1997 v25 special

Tuesday, April 1, 1984

The Student Newspaper of Y/e Petfer Initials

I n T h is I s s u e ...

Tunnels are a hoax ..... . . . . 2 Cult corners .................. ....4 Thought Police log ..... . . . . 8

Real Parrish and Socko: who’s in charge here? brain to form under the center knuckle. els. Can you im agine drying o ff after a breezes, rustling the fine hairs .... But I di­ gress. H and dryers are the next big change.

NB: W hat did you do over the next few show er with a paper bag. The rush o f warm NB: I ’m sure the question m ost on y ears? ev ery b o d y ’s mind is: Why the sock?

RH: Well it took RH: It was winter, I was cold. C an’t me a few w eeks to be too careful these days. le a rn e n o u g h to NB: Tell us: How much o f an im­ function. A nd until pact does Socko have on decisions I cam e to W PI I was content to ju s t offer m ade by the Big A ?

RH: Oh, you'd be surprised. C am ­ a few su g g e stio n s pus C enter? Not a chance unless now a n d a g a in . good ol' Socko here approved.

Now that I am here I NB: For how long has Socko been plan to start radical w ith you? changes. I decided RH: Well, S ocko and I go back that I w as no longer quite some time. You know how those content w ith being sock puppets can b e so hard to get in the pocket all of the tim e. aw ay from.

NB: W hat is the NB: Not really. b ig g e s t p o lic y RH: That's okay, I don't ex p ect ev­ change you plan to eryone to understand.

President Parrish is first sighted with Socko during a conference. People NB: I suppose that is not neces­ im plem ent at W PI. attending the conference had trouble distinguishing the real puppet.

RH: H and d ry ­ sary. Well, Thank you very m uch for ers. T here is noth­ this unique opportunity. ing w orse after w ashing than having to rub a ir is m uch better. The warm air sw eeping RH: A nytim e. Say good bye, Socko! m yself raw on these sandpaper-like tow ­ o v er you is rem iniscent o f warm sum m er Socko: G ood bye, Socko!

by Armand Junger Sources close to C om rade Parrrish have disclosed the true inner w orkings o f the A dm inistration. In a recent interview our source inform ed us that the true decision pow er is held by P a rrish ’s sock puppet, Socko. W hen Parrish was confronted with these accusations he decided not to com ­ m ent, how ever, his right hand agreed to an interview: N ew sbeep: W hen did you becom e the leading decision-m aker at W PI? R ight-H and: Well when the rest o f my body becam e P resident this year I cam e along for the ride. W hen I found that I could have the entire com m unity in my grip I decided to take over.

NB: How did you becom e so intelli­ gent?

RH: W hile my body was w orking on an E lectrical E ngineering research project at the U niversity o f V irginia in 19 7 1 I re ­ ceiv ed a v io len t e lectrical shock. T his shock apparently activated dorm ant parts o f my DNA and caused an extrem ely dense

New tradition started at WPI

by Scythe Xanthopoulous Waklszkiewicz Sort-of -a-reporter The Inner Party has determ ined that WPI does not have enough obscure, pointless traditions. To give the current generation o f W P I s tu ­ dents a closer co nnectio n to th e a lr e a d y w a rp e d h i s ­ to ry o f th e s c h o o l, th e Cult Festival, a new tradition, has been initi­ ated this year.

T h e C u lt F e s tiv a l is a w e ek lo n g e v e n t, c e l­ e b r a tin g c u lt pride. In order to p ro m o te un ity an d d i­ v e r s ity , all types o f cults are encouraged to p artici­ pate. R epresentatives from a wide variety o f cults participated in this y ears’ cult fes­ tival. Som e cults represented include: Sa­

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tanic C ults, O rw ellian Societies, SGA, the C ult o f C thulhu, Skull, the O ne T rue Holy C elestial Path o f E nlightenm ent Through Spritual F ortitude (form erly know n as the R ailroad club), the C arrots, and the newly

NEWSDEEP PHOTO CREDIT / SOMEONE

form ed W ashburn cult.

The O rder o f Apathy has been excluded from the cult festival this year for lack o f

of

See C ult Week coninued on p a g e 2

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666

WPI’s front page held hostage

by Diva Koala Editor Amaretto

homepage and the FBI homepage.

“We’ve been hacked!” sighed Big Brother Parrish, until he saw the ransom note. Then he understood the true nature o f the situation.

Pablo Verde, a WPI student recently cred­ ited with finding a bug in a major M acro$oft application, had som ething to saw about this as w ell: “ Heh heh. C o o l.”

With any luck, the web page hostage takers will discover that the WPI community really does appreciate all of the work that goes into a five-star web page.

Even though it requires a helluva lot of docum ents to be HTM Lized.

The W PI Web Page M asters™ , Trojan T hom aspson and A im ey M arrrr, have held the W PI hom epage hostage! D um -dum dum!

Until their dem ands are m et, the hostage takers have put up a new hom epage on the Web (h ttp ://w w w .w p i.ed u ). W P I’s new front page advertises the true m eaning o f our acronym — We Prefer Initials — as well as silly graphics.

“Our dem ands are simple,” wrote the evil­ doers in their HTM Lized ransom note. “We want <B>each</B> and <B>every</B> member o f the We Prefer Initials com m unity to appreciate the hard work that goes in to a re s p e c ta b le homepage. We will take prisoners! You just don’t understand all the time it takes to make this thing look good < I> and< /I> work well !<BR>” Marrrr added, “If I have to put HTML tags in one more freakin’ document I ’m going to get out my G lo c k and m u rd e riz e someone dead.”

This recent develop­ ment comes on the heals o f W PI’s web page “win­ ning the gold” as well as NEWS REAKS STAFF PHOTO / SOCIALIST STAFF PHOTO the recent hackings o f such pages as the CIA The WPI homepage, until the terrorists' demands are met.

Page 2

T o o l s d a y , A pr il l , 1999

A p r il F o o l s

M oos

Campus improvements on campus

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n e c e s s a r y and h a s b e e n a b o lis h e d .

N ew sbeep will be the sole source of in ­ form ation at WPI. T he N ewsbeep office T h ere has been recen t c o n cern that will now be referred to as the M inistry o f W PI is an ungood place to be. T his is T ruth. u n tru e . To e n fo rc e an atm o sp h e re o f The B oard o f T rustees will now be unity and com radeship, the Inner Party honorary m em bers o f the Inner Party. has m ade the follow ing doubleplusgood ^ To re d u c e the am o u n t o f O ld th in k , im provem ents to the cam pus: ^ N ew speak will now be im plem ented as the official language o f W PI. (*• President Edward Parrish will now be ® Student G overnm ent A ssociation has referred to Big B rother Parrish and his been revealed to be a rebel collective un3 leadership role has been extended to in­ der the pow er of Emmanuel Goldstein and U . clude om nipresence. has been aboilished. Ignore all future ref­ Freem an Plaza will now be know n as erences. h V ictory Square.

The existence o f West Street has been T he office o f accounting will now be show n to be untrue. Ignore all future know n as the M inistry o f Plenty. references.

Plant Services will now be know n as the M inistry o f Efficiency.

Any questions or concerns regarding * The College C om puter Center will now these im provem ents should be directed be know n as the M inistry of Inform ation. to the T hought Police, The W PI News Service is no longer Room 101, x 1984.

by Scythe Xanthopoulous Waklszkiewicz

Tlmnels are Plant Services hoax casional piece of high fidelity equipment from some poor student organizations.

A c c o rd in g to h ig h ly c o n fid e n tia l sources, the tunnels are actually holes to parallel dim ensions in ulterior w orlds, where movement is restricted to two inches N ew stick has received notice from a per minute, since som eone forgot how to semi-reliable source that Plant Services has turn the alarm off many eons ago. It is to not been completely on the level with the these places re s t o f the w h ere o ld know n w orld so c k s, p e n s and otherwise and o ld ab o u t its a c ­ books disap­ tual activities pear to, and concerning the becom e lo st steam tunnels in the never w h ic h are ending flow fabled to run o f m aterials ju s t b e n e a th from one end the surface o f o f the tunnel m any a re a s to the other. a ro u n d c a m ­ By p re s s p u s. A s r e ­ time, a team p o rte d in an earlier edition This is an actual photo from the tunnel to the alternate of specialists o f N e w se e p , dimension, was p re p a r­ ing to d elve there is indeed into the mysteries o f this area. Only one some type o f superstructure just out o f our picture has been captured o f the odd phe­ reach. In this area, our sources have con­ nom ena which constitutes the boundary firmed that not only Plant Services has been between this world and the next. Many affected by this area. Rumor has it that the lives were spent fruitlessly in order to bring “tunnels” are also the final destination for this issue to light.

Sq q unwanted TAs, check requests, and the oc­

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Origin of DAKA’s soilent green discovered A student was seen running from M or­ gan Com m ons the other day, waving a book in the air, screaming, “It’s a cook­ book!”

The book, a DAKA m anual entitled, “How to Serve Students,” was acquired by New Deal after a group o f reporters beat the hell out of the maniacal student. The book co n tain ed vario u s recip es which seemed to contain student bodies as a main ingredient. One recipe, Cam pus Center Supreme, called for an entire student body.

W hen q u e s tio n e d a b o u t th e book, DAKA mob boss Dakajoe denied that he knew anything about the book, and added, “You dam n reporters! W h at’s next — theivery o f our Roadkill cookbook? Oops... um, I mean... aw shit...”

It has been noted that DAKA meals have been better since the start of D-term. Big Brother Edward A. Parrish attributes this to the acquisition o f better students. “As

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Cult Week: Lots of fun for all.

Continued from page 1 participation in cam pus activities. In an exclusive interview, the leader was quoted as saying “We don’t care.” When ques­ tioned further, the leader responded with a blank stare and walked away.

Alumni cult members also attended the festivities. It was fun to sec how they’ve reincarnated since their years at WPI. A special seance was held in honor of Gompei Kuwada. Attempts were made to contact his spirit, hut were unsucessful.

However, the spirit o f Gompei’s original goat was contacted sucessfully. The spirit

o f the goat delivered the following m es­ sage to the WPI com m unity. “ B aaa....

Please return my head.... baaa.... My soul will not be at peace until my body is to ­ gether again....baaa” . Special thanks to the WPI M etaphysical society for providing ouija boards and candles.

B e c a u se o f the p o s itiv e re s p o n s e s recieved from cult week, Big Brother Parrish has declared April to be cult awareness month. For those members of the WPI com ­ munity who are not involved in cults, please post your ignorant and oppressive remarks to wpi.cvents.

the caliber o f our students increase, so does the quality of our food.”

It has also been noticed that various D AKA em ployees have not been seen since the start o f the term. This coincides with a seeming abundance o f spare ribs and London broil. In DAKA, there has been such an explosion in the availability o f food that some chefs are forced to work outside of the kitchen; they cook the sur­ plus right in front o f the dining students.

“It’s scary,” commented one senior. “I’m almost afraid that they’ll get me on the way in and I’ll never see graduation!”

The freshpeople, however, seem uncon­ cerned about the graduation o f students.

“We all don’t give a hoot if them there se­ niors ain’t graduatin’. Them hamburgers been the best I’s had in ages,” contributed Billy Bob Joe Jones ‘00.

Billy Bob Joe also noted that last week, when Hunan Beef was on the menu, the meal tasted amazingly like Human Beef.

“That there beef was damn good, too,” said Jones. “Tasted like jerky.”

by Diva Koala Editor Amaretto

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A pril F o o l s

Sn o o z e

Controversy surrounds atomic bomb MQP; no one cares

by Zalen Andrews Newbeat staph “ I t ’s r i ­ d ic u lo u s ,” said Prentice Fim e, one o f the members of th e p r o j e c t

group w ork­ in g to c o n ­ s tr u c t th e w o rld 's first s t u d e n t -

b u ilt t h e r ­ m o n u c le a r device. “We h a v e e v e ry right to pur­ sue th is project. The o p p o s it i o n w e ’ve e n ­ countered is ju s t a sym p­ to m o f th e pathetically spineless adm inistration we have here at W P I.” Prentice speaks o f his MQP, the final product o f w hich is to be a working therm onuclear bom b.

T he project, which began in B-Term, w as not b ro u g h t to p u b lic a tte n tio n so o n er due to the deceptive name under w h ic h th e p r o je c t w as re g is te re d . “ A p p lic a tio n s of N u c le a r P o w er in G lo ­ bal Issu e s” w a s firs t b e ­ liev e d to be a nuclear energy p ro je c t aim ed a t solving the w o rld e n e rg y c r is is . H o w ­ e v e r , as th e project reaches its final stages, t h e tru th h a s been uncov­ ered.

“We feel that w e can have a p ro fo u n d and la s tin g in f lu ­ ence on the world if our apartment becomes a nuclear power,” said Kalias Hail, another o f the group’s members. W hen asked his personal motives for choosing the project

M ore m oos

Cult monument in Athletic Field

by Frambu Nacknoodle

hope that turn into profound and utter m is­ ery as life pours another helping of gar­ bage on you. Soon your sorry existence will feel like nothing but a lead weight in your gut, and you’ll want m ore than any­ thing for it to end, no matter what it takes.

And then, oh y es, th e n , you'll give in - you’ll su r­ ren d er, and take the final p lu n g e in to

Sports fans were left frustrated as all ath­ letic events on the field were canceled this week, due to the mysterious stone m onu­ ment constructed in the center o f the play­ ing area. With so many cults and fnord secret societies on campus, it will be virtually im­ possible to fig­ ure out who was re s p o n s ib le .

Well, I suppose a b s o l u t e w e co u ld ju s t oblivion, and w atch and see accep t th a t w h o uses th e jo b o ffe r structure for bi­ f r o m z a rre ritu a ls .

Microsoft. I O k a y , so w e pity you. h a d n ’t thought So, back to o f that. You nit­ the rocks. picking jerks out Monument sighted on Alumni Field.

T hey’re still there with noth­ there. Hey, if ing better to do than complain are what you’re part of the cult that put 'em there, tell makes this job so thankless and unfulfilling. your buddies that 1 said th ey ’re cool, but Do you have any idea how much it sucks that it was a stupid place to put ‘cm. Why to work for hours to produce a paper about not stick the silly things in Alumni Plaza? the complete lack o f events on campus just There’s nothing there yet. O h, wait, there’s so it can be ignored by the entire student that ridiculous bulge in the brickwork with a population? Huh? Do you?! hole in it they call a fountain. It’s ridiculous, Anyway, there’s big blocks o f stone in isn’t it? I mean, if they’re going to — Uh, oh, the middle o f the field now. They look cool.

I think I hear the Thought Police coming Get o ff your lazy inactive rear and go sec best continue my subversive activities else­ them. Pretend that you’re alive for a day. where. Tata.

It’ll all be over when you hit the real world « < A tte n tio n . T h is nonarticle and find out that life is just one confidencedoes not exist - failure to fail to acknow l­ shattering meaningless failure after another, edge this nonarticle is a Thoughtcrim e. interrupted only by shining m om ents of You have been warned. » >

he replied, “I’m in it for the power.” Prentice replied that he joined the project for purely scientific reasons, and has no intention of launching the w eapon. H ow ever, the group’s third member has different ideas, it would seem.

“I will scourge the blight o f hum anity from this w orthless ro c k .” said K ’rrzl Er23. K ’rr/.l. who prefers to be referred to as “G reat O ne,” seems to be som ew hat antisocial. In fact, he has resisted all at­ tem pts to convince him to jo in one o f the cam pus’s many cults. “ I will w orship no other,” he said, when questioned on the subject. “ I will begin my own cult, and others may bask in my righteous glory.”

W ell, K ’rrz l and h is o d d ly n am ed project partners aren ’t going to be ra k ­ ing in much glory if the rest o f the ca m ­ pus has anything to say about it. M any students ju st w on’t stand for one group o f three students (or even two students and one giant lum inescent levitating j e l ­ lyfish for that matter) becom ing a nuclear power. “ If they get to build an atom ic bom b it will underm ine our m ilitary superiority!” said one Biotechnology major. “O ur bio­ lo g ica l w eapons w o n ’t even begin to start liquifying peo p le’s internal organs before they can turn us all into p erm a­ nent shadow s. It sh o uldn’t be allo w ed .”

Special student joins pecking order at WPI W PI is the recognition. “Turkeys just love fam e!” he told us. He also appreciates the fact that WPI is built so close to Institute Beginning next year, W PI has plans to park, one of his favorite hangouts. initiate a new program, the Cross-Species Students who are a part of the pilot pro­ Study Program, which will recruit more stu­ gram are also required to go to meetings dents to campus. According to Bessie Bo­ with a counselor once a week to help with vine, Head Student Recruitment Official, the expected adjustment period. “We find there is a huge number of non-homo sapien that while these students do make friends, s tu d e n ts lo o k in g to a tte n d te c h n ic a l they are not often invited to social gather­ schools. “ If WPI was the first technical ings,” says Patrick Porcine, Inter-Species university to recruit these non-human stu­ C ounselor. “We are anticipating an in­ dents, we would have a terrific advantage,” creased need for counseling for the non­ she told us. “Although these are not usu­ hom o sapiens students as they adjust to ally higher ability to pay students, they hum an culture and behavior. Some will re­ definately widen W PI’s cultural and widequire intense counseling during their en ­ ranging appeal.” tire stay at W PI, while others adjust quite Contrary to rumors, we were told that quickly and seem to fit right in.” this program was not begun to halt an up­ Plans were origi­ com ing species nally made to house d is c rim in a tio n th e se sp ecial s tu ­ su it.

S e v e ra l dents in the dorm s non-hum an stu­ right along with the d ents w ere a p ­ rest o f the stu d en t parently denied body. However, sev­ a d m issio n to eral Haws arose which WPI in the class required that the stu­ o ff 2000 and at dents be boarded in le ast o n e d e ­ o u tsid e h o u sin g . cided to sue the 'T here were just too school. The suit m any d iffe re n t w as d ro p p e d lifestyles to take into once WPI agreed a c c o u n t,” stated to open a d m is­ Roberta Rodentia in sio n s to o th e r an interview. “For one species, but ad­ thing, many o f the m inistrators we non-human students spoke to said this d o n ’t bathe fr e ­ was only the last quently and have dif­ NKWSQUAK STAFF PHOTO / LISA BARTEE ste p in a long ficulty adjusting to process to open Todd Turkey, seen leaving his off campus apartment using toilets. This the school to all created a certain de­ animals. gree of tension between them and their roomMany students have seen Todd Turkey and floor-mates. Also, our rooms are just on campus beginning last term. Todd is a not equiped to deal with the sleeping habits member o f the pilot program, which started o f so many species. We found it was easier in January, 1997. This sem ester long trial to house students off-campus.” is designed to test the feasibility o f the The pilot program seems lo be go­ Cross-Species Study Program. The stu­ ing well, and Todd is planning to continue dents attend classes in their chosen major class at WPI next year. You can expect to see as well as an ESL course. Todd is a C hem ­ him, and a wide variety o f other species start­ istry/Humanities double major. He is be­ ing in A97. A final note from the counseling ginning his M QP this term and can often department, whose representative said, “the be seen hanging around outside Goddard, most important thing is to treat them just like waiting for experiments to finish. He says you would treat any other student. Remem­ the best part about com ing to school at ber, people are animals, too.”

by Nina Ratt Reporter-at-large

Page 4

T o o l s d a y , A pril 1 ,1 9 9 9

A pril F o o l s

CultCorner

Washburn cult Welcome to our first cult corner. Since many o f you do not know about the club, w e’ll tell you a little about ourselves. We have been inspired by the existing WPI tra­ ditions. Since we weren’t creative enough to come up w ith our own ideas, we have stolen our nam e and logo. We wanted to use a moon and sickle, but it was already taken. Instead, w e’ve decided to lake our name from the Washburn shops and our logo will be the arm and hammer. Since ev­ erything in cam pus is named after every­ th in g else anyw ay, we fig u red people w o u ld n 't n o tic e a n o th e r W ash b u rn .

We’ve decided that our main gods are the golden arm and hammer weathervanc and the nuclear reactor. If you would like to suggest o th e r pagan gods to w orship, please let an officer know. Our next meet­ ing will be in Washburn, in the supply closet on the second floor. We will be dis­ cussing the benefits o f o u r association with the Arm and Hammer Baking Soda Company. We also have to fill out some paperwork fo r SGA if we want organiza­ tional status. This won’t be a problem un­ less they m ake us fill out a 27B-6, (those bastards and their paperwork...)

Also, this Friday night, we will be hav­ ing our first weekly sacrifice in the nuclear reactor facility at the stroke o f midnight.

DAKA S om eone sto le o u r dam n co o kbook again!!! Until all bribes arc paid, no human beef will be served. Speaking of bribes, our treasury is running a little low these days, so w e’re going to have to raise meal plan prices again. Do not disclose any informa­ tion about the contents o f the cookbook to ANYONE! (Especially those pesky News Real reporters)

Order of Apathy- (No cult corner submitted) WPI Metaphysical Society Hi everyone! Arc your auras in synch?

Good! Today we’re going to channel our positive energies tow ards creating har­ mony on our poor campus. All these cults and secret societies everywhere mean that no one is really socializing like they used lo, and the number o f inter-cult-feud re­ lated deaths has soared. Why, ju st last week we lost two of our members to those rotten Cthulhu guys. They just aren’t cen­ tered. Anyway, be sure to bring your in­ cense and Kirilian cameras to next week’s meeting - w e ’re going to be holding an­ other seance.

SGA Our grip on the minds o f the student body is w eakening! The recent increase in cults has dragged many o f our feeble puppets aw ay from the true path to world supremacy. However, there is hope, now that all cults that wish to be form ally rec­ ognized on cam pus must com e to us for funding. T h e re ’s word that Big B rother

is going to try to abolish us, though, so keep your eyes peeled for the T hought Police.

The Cult of Cthulhu Ph-nglui m glw ’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh w aa h ’nagl fhtagn. O ur hour is nearly at h an d , b ro th ers, siste rs, and m isc e lla ­ neous others. Soon our great m aster will rise from the depths o f the sea and stomp o ur enem ies into a gooey paste. W on’t that be fun? Until then, w e’re having an o th e r b arbecue this w eek, and then w e’ll be sum m oning blasphem ous elder transcosm ic horrors from behind time this Friday at about 6:30.

Red Threat) Welcome. Join the Orange Wave. Em ­ brace the supremacy of vegetables. Relin­ quish your minds to the Bunch. Existing members - our movement gathers strength as we supplant the consciousness o f more and more W PIanians. We must combat those who would stand in the path of veg­ etable rule, however. Our quest is imperil­ led by revelations o f our tactics and weak­ nesses on the web, at www.wpi.edu/~wes/ carrot.htm. We will be meeting this Thurs­ day at 23:23 to determine how best to re­ move this obstacle. Until then, long live our glorious vegetable army.

The Mystic Clan of

Skull

Surreality

If you h a v e n ’t already noticed, w e’re no longer the only cult on cam pus. Our exclusivity has been threatened by the fo rm atio n o f o th er c u lts w hich have form ed under the notion that if they c a n ’t jo in our cult, they will start their own, or jo in a less exclusive cult. We will be hav­ ing an em ergency m eeting tonight to dis­ cuss strategies of how do deal with the sudden com petition for world dom ina­ tion.

The bitter seasons o f our souls have aligned with the crum bling breadsticks.

Embrace the candle wax as the elephants bring us the lightly boiled plastic machine parts we have foreseen on the horizons o f our tulips. Piano. Our next coalescence will be in our respective rooms when the rubber cement has dried. C opper string beans and narcotic sailboats until the day o f the island.

SFS

The One True Holy

What do you mean you’re the only cult on cam pus? Just because you have more prom inence in the sc h o o ls’ reputation, sheesh, what large egos you all must have.

You should be ashamed o f your fnord high amounts o f public exposure. Oh well, w e’ll get the w orld before you do! Heh heh he.......

WPI Satanic Society Another week, another descent to the depths of human depravity. <sigh>. Some o f us are starting to think that Satan might be kind o f a pushover in the grand scheme o f things, and we should turn our sights to a more potent icon o f evil, like DAKA, or Congress. Until then, w e’ll be holding our usual rituals around the spam altar in Free­ man Plaza. Everyone sharpen your knives, and wear clean robes - we want to look impressive and try to get some new mem­ bers.

Celestial Path of Enlightenment Through

store to look at model trains, which we will discuss at our next meeting.

D on’t forget the trip to Boston this Sat­ urday. We will see actual running subway trains and if we have enough time, we might even get to ride on one, so be sure to bring money for tokens, ju st in case.

The People’s Newspuppet Big Brother Parrish is doubleplusgood.

Spread Propaganda.... join our staff!!

WPI Astrological Society Hey everyone! Aries cult members, this is your month! This week will bring you a confrontation with others that will leave you stronger and more self-assured. Your moon is in Gemini, and stuff like that. Okay, that should be enough astrological crap to deflect any sane person. Now we get to the good stuff. O ur next strike against the o th er cults on cam pus will be this T u e sd a y , w hen w e w ill to rc h th e c la n h o u s c o f th e M y stic C lan o f Surreality - those lunatic bastards that called us “storm c lo u d s o f alum inum cans,” which I can only assum e must be some sort o f insult. Then w e’ll be m ov­ ing on to those incense-soaked freaks in the M etaphysical society. Oh, they’re gonna pay for saying our auras are o ffwhack. F r a g ‘e m a il.

Wrens and Kites

Spiritual Fortitude

We will be m eeting tomorrow in the big tree on the quad. Be sure to bring b in ­ oculars, kite string, and birdseed!

W e’re still trying to get the model trains running, but w e’ve made some progress.

We’re also planning a field trip to the hobby

*Contrary to unpopular opinion, G reg Snoddy does not have his own cult. *

1 2

t h

E d i t i o n

N ew speak D ic tio n a ry ^

&

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Socialist Committee This Thursday, in honor o f the Cult Fes­ tival, MSEC( Major Socialist Events Com ­ mittee) will be sponsoring a gathering to worship Big Brother in Harrington Audi­ torium at 7:00 pm. If anyone would like to help distribute propaganda... I mean, uh... hand out flyers advertising the event, we will be m eeting tomorrow afternoon in the Socomm headquarters.

The Great Orange Wave (not to be confused with the

in the WPI Bookstore All Citizens Must Purchase to be Free

Page 5

A pr il F o o l s

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Fl o o z e

Crew team brings up the stroke rate, plans to shoot the moon by the Kaiser News beat stag It has com e to the attention o f this re­ porter that the WPI M en’s Crew team has been stroking it up way too much in recent w eeks. T here have reports o f the rate reaching as high as 42 strokes per minute in recent races, heretofore referred to as Stroke-offs.

In response to this unbelieveable devel­ o p m e n t, V arsity tea m c a p ta in Seth Poppingcock was quoted as saying “What the fuck; w e’ve got to get it up in these events, or else the run will never be ad­

equate,” Strengthening their position dur­ ing the past season under the watchful eye o f coach “Pink” Floyd Floss, the team has been working very hard all w inter so that they could stroke it with all they could this spring. ‘Cause you know, it takes a lot of stamina to stroke it for as long as six and a half minutes. On a more somber note, prized stroker Phillip Morris Tongue-Lips-M outh has been put out of “action” recently due to a sad stroking accident which may have injured his back (don’t even ask).

On the Novice front, coach H. Cummen is very excited about the prospects for the com ing season. “T hose guys have

been stroking it and stroking it all w inter indoors. You d o n ’t know what th at’s like until it’s you on the m achine, sw eating and moa-” U nfortunately, the telephone connecting was cut o ff before the coach could finish her statem ent. One can be su re though th at the N o v ices w ill be shooting up and dow n the lake all spring, beating everyone w herever they go.

T h e team in v ite s the e n tire W P ee l com m unity dow n to the large body (of w a te r) f o rm e rly k n o w n as L a k e Q uinsigam ond for a full day o f strokeo ffs and h e a rty c o m p e titio n . W ho know s, the w om en’s team may even be

there to partake in the frivolities. Later in the season. Lake Floyd will also play host to one o f the greatest o f all strokeo ffs, the Eastern S pits. At this grand com petition, ivy league schools com pete in what they do best, stroking at a very high rating. A ccording to som e recent research, the “athletes” frequently black out at the end o f the com petition, due to over exertion. I d o n ’t know about you, but m aybe there is som ething to getting up at 4:30am and giving it all yo u ’ve got.

At that hour, it m ust be a challenge just trying not to get caught in the slide. From Lake Floyd, this is the K aiser reporting.

Ch e w s

“The Price is Death” to come to WPI by the Kaiser Newscrumb staff-a-holic O nce again, o u r w onderful Socialist Com m ittee has com e through with a great act this term , which m ay even surpass the tim ely wit o f Jam es Broke and the sw inging (hanging, that is) tunes o f Live and Billy Joey. Yes that right: “The Price is D eath” is com ing to WPI, com plete with Bob B arker and his evil scantilyclad h en ch w o m en !! A free taping is sch ed u led to be held tom orrow a fte r­ noon in the People’s Wedge at 13:00. You will need a signed contract with the devil and four pinky fingers (a delicacy in L.A.) to enter. All those not attending will be banished to K aven Hall for the rem ain­ der o f the term , and forced to eat small C S ’, s u p p lie d by th e S o c ia lis t C o m m itte e ’s e v il u n d e r lin g s at th e P eople’s Senate.

As usual. Comrade Barker will be hold­ ing the ritual sacrifice to the G reat W hite Rabbit, and will pick victim s at random from the p eo p le’s crow d. Be sure to ar­ rive early, since the dem and to meet the

Great W hite Rabbit w ill surely be high.

Who know s, it may be Y O U who is called to “C om e on and die!” in front o f a na­ tional au d ien ce o f D A K A d in ers and housew ives, all w aiting for a taste o f the action. You may have the opportunity to play “P lu c k it” , or even to spin the wheel o f disaster and fate, as your life flashes before your eyes. Just be careful not to fall into the p it o f guel and big nasty creatures; we all know how much that w ould suck.

In a final act o f g ra titu d e , C om rade B a rk e r h a s g r a n te d th e S o c ia lis t C o m m ittee’s request fo r a special skew ­ ing o f one o f our fellow students. A fter spending a couple hours with W P I’s own World o f Tape Society, the lucky winner will be sure to spontaneously com bust in a final blaze o f glory. So com e on and die, th is W ednesday in the P e o p le ’s Wedge! D on’t forget your com pleted fin­ gers and service contract!

(This story modified and edited heavily, after num erous threats from the Union o f Evil Socialist G raduates A ssociation, esq.]

Eat at DAKA: Be your own dog by the Kaiser News creep staff In recent m onths, m any freshmen have been co m plaining o f stom ach pains in their legs and arm s. Scientists now be­ lieve that these sym ptom s are actually an indication that a sm all person -or be­ ing- is gradually evolving within these unfortunate students. G oing by the name o f “ B ob” , the grow th has recently re­ leased an ultim adum to the w orld, d e­ m anding that all college cam puses serve DAKA to freshm en, thus possibly g iv ­ ing the grow th a chance at world dom i­ nation.

In an exclusive interview with Bob via advanced ultraviolet techniques d ev el­ oped th ro u g h ex te n siv e research with television rem otes, N ew screep has dis­ covered that Bob is actually a food addi­ tive, com m only found in chicken and fish nuggets on W ednesdays and Thursdays.

Said one scientist: “ I d o n ’t know how they survived it; with som ething like that in one o f their vital appendages, its a

w onder that freshmen around the world have not succum bed to it yet. I project world dom ination in less than 0.7 sec-” No one has heard from Dr. C rackenruffle since that fatefull evening...

The w eekends are an entirely different m atter, however. The grow th tends not to show up as often quid pro quo; how ­ ever th e re is an other d istu rb in g trend craw ling up out o f the ashes o f a som ber Saturday afternoon. Som etim es referred to as the DAKA Nazi, this being or beings will convolute students' words as they are ordering their daily ration, and will auto­ matically deduct two from whatever it is they happen to be saying. Case in point: recently, Dan “the m an” Forth was con­ fronted with “Hi.” to which he responded “I’d like two[-2] pancakes, and a[-2| side o f ham, please.” Two minutes later, the hapless student sat down with a plate of maple syrup and negative one pieces o f ham. I plead to you: D on't let this happen to you. Always add two to your order, and everything will be okay. There is no imme­ diate need to panic.

NEWPEACH STAFF PHOTO

Greg Suoddy and his mutts pose for a picture.

“Holy Christ!” What Have they Done?!

by Prosthetic Prostate Disgruntled Editor In an event that only God knows how took place, Andrea Dorow gave birth to ten children last week. The father Greg Snoddy stated, “ I am such a man. I fertil­ ized ten children by myself. I'm looking forward to working with them .” It was re­ ported that Andrea was in labor for approxi­ mately 57 hours at Memorial Medical Cen­ ter in Worcester where she was taken after going into labor in her office. The mother and children are reported to be in excellent

condition and are resting at home.

The pregnancy was a secret that was well kept from the rest o f the WPI com m u­ nity who thought that Andrea had taken to eating too many doughnuts deal with the stress o f work. Student Activities Sec­ retary Sandy G atley stated, “W hen she started screaming in her office and yelling, ‘My God they’re com ing!’ I thought that she had finally cracked and I pulled my Glock 17 out o f my purse ready to cut the psycho dow n w ith my hollow points.”

Fortunately Andrea had not snapped but was just giving birth.

This space intentionally left blank... until we typed this into it.

Pa g e 6

T o o l s d a y , A pril l , 1999

A pril F o o l s

Booze

by Prosthetic Prostate Scientists from the Academy for really expensive research recently re le a s e d d a ta on th e e le m e n t known as Woman. They report that it has the symbol W O and that it was discovered by Adam. Its atomic m ass is acceptcd as 118 lbs though it is know to vary from 110 to 550 lbs. It's properties still baffle scientists and are as follows: Physical properties:

1) surface usually covered with a painted film 2) boils at nothing and freezes without reason 3) melts when handled well and treated properly 4) bitter if incorrectly used 5) found in states ranging from virgin metal lo common crude 6) yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical properties: 1) has great affinity for gold.

silver, platinum and precious stones 2) absorbs great quantities o f expensive substances 3) may explode spontane­ ously without prior warning and for no known reason 4) insoluble in liquids but ac­ tivity is greatly increased by satura­ tion in alcohol 5) most powerful money-re­ ducing agent known Common uses: 1) highly ornamental, espe­

cially in sports cars 2) can be great aid to relax­ ation Tests: 1) highly dangerous except in experienced hands 2) ille g a l to posses m ore than one It is a wonder that these women are able to survive in the wild. All test resu lts have indicated that women are irrational. Precaution is advised when handling them.

Caution advised when upgrading to Wife 1.0

by Prosthetic Prostate Disgruntled Editor M acrohard softw are has been receiving millions o f com plaints about com patibility problems with several o f its program s. Since M arcohard's release o f Wife 1.0 millions have been upgrading from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 to find that it’s a memory hog leaving few sys­ tem resources for other applica­ tions. It also seems that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processcs which are further consuming valu­ able resources. There was no m en­ tion o f this phenom enon in the product docum entation.

The Library strongly encour­ ages you to attend the following mandatory Newreak information sessions:

It has also been reported that Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initial­ ization where it can m onitor all other system activity. Some appli­ cations such as PokerN ite 10.3, BecrBash 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when launched. Wife 1.0 also has an­ other bug that is not documented.

If you try to install M istress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete M oney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then for some reason M istress 1.1 will not install claim ing in sufficient re­ sources.

Wife 1.0 also provides no instal­ lation options. Thus the installa­ tion of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-Law 55.8 and Brotherin-Law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to di­ m inish w ith eac h passin g day.

Macrohard has received numerous requests for the updated version to have a “Don’t remind me again” but­ ton, minimize button, and an install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed w ith the option of uninstalling at any time without loss o f C ache and o th e r system re ­ sources.

M any people have decided to avoid all of the headaches associ­

ated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. However, there are problems that are encountered here as well. You cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top o f Girl friend 1.0. You must first uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 otherwise the two versions o f Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have reported that this is a long standing bug that people should be aware of. Also, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well leaving undesirable traces o f the application in the system. Another flaw is that all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little messages about the ad­ vantages o f upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Introduction to Newteak- Tues­ day, April 1; 05:16:43,11:00:00, 14:11:23

New reak: The language of suc­ cess- W ednesday, Apri l 1; 03:00:65, 10:42:23, 07:48:42

In crease Your Freedom Through Supression of Thought An advanced course in Newsbeep Friday, Apri l 1; 0 8 :00:05 13:00:13,15:59:45

manding professor. (Perhaps the prof will recognize your attem pt to enhance your own effectiv e­ ness, and forgetabout co m p let­ ing the lecture.)

R elationships Family. M aintaining a good re­ lationship with your fam ily can help a lle v ia te stre s s in m any ways; a particularly good idea is to call hom e a fter w eeks o f no com m unication to ask for money.

And m others really a p p reciate that big load o f laundry when you do go home. Parents like to feel like th ey ’re needed.

Friends. You need the support o f friends. Help out the room ­ m ate w h o ’s trying to study by providing a little diversion - opti­ mal volum e on the sam e CD over and over, practicing your latest drum routine, inviting your other friends over to liven up the place are all ways o f building up that friendship - as well as borrow ing the p erso n ’s favorite belongings and returning them in a som e­ what different condition.

Significant (and Insignificant) Others. Let the person you care about know that you do. T h ere’s nothing like taking the other per­ son for granted - it show s how com fortable you are with the re­ la tio n sh ip , and that sh o u ld be proof o f its im portance. C ontrol­ ling is an other way o f show ing you care - keeping track o f what the person does, dem anding to know what, where, when, and with whom it's being done, setting lim­ its on w hat the person can do; show ing how jealous you can be - says so much about how im por­ tant you arc (oops - the oth er person is.)

Yourself - Y ou're on your own now, live it up; experiment; try ev­ erything; d on’t worry about being careful o r cautious about anything.

Nothing’s going to happen to you.

You’re not going to die; y ou're not going to get sick; so what if som e­ one gets hurt? N othing’s going to come back to haunt you, to cause you s tre s s ; th a t’s w h at b ein g young is about. You’re invincible.

W e st Street M o u se

Top ways to beat stress by the Staff o f the Student Development and Counseling Center (seriously) Tim e M anagem ent - Make pro­ crastination work for you. By put­ ting o ff as much work as possible and refusing to let that worry you ahead o f time, you’ll confine your stress to ju st the week o f finals, allow ing you to enjoy the other six w eeks of the term .

Physical Exercise - Instead o f doing w ork for c la sse s, ro lle r blade, skate, ski. run. pump iron, dance - w hatever physical activ ­ ity m akes you loosen up. R e­ m em ber, ju st sitting in classes or studying is a great im pedim ent to physical fitness.

M ental E x ercise - C o m p u ter games m ay well provide you with all the mental exercise you need.

Diet - Eating properly is im por­ tant. Start your day with som e­ thing substantial, such as an egg (w e’ve discovered Cadbury eggs to be especially good); don’t skip lunch - and make sure it has vari­

ety (there now arc many types and flavors o f chips and dips; c h eese­ burgers, fries, onion rings o r any­ thing deep fried m akes a good dinner. It’s a good idea to rew ard yo u rself if you do any studying, and carbohydrates have an effect on brain chem icals; keep a stash o f c a n d y b a r s , p a stry , and c a f f e in a te d so d a on han d fo r those breaks every 15 m inutes.

Sleep - M ost college students underestim ate the im portance o f g e ttin g at le ast eight h o u rs o f sleep. If you sleep from about 8:(X)am until to 4:()()pm or 5:00pm, that should help you gel through the night o f partying. (R em em ­ ber then to cat th ro u g h o u t the night.)

Stress Reduction Techniques There are a num ber of techniques yoga, tai chi, m uscle relaxation, deep breathing (the latter can be enhanced by heavy smoking). A good place to practice any o f these (or a combination thereof) is when you’re most tense - as in your most difficult class with your most d e­

Your opinions are irrelevant, especialy since you are wasting your time with this April Fools rag. Hey, go out and do some of your own pranks. Be your own dog. C'mon, it's April Fools day, go out and actually tio somethingym lazy FOCI

Scientists release data on women

P age 7

A pr il F o o l s

T u e s d a y - in - w a it in g , A pr il 1 ,1 9 9 9

C l a s s if ie d s

C L A S S IF IE D S : Would you like to see what goes on behind closed doors? If you enjoy spying on your friends and beating random people senseless, the Thought Police is the organi­ zation for you. We are now seek­ ing applicants w ith skills in sur­ veillance, violence, interrogation, who are guilt free. Contact your local Thought Police headquarters for more information or to set up an interrogation... I mean... inter­ view.

Crew team coach wanted. Please c o n ta c t the Physical E ducation Department.

PERSONALS: W PI males seeking women- We know you’re around here som e­ where...

Fungi from Y uggoth seeking brains- Any species will do. Fresh brains preferred.

Irresistible Borg- seeking any­

one- Tired o f searching for some­ one who’s com patible? Add your distinctiveness to our collective and achieve instant compatibility with thousands o f other singles just like yourself. Resistance is futile.

Frat Boy seeking Party Girl- If you’re vulnerable, submissive, and love to drink. I’d love to party with you. My hobbies include drinking and hanging out with my fraternity brothers.

L ooking for som eone new to

roost with?- Turkey seeking henSpring is in the air! If you’re look­ ing for a mate, give me a call.

Hi, my name is Greg Snoddy.

Have you seen my puppies?

looked for it but it wasn't there and you didn't tell m e what to do so I had no choice but to push it off on someone else.

Replacing all o f them costs too much. We'll just sw itch ’em.

Shut the h ell u p about y o u r freakin' little puppies! W here's my Glock...

FOR SALE

That didn't make sense to me

One Glock 17. Used only once. I needed more firepower. Yours for just $20. Email terminator@wpi

Holy Christ!

W ell, I went dow n there and

For sale: Sex. I give it up for en­ gineers. Not available to CS geeks.

Lose

Campus Police recover stolen vehicle after long pursuit

by Prosthectic Prostate Disgruntled Editor

This stolen car was returned to its legal owner after a long and daring pursuit by Campus Police Officer Russ"The Terminator" Fontaine. The owner apparently cried upon sight of his vehicle.

L ast w eek C a m p u s P o lic e revcovcred a vchilce that was sto­ len out o f the Founders Parking lot several days earlier. Officer R u ss'T h c Term inator" Fontaine spotted the vchilce as he was leav­ ing the Boynton after his lunch break. Officer Fontaine quickly ini­ tiated a pursuit that ran through the various parking lots on cam ­ pus and the quod.

The pursuit lasted for several h o u r s d u r in g w h ic h O f f ic e r Fontaine had to refuel his cruiser.

He stated, "I was w orried that he was going to get away w hile I was fueling. Luckily he needed to fuel up too so we ju st glared at each other w hile filling up our tan k s."

The stolen car left the gas sta­ tion and drove up Institute Road at a high rate o f speed with "The Term inator" in hot pursuit. As they passed the entrance to the

quod a light brown van pulled out and struck the fleeing vehicle. The car then slid down the street, struck a light pole and Hipped onto its roof.

The driver somehow managed to escapc injury and crawled out of the wreckage and charged Officer Fontaine as he exited his cruiser.

The suspect and Officer Fontaine then went a couple of rounds while a group o f students gathered to cheer on "The Terminator." When the fight was over the suspect had two broken arms and a shattered knee cap, Officer Fontaine escaped injury.

After the situation w as under c o n tro l and th e o w n e r o f the vchilce contacted Fontaine said, "This is what m akes m y jo b so worthwhile. I love the feeling I get when I return stolen property to its rightful owner. In this case the owner o f the car was so happy that he broke into tears when he saw that we had gotten his car back for him."

Legal Stuff

APARTMENTS! APARTMENTS! APARTMENTS!

Here endeth our liability (we hope)

DON’T WAIT! W O N T LAST!

This publication is not an issue o f Newspeak, it is a special edition meant for April Fools. This is not an official publica­ tion o f Newspeak or Worcester Polytechnic Institute. Noth­ ing appearing in this publication is real. All events, stories, and all other matter appearing in these pages is made up and a complete work of fiction. Do not contact the Newspeak Staff regarding the content of these pages, they didn’t do it.

Actually they might have done it during the time they were abducted by aliens but they wouldn’t remember it anyway.

First five copies free, additional copies $ 1.00 each. That's right, a buck each. Why the hell would someone want to spend a well-earned dollar on Newsbeak? Probably the same reason that a good number of student-wannabes get together on the weekend and waste the whole friggin' weekend mak­ ing the newest copy o f the 'Beak.

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STA RTIN G R EN T:$375 A N D U P - PA RTIA L PAYM ENT M AY BE M A D E IN E G G T R A D E SO M E A PA R TM EN TS PARTIALLY F U R N IS H E D W ITH PIL E S O F BRU SH C A L L TO D A Y FOR A PPO IN T M E N T : DAYS 1-800-4A R O O S T E V E S I-800-T U R K E Y S

Pa g e 8

A pril F o o l s

T h o u g h t P o l ic e L o g Thursday, March 20 4 : 10am - Report: 2 non-students in M organ Hall.

5:23am - Intrusion Alarm: Newsmeek Office.

5:27am - Intrusion Alarm: Newsweseek Office.

7:23am - Report: Student missing - last seen near Morgan Dining Hall.

8 :10am - Report: 7 non-students in Daniels Hall.

9:46am - Noise Complaint: Screams o f agony near Morgan Dining Hall.

10:20am - Report: Mysterious smell near M organ Dining Hall.

10:18am - Report: Time Machine MQP group appears, waves to the past.

10:24am - Report 28 non-students in Harrington.

11:13am - Noise disturburance on Quod 11:40am - Quod: Officer response. Demonstration against Atomic Bomb MQR 11:41am - Report: 97 non-students in Riley Commons.

11:42am - Assistance: Thought Police contacted.

11:13am - Assistance: Thought Police respond, protesting students forcibly invited to Room 101.

11:26am - Report: Ministry of Truth issues edict that the period o f 11: H am to 12:00pm did not occur.

Friday, March 21 10:23pm - Medical Response: 75% o f cam pus population passed out drunk on the Quod.

10:34pm - Electrical Problem: Remaining 25% of population redeems empty cans.

10:37pm - Intrusion Alarm: Student missing - last seen near M organ Dining Hall.

10:48pm - Fire Alarm: 210 non-students in Washburn Shops.

10:59pm - Transfer: Students use funds to purchase building materials for Cam pus Center.

Students sent to Store 24 for toothpicks and glue.

11:16pm - M onitor: Construction of Student Center started in M inistry of Plenty (A ccount­ ing Office) Faculty Lounge.

11:19pm - Code 23: Need more toothpicks - First 4 stories o f student center completed.

11:34pm - Disturbance: Deviant thought in Founders. Thought Police respond.

11:46pm - Brain Damage: 654 non-students in Student Center.

11:50pm - M edical Emergency: Evacuation o f Student Center, Structure unstable - glue not yet dried.

12:14pm - Noise Disturbance: Higgins Labs sinks through the E arth’s crust.

2 :16pm - Bat complaint in Founders. O fficer unable to locate building.

25 26 27 28 29

Saturday, March 22

T o o l s d a y , A pril 1 ,1 9 9 9

Wordto yo’momma: April 1 All events in Alumni Field canceled until further notice.

Cult festival continues through April 6.

4:00am - Crew Practice 1:30pm - Lecture. “Starting Your O w n C ult”, sponsored by the Washburn Cult 4:00am - Crew Practice Sunrise - Public Hanging o f W ebmasters, Flaud 7:00pm - Film. “Trainspotting”, sponsored by The One True Holy Celestial Path o f Enlightenm ent Through Spiritual Fortitude

4:00am - Crew Practice 3:35pm - Random procession across campus to raise suspicion, spon­ sored by Skull.

4:00am - Crew Practice 5:00pm - Lecture - ‘T h e evolution o f M odem Footwear” Presented

by Socko. Special G uest Speaker Big Brother Parrish.

10:00am-4:00pm - Blood Drive. Founders 4:00pm - Satanic Society M eeting. Founders 12:00am- Washburn Cult weekly sacrifice, Washburn Shops, nuclear reactor facility

9:00am - Bird W atching Session, Institute Park, sponsored by Wrens and Kites 12:00pm - Pagan Artifact Expo, quad.

2:30pm - Lecture. “A dvanced Voodoo Techniques”, Kinnicutt L ec­ ture Hall, sponsored by SG A 8:00pm - Observing Session, sponsored by W PI Astrological Soci­ ety 12:00am - Witching Hour

10:15am - Report: Student missing - last seen near M organ Dining Hall.

10:24am - Report: Student missing - last seen near M organ Dining Hall.

10:27am - Report: Student missing - last seen near M organ Dining Hall.

10:35am - Report: Student missing - last seen near Morgan Dining Hall.

10:53am - Report: Student missing - last seen near M organ Dining Hall.

11:02am - Report: Student missing - last seen near M organ Dining Hall.

11:35am - Report: Student missing - last seen near Morgan Dining Hall.

11:40am - Noise Complaint: Morgan Dining Hall announcing All-You-Can-Eat “W PI B ee f’ Lunch.

4:00pm - Report: Time machine MQP presentation begins. Group departs for Thursday.

4:01 pm - Report: Time machine MQP returns.

4 :12pm -B atevicted. • 4:21 pm - Suspicious Person: Cult Festival. Well, duh.

4:53pm - Report: Time machine MQP explodes.

6 : 10am - Report: 9573 non-students in A lum ni Gym 2:21 pm - Report: Commune established in Wedge. Residents charging tolls to pass through the Wedge.

6:39am - Complaint: M organ Com m ons closed during lunch period.

11:16pm - Plant Services: Clocks on Cam pus all disagree.

5:20am - Noise Disturbance - New Y ear’s Celebration at Fraternity House.

3:1 lp m - Noise Disturbance - Alden bells continuously playing for past 6 hours.

Canceled due to lack of interest. O rder o f Apathy suspected o f involvement.

Monday, January 27

Sunday, March 23

7:17am - Misc. Mischief: Mail room, Daniels, 9 boxes tampered with.

7:17am - O ut o f Service: Stoddard, basem ent only.

1:05pm - Roof Alarm: Goddard Hall, Barnard Roofing, should be completed by 3:30pm.

5:52pm - Plumbing Problem: Report o f flood at Morgan dish room.

6:32pm - Lock-out at Boynton St. apartm ent. Turkey calls requesting locksmith.

10:25pm - Electrical Problem: Report o f blown fuse in Morgan.

10:27pm - Secured: Panic Bars on Olin Hall.

10:35pm - Panic: Olin Hall.

10:45pm - Panic: Officer responds. Turkey shot.

10:50pm - Report: Editor claims he heard his missing Glock being fired.

10:52pm - Arsenal: Student at station to claim Glock. M ust wait in line behind the kid requesting the rocket launcher.

1:23pm - Noise Disturbance: called in from Drury Lane, on Dean Street Fraternity.

11:23am - Noise Disturbance: Cult festival chanting disturbing quiet, peaceful, unaligned, non-cultist cam pus members. T hose 3 students told to shut up or be tossed to the Shoggoths.

5:23pm - Medical Emergency: C ultist student slices thumb open during human sacrifice.

EMS responds.

3:23am - Theft: W PI Satanic Society idol stolen. Officers begin search for G oat’s Head.

2:23pm - G oat’s H ead located - W rong G oat’s Head.

5:56pm - Disturbance: John Tesh sighted at cult festival. Harrased by several middle-aged women.

11:23am - G oat’s Head located - W rong G oat's Head.

7 :10am - Report: 6,242,573 non-students in Atwater Kent.

12:23pm - G oat’s Head located - W rong Goat’s Head.

4:23pm - Intrusion Alarm - NewsbeakOffice.

10:23am - Report: Student missing - last seen near Morgan Dining Hall.

6:23pm - G oat’s Head located - W rong G oat’s Head.

8:00pm - Report: Rocket launcher fired on Quod.

9:01pm - Report: Mass puppy suicide; something about a UFO and Greg Snoddy.

Wednesday, March 19 7:10am - Report: 152,573 non-students in Fuller Labs 9:07am - Report: Student missing - last seen near Morgan Dining Hall.

11:00pm - Medical Response: Unspecified emergency in Fuller Apartments. O fficer and EMS respond.

30

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#

/ Cult festival finale!!!!!!!!!

2:00pm - 1 2:00am Cult film festival-FLAUD. Sponsored by SocComm.

1:30am - Final Sacrifice, Victory Square, near the exalted fountain

11:13pm - Noise Complaint: Scream ing and strange slurping sounds at Fuller Apartments.

11:14pm - Assist: Contact lost with O fficer and EMS team. Officer responds.

11:17pm - Report: Student missing - last seen near Morgan Dining Hall.

11:26pm - Noise Complaint: M ore scream ing, and strange metallic tearing noises at Fuller Apartm ents.

11:27pm - Assist: Contact lost with him too. Recommend avoid further contact with apart­ ment.

11:47pm - Report: Shambling preternatural horrors spotted pouring from Fuller Apartment.

Officers move to Canada, where it’s safe.

Tuesday, March 21

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C om m entary

The coming of April 1st: should WPI be prepared?

by Sany M. Zakharia Newspeak staff Once again, it is close to that tim e o f year w hen w orld-w ide, friends and siblings turn against e a c h o th e r , e m p lo y e e s tu rn a g a in st th e ir b o sse s, an d s tu ­ dents turn against faculty. No, its not the W orld Cup soccer fi­ nals, its April F o o l’s Day. In preparation for this occasion, I em barked on finding som e o f the g r e a te s t and g ra n d e s t p ra n k s ever achieved.

The first, I d are say, trick. I’ll report about w as engineered by Shelby Sweeney and Larry Moon, two disk jo ck ey s for KHM X, a local radio station in the H ous­ ton area. Two years ago, on April 1st, an alleged executive from the lo cal te le p h o n e co m p a n y a n ­ nounced, in a serious tone, that the com pany w ould be em b ark ­ ing on a public service effort to clear the phone lines o f debris.

On the air. the official explained to liste n e rs th a t dust te n d s to collect and build up inside phone lines which com prom ises the clar­ ity of phone calls. He further ex­ plained that in order to cleanse the lines, bursts o f air w ould be adm inistered through the lines.

printer. Exactly 2,232 blank cop­ (CalTech). Their plan was to dras­ c a u s in g th e d e b ris to be e x ­ ies were reproduced, one for each punged, naturally, through the re­ tically ch an g e the W ashington o f the spectators who would par­ team ’s half-tim e show during the ceiv ers o f p e o p le ’s telephones. ticipate in the flip card show. The football extravaganza. M erely a T herefore, he and the DJs advised two c o n sp ira to rs stayed up all few days before the event, the listeners to place their receivers night tilling out the new instruc­ two devious students, disguised in plastic bags, secured w ith rub­ tion sheets with their own tutelage. as re p o rte rs for a high school ber bands, in order to collect the Some stunts were left untouched, newspaper, extracted detailed in­ dirt. O ne can just im agine the some slightly altered, however the form ation regarding the plans for early m orning listeners, scurrying students made one pivotal change. the half tim e show from an o u t­ o ff to their kitchens and scram ­ During the half time show, Wash­ spoken W ashington cheerleader bling for a few sandw ich bags in ington fans flip p ed th e ir order to keep the dust p ar­ — cards lo reveal a huge, blocktic le s from litte rin g th e ir — lettered “C alT ech” across h u m b le a b o d e s. In d eed , “I didn V even think about it. one side of the stadium for this is whal occurred as the ra d io s ta tio n re c e iv e d a That guy sounded so official, I all to see, leaving viewers, spectators, band m em bers, p leth o ra o f c a lls the next put plastic bags on all fou r o f an d s p o rts c a s te rs day regarding the previous dumbstruck and silent. d a y ’s prank. One listener my phones.”

Lastly, for the piece de re__ a d m itte d , "I d id n ’t ev en """ sistance, I'll report on what th in k a b o u t it. T hat g u y """" o ccu rred one A pril 1st at Sun that they interviewed. T he “re­ sounded so official, I put plastic M icrosystems in M ountain View porters” learned from the fooled bags on all four o f my phones.” c h e e rle a d e r that the h a lf tim e California. Each year, a Sun execu­ The next grand schem e I’ll talk tive is the target o f a prank con­ show was to consist of a flip card a b o u t did not re ally o c c u r on d isplay. T hey also found out ceived by engineers, in order to April 1st, how ever 1 c o u ld n 't re­ remind the management who the w hich se ctio n s o f the stad iu m sist including il in this article. company really depends on. On Reported by Rolling Stone m aga­ w ould in c lu d e sp ec tato rs w ho A pril 1st 1993, A n d re a s would hold these cards and what zine as one o f the best college B e c h to lsh e im , a co m p an y c o ­ pranks in history, this prank oc­ kind o f instructions were included founder and Sun’s chief technolo­ on them. Armed with this know l­ curred on January 2, 1961, during edge, the conniving duo broke gist was the victim of a grand sub­ the Rose Bowl. The m asterm inds terfuge devised by six Sun engi­ behind this trick were tw o stu­ into the cheerleaders’ room and neers. The night before April 1st, a c q u ire d a sin g le in s tru c tio n dents who hailed from the C ali­ sheet which was then taken to a Bechtolsheim was vexed that his fo rn ia In s titu te o f T ech n o lo g y . .

■

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car w ouldn’t start up. Little did he know that the pranksters had dis­ abled his Porsche purposefully in order to keep it in the parking lot.

Throughout lhal evening, the jo k ­ ers spent their lime yanking out bushes in front o f the victim 's o f­ fice, removing a wall, creating a small golf course inside the office, building a car ramp, and eventu­ ally driving Bechtolsheim’s car into his office. The engineers then placed custom -m ade fish tanks filled with small live sharks on top o f the v e h ic le and p lac ed the victim ’s w orkstation inside the tank. The wall was then replaced and the ram p rem oved and the b u sh es re p la n te d b e fo re B echtolsheim w as to return to work the next morning. Needless to say, Mr. Bechtolsheim was sur­ prised to walk into his office the next m orning, only to find his Porsche on a golf course with a fish tank containing his com puter and some sharks swimming around it, inside his office! “I won’t be get­ ting m u ch w ork done to d a y ,” Bechtolshiem retorted.

So the question rem ained to be asked is, what can be expected to o ccur aro u n d the W PI cam p u s this com ing April F o o l’s D ay?

The truth is out there.

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Sufficiency: Nominees

Helping: Organizations get involved

Continued from page I • Henry Fink, “Comparing Kafka and Borges” • Stephanie G agne, “T he Ethi­ cal R espo n sib ilities o f Civil E ngineers” • Wendy Jobling, “From Loss to G ain: M ilitary Base C losings” • A n d re a K o d y s, “ P ro m is e s , P olicies and G oals: T he US O ccu p a tio n o f H a iti, 19151934” • Mickey Lacroix, “A Critique of H usserlian P hem enology” • Ryan M cD aniel, “A Scientific A p p ro a c h to D e s ig n in g a H orseless C arriag e: E lw ood H aynes’ Pioneer o f 1894” • Heather A. Miller, “Gender Im­

Continued from page I surpassing their goal of 10,()(X) lbs of food by over 3.000 lbs in the Lambda Chi Food Drive and win­ ning an award, Lambda Chi Alpha sen t a b o u t 25 b ro th e rs to a Veteran’s Shelter to paint their din­ ing room on February 22nd. The V eterans w ere am azed at how quickly the Lambdas worked and were extremely thankful for their help.

Zeta Psi held their eighth annual Jail and Bail right before spring break and with the help of a few “jailbirds” this event raised $550 for the Worces­ ter Children’s Friend Socicty. Zeta Psi is especially grateful for the help that Officer Russ Fontaine has con­

balance in E ducation” M athew Poisson, “The Role of M esserschm itt 262 in World War II” • S ey ch elle R ichard, “ S elling Im a g e s : A n A n a ly s is o f W om en’s C igarette A ds” • Steven Sluter, “An exploration o f A rc h ite c tu ra l P h o to g ra phy” • G reg o ry Snow, “ F u n d am en ­ tally U nstable: A H istory o f the IQP at W PI” • Lydia Staw asz, “P ropstory” The A pril 3rd aw ards cerem ony and the reception follow ing are open to all m em bers o f the WPI community. Refreshments will be served.

•

tributed for the past three years by “arresting” the offenders.

Theta Chi answered a call for help from the A m erican Cancer S o c ie ty ’s D affodil D ays. Paul G a in ch i, D evon R eed and Joe

Zurcus all helped unload trucks for the first day and then delivered thirteen cases o f daffodils to ran­ dom o ffic es around W orcester.

This help was especially welcome because it was during break.

Design: Students win prizes Continued from page I judged for p resentation, design concept and bom b-delivery suc­ cess.

First Place ($200) was awarded to freshm en Ross Borgcson and George Campbell and sophomores Karl Paxton and Daniel Stutzbach, who will represent WPI at the dis­ trict com petition on cam pus on

April 5. Freshmen Peter Connolly, Tom H anley, Ryan W hitehouse and Zack Young won $ 1(X) as the se c o n d -p la c e fin ish e rs. T h ird place went to two teams o f fresh­ men: Andy Crabtree, Peter Recore, C asey R ic h a rd so n and Ju s tin R yan, a n d Yung G ia n g , Ben Kennedy, Seth M aciejowski and John Pong.

L e tte r s t o the E d it o r

Class III budget actually becoming larger Dear Editor, I w ould like to correct an error in last w eek ’s “Letter to the E di­ tor” . In that letter I stated that the total budget for all o f C lass III was being reduced from its current level. The budget for C lass III is actually b eing in­ creased, but because o f another organization becoming a C lass III organization, many Class III bud­

gets had to be cut. U nfortunately, I was unable to obtain the correct inform ation until after the press deadline.

I would also like to take this o p ­ portunity to thank the SGA Senate for passing the amendment to in­ crease the M usic A sso cia tio n ’s budget, which brought our budget up to the current level o f funding.

Finally, I would like to thank Class

III Treasurer, Derek Sickman, and SGA Treasurer, Mickey Lacroix, for all of the time they spent m eeting with M usic Association represen­ tatives regarding our budget prob­ lem. We certainly appreciate their efforts.

Sincerely, Mike D riscoll Music Association Rep., Glee Club President

Page 8

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C lub C orner

Alpha Phi Omega H ello O lsters! W elcom e back from Spring Break. I hope you all had a good time wherever you were.

During D term, we have several events com ing up; the Dance-a-thon is April 18, Conclave is April 11-13, and the formal is April 26. The Dance-a-thon is a charity event where you can dance to live bands and listen to music from different time peri­ ods for TWELVE hours! All proceeds go to charity, so watch out for more details.

A lso , th ere are co m m u n ity se rv ic e events open to all. The W orcester City cleanup looks like it will be Tun, and so does the River Cleanup. Anyone wanting to participate should contact Student Ac­ tivities or APO. Congrats to all o f our pledges! Keep up the enthusiasm and make sure you meet all the brothers!

Com posites will be taken Thursday in Founders. See Mike if you haven’t signed up yet. Brother meeting Monday in GH227 at 6:30!

A as we raise our voices in praise to God for freeing us from the chains o f sin. Sat­ urday m orning sports will be at 10:30 in front o f A lum ni. The Spring C onference is com ing up soon, see Paul for details.

"But Christ has indeed been raised from the d ead , the firstfru its o f those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through a m an, the resurrection o f the dead com es also through a man. For as in A dam all die, so in C hrist all will be made alive.” I C orinthians 15:20-22.

T hese verses tell us that just as ev­ eryone dies in one man, all will also be m ade alive in one man. W ho is this one man, w ho has reversed the curse o f death and offered us life ? Jesus C hrist, who has risen from the dead. Through Him, we receive new life and have escaped the curse o f death. For us who have faith in His nam e, everlasting jo y is the destiny that aw aits us. I challenge everyone read­ ing w ho has not done so to accept Jesus and inherit this prom ise, given to all who have believed.

Fellowship W elcom e back for D-term everyone.

We have started the term out w ith a re­ new ed sense of dedication to G od and the work o f the Holy Spirit. God will take each one o f us in brand new d irections during the next few w eeks, may we all place our total trust and faith in Him. Last w eek we celebrated the great joy o f C h rist’s resurrection and victory over death as he rose from the tomb on Easter m orning! Join us this week for Friday N ight Fellow ship at 7:00 PM in M organ

Hello, everybody! Sorry I missed last week’s edition. I was still a little jet lagged from a rockin’ tour! I hope everybody had as much fun as I did. Thanks again to Dribble, the Monsenior, and Dr. Johnny Fever for all their hard work. So, lets see, what’s coming up? We have a concert with Wells here at WPI coming up real soon. So no time to slack on learning new music! I guess it would only be right to plug Acappcllafest III here... sec the SHM club comer for more informa­ tion! Also, the banquet is coming up... see Dribble if you are bringing a guest. And on a final note, Freshman (pardon me, new mem­ bers) beware... if you thought the qucstionaire N a t io n a l “A w a r d o f E x c e l l e n c e "

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Lens and Lights Ha Ha Ha !! Finally, a club comer in the paper. There’s hope for me yet.

For those of you w ondering, Lens and Lights are the people that do all the cool stuff on cam pus. <grin> We project the movies, we mix the bands, w e light the plays, and occasionally we throw a party or two. If any o f this sounds interesting, come to our next event. T here’s a big con­ cert this Friday, w e’ll be in Harrington all day setting up for it. Just find someone plugging in a cable and ask them how you can help. T hey’ll like that so much, they’ll let you in the club! W e’re easy like that! So next time you see something cool happen­ ing on campus, find the LnL person there and say, “I want to jo in .”

Keep the faith.

Masque Glee Club

Christian Bible

was bad, you ain’t seen nothin yet!!! Have a great week!!!!

bernard

H a ld a n e

10 M echanic S treet W orcester, M A 01608 FAX: (508) 791-6901 FOUNDED E-mail: jobhunting@ haldane.com W ebS ite: http://jobhunting.com

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Hey everybody! I guess I ’m the new slave for the club c o rn e r...I’ll try to shy away from the inside jo k e s that e v e ry ­ one co m p lain s about. So! W hat’s on ev eryone’s m ind this week? New Voices 15! Can you believe it’s already here? I c a n ’t. T h e y e a r s h a v e p a s s e d so quickly...-sigh- Anyway, that means that at any given tim e you d e c id e to w alk through Alden Hall, you’ll sec students staring into space with scrip ts in their hands. The show s go on from April 2326, so be sure not to m iss any of the 15 plays! O therw ise, there’s really not much else I can think to say...I’ll probably move up a level next w eek. C heerio!

APARTMENTS FOR RENT Available June 1st

Now Showing 3/6 bedroom apts. practially on campus. Off-street parking.

Clean, quiet, secure building.

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Newman Club This coming Saturday, April 5 th , we will have our annual Spring Retreat and Planning Day at the Religious Center beginning at 9:45 AM and ending about 6:00 PM. About thirty people are already signed up for the retreat and if you want to attend, please e-mail Chris Welch at matignon @wpi.edu. Greg Macleod, Kristi feranne Dreyer and Chris Welch are chair persons for the event. The retreat di­ rector for the day will be Beth Schaper, the Catholic Campus Minster at Clark Univer­ sity.

Several o f our Club members went to the wake service for Bishop Harrington at Saint Paul’s Cathedral last Tuesday night and also went to his funeral M ass on W ednesday morning. The bishop often visited WPI and the Club when he was the Bishop of Worces­ ter . Our next discussion group meeting will be on Tuesday night, April 8th following the Newman Executive Board meeting which will be at 6:30 pm in the Religious Center.

In general we feel we had a good Lenten attendance at our Masses and Lenten pro­ grams. Palm Sunday we “ran out” o f chairs at both of our Masses because of the large number in attendance. Needless to say Fr. S. was very pleased with th a t. Dont forget our First Friday Mass this week at 12:00 ( noon) on Friday April 4th.

Simple Harmonic Motion Ok, guys, this is the week that we have all been waiting for... ACAPPELLAFEST III IS HERE! ACAPPELLAFEST III IS HERE! And we are pleased to have INTERSTATE 8 sing­ ing with us this year... for those of you who don’t know, Interstate 8 is the brand new all female a cappella group on campus, and they sound incredible already! Congrats to the group forgetting an early start this year with advertising and what not... but don’t relax yet, we still have plcanty to do. Let’s see, after ACAPPELLAFEST 111 is over, wc have lots more concerts: Company B from Brandeis University (April 16th), Simmons College (April 25th). M IT Choral laries (April 26), plus learning new music... oh, yea, and classwork, too! I’m sure I’m forgetting some. If anyone wants more information about any of these concerts, please contact us. Wc hope to see you all at ACAPPELLAFEST III this Satur­ day, 7 PM in Riley Commons... It’ll be the most fun you’ve had all year!

The Last Strand Cinema & Drafthouse serving beer, wine, pizza, finger foods and more Voted “Best o f Worcester” 24 Hour Movie Phone: (508) 365 - 5500 Movies & Showtimes via EMail: TheLStrand@AOL.COM

58 High Street, Clinton, off of routes 62&70 Admission $4.50 Adults. $3.50 Child/Seniors M ovies Change Weekly on Friday’s 1/2 price admission with this ad Sun. -Thurs.

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Elections for Campus Heading Board to take place

Promotions and tenure announced Courtesy o f WPI News Service The following m em bers of the WPI fac­ ulty have been prom oted and/or tenured effective July 1: Judith M iller w as prom oted to profes­ so r o f b io lo g y and b io te c h n o lo g y . A m em ber o f the faculty since 1978, she earned a b a c h e lo r’s d eg ree at C ornell U niversity and a d o cto rate at Case W est­ ern R eserve University. H er research and te ac h in g in terests are in ferm entation m icrobiology; physiology of immobilized m icroorganism s; and educational inno­ vation.

Prom oted to associate professor were Joseph Fehribach and Arthur Heinricher o f the M athematical Sciences Department and Jam es Hermanson o f Mechanical En­ gineering. Fehribach, w ho joined the fac­ ulty in 1992, received a bachelor’s degree from Centre College and a m aster’s and doctorate from Duke University. His re­ search and teaching interests are in applied mathem atics and scientific computing and differential equations. Specific areas of in­ terest include free and moving boundary problem s and nonequilibrium therm ody­ namics.

Heinricher, a faculty member since 1995, earned a B.S. at the University of Missouri, St. Louis, and a Ph.D. at Carnegie Mellon.

His interests are in stochastic differential equations; optimal control theory; applied p ro b ab ility theory and stochastic p ro ­ cesses; and operations research.

H erm anson also jo in ed the faculty in 1995. He earned a b achelor’s degree at the U n iv e rs ity o f W ash in g to n and a m aster’s and doctorate at the C alifornia Institute o f Technology. His research and teaching interests focus on fluid m echan­ ics, including aerodynam ics, turbulent m ixing, c o m p ressib le and m u ltip h ase flow; com bustion, including flam e struc­ ture and stability; exhaust em issions; and soot form ation..

The follow ing individuals w ere p ro ­ m oted to associate professor and granted tenure: Zhikun Hou, of the M echanical Engi­ neering Department, earned a B.S. at Fudan University and an M.S. at Tongji Univer­ sity, both in China, and an M.S. and Ph.D. at the C alifornia Institute of Technology.

A faculty m em ber since 1991, his research and teaching interests are in vibration and control; structural dynam ics; stochastic mechanics; finite elements; and earthquake engineering.

Denise N icoletti, a member o f the Elec­ trical and C om puter Engineering Depart­ m ent fa c u lty sin ce 1991, e a rn e d her bachelor’s, m aster’s and doctoral degrees at Drexel U niversity. Her research and te a c h in g in te re s ts are in u ltra so n ic s; n o n d e s tru c tiv e te s tin g ; s c a lin g ; and fractal properties.

M. David Samson, who was granted ten­ ure and prom oted to associate professor o f art history/architecture, earned his B.A. at the University of Chicago and his Ph.D. at Harvard University. He joined the fac-

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ulty in 1991. Sam son’s research and teach­ ing interests are in 19th and 20th century art and architecture; European and Am eri­ can architectural history, particularly 18701940; art patronage; intellectual history; American cultural history; and historical preservation.

Bogdan Vemescu, o f the Mathematical Sciences Department, has been a faculty member since 1991. He holds an M.S. from the University o f Bucharest and a Ph.D. from the Institute o f M athem atics, Rom anian Academy. His research and teaching inter­ ests are in mathematical physics; free bound­ ary flows; flow through porous media; varia­ tional calculus; and homogenization.

Jin-Fa Lee, associate professor of elec­ trical and c o m p u ter e n g in ee rin g , w as granted tenure. Lee, who has taught at WPI since 1991, received his B.S. from the N a­ tional Taiwan University and his M.S. and Ph.D. from Carnegie Mellon. His research and teaching interests focus on numerical simulation and experim ental design of m i­ crowave devices; theoretical study of elec­ tromagnetic bistatic scattering; and m od­ eling o f fiber optics and sem iconductor devices.

Submitted by Student Government Association The Student Government Committee on Elections would like to announce the be­ ginning o f the elections for the Campus H earing Board. T here are tw o student representitive and three student alternate positions avaliable. The is also one fac­ ulty representitive position.

All elected representatives will serve as justices on the Campus Hearing Board. The C am pus H earing Board is the ju d icial branch o f WPI, and is responsible forjudg­ ing all major disputes on campus.

Interested candidates m ust drop by the SGA office and pick up a petition start­ ing A pril 1. All petitions m ust be re­ turned by A pril 15 at 5:00 PM with 25 signatures. Students may sign only one petition.

The elections will be held the week o f April 21. The SGA vote program will be running from April 21 -24, and paper ballot­ ing will be outside the mailroom on Friday, April 25.

Pleasant St Clean-Up

Calculus Tutoring Schedule, D ’97

April 19'\ 10am- 3pm.

All volunteers will meet at a designated location and will be cleaning Pleasant Street from Park Avenue to Main Street with other members of the community. As many vol­ unteers as possible would be greatly ap­ preciated.

If your organization is interested in par­ ticipating in the clean-up please contact the Student Activities Office at x5291 or

Sunday 3-5pm, Demi Niforos Tuesday 3-5pm, Demi Niforos Wednesday 4-6pm, David Anderson Thursday 4-6pm, Demi Niforos

All tutoring sessions will be held in the TA’s office, S H 104.

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(Across from Jillian's) Tel: 752-5510

APARTMENTS near WPI M odem 2 and 3 Bedroom Apartments with thermo w indow s, m odem gas heating, fully insulated, self-cleaning ovens, dishw ashers, self-defrosting refrigerators, laundry areas, parking, prewired for cable and multi - telephone lines and bathtub show ers. Excellent m aintenance and m anagem ent.

2 Bedroom s $ 5 7 5 .0 0 - $ 6 2 5 .0 0 3 Bedroom s $ 6 7 5 .0 0 - $ 7 2 5 .0 0

call Goldsmith Management at 7 9 9 - 6 0 7 6

no rental fee

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Future community service events

Danger of halogen lamps revealed Courtesy o f WPI Campus Safety Committee A devastating fire in jazz musician Lionel Ham pton’s New York City apartm ent this winter focused attention on the safety of halogen floor lamps. These lamps have been associated with a total o f 100 fires and 10 deaths, according to the US C on­ sumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC).

Many o f the lamps are unstable, and the halogen bulb emits both light and fierce heat.

Tests conducted by the C PSC showed that tubular halogen bulbs o f 250 watts, 3 0 0 w atts and 500 w atts in s ta lle d in torchiere lamps could start a fire in nearby com bustible materials. These bulbs can reach temperatures ranging from about 970 degrees Fahrenheit for a 300 watt tubular halogen bulb, to 1,200 degrees Fahrenheit for a 500 watt tubular halogen bulb. In

PresentationWorkshop for M QP Competition An Oral Presentation Workshop to p rep are ap p lican ts for the Provost’s MQP Awards Competition will be held Wednesday, April 16, 1997, in Salisbury Labs 011 at 4:30 p.m. Please call Barbara McCarthy at ext. 5939 for more information.

contrast, a 150 w att incandescent bulb operates at a temperature o f about 340 d e­ grees Fahrenheit and a 75 watt bulb oper­ ates at about 260 degrees Fahrenheit. Other types o f halogen bulbs operate at low er tem p eratu res than the tubular halogen bulbs.

The CPSC offered the following tips for safer use o f tochiere lamps with tubular halogen bulbs: Never allow torchiere halogen lamps to be placed where the tubular bulb could come in contact with curtains or other cloth window treatments.

- N ever leave a torchiere halogen lamp on when you leave the room or are not at home!!

- Never drape clothes over a torchiere halogen lamp.

- For torchiere halogen lamps equipped with a dim m er switch, operate the lamps at a setting lower than the maximum w hen­ ever possible.

- Keep halogen torchiere lamps away from elevated beds like bunk beds where bedding may get too close to the tubular bulb.

Courtesy o f Student Activities Office Pleasant Street Cleanup - April 19th from 10am-3pm. Volunteers will clean from Park Ave to M ain St. along Pleasant St. As many volunteers as possible are needed to make this a sucess Taking Steps - Sunday, April 27th. This is a 5k pledge w alk to raise m oney and aw areness to help end violence against women and girls. T he m oney will go to support the work o f five area agencies: The Rape Crisis C enter of C entral M ass; Y W C A /D aybreak; A bby’s H ouse; Faith Inc; and G irls Inc. The walk will begin at the Salem Square YW CA in W orcester and th e ro u te w ill fo llo w M ain S t, S alisbury St, Park Ave and Pleasant St. At the end of the walk there will be re­ freshm ents, music and free health screen­ ing. T here are WPI groups already ac­ tively involved in this walk and more are encouraged to jo in in.

Lam bda Chi and Alpha Gam m a Delta Teeter-Totter-A-Thon - April 18th to 23rd.

For 120 consecutive hours Lam bda Chi brothers and AGD sisters will teeter-totter

to raise money for St. Jude C hildren’s R e­ search Hospital and the Juvenile Diabetes Foundation.

15th Annual Special Olympics - April 19th and 20th. M assachusetts S pecial Olym pics provide year round sports train ­ ing for people with mental retardation and/ or closely related developm ental disabili­ ties. TKE will be running the first ever Special Olympics power lifting event on that Saturday in Kinnicut Hall. They will also be running basketball on both S atur­ day and Sunday in Harrington Gym. These events should be between 7am and 4pm.

Theta Chi will be running the Special O lym ­ pics bow ling event on both days at the Thunderbird Lanes in Auburn from 9am to 3pm.

W orcester City Cleanup - April 12th.

This event has 600 consortium students ready to clean and o f that 600 about 250 of them are from W PI. WPI would like to see more students get out there and m ake our city a cleaner place. Meeting and training will begin at 9am and then cleaning w ill go on until about 1pm. After the cleaning there will be a BBQ for all volunteers and every­ one will receive a free T-Shirt.

Campus Ban! Residential Services Director Philip Clay has d isc lo se d that “ halogen to rch iere lamps will be banned in all campus resi­ dence halls beginning next academic year.

We opted to put the policy into effect for next year rather than trying to implement it midyear.”

1 Have you had your Newspeak today? 1

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Its more than a newspaper, its a way of life.

S tH tfa ie '% CVUKOttiC “T fC ottiH t

Presents

/ to z f r f a e C le t f f e t t W * ) (because two just won’t do!)

Featuring:

Brown University Higher Keys Trinity College Accidentals Clark University Counterpoints RPI Rensselyrics and WPI’s own All Female Acappella group, Interstate 8 Saturday Night, April 5th, 7 PM in Riley Commons Tickets: $3 student, $5 general public For more information, please call 831-5816 or email shm@wpi.edu Come on out for a great show... plus, what else do you have to do on a Saturday night in Worcester?

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C l a s s if ie d s W ork-study funds are available. Contact Coach Champion (x5063) for further info.

HELP W AN TED

__________REAL ESTATE_________

Help W anted... Men/Women earn $480 weekly assem bling circu it b o ard s/elec­ tronic com ponents at home. Experience unnecessary, will train. Immediate open­ ings in your local area. Call 1-520-680-7891 ext c200.

Apartments for Rent -1 Block from cam­ pus, 12 Dean St. 2 bedroom apartments, parking, electricity, heat & hot water in­ cluded, Laundry room on site for more info call 795-0057_______________________

B asketball m anager w anted fo r next year— Responsible individual to help with daily practices and gam e m anagem ent.

Newspeak will run classifieds free for all WPI students, faculty, and staff. Free classifieds are limited to six (6) lines. Ads of a commercial nature and ad s longer th an six lines must be paid for at the off campus/commercial rate of $5.00 for the first six lines and 50 cen ts per additional line.

Classified ads must b e paid for in advance.

No information which, in the opinion of the Newspeak editors, would identify an individual to the community will be printed in a personal ad. The editors resen/e th e right to refuse any ad deem ed to be in bad taste or many ad s from one group or individual on o ne subject.

The deadline for a d s is noon on th e Friday before publication.

Ail classified ads must be on individual sheets of paper and must b e accompanied by the writer's name, address an d phone number.

Nam e __________________________________

P h o n e ____________________

A d d re s s

T o ta l Enclosed $

M IS C E LLA N E O U S

Allow only 30 characters per line

How did the door to Alumni fix itself?

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WOW! Plant Services put out a fire!

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-A pril Fools!!!!!!!!!

M o n k e y s are e v e ry ­ where: I like monkeys.

Be afraid.

D id it re a lly snow yesterday, or was that another hallucination? I don’t know anymore...

Sp o r t s

WPI Crew races URI, Clark & Assumption from U niv ersity o f Rhode Island and C lark. The M en ’s Varsity team rowed against U niversity o f Rhode Island and C lark as well. The first varsity boat placed second, while the second b o a t took third. T he M en’s Novice team raced two boats against A m herst College and U ni­ versity o f R hode Island and placed first and second.

A hearty thank you is extended to the rowers in Fuller #3; Greg, Jeff,

Submitted by WPI Crew

A C R O SS I. Friend 4. Frighten 9. R epublican parly 12. S in ce 13. Edict 14. O w ns 15. T en years 17. A bsorb 19. Sham e 21.

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T his past Saturday, M arch 29th, the M e n ’s and W o m e n ’s C rew T e am s c o m p e te d in th e ir first spring season race held on Lake Q uinsigam ond here in W orcester.

A fte r nu m ero u s d e la y s, due to heavy fog, races began at 11:00am.

The W om en’s Varsity team placed third in their race against boats

Student-Athletes to visit local high school have th eir questio n s about sports at the college level answered. It has been doing this for a few years now and plans to continue to do so every year. In fact, W PI is the only college in W orcester that does anything sim ilar to this in recogni­ tion o f N ational S tudent-A thlete Day. In the past, student-athletes from WPI have gone to D oherty H igh School in W orcester and held an a s­ sembly for the athletes there. They

by Heather Mazzaccaro Sports Editor As part o f the celebration o f Na­ tional Student-A thlete Day (April 6), W PI will be sending student re p re s e n ta tiv e s to a local high school to talk to students about what it is like to be a varsity ath­ lete in college.

This is not the first year WPI has p ro v id in g this o p p o rtu n ity for y o u n g high sc h o o l a th le te s to

explain whal its like to carry a full col­ lege work load and at the sam e time compete at the varsity level in sports.

This works to dispel the myth that you can not do both and that if one plans on competing in college, one ends up pursuing an easy m ajor and taking classes such as “R ocks for Jocks” in order to get by. The repre­ sentatives show these students that a person can become an engineer, doctor, or scientist and still enjoy playing the sports they love to play.

C o m ic s

D ilb e rt®

by Scott Adams

YOUR PRODUCT LOOKS GOOD, BUT YOU CAN'T BE OUR SUPPLIER UNLESS YOUR COMPA.NY 15 ISO 9000 CERTIFIED-

SO... YOU DON'T CARE HOU) 0>AD OUR INTERNAL PROCESSES ARE, AS LONG AS THEY'RE WELL* DOCUMENTED AND USED CONSISTENTLY ?

52. Lids 54. A w hile ago 55. M ake a ch oice 56 .

Sundeep, and Rich, for hosting an excellent pasta dinner on Friday.

Next weekend, on April 5lh, W PI Crew will once again race U niver­ sity o f Rhode Island as well as U ni­ versity o f M assachusetts, Low ejl.

Races will again be held on Lake Q uinsigam ond and are scheduled to start at approxim ately 9am . Call Captain Seth Poppinchalk at x5043 w ith any q u e s tio n s a b o u t n e x t w eekends race.

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What’sHappening: April 1

P olice L og Thursday, March 20 1:55am - Report: Graduate Student unable to find a residence will be rem aining in the Wedge, will seek assistance from Residential services in the morning.

2 : 12am - Medical: 19 year old female feeling dehydrated, just passed out, Daniels. Officers and EMS respond.

3 : 10am - Notice: Reactor alarm not properly set.

12:21pm - Assist: student on Institute Road, alm ost got hit by car.

12:46pm - Trespass: non-student in Alumni.

4:28pm - Assist: Institute Road, for stolen motor vehicle.

Friday, March 21 4:34am - Assist: W PD requests office to assist in investigation.

10:40am - Motor Vehicle Stop: West and Institute.

10:42am - Officers responding to West Street.

1:00pm - Assist: M otor Vehicle Jump start, Fuller apt. lot.

1:15pm - Trespassing: 2 non-students in vehicle, warned twice previously.

1:17pm - Assist: Officer to assist in removal o f non-students from quad area.

Saturday, March 22 12:01 am - Bat Complaint: Founders Hall, officer unable to locate.

12:20am - Suspicious persons: Ellsworth courtyard area.

12:48am - Medical response: Salisbury St., knee injury.

1:56am -Vehicle Stop: Officer out with a vehicle at Park Ave. Mobil.

2:30pm - Assist: Remove dead opossum from Hackfeld Rd. 5:57pm - Assist: Bat flying in Founders 2nd.

9:00pm - Report/Stolen M otor Vehicle: victim at station, vehicle taken from Stoddard Lot.

Sunday, March 23 8:28am - Cruiser Problem: The brakes on 103C pulsate.

8:43am - Work Order: Alumni Gym main left door does not catch.

12:42pm - Assist: Skateboarders removed from quad area.

1:30pm - Cancel Work Order: Alumni Gym door is no longer broken.

6:06pm - Alarm: Fire, Atwater Kent.

11:57pm - Intrusion Alarm: Higgins Labs.

Monday, March 24 7 : 17am - Van parking: Freshman parked in van area, spoken to by dispatch, told to move car and park on the street.

9:42pm - Intrusion Alarm: Fuller Labs CCC.

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1 lam - ISRG Meeting, Fuller Labs 141.

12pm - WPI French Circle, Gompei’s Place.

4pm - Softball vs. Mass Maritime.

3:30pm - Baseball vs. Regis 1 lam - Carl Gunnard Johnson Colloquim, “R ecent Developments in Structural Control and Seismic Mitigation in Japan - A Scientific Visit and Lesson to Learn,” Mohammond Norri, W ashburn 229.

2pm -G TRG Meeting, Fuller Labs 141.

7:05pm - W orcester IceCats vs. Portland, Centrum 1 lam - AIRG Meeting, Fuller Labs 246.

1 lam -C h em ical Engineering Colloquium, “Enviorninental Catalysis: Challenges and O pportunities,” D r Leo Manzer, Dupont Central Research. Experimantal Station, Goddard Hall 227.

3:30pm - M en’s Tennis at Trinity.

1:30pm - SERG Meeting, Fuller Labs 147.

3pm - Softball vs. Mt Holyoke.

5pm - Shabbat Candlelighting and Dinner, M argan A. 7pm - PUB Show, Hardcore Show (Ignite, Bane, Harrit, Weston, and Cast Iron Hike) and Skateboard Demo, Harrington Gym. Sam to noon - Crew vs. UM ass Lowell and URI 11tm - Softball vs. Brandeis. lpm -B aseball vs. WNEC. lpm - W omen’s Track vs. RP1 and MIT. lpm - M en’s Tennis vs. Wheaton.

3pm and 7pm - Latino Film Festival, W orcester A rt Museum.

7:35pm Worcester IceCats vs. Providence, Centrum 11:30am - Catholic M ass, Lower Wedge.

4pm - Spring Concert, Alden Memorial.

5:05pm - W orcester IceCats vs. Philadelphia. Centrum 6pm - Catholic Mass, F ounder’s Study Room.

6:30 and 9:30pm - Movie, Hamlet, Fuller Auditorium.

Tuesday, March 25 8:15am - Vandalism: at public phone near Bookstore.

2 : 17pm - Small brush fire: com er of Institute and Park near football field. Put out by Plant Services.

9 : 15pm - Report: Plumbing problem in library bathroom.

BOSTON UNIVERSITY SUMMER TERM 1997

Wednesday, March 26 4:14am - Suspicious |>erson: Delivering newspapers in Salisbury estates.

6:20am - B&E: Burger King in Morgan.

2:14pm - Library Elevator: person stuck in elevator. Plant Services called, removed person­ nel and called Bay State Elevator.

3:17pm - Medical: EMS called to station fo r4 5 y o woman with chest pains and difficulty breathing.

7:21pm - Call In: WPI EMS reports student with possible dislocated shoulder on Alumni field due to Lacrosse game.

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Sum m er Session I:

Get a jump on the Fall semester or simply take a class for personal enrichment.

Boston University Summer Term gives you a new perspective of the world around you.

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Sum m er Session II: July 1—August 9

The People vs. Larry Flynt

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BO STO N UNIVERSITY

755 Com m onw ealth Avenue • Boston. MA (>2215

equal opportunity, qffirmatiiv action institution