"A Really Special Movie" Wednesday, April 1 The Big Hall

4PM

And still more Pi ...

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(~Pssst!

There's not enough text!" "Then put in a really big logo!")

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SUCFUNDS

1~1821~1l&i&'il

Tune into future issues fore, the square root of2, and the Alden renovations...

One-man-band symposium announced E = MC2 Entertainment for the Mentally Challenged Campus

A very important person will be speaking today at 7 PM in Kinkyslut Hall. Herbie Schmittlap, perhaps the best known OMB (One Man Band) of our day, wiU be giving live demonstrations of his skills. The father of the "anal trumpet," Schmittlap has entertained and informed thousands nationwide with his patented sphincter technique. So come on by and admire what many have called "the most talented anus of this century."

CLASSIFIEDS Wanted: Military class Oamethrowcr.

Needed for pest extennination. Contact your roommate Who the hell is Joe? (Aust. kangaroo) Horny sophomore with 15 inches seeking any Institute babe. Contact box 666.

Jerry Brown, Democntl,looking for Connecticut re!..idents to move to other state!.. within next few weeks. Call the 800 number (you memorized it by now right?) for more infonnation.

Bookstore he lp needed. Must be able to change prices on a daily basis. Apply at bookstore desk.

Rho Alpha Tau pledges get psyched!

WANTED: A woman. Please apply to WPI. Lone Iy white male looking for bedroom company. Must be quadruped, wellgroomed, and have more than three stomachs. Bells and ear tags are a definite tumon. Call555-1212 and ask for Bill.

FOR SALE: Used anal trumpet. Like new!!! Entertain your friends at parties.

Email: trumpetbutt@wpi. wpi.edu. lnstitute students: Make money! Pimp your roomate. Healthy and clean students preferred, virgins a bonus! Call 1-900YEA-RITE.

r--------------------------, Newapepw Will run daadleds lr.alor II WPIIl1udenls. IIIQIIIy. &lalt. QWMPS. wedgerN. Cillo residents. Mel tmallarm IUIIINII{as long es 1hey CIOITie wtth tb:k•) F,.. dusdaeds are filMed to e1x (23)..,.. Alii Ola eclucalional nature and a lonQif INn SIX Iones tnolll be peld IOf at lhe 011 campualeducatiol tate OIIWO ~~ices of pz.za lor lhe IWSI Silt linM and 50 <*II$ I * lddluon.lline Clastlflecl ldllhould be paid tor tn advance. or ~'I have 10 bnbe !he edilor lor ''" MW All intonnahOfl which. In the oplrioo ol the Newepeper edrtOtS. Willlelentdy an lncliYidual to the ~munlty wtH be pllnled In a pettonal ad. eapeolally lhallnlormallon wtlloh IUQOOS1S sexual habits. The editOtS reMI\Ie the righl to refuse any ld deemed to be In good Wle or from 10m11 -ority oongraiUiating their letow slalert lor tpelling the1r nam• correclly.

The de~~dine tor a Ia noon on lhe Ftlday before publicallon. or Monday. ommedlately alter pub8cation.

All clusiled eels mUll be aocompa~led by til wntet'a niiM.IddrMI. MXIHII pr8fererlct, ~size. and~ rvnber

Name

Phone ____________

Address_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Total Enclosed$ _ __ Allow only 30 characters per line

L--------------------------J

Aprll1, 1992 A.D.

.

Monday, April 1, 1992 I 0:45 pm: EMS called to Greasei's to remove axe from man's chest.

II :31 pm: Big Ugly City Fuzz requests Campus Fuzz backup in terrorist/hostage situation downtown.

II :32 pm: Campus Fuzz denies B.U.C. Fuzz request. Unable to respond due to malfunctioning Uzi water pistols. Offer of moral support not well received.

Tuesday, Lirpa 3, 1999 9:03am: 83 year old Worcester resident reports mangled student body parts in her backyard. Reports charred limbs smelt strongly of nitro-glycerine. Campus Fuzz responds. body parts rushed to Greasei's for memorial ceremony.

3:23pm: Fuzz stop snowball fight on Quad. Violators advised that their bus passes would be revoked if they picked up snow again, sentenced to clap chalk dust out of erasers.

4:21 pm: Malicious Mischief: Fuzz alerted to imminent stoning of professor in Kinkyslut Hall. Fuzz check lecture notes, decide to hurl the first stone.

5:43 pm: Report received - fraternity rocks have been switched. No one cares, no one advised.

Wednesday, Month II, 111#11 8: II am: Officer Doolittle reportedly drinks one too many Friggin' Donuts' 46 oz. coffees, goes on caffeine rampage. Begins indiscriminately advising helpless students. Caffeine high wears off.

Officer advises self and continues on his way.

Thursday, Hi, bow are you?

All day: Ever notice no one does anything REALLY stupid on Thursdays?

Friday, April (1,000,000)' 8:07 pm: Call reporting MASK members operaring backhoe in attempt to complete Alden renovations. t I :56 pm: Noise complaint. at fraternity of your choice. Fuz.z attempt to advise. brothers cite new closed party policy, evict Fuzz. Fuzz confused, take donut break to revalidate selves.

II :59 pm: Silence/sobriety complaint. Residents of special interest housing call to report unwanted individuals "not contributing to the generally loud and obnoxious behavior". Students pass breathalyzcr test and are removed. Funnels and beer distributed.

Thursday, April I, 1992 2:34 pm: Bunch of bullshit articles submitted. All accepted so we don't actually have to write anything ourselves.

3: 17 pm: Eight new past-due notices arrive, discarded immediately for Jack of relevance (and money).

Friday, Random month and day, Some year 8:30am: Dead SWILL member discovered in office. See related art1cle.

II :35 am: SucFunds ads arrive a day late. Berserk ads editor storms SucFunds office with assault riOe and sawed-off letter opener. Bloody carnage ensues.

4: 15 pm: MASK club comer "lost". Weekly excuse fabricated.

5:30pm: Barrage of late articles begins. All told to screw.

8:00 pm: MASK presents The Complete Works of Bill Shakespeare in Greasei's - show deemed unworthy of coverage.

Saturday, 4th Month, Anyday 12:00 pm: Editing begins.Heated game of Risk develops.

12:01 pm: Greasei's break. Petty cash fund drops below $1,000.

2:06 pm: Editor-in-chief snaps, runs screaming through Riley yelling "Death to dangling participles!" Frantic phone call placed to Australia.

2:07 pm: Domino's break. Mental note: bacon piu.a sucks.

3: 16 pm: Editing completed. Editors start to pretend they have lives.

3:22 pm: Sports anicles arrive. Sports editor plays Risk. Sports editor shot dead. Editor applauded.

Sunday, And they saw that they had created, and they said " It's mediocre."

10:00 am: Layout begins. Staff of 100 assembled.

10:02 am: Friggin' Donuts break.

I :30 pm: Layout completed.

I :35 pm: Hungovereditor-in-chief arrives. Suggests reorganizing front page. Graphics editor shoots him dead and is immediately proclaimed editor-in-chief. No one notices the difference.

I :36 pm: Pizza and Risk break.

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT FOR THE ADULT AUDIENCE

Awesome new housing options The year before last. IIOL Y CHRIST! College set up a residence hall noor that has since caused react1on in the ~urrounding schooh. includ10g Institute. Yes, it d1d involve co-ed l>hower:., but abo includ..:d a o;ub~Lance tone.

What do I mean by \Ubstnncef! Drugs. alco hoi, whipped cream, and ..,mol..mg wa., not llnly

Breast Haiku fresh tasty and warm they might sag but i like them organically grown lumpy bumpy breasts yeah! silicone is the best! they cause cancer? so?

encouraged. but actually required on this noor.

Residents arc required to hold at lea't one keg pany 10 thc1r room' per <>cmcstcr. and Illicit substance-. are especially encouraged.

Onginally. the pmgram wa., for women only, with 38 spaces open. By laM year. however. the pmgmm wa.., expanded to an entire l"e'>ldcnce hall. Five hundred men and wmncn \lgncd up for the pmgrnm. and there " now a waiting lt<;t of up to a )'I!<Lr to gam entrance to the program.

Begtnning next year,1l1e Institute will offer a c.,1milnr program, " 11h two new hou<.mg altcrnauvcs. A -.ub~tance nllOr. and twcnt) fuur hour no1'c tOne. Quoth one htgh I'"Jnl..10g Jn,titute bureaucrat. ··someth10g new and eliCit lOg i happening with on campus hous10g next ycnr. few schoob in the country ofler lhe~c kmd~ of opponunitic., to their 'tudcnt~:·

The Unknown Comic was caught in the act by our own talented Photography staffm l.mber, Bright Lighting, (we a lways knew - - - - • tbe Oashlight on his head would do some good some day). Here we see the Unknown Comic staggered by the bright lig hts as he is interrupted in the middle of his s how. As you may have noticed elsewhere, the Comic wasn't supposed to show up for another week.

We caught him performing his act for a packed house full of air, dust, chairs and four walls. Will he s how up again? Was he so offended that he'll blackball o ur College forever? Have we lost the finest entertainer of our century? Tune In sometime for the ongoing saga of THE UNKNOWN COMIC•....!

This is Spring Break.

This Is Spring Break here.

Currently th..:r..: is one .,pecial intere,tliving opuon available to undergraduate<;- The WASP hou,e. The WASP hou~e is an all male. re'idcnual facility open tn all white. Anglo-Saxon.

Prote~tant mule:.. The Mudent\ whn choo~e to live here have nn intcre'>t in rac lul, religious. and American nauonnl ...ccurity i"ue.... Many a heated d1:.cu,,ion ha' ari,en over Archie Bunl..cr rerun\.

1 he 'tudcnt'o living 10 the WASP hou-.c also contribute to the WPI community by providing progrnml> with a highly b1goted pcr-;pcctivc.

Pa" programs ha\e mcluded; ··oav1d Duke a... the 'cc..ond coming of Chri\t,"'··Ronuh.l Reagan.

The gr..:atc.,t man \\hO ha .. ever laved'!'" "'1\uke lrnq.'" '"Nuke Iran.'' '"Nuke Libya.'" ""The cold war won't bcoverull hell frcete~ ovcr;···Nul..c P.111ama we don' t need those southern lotatel> an)'way.'' and "'Nuke 'em ull."

vnlue~.

Studenl'o ch(')(l'>lllg to ltvc m 'pccial1ntere~t hoU',mg must 1>ign o contract agreemg to abide by the guideline' rcqu1red to 1mplcmcnt these programs. Add111onally. for Mudcnt., ~clccunp. to ltve in the WASP hou..c or on the \Ub\tance floor. a scpcmte application proce.,., will be held pr10r lo the {!eneral hou.,ing "ampcde.

From :

Got a toothache?

Then come to Dr. Dr. BandyWendy's Office!

We can fix it right up!

Then you'll be smiling again!

'vVOVvl

State of the Art Equipment Quality Care Lots of Novocaine!

Dr. Bendy-Wendy 500 Route Canal (OtlnnoiiMdlt me e1o •1

Big Ugly City, State

Any questions?

The need for these new housing alternatives determined by an cx ten~ivc study by the office of HaJ'Ing and Repres..cd Life. The ~tudy rccie"ed an overwhelming re,pon\e from the student body with nearly JOCI} ofthc-;urvey"s returned. It is believed that th1s program will provide an opp(lnunuy for student'> to explore altcmati\C realm'> of reality and \hare lhelr c~tpcncnce'> wuh other. who hold the <>arne wu~