1999 v27 special2

The Student Newspaper of: a.) We Prefer Initials, b.) We Plead Insanity, c.) Warning-Pressure Intense, d.)Wavering Perpetual Indecision

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Volume 1,000,001 Number Thirty

Greek Students Unite

Tractor Trailer Accident Gone Way Wrong

C o u rte s y G a m m a

D a k a J o e e s c a p e s in E s c o r t

N e w s c h tu ff C o rre s p o n d e n t

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o f f u s s o v e r t h e G o a t , b u t f e w r e a l i z e t h a t i t ’s

b e n e a th

its

g ia n t

fee t a n d

Y e s , t h a t ’s r i g h t - o n l y

h u n d red s o f

d o l l a r s in d a m a g e .

‘T h a n k f u l l y , su ffe re d

by

m o st

o f th e

b u ild in g s

d e p a rtm e n t,

d am ag es.

d am ag e

used

w as

p rim a rily

w h en

a sk ed

by

a b o u t

“ B u ild in g s c o n s tru c te d

d e n t u s e te n d

to

be m ad e

th e

fo r s tu ­

o f m o s tly

b o ile d , a n d

th e

e a rth

n a lly G ig a n s lip p e d o n th e f o u n ta in in F r e e ­ m a n P la z a a n d w a s s w iftly d e fe a te d .

P la n s

O f c o u rs e , w e w ill h a v e t o '

u n d e rw a y

to

e n la rg e

th e

n o rm a l d u tie s .

D o e s P r e s id e n t P a r r is h tru e

id e n t it y ?

G o

B a tm a n !" p a g e

r a is e tu itio n to p a y f o r th e r e p a ir s .”

E v e n tu a lly , h o w e v e r, G ig a n

a re

p r e s i d e n t ’s o f f i c e s o P a r r i s h c a n r e t u r n t o h i s

b a ls a

w o o d a n d p a p e r m a c h e , s o th e y s h o u ld b e e a s y to re p la c e .

seas

its e lf s e e m e d r e a d y to s p lit in tw o , u n til f i­

s tu d e n ts ,” s a id a m e m b e r o f th e A c c o u n t­ in g

n e s s fo r c e n tu rie s .

to " H o ly

r e v e a l h is

P r e s id e n t

3.

D o e s M o th ra

a tta c k ?

G o

to

"Y 2 K

P H O T O BY SIN C LA IR C A N T IL l

s e t its e y e B u g " p a g e

3.

o n B o y n t o n . T h a t ’s w h e n P r e s i d e n t P a r r i s h

P r e s i d e n t P a r i s h ( r i g h t ) p i c t u r e d a s h e b a t t l e s t h e e v il m o n s t e r w i t h t h e p o w e r f u l G o a t 's H e a d D o e s P r e s id e n t P a r r is h

re tu rn

to

tro p h y .

r e a liz e d th a t la rg e n u m b e r s o f f a c u lty a n d a d m in is tra to rs w e re in d a n g e r, n o t to m e n ­ tio n

th e

se cre t u n d e rg ro u n d

lu x u ry

n o r m a l s iz e ?

G o to p a g e 2 3 .

D o e s s o m e m a n ia c in

reso rt

d e p a r t m e n t u n le a s h

a n d d e c id e d th a t it w a s tim e to ta k e a c tio n .

m u ta n t a tta c k fla m in g o s o n

th a t it w a s u p to

m e to

th is m e n a c e ,” s a id th e p re s id e n t.

s to p

“ S o I d id

th e o n ly s e n s ib le th in g - 1 s te p p e d in to th e n u c le a r re a c to r in W a s h b u rn

an d

m u ta te d

w h ic h

ca n

w ave

o f c a r n iv o r o u s th e

co m ­

b in e d m ig h t o f P r e s id e n t P a r r is h M e c h a P r e s id e n t P a r r is h ?

lottery software revealed!

cam pus,

o n ly b e s to p p e d b y th e

a n d

G o see a

T hanks

s h r in k

y o u ’v e g o t p r o b le m s .

fro m

G o a c r ijs

a

N ew sp eak

q u e s tio n e d

N e w s c h tu ff S ta ff

s to r m in g L a te ly h av e

a

been

n u m b er o f h a p p e n in g

m y s te rio u s a t W P I.

th in g s

M an y

im ­

p o r t a n t i t e m s s u c h a s t h e G o a t ’s H e a d a n d th e R O T C d e n t

D E T s h a v e b e e n m is s in g .

D a v id

B u n te n

w as

fo u n d

h a n g in g

u p s id e d o w n o n a w a ll w ith n o th in g ta c h

h im

Jo h n w e

th e re .

W h ile ta lk in g

S tu ­

w ith

to a t­ C h ie f

H a n lo n , o f th e W P I C a m p u s P o lic e ,

le a rn e d

th a t th e s e

s u s p ic io u s

in g s w e re n o t p la n n e d b y T h e d raw

h ap p en ­

W P I.

P r e s i d e n t ’s O f f i c e ,

u n a b le

to

co m e

w ith a n u n e x p la in a b le a n d u n fa m il­

ia r I lln e s s .

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h a p p e n in g ,

th e

q u a ra n tin e d W ed g e.

u n d e rs ta n d

w h a t is

S tu d e n t G o v e rn m e n t

its

T h e

m e m b e rs

S c ie n c e

in

th e

s ta ff m e m b e r w h o

w as

th is n e w s p a p e r a s w e w e re o ffic e to

ta k e -o v e r.

T he

in ­

fo rm a n t to ld o u r re p o rte rs th a t h e h a d h e a rd

th e

F ic tio n

has

L o w er

S o c ie ty

is

In a n a tte m p te d in te r v ie w o f th e

w ith a m e m b e r

s e c r e t s o c ie ty , S k u ll, th a t m e m b e r

lo o k e d a ro u n d s u s p ic io u s ly .

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“ I h a v e n o th in g

w ith

to te ll,"

an d

a c lo u d

o f g re e n g a s , d is a p p e a re d in to th e g ro u n d .

U n d e r th e c o v e r o f d a rk n e s s , o u r in v e s ti­

A rm ed

w ith

a

pen

c a m e ra , ta p e

rec o rd e r

a n d a s k u llc a p , h e s to le in to th e d a rk c a v ­ e rn

and

te n ts

b eg an

an d

O n

s n a p p in g

h a p p e n in g s

th e

ta p e

an d

s h o ts o f th e c o n ­

film , th e e x tr a - te r r e s -

tria l S k u ll m e m b e rs w e re re v e a le d la u g h ­ in g a b o u t a s p e ll th a t th e y

h ad c a st u p o n

w h o m e v e r m a y b e c o m in g a n d th e W e d g e

a c tiv itie s o f C a m p u s p o lic e , S k u ll m e m ­

is

b e rs

resp o n se

to

th e

th e

o f W e d g e R a ts . c ris is ,

th e

In

C h r is tia n

W P I

c a m p u s.

h a v e

b e e n

h av e

H a ll fo r a w e e k o f p ra y e r.

la rc e n y , a n d

th e y a s k e d th a t w e m a y b e sa v e d d e s tru c tio n

fro m

th e

o f th e w o rld .

o n ly

w hy

e v e ry th in g

a ls o

is

g o in g

l i n k t h a t w e ’v e b e e n

a b le to

on.

T h e

to

a p re h e n d e d

b e e n

in d ic te d

th e

an d

s w ift

p la c e d

o n

T h ey

1 2 c o u n ts

o f

1 0 c o u n ts o f k id n a p p in g

as

w e ll a s 3 c o u n ts f o r w o r k in g m a g ic in r e ­ s tric te d a re a s .

I t a p p e a r s th a t n o b o d y a t W P I s e e m s to k n o w

T h a n k s

in a h o ld in g c e ll u n til f u r th e r n o tic e .

B ib le f e llo w s h ip h a s s e t u p c a m p in A ld e n In th e ir p ra y e rs ,

te r a lo n g

T h e N e w s p e a k o ffic e , a f­

p e rio d

a w a y , h a s a ls o b e e n

re ­

s to r e d to its r ig h tf u l p la c e in S k u ll T o m b .

fin d is a

Overall - (Skull Tomb Raider)

T h e firs t to g o w a s th e D a n ie ls H a ll la u n ­ d ry

ro o m , w h ic h

s e rv e s 2 o th e r re s id e n c e

h a lls , M o r g a n H a ll ( w h e r e a ll th e b o y s a r e ) an d

R ile y H a ll ( w h e r e th e in fa m o u s R ile y

O v e r a ll,

th is

g am e

w as

e x c e lle n t,

th e

g a m e p la y s a s a g o o d s im u la tio n o f life a t W P I,

w ith o u t

k illin g

th e

p e o p le ,

p esk y

o r ta k in g

p u n is h m e n t o u t

fo r

rev e n g e .

g r e a t e s c a p e w h e n th e p o litic a l b u lls h it h a s

d ry ro o m

g o n e t o o f a r ...

R ile y b u g s .

R ile y

W h a t m a k e s th is n e w

b u g s w o rs e th a n

s tra in o f s tra in o f

th e ir p re d e c e s s o rs ,

A p p lia n c e s B a n n e d b y

is th a t th e ir g e s ta tio n p e rio d ta k e s o n ly 7 2 h o u rs

and

T h ese

th e y

b u g s

c lo g g e d

b ree d

in

d a rk

sw a rm e d

to

th e

th e p ip e s c a u s in g

w e t p la c e s . w a sh e rs

th e

to

b e c o m e v a ts o f s ta g n a n t w a te r.

T o re a d a b o u t T h e M o rg a n b o y s g e ttin g rev en g e on T o

read

th e b u g s tu rn ab o u t T h e

th e d ry e rs tu rn

to

b u g s

R e s . S e r v ic e s f o r '9 9 - 0 0

an d

w ash e rs

in c u b a tin g

in

F o r th e

to

re le a se

/

#define #define #define #def ine #def ine #define #define #define ♦define idefine I I

I I

<iostream.h> NUMSTUDENTS 720 FRESHMAN 2002 SOPHOMORE 2001 JUNIOR 2000 JUNIORMAX INTMAX JUNIORMIN 500 SOPHOMOREMAX INTMAX SOPHOMOREMIN 300 FRESHMANMAX 299 FRESHMANMIN 1

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Function Prototypes

***

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

// *** Sorting Routine *** void sort_data(DB_Fields stuff,

c h a r [10]

// * * * Function to assign Random Numbers void make_random(DB_Fields b l a h ) ;

key); ***

I I *** Function to 'Fix* poorly assigned random numbers void fix_number(DB_Row haha);

// *** Functions to "Screw" upperclassman void screw_you (int take_a_chance);

***

***

int m a i n (){ cout « “ Now Getting info from Banner™' « DB_Fields schtuff;

endl;

s a fe ty

o f o n -ca m p u s

// Sort the data according to shoe size sort„data(DB_Return, s h o e _ s i z e ) ; // *** Assign Random Numbers sort_data(DB_Return);

* * *

r e s id e n ts ,

// *** Make sure Random Numbers Are okay * * * f or(int ii = l; ii< NUMSTUDENTS; ii++){ m a n g l e _ n u m b e r s ( D B _ R e t u r n .r o w [i i ];) subtract_nine(DB_Return.rowfii] ; ) m u l t i p l y _ b y _ 4 (D B _ R e t u r n .r o w [i i 1;) add_2 0 0 ( D B _ R e t u r n . r o w [ i i ] ;) d i v i d e _ b y _ 2 (D B _ R e t u r n . r o w [ i i ] ; ) d o _ t h e _ h o k e y _ p o k e y (D B _ R e t u r n .r o w [i i ];) t u r n _ y o u r s e l f _ a r o u n d {D B „ R e t u r n .r o w [i i ];) }

in

// *** Re-sort by favorite TV show *** sort_data(DB_Return, t v _ s h o w ) ;

a p p lia n c e s

an d

ite m s

R e s id e n c e

A llo w e d P o w e re d

G e n e ra to rs ,

M itte n s ,

S h o es,

C o le m a r

S h ip s ,

S e a lin g

cout « ‘ Now printing lottery numbers.. * « D B _ R e t u r n . p r i n t _ n u m b e r s <) ; }

endl;

W ax, G ra p e -n u ts 4 ............ • '

J '

-

"

. *

.

1 :

!

"

*’

" * 11 u

T h e s a m e d a y th e D a n ie ls a n d E lls w o rth la u n d ry

ro o m s

la u n d ry

ro o m

shut

d o w n , th e

F o u n d e rs

h a d a c r i s i s o f i t ’s o w n

and

th e s tu d e n ts o f I n s titu te H a ll a n d F o u n d e r s H a ll

w e re

in

an

u p ro ar.

A s

in

a ll o f th e

NOTALLOW ED! P y re x

B e a k e rs,

o m p u te rs , \n y

P o ta to e s ,

C e llu la r

L ig h tb u lb s

P h o n es,

M ic r o s o ft P ro d u c ts , p in e

P lu to n iu m ta r

o th e r la u n d ry ro o m s o n c a m p u s , F o u n d e rs r e p o r te d p r o b le m s w ith th e m a c h in e s , h o w ­

T h e s e r e s tr ic tio n s w ill b e m o r e s tr o n g l)

e v e r th e re w a s a n o th e r c o n s ta n t c o m p la in t

in fo rc e d

a b o u t th e la u n d r y r o o m , th e a ir q u a lity .

s tu d e n ts to

F o r th e F o u l O d o r , tu rn to p a g e 7

th e

b e lo w :

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

a in

S to v e s ,

Founders Laundry Room

h a s a g re e d

I t is s h o w n

th e u s e o f c e r-

G a s-

to p a g e 7

C C C

n u m b e r s y s te m .

f te s S e r v i c e s d o e s n o t a ll o w

■ T a ils. H e r e i s t h e l i s t f o r n e x t y e a r :

p ag e 5

o u r s ta ff, th e

A

b u g s la y ). A p p a re n tly th e D a n ie ls H a ll la u n ­ w a s in fe c te d w ith a n e w

by

lo tte ry

// Call external function to get SQL query from Banner g e t _ s c h t u f f (s c h t u f f );

Continued...

Daniels Laundry Room

re c e n t fa u lty

/ Filename: lottery.C / Description: A program to choose lottery numbers / and screw the upper-classmen, urn, err / I mean to distribute lottery numbers / evenly in a random order. / Author: WPI College Computer Center

// ***

in sid e .

th e

d e v o id

so m e g e n e ra l s h it-ra is in g

iinclude

r a n o f f in f e a r f o r h is life .

h o ld in g ra llie s o u t o n th e Q u a d to w e lc o m e

c o m p le te ly

to

c o d e fo r th e

s o m e th in g a b o u t S k u ll o r A lie n s b e fo re h e

g a tiv e r e p o r te r la te r in filtr a te d S k u ll T o m b .

a ls o

a n y c o n c lu s io n s , h a s re c e n tly

d o w n

b y

s o u rc e /

Mysterious Happenings at WPI b y N a m e s

T h e t r o p h y , s u b je c t o f a lo n g - tim e c la s s f e u d h a s m a g ic a l p o w e r s t h a t c a n b e u s e d in

s itu a tio n s .

th e B io te c h

a v a ila b le o n ly to th e s e n io r a d m in is tr a to r s ,

“ I r e a liz e d

a

such

th a n

in

th e

c o m p ly .

p a s t, a n d

w e

expeci

Housing Lottery Winners:

N

T u e s d a y , J a n u a r y 1 ,1 9 0 0

Page 3

e w sc h t u ff

N ews M ic r o s o ft to

by Garvin Cimaan Newschtuff Rod Despair gripped the campus last week when it was announced that W PI will be p u rc h a s e d by so ftw a re b e h e m o th M icrosoft.

“It’s possibly the single most horrifying event in the entire history o f WPI,” said one CS professor, whose empty gaze betrayed the traumatizing effect the news had on him.

Opinions are sharply divided on the is­ sue, though. Some students agree with the above professor, and feel that WPI will be selling its soul to Satan by selling out to Microsoft. However, some CS students think it’s wonderful. “None o f their pro­ gram s work properly, so it w on’t matter anymore that my code doesn’t compile! I ’ll be able to pass my classes with my eyes closed.” Another cheered that he w ouldn’t have to sake Social Implications of Infor­ mation Processing. “I mean, Microsoft has got to be the last bunch o f people who will

N ew

H o ly

P u r c h a se W P I want to preach moral behavior in the com ­ puter industry to us,” he said.

N ew schtuff asked the suprem e co m ­ mander o f M icrosoft about the future o f W PI under his rule.

“Mr. Gates, using a M icrosoft program is always a terribly disorganized, confus­ ing, painful experience, which doesn’t pro­ duce any kind of results that are useful in real life. On top o f that, they’re hideously overpriced. W hat changes to the WPI ex­ perience will you make so that it fits in with the rest o f the M icrosoft product line?”

“None whatsoever,” replied Mr. Gates, “it fits in fine the way it is.”

Does a 120-foot tall radioactive Presi­ dent Parrish fight off the evil forces o f Microsoft? Go to page 2 Does the LINUX association hack into Microsoft Headquarters and put all o f their money into bananas? Go to Club Comers pg.5 Does the government step in and stop Microsoft from buying the school? Go to page 88

p r o b le m s p o s e d

by Garvin Cimaan Newschtuff Pole

Just when it seemed that we had a handle on the Y2K bug, things have taken a turn for the worse.

“We had created fixes and defenses against the Y 2K bug assum ing th at it would be a caterpillar,” said Y2K consult­ ant Allen Portico. “Unfortunately, how ­ ever, the bugs have spun themselves co­ c o o n s and m e ta m o rp h o se d in to Y 2K gypsy m oths.”

Whereas the previous version o f the Y2K bug was simply going to crash a few com ­ puters, the Y2K Gypsy M oth will probably bring about the end o f the world. Anyone

b y

Y 2 K

b u g

who has ever heard o f chaos theory un­ derstands that hurricanes can be caused by a butterfly’s wings, and the chaos un­ leashed by the sw arm ing gypsy m oths should be even more destructive. Com ­ puter equipm ent will actually turn into a flammable radioactive slime that will attempt to devour anything nearby. The moon will be pulled down from orbit and crash into the Earth. The continents themselves will fly off the surface of the planet and spin away into the blackness of space. Reality itself will unravel, and the universe as we know it will cease to be!

“On th e o th e r h an d ,” said P o rtic o , “maybe they’ll ju st defoliate a few trees.

It’s hard to say with these things.”

P r e s id e n t, B a tm a n !

E l Farid Class o f 0000

The W PI com m unity was pleased when Ed Parrish was made our new presi­ dent a few years back. People were so happy that we had a new president that no one ever wondered how he was chosen and those w ho asked w ere given som e story about a selection process. The story o f how Parrish came back (yes, back) to W PI revolves around President Parrish’s secret identity. Ed Parrish is Batman.

Take a look at any recent picture o f A dam W est - you know, the guy w ho played Batm an in the old series. Now take a look at a picture o f President Parrish.

Notice any sim ilarities? We all know that Adam West w asn’t the best actor, so why was he chosen for the role? Simple, the producers of the show recognized his strik­ ing resem blance to Ed Parrish, the real Batman upon whom the series was based.

The creators o f the show wanted to be as life-like as possible, so they chose a lead­ ing actor who looked like Batman. Back in “the day,” Parrish would don a cape and cowl and work his vigilante magic on our fair city. M any a night did he stand on the rooftops keeping watch on the peacefully sleeping populace.

PH O T O C O U R T E SY C O M M ISIO N E R G O R D O N

E d w ard Parrish

D

i s c l a i m

P H O T O C O U R TESY O F A C M E LABS

N ewso-huff News Editor_______ Vicky Secret

o f W o rc h e s te r

P o ly e s te r

In s titu te

Office Manager_______________________

Mrs. Robinson Photography Editors____________________

Long Dong Silver Peeping Tom

Features Editor_____

Janet Weiss

Photography Staff_____________________

All in the Darkroom doing God knows what!

c/6 Student OrgyOffice 100 Prostitute Road The Comer, MA 01609

Sports Editor

Wilt Chamberlain

Circumcision Manager__________________

Rabbi Snippatip Advertising Manager

NurseNancy^

Web Development______ www.whitehouse.com

Business Manager

Save a nail in tang

Typist pst

-

(508) 831-orgy F ax: (508) 831-biteme E m ail: us@wpi.edu http://wmorgy.com

P hone:

5tlicky Fingers Graphics Editor

duck S. Ne'kld------

Faculty Advisor__________ John John with nothingO rT

A d am W est

by Sinclair Cantilu Newschtuff C0rrespdndent

A W P I B rain M in or

Editor in Chief______ Frederick Hollywood

P H O T O C O U R TESY T H E B A TCO M PU TE R

W P I O ffe r s M in o r in B r a in S u r g e r y

Who Really Gives a Shit 100 Institute Road Worchester, Mass 01609

STD G a l l e r y

Man in Tights, continued to p g 4

Will the real Batman please stand up?

e r

This is not an official publication of WPI Newspeak. Everything in this paper is a work of fiction. Names of important people have NOT been changed to protect them, but rather left in for shits and giggles.

However, most of the othe stuff is all fake...so don't get your nipples twisted!

Just laugh your little buttocks off like everyone else.

Incidently, this paper is also not written by the Newspeak Staff. It was written by the alien beings who have taken-over Skull Tomb (see page 2). Geeze...the friggin Newspeak staff is so incompetant, they could never put out something this great.

They're all a bunch of weenies!

Bitching, slander, complaining, death wishes and other such words of encouragement may be addressed to:

The S tu d e n t

But the Batman/Parrish/W PI connec­ tion goes even deeper than that. The whole o f G o th a m C ity is m o d e le d a f te r Worchester. It m ay not seem like it, but Gotham is an exact replica o f the second largest city in New England. Take notice o f the City Hall and Police Station the next time you watch Batman, you’ll be shocked.

The connection goes the other w ay as well. Have you ever wondered how West Street got its nam e? Is it a coincidence that the main street running through the WPI campus bears the name o f the actor who so long played Batman on our T V ’s?

We both know it’s not.

M ost o f you know about the tunnels under the W PI campus, but do you realize the original purpose of the tunnels? We all remember Wayne Manor, home o f Bruce Wayne and cover-up for the secret Bat Cave. Well, that building sits on the W PI campus and was renamed to hide it’s iden­ tity. Higgins H ouse was long the hom e o f Batman Parrish as he kept his vigilante watch over Worchester.

In fact, right now, somewhere under West Street lies the original Bat M obile atomic reactors and everything. Now Presi­ dent Parrish is back at WPI, prepared to don his midnight colored skin tight outfit

w m m m m

In an effort to expand the range o f skills aquired by undergrads, WPI has decided to offer a minor in Brain Surgery. Along with the currently available minors o f Bas­ ket Weaving, Bowling, and Demolitions, WPI hopes to produce well-rounded indi­ viduals who can provide a wide variety o f useful skills to society. However, because WPI doesn’t have many courses related to brain surgery, administrators were forced to improvise when deciding on the required courses. They finally decided that the core classes would be:

Intro to English Poetry (EN1242) Basic Shop (ME1800) Cognitive Psychology (SS1401) Introduction to Biology (BB1001) The Problem of Evil (RE2722) Fundamentals of Advanced Neurosurgery (PE 5729) “We m ade The Problem o f Evil a re­ quired course because it ju st sounds so cool,” said one o f the founders o f the new program.

The Neurosurgery course was expected to be very popular, since it’s a 1/3 credit Physical Education course, and therefore wipes out 3/4 o f a student’s PE require­ ment.

O f course, the cost o f the class is som e­ what prohibitive. $5 for lab goggles, $60 for the book, and $562,000 for a machine to perform CAT scans.

“We considered just buying 2 or 3 for general student use,” said a representa­ tive o f the accounting departm ent, “but then we realized that would cut back on our trips to the Bahamas - Um no, wait, I mean it would cut back on the money spent on quality on-campus events. W hew, that was close."

Page 4

T u e s d a y , D ec e m b er 31, 1999

N e w sc h t u ff

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Continued from page 3 at a m om ent’s notice should his efforts ever be needed. D on’t be surprised if you ever see Batman running - albeit a bit slower than he used to - across campus one night, or if President Parrish suddenly darts out o f a meeting or assembly because o f an odd looking formation in the clouds.

How could WPI keep all this a secret for so long? One word, propaganda. Sev­ eral years back, the Tech Bible was altered to account for the names o f the buildings changing. Newspeak - then the Tech News - printed articles saying that remodeling was taking place to fix termite problems while secret passages and moving book­ cases were replaced and covered up. It was a really slick operation.

But is that all? Not by a long shot.

Ever think about the boy wonder? Art Carney com es to mind. If you ever get

bored one rainy afternoon, look in past is­ sues o f the Peddler and scrounge up some copies o f the Tech News. W hile Alfred regrettably has passed away, you’ll be sur­ prised at what the Joker is doing now.

D o n u ts

N E W S C H T U FF STA FF P H O T O GREENBOY

L ong tim e passing...

T he m y ste ry o f the m issing W e d g e r a ts w h er e a r e th ey?

Continued from page 1 and took out his coffee and laptop. He then started to surf the web while eating donuts and drinking coffee on top of his car.

While surfing the web, the box began to shift around. Wondering what was happen­ ing inside the box, he turned off and closed his laptop. He then started to un-tape the top o f the box so that he could look inside.

All o f a sudden, but what would appear?

A little intern, all prim and dear. She climbed out o f her place and said, “Hey, wipe that smirk off o f your face!” To the rest o f this story, well.... It’s a long story.

O ut on the q u a d w elcom in g th e a lie n s...

T u e s d a y , J a n u a r y 1, 1900

N

Page 5

ew sc h t u ff

A p a t h y , V e g e t a t in g & E n t e r t a i n m e n t C a p c o m

v s . E v e r y o n e E ls e : A

by What’s His Name Newschtuff Staff

Name : CAPCOM vs. EVERYONE ELSE Platform : Coin-op Publisher: Capcom Rating : n2 First there were the X-Men. Then, M ar­ vel Super Heroes, and eventually, Marvel in its entirety. Later, SNK joined the fray.

N ow , c o u n tle ss se q u e ls la te r, c o m es C a p c o m ’s fig h te r to end all fig h te rs: Capcom vs. Everyone Else.

Ever since the original Street Fighter II, the gaming market has been swamped with fighting clones, many o f them poor im ita­ tions. Still, the number o f good fighters out there is overwhelming. Finally, here are all your favorite fighters, consolidated into a single title: Ken, Akuma, M egaman,

g a m e o f a b s o lu te S im p lic ity

Strider, Demitri, Felicia, Spiderman, Wolver­ ine, King, Nina, Sarah, Wolf, Sub-Zero, Rayden, Galford, Joe Higashi, and more.

B ut the list d o e s n ’t end w ith th ese known fighters. Capcom has cast a net across time and space, bringing together some o f the best-known figures ever: M ario and Sonic, Darth Vader and Seven of Nine, Alien and Predator, Terminator and Robocop, Batman and Superman, Picard and Kirk, Drizzt and Sturm, G andalf and Merlin, Splinter and Shredder, Bond and Phelps, Trebek and Sajak, Greg and Marcia, M cG w ire and Sosa, Shaq and Jordan, Kerrigan and Harding, Leno and Letterman, Cronkite and Brokaw, and D riscoll and Haynes.

As if that w asn’t enough ground to break, Capcom has revolutionized the fighting world, much as Virtua Fighter did before, raising the level from 2D to 3D. That’s right:

V id e o G a m e R e v ie w :

S k u ll T o m b R a id e r

by GoatStealer666@getalife.com Newschtuff Staff

C

o n s p ir a c y

C

W elcom e to o u r f ir s t c lu b c o rn e r.

A ren’t you glad to be G reek? I know I am. H ere’s a copy o f my au n t’s Bakalava recipe if you w ant to try it. W e’ll be making som e at the B akalava Bake Sun­ day in F ounder’s kitchen if y o u ’re in a dorm and d o n ’t have access to a regular kitchen.

Recipe for Bakalava Ingredients: - 1 lb. P h y llo (pastry

final sequence - Senior year apathy. Clara decides that she’d rather graduate on time and finish her M QP than waste her time trying to break into a silly little building on campus. To break her out o f her depressed funk, you m ust drag Clara out o f her apart­ ment to the Bean Counter to stabilize her caffeine levels. However, go easy on the espresso shots, one too many, and Clara could get wired, decreasing her dexterity and charism a levels, causing her to have impaired j udgement.

The final sequence is a grand finale cram­ ming all o f the possible enemies and disad­ vantages into one level, and then adding more. This level definitely works on the prin­ ciple of M urphy’s Law. After Clara receives an announcement that she will not be gradu­ ating on time, she must then defeat some big sub-level bosses such as the Registrar, Ce­ real Boy, Campus Police and Mecha-President Parrish. The fighting sequences be­ come a battle o f extraordinary magnitude.

After the bloodshed is over, Clara finds the key. She opens the door to Skull Tomb and sees...

A delicately engraved sign on the wall.

See "Delicately Engraved Sign "in the Burnt Umber Clipboard pg. 6.

The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything. See "The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything" in the Burnt Um­ ber Clipboard,

o f the hardware’s limit, there’s no slow ­ down.

Perhaps the most amazing feature is the absolute sim plicity. To appeal to a w ider m a r k e t, th e d e v e lo p e rs h a v e m ad e Capcom vs. Everyone E lse’s fighting sys­ tem the sim plest yet. G one are the co m ­ b o s , c h a in s , p o w e r m o v e s, b lo c k s , counters, alphas, and other com plicated strategies o f yesteryear. Besides the jo y ­ stick, a single button com prises the co n ­ trol, autom atically corresponding to the appropriate m ove for any given situation.

W hat could be better?

It takes a strong company to break out o f the mold o f repetitive, relentless sequels, and Capcom is just the company to do it.

With this all-in-one package and innovate innovations, gamers can finally forget the competition and get back to what it’s all about: gaming.

o r n e r s

Hellas and Hellanes

Skull Tomb Raider is the new est in a series o f Doom-style games. The main ob­ je ct o f the game is to unravel the m ysteri­ ous secrets o f Skull Tomb by solving a series o f puzzles and physical challenges in order to gain access to the tomb and the answers that lay inside. The opening se­ quence begins with the well-endowed hero­ ine Clara Bancroft, a freshman EE major, struggling with her first term at WPI. A fter getting breast-reduction surgery, which the recovery from causes her to snowflake in B-term, but also gives her a 30,000 bonus in self-confidence points, Clara continues to conquer the challenges of WPI, and Skull Tomb.

In level three, C lara must decide on a so­ cial path to take through her career at W PI. Will she join a sorority, become a Wedgerat or join the crew team ? Stay in her room with her com puter or go to the frat party?

The possibilities are endless, and each pos­ sibility has its own benefits and pitfalls.

The first time I played, I chose to have Clara jo in a sorority, as I thought the contacts she would gain would give her more con­ nections with members o f Skull. This did not work well, as she got sucked into all the events and parties, she didn’t have any tim e to g ath er in fo rm atio n from no n “G reek” sources. So I tried again as a Wedgerat, just for contrast, and I was able to beat the game with this version o f Clara, as she actually had more access to sub­ versive inform ation, and less visibility, making sneaking into Skull Tomb much easier. Her Wedgerat buddies proved to be very helpful, assisting her with access to a diverse assortment o f weaponry, and loan­ ing her a black cloak, which later enabled her to sneak into the tomb in the final se­ quence.

Before C lara gets to the tomb though, she m ust gather information, equipment, and weapons to make the raid a success.

H er first m ajor challenge is to find the mythical brass goat, which is a sacred ob­ ject to the members o f Skull. She must then use the goat to bribe existing members into finding out the groups’ most treasured se­ crets.

In level 23, after Clara learns the dark truth behind the m agnet lab, she must com ­ bat her most difficult enemy prior to the

Capcom vs. Everyone Else is a 4D game.

Not only must you contend with fight­ ing your opponent (or opponents, using the Tag Team/Battle Royal modes) in a fully 3D arena, the element o f time must also be considered. By grabbing C hronogem s, contestants may travel freely to any point in time, undoing past dam age, evolving yourself into a higher form, or even pulling multiple instances o f yourself, separated by nanoseconds, into the present for a powerful team-up. Heck, by the time the gam e’s over, your opponent may never have existed!

One would think that all this could be pulled off only at the detrim ent to other aspects of the game. N ot so! The graph­ ics, running on the new Banvooami32fx arcade board, can project as many as five billion polygons/second and animate half as many sprites. Even at the upper bounds

sheets), 1/2 cup B utter, 1 lb. A lm onds ch o p p e d fin e (o r w a ln u ts ), 1/2 cup Breadcrumbs, 1/4 cup Sugar, 1 tsp. Cinna­ mon, 1/2 tsp. Cloves For the Syrup: 4 cups Sugar, 2 cups Water, juice o f 1 lemon Method: Place 1 pastry sheet in well-but­ tered baking pan and brush with butter.

Place second pastry sheet on top o f the first and butter again.

Repeat until 6 layers of buttered pastry sheets have been built up.

Mix walnuts or alm onds, breadcrumbs, sugar, cinnamon and cloves.

Sprinkle top pastry sheet thick with wal­ nut mixture and place two buttered pastry sheets over this.

Repeat in same manner until all ingredi­ ents have been used, ending with 6 pastry sheets.

Brush top with remaining butter and trim edges with sharp knife.

Cut diagonal lines the length o f the pan to make diamond shaped pieces. Sprinkle with water.

Bake in moderate oven for about 1 hour or until golden.

Prepare syrup: boil sugar, w ater and lem on ju ic e for 10 m inutes. P our hot syrup over cooked baklava. Allow to stand several hours before serving.

Pathways Walkways, driveways, parkways, streets, avenues, boulevards, highw ays, yellow brick roads, cul de sacs, a hedge maze, an indoor running track, corridors, stepping stones, bridges, a straight line, a directory structure, a planet's orbit... no m atter how you choose to get there, please show up at our next meeting. See you there...

Science Fiction Society Well, the day o f reckoning has come, M icrosoft has purchased our lovely cam ­ pus, and you know what that means! Purple glittery inflatable furniture in the Wedge, and the end o f UNIX/Linux com patibility on campus. It's time to summon our elder lord and friend, the great Cthulu. Join us at last night's meeting to witness this great and monstrous event.

WPI Linux Association Hey people in Linux land! How's your L inux penguin feeling? Have you been keeping it cold and feeding it properly?

TTiis week we will be attempting to hack into the M icrosoft com puters, ju s t for fun... well, okay, we might try to under­ m ine their plan to take over W PI, if we can find anything useful... See you at next weeks' meeting!

Teletu bby, U h O h D e a th

L a b

continued from page 1 Many students refuse to use the lab at all, saying it gives them the creeps. Others flock to it to the exclusion o f all other labs.

“It’s the only place on cam pus where I feel at home,” said a much-pierced, blackclad individual who was weighed down with a few pounds o f silver ankhs and a few more pounds o f dark eyeshadow. “It doesn’t hide the pointless nature o f exist­ ence and the futility o f life. You can feel the dismal, crushing w eight o f it all even

stronger there than any where else. . Death is the only certainty in life, and the lab isn’t afraid to admit it. That, and all o f the term i­ nals have 500 Mhz processors, so it takes only a fraction o f a second to log on to Gothweb and share my angst with other true seers around the world.”

Does someone log on to the computer named Exploding Computer Terminal and end up a colorful smear on the wall as a result? See Police Log, page 8 Does the totalitarian dictatorship o f the school close down the lab? See Police Log, page 8.

Pg-6) 324 Spruce St, Wore.

(Across from Guido's)

C o n tin u e d ...

The Morgan Boys N eedless to say, the guys from M o r­ gan H all w ere none too pleased w hen they found their laundry floating in vats o f stagnant water. They decided to take action against the evil Riley bugs. In the ensuing battle all but one o f the dryers becam e broken. A few still tum bled the laundry but had no heat, the rest ju st ate your money. Good luck trying to do laun­ dry in D aniels....

Ellsworth Laundry Room

The laundry room that resides under E llsw orth 10 and serves the S toddard C o m p le x a s w ell a s th e a p a rtm e n ts (E llsw orth and Fuller) has alw ays had a constant problem w ith discarded cloth­ ing. T here was a p air o f pants, several pairs o f m ism atched socks, and several sets o f various undergarm ents, both male and fem ale, scattered about the laundry room.

To read about Taking The Laundry , turn to page 7 To read about Putting It Into The Dry­ ers , turn to page 7

T

J a b r o n l 'a

o b y

D udes

t

a lr a ty lln

D u d e tte s $ 1 0 .0 0

$ 8 .0 0

. 4

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g

Tel: 7 5 2-5510

By Appt. or Walk-in Hours: Tues - Sat: 7:00am to 6:00pm Closed Sunday and M onday

Nails by DonnaMarie 20% off manicure products!

ft Basic nail job...................................................$12.00 Hot oil on da hair............................................$16.00 Basic nail job w/ wax....................................... $20.00 Toe Job ........................................................... $20.00 Toe Job w/ wax................................................ $25.00 Greaser............................................................ $30.00 Greaser with extra grease.................................$45.00 Schmigma....................................................... $15.00 H

l i i i i i l M

i i i l i l i i l l l l l

Institution Rd

T u e s d a y , D ecem ber 31, 1999

N ew sc h tu ff

Page 6

-t i n g V e r k s h O p W r itin g

fo r th e In te r n e t his p ro fesso r an e-m ail asking why he didn’t get an “A” in his class. Here is his message:

Submitted by Countess Kraftwerk

Good:

It’s always frustrating when you have to write something in a style you’re not used to, but that’s why w e’re here to help.

As W PI students, we know you’re busy w riting essays and Project Reports, Grant P roposals and Ph.D. D issertations, but w hat happens when you’re in the rare situ­ ation o f having to communicate with an online audience? Below are some guide­ lines for common online writing issues: Chat Rooms: Remember all those rules you learned about grammar, sentence struc­ ture, and clarity? Well, throw them out the w indow ! Proper chat room communication requires dropping pronouns and articles.

Here are some good and bad exam ples of proper chat room writing:

To:ProfessorSchmuck<AlfredE@wpi. edu> From:LoserStudent <goatstealer666@ getalife.com> U jerk! Why didn't U give me an NR instead o f an A? I ’m a senior and I need to gradiate!!!!!!!

Here, the sentences are morecomplete, but still shorter than typical sentences.

Also, note the use o f multiple exclamation points, the misspelling of “graduate” and the lack o f respect shown to the professor.

Avoid: To: Professor Doe <jdoe@wpi.edu> From: Loser Student <goatstealer666@ getalife. com> I received my grades the other day, and was wondering why I did not pass the course. I had been expecting an A, ” since I averaged my test and homework scores, and had been doing well in the class so far. According to my calculations, even if I NR’ed the final exam, I should’ve still passed.

Did I miscalculate or was there an­ other error? Please help me clear this up.

Good: densGUY99: “hey ther!!!!!!”

Furbiee: "hi" densGUY99: "wherRU? Furbiee: “atda ‘puterLOU!!!!!!" densGUY99: “LOU!!!!:)" Note the use o f acronyms and lack of punctuation, except for the excessive ex­ clamation points, which are always good.

Also, note the use o f the smiley face o f which there are several variations. Smiley faces are used to denote emotional expres­ sions that are too difficult to describe in writing. Here is a bad example o f a chat room conversation.

T his student will never get the A. H e’s being far too reasonable, and is attem pt­ ing to handle the situation in a m ature fashion. T he professor will likely m isun­ d erstan d his m essage as it is not ap a­ thetic enough.

We hope these tips have been use­ ful to you, and w ill assist you as you jo u r n e y in to th e m y th ic a l re a lm o f cyberspace. If you need m ore help with online w riting, please set up an appoint­ m ent w ith one o f our trained consultants.

Avoid: Philo: “Hi, I ’m new here. This is such an interesting chat room. I have never been able to discuss the meaning o f life with someone who has an intelligence of your caliber."

Dionysus: “Why thank you, I ’m fla t­ tered. So, back to the conversation, how do you feel about the Defenestration of Prague?"

D e a l W

ith

by the staff of The Student Development & Counseling Center Deny it. Always a good way to deal with a n y th in g th at tro u b le s you. C e rta in ly you’re not the kind o f person who has nega­ tive feelings such as anger about anything or anyone. You’re always com pletely ra­ tional, completely logical, completely in control. Denying always makes it get bet­ ter, go away.

Blame yourself. It probably really is your fault for whatever happened. You probably really are stupid; you say and do the wrong things all the time; come to think o f it, you’re really pretty worthless.

Hurt yourself. Since you really are pretty w orthless, you can punish yourself, do things that hurt yourself or cause negative things to happen. There are a multitude of choices here: hitting yourself on the head with your keyboard; skipping classes and not doing work so y o u ’ll flunk; getting d ru n k and trying to d em onstrate yo u r high-wire balancing skills. Possibilities are endless!

Isolate. An excellent self-help tool when angry— or for any uncomfortable feeling.

Being alone as much as possible will give you time to convince yourself o f how an­ gry you are and o f how wrong either you are o r everyone else is. Even if you’re not actually by yourself, it is possible to be isolated. Unlike talking with a friend or other supportive person, being alone with

S q u a re s

It’s your favorite gam e from the 1980’s! Join nine famous nerds in a trivia game o f extraordinary magnitude! This years guests will be: Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, Greg Snoddy, Steve Jackson, Steve Jobs, David Letterman, and members o f the ACM , the SFS, and the IEEE. 7:00pm tonight in Riley Com ­ mons. Be there or be square!

G o rd o n

L ib r a r y

S e m in a r -

“ T o ta lly

U s e le s s I n f o r m a tio n ” This seminar will be a complete waste o f time. You will learn the proper methods o f procrastinating w hile working on your Sufficiency, IQP, or MQP. You will also learn where the white goes when the snow melts, why apartments are called “apartments” if they’re so close together, and how to sign up for Totally Useless Information II. Hurry now, as registration is limited, not that you care.

L ib r a r y

S e m in a r -

U s e le s s I n f o r m a tio n

“ T o ta lly

I I ”

This seminar, the redundant sequel to ‘T otally Useless Information” is where you learn the mystical art o f the Dewey decimal system, and how to use an Internet browser. Students who already possess these skills are strongly encour­ aged to attend, as this will maximize the uselessness o f the seminar.

N e w s c h tu ff S e m in a r “ This seminar will be offered for the existing New schtuff staff members, and anyone else interested in learning how to improve your writing and communica­ tion skills. We will also discuss the intricacies o f how to create subtle, subversive articles and how to control the minds o f your fellow students. At the seminar, a twenty-three course dinner will be served and free computers will be given to everyone who attends, because nobody will show up anyway, because no one will see this ad, because NOBODY READS THE GODDAMN PAPER!!!!!!!

A d a m W e st Street H o u se W a y s T o

C e le b rity

G o rd o n

N otice P h ilo ’s adm ission to being a newbie, the use o f complete sentences, the clear communication o f ideas, and the use o f words containing more than six letters.

Also, this conversation appears to be ful­ filling and insightful. If you have conver­ sations such as these, your mind will rot, and you’ll never be able to get anyone’s email address or phone number that way, and you’ll never get a date.

E -m ail: E-mail messages are sim ilar to Chat Rooms, with their lack of grammar and sentence structure, but they’re a little more complicated. Usually, the goal of sending an e-mail message is to get information.

For example, Loser Student wants to send

T o p

The Burnt limber Clipboard

C D C

A n g e r your anger helps to insure that you don’t see other perspectives, helps to get that anger grow ing in ways that can really hurt yourself or others.

Extinguish creativity. To maintain and foster the most destructive kinds of anger, it is im portant to rule out (don’t even con­ sider!) any but the most damaging options.

W hen faced with a situation that causes anger, do not attempt to express your feel­ ings in any way that may confuse those feelings.

BEWARE of the Open Arts Studio in the Wedge every Thursday from 6:00 to 7:30 p.m. Any narrow-minded impulses your anger may suggest are in danger of being diluted with fun, camaraderie and creation!

Take it out on others. One o f the most effective ways of fanning the flame o f an­ ger! Make sure that your angry outbursts are eith er im pulsive or thoughtless— or that you have ruminated for an extended period by yourself before acting. W hat kind o f angry action you take is up to you.

Just m ake sure that it feeds the anger, cre­ ates even more bad feeling, and confuses communication without running the risk o f resolving anything.

Above all, don’t try to take, or get help in taking, an objective look at yourself or at what makes you angry. It’s so much more fun to have those feelings that tie you in knots. And the people you take them out on have such great reactions— w hat a way to b uild relationships and achieve what you want to accomplish!

M A N D A T O R Y

C la s s o f 2 0 0 0

- “ H o w

im p a c t y o u r jo b

P re s e n ta tio n

fo r th e

th e

w ill

Y 2 K

b u g

s e a r c h .”

In this session, you will learn how to prepare for the coming millennium by storing food, water, insect repellent, and establishing nuclear shelter. This pre­ sentation isn’t really mandatory, but if you don’t go, we’ll probably just make sure your resume isn ’t Y 2K compliant, o f course if you didn’t submit it to us, that w on’t matter anyway.

G n u

V o ic e s

1 7

Student produced play festival, featuring plays written, produced, plagiarized and acted by the sam e people as always. Alden, this week.

T h e

U ltim a te

L ife , th e

A n s w e r to

U n iv e rs e a n d

th e

Q u e s tio n

o f

E v e ry th in g

(Coninued. from pg. 5) Clara saw the answer, it was right in front o f her. Why hadn’t she seen it all along?

—Well, wait a minute, I’ve probably given away too much already, I don’t want to give the entire game away, or it w on’t be any fun if you decide to buy it.

Overall, the game is...

(See "Overall" pg. 2) A

D e lic a te ly

E n g ra v e d

S ig n ...

(Coninued from pg. 5) Clara enters the tom b and notices a sm all, shiny plaque. On it is engraved “Who is buried in Skull Tom b?” Disappointed by the letdown and waste o f time to find it, Clara then goes postal and kills even more people.

Overall, the game is....

(See "Overall" pg. 2)

N

T u e s d a y , J a n u a r y 1, 1900

vvvA'syfllSSiiSl SH

11

T eletubby , B ye B ye !

Arts Open Studio No, really! It’s not a

E n h a n c e th o se D aka m eals w ith

joke! Come check it out every Thursday 6:00 to 7:30 pm at the Wedge. Help make the “Fools’ Circle” on April 1.

Worcestershire Polytechnic Institute A1 Steak Sauce, now available in the book­ store. (So good, the Daka Shark will taste like chicken!!!)

GO GREEEK! L et’s show those freaks from Greece who really knows how to party, RUSH NOW! YOU M U ST JOIN US OR DIE!_________________________________

Wanted: individuals looking for an af­ ternoon o f pleasure with whipped cream and chocolate. Call 831-ORGY

Still haven’t found the goat? Try this clue: Chewing too loud, front of class, Prof. is talking, can’t hear much. Box of Crispix, Free toy inside.

Page 7

ew sc h tu ff

Princess Greg, Princess Greg, you’re too high and mighty for me now.

Bugs incubating in dryers With nobody trying to stop them, the Riley bugs soon took control o f the laun­ dry room. They would allow students to enter the laundry room and then pounce.

Overwhelmed by the great number o f bugs, the student would be forced into the dry­ ers where it would become food for the grow ing num ber o f R iley bug larvae.

Looks like the Daniels laundry room will be out o f commission for a long long time.

Have you kissed a monkey today?

Let's do the Time Warp again!

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‘Gabby” Debbie (Dexterino) Babinareno 3 1 , o f 100 In s titu te Road, a com puter trainer for numerous years, died on W ednesday night after being shot at the WPI Cam ­ pus Computer Center. She Itau g h t m any in terestin g [com puter related classes, Ibut never told anyone her secret o f using web-page registration.

She leaves behind her loving husband K evireno Babinareno and her chiw aw a, named Babs. She has also left behind her parents Davireno and M argireno, and nu­ merous brothers and sisters. She was born in W o rc h ester, an d la te r m o v ed to M aulborough.

Funeral services will be held at 2:00am.

Friday at W orchester Polyester Institute, chapel with a papel. The services will be preformed by Father Pierre Scallion. In lieu o f such a tragic death, there will be no call­ ing hours. Please send any donations to W o rc h e ste r P o ly e s te r In s titu te , c /o Newschtuff.

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Newschtuff Relbmarcs

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This is a word scramble made up o f all words. The words could be any o f a number o f things, potatoes, rubber chick­ ens, presidents o f student organizations - the answers are posted below in case you're too stupid to figure it out.

D u d e

1. EEISTHR

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2. DPSAIER

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S ie g e ers to meet the demands. The hostage tak­ ers informed the police that if there de­ m ands were not m et then three people would die.

When the officer got o ff the phone, he then asked if anyone could meet these de­ mands. He was finally able to find som e­ one that could hack into the system in twenty minutes and meet the demands, but it was too late. T he hostage takers had shot and killed four people. The victims names were not supposed to be released but, we figured we would publish them anyway.

They were N ew schtuff ow n computer col­ umnist, Gabby Debbie, and CCC staff mem­ b e rs S h aw n C o n ra d , A lb e rt Johanesbergson, and Jonnie Bottleberg.

Happy Ending: When Newschtuff ques-

APARTM ENTS! P L E A S E

W A IT !

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. " ' \ C j tioned, President Radish, he stated, “It is a sad day for WPI but we might as well have a party.” After the Siege was over, we asked the police what happened to the hostage takers. They informed us that, “the hos­ tage takers were released on there own recognizance.”

Sad Ending: W hen Newschtuff ques­ tioned, President Radish, he stated, “It is a sad day for WPI but we might as well have a party.” After the Siege was over, we asked the police what happened to the hostage takers. Officer Fountain informed us that, “I gave the order to shot first, eat dough­ nuts latter.” The officers decided that they needed to follow the WPI AUP to the letter or else they might get shot.

Continued from page 1

APARTM ENTS! D O N 'T

H A V E

DAYS & EVES: 694-2691 EVES until 6:00 pm DAYS & EVES: PLE-AASE s M

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P L E A SE L E A V E M E SSA G E W ITH N A M E A N D P H O N E N U M B E R AND H O W M U C H M O N E Y YOU H AVE O N YOU

C o n tin u e d ...

Taking The Laundry There were several reports o f students developing a mysterious rash on their bod­ ies shortly after they dressed themselves with the clothes that they obtained from the discarded mass in the Ellsworth laun­ dry room. A t first Health Services saw these cases as unrelated and passed them off calling it the flu. However, the number o f cases rose as more and more students became infected with the mysterious rash.

Finally after testing done at Memorial Hos­ pital, the Center for Disease Control was called into the area. The Ellsworth laundry room was subsequently quarantined along with the residence o f the Ellsworth apart­ ments plus the infected students. To this day the mysterious rash has still not been identified. Som e speculation o f where this rash originated from leads to the islands o ff the m id-coast o f Maine.

A N Y !

NEAR NOTHING ANYBODY WANTS TO GO TO. LOCATIONS: • DONT EVEN TRY TO WALK TO WPI WE CAN GET YOU AN • WE HAVE RATS, AND COCKROACHES • NEXT TO THE HAZARDOUS WASTE DUMP APARTMENT, BUT WE DONT STARTING RENTS: $2,000,000 NO KITCHENS, LUCKY IF YOU GET A BATH OCCUPANCY UNRELIABLE CALL TODAY FOR APPOINTMENT:

piqs snuoq MnoX ‘iapids e z ‘si aiaqj, ' I :si jajqureios s,3|33M siqj oj jsmsub aqj.

THINK YOU'LL UKE IT.

OFFERED BY: WPI TUITION INCREASERS 100 Institute Road Worchester, MA 01609

Putting It Into The Dryers Upset at the lack of cleanliness o f the laundry room, some students put the dis­ carded garments in several dysfunctional dryers. Unknown to the students, those dryers were functional again, but even more unknowingly the dryers mysteriously turned on. The panels that kept the flames o f the dryer from being exposed were m iss­ ing and thus lint from the clothes got into the area o f the flame and ignited. As the lint burned, the flames o f the dryer got into the barrel of the dryer and ignited the dis­ carded clothes inside. In less than an hour, the laundry room becam e engulfed in

flam es. T he R esid en t A d v iso r o f the Ellsworth apartments were quickly alerted to the problem since it was her apartment that was directly above the room . She quickly called the fire department, but by the time the fire engines got to the scene, three apartments and a laundry room were totally destroyed by the quick moving fire.

The sprinkler system installed in the apart­ ments should’ve helped fight the flames, however the pipes that supplies the sys­ tem w ith w ater w as obstructed by u n ­ known substances and was not previously detected by Plant Services.

The Foul Odor A week before the foul odor was reported the dryers o f the room becam e broken.

Plant Services were called to figure out the problem. For quite some time, Plant Ser­ vices couldn’t figure out what caused all the dryers in the room to fail. Then sud­ denly a mysterious foul odor vented into the room causing many students who were trying to wash their laundry feel ill to their stomachs. Finally after a couple o f weeks o f heavy detective work by Plant Services the source of the problem was found and subsequently taken care of. A pparently an unidentified furry animal got into the basem ent o f Founders and proceeded to chew the wires that operated the dryers.

Unfortunately the animal then got into the air vents and died o f natural causes. The foul odor came from the anim al’s decaying carcass.

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T u e s d a y , D ecem ber 3 1 ,1 9 9 9

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P o l i c e T ree Thursday, April 1,1999 12:00am Alarm: Fourth floor Founders.

12:45am O fficer on scene student pulled fire alarm because that was all he could reach from his position on the wall 1:20am O fficer can’t figure out how student ended up on wall.

1:22am Student transported to M em orial Hospital.

3:20am Alarm: Student A ctivities Office, officer responding 4:00am Clear: Princess Greg forgot code for alarm. New alarm code established 4:02am Suspicous person: Man glowing in dark flying over Riley Hall, fighting dragon and holding brass goat.

4:1 Sam Cleared: Just President Parrish defending WPI from malicious imaginary creature.

5:00am Dunkin Donuts Run 5:01am C offee not ready yet: A nother caffeine booster to arrive.

7:00am Student seen falling upstairs in Fuller Labrotory 7:04am M edical Call: RA requests assistance with student in Daniels Hall 9:07am Students reported stabbing professor with lab spatulas in Goddard Hall 227 upon finding out they were having a pop quiz.

Whafs Happening? apnii-whenever., 3.1 2:00pm - Rerun goes to Shirley’s for some 2:30pm - DwayneimeetsRefuiTjfat|S hi|'ley> 10:00pm - Still

ers and a milkshake. t*for a while, u upgraded already?

Bill

6:30 & 9:30pm - F ilm ^ ‘‘%eside®t Pa ish vs. M echa-President Parrish’ kjng for Dwyane 10:00pm - R og’s M a n ^ j^ lsg jftu a n e i lays the boys are ok 11:30pm - Shirley hears froiji Rc

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1 2 :3 0 p m & 2 :3 0 p r^ X e leb rity Deathmatch f "Prof. Brown vs. Prof. Brown," 8:00pm - Concoct.. Ki&ft%e#k w/Cheese* jfcirrmfttoni

Friday, March 33,1999 7:30am EM S reports loud growls and hissing noises coming from students abdomen. Call placed to W orchester EMS 8:00am W orchester EM S reports student feeling better says ju st hungry. Blood stains found on floor. No sign o f W PI EMS 10:32am Wedge Rats missing, student reported saying before the disappearance, “Beam me up Scotty.”

11:40am Chartwells emergency: No students coming to lunch, worried w on’t be able to save the meal for tomorrow.

12:16pm All cleared students now com ing in droves, asking for Police assistance to keep peace amoung the hungry.

1:27pm Laundry m achines repoted suddenly coming alive and start spinning peoples clothes all over campus.

6:43pm Disturbance: Students at Philosophers’ Circle meeting achieved enlightenment, and have transcended mortal existence in ways the rest o f us cannot possibly com pre­ hend. Students’ transform ation into beings o f pure spirituality bothering other stu­ dents. Group dispersed.

59

2:30pm - Official antjouncement, The ki|is from "W hat's Happening?" are too old to be living at horrje, thfc show is cpncfcllpdy but will be replaced with "W hat’s Happenirjg INfo^?"|tjC|aitf nextsefcsoa. Experience the mayhem as Rog and Dwayne get an apartment together. Will Rerun cry?

10:00am Disturbance: Greek students rioting near Freeman Plaza.

11:00am Complaint: Ethnically Greek students complain that Greek students are jealous, want riot stopped.

9:00pm X-Files. Fox 25: M ulder and Scully thwart a mysterious government conspiracy.

9:35pm Medical: Student poisoned in Death Lab. EMS notified.

10:00pm Apathy, no response

7:18am Escalation: Riot spills out into the Quad. Officers respond with tear gas. Group disperses.

8:30am Officers start selling copies o f N ewspeak for $50 each.

8:32am Disturbance: CCC Shop. Troll and Drak fighting again.

8:34am Officers realize that they have set their price far too low, and raise the price on the remaining 10 copies to $500 each.

8:40am Officers go out at buy a BIG box o f donuts.

8:50am Newspeak staff outraged that their free publication was sold for a profit, yet also deeply touched that students cared so much about reading it that they would pay so much. Few realize that each issue is the product o f the hours and hours o f painstaking effort on the part o f a pitifully tiny staff working with almost no budget whatsoever. We hope one day to be able to buy com puters - right now we have to cut words out o f other newspapers and painstakingly tape them into place for each article. O ur fingers are tom and m angled by dozens o f paper cuts by the time w e’re done, but we don’t mind, because putting out the paper is that im portant to us. (sniffle) I ’m sorry, this is ju st such an em otional moment for me.

7:39pm Medical: Student dismembered in Death Lab. EMS notified.

7:50pm Students from Healthy Alternatives beg officers to have Death Lab closed down for the good o f everyone. Officers mock students and call them names.

8:00pm Riot. Students bitter about getting plays rejected from Gnu Voices start picketing near Alden 8:12pm Alarm: Student needed to wake up from nap for project meeting at 8:30.

9:35pm Medical: Student crushed by falling airplane parts in Death Lab. EMS notified.

9 :14pm Alarm: Student forgot to tum off alarm , Roommate Annoyed

Monday, January 1,1900

Wednesday, December 31,1999

Saturday, March 34,1999 1:1 lpm Small boy calls station to ask if officers can come and play with him. Officers tell him no, they have to work to keep the student population o f W PI safe from the evils of the world. Small boy asks what kind o f evils, and officers describe the hideous things that can happen to a person even in the safety o f their own home. Small boy, mentally scarred forever and doom ed to becom e a paranoid shut-in, asks how officers can possi­ bly hope to succeed against all o f that. Officers confess that they can’t, and go out for donuts.

Sunday, December 31,1999

4:37am Drug-crazed staff journalist attacked by bats 4:38am Journalist takes some downers, calms down 9:24am Medical: Student drowned in Death Lab. EMS notified.

9:29am Riley Bug infestation, Riley Commons, Pest Control notified 9:55am Medical: Student asphyxiated in Death Lab. EMS notified.

12:00pm Journalist steals convertible and heads for Vegas 12:23pm Medical: Student bursts into flames in Death Lab. EMS notified.

1:00pm Confusion. Sense not made. Piano 1:37pm Medical: Student explodes in Death Lab. EMS notified.

1:59pm Disturbing the peace: Free potato giveaway on Pleasant Street 2:00pm Medical: Student bored to death at library seminar. EMS notified.

2:05pm Response: EMS too busy in Death Lab. Try back later.

2:10 pm Medical: Drill Accident. Student bored to death in ME shop. Parents notified.

11:17am Medical: Student consumed by interdimensional vortex in Death Lab. EMS noti­ fied.

11:35am Medical: Student eaten by rabid sheep in Death Lab. EMS notified.

12:35pm Disturbance: Media Lab. Students playing “Skull Tomb Raider” when rule posted no games 12:40pm Disturbance: M edia Lab. Unable to pry students away from addictive game. M em ­ bers o f Skull have arrived to assist. Students mock Skull members and resume play.

1:00pm Death Lab declared a disaster area by local government. Federal assistance grant of $2,100,000 approved.

Tuesday, March 37,1900 7:03am 7:05am 7:12am

N ew est edition o f Newspeak delivered to WPI. Public disturbance: huge crow d o f people fighting to get to issues o f Newspeak.

Assist: Officers with riot gear arrive on scene, try to contain crowd.

M

C lia r t - ills S E R V IN G

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A L L

Y O U R

G A S T R O IN T E S T IN A L N E E D S

PJW CJU <£S

•Special for this week: Uncooked chicken in pancakes 2 for $1.00

£ PO L IC E P H O T O

San dy G atley

A n d rea D orrow

Campus police are investigating the sudden disappearance of the two shown women above. Andrea Dorrow and Sandy Gatley were last seen in the Student Activities Office where they were employed. Director of Student Activities Greg Snoddy has been named a suspect in the case, as well as in another case involving the disap­ pearance of Gatley's replacement, Laurie Brunell. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of these women, please contact WPI Campus Police at (508) 831-5555.

COJJ O w m v v c

•House Specialty: Raw beef omlettes a Chart-ills favorite. all you can eat only $5.00

ciiart-iiis a favorite place for all families in the WPI area.