Xenophobe's Guide® to the Americans

Published by Xenophobe’s® Guides.

Web site: www.xenophobes.com E-mail: info@xenophobes.com Telephone: +44 (0)20 7733 8585 Copyright © Xenophobe’s® Guides Ltd., 2013 All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

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First printed 1994 New editions 1999, 2008, 2013.

Reprinted/updated: 1995,1996,1997,1998,2000, 2001,2002,2003,2004,2005,2006,2007,2008, 2009,2010,2011,2012,2013,2014,2015,2016.

Xenophobe’s® Guides are revised on a regular basis and suggestions for updates are welcome.

Editor – Catriona Tulloch Scott Series Editor – Anne Tauté Cover designer – Vicki Towers

Cover – Thanks are given to McDonald’s Restaurants Ltd for their kind permission to use their product on the cover. Cowboy ©Beatrice Preve/Alamy; dollars ©Topseller/Shutterstock Author’s dedication: This work is dedicated to Frances Trollope, who in 1832 published a very fine book on the same subject; ePub ISBN: 9781908120007 Mobi ISBN: 9781908120014 Print ISBN: 9781906042196

Contents Nationalism & Identity

1

Character

7

Attitudes & Values

14

Obsessions

20

Behaviour

24

Sense of Humour

31

Leisure & Pleasure

33

Custom & Tradition

39

Good Looks, Health & Hygiene

47

Culture

53

Eating & Drinking

55

Government & Bureaucracy

62

Systems

68

Law, Crime & Punishment

71

Business

78

Language & Ideas

82

The American population is 321 million, compared with 35 million Canadians; 64 million British; 121 million Mexicans; 127 million Japanese; 144 million Russians; and 1.4 billion Chinese.

Nationalism & Identity

Forewarned is forearmed

The Americans are like teenagers: noisy, curious, unable to keep a secret, not given to subtlety, and prone to misbehave in public. Once one accepts the Americans’ basically adolescent nature, the rest of their culture falls into place, and what at first seemed thoughtless and silly appears charming and energetic.

Visitors may be overwhelmed by the sheer exuberant friendliness of the Americans, especially in the central and southern parts of Americans are friendly the country. Sit next to an because they just can’t American on a ’plane and he help it; they like to be will immediately address you neighbourly and want by your first name, ask ‘So – to be liked. how do you like it in the States?’, explain his recent divorce in intimate detail, invite you home for dinner, offer to lend you money and wrap you in a warm hug on parting.

This does not necessarily mean he will remember your name the next day. Americans are friendly because they just can’t help it; they like to be neighbourly and want to be liked. However, a wise traveller realises that a few happy moments with an American do not translate into a permanent commitment of any kind. Indeed, permanent commitments are what the Americans fear the most. This is a

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1

Nationalism & Identity

nation whose most fundamental social relationship is the casual acquaintance.

How they see themselves

As befits a nation originally settled by adventurers, religious fanatics, and misfits (a demographic mix that has changed hardly at all in 400 years), the United States retains a strong flavour of intransigent non-cooperation. Americans are proud to be American – it’s the best country in the world – but each individual will explain that he, personally, is not like other Americans.

He or she is different.

Americans are proud to be different from each other and from the rest of the world. As a nation of immigrants, Americans can be of any There is no such thing ethnicity. There is no such thing as a plain American. The as a plain American, anyway. original ‘melting pot’ has Nearly every American is a crystallised into a zillion hyphenated American. The ethnic splinters. original ‘melting pot’ has crystallised into a zillion ethnic splinters: Irish-Americans, Croatian-Americans, Mexican-Americans, JapaneseAmericans, and so on. A typical American might introduce him or herself as Patrick Ng, Octavio Rosenberg, or Ilse-Marie Nugumbwele.

An American will say ‘I’m Polish’ or ‘I’m Italian’ because his great-grandparents were born in Poland or

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2

Nationalism & Identity

Italy. It doesn’t matter that he speaks not a word of any language besides English and has never been farther east than New York City or farther west than Chicago. He knows how to make kolatches (if he’s Polish) or cannelloni (if he’s Italian), and that’s what counts. Perhaps the only noticeable difference between the Americans and the people of other countries is that the Americans spend a lot more time at the dentist in their teens so have spectacularly straight teeth.

How they see others

Only 30% of the Americans have a passport (compared with 75% of the Canadians and 80% of the British). They don’t really need one because an American can travel for weeks Only 30% of Americans and still be on home turf. have a passport. They don’t However, the fact that really need one because everyone who lives within an American can travel 3,500 miles of an American is for weeks and still be also an American gives the on home turf. average citizen a seriously provincial point of view. Because so few Americans visit foreign countries*, they assume that people all over the world are just like themselves, except for not speaking English or not having decent showers. Some

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*Canada doesn’t count, and Mexico isn’t considered ‘foreign’.

3

Nationalism & Identity

Americans believe that foreigners really do speak English but stubbornly refuse to do so out of prejudice.

European countries are not fully differentiated in the American mind. American travellers on guided tours can happily swing through American travellers five nations in seven days, return home with the returning home with the vague vague notion that the notion that the Eiffel Tower is Eiffel Tower is somewhere somewhere in the neighbourin the neighbourhood of hood of the Tower of Pisa – the Tower of Pisa. which, by American standards, it is. The distance from London to Istanbul is less than that between Pittsburgh and Phoenix and only twothirds the mileage from Maine to Miami.

The delusion that ‘they’re just like us except for their language, food, and clothing’ comes from the reality that all Americans descend from immigrants including those who crossed the Bering Strait thousands of years ago. Thus people in other countries aren’t really aliens, they’re just potential Americans, or rather, potential hyphenated Americans.

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Immigrants

In the past, every new wave of immigrants was met with hostility by the old. The Dutch in Nieuw Amsterdam (now New York) viewed the English arrivistes with suspicion; the English mistrusted the 4

Nationalism & Identity

Germans, who refused to hire the Irish, who discriminated against the Russians and Poles, and so on. These days the U.S. government restricts the number of those who wish to be let in to an annual 700,000. Family reunification accounts for approximately two-thirds of this legal immigration, and for the In the American rest there is a lucky dip named the west and south-west Diversity Visa Lottery.

Spanish has become Additionally, hundreds of thouthe unofficial second sands of Mexican citizens cross the language. nation’s (heavily patrolled and fenced) border every year. In the American west and south-west, Spanish has become the unofficial second language, and signs and government documents provide information in Spanish as a matter of course.

Offices wanting their rubbish taken out for collection write ‘BASURA’ on the boxes instead of ‘TRASH’.

Through sheer population pressure, Mexico is accomplishing what no other foreign government has ever seriously attempted: conquest of the United States.

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Special friends

The Americans have a special friendship with the Canadians with whom they share the world’s longest undefended border. In fact, a great many Americans aren’t fully aware that Canada is a separate sovereign nation. After all, Canadians look and talk like 5

Nationalism & Identity

Americans, travel agents describe Canada as a ‘domestic’ destination and the Toronto Blue Jays won the World Series baseball championship (once). Any champion baseball team must be from the United States, no matter what its supporters think.

The Americans feel sentimental about the British.

They import much of their literature, pop music and some of their better TV programmes from Britain.

There is also the Royal Family element: lacking a domestic equivalent, the Americans lap up the latest British blue-blood gossip. The American stand-ins for royalty are Hollywood actors, Presidents, and sports figures. Any winning Super The American stand-ins Bowl coach is a king – if only for royalty are Hollywood until next year’s big game. actors, Presidents and It has been remarked that sports figures. Any the U.S. and U.K. are ‘two winning Super Bowl coach nations divided by a common is a king – if only until next language’ and occasionally year’s big game. this leads to some bizarre misunderstandings. For example, in the U.S. ‘pants’ are trousers and ‘knickers’ are golfing attire. In spite of the misunderstandings, or possibly because of them, the two nations intermarry at a prodigious rate, bringing the countries closer than ever. Nevertheless, many Americans remain wary of all foreigners and especially foreign money. Ron Paul, a Texas Republican congressman, even coined his own ‘Ron Paul dollars’.

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6

Character

They were not legal tender and most of the coins were confiscated under U.S. law, but that didn’t stop the faithful from trying to cash in on them.

Character

Enterprise and ‘derring-do’

Like every other nation, America knows that it is the best country in the world. The difference is that Americans have proof. People from all over the globe make enormous sacrifices to come to the United States, often risking their lives in the process. What more evidence is needed?

The go-getting The collective energies, ‘derringspirit pervades do’ and go-getting spirit of these virtually every aspect risk-takers pervades virtually every of American life. aspect of American life. The Americans’ heroes tend to be outlaws, like Wild West gunfighter Jesse James, or entrepreneurs, like Sam Walton, founder of the Wal-Mart chain of superstores, and Steve Jobs. Their ogres are totalitarians of every stripe, including communists, presidents of major corporations, law officers and politicians. Every American worker has fantasies of one day going into business for himself. It is this ‘can do’, ‘go for it’ mentality that has created so many self-made millionaires and built the nation that is America.

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7

Character

Winners at heart

Being Number One is very important to an American.

In the United States it’s not how you play the game that matters. It isn’t even really whether you win or lose. It’s whether you look like you win or lose – more specifically, win. Winning is central to the American psyche. As American football coach Vince Lombardi stated, ‘Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.’

Virtually every event in American life, from matriculation to marriage to buying an automobile, is structured so that one party wins, or at least comes out looking better than any of the other Winning is central to the participants. What’s more, American psyche. What’s Americans believe themselves more, Americans believe to be the only nation that is themselves to be the only truly capable of winning. They nation that is truly are always being called in at capable of winning. the last minute to bail some other nation out of the soup. Having God on your side in a fight is good. Having the United States on your side is better. To an American, they’re the same thing.

Humorist Will Rogers may have pointed out that America ‘never lost a war and never won a conference…’, and that Americans could ‘single-handedly lick any nation in the world’, but couldn’t ‘confer with Costa Rica and come home with our shirts on’. But author Len Deighton admiringly calls the Americans ‘the WD40 of the world’.

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8

Character

The feel-good factor

Winning is important to the Americans because it makes them feel good, and good is the American thing to feel. The Americans spend a small fortune on books, drugs, and various forms of psychotherapy in order to feel good. The twelfth most widely prescribed psychiatric drug in the country is an anti-depressant.

People attend therapy groups, participate in selfdiscovery retreats and religious revivals, go for hot stone massages, aromatherapy, Shiatsu, and so forth (activities that are especially Good is the popular in California, the feelAmerican thing to feel... good state).

Feel-goodism affects The American reaction to any all aspects of private kind of personal adversity or and public life. crisis is an upbeat one. They look at the bright side, whether or not there is one, and if possible accentuate the positive. ‘If life hands you lemons, make lemonade’, they will chirp as they examine the smashed wreck of their car or the hurricane-ravaged ruin of their home.

Feel-goodism affects all aspects of private and public life. Universities hand out academic awards to anyone with even a passable performance. The American business world is full of rosy projections and enthusiastic estimates. The government and various associations pass out awards and citations of achievement like so many Christmas cards. It’s a rare American

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9

Character

who doesn’t have on his wall at least one Certificate of Excellence, whether in Management, Salesmanship, or Best Attitude.

Being depressed is unattractive and thus not suitable for public display. American bookshops have shelves and shelves of self-help books to pander to the belief that you can achieve true happiness by following their advice. Titles such as The Manhattan Diet, since becoming thinner will make you more attractive; The Purpose-Driven Life, a book that teaches how to improve your life in a religious It’s a rare American context, Who Moved My who doesn’t have on Cheese, a best-selling business his wall at least one guide whose message boils Certificate of Excellence, down to ‘If your well goes dry, whether in Management seek water elsewhere’, and The or Best Attitude.

Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, which describes how to keep a man happy.

The New York Times Book Review gives such books their own bestseller list so they won’t crowd out the ‘real’ books.

Elementary schools focus on teaching children selfesteem, urging them to feel good about their accomplishments (even if such accomplishments don’t include the ability to perform long division without a calculator). Some schools have stopped giving spelling tests because many children can’t get all the words right and the resulting failure might damage their

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10

Character

confidence. The pursuit of happiness is part of the American Declaration of Independence. Good is what you should expect to feel.

Insecurity

The flip side of American cheerfulness is the undercurrent of insecurity and depression that drives much of the country’s commerce and nearly all of its psychiatry. Deep down, the Americans have a sense that they may be missing out on The overwhelming something. Many are fearful, emphasis on winning pessimistic, and unhappy. The and being successful overwhelming emphasis on winleaves large numbers ning and being successful leaves of Americans feeling large numbers of Americans feelinadequate. ing inadequate since they are not rich, powerful, glamorous, or influential. Those who are, expect to enjoy the sunny side of the street – yet, as the media demonstrate, even being rich, powerful, glamorous, or influential is no guarantee.

On September 11, 2001, the nation’s worst fears were realised. The assault on the World Trade Centre dramatically changed the American world view.

Americans are now more fearful than ever. They fear terrorists. They fear that, after working so hard, someone (whether the government through taxes or a thief through force) will take the things they value

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11

Character

away from them. They fear that a terrorist will target them personally. They fear they will lose their jobs (which is not a fantasy as many workers can be ‘let go’ with only a week or two of severance). They fear that their children will grow up If single, they fear they to become criminals, or porn will never get married, if stars, or politicians. They fear married, they fear they will that eating raw oysters will kill get divorced, if divorced them, that their neighbours they fear they will never make more money than they meet anyone attractive do, that they have cancer. If ever again. they are single, they fear they will never get married, if married, they fear they will get divorced, if divorced, they fear they will never meet anyone attractive ever again.

To prevent these dire events Americans move to the suburbs, buy insurance, avoid shellfish, go into therapy, install security cameras, update their wills, and join clubs for singles, although they are vaguely fearful that the latter may exacerbate their fears by bringing them into contact with people who feel the same way.

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It’s a conspiracy

The most extreme form of American anxiety is the belief in conspiracies. Some see conspiracies behind every event, from the Kennedy assassination to the collapse of the Twin Towers, or the FBI becoming less 12

Character

menacing since they installed ‘No Smoking’ signs.

Surely things don’t just happen by chance. Someone must be pulling the strings. Who really runs the world – a conspiracy, obviously. Opinions differ as to whether it involves the Illuminati or the Trilateral Commission, or possibly the Catholic Church, but the underlying paranoia remains the same. Terrorism has now provided justification for their fears as they increase their arsenals and install metal detectors at the doors of their offices.

But that was last week

The Americans are great believers in giving people a second chance, or even a third or fourth. This is in part because they are a forgiving lot, but also because they have a short collective memory. Thus Richard Nixon, the only U.S. President ever to resign under threat of impeachment, became an elder statesman in his later years on the strength of his China policies.

Marion Barry, the mayor of The Americans are Washington, D.C., was convicted a forgiving lot and of drug use in 1989 and went to also have a short jail. Four years later he ran for his collective memory. old office and was elected by a safe margin. The U.S. Congress found Florida Judge Alcee Hastings guilty of corruption and removed him from his position. His home town promptly elected him as

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13

Attitudes & Values

their representative to that same body. This behaviour is not new; in 1904 Boston Alderman James Michael Curley, later Mayor Curley, was re-elected while he was actually in jail.

Money

Attitudes & Values

The American writer and social critic Fran Lebowitz said, ‘In this country, they don’t only think time is money. They think everything is money.’ This may be true, but in an egalitarian society of self-made men and women, what use is a noble family? How far can a spiritual nature take you in the The Americans think bull ring of technology and comof everything in terms of merce? How valuable are clean money because money hands and a pure heart in a can be quantified. fiercely competitive world? The Americans think of everything in terms of money because money can be quantified. In the game of life, money is the most effective way to keep score.

Americans are quite open about their obsession with money. They cheerfully ask and tell each other what their possessions cost and how much they earn (though the latter figure is often exaggerated for public consumption), and have conversations like, ‘How much did your lawyer charge you for your divorce? Really? Wow. I guess I got a better deal than I thought!’

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14

Attitudes & Values

Class and social status

The goal of the Founding Fathers was to create a society without hereditary distinctions; George Washington turned down the offer of a kingship and chose the presidency instead. This left a vacuum between the ‘exalted’ and the ordinary citizen, since nobody could feel better than anybody else simply by reason of birth. The only meaningful measures, therefore, involve money (the great de-equalizer), beauty, and outstanding achievements, such as the cosmetic application of Botox.

America provides vast, Almost every American, unprecedented social when asked, will describe mobility. A plumber can him- or herself as middle easily have a son who is a class. (For practical purposes, college professor; a college middle class means having a professor can have a son white-collar job.) Today’s who’s a plumber.

Americans no longer really believe that anyone can grow up to be president, and they are only too conscious of the vast gaps in welfare between their richest and poorest citizens. But they haven’t given up all illusions of equality.

America provides vast, unprecedented social mobility. A plumber can easily have a son who is a college professor, and just as easily, a college professor can have a son who’s a plumber, especially when the son discovers the salary differential between the two professions. In other countries those with hereditary

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Attitudes & Values

wealth may lead lives of ostentatious indolence. In the United States even those who don’t need to work pretend they do. Anyone without a job is a non-person.

An American conversational staple is to ask, ‘What do you do?’ The only unacceptable answer is ................... ........................

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