1996 v24 special

M ic h a e l J a c k s o n

s p a n k s

h is

m o n k e y

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A ld e n

Bubbles plays encore performance

by Diva Koala Editor-knee-deep-in-Shit Michael Jackson delighted in spanking his monkey last Friday in front of a large crowd. It turns out that Bubbles wasn't performing well enough, but after a couple of slaps from The Light One, Bubbles couldn’t be stopped, even by WPI police brutality.

“There’s something wrong in the world when we can’t have peace, not even between man and monkey,” said Jackson in a post-concert interview (Oops! Nudebeach blunder! Michael Jackson was here for a lecture, not a concert'.). “I was giving my monkey some tender loving care so he would perform well, but those mean police men tried to hurt my Bubbles!”

Bubbles’ performance consisted of swinging on the trapeze while light­ ing fireworks with his feet as The King of Pop (known as the King of Soda on the East Coast) sang his melodius songs in the background. It was during “Beat It” that Jackson started spanking his monkey. After this song, it appeared as if Jackson felt bad about what he had done; he broke into a heartfelt

rendition of “I’m Bad.” “But that song is a song about being good, not being bad,” said psychology Professor Bill Norwood, “so I believe that Jackson didn't really feel that bad about his beloved pet.”

Audiance response was mixed. "I thought it was not cool that he spanked his monkey," said Kim Karokian, Class of'97. "I think he spanked his monkey becuase of that rogue bottle rocket," noted sophomore Harry Jackson (no relation). Jackson (Harry) was refer­ ring to an incident earlier in the show, when Bubbles accidentally shot a bottle rocket directly at Jackson's (Michael) head. Jackson (Michael) seemed to be in a daze for a minute before resuming his performance. "Probably reminded him of the incident when his hair caught on fire," noted Professor Norwood.

"That poor white man. Um, I didn't say that, did I? I didn't mean it... Don't quote me on this. Hey, you damn reporter! STOP THAT DAMN TAPE RECORDER!" [Ed. note: we are re­ minded of a similar incident, in which a certain senator in a certain student government said something about not giving money to charities. But, I di­ gress...]

Jackson is currently engaged in a dispute with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) in which PETA claims that Jackson was tugging his turtle a bit too often.

“Everyone has to have a release some how,” claimed Jackson. “For me, it was seeking the friendship of my turtle. He always stayed in his shell.

I eventually had him circumshelled.

Now he can come out and play when­ ever I get the urge.”

“Why do you think I wear all of these bandages?” asked Jackson, re­ ferring to the many layers of mate­ rial wrapped around him in a mummific fashion. “He’s a snapper turtle.”

Overall the audience seemed to enjoy the lecture (ahem) with only a few complaints. "He didn't play any Zeppelin, man," said one student.

"His moonwalk looked like he was on Jupiter — it seemed to heavy," remarked another.

“The next thing you know, he’ ll be choking his chicken,” said an attendee of the show. It was not disclosed if the attendee was refer­ ring to Ruby, Jackson’ s rubber chicken.

P r e s id e n t P a r r is h p la y f u lly Patiently prioritizes personal promises

by Brain Parker Editor-armadillo In a recent interview with our new President, Doctor Edward “Don’t call me Robert” A. Parrish, I found out that this gentleman has a few quirks, in­ cluding a fascination with the number 14. He is the 14th president, arriving just in time for the 14th Nude Voices Festival and he won’t be officially in­ augurated until around 14 months after he took over.

Parrish is known for his strange comments; at the October 12th fac­ ulty meeting, Parrish commented: “We have to learn to appreciate our­ selves [and our fellow members of the community], I left my wife in Nashville and now I have Steve Hebert.. .you all haven’t met Shirley, but you can draw your own conclu­

sions.. . ” Nudebeach was interested in how punctual President Parrish has been spending his time, besides running off to conferences with Steve. Nudebeach is certainly NOT interested in the details of these con­ ferences, what follows is a transcript of my conversation with President Parrish: B.P. - “So, President Parrish, is it OK if I refer to you as PP?” P.P. - “Perfectly” B.P. - “When you first arrived at WPI, what did you most look for­ ward to?”

P.P. - “Playing Parcheesi, paint­ ing puny pink pachyderms, pruning Peruvian pygmy petunias, petting puffins. . .”

B.P. - “I understand that your lei­ sure time is important to you, but was there anything you thought the

President Parrish with an unidentified guest.

Serial Killer stalks campus

See p ag e

school needed to do to improve its national ranking?”

P.P. - “Prove parking problems, praise proficient Polytech people, progressive Polytech Plan.”

B.P. - “I hesitate to say this, but you aren’t the first person to notice these problems. The thing is, there’s a lack of communication, no one understands us or our problems. How would you get this information out to the community?”

P.P. - “Patiently prepared press packets.”

B.P. - “That’s a truly novel solu­ tion, I can see where that would work.

What do you see as the biggest ob­ stacle to your success?”

P.P. -“Primarily? Pompously pi­ ous psychoanalysts.”

B.P. - “Really? I’m sure a lot of our readers will be shocked to find that out. you know what the word on the street is, I’m sure.”

P.P. - “Playful parasitic Protes­ tants prevent proactive progress para­ digm?"

B.P. -“Yes, the theory that a group of religious fanatics are stopping the school from assuming a leadership role. I’m happy to see that you’ ve de-bunked that one. How would you feel if we moved on to some of your likes and dislikes?”

P.P. - “Piously pleased.”

B.P. -“OK, I was wondering what your favorite fashion articles of all time were.”

P.P. -“Plaid polyester pants, pew­ ter Pennsylvanian penny pendants.”

B.P. -“And your favorite singer?”

P.P. - “Prince!”

NUDEBEACH STAFF PHOTO / STOLEN

The Gloved One choking his chicken. You won't see this on MTV! (Then again, maybe you will...)

p r a is e s

B.P. - “What are your favorite foods?”

P.P. - “Pork pies, peas, pheasant.

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B.P. - “We’ve heard very little about your wife, what does she do for fun?”

P.P. - “Preparing pomegranate pastes, pyrolyzing paisley paper products, patching pithy premolars, prepaying proctologists, picnicking peacefully. . .”

B.P. -“How well do you think any of these skills could be used to raise money for the school, which would help reduce our tuition?”

P.P. - “Perfectly.” * B.P. -“Any other ideas for raising money?”

P.P. -“Pimping partial, parochial, probability predicting, physics pro­ fessors! Passing putrescent penguin pee! Peddling pedophiles PhD’s!

Peculating personal prizes!”

B.P. -“Thank you.. .What is your favorite work of literature?”

P.P. - “Peter Pan.” B.P. - “Have you been up to the WPI mansion in New Hampshire?”

P.P. - “Pentillion Pines?”

B.P. -“Yes. What did you like the most about the place?”

P.P. - “Pretty, proficient prosti­ tutes, pear-shaped pasta, perambu­ lating prayerfully.”

B.P. - “Uh. . .yeah.. .1 see this is a terrific office, there’s this great carpet, wood paneling. . .what do you like the most?”

P.P. - “Purple pens.”

B.P. - “Did you run into any trouble when you first arrived on

Table

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News................................................................................2 Sports................................................. ............................. 3 Commentary.................................................................... 4 Disclaimer....................................................................... 4 2

P o ly te c h campus?”

P.P. - “Poorly posted parking places, problematic parking passes.”

B.P. - “You got your share of tickets, didn’t you?”

P.P. - “Plenty.”

B.P. - “I’d be disappointed if I asked you about your two favorite magazines, eh?”

P.P. - “Probably.”

B.P. - “Is there anything you’d like to see the WPI community work­ ing towards?”

P.P. - “Prized pollution preven* tion projects.”

B.P. - “Is there any reason why we haven't seen more about these projects for quite some time?”

P.P. - “Painful, piecemeal pub­ licity process; poor paragraphs; piddling, poopy press personnel.”

B.P. -“How did you get back from your last California conference.”

P.P. - "Penultimate Pacific plane.”

B.P. - "What was the topic of that conference?”

P.P. - “Preparing penile probes, processing probative papers, pul­ verizing pumice pillars, parallel processing.”

B.P. - “Who ran the show?”

P.P. - “Presenter: Panamanian Procouncil Paul Pugwash.”

B.P. - “So do you have any last words that you feel might apply to our readers.”

P.P.-“Positively! Play ping pong, pillage, piss periodically, please pharaoh Parrish, prize platonic pen pals, predict problematic pelvic problems pre-posthumously.”

Contents More News.................................................................... 5,7 Geek Corner..................................................................... 6 Classifieds........................................................................ 7 Police I M g...................................................................... 12

M o n d a y , A p r il l , 1996

N udebeach

Pag e 2

N ew s

Wedge Rats apply to become Fraternity

Hack-a-Thon to hack the heavens

by Butt IO C Come one come all to WPI’s first annual Hack-a-lhon to benefit the Children’s Hacking Institute (CHI). This Friday night at 6pm in the ADP. the hacking will begin. Throughout this past week hackers of all types from Worcester Polytech having been walking the streets of Worcester asking the kind and philanthropic citizens of Worceseter to be their sponsers.

These generous citizens have dug deep into the pants to support the Whoopie students.

The goal of this Friday night’s charity event is for each hacker involved to hack as many computers and sites all over the world. dlightman@wpi.edu stated thal this is an out­ standing charity that everyone in the WPI com­ munity should get involved in. bunghole@wpi.edu [Ed. note: Please don’t try to 'finger bunghole’, too many people do this already; you’ll probably crash the finger server] told us many times that “she wanted to help all these deprived and ineperienced kids as much as could could.” She also told us that she was thinking of turning this into a profesion. An­ other stud, who wanted to keep his email anony­ mous, cried out loud, "For God’s sake man, most of these fucking twerps don’t even have a com­ puter, and the other lucky ones are barely hack­ ing with their ancient 8086x’s.” Go to the ADP this Friday with your fine-tuned hacking skills and your beer,and hack for the children!

by IB T F O C After much debating, the wedge rats, com­ monly known as The Wedge Rats', have de­ cided to apply to become a chapter of the Na­ tional fraternity Lambda Lambda Lambda. They would be applying to become the chapter known as Omega Rho, (because of their initials, WR).

They formally brought their proposal before the SAGA and IFC for clearance this past Tuesday.

Unfortunately, they were denied charter when it was learned that they planned to live in a fort constructed out of Wedge furniture and subsist off of the grill and Daka.

In retaliation the wedge rats have started assailing random students with styrafoam swords as a form of protest. To date, only two injuries have been reported after the two injuries were reported, but they weren't that major since they were created by foam weapons. The campus police have yet to comment.

Are you confused about all the Schitt’s out there?

by Da Picture Guy Picuter Guy

Stud Acts on campus

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son. Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of a little Schitt.

In an attempt to increase the male to fe­ male ratio on campus, the Student Activities office will henceforth be known as Stud Act. “It’s simply an abbreviation,” states a prominent stud from the Stud Act office, "but it seems to have a new connotation.”

The responsibilities of Stud Act will not be altered in any way. They will still serve the campus in every way that they have done in the past.

While Student Activities will now be known as Stud Acts, student organizations themselves will be known as Stud Organs.

G e t F O C e d !

T h a t 's r ig h t ! n e w

F re ak s h ave

Y o u

can

Ju s t jo in o n

C a m p u s

b e e n

fo rm e d

be

o n e

in

o n e

g ro u p s

o n

m a n y

w h ic h

c a m p u s !

Q f th e s e

L a z y

o f th e

g r e a t c lu b s !

F O C s

D u m b

F O C s

C ra z y

F O C s

D ru n k

F O C s

S e r ia l b r ic k

k ille r

s ta lk s c a m p u s Bricks linked to Bricks all the serial killings incentive killer

by Ima Jacque needs

by Diva Koala Editor-chest-deep-in-Shit A serial killer has been on the prowl at WPI. He stalks people whose names he finds on the bricks on the Centennial Walkway.

“We thought this would be a cool idea,” said Christopher Boffoli of the Alumni Office, refer­ ring to the bricks. “However, the thought of a deranged killer on campus never crossed our minds.”

President Parrish recently gave his opinion of the situation. “The perpetrator probably picks people’s pellations with probabilistic principles,” said Parrish.

People whose names appear on the Centennial Walkway are encouraged (not by Nudebeach, of course) to remove their bricks from the Quad before the killer makes his next move.

Whenasked if President Emeritus JonC. Strauss was in danger, Parrish responded, “Preposterous!

That President’s pellation was perpetually pur­ loined!” Indeed, many people made a game of stealing Strauss’s brick. It appears as if his brick has been stolen again; thus, the killer will not know of his existance, and will not attempt a murder. “Damn,” a certain faculty member was overhead as saying, although the Nudebeach re­ porter who overheard this didn’t know who the faculty member was. By process of elimination, Parrish has an idea of who said this about Strauss: “Probably, Professor Pickeral proclaimed this profanity,” accused Parrish. [Ed. note.Nudebeach regrets taking a major tangent in reporting these horrible serial crimes.]

Nudebeach realizes that no one is really read­ ing this, and does not care to complete this article.

Just remove your damn bricks, or change your name.

The bricks on the Quad have been linked to an outbreak of killings in and around Massachusettes. Several people, whose names are engraved on the bricks, have been found murdered and notes found on the bod­ ies all point to a serial killer. Alumni have been hiring personal body guards and carry­ ing gur\s, pepperspray, and other personal defense weapons in response to this outbreak of violence.

The FBI is reluctant to release the exact numbers of how many bodies have been found and who the victims are, but an inside source revealed that they have a suspect. The person responsible for the murders is thought to be a disgruntled Plant Service worker.

A local psychic believes the murderer had become tired of continuously replacing up­ rooted bricks around campus and finally de­ cided to take out his anger on those whose names had become an all too familiar sight to his eyes. Local police and agents decline comment on the psychic’s theory and simply say the investigation is under control and they expect an arrest in the near future.

Security has been increased around the campus, as Campus Police are keeping their eyes on the activities of Plant Services. The Counseling and Student Development Cen­ ter on campus is conducting a special coun­ seling session for the students who are family members of the “brick” alumni. Students are also warned against walking on the bricks of the Quad in the event that the murderer lashes out against the school’s community in a last attempt to end his meaningless job. Of course, that depends on if the murdere might actually be out of ajob...because, you never know, he might be among us...

Students, Alumni don’t have to pay for Campus Center

By Diva Koala Editor-chin-deep-in-Shit A brave move by the school has relieved all students and alumni of the responsibility of paying for the upcoming Campus Center. “How are we going to do it?” asked Steve Hebert, Treasurer of WPI. “Why, we’re going to turn all of the work into IQP’s and MQP's! Hey, it’s a unique resource we have here, why not use it?”

Hebert described how IQP’s would be done in the initial stages to take care of design issues.

“One IQP which is currently being done is looking into how much space is needed; another is looking into pedestrian traffic issues. The best thing about having students work on these issues is that we don’t have to pay external contractors to do the work.”

MQP’s would focus on the actual construc­ tion of the center. The Civil Engineering depart­ ment has been charged with creating some MQP’s which would focus on the creation of stable structures. The Computer Science department has been asked to look into the possibility of making the campus a ‘smart building’, incorpo­ rating such advances as intelligent overhead

lights that go off if no one is in the room, and a center-wide online navigational system. Three Electrical Engineering students are looking into how a personal paging system might be imple­ mented instead of a public adress system. When a message is being sent to the people in the center, the personal system would direct the messages only to those to whom the message applies. Each patron of the center would have a personal pager on their body somewhere, prob­ ably clipped to a belt or in a pocket.

Projects from other schools might also focus on the Campus Center in the future. A project group from a local horticultural curriculum has plans to come to the school in the near future to examine landscaping possibilities, for example.

“Projects are great for the school — we don’t pay the workers, yet we reap the benefits!” gloated Hebert. He cited numerous examples where projects have helped the school: the es­ tablishment of an on-campus radio station, projects examining group dynamics and group work, and the feasibility of creating a Campus Center come to mind. “The best part," contin­ ued Hebert, “is that no one seems to mind! We certainly don’t!”

F a t F O C s B o r in g

F O C s

S h a llo w P ru d e S le a z y

A t t e n t io n

F O C s F O C s F O C s

In te lle c tu a l A p a th e tic T r ip p in g

C o m m u te r s !

F O C s F O C s

F O C s

And many more —or create your own!

A s

y o u

can

s e e , t h e r e 's

o r g a n iz a tio n

fo r

a

y o u !

F O C

Make sure you get vaccinated!

Go to Health Services very soon! from the College Commuter Center

Pa g e 3

N udebeach

M o n d a y , A p r il 1,1996

Sports

Alumni indoor track recieves facelift

by Ima Jacque Sports Reporter Due to the great success of the men and women’s indoor track teams the last two sea­ sons, WPI has decided to renovate the indoor track housed in Alumni. The committee in charge of the facelift believes that the presence of a first rate indoor track will cut down on the number of injuries succumbed by several student-athletes per season. These injuries include amputations of feet and arms due to severe frostbite, strokes due to hypothermia, and the occasional motor-vehicle collisions which leave the athlete in intensive care for several months.

Affectionately called the “toilet bowl” by those who run on its soft, dusty surface, students are happy something will be done to improve it.

The enhanced facility would be built on and around the existing track in Alumni. Members of the Student Alumni Association petitioned that the old track not be destroyed, stating the historical importance of the track and arguing that they used to have meets on the track in the “old days.” As a result, the committee focused on improving the facility itself and has even commissioned several groups on campus to de­ sign special equipment for its achievement.

Some of the basic improvements include a

safety net to be installed around the circumfer­ ence of the track, a mural of a countryside on the walls, and a daily waxing and polishing of the surface of the track. The purpose of the mural is to eliminate the boredom students claim will affect the distance events where athletes must run 20 laps per mile. The net would simply be installed for insurance reasons, although it is believed that several students have fallen over the edge in the past.

A new breakthrough in hurdle technology will be implemented in the renovation. A group of students at WPI have developed a system of hurdle placement which will electronically pop hurdles up onto the surface of the track thereby conforming with the accepted placement of the hurdles as dictated by NCAA rules. When asked if malfunctions could occur, the students re­ plied, “Everything should run smoothly as long as a virus doesn’t get into the system.”

The Athletic Department is looking forward to the completion of this project. “It will greatly improve the position of the school in recruiting track athletes. Once they see our new improved indoor facility, they will be coming in from all over the nation,” a source in the department explained. Indoor meets are expected to begin at the new facility during the ‘97-’98 winter sea­ son. Finally, the track team will be repaid for their positive representation of WPI.

Dino, seen here practices with two of his new teamates.

Dino joins ultimate frisbee team

by TBTFOC After much recruiting, it was considered a great success this week when the Ultimate Frisbee team was able to recruit Dino to to the team. "With his skill of chasing pterodactyls and burying brontosaurus bones, we figure this boy has one hell of a grip by now", said one proud team member.

"Dino is known in the field as being one of the best frisbee catches in the world," com­ mented another teammate. "One day, he caught a flying saucersaurus that was flying at 20 miles per hour...he had to chase it no less than 100 yards!"

"That's my Dino!" gloated Fred Flintstone, previous master of the dinosaur. "I'm glad he'll be well liked in his new home. He's a really great dino! Yabba dabba doo!"

Dino will move in with President Edward

NUDEBEACH STAFF PHOTO- STOLEN

Portland Pirate Parker takes time out from beating teammate Chris Kenady.

IceCats make surprise move to keep playoff hopes alive!

by Fred Knipscheer Associate Editor On Thursday, March 22, the Worcester IceCats, as well as all other AHL teams, were required by the league to submit their final­ ized post-season rosters to be used in the upcoming Calder Cup playoff race. While the return of rookie goalie sensation Eric Fichaud, who had been playing the later half of the season in the NHL, caused some stir, the most dramatic and surprising move came in the aquisition of two W PI Nudebeach mem­ bers! Associate Editor Andrew Marsella and Editor-in-Chief-Emeritus Brian Parker were traded to the ‘Cats late on Wednesday for center Fred Knipscheer, a bag of pucks, and future considerations.

“We’ve [the offense) been having prob­ lems scoring most of the season”, commented Worcester coach Jim Roberts,” Freddie just wasn’t performing to expectations (ed. note he was only leading the team in goals, shots and points!!! But I’m not bitter...), and, al­ though we probably won’t be putting the new guys (Marsella and Parker) up front, we feel that the move could give us the edge we need to go far into the post-season.”

At first, the coach wouldn't reveal his plans for the WPI students, saying only that he still had one more trick up his sleeve.

Recent Nudebeach addition, Fred Knipscheer, couldn’t be reached for comment, but Editor-inChief Dave Koelle said it would be “just business as usual” at the office.

“He’s taken Andy’s old spot covering the IceCats for now, so we’ll just see how that goes”, said Koelle,”l was going to ask him if he wanted to be the new Business Manager, but he seemed kind of angry at the last Nudebeach meeting. I think he’s upset about the trade, but he better get over it soon. We’ve got a paper to

run here, and if he doesn’t do his part, I’m just going to have to cut his ass!”

According to IceCats president Roy Boe. the trade was a step in the right direction.

“I trust Jimmy [Roberts] to make the right moves; I mean, for cryin’ out loud, the guy’s a Stanley Cup winner, here! If he wants to replace our best player with a couple of tech school punks, who the hell am I to disagree, you know?!! ‘Long as the fans keep showing up, I just don’t care!”

Marsella and Parker also expressed optimistic opinions about their recent relocation to the AHL. “It wasn’t totally unexpected,” commented Parker, “I mean, Andy and I have been to a whole bunch of home games this year. It was only a matter of time, I think, before we made the lineup.”

“With the way I played last season,” added Marsella, who played one game on a tryout basis for last year’s ‘Cats,’ I pretty much figured on some more ice time this season.

So what if I ended up scoring an accidental hat trick against the IceCats in that game! My heart was in it, and I think that’s what really matters.”

Besides that, it appears that Roberts has a different plan for his new ‘tech school punks’ this year.

“The league told me I was allowed to put 16 skaters and two goalies in uniform. The thing is, they’re reffcring to IceCats uni­ forms! I plan to dress thses kids in our opponents’ colors and send them out there to wreck hell!! It came to me the other day in practice. I had put Marsella in net, and he sucked. It was just terrible, he was an incred­ ible sieve! I thought to myself, ‘damn it, Jim, 1wish the other teams had a goalie this bad’.

So that’s what I’ve done! You saw what happpened when I tried it out during that Binghamton game. I’m tellin’ ya, this idea’s

Parrish. When asked how he felt about this, President Parrish stated, "Perfectly permittable!"

There has been no word whether Hoppy, Barney Rubble's fathful pet, would also be joining the team.

This reporter also noticed that the kids in the picture were a bit young to be on a WPI frisbee team. The Ultimate Frisbee coach had a reason for this.

"This is Jackie and Jessy," said the coach.

"They're these two cute little 5-year olds who keep trying to sneak into WPI. You don't see them all the time, but everyone knows that they're there! There antics are chronicled in the student newspaper every so often. They're quite adorable kids."

Though last years season left quite a bit to be desired, look forward to some very excit­ ing games and an improved record this year.

All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental and should not be construed.

-KV

NUDEBEACH STAFF PHOTO / STOLEN

"Thanx for the gift" Andy Marcsella gives up a soft goal to the 'Cats Marquis Mathieu. got promise! I’ve got J. C. [Bergeron, the IceCats equipment manager] working on the decoy uniforms right now! Hey, you’re not writing this down, are you?”

So what does the rest of the team think of the recent trade?

“Back in Europe, it is-how do you say? -no pig deal. Members of the press are constantly being put on the ice. Besides, that Knipscheer guy was a puck-hog,” commented Ukranian winger Alex Vasilevskii.

Defenseman Jason Strudwick also conceded a more personal observation.

“That Parker kid is an animal, eh? He’s just plain crazy. I remember just foolin' around in practice the other day, and I tried holding him up a little in the comer. He kicked the s**t out of

me!!”

“I think that what’s more important than all that they [Marsella and Parker] bring to the game is what they bring to the locker room” added IceCats captain Roy Mitchell.

“They seem to have alot of experience and leadership qualities that the younger players look up to. I mean, Parker - wasn’t he like Editor of his school newspaper? That takes guts! Coach’ll probably be tearing this “C” off my jersey pretty soon.”

“I don’t know about all that,” said Marsella.

“We’re not here to take anybody’s job (ex­ cept maybe the other team's goalie). We’re just here to win some games or, more appropriatley, lose some games for the other team!!”

M o n d a y , A p r il 1 ,19 96

N udebeach

Page 4

E d it o r ia l B a b b l e #indude “article.h” #include “bullshit.h” // #inciude “syntax.h” // #include “structure.h” //You FOCs aren’t reading this any­ way, are you? // Oh, maybe you are... void main() I article name; layout tabloid; // In this procedure, we call other procedures which call other procedures (ad nauseum) which eventually // produces an article (somehow...we’re not sure how) /* Do you guys have any idea what time it is, how much more layout we have to go, how long these photo FOCs have been editing that damn photo (it’s been at least a half an hour so far), how many people have been dropping out of the office, how much soda and chips and pizza we’ve had, how sick a certain FOC got when he saw Jenny McCarthy taking her clothes on and off and on and off and on and off..., how many pic­ tures of MJ we can find, how many words we can make up, how much diet soda is left compared to da real stuff, how many doctored photos of rubber

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chickens and scary demonic people and scantily clad women and presi­ dents of the college we can create, how long we can stay up, how much more pizza we wish we had, how much we wish we had other food besides pizza, how much a certain radio station sucks because it keeps playing the same loud obnoxious songs over and over and over, how weird that thesaurus is, how scary it is that these photos can be doctored so well, how this program would probably crash with a seg fault or something stupid if we really tried to run it, how fun it was to do that MJ article, how much freakin’ ice we have here, how many times we’ve heard this song, how bad we’d feel if a certain student newspaper got in trouble for stuff that wasn’t the undertaking of that association (insert precise legalese here), how much we wish to impress that this whole thing is a big joke, a way for us to entertain the campus as we vent our frustrations that accrue through interactions with so many of you FOCs, how we wish the government wouldn’t restrict the Internet because we’d never be able to pull this off without liberal use of the web (as well as the scanner and a great thing called Photoshop), how big the police log is, how punchy we’re getting, how tired we are, how much this radio station sucks, how much Jolt Jon drank, how much we surfed the

h, and

S o m e t h in g M

Web, how much we bullshitted articles, how loose some of these stories are (loose as in type spacing, not what you're thinking (and no, not that ei­ ther)), how long it takes for pictures to come over from France (put it's quicker than par avion!), how punchy we arc (again), how cool it is, how we wish since now that it's 8:00am we could hand this off to someone who actually got some sleep because we've been working on this fortwel ve hours straight at least, with only two trips to Big D's (sorry. Price Choppers, damn you) and Store 24 at 4:00am (we saw someone riding his bike, and he stopped to walk it across Institute Rd at fuckin' 4:00 in the fuckin’ morning! But at least he didn't kill us, so we're happy and as you can tell we're rambling), how she's dy­ ing her hair with an orange as she's bent over...woah, how fun it is to doctor photos, how much we love the head­ line, how much we want to see the headline happen (no, not that way you fiend), how everyone has deserted us!, how beautiful the 6:00am sunshine is (almost as nice as 6:00pm!), how long this is getting, how no one is reading this now, how we can say whatever the fuck we want to because 1) you're not reading, 2) we're not thinking, 3) this whole comment doesn't exist because we wrote it like a C program and the compiler will ignore it. Thank you. */

uy

I m p o r t a n t e : Th e D

is c l a im e r !

D IS C L A IM E R !

THE ONLY SERIOUS PART OF THIS WHOLE PAPER This is not an official publica­

find in these pages, because they

Newspeak, the student

w on’t be able to help you since

newspaper o f Worcester P oly­ technic Institute, despite its strik­ ingly sim ilar appearance. This is

they’re all incompetent boobs...um, I mean...because like we said, this was created by a bunch of people,

a parody of Newspeak, created by a bunch o f people who got

Y ou may contact a member o f this

tion o f

not by the Newspeak Association.

together with the sole purpose o f

‘bunch of people’ by addressing

making a parody o f Newspeak.

your remarks to the Daniels Laun­ dry Room — second drier from the

Everything in this paper is a work of fiction.

Names o f important

people have not been changed, but all other parts o f this publication

door, top level, during the hours o f 3:00am -4:00am ( ‘cuz that’s when office hours are held).

Have fun, take everything here

are ficticious.

very very

very

lightly, and Happy

Since this is not an official pub­ lication o f the Newspeak Associa­

April Fool’s Day! (Hey, look — you’re shoe’s untied! (Fooled you!

tion, do not contact a member of

(But now we’re starting to get silly...

the Newspeak Association if you

(and our disclaimer is starting to

have a problem about anything you

look like a L L L Geek Corner)))

Com m entary

W e ’r e a p a t h e t i c a b o u t a p a t h y !

A year in the life of our student government

by Brain Parker Editor-armadUlo This has been an interesting year to have been forced to go to all of the Strangely Acronymed Govern­ ment Assoctaion (SAGA) meet­ ings, under penalty of [editor’s note: we didn’t threaten1him with that and we can’t print it anyways].

Some of these meetings have been enlightening, but a majority have been as boring as whale shit and as meaningful as a bag of boogers. If you've ever had the pleasure of being a visitor at one of these meet­ ings, your group probably was ask­ ing for (and receiving) special funding, or you were lost, but you did get to see a writer who fre­ quently uses run-on sentences and a group of students who truly care about the school, in their own spe­ cial ways.

So, what follows is the more or less accurately (if partially) quoted words of selected members of the senate. If you don’t believe me, tough! I have the only set of notes that comes close to being this com­ plete, so you can only ask me if this is true, you have my word as a journalist that I'm not making this up, no one could make this stuff up. . .

On the 29th of August, when many people were sitting outside, enjoying the last bits of summer, the SAGA was looking to find its own meeting. “We have a strange way of losing ideas and losing our vision” said one member, who may have been indulging himself a bit too much (remember the old wives tale?). Then the point was made that students spend so much time walking around looking at the ground, perhaps they never notice all that the SAGA does.

The next meeting was about fif­ teen minutes long, with role call taken twice. The next week I turned 21, so I skipped the SAGA meeting. On September 19th SAGA was so silly I had to run home and write about it immediately. I’m sure everyone re­ members the "It is our money to do with as we please” comments. On this day SAGA removed itself from OCFC Class III, to establish itself as the governing body. They then con­ tinued for a good two hours, debat­ ing the necessity of giving money to other groups, perhaps they wished to keep it all for themselves. Much time was spent over parliamentary procedure, a necessary evil, which is definitely more evil that necessary at

times.

September ended with SAGA again questioning its role in the com­ munity. “We should be important. . .we’re trying to figure out where our responsibilities begin and end.” The President was also there, introduced as former Celtics center Robert Parrish. He admitted he didn’t know much about WPI as soon as six months before and that as research money dries up, more should be spent on sending faculty out on trips to conferences. Chris Jachimowicz ad­ mitted “I like to be called honeybuns, but that doesn’t go in the [SAGA] minutes.”

SAGA moved on to looking at a social fee increase and decided to hold budget meetings in Novem­ ber, that was the extent of my notes for October. Big brother was ap­ parently not watching. In fact, nothing silly seems to have hap­ pened for several months. In Janu­ ary, SAGA was in the process of debating a change in the elections procedures. “Diversity is not nec­ essary among leaders,” “ If the President and the Vice-President were good friends, they would ig­ nore the senators” and “We are plagued with a lack of enthusiasm. . .the Veep is a lackey” rang through the hallowed halls of the lower wedge.

Otherquestions raised that night were: “ Is the executive branch where we want diversity?” and “Who cares? Everyone just cleared out of our meeting once we ap­ proved funding for the winter car­ nival.” The treasurer also re­ marked: “ Uhm. . .I'm discombobulated.” when asked a question. After the meeting some­ one mentioned that a certain presi­ dent of the school looks like Adam West (remember the Batman TV show?, me neither. . .). The Vice President confided that she too was discombobulated: “I was discombobulated.” perhaps there was a conspiracy?

Just a few weeks later, a senator begged: "Can I withdraw my mo­ tion in hopes that someone will state it better?” Dave Koelle said that things that are “good for OCFC Class III are good for the campus.”

He was talking about the increase of the social fee, which organiza­ tions like Nudebeacli would di­ rectly benefit from.

Although the Executive debates did not actually take place on a Tuesday, they were too much fun to pass up in this article. Here we encountered such gems as:

“Change is the law of life,” “The SAGA office is not such a bad place,” and “personal opinions don’t belong in the SAGA office.”

Jennx also revealed herself to be: “Jennifer Elizabeth Rose Yambert.”

Last Tuesday, SAGA reduced the reserve from $15,000 to $ 11,000 in a short, two-hour meet­ ing. Brownies were distributed, the President put a hex on the doors and a Senator remarked: “As much as 1 don’t like giving money to charity. . Oh God! I'm gonna get quoted on that. .

The executive board got out a calculator to see if 14 of 19 senators voting in favor a motion was over the 2/3 majority needed.

But perhaps my favorite quote, if only because it came at the end of the last meeting was in regard to an act to fund the photocopier: “I think we should make Matt dress up in leather and make the money back for himself.” This truly beats the senate president stating that: “all of the astronauts are coming out on April 10th!”

We’re all looking forward to that! Stay on top of Nudebeach for further activities of the SAGA.

C o m e

se e s tu d e n ts

m a k e f o o ls

o f

t h e m s e lv e s !

The Annual Big Jerk on Campus contest!

Just have a friend videotape you doing some­ thing stupid. We'll show the movies in the Wedge.

Of course, we'll have a Bob Saget look-alike there (he will not be able to enter the contest).

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M o n d a y , A p r il 1,1996

N ew s

Students, Alumni don’t have to pay for Campus Center

By Diva Koala Editor-chin-deep-in-Shit A brave move by the school has relieved all students and alumni of the responsibility of paying for the upcoming Campus Center. “How are we going to do it?” asked Steve Hebert, Treasurer of WPI. “Why, we’re going to turn all of the work into IQP’s and MQP's! Hey, it’s a unique resource we have here, Why not use it?”

Hebert described how IQP’s would be done in the initial stages to take care of design issues. “One IQP which is currently being done is looking into how much space is needed; another is looking into pedestrian traffic is­ sues. The best thing about having students work on these issues is that we don’t have to pay external contractors to do the work.”

MQP’s would focus on the actual construc­ tion of the center. The Civil Engineering department has been charged with creating some MQP’s which would focus on the cre­ ation of stable structures. The Computer Sci­ ence department has been asked to look into the possibility of making the campus a ‘smart building’, incorporating such advances as in­ telligent overhead lights that go off if no one is

in the room, and a center-wide online naviga­ tional system. Three Electrical Engineering students are looking into how a personal pag­ ing system might be implemented instead of a public adress system. When a message is being sent to the people in the center, the personal system would direct the messages only to those to whom the message applies.

Each patron of the center would have a per­ sonal pager on their body somewhere, prob­ ably clipped to a belt or in a pocket.

Projects from other schools might also fo­ cus on the Campus Center in the future. A project group from a local horticultural cur­ riculum has plans to come to the school in the near future to examine landscaping possibili­ ties, for example.

“Projects are great for the school — we don’t pay the workers, yet we reap the ben­ efits!” gloated Hebert. He cited numerous examples where projects have helped the school: the establishment of an on-campus radio station, projects examining group dy­ namics and group work, and the feasibility of creating a Campus Center come to mind. “The best part,” continued Hebert, “is that no one seems to mind! We certainly don’t — we get work done, and students pay us tuition!”

The one and only, the great Cthulhu.

N e w

g ro u p o n

is a ll F O C e d

by Diva Koala Editor-neck-deep-in-Shit A diverse new group has formed on campus: the Freaks on Campus (FOC).

FOC’s purpose is to give every student on campus an organization with which to belong.

Therefore, there are many different divisions of FOC. One group of students composes the lazy FOCs. The lazy FOCs sit on their asses all day, wondering how to better play their FOCing card games. Another faction, the dumb FOCs, constantly skim on the edge of failing and dropping out, but somehow remain on campus.

Some students are both dumb FOCs and lazy FOCs. A third FOC group, the crazy FOCs, are insane students with a constant desire for adrenaline. While not jumping off Boyton Hall with a bungee cord made by one of the Geek organizations, they may be found in the laundry rooms — inside the driers (the people who have brought you this fine issue of Nudebeach are crazy FOCs).

Originally, the Stud Act office was not too crazy with the idea of allowing the FOCs to

S tu d

u p exist as an organization. However, under re­ peated requests from the unrelenting persis­ tent FOCs and the constant pleadeing by the kiss-up FOCs. The Stud Act office agreed to grant all of the FOCs a one-year trial period. If after this period the FOCs don’t seem to be doing anything for campus, the organization will be disbanded, leaving a whole bunch of dislocated FOCs roaming around campus.

Proponents of the FOCs claim that it helps create a family among students, more so than other organizations, because each FOC group revolves around a specific quality. As previ­ ously stated, a person can be a member of more than one faction of FOC. These people are referred to, in the organization’s lingo, as be­ ing “very FOCed,” an attribute which shows their dedication to the FOC organization, as well as to the improvement of themselves and others by sharing stories and experiences they have had with certain qualities.

The FOCs as a whole vow that there will be a lot more factions of FOCed students, so keep a look out for something which might interest you FOCs. After all, there has to be something on campus that you get involved with!

o rg a n s

by Diva Koala Editor-'"up to here”-in-Shit The Students Harboring Aggressive Tenden­ cies (SHAT) group, a new stud organ, has recently been tormenting random FOCs on campus. When they do so, they leave a note with the slogan, “We SHAT all over you.”

The Freaks on Campus, a new set of looselyorganized suborganizations whose members pos­ sess certain qualities, have been taken aback as SHAT continues to destroy any credibility the FOCs thought they had. ‘This is a serious issue,” commented Chris Jachimowicz speaking on be­ half of the Stud Act office. “If the FOCs continue

Nudebeach gets the shaft

by Diva Koala Editor-hip-deep-in-Shit Renovations to Riley Hall this summer will displace the Nudebeach office with an elevator shaft. The Nudebeach office will be moved. No, not into the elevator itself, although that would be cool; rather, Nudebeach will move down the hall.

The elevator is being installed in an attempt to make Riley Hall more accessable to handicapable stu­ dents. Currently, ony a few buildings on campus arc unable lo be accessed by handicapable students.

The elevator wil I go from the ground floor all the way up to the fourth floor. "This is usually the best type of setup we can hope for. It's lough to find an elevator lhat fits your needs," said a Plant Services representative..

c a m p u s

s h a t o n

to get SHAT on, we’re going to revoke FOC’s charter.” When asked why the FOC’s charter would be revoked and not SHAT’s, Jachimowicz replied, “SHAT is not an official organization, but the FOCs are. We see the loosely-organized FOCs as being acause for the existance of SHAT.” Many FOCs don’t understand why this is hap­ pening. “What did we do to deserve this treatment from SHAT?” whined Dei Griendeur, a dumb and lazy FOC. “It’s not FOC’s fault that we get this treatment. We didn’t do anything.” Countless FOCs have backed Griendeur’s claims.

Campus police is looking into legal issues concerning SHAT. They’ll be sure to let the community know what they're doing. No, really.

H e llo ,

Contest to be held to decide new school mascot!

by Zalen Andrews, The Crawling Chaos In a bizarre move, the school administration has decided to throw out one of its major traditions - the school mascot. Though the switch will mean the end of the infamous Goat’s Head Rivalry, supporters of the plan expect an equally bizarre tradition to appear in its place.

“Basically, we’re tired of having to explain to people that we’re a college, and not some sort of weird death cult or something.” said one

Embellishing the preacher’s sermon

by Da Picture Guy Jack, who goes to Church with his wife al­ ways falls asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about it this week and brought a long hat pin to poke him with every time he dozed off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, “...and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th...” she poked Jack who went flying out of the pew and screamed, “Good God almighty.”

The minister said, “That’s right, that’s right” and went on with his sermon. Jack sat back down, muttering under his breath, and began to doze off again when the minister got to “...and who died on the cross t save us from our sins...”

The wife hit Jack again and he jumped up and shouted, “Jesus Christ.” The minister said “That’s right, that’s right” and went on with his sermon.

Jack sat back down and watched his wife and when the minister got to “...and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?”

The wife started to poke Jack, but he jumped up and said, “If you stick that damn thing in me again I’ll break it off!”

of the motion’s supporters.

And the confusion is understandable to out­ siders. After all, remember that this is a school with a goat’s head for a mascot - not a whole goat, just the head. ’Add to that the presence of the Skull Society (does anyone really know what they do there?), and the disturbing fre­ quency of blood drives on campus.

Some suggestions have already been sub­ mitted for the new mascot, including giant squid, pangolin, andrpreat Cthulhu. Of course, Cthulhu has the most support right now, but that’s just understandable.

WPI implements new SHIT program

by Da Picture Guy In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and teaching from the faculty, WPI will train all employees with the new program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). WPI will be trying to give its employees more S.H.I.T. than any other institution.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please your department head.

You will be immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our administration is especially skilled at seeing lhat you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since our administration too S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be inter­ ested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those whoare full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Extra Employee Programming (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them lo our Head of Training, Special High Inten­ sity Programming (H.O.T. S.H.I.T. or to the Boss In General, Special High lntensilyTraining(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.).

R e a d e r!

H a p p y A p r i l F o o l's !

M o n d a y , A p r il 1 ,19 96

N udebeach

Page 6

G eek C o r n e r brainy instances of femininity with whom to engage in pleasing intellectual discourse, dudz. My man MixmaSter Q.E.D. be spinnin’ da hitz, checkin’ da levels of bass and treble to get da right symphonic per­ mutation which will harmonically titillate our combined cochlea. I gots t’ stop, 1 be goin’ from da city-speak to an inadvertant outbreak of syntactially correct and se­ mantically precise utilizations and appli­ cations of English, that fine Germanic de­ rivative, and back again to da homie-speak!

1be outta control! Later, dudz. I ’ m to kOOl for dis shiznit!

Alpha Rho Rho Rho Groucho did it again — he solved Fermat’ s Last Theorem. Oh no, here come the Math Police!

Gotta look into fractal compression to we can store more things in the house.

Everyone should be pleased with the new washer (c.1970). Even Marky can use it with his amphibian evolution experiment!

Kibbo and Hanshaw should be careful about breaking it, though — kinda tough to do, it’s make out of transparent aluminum!

Harold asked us to go to the events this week, so we should do that. O f course, we’re playing chess. Maybe we’ll win this time! Or maybe not... Should we resort to cheating, however, 1 must express my dis­ like for such an activity.

Lambda Lambda Lambda Welcome to the first (unofficial! (no, really - we’re not a real organization yet (but we will be soon!))) episode of the LLL Geek Corner! Since we Wedgerats have formed our own fraternity now (the Omega Rho chapter, from the letters WR (Even though ‘omega’ is a long O (which our brother Lamar told us (who is a member of the weird FOC organization (which is one of many new FOC organizations (oh, BTW, Lamar is competing in this week’s track meet (he’ s doing the javelin (catching, that is (just kidding!)))))))) (Arrg! This looks like a Scheme program! (And that sucks!

(I’ll stop now...))).

Aplasta Tu Amiga Johnny, did you learn your chi-squared tables yet? Philly, what's a liger? Hey Mitch, did you find the radicand? Harlo and Twoto — what possessed you to de­ cant the ice cream? Hehaw and Filbert just analyzed Gerry’s icky concoction, while Gerry denies Hehaw has olfactory vision.

Jack, is the scientific name for a cat really Felis domesticusl Johnny doesn’t under­ stand Mitch’s monologue. Walt, where’s your interpretative summary? Jub, have you taught the Taraxacom to establish a typical root system? Kiko, who did you say you saw in your dreams — Hiesenberg?

(Ahh...That’s why you weren’t really sure if it was him! Uncertainty strikes again!)

Alfred, how goes the interdisciplinary study of advanced computer applications of hypothetical combination of environ­ mental conditions? Pote, get a job!

Segment div Pi Okay, storytime!

Once upon a time, while the Brothers Einstein were computing spacial anoma­ lies, a mutant “can’t understand normal thinking" ALIEN came to town and ab­ ducted all of us SCIENTISTS! How come everyone treats aliens as if they don’t ex­ ist, I think it’s time we got some Bucky balls and educated this ignorant planet. I thought that the government was supposed to infiltrate such deviant exobiological organisms, at least to some degree.

Anyway, enough of that blabbering.

Treati Chichi Yo, ‘sup in da houz? My man Jimbo be solvin’ 10-variable equations in his head — insane in da membrane! We be havin’ our jammin’ Calculus Social dis weekend, be sure all da homiez get themselves some

Filmz!

Has anyone noticed that the red shift of Betelgeuse is starting to get larger? Or maybe it’s just the constant influx of fer­ mented compounds through my system...

Monday 8:00 -Star Trek I 10:00 - Star Trek II 12:00-Star Trek III 2:00 -Star Trek I

Taw Capon Evian Hello fellow intellects! I'm not sure when the lunar eclipse will occur on the same day as a summer solstice, but I’m sure when it does, Cacu will be happy!

Positionman, don’t forget to open your window when the pressure of the room becomes to great, because you know what happens when you apply PV=nRT! I can’t wait until we have our Underground Sew­ age Tubule Party...I hope we can get some M igathe rius bovada or C rocod iliu s crocodilius to inhabit the structure! Oh, this year, we’re using an improved strutural polymer which will allow us to legally produce a multilevel labyrinth. Top 5 rea­ sons why we embrace science: 5) It’s there, 4) It’ s either that or (gasp!) art, 3) All of nature can be described with science, 2) Physical laws keep the house standing, and 1) Through science, we can find out the ingredients of Spam!

Tuesday 8:00 -Star Trek IV 10:00 -Star Trek V 12:00 -Star Trek VI 2:00 -Star Trek IV Wednesday 8:00 -Star Trek VII 10:00 -The Making of Star Trek I -III 12:00 -The Making of Star Trek IV -VI 2:00 -Star Trek VII

Five Sis Gig Get psyched for the upcoming science fair!

The Prizes Committee had elections, and their new president is Suzzie G! Congrate to Kimmy H. and Eva Q. on your new intellectual friends.

Yeah, I’m sure all you do is engage in ‘intellec­ tual discourse’ ! Bethy O. and Polly M., don’t forget to stay-psyched, especially with the Lo­ cal Science Colloquia coming soon! Thanks to Segment div Pi for that great Social the other night, our pledges were impressed by your sheer intellect! Nikky J. and Gilda T., don’t forget to spork LLL’s lawn — but do so by placing the sporks in a parabolic pattern — you remember what we leared in the lab, right? Micky P. and Rita T., make sure those sporks are made of a biodegradable polymer — we’d hate to be contributing to the destruction of the environment! Stay psyched!

Thursday 8:00 -Star Trek I 10:00 - Star Trek II 12:00-Star Trek III 2:00 -Star Trek I Friday Well, you get the idea

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A surprising discovery was made the other day when I realized that I was the serial brick killer!

“I’m usually a nice guy,” I said to myself in an exclusive interview. “1 don’t know what made me do it. It was just so templing, with those bricks, and the names...it’s like, we walk all over their name, why not walk all over their persons? Because if they get bur­ ied, you can do that, you know?” Of course, I nodded in agreement, because I did know — after all, it was running through my mind.

I was a little scared when I first started interviewing my­ self, because I thought that I might get crazy and use that knife on myself. However, after a little consideration, 1 realized that I was an ap­ proachable villain, because I do not own a brick. There­ fore, I could not look for my name and stalk myself! Al­ though I’d probably be the easiest person for me to stalk.

I suggested that I bring my­ self in, but I didn’t like that suggestion too much. “The thing is,” I said to myself in the interview (or would that be an intraview?), “I can sell my services...there’ s this weird landlord guy who wouldn’t mind if 1 extin­ guished some of his residents, but they don’t have bricks, so I won’t do it. I’m not doing this for money, by the way. • I’m doing it because someone doctored a photo of me. 1 appear to be holding a knife.”

My conversation with my­ self started to get a bit philosohpical. “You see, I really woulnd’t harm anyone, but seeing that doctored photo put some thoughts into my head. It’s quite scary what a doctored photo can do. You can make it look like some famous star is doing some­ thing totally ridiculous, or that an important

public figure is hooking up with people he shouldn’t be hooking up with. Not that I have any particlars in mind. It’s just really scary, because the photos can look so real! They say a story tells a thousand words. The casual observer would see a picture and read a thou­ sand of the wrong words!”

1 was getting bored of my conversation with myself, which is in and of itself a little bizarre (how can one become bored of one’s self?) so I decided to stop the interview. But watch out for me! I’m currently seeking counseling. It’s too bad that my first counse­ lor owned a brick. Oh well. That’s the way the Editor ‘n’ Chef crumbles...

NUDEBEACH PHOTO / STOLEN

The killer, calmly pondering if his subject owns a brick on the Quad.

Nl l h m ji

M o n d a y , A p r il 1,1996

M

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N ew s

WPI The History of Tradition: Presidents Past and Present

by Ira Member Class Historian It is a well known fact that when looking for a president for such a fine standing insti­ tution as this, there are certain criteria that must be fulfilled by its administrative appli­ cants. While pride, dignity, intelligence, devotion and ingenuity are important, WPI has been looking more importantly at one other item on the checklist - good old-fash­ ioned sexual prowess. As the fourteenth president of Worcester Polytech, President Parrish has the reputation of a long line of men at stake. Rumors fly as to what new and innovative ideas he will bring to campus during his term here as president.

“I was told by my predecessor not to look at it as pornography, but merely the art of expression," replied Parrish when asked what he thought about his new obligations. “John Lott Brown was highly respected by the stu­ dents for his abilities [to throw a helluva party], so I have a lot to live up to!"

All fourteen presidents have had one or more outstanding libidinous characteristics that they contributed to the WPI community.

It all started with our first president, Stephen Salisbury II. Associates knocking on his office door would often hear muffled gasps and the slamming of the closet before Salisbury would actually answer the door, undergarments hanging out of his slacks. His maid habitually found lambskin in the trash barrel and David Whitcome complained to the Head of Plant Services that he frequently heard the creaking of ceiling boards and a sound like the crashing of books “as if off of a desk" followed by an exclamation by Presi­ dent Salisbury in the office above him. It was no secret that he also liked to walk through the barn and lovingly pat his horse. Cupcake, on its bum.

In more recent years, former President Jon Strauss was seen baring it all in his act “Technological Titillation” at The Slick Banana. His sole purpose in performing was to earn funds to be used here at WPI. He was the first president to use his erotic skills for the good of the community in­ stead of just fulfilling his own animalistic needs. One hundred percent of the cash he

made as Jackhammer Jonny, the Animal Administrator went towards funding the soon to be realized campus center. The entire campus was greatly saddened by the loss of such a dedicated, talented, and well endowed president in the name of medical research.

John Lott Brown, former Interim Presi­ dent, enjoyed the many “perks” that came with the job. In addition to the many open keg parties held in his office. Brown also ran a prostitution ring on Piedmont Street. Many male students suffering from the six to one ratio here on campus used their parents’ money to “land them a chick.” Brown was quoted as saying, “When I attended WPI, there were no women students on campus...that’s when I made my connections with Rico downtown. He helped me start my own ring whose service I provided to the entire campus.”

In searching for the fourteenth presi­ dent, the Presidential Search Committee had many difficult decisions to make. For example, there was a women on the list of potentials. “Despite affirmative action and equal rights legislation, there are still laws!” one committee member was quoted as saying. Another important consider­ ation was attracting more students to this college. These provocative presidential qualifications (referred to as W PI’s other plan) have since become a tool to recruit more freshman. “ It is now possible for us to promise prospectives complete carnal knowledge not offered at any other school.

In response to the request of the majority of current students, we are directing this campaign of our president’s many unique talents and vast experience towards at­ tracting female students,” said an anony­ mous person in the Admissions office.

“While other schools in the area have generally frowned upon this, (i.e. Holy Cross, Assumption, Anna Maria), we feel that this is one college adventure we can’t deny ourselves or our students,” offered Chris Jachimowicz, Director of Student Activities.

Be a part of WPI and Parrish’s history and tradition! Look for upcoming events in the Nudebeach Wassup column!

Virus plagues campus commuters A dangerous new virus has been found in commuters all over campus, says the Campus Commuting Center. “We really don’t know where it came from, “says an unidentified source from the CCC, “but we encourage all studs to get regular examinations if they have come in contact with a commuter.”

Jim Franco, a stud from the Class of ’94, relates this incident: “I only rode with her one time, and I didn’t think we had gone far enough. Then I found out about this virus.”

Studs are reminded that it only takes one contact with an infected commuter to spread this virus. Although there is a cure, it is a long and painful “reformatting” process. The CCC recommends that no studs ride with commuters they don’t know well and who might have driven with more than three other pepole in the past three months. The best protection is to find another method of transportation, but if you do find it necessary to ride with a commuter, be sure lo drive safely.

WPI enters Guiness Book of World Records

by Don Joe Editor of something WPI has just been entered into the Guiness book ofjscords for accepting the oldest un­ dergraduate student ever. Edmund Steinbeck, aged 132 of Worcester, Massachusetts, ap­ plied to WPI last year, seeking a bachelor of science degree, in history.

Mr. Steinbeck was born on February, 29, 1864 to a immigrant farming family. Mr. Steinbeck worked on the family farm, until his father died of typhoid in 1888, at which point he took over the farm. An uneducated man, Steinbeck got married and had 16 chil­ dren, 34 grandchildren, and 63 great grand­ children. After the industrial revolution Steinbeck had to leave the farm and start work in a factory to sustain his large family.

In the first World War he got drafted into the army. After being seriously wounded in Northern France, he received a hero’s wel­ come on his return to the US. Steinbeck had to work hard through the depression, and started studying in an attempt to get a better job, and received a high school diploma in 1931. In 1932 he started studying at Clark University in an effort to gain a degree car­ pentry. Unfortunately, Steinbeck didn’t have the chance to get a degree from Clark as he had to discontinue his studies after having been offered the director’s position at Mor­ gan Construction.

Early this year, when Alexander Steinbeck, his great grandchild from Sussex, UK said

that he wanted to come and study at WPI, but was not very confident. Mr. Steinbeck said that he would come study with him and ap­ plied to WPI. The admissions department was impressed by both applicants credentials and essays and decided to accept them. When Alexander got accepted by Oxford Univer­ sity, UK Mr. Steinbeck wasn’t sure about coming to WPI. After being persuaded by friends and WPI faculty, Steinbeck decided to come to WPI, When Steinbeck enters WPI this fall he will try to transfer his course credits from Clark University. The Guiness Book of World Records will come to WPI on September 19th, to induct Mr. Steinbeck as the oldest person in the world to be accepted to and study in a university, and the oldest person to transfer credits from one college to another.

Other entries in the book will include longest period between transfer of credits from one college to another, and college with oldest student.

In a press release the Admission’s office said “We are glad to have a person with the experience and background, that Mr. Steinbeck has. He has lived through the two greatest wars, the industrial revolution, and the depression. We have so much to learn from him, and we hope he can learn from us.

We also hope that the publicity will place WPI on the map” Mr. Steinbeck is very enthusiastic about going back to college, “ It is very exciting, I feel young again”

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NUDEBEACH PHOTO / STOLEN

Seth Sweeter, "a craft man with language" who helped draft John Boynton's ideas for what would become Worcester Polytechnic Institute, with an unidentified female.

STAG to escort lonely students

by Horace Schitt Contributing Writer SNAP is a great resource to use when you’re walking alone and you don’t want to be mugged, shot, killed, maimed, hurt, bruised, damaged, maltreated, injured, frightened, scared, spooked, alarmed, freaked out, and so on. But who do you turn to when you just don’t want to be alone'l The Student Transportation and Gratification (STAG) organization is here for you! This new stud organ was created recently in response to the demand for a “fuller-featured” escort ser­ vice. At the latest SAGA meeting, a prominent senator was quoted as saying, “Frankly, I’m disappointed by the inability of this fine institu­ tion to prepare us for life. No, not academic life, but social life. I think an escort service would alleviate these feelings that so many of us have.

Now excuse me while I spank my monkey.”

(PETA was later called to investigate after an apparently bruised monkey ran across the floor at the SAGA meeting) STAG is looking for members who might want to help escort people around campus. Fri­ day and Saturday nights would be the busiest, since that’s when most of the parties are held on campus. Of course, so few people have people to go with them, this escort service should prove to benefit the campus community greatly. Send your resumes to Jackie M. at Box 98661. She'll be really psyched to get your resume!

Escort prices begin at $50 an hour for just dancing and partying. However, escorts knowledgebale in Differential Calculus and Maple are also available for an addition $30 per hour.

J o in

N u d e b e a c h !

D e p r iv e o f s le e p

y o u r s e lf a n d

n u t r it io n !

This space reserved in protest of the Oorrirmcations Decency Act. Special thanks goes to the Internet, without whose perverts this issue could not have been created.

M o n d a y , A p r il 1,1996

N ldbeeach

Page 8

P o l ic e L o g Thursday, March 28 6:28am - Tresspassing: Harrington Gym, 27 non-students.

10:09am - Parking: Quod clcarcd for Alumni event.

1:17pm - Report: Student calls re: physics professor’s illegal activity.

1:29pm -Olin: Physics professor taken into custody for breaking the law of gravity. WPD notified.

5:16pm - Access: 15 non-students to Nuclear Reactor.

8:03pm - Alarm: 15 non-students in Nuclear Reactor, EMS notified.

8:09pm -EMS: 15 non-students to UMass Medical.

Friday, March 29 12:53am - Lockout: Daniels 3rd. Officer Responds.

1:09am - Violation: Possible drug violation, Daniels 3rd.

1:1 lam -Alarm: Fire alarm, Daniels hall. WFD not notified, source of fire found at drug violation.

12:23pm - Removed: Black dog, 3’6”, shaggy coat with no collar, from wedge.

1:19pm - Removed: Black dog, see 12:23pm, from Nuclear Reactor. Warning given.

2:39pm - Lost: Pants, from Student Life office. Mr. Jachimowitz seemed peturbed.

5:48pm -EMS: Call from wedge area. Student w/ lacerations from foam boffer sword.

8:30pm - Found: College ID. Becker PD notified.

11:13pm - Noise Complaint: Healthy Alternatives House. Officer responds.

11:58pm - Noise Complaint: Healthy Alternatives House. Officer responds.

Saturday, March 30 12:19pm - Report: of large rats sprawling through Freeman Plaza area. Officer responds.

1:13pm -Search: for officer sent to check on rats. Freeman Plaza not clear.

3:09pm -Lost: Officers feared lost to rats.

5:37am - Sunrise: Rats boil up and disapper, no sign of Officers.

9:53am - Report: Middle-aged man seen running through quod, lacking clothing.

10:04am - Report: confirmed, man resembling president Parrish streaking over campus. Suspect screaming unintelligibly.

10:06am -Clear: Suspect out of sight, will contact President’s office on Monday for confirmation.

12:30pm - Report: Stolen artwork from library. Pornographic pictures removed from third floor foyer. Officer responds.

1:15pm - Report: filed, pomograhic art indeed stolen. Note found, reads of the end of the world.

2:03pm - Report: student called, lost favorite bic pen. WPD called for backup.

3:13pm - Called in: Plant Services, for full-campus search. Bic pen proves elusive.

7:19pm - Unknown problem: Call from emergency call box. Unintelligible noise from call. Call disregarded.

9:00pm - Rounds: Unusual heap of clothing near Gordon Library Call box.

9:06pm - Rounds: Salisbury biology labs unlocked, unusual sounds from the third floor.

9:09pm - Report: Salisbury Labs, third floor. Lab animals have established a monarchic govern­ ment.

9:1 lpm - Report: No success in capturing King Rat, Salisbury evacuated until further notice.

11:20pm -Quod: Mass protests by biology students re: King Rat’s imprisonment.

Sunday, March 31 8:30am - Alarm: Alden Memorial Hall. Middle-aged man in black dress seen fleeing from scene.

WPD notified, with description.

8:47am - Apprehended: suspect w/ close resemblance to Fr. Scanlon, in the wedge area. Pleas innocence.

8:49am - EMS: Fr. Scanlon boffed by crazed vigilante wedgerat. Transport to UMass.

12:57pm -Clear: Quod cleared with release of King Rat. Hormones have worn off. Biology lab

What's Happening

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Monday, April 1 April Fool’s Day 12:00pm - Lecture: President Parrish Pronounces “Plutonium Powered Porno­ graphic Projectors: Pipedream or Plausible Possibility?,” Pereault.

4:30pm - Department of Computer Science Colloquium: “69 Security Faults in WPI’s computer systems,” Pereault Hall.

Tuesday, April 2 6:00pm -SGA Beateing, Lower Wedge.

8:00pm -Concert: Wierd Al Yankovic, Harrington Gymnasium.

Wednesday, April 3 11:00am -Department of Chemistry Colloquium: “101 Ways to construct a bomb with just simple household items,” presented by MacGyver Goddard Hall 227.

Thursday, April 4 4:30pm -Quadfest Meeting, Goat’s Getting Head Room.

Friday, April 5 6:00pm -WPI’s first annual Hack-a-thon, ADP. 10:00pm -Satanic Sacrifice, Higgins House Great Hall.

Saturday, April 6 4:30pm -Protest Warship Service, Morgan Battle Room A. Sunday, April 7 Ester Sunday 11:30am - Nudist Catholic Mass, Morgan 3rd’s Bathroom. No clothes allowed.

1:00pm -Party: President Parrish’s SEX PARTY. 6:00pm -Satanic Bible Study, Founder’s Study Room.

6:30pm & 9:30pm - Film: “Wonderful Wendy Whips Whoopie Wrascals”, Perreault Hall, $2/5.

instructors warned to be more careful.

2:43pm - Tresspassing: 15 non-students removed from Alumni gym.

3:25pm - Found: blue bic pen. Student notified, WPD search teams called off. Student reports finding another favorite pen, yet commends WPIPD for efforts.

6:53pm - Flood: Projection booth flooding, students watching movie flee.

7:00pm -Called: Plumber, for projection booth. Plumber is occupied with nookie and will arrive in the morning.

7:07pm -Cancelled: All events in Fuller Labs until further notice due to the fact that it is flooded.

8:20pm - Notice: PETA called re Michael Jackson show 8:25pm - Alarm: Something broken at Alpha Rho Rho Rho; Herb is main suspect 9:00pm - Serial killer apprehended

ATTENTION FRESHMEN! TO GET LAID, YOU NEED EXPERIENCE TO GET EXPERIENCE, YOU NEED TO GET LAID TRY STAG! STAG IS THE NEW STUDENT TRANSPORTATION AND GRATIFICATION ORGANIZATION. FIND OUT HOW STAG CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR FUTURE COME TO OUR MEETING TODAY, APRIL 1, AT 5:00AM IN ALDEN MEMORIAL (WHERE MICHAEL SPANKED HIS MONKEY, TUGGED HIS TURTLE, ANC CHOKED HIS CHICKEN) COME MEET WITH EXPERIENCED STAG MEMBERS!