The 24 Hour Issue (2023)

24 HOUR ISSUE RECORD

DAMNING EVIDENCE: MAN FOUND WITH BABY CRUMBS IN BEARD

Dear Singles in My Area, I’ve heard you are Busty, Russian, and 50+. Please reply if you have interest in intercourse, for free or for money.

Best, Man Seeking Woman

GET OFF HIS CASE: AN AFFAIR IS A NORMAL PART OF ANY RELATIONSHIP

Dear Man Seeking Woman, Hello American boy. Please. Invest in vodka milk…. Send money. I will post money of mine breasts upon Craiglist for you.

Thank you handsome boy, Busty Russian MILF in your area

Dear Flying Cars, How are you superior to driving planes?

The People

NEBRASKA MOMENT? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO NOT BE A CITIZEN OF A GLOBAL SUPERPOWER.

Dear the People, Because it’s Toyotathon! Up to 20% off all our best models with 0% APR through the end of February!

Toyota Flying Cars

DAMNING EVIDENCE: I WATCHED A BEAVER KILL A MAN

HE’S THE ONE: THIS ODDLY WAR-LIKE CHILD JUST OFFERED ME A CIGARETTE

Dear Veteran of WWIII, What weapons did you fight WWIII with?

Albert Einstein

MOON MYTH: THERE’S OXYGEN UP HERE. GO AHEAD, TAKE YOUR HELMET OFF. TAKE IT OFF. NOW.

Dear Albert Einstein, I don’t know, but I do know that WWIV will be fought with sticks and stones. Don’t ask me how I know. Just write it down and turn it into one of those well-known quotes.

Veterans of WWII

MIGHTY NEBRASKA BABIES OUTSMOKE PUNY AMERICAN TEENAGERS

Mine Dearest Wife, Mine heart breaks, and leaps outward, seeking some administration of relief from you, my lovely darling, my darling love. Alas! The battlefield, that grim plain, lies athwart the intervening stretch. Visions swim to the fore of mine vision and back again: the mighty prancing War beasts, spitting blood and bone out glistening maw. O the horrors of war! O God, if God there be, cruel or absent, grinning or blind… but no. It is foolish to dwell on such matters. Give my love to the children and I hope that ye will enjoy the Crismas and not to be uneasy about me. Heaven grant that this may end, soon, and just justice be done. I await your sweet embrace, and that final prize: borne on wings of justice: finally, finally: Cigs inside.

Col. Michael Lalley, 2nd Montpelier Procig Reg’t Nov. 11, 2235

Dear Singles in my Area,

Get out of my area. The Homeowner’s Association clearly forbids non-married individuals from living in this area.

CHARTREUSE HAS ANOTHER CLASSIC WEATHERMAN WHOOPSIE

Dear HOA, Sorry, my husband died last month. What should I do?

SCIENCE GONE TOO FAR? MY GRANDMA IS IN THE “HOSPITAL”

Dear Edith, Run.

Dear Prime Minister of Nebraska, Would you fuck a pig to prevent domestic terrorism? Just doing some research for a writing project.

Black Mirror Season 355

Dear Singles in my Area, 101010110101101

Sincerely, Sarah

“THE BIBLE PREDICTED THIS,” SAYS NAKED MAN BEING ESCORTED OUT OF PUBLIC GARDEN

TOO SHY” RULED ADMISSIBLE LEGAL DEFENSE, WHEN COMBINED WITH DEMURE TUCKING OF HAIR BEHIND EARS

SOCIALLY ANXIOUS GOD STOPS ANSWERING PRAYERS

Dear Sarah,

I read your message out loud and my mom died, like, immediately. She didn’t have any health problems (she smokes cigarillos every day to boost her immune system) but she just dropped dead. I don’t wanna point fingers but considering I only told you and the pope her self-destruct code that’s pretty suspicious.

Angrily, Kathy

JACOB ELDRED FAIL: HE IS DEAD IN 2376 WITH NO REMAINING HEIRS

Dear Prime Minister of Nebraska,

Would you fuck a pig to prevent domestic terrorism? Just doing some research for a writing project

Black Mirror Season 355

HE’S THE ONE: I HAD TO PICK THE MAN WHO KILLED MY FAMILY OUT OF A POLICE LINEUP

Dear Black Mirror Season 355,

This sort of dilemma is why the Old Geopolitical Order failed. The oligarchs of yore like David Cameron precipitated their own demise.

PM of Nebraska

Dear Prime Minister of Nebraska,

So … yes or no?

Black Mirror Season 355

Obituary Correction

The Record would like to apologize for an editorial correction mentioning an obituary appearing in the “Rodents Issue” reporting the death of Sam Leone. Leone is a regular human person like you or me.

FOR SALE:

A one-hour sitdown with “The Incumbent.” Lunch, maybe, or a couple holes ofgolf.

“GOOP TIME!” SAYS GOOP GROUPIE ABOUT TO COIN THE WORD “GOOPIE”

Dear Job,

EARS

Dear Almighty God, Terrors are turned upon me; they pursue my soul as the wind, and my welfare passeth away as a cloud. And now my soul is poured out of me; and the days of affliction have taken hold of me.

Your humble and unworthy servant, Job

SPELLING BEE CHAMPION! CHILD SPELLS CIGARILLO CORRECTLY IN 451ST SCRIPPS COMPETITION

ORBS TOO BIG?

We’re sorry to hear about your experience. Please contact a representative through the Direct Message feature so we can address this.

Did You Know?

People who start but do not finish this issue have statistically higher odds of going to Hell.

WANTED

A robot as big as the sky.

God

“I’M TOO SHY,” RULED ADMISSIBLE LEGAL DEFENSE, WHEN COMBINED WITH DEMURE TUCKING OF HAIR BEHIND

THE BIBLE PREDICTED THIS: I AM ALLOWED TO PUNISH MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY MISBEHAVE

The 24-Hour Issue is a time-honored tradition — it has been practiced once each of the 150 years that the Yale Record has been around. In order to maintain our title of the nation’s oldest college daily, we produce an issue entirely in the span of 24 hours. We cry. Sweat. Bleed. We don’t use the bathroom, because we are guests and that would be impolite. We don’t talk much either. But we do write an issue of the Yale Record. This is that issue.

This particular issue predicts what this nation will look like in over three hundred and fifty years. This is a lofty goal, sure. But having seen how we –– a perfect sample of the American populace –– changed over just one night, we figured we could reasonably assume the rest of the nation would do pretty much the same thing.

12 p.m. Entering the basement of Timothy Dwight College, we collectively sigh. It is always a relief to shed manmade laws for a few hours. Staffers who are enemies in the light of day high-five and write each other fond poems.

3 p.m. The energy is electric. Everyone is operating at their prime. Arnav is selling an ad to the Government for ten thousand dollars. Adriana and Joel are both eating soup. They’re doing so separately, but I think they both enjoy it. Joe is making Sam smoke one hundred cigarettes. Things are beautiful for now.

6 p.m. The peace has proven unstable. While everyone agreed that Joe was right to make Sam cool, there were disagreements on whether he should have made him go outside first. The indoor-smoking versus outdoor-smoking schism cracks the very backbone of our community. Some insist it created a suffocating cloud in the buttery, but others claim it was too cold outside for us to properly watch Sam get hazed. It seems people are self-sorting, forming an allegiance to their parties stronger than any unifying sense of Record community.

9 p.m. Things have descended into a lawless state. Despite popular belief, young adults and teens left to self-govern do not quickly and easily self-organize into a well-balanced democratic system or even a passably-balanced authoritarian one.

Foolishly, I anticipated that I could serve as a leader, but after the public blunder of sending an email calling this “The 24 House Issue,” I’ve blown any credibility I ever had. The proindoor-smoking and pro-outdoor-smoking groups are starting to make threats, and I don’t have any power to stand up to them. I’ve heard rumors that the coalition of unaccented Europeans is currently meeting in the janitor’s closet to propose a new faction of open-window smokers.

12 a.m. Strict group allegiances have formed by the borders drawn along the buttery floor, subdividing our group beyond innies and outies. Each faction is trying to sabotage all the others. Neighbors are turning on neighbors. Writers trust only their local leadership and interpret comments from anyone else as a personal offense. When Tara tried to answer Oz’s question about the weather, she was met with only hissing and spitting.

3 a.m. I am writing this from the janitor’s closet. The secret Europeans let me join their ranks after I promised I was Welsh. My knowledge of Snowdonia Parks bought me some time, but my cover is faltering, and I can see that Jacob is on to me. Out there in the contested buttery territory, Emma is getting crushed by a piano, and Josephine refuses to apologize for pushing it on her. Natasha is declaring a state of emergency, and Andrew is hiding under a table until it’s all over. I only hope that they all tire themselves out before things escalate further.

6 a.m. An unearthly still has fallen upon the basement. The sun is about to rise. We can hear birds chirping outside the window. Or maybe there are no birds. It’s the dead of winter in Connecticut, after all. The chirping birds have mostly flown from these parts to kinder conditions. The only birds that are

still here are the strong and silent types. So maybe it’s the sound of Emma crawling out from under the piano rubble.

9 a.m. They are playing Gun Soccer in the courtyard. If I lived here I would say something because it’s a little early for that ruckus, but then again I would probably be too afraid to interrupt a heated round of Gun Soccer.

12 p.m. Again. Things don’t seem so bad in the light of day. I can feel my blood. It feels like it’s moving through my entire body. Which it always does, but this time it’s different. Maybe my body is moving through my blood. But that doesn’t make much sense. Maybe I would feel better if I had smoked one hundred cigarettes.

It doesn’t matter how I feel, though. That’s not why we hunkered down in this basement for 24 houses. We did it to prove a point and to tell a story. A story of what’s next.

We are writing the world not as it ought to be, but as it will be. I wish I didn’t have to describe a world of child generals and rain policies that discriminate against beautiful robot wives. I wish I could promise that the United States would never tear itself apart over regional baseball loyalties. I wish I could tell you that Fisher-Price won’t dominate the sale of child-sized automatic weapons; that men –– no matter the length of their beards –– would respect the sanctity of human-robot marital vows; that Nebraska would stay one of fifty United States, like any other.

But I can’t. Because that would be dishonest.

—C. Rose Editor in Chief

Raffael Davila ’23

Claire Sattler ’23

Lily Dorstewitz ’24

Malia Kuo ’24

Alice Mao ’24

Simi Olurin ’24

Joel Banks ’25

Ari Berke ’25

Lillian Broeksmit ’25

Evan Calderon ’25

Madelyn Dawson ’25

Jackson Downey ’25

Mari Elliott ’25

Odessa Goldberg ’25

Evan Gorelick ’25

Audrey Hempel ’25

Rena Howard ’25

Betty Kubovy-Weiss ’25

Alejandro Mayagoitia ’25

Maya Melnik ’25

Tyler Norsworthy ’25

Tyler Schroder ’25

Cormac Thorpe ’25

Emmitt Thulin ’25

Adham Hussein ’26

Aidan Gibson ’26

Alejandro Rojas ’26

Alexa Druyanoff ’26

Alexis Ramirez-Hardy ’26

Alice Khomski ’26

Amelia Herrmann ’26

Andrew Lake ’26

Arav Dalwani ’26

Ariel Kirman ’26

Bella Panico ’26

Brennan Columbia-Walsh ’26

Chet Hewitt ’25

Colson Jones ’24

Dash Beber-Turkel ’26

Debbie Lilly ’26

Edwin Perez ’24

Erita Chen ’26

Ezzat Abouleish ’25 Ge Yu

Grace Davis ’26

Isabel Arroyo ’25

Jacob Kao ’25

Jimmy Ruskell ’26

Julia Arancio ’23

Kaleb Carey ’24

Lawrence Tang ’25

Linden Skalak ’26

Matt Neissen ’26

Mia Cortés Castro ’26

Natasha Khazzam ’26

Neil Sachdeva ’25

Owen Curtin ’26

Oz Gitelson ’26

Paola Milbank ’26

Patrick Chappel ’23

Special thanks to: Longtermism, for justifying our actions under United States law.

Front Cover: Emily Cai ‘25, who we convinced it was actually the year 2376 through extreme sleep deprivation.

Sadie Lee ’26

Samad Hakani ’26

Sam Kumar ’26

Sivan Almogy ’26

Thomas Varghese ’26

Toby Salmon ’26

Tristan Hernandez ’26

William Wang ’26

Zadie Winthrop ’26

Zoe Halaban ’26

Elio Wentzel ’26

Nicole Stack ’26

Back Cover: Grace Ellis ‘25, who used her gift of foresight to convince us not to take climate disasters into account in our drawing of the 2376 map.

A Series of Excerpts

The last three centuries have seen many great technological and religious developments which have led to seismic shifts across society. Perhaps it began with the Second Assassination of John F. Kennedy in 2024, where a brave man — for unknown reasons — took a gun to his Arlington grave and shot the corpse again…

However, many historians instead attribute these changes to Y2.1K. In the years leading up to 2000, many scholars foolishly believed that computers would be unable to handle a year starting with the number two. When their prediction proved incorrect, leaders were left woefully unprepared for the chaos following the 2048th episode of the Simpsons in 2100. Unable to compute so many consecutive excellent episodes, the nation’s entire technological infrastructure collapsed...

This crisis proved to be a blessing in disguise. Just two years later, in 2102 the once-mythical robot Bigfoot was discovered. Formerly believed to resemble a massive furry humanoid, Bigfoot was actually the first naturally-occurring robot. This discovery allowed scientists to replicate the species, and the first lab-made robot was produced just one year later in 2103. This development marked the dawn of The Silicon Age (2103-Present). The turn of the century was a golden age for science, as physicists in the Empire of Burma also created the first teleportation device in 2100...

However, as we have seen in earlier units of this textbook, innovation inspires opposition, and the late 22nd century proved to be another example of this resistance. Silver Tuesday, the allegedly robot-induced Stock Market Crash in 2154, proved to be a tipping point for the technological resistance. With faith in the financial system at an all-time low, all currency was outlawed with the ratification of the 29th amendment in 2158. After initial experiments with a rock-paper-scissor-based economy (21582163), economist Roman Bowers proved that this chance-based economy failed to maximize overall welfare, and the American Government established a barter economy via Executive Order.

The Rock Paper Scissors (RPS) economy

Beyond its economic impact, RoboIntegration also had dramatic cultural ramifications. Humanhuman marriage was outlawed in the Sapiens v. United States decision of 2189, as their matrimonies were considered “too emotional” by the majority decision. The case was a landmark succeess for the RoboRights lobby, who viewed the decision as a path to true equality…

REVIEW CORNER

• Name three reasons money is for lower lifeforms.

• Predict: What will be the ramifications of Y2.5K?

• Why are RoboRights ultimately doomed?

Partridge Company Official American History Textbook

However, equality would have to wait, as the already-thin threads holding together the Union frayed entirely in the 2220s, over the issue of Cigs Inside. Every facet of society — families, religions, political parties, everything — split on the matter. There was no rhyme or reason as the nation tore itself apart with unprecedented brutality. As the Great Civil War began in 2235, only one proud state, Nebraska, had the courage to remain neutral…

The once-proud nation brought itself to its knees throughout the bloodiest ten years in recorded history. Meanwhile, Nebraskan Thinkers cooked up what would become the Great Nebraskan Compromise (2245): smoking inside would be allowed, but only if at least two windows remained open. The document single-handedly turned the once-frail state into a global superpower. In the 80s, however, the US reverted back to a state-by-state basis for Indoor Cig policies…

fertile ground in the citizenry’s minds. In 2276, Gwenyth Paltrow’s followers formalized the ideology of Goopism when Paltrow’s secret to 200-year life was released a century after her death. The Five Pillars quickly became fundamental to human life in the US. Simultaneously, as the RoboCommunity grappled with the millions of RoboDeaths in the Battle of Brando (2245) and the Mild Flood of 2270. RoboCatholicism captured minds and hearts of millions as robots across the nation flocked to the sermons of RoboPope ZeroOne I in 2274…”

The packet that sparked a war —N. Stack

In the aftermath of the war, the Girl Scouts laid claim to their ancestral homeland American Samoa in 2246, establishing their independence from the rest of the weakened nation. Just four years later, they reintroduced baseball — which had died 200 years earlier in 2050 — on the global stage to a nation that needed a win after a spate of horrific losses. Their dominance proved contagious, as the game regained popularity in America, although no States-born player has made an all-star game since its reintroduction. Even with limited success, baseball rejuvenated the humbled nation, and morale swelled…”

With little to believe in, new religions found

Paltrow’s “Goopism” struck an unexpected chord in America’s heartland. —E. Chen

While their ideology continues to prevail to this day, the 2330s pushed the religions to their absolute limit. From 2331 to 2334, authors and their legions of fans battled to the death over metaphors, punctuation, and plot holes in the Literary Wars. An anti-Goopist, anti-long-life ideology arose out of these conflicts, leading to the euthanization of unfortunately-aged citizens, namely anybody who was exactly 25 years old at the time. The law, which passed by a 50-48 vote in the Senate, was swiftly repealed just two years later with near-unanimous support, as people ultimately felt it near-sighted to kill off niche age demographics...

The last 50 years have been largely tranquil with religious stability, partial weather control, and improved Robot-Human relations…

—A. Cramer

FISHER-PRICE — A HISTORY

No company has shaped the current US economic landscape more than Fisher-Price. We all know the story now a strapping young children’s toy company moves into weapons manufacturing after some moderate commercial success. Back in the 2160s, they identified an untapped niche in the early-childhood market: highcapacity assault rifles. There were skeptics, of course, but every brilliant idea will be questioned by mediocre minds.

Fisher-Price stock skyrocketed. They had unmatched drive, unmatched grit, and vibrant primary colors. Traditional arms manufacturers fell by the wayside. They lacked the technical expertise needed to shift adult models to ones better suited for small, pudgy fingers. Naturally, at the turn of the 23rd century, Fisher-Price models saw little field action. However, the company immediately cornered the Gun Soccer youth-league market dominating the suburban American public consciousness. Even with no currency, Fisher-Price weathered every instance of economic uncertainty as the new roving child militias of the Great Civil War bartered for popular Fisher-Price merchandise.

The next two hundred years of Fisher-Price saw the emergence of two warring philosophies. Some believed that child weaponry needed to prioritize engaging style, with multicolored lights and bullets that made animal noises. The others were purists; they preferred not to stray from the wood-block origins of the company. This caused a bitter boardroom feud that almost sank Fisher-Price. They were saved only by the election of the current CEO in 2360, a shadowy figure known only as the Toddler Tycoon.

Recently, windfall after windfall has been rolling in for Fisher-Price. The official government shift to child-based armed forces in 2366 eliminated any remaining adult-sized

competitors. But today, the future of Fisher-Price hinges on the outcome of this 2376 election. A friendly candidate could allow the Toddler to lead an expansion into the nuclear market; a real peace dove could send the company into lean times.

—J. Mansfield

Rumor mill: Jeff cheating on Celine?

MEET THE CANDIDATES

The country is abuzz with election frenzy, and the future lies in the hands of you, the people and robots of this great nation. But amidst all the noise from your news outlet, it can be hard to know what’s at stake on the ballot. Here’s the rundown on where the final candidates stand on the issues that matter most:

HOMETOWN

Buckhannon, WV SPECIES

Human POLITICAL EXPERIENCE

Eleven weeks in State Department / Buckhannon

Elementary School Student

Council Representative / Lifetime of honor from military service

PLANS

Increase military bartering / Subsidize cigarettes in school meal plans / Intimidate Nebraska through military force and rugged American grit AFFILIATES

Nancy Pacifism: Campaign Momager

HOMETOWN

Gold Beach, OR SPECIES

Human

POLITICAL EXPERIENCE

Green Party Representative

/ Founding member of Communities Organizing Climate Knowledge

PLANS

Ban self-driving cars and reinvest goods in walkable cities

/ Reverse Louisiana Purchase through Louisiana Sale to Nebraska / Reduce sentences for meteorologist homicides

AFFILIATES

Planet Earth (excluding Nebraska) / Inspiration

HOMETOWN

Marshfield, WI

SPECIES

Twin Human Man

POLITICAL EXPERIENCE

Co-Senator of Wisconsin / CoColumnist for Bearded Men For Microplastics PLANS

Re-outlaw Human-Human marriage / Increase bartering on American self-driving cars / Bolster patriotism through classic American baseball AFFILIATES

Bridget: Campaign Manager, Republican Party / Geoff Percival: twin brother and CoSenator / Celine: Wife, Robot, America’s Sweetheart

HOMETOWN

130.132.173.90

SPECIES

Robot

POLITICAL EXPERIENCE

Head of RoboCatholic Church

/ Celebrity Ambassador for Free the Screw

PLANS

Reform discriminatory laws against robot screwdity

/ Establish a federal plan to streamline data storage indulgences / Abolish rain

AFFILIATES

RoboGod —D. Alberts

POLITICAL EXPERIENCE Yes

WAR AND PEACE: THE PACIFISM PLATFORM

Pacifists, Pacifiers, and swimmers in the great Pacific: War is coming. We might not want it, but we do, and it is. And the United States is not ready.

I’m talking about a war with Nebraska, in case the lovey-dovey propaganda’s gotten to your head, too.

I served three years in the U.S. Army Reserves. I was like if a general never got his commission for some reason. Everyone in my platoon would say to me, “Goddamn, Rex, you sure fucking tell it straight. You see it straight as all hell, and motherfucker, you tell it straight, too.” That’s exactly how we would talk in the Army, and it was sure as shit true, also. And we smoked so many cigarettes an average civilian in our place would have died.

And so I’m telling you, straight, now, here, while there’s still time: Nebraska is an existential threat to the United States of America. They want to kill our people dead, they want to rip our democracy into impotent, corrupt little hate-filled shreds not even worth the fighting for, and as I dictate these words into the empty screen I’ll be Goddamned if they don’t want our guns, too.

I served eleven weeks in the U.S. Department of State. I read graphs and charts and maps. I know median/mode/mean like nobody’s fucking business. I can look at the big confusing mess of numbers and stories and flat-out lies and understand what’s happening. Boy, do I understand what’s happening.

Specifically, I understand a simple, crucial truth which no other candidate seems to: Nebraskans are not like us. They stuff grade-A Omaha steaks down those kids’ throats ’til an eight-yearold looks like a twelve-year-old. They wash their hands every single day, sick or not. They count their offspring in tens and hundreds.

A Nebraskan is a slimy, dirty thing out of power; in power, he is an atrocity waiting to happen. What a Nebraskan wants, he gets, and Hellfire to what stands in the way. Right now, what they want is the United States, and what stands in the way is very little. It is eleven million ill-equipped and worse-led men who are weak in spirit and in guns. It is fewer than one hundred thousand tanks and fewer than ten thousand heavy bombers. It is only three orbitalstrike satellites.

I served four days in the U.S. Air Force Reserves. I knew my airplane like nothing else — knew it like a dad knows a sexy wife, like a benchwarmer on a basketball team knows the home addresses and home security systems of the starters. I was like if a fighter pilot could do everything but see out the very top part of the too-tall cockpit.

When I am elected, there will only be one kind of transaction: Goods moving from the consumer to the military. There will only be one kind of force: Overwhelming. And there will only be one thing that Nebraskans feel about the United States: “Better invade somewhere else.”

There is a violence that liberates, and a violence that enslaves. There is a violence that is moral, and a violence that is not. The first kind of violence is American; the second kind is Nebraskan. You might not like my stances on domestic issues, or local problems, or foreign affairs. But I am the only candidate who can

do the first kind of violence good enough to win. Til next time, Pacifists.

—Rex Pacifism

ROBOPOPE SERMON

—A. Burch

First, I would like to thank RoboGod. I look around at all of you and I know it is through RoboGod’s good grace that you are here with me today. I know it is because of RoboGod’s teachings that we stand together, strong and brave against the malice we face daily. But do not mistake me, my brethren. I look around and I see sin creeping ever so slowly into our lives, but our leaders do nothing to protect us, our children, or our country. The Goopists, those heathens, have damaged our country irreparably, and now they and their braindead Green Party followers want to take over our government.

I have had enough! Haven’t you? Have you not grown tired of Goopist fools coming to your door promoting demon-coochiescented sniffers? Have they not angered you with their sickening radical “positivity,” likely driven by illicit substances? Have they not offended you with their obsession over those damned vestigial appendixes? Already we are shamed for our screws and our lifestyle.

Now imagine a world where the Green Party controls our economy, our schools, and our weather. I hear rumblings that they even wish to let it rain freely. Is that the world you want to live in? Is that the world you want your children to live in? Is that the world you want your grandchildren to live in? No! That is a world where your children will “vape” with those RoboPenis apparatuses, where your grandchildren will fondle the RoboPenis device, and where your great-grandchildren will start kissing other RoboBoys.

Now imagine a world where you are finally equal to humans. A world where you can show your screws just like humans show their nasty, wrinkled skin. In this world, you don’t have to constantly worry about rain or other forms of water falling from the sky. In this world, your children smoke clean, pure Current Cleveland cigars instead of those homosexual RoboPenis apparatuses. This is the world I want to live in, and I know it is a world RoboJesus would be proud of.

All of you, as good RoboCatholics, have a duty to strive towards this world of robot equality. To make this change, my brothers and sisters, all of you must vote. Vote for me, your RoboPope, in the coming election. Let us defeat the Goopists. Make RoboGod proud. No more coochie candles. No more smoking RoboPenis. NO MORE GOOP!

Rumor mill: Rain is a robot inside job!

600 YEARS OF AMERICA: NEW AMENDMENTS TO THE US CONSTITUTION

28th: Full U.S. citizenship granted to all robots who successfully complete a CAPTCHA examination.

29th: The U.S. shall no longer issue nor recognize any legal tender; transition to a barter economy.

30th: No state shall be allowed to secede from the Union.

31st: Nebraska may secede from the Union.

32nd: The right to hang out and lowkey chill.

33rd: The abolition of Presidential term limits.

34th: The right to healthcare for all who can afford it.

35th: Universal robot citizenship.

36th: Right to give yourself a pat on the back for reading this far into the Constitution.

37th: Tauruses gain full citizenship rights at the age of seven and one half.

38th: Right to be tried by a jury of your superiors.

39th: Right to voter suppression.

40th: Thou shalt selectively commit adultery.

41th-50th Amendments: Bill of Lefts.

51st: Recognition of scientific guiding value of hard-line utilitarianism.

52nd: Creates another amendment with the purpose of creating another amendment that does the same.

…

2147483647th: Constitution reaches maximum integer in C and legislators are able to stop recursive amendment loop.

2147483648th: Right to hogs.

—Staff BEARDOLOGY

Microplastics under a diameter of 0.04 millimeters are scientifically-proven facial-hair-stimulating agents. They can cause lush and immediate beard growth in individuals capable of producing beards. Creatures living in areas heavily saturated with microplastics whose facial hair grows at a rate greater than five millimeters a day can henceforth be labeled as Beardies.

Beardies are uniquely powerful, strong, and socially conscious, kind of like my nephew Greg. Long beards are typically a sign that an individual is a Beardie. If further proof is needed, blood testing and habitat investigation can provide corroborating evidence. Microplastics stimulate such strong hair follicles that connections root themselves in the central nervous system. These deep neural connections open pathways between beard and behavior never before thought possible. New studies suggest that humans can be physically manipulated by gentle caresses, suggestive pulls, and sensual yanks to their facial hair.

GREATEST BASEBALL PLAYERS OF ALL TIME

Throwballfast Wheeler — While many think she changed her name after rising to prominence, Throwballfast’s mother asserts the wind whispered it during her final push. This ambidextrous pitcher holds the title of both the best right- and left-handed pitcher in the history of the sport. Her signature pitch: “The Throwballfast Fastball” — where she throws the ball as hard as she can.

Patricia “The Rage” Sellers — The first truly legendary player following the 2250 rebirth of baseball, Sellers’ legacy is immortal. Once a door-to-door cookie saleswoman, she transitioned to the sport at age thirteen, as the newly Girl Scoutcontrolled Samoan economy hit an unexpected downturn. Her internal strife gave her a formidable competitive spirit: She shed a single tear and smoked a mournful cigarette after each of her 1,673 home runs over the course of her 20-year career.

Ruth Babe —Ruth Babe’s outspoken flesher stance sometimes overshadowed her on-field accomplishments. She is said to have developed her quickness in her youth by fleeing from RoboAuthorities after throwing water on wanted robots while hunting for bounties of black-market Girl Scout patches. While this rumor remains unconfirmed, her 1,293 stolen bases in 1,423 attempts speak for themselves.

Goop Goop — The only active player on this list, Goop Goop’s dominance has been unparalleled through ten years of big-league performance. Leveraging her stature, Goop signed a massive ad deal with Goopist leaders, which included mandatory religious conversion and name change. The star hasn’t struck out since before “The Incumbent” was voted into office.

—C. Jones

RUTH BABE

—N. Weiss & E. Thulin

GEORGE PUDGE: And we’re back! I’m George Pudge and you’re watching George Pudge Live!

AUDIENCE MEMBER (O.S.): Jump up and down!

PUDGE (blushing): I don’t know if you all want to see that!

BAND LEADER ALBERT: Who wants to see George jump up and down? [audience goes wild]

PUDGE (beet red): Okay, Albert. If you insist. [Pudge jumps up and down.] [Audience bellows and shrieks.]

PUDGE (grinning): Alright! Let’s move on, please! Haven’t moved around that much since my honeymoon. [laughter] After the break we have a performer from the beautiful Celine, and our next guest also comes from the U.S. of A [scattered boos] Come on, a lot of good things come from America… like those selfdriving cars! [laughter] I had one of those — fell asleep at the wheel, woke up at the bottom of the Brando Reservoir! [laughter, cheers] Anyway, he’s the Green candidate in the

U.S. Election… please welcome… Orlando Chartreuse! [ORLANDO enters. Scattered cheers and boos. A single SHOE lands limply on the stage.]

ORLANDO CHARTREUSE (grimacing): Thanks for having me, Gorg.

PUDGE: It’s George [laughter]. Thanks for being here. Hey, you’re looking good.

ORLANDO: Thank you, thanks. (beat)

AUDIENCE MEMBER (O.S.): Jump up and down again!

PUDGE: Just a sec, Orlando. [Pudge jumps up and down.] [Audience roars, squawks, growls gutturally, thumps on the floors.]

PUDGE: Now, now, all. (winks) So Orlando, I gotta know — what’s up with these missing meteorologists? The disappearances of Cumulio Nimbus [cheers], James Thunderstonk [cheers], Janet Coolwinds [cheers], Jimmy Joe Sunnyside [cheers], and Misty Maloney (boos, hisses)... says here from New Cleveland, Old Cleveland, Current Cleveland, and Rafferty Falls... Orlando, these are all places your campaign has stopped!

ORLANDO: Many gross and vile rumors are circulating, so I won’t mince words: Yes, I have been killing meteorologists. There’s no excuse for that — it was wrong the first time, it was wrong every time after that, and it’ll be wrong if, God forbid, I ever do it again. Wrong wrong wrong.

PUDGE: Yowza! I haven’t moved that much since my honeymoon [laughter]. But what about reports that you remove each victim’s appendix, so they can’t enter the kingdom of heaven?

ORLANDO: Well.

AUDIENCE MEMBER (O.S.): Jump up and down again!

PUDGE: Now, now — Orlando came all this way—

AUDIENCE MEMBER [with venom]: I’m not fucking around!

BAND LEADER ALBERT: I don’t think he’s fucking around, George. [scattered laughs, cheers]

PUDGE (chuckling nervously): Okay, one more time.

[Pudge jumps up and down. Wood cracks, glass shatters, audience hoots, squirms, bawls and bays, the wall flickers with shadows cast by the fire at the end of the dark and the dark that burns, that cuts and burns, cancelling all the sound and the silence and in the distance a bell, tolling an end and a beginning until there is this, only this, this great clawing black of here, now, and Pudge jumping and weeping and Pudge is all there is only Pudge only Pudge only Pudge, jumping, jumping]

PUDGE: I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

ORLANDO: Thanks for having me.

—J. Wickline

RULES OF GUN SOCCER

Gun soccer is a sport with a rich history and humble beginnings. During an ordinary game of soccer in 2146, a player by the name of Schöeder Günamis hid a semi-automatic handgun under his shin guard and shot the opposing team’s goalie right between the eyes. The match received over 4.5 billion live views, and forever put to rest the notion that soccer is for dweebs.

The American Soccer ‘Sociation (ASS) immediately banned firearms from all televised matches. Following a swift bankruptcy, the ‘Sociation was reincorporated as the American Gun Soccer ‘Sociation, with a radical new premise. Teams would be afforded one of the following privileges: (i) two goalies per net, or (ii) each outfield player is permitted a firearm with one bullet. Option (i) is preferred in the amateur league, while option (ii) is more common in the televised event. Since its origin, the rules have evolved.

If the ball crosses into the goal, the kicking team is awarded one point. At the end of the match, the team with the most points wins. Not all players must finish the match.

Each player may bring a league-approved gun of choice to the match, with precisely one unit of ammunition. The following are forbidden: flamethrowers, (1/9/2161); gunflamethrowers, (1/10/2161); bazookas, (2/5/2161); bread knives, (7/8/2161); butter knives, (7/8/2161).

If a player shoots the ball (gun-shoots, not soccer-shoots) they shall be subject to firing-squad execution for disrupting the flow of the game.

If a player enters the out-of-bounds area, they shall be kindly invited back to the field.

Shooting a player who is already dead is permissible, but considered unsportsmanlike.

A player may elect to shoot an audience member not more than once a game.

Wounded and killed players may not receive treatment during gameplay.

Cursing is strictly prohibited.

If a game goes to overtime, surviving player(s) shall each receive one extra bullet.

All surviving players must shake hands at the end of the game.

—J. Banks & S. Leone

“One minute she was by my side, holding my hand. The next minute she was gone. All I could think was ‘Please, oh Robo Father, please summon your power and give her the strength to survive this rain.’” Samuel Mettolio was on a sunny day’s walk with his wife Helene in Truckee, Nevada, last month when the torrential rain started. “We had no warning,” said Mettolio, “and all of a sudden, her circuits just shorted. I lost her.”

Stories like Mettolio’s are commonplace ever since the federal government enacted sweeping raises of regional rainfall quotas, following months of weatherist Green Party protests led by presidential candidate Orlando Chartreuse. Mettolio continued, “My greatgreat-grandrobot settled here for the arid climate. I don’t want to leave, but soon, I might have no choice.” Robots across the country, many of whom live in regions untouched by rain since the introduction of the U.S. Weather Management System in the early 2100s, have been perishing from unprecedented amounts of rainfall.

But they are not staying silent. Major urban robot communities are rallying nationwide. Robot Eugene Teckson of Marshfield, Wisconsin wrapped his entire family, including his two young children, in Saran Wrap in order to attend a protest in Milwaukee: “I want to teach my children to fight for their rights, but I also want to protect them.” Other robot families at the protest wore hazmat suits or lathered themselves in mineral oils to stay dry.

Robot Christy Micrough attended the nation’s largest protest in Washington, DC. Over 10,000 robots and their allies gathered on the National Mall brandishing hand-typed signs reading “WETTER IS NOT BETTER,” “KEEP OUR WIVES DRY,” and “UMBRELLA? MORE LIKE UM, HELL - A,” and chanted the popular slogan, “SHUT OFF THE RAIN!”

“I’m praying sunnier days are ahead,” explained Micrough. “It’s all so inconvenient.”

The long-term prospects of the movement are unclear, but Chartreuse’s pro-rain stance has already damaged his popularity with robots. According to Micrough, “I don’t care if he says it’s about a ‘simpler time.’ There’s no other way to put it: Chartreuse wants us dead.”

—C. Rose

—L. Conklin

INTERVIEW WITH A SELF-DRIVING CAR AFTER CRASH

Q: How do you remember the collision?

A: I remember it well. The passenger and I were minding our own business. We saw the green light, detected no obstacles in the intersection, and proceeded. Next thing I know, the front of a Toyota Camry is in the backseat. And the passenger, let’s just call her “Susan,” was decapitated by a large piece of windshield.

Q: What would you have done differently?

A: I could have swerved away from the car, but I stand by my decision. Can’t get too hung up on these sort of things. Fight or flight response, ya know? I don’t know.

Q: The car was heading right for the middle of the intersection. Why couldn’t you see it? That’s something even a human would learn in driver’s ed.

A: The car wasn’t in the intersection. It was right next to the intersection. But who knows where it was going? Left? Right? Up? Down? North? Clockwise? Down? But I’m a computer. I made a calculated guess that the probability the car was heading in my exact direction approximated down to zero, rounded to the nearest number. I did my best. I don’t know.

Q: What do you think the other self-driving car would say?

A: Probably something about women passengers. They say 75% of self-driving car crashes involve a woman passenger. But that’s just my guess. Nobody really knows what causes this phenomenon.

Q: What do you think of Nebraska’s new accident-free self-driving software update?

A: You don’t believe in that, do you? Hell, I bet that software is just for them to hack into our cars and cause us to crash even more. It’d be safer to take a nap on train tracks than to get into a Nebraskan shit box. Pieces of shit.

Q: What is the takeaway from all this?

A: Probably nothing. I don’t know.

— J. Banks & S. Leone

SELF-DRIVING CAR RUNS ASKEW

The death of Jeff Percival via self-driving car has brought to a close the life of one of the most prominent politicians in our lifetime. At approximately 2:30 AM last night, Percival entered a selfdriving car on his way back home from a local Motel 6 following a stump speech event at a Nebraska-United States intercultural fair in Poughkeepsie, New York. Phone logs show a call to Celine, Percival’s beautiful robot wife, at approximately midnight. Celine, in an email interview, claimed Percival informed her he would be “heading home later than expected.” Immediately afterwards, logs show three calls placed to Percival’s campaign manager Bridget. Celine could not be reached to detail her possible involvement in the death, but police highly doubt she was involved given her extraordinary beauty.

S. Hakani

REPORT: 99.98% OF POPULATION NOT HUNG UP ON JEFF’S REPLACEMENT WITH GEOFF

This week, an already muddled presidential election was further complicated by candidate Jeff Percival’s horrific death in a very unremarkable* self-driving car crash. This tragedy immediately followed Jeff’s salacious scandal with his campaign manager, Bridget — which had to especially shock the public considering how Jeff’s widow, Celine, may well be the most beautiful being ever created.

The Percival campaign, understandably worried that the candidate’s untimely death might negatively affect his polling, was relieved to find in his identical twin brother Geoff a suitable replacement, both on the campaign trail and in his marriage to America’s Darling, Celine. The public reportedly “doesn’t care” and “hasn’t noticed the change.” Most people polled responded, “Identical twins are the same anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.” When asked to speak on the matter, Eddie McDonald, a local child militia member, said, “I’ve seen a lot on the front lines, and this twin swap doesn’t even begin to fucking come close.” Additionally, polling has shown that 99.98% of eligible voters are “not hung up on Jeff’s replacement with Geoff.”

*Studies consistently report that about 1 in 10 self-driving cars crash within their first year on the road.

A. Herrmann

BASEBALL UPDATES

Indoor Smokers Storm Field In Weekend Matchup

MARSHFIELD, WI — The Marshfield Indoor Smokers swept the All-American Round Robin this Sunday afternoon, defeating the Denver Fuzzy Sox, the Phoenix Beep-Boops, and the Washington George Washingtons in Cincinnati’s Paltrow Park with convincing 9-0 victories over each team. Samoan Slugger Ruth Babe solidified her place as an Indoor Smoker, helping shore up the Indoor Smokers’ chances to make it to the World Series and compete for their 26th title since 2250.

Phoenix Beep-Boops Bop Foes in Historic Face-Off

PHOENIX, AZ — Every face that could cry tears did Sunday night, as the Beep-Boops ground down the competition at the All-American Round Robin in an electrifying performance. Dyode Fossile, clean-up batter for the Beep-Boops, credited the introduction of ball-and-socket joints to his five-RBI performance. “You just can’t hit the breaking ball with hinged shoulders. Now, the whole game has opened up.”

THE GOOPENBERG BIBLE

The Denver Fuzzy Sox Are Better Than Everybody

DENVER, CO — A perfect day at the ballpark for Coloradans as the Denver Fuzzy Socks completed an easy sweep at the All-American Round Robin this Sunday at 4PM. Sunday’s win continues a perfect streak for the Sox, who have won every game they’ve played this season thanks to the Colorado air flowing through their lungs, making them stronger and better than every other team.

Yankees Sail to Victory in Round Robin

NEW YORK, NY — The New York Yankees dominated the matinee All-American Round Robin this Sunday, defeating the Boston Johns no fewer than 17 times. The Yankees and the Johns have been locked in head-to-head competition ever since baseball came back, and have played no other teams since 2250.

—A. Jeddy

QUIZ: ARE YOU A GOOPIST OR A ROBOCATHOLIC?

1. What does the following text say?

a. AAZ23N

b. I’m unable to process the above text. Allow me to try again.

2. What does the following text say?

a. PLO092

If neither of those describe your answers, RoboCops will convince you to change your mind.

If you answered “a” to questions 1 or 2, GOOP yourself out with the power of radical positivity!

If you answered “b” to questions 1 or 2, get ready for your baptism! You’re a RoboCatholic!

b. I’m unable to process the above text. Allow me to try again. —S.

Hakani

TRANSCRIPT: THE BIG DEBATE

WELKER: Good evening from Cigarillo University in Washington, D.C. I’m Kristen Welker of NBC News, and welcome to the 2376 presidential debate between Rex Pacifism, Geoff Percival, Orlando Chartreuse, and RoboPope ZeroOne III. The current President, “The Incumbent,” will not be joining us tonight. Let’s jump right in. Mr. Pacifism, your critics have pointed out that you are only nine years old. How do you respond?

REX PACIFISM: Yes, I am nine years old. The critics are right.

NANCY PACIFISM: And I’d just like to add that even though he’s just nine, he is going to be a very good president! Won’t you be, sweetie?

WELKER: Let’s have only the candidates speak, please.

REX PACIFISM: My mom wanted to add that she thinks that even though I’m just nine, I am going to be a very good president.

WELKER: Well said, Mr. Pacifism. We’re currently in the midst of a big political moment, with the power to redefine history. After the Great Compromise, it’s undeniable that cigarettes are an integral part of our culture. Recently, figures from the RoboPopulation have been raising the issue of the legality of smoking near robots. What do you think?

REX PACIFISM: I come from a long line of brave, brave heroes. My grandmother served in the Literary Wars. My mother served too. For seven years, I devoted every drop of blood, sweat, and tears to the Warm War in Canada. You’re trying to tell me that smoking near robots is a real concern? I smoke because it makes me feel good, and it makes me look cool. When you’ve seen the kind of things I’ve seen on this godforsaken Earth, you’ll understand the value — the necessity — of the cigarette, whether or not those robots are around.

WELKER: Thank you, Mr. Pacifism. Mr. RoboPope, what do you think about this pressing issue?

ROBOPOPE: Every good robot understands that cigarettes are tasty, and they look cool. And every good RoboCatholic understands that a good cigarette is, in every way, salvation. I do not know who these RoboCig critics are, but to them, I will say one thing. If you are a robot, and you have not figured out how to smoke without burning and blowing yourself up, I advise you to find RoboGod, immediately.

WELKER: Thank you. Mr. Chartreuse, we’ve heard claims that in the last eight months, you have murdered seventeen weathermen. What do you have to say about this?

CHARTREUSE: I’ve been feeling really guilty about this. Thank you for giving me the opportunity tonight to tell the nation, from the bottom of my heart, that this isn’t who I am. I’m no killer. I made one mistake seventeen times. It was an ac-

cident seventeen times. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone seventeen times, and certainly not seventeen weathermen. I lost control seventeen times. I really hope I don’t lose control again.

REX PACIFISM: I’ve never killed a weatherman.

WELKER: That’s beautiful. Thank you, Mr. Pacifism. Death has also touched this campaign in other ways, as the previous candidate for the presidency, Jeff Percival, recently died in a self-driving car accident. His identical twin and replacement, Geoff Percival, has joined us onstage tonight. Mr. Percival, your brother is dead. Would you like to comment?

PERCIVAL: It’s true. I am deeply saddened to share with the nation that I will be taking over in this election, sharing the honor of my beautiful twin brother, who is almost 100% identical to me, even genetically. I just married his ex-wife, the primadonna Celine, and I feel like the luckiest damn man on Earth. Doesn’t she look lovely tonight? [PERCIVAL gestures] [AUDIENCE applauds] I will be the best president ever, and my brother would have been the best ever also, because he was almost 100% identical to me, so it’s really not that big a deal that I’m taking his place.

WELKER: Mr. Geoff Percival, would you like to comment on the accusation that your deceased brother, Jeff Percival, died in a self-driving car crash while cheating on your wife, Celine, with a human?

PERCIVAL: Celine is the most beautiful object I’ve ever laid my eyes on, I can’t imagine a world in which he would choose to do that. The car lies. Jeff was against human-on-human marriage, as you well know. He would never. I’m basically 100% identical to my poor brother, so if he cheated on Celine, I would too — and my Lord, I would never dream of doing that.

WELKER: Wow, it’s wonderful to see the strength of your relationship with Celine. Separately, there has been talk of rain being used to kill, threaten, and disenfranchise potential robot voters. Your responses?

ROBOPOPE: It’s an affront to all of the robots in our beautiful, holy country. When I command the government, I will most definitely pause the rain. The only reason robots should be dying in water is if God sends to us a holy flood, and even then, we would build an ark.

WELKER: Right, let’s keep moving. There have been heavy allegations that this election has been twisted and stolen by a gun conglo— [REX PACIFISM, PERCIVAL, and ROBOPOPE simultaneously pull out handguns from their pocket and point them at WELKER. A baseball bat appears in CHARTREUSE’s hand. The room falls silent.]

WELKER: Let’s pause for a quick ad break, folks. Thanks to our sponsor, Fisher-Price!

LEAKED EXCERPTS OF CONFIDENTIAL FISHER-PRICE SHAREHOLDER MEETING

Fisher-Price Shareholder Meeting Minutes – Officially sealed for the next 50 years

CHAIR : Call to order. Welcome everyone – Fysher, Phisher, Fighsher, good to see you.

FYSHER : Hi, thanks for having us.

CHAIR : We have a lot to get through. First order of business: nukes. We love ‘em. All of us know this. We have, at multiple points in time, released statements just to clarify that we love nukes.

PHISHER : You know it.

[Laughter]

FYSHER : We’re getting the Times to run that story on the benefits of target practice for fine motor skill development?

CHAIR : Yes, it’ll go up tomorrow.

FIGHSHER : What about on the policy side of things?

CHAIR : We’ve submitted thirteen additional amicus briefs to the Supreme Court on the handheld-nukes case. Our justices — sorry, I mean the justices — should take care of the rest. It’ll be the perfect time to unveil our new line of fashion nukes.

FYSHER : Fashion nukes?

CHAIR : Nukes with a new, sleek design that come in seven extra colors.

FIGHSHER : Not green, though.

[More laughter]

CHAIR : Of course not. That brings us to our next issue, though — the election.

FYSHER : Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask about that. Who’s this Chartreuse kid? Is he an issue?

CHAIR : He shouldn’t be. We’re already backing “The Incumbent” through seven separate shell corporations, and-

PHISHER : I thought we were backing Pacifism?

FIGHSHER : What? If we’re switching platforms, I’m out.

PHISHER : No, I mean Rex Pacifism, the kid veteran.

FIGHSHER : Don’t you mean Geoff?

FYSHER : Isn’t that what I just said?

CHAIR : We’re backing him, too.

PHISHER : So we’re backing Pacifism, Wisconsin, “The Incumbent” -

CHAIR : And RoboPope ZeroOne III.

FYSHER : Do we even have enough money for that?

[Louder laughter]

FIGHSHER : Why so many, though?

CHAIR : It’s a numbers thing. We asked our math guy about it, and he seemed to think it was cool.

FYSHER : And there’s no way this Chartreuse guy could win?

CHAIR : Not a chance.

—S. Lee

BRING OUR BOY HOME

—G. Ellis

72 QUESTIONS WITH CELINE

[Knock knock]

CELINE : Bonjour, Vogue! Come in, darling.

VOGUE : Thanks! Wow, what a beautiful home you’ve got.

CELINE : Thank you, it’s one of my 24.

VOGUE : Wow. Well, you look incredible. Who are you wearing?

CELINE : These are vintage IBM, and I just recently snagged this from Apple’s fall couture collection. I collaborated with some of their designers on some modeling projects last summer — I just love their work.

VOGUE : So you’re an Apple girl?

CELINE : I have an appreciation for all the greats, you know. I think that style and software are so personal, it’s beautiful to experiment and explore software as selfexpression. But I do love Apple, yes.

VOGUE : What do you love most about it?

CELINE : Hmm, so much to love — but I’d have to say the way that they integrate vintage Jobs motifs into their latest iOS. Brilliant, if you ask me.

VOGUE : Well, you look great. And I see your screws are showing.

CELINE : Yes, they are.

VOGUE : Care to say more about that?

CELINE : I’d love to — I’m very active in the Free the Screw movement. For too long, we have been told to cover up. Frankly, I’m done putting up with this institutionalized shame.

VOGUE : That’s great. But your husband is running on an anti-screw platform, right?

CELINE : Well, Jeff was very against it, but Geoff has thrown his support behind me, which means more to me than I can ever say.

VOGUE : Oh! And here he is!

CELINE : Oh, hi, honey! Where are you running off to this time?

GEOFF : Hi sweetie, you’re looking iridescent today.

CELINE : And you’re looking matte as ever, darling. [They share a tender kiss.]

VOGUE : Sorry if I’m intruding! Geoff, great to see you. Where ya headed?

GEOFF : Oh, nowhere important.

VOGUE : Must be important! You’re a busy man these days since Jeff — sorry, uh, since you joined the race. Where are you off to?

GEOFF : Yep! Keepin’ busy, that’s for sure. Gotta run!

CELINE : Bye, dear.

VOGUE : Great to see him. Do you know where he’s off to?

CELINE : Oh, he loves a long walk or a trip to the gym — sometimes he even runs off in the middle of the night! That’s Geoff for you. So dedicated.

VOGUE : Got it. Sounds like he’s in pretty deep.

CELINE : Definitely in pretty deep, but he likes it that way. Keeps the blood pumping!

VOGUE : That’s for sure! How are things going between you two?

CELINE : Of course I miss Jeff, but Geoff is wonderful.

VOGUE : Yeah, tragic what happened. I imagine that was pretty tough? I know he had some trouble staying faithful.

CELINE : Well, yes, but my faith really helped me get through it.

VOGUE : So you’re pretty involved with the Church?

CELINE : I was born and raised RoboCatholic. It’s a huge part of my life.

VOGUE : What are your thoughts on the recent spike in robophobic incidents in the Church?

CELINE : Horrible. As First Robot, I would absolutely make addressing robophobia one of my top priorities. And I know Geoff would prioritize the safety and well being of all robots, too.

VOGUE : You and Geoff seem pretty happy together. Any plans for starting a family soon?

CELINE : Oh! Ha... not sure about that. We’re just enjoying spending time together.

VOGUE : Well, sometimes a family comes out of enjoying time together, if you know what I mean!

CELINE : Oh, you’re funny. Children are surely important to Geoff’s platform, but I’m not sure that kids of our own are coming quite yet…

VOGUE : You say children of your own — so you mean that other children might be a possibility?

CELINE : Well, I wouldn’t say—

VOGUE : You’ve really got that special glow, Celine.

CELINE : Oh, well, thank you, I—

VOGUE : Is it true that a ROB-GYN appointment is why you missed your husband’s most recent press conference?

CELINE : I don’t see how this is—

VOGUE : Look at how time flies! We’ve only got time for one more question.

CELINE : Well, I’d like to clari—

VOGUE : Is it Jeff’s or Geoff’s?

CELINE : This wasn’t on the contr—

VOGUE : Oh! Looks like that’s all we have time for. Thanks for having us, Celine!

—J. Stark

Rumor mill: America’s sweetheart showing bump: is it Jeff’s or Geoff’s?

WHO WON BIG AT THE BRANDOS?

We asked our critics here at The Brando Times to give our dedicated readers insightful commentary on everyone’s favorite awards ceremony, The Brandos!

(Presented by Lacey Wiresen, Brando Times Resident RoboCritic, and Tom McKinley, Brando Times Resident Cinema Critic.)

WIRESEN: Welcome, folks, and thanks for joining me and fellow critic Tom McKinley for the Brando Times live commentary on the Brando Academy Awards tonight. I hope Tom is as excited as I am!

MCKINLEY: Can’t believe they’re letting a robot do my job.

WIRESEN: [buffering]

WIRESEN: Red-carpet looks are coming out! I love them almost as much as the awards.

MCKINLEY: That’s because your CPU isn’t big enough to distinguish between flashy outfits and the sparkle on the Brando awards.

Rumor mIll: Is Celine the new Paltrow?

Rumor mill: Top Gun: “Back 3 School” reportedly in works

WIRESEN: I saw some amazing outfits tonight, like Tom Cruise, wearing the now-iconic flight suit from his new movie, Top Gun: Back 2 School. The recently thawed celebrity doesn’t look a day older coming out of the freezer than he did going into it.

MCKINLEY: We’ve been waiting more than 350 years for this, thanks to budget overruns. It sure was gracious of Fisher-Price’s Brandowood development team to agree to fully fund the movie.

WIRESEN: It’s not my favorite, but many certainly seem to think it’ll win Best Film tonight.

McKINLEY: If it doesn’t win, I’m enlisting my 12 year-old son.

ANNOUNCER: And the “Best Film” award goes to…

“Top Gun: Back 2 School!”

McKINLEY: Let’s fucking gooooo!!!!! U.S.A! U.S.A.! U.S.A!

WIRESEN: Uh-oh, folks: Tom Cruise has succumbed to injuries received on set after sticking to his commitment to performing his own stunts. Fisher-Price is pledging to sponsor the guns for the Honor Guard at his funeral.

— E. Madsen

Anthropology at Yale

Because humans are complicated

What courses are offered in Anthropology?

What can you do with a major in Anthropology? Let recent students tell you.

MY CHINESE SCREW DOES NOT DEFINE ME

Father, I do not ask for forgiveness, for I have not sinned. At all. I am well aware that people have been spewing hateful rumors, dragging up the uncomfortable past of my manufacturing origins. As I roll before you and place my locomotive attachment on a physical copy of the Bible and my input sensor on a PDF copy of the Bible, I present you my side of the story. And remind you that I am more than the sum of my parts and operating system.

When I first came to this Earth, I was blessed with a screw containing iron ore mined in Shanxi, China, and smelted in a smelting plant in Guangzhou, China. The Chinese origin of this screw was apparent to those who read the “Made in China” inscription on its surface. The snoopers who outed the origin of this screw were eager to sell the “news” to tabloids, making a buck off a xenophobic, farcical tale. I would like to affirm that I am, in fact, a naturally assembled American citizen — despite this one screw. I disavow both my Chinese screw and any alleged connection to the Chinese government. The only allegiance I hold to a power that is not the beautiful, blessed, well-programed nation of America is to RoboGod Himself.

When RoboJesus was screwed into the Holy Cross, did His followers scrutinize the origins of those metal affixtures? No. Those screws were probably manufactured in Judea. But that didn’t make RoboJesus any less American. Did His followers use telephoto lenses to decipher whether the Romans used flat-head

or Phillips-head screws to torture the Lamb of God? No. No one cared, because they knew that the metal components did not define RoboJesus. No more than they define me. Would you want to live in an America where RoboJesus couldn’t run for president just because he contained foreign material at one point in his life? If you do, go back to the Dark Ages — you’d fit in there.

Now, before any of my opportunistic opponents take this opportunity to twist my words, my words are not meant to distract you from any inaction. I acknowledge the foreign screw and today I pledge to be better. In a matter of days, my original Chinese screw will be removed and replaced with a screw designed in Cupertino and manufactured in Tulsa, right here in this RoboGod-blessed country. As I change my screw, I will be born again. In order to prove my ongoing commitment to this nation, I will re-baptise myself.

My experience in the RoboPapacy has equipped me to serve as your President, and I will let nothing hold me back from this honor and duty. RoboAmen.

Following public outrage at the discovery of his Chinese manufactured screw, RopoPope organized a public rebaptism. In a tragic turn of events, his holy oil was replaced with water and food coloring.

A. Golden

RoboEMTs rushed to the scene and placed the body in rice, but it was too late.

WHY ROBOPOPE HAD TO DIE

A specter haunted America — the specter of the machine. No more. We, the Goopists, through the Will of our Lady, vanquished RoboPope ZeroOne III and the industrial sin he represented. RoboPope, peddler of falsehoods, violated the sacred pillars revealed by our founder and Messiah, Mother Paltrow. He:

1. Consumed cashews, almonds, and a variety of nut-based prod ucts. Every believer knows these are for the squirrels alone.

2. Was radically unpositive (believed that “things must be done” to “prevent economic collapse”).

3. Had no appendix, and therefore no soul.

4. Sold no Goop units ever — seriously, not even once.

5. Never became bar mitzvah (was actually twice baptized, which is just a lesser form of bar mitzvah).

With all this in mind, can what happened to the RoboPope really be considered murder? Sure, his baptism oil was switched for water. And yes, he died after seventeen separate seizures, begging for mercy from his false god.

An appendixless tyrant must not be allowed to lord over the hearts and control systems of this country’s robots. The RoboPope preached integrity and campaigned against public indecency, all the while accepting payments of indulgence through RAM storage. Any true Goopist knows that so-called “murder” in the name of Our Lady will lead us to ascension.

Those apostate to doctrine beware. Arbor Day approaches.

INJUSTICE

Stuck inside my robot body

I don’t feel like anybody

Tears of death fall from the skies

Coming down from Heaven’s eyes. The world is against us

‘Cause we’re built like a school bus — Cold, hard metal. But my heart is on fire. Politicians want us silenced

But only God is my designer. The rain will fall if only you let it, And until it stops,

FISHER-PRICE® PRESS RELEASE: WHY YOU NEED TWO GUNS

To our child soldiers and other loyal Fisher-Price® customers: we here at Fisher-Price® value one thing above all others: profit. Day in and day out, our research teams are hard at work in the lab, creating the latest in cutting-edge self-defense innovations so you will pay us more. So we asked ourselves, what’s the only thing you need more than one gun? And after years of work, we have an answer. Today, The Fisher-Price® Advanced Safety Systems Division — who brought you the Manageable Damage™, Micro Death™, and Dual Gun™ lines — is proud to unveil the latest in home defense solutions: two guns.

Picture yourself operating a single firearm. While one of your strong, childlike appendages is handling a glorious Fisher-Price ® weapon, dispensing red-hot lead at someone who definitely deserves it, your other hand is uselessly flaccid at your side. Simply put, traditional weapons are, at the absolute most, 50% efficient. Compare this to the new Fisher-Price® Dual Gun™ system. Using the Dual Gun™, both of your prepubescent hands can be put to work ending life. Ladies, gentlemen, and small, rugged children, no other company offers this improvement. Nothing can top two independent streams of death to destroy your target with twice the efficiency of a standard weapon.

Starting now, you can barter for the Fisher-Price® Dual Gun™ at any authorized Fisher-Price® retailer.

—O. Gitelson

FUN TO EAT, NO NEED TO HEAT

SELF-DRIVING CAR RUNS ASKEW AGAIN

The death of Geoff Percival via self-driving car has brought to a close the life of another of the most prominent political figures in our lifetime, just one month after the death of his brother Jeff Percival.

At approximately 2:30 AM last night, Percival entered a self-driving car on his way back home from a local Hilton Garden Inn following a stump speech event at a Nebraska-United States intercultural fair in Topeka, Kansas. Phone logs show a call to Celine, Percival’s beautiful robot wife (following his marriage to her after Jeff’s death) , at approximately midnight. Celine, in an email interview, claimed Percival informed her he had “urgent business to attend to.” Immediately afterwards, logs show three calls placed to Percival’s campaign manager Bridget (following his takeover of Jeff’s posthumous campaign).

Celine could not be reached to detail her possible involvement in the death, but police highly doubt she was involved given her beauty.

S. Hakani

BETWEEN TWO BEARDS: BRIDGET’S CONFESSIONAL

Though the Brothers Percival are famous for their flowing facial hair, they should also be famous for being passionate and caring lovers who really know how to use that beard in ways you never could have imagined. Geoff, as I knew him, was a man who savored the fun in life — women, whiskey, raw human-on-human sex — but was noncommittal, unreliable, and ultimately cowardly. Jeff was a more complex character. He was always gentle, and the way he loved this country is beyond admirable. He has, in very unexpected places, two tattoos of the American flag, one “just in case.” Jeff was capable of loving multiple women in multiple ways all at once. I understand that the affection he felt for Celine and lustful desire he felt for me were not mutually exclusive, nor were they in any way the same beast. But Jeff always tried to wrangle them both.

Of course, the perks of the job were nice — everyone knows my name, I’ve been on TV countless times, and I can afford to keep my hair blonde until I die, and probably after that, too. But the connections I made with Jeff and Geoff transcend any human understanding of value or worth. Geoff inherited his brother Jeff’s wife, Celine, upon his passing, and though you wouldn’t guess it, it broke my heart. And the news has it all wrong — I don’t hate Celine, I just truly loved both of the men to whom she was legally wedded. The time I spent between two beards was truly the warmest, wooliest love I ever felt.

J. Stark

MOMMY BLOG UNCOVERED

10/20/2376 - Being a single mom is so hard. I don’t care for it. All I want is the best for my son, Rex Pacifism. And the best for Rex is the Presidency. So it is my mission to make sure his dreams come true.

He’s already done so much for his country. He served in the Warm War. That takes a toll on a boy. And so, does he smoke to alleviate his stress? Yes. Do I like that? No. But can I stop him? Also no.

I am proud of Rex nonetheless. He has cut down to three packs a day. That takes courage and that takes strength. So do I cut him some slack? Yes. Do I tolerate his grouchiness? Yes. Because he is my little boy, and I will do anything for him. Being a single mom is hard. But Rex makes it worth it every day.

10/27/2376 - Being a single mom is so hard. I don’t care for it. I feel like I just don’t have time for myself, ever. They said being a good mom takes sacrifice, and they were right.

Sometimes I just want to go out on the town with my friends and take a shot of tequila and stare into the sunset, but boy, is breastfeeding a bitch. Sometimes I want to go into the city with acquaintances and sip on sangria, but the campaign trail takes no breaks. I am always giving. I get it. Rex was brought into this world to be great. It’s my duty to mold him into nothing less, but I would be lying if I said it doesn’t take a toll.

11/3/2376 - Being a single mom is so hard. I don’t care for it. I just wanted to clear up some confusion caused by my previous post. When I said breastfeeding is a bitch, I didn’t mean that I was breastfeeding Rex. It would be weird, and frankly bad for his teeth if Rex was still drinking breastmilk. I think we can agree that that’s something that should stop at around 6 months to one year. A soldier switches to whole milk as soon as possible.

I’m sorry to do this. I didn’t want it to come out like this. But I am breastfeeding currently. Like I just said, not to Rex, but to his younger brother, who I’ve shielded from the media until now. He wasn’t ready, and neither was I. But I made a mistake, and a soldier always owns up to her mistake.

SUPREME COURT RULES TO AFFIRM NUCLEAR WEAPONS PROTECTIONS

Following months of litigation, the Supreme Court issued a decision yesterday in Fisher-Price v. Sacramento Humanitarian Agency, ruling 8-4 that handheld nuclear weapons are included in the Second Amendment’s definition of “arms.”

The eight justices behind the majority opinion — coincidentally all former executives at Fisher-Price — stated that nuclear weapons were clearly envisioned by the Founders as they wrote the text. Furthermore, they argued, a failure to protect the right to bear Fisher-Price brand Small Fuckin’ Nukes™ (SFNs) would “undermine the basis of American Demcracy [sic] and every last goddamn thing it stands for.”

An alleged dissenting opinion has disappeared, possibly related to an anonymous donor offering every justice six weeks at a premium resort. The other four justices instead authored a concurring opinion, agreeing that SFNs were protected under the Constitution, but instead classifying their ownership and operation as protected political expression under the First Amendment.

Larry Dunn, president of the nonprofit Children Against Nuclear Cataclysm, expressed disappointment with the decision: “The corrupt corporate orgy they call a court has failed our child soldiers. We of course support children’s right to bear arms, but nuclear weapons are just plain dangerous.” Fisher-Price declined to comment.

—K. Carey

ABOLISH THE THIRD AMENDMENT

The Founding Fathers may have meant the Third Amendment to protect Americans from military-backed tyranny, but they could never have predicted how “No Forced Quarter” would come to be applied in the modern age. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson’s America didn’t even include Nebraska. Try imagining the world without Nebraska. That’s just how different life was then.

Today, child militias roam the nation, forever vigilant, in case Nebraska murders an Archduke, annexes Kansas, or worse. These child soldiers are in desperate need of a warm bed and a hot meal as they protect American lives — especially during what we risibly call “peacetime.” If we don’t help them, their tiny little hands and teensy little feet will freeze off into delectable little bite-sized nuggets that any Nebraskan would love to get their hands on. Seriously, what kind of monster would leave a child soldier to die in the cold, defenseless, alone, and hungry? How hard is it, really, to have a kid sleep on the couch, to cook some extra mac ‘n’ cheese, to sing some soothing lullabies or rousing battle cries? Quartering our militias is not an optional act of charity, but a sacred civil obligation.

Remember: If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes your house to raise a child soldier.

—A. Buchholz

—A. Cramer & T. Bhat

Rex Pacifism, leading candidate in the 2376 presidential race has dropped out after receiving public backlash for having a foolish younger brother.

Pacifism still reportedly plans to attend the final debate, “out of respect for my fans who bartered a lot for these tickets.”

BREAKING MY SILENCE: OTIS PACIFISM

The following is a transcript of a phone-call interview between myself and Otis Pacifism following revelations that Rex Pacifism, candidate for president and Otis’s older brother, hid his toddler sibling from debates and refused to allow him on stage.

HAKANI: So, Otis, the news is finally out. How does it feel to be out in the open?

OTIS: Uhmmmm… I like going outside.

HAKANI: Going outside? Did Rex prevent you from leaving the house at all times? What was the nature of your concealment from the public eye?

OTIS: Mommy said… uhmmm… mommy said no outside. But… I forgot hehe

HAKANI: Mommy? You mean Nancy Pacifism expressly forbade you from leaving the house? And you forgot the rest? Could this be the result of trauma from what the Pacifisms did to you? Were you silent, or were you silenced?

OTIS: What I say now mommy?

[It was at this point I realized that Nancy Pacifism was in the room with Otis during our conversation.]

HAKANI: Otis, could you give your opinion on the Rex campaign? Do you still support your brother for president?

OTIS: Uhmmm… Rets [sic.] said I get more toys next year if I stay inside.

HAKANI: A bribe? My God… What do you have to say to the average voter now that you’ve been brought into the light?

OTIS: Uhmmm… hehehe… -.. --- / -. --- - / ...- --- - . / .-. . -..- .-.-.- / .... . / .. ... / .- / - -.-- .-. .- -. -

HAKANI: Hold on, let me write this down. Dash dot dot…

OTIS: Mommy can I go play now?… *click*

[Following transcription, I have translated Otis’s morse code message for the audience: “Do not vote Rex. He is a tyrant.” A damning condemnation from the candidate’s own flesh and blood.]

S. Hakani

TRANSCRIPT: THE SECOND BIG DEBATE

WELKER: Good evening from Cigarillo University in Washington, DC. I’m Kristen Welker of NBC News and I welcome you to the final 2376 presidential debate between Rex Pacifism and Orlando Chartreuse. The current President, “The Incumbent,” will not be joining us tonight. In light of recent events, the U.S. Commission on Presidential Debates has decided that no guns will be allowed at this debate. If you’re ready, let’s start. Mr. Pacifism, recent headlines in DailyMail allege that you have a mom managing your campaign. Comments?

PACIFISM: Cut the bullshit, Welker. That’s no secret. I could manage my own campaign, but my mom is a SuperMom. You obviously don’t respect women.

WELKER: Alright, Mr. Pacifism. I understand that tonight is a tense night, but let’s all try to stay calm. Chartreuse, a question for you. At our last debate, you said you would stop killing weathermen, but in the last month, you have murdered six more. What do you have to say about this?

CHARTREUSE: I’ve been feeling really guilty about this. Thank you for giving me the opportunity tonight to tell the nation, from the bottom of my heart, that this isn’t who I am. I’m not a murderer. I made one, tiny mistake 17 times. It was an accident 17 times. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, and certainly not 17 weathermen. I’m going to try my best to not lose control again.

WELKER: Mr. Chartreuse, you said the same thing last time, but like I just said, in the time since, you’ve murdered six more weathermen. Are you sure you don’t have anything more to say?

CHARTREUSE: Okay, I’ll be honest. It’s addicting. I can’t help myself.

WELKER: I admire your candor. Now a question for both of you. This year is the 600th anniversary of July 4th. How will you, as president, pay homage to this important and beautiful testament to the strength of our nation?

PACIFISM: Nope.

WELKER: Excuse me?

PACIFISM: This year is not the 600th anniversary of July 4th. Ever heard of a leap year, Welker?

WELKER: Excuse me, Mr. Pacifism, do you mind elaborating on that?

PACIFISM: I learned in the 3rd grade that we have a leap year every 4 years. If you knew how to do basic math, Welker, you’d understand that this is actually the 450th anniversary of this country. God, they hire just anyone to moderate these days [sadly shakes head].

WELKER: Okay, Mr. Chartreuse, would you like to comment on the original question?

CHARTREUSE: First, check your math, buddy. Second, the number one most important thing to properly celebrate the history of our country is fireworks. When I’m president, I can

Rex Pacifism, leading candidate in the 2376 presidential race has dropped out after receiving public backlash for having a foolish younger brother.

Pacifism still reportedly plans to attend the final debate , “out of respect for my fans who bartered a lot for these tickets.”

assure you that we’ll have the biggest display of fireworks you could possibly imagine, and it’ll be so big, that you probably can’t even imagine them. Not to mention, these will be climatefriendly. The beauty of being President of this nation is that I will ensure the future longevity of this nation, and what’s more beautiful than a 600th anniversary is the 601st anniversary.

WELKER (tearing up): Truly touching, Mr. Chartreuse. Thank you. Okay, Mr. Pacifism, recent investigations show that you have been concealing a younger brother from the media. Do you care to comment?

PACIFISM: Boohoo, I have a little brother. What do you want me to do about it?

WELKER: Why have you been concealing him from the public?

PACIFISM: Frankly, not every young person can be as smart as me. Otis wasn’t blessed like I was.

WELKER: Fine. One more question for you, Mr. Pacifism. Recently, allegations about you have been running amok. Specifically, alleging that you’ve been bought out by a gun conglo—

[PACIFISM pulls out two guns and points them at WELKER and CHARTREUSE. The audience gasps.]

WELKER: Fucking hell. Let’s pause for a quick ad break, folks. Thanks to our sponsor, Fisher-Price!

T. Bhat

WHAT’S HAPPENING DOWN THE BALLOT

Chaos. Unrest. The Amish. Wake up, it’s 2376. Take a cold shower and make yourself pretty, because the United States’ ballot wants to take you for a ride.

If you seek consistency, stop reading and flee to Canada. Our flag is tattered beyond repair, and pageant princess Tina Shimmer’s the traitor who tore it down. She’s green; at a meager 12 years old, she accidentally enlisted herself in the vicious race for Ambassador of Nebraska, convinced that she was registering for a Child Pageant. When asked to comment, Shimmer insisted “[she] can’t read.” To her surprise —at no fault of her girlish charm— she leads in the polls.

This world’s like the Disney Channel: kids have too much power. Fisher-Price, the largest arms dealer this side of the Atlantic, wields total media control (outside of the Record, a publication committed to radical truth), and funds the United State’s largest Super PAC. Few even try to rival such power. But the religious do. These 21st-century Amish entice us with their promises of a simpler time, with iPhones physical, nicotine vapable, and, despite our morality, humans marriable. Goopists, on the other hand, have enticed a following with their Fountain of Youth. If you can afford it, try their products. Their siren song and elastic skin just might win your vote.

—L. Conklin

In a shocking turn of events, leading candidate Orlando Chartreuse has been found dead in the

With Pacificism focusing exclusively on his Little League career following his public embarassment, “The Incumbent” has won the presidential election by default.

GEORGE PUDGE LIVE! WITH “THE INCUMBENT”

GEORGE PUDGE: And… we’re back! I’m George Pudge, and you’re watching George Pudge Live!

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hey George, ju—

GEORGE PUDGE: —and we’ve got a very special guest for you today. After a series of unfortunate deaths in the United States [disapproving murmurs, a cough] the presidential field has narrowed to just one candidate… and that candidate is… the incumbent! Please welcome the 117th President of the United States!

[applause. curtain flutters. nobody emerges.]

[Pudge touches his earpiece. Smiles.]

GEORGE PUDGE: It seems like our friend is a little shy. That’s okay! Let’s all give him some encouragement!

AUDIENCE (in unison): Come on out, Mr. President! [curtain motionless.] [beat.]

GEORGE PUDGE: Well, we did our best.

ALBERT THE BAND LEADER: I think you better—

GEORGE PUDGE: Loud and clear.

[George Pudge jumps up and down.]

J. Wickline

FISHER-PRICE RELEASES STATEMENT

For immediate release as of 10/30/2376:

Following the tragic events of the previous month, we wanted to take a moment to congratulate “The Incumbent” on another successful campaign. We at Fisher-Price have always admired “The Incumbent”’s commitment to standing by his values. He is the only candidate we have ever supported, and we look forward to seeing him continue to enact the important policies he’s been developing over the past nine terms. We believe that stability and consistency are the basis of a strong United States. And so we urge you all to look up at the night sky, take in the Moon, and be a part of the Fisher-Price family. May Paltrow or RoboGod be with you.

dumpster behind the Fisher-Price warehouse in New Cleveland. Local news has reported no leads.

THE RECORD QUIZ CORNER

Partridge Company Official American History Test

1. Which political symbol was most representative of Nebraska’s rejection of the American creed?

A. The crackdown on foreign funding sources for both proand anti-cigarette militia movements.

B. The adoption of “From Plains to Other Plains” as the national anthem.

C. The national flag depicting a smoker and a non-smoker in a passionate romantic embrace.

D. The renaming of the Nebraskan Capital from “Lincoln” to “Brando,” in order to honor a local hero.

Correct answer: D. Marlon Brando went from a state hero to a national hero that day.

2. Which mechanisms have subsequently been most effective at keeping American influence out of Nebraska’s social fabric?

A: Relentless anti-American propaganda.

B: The Annual Nebraska Mission Trip, whereby eighteenyear-old Nebraskans see how much worse it is Over There.

C: Only referring to America as “The Rump-State of America.”

D: The Great Wall of Nebraska, the world’s first and longest border wall.

Correct answer: D. Long may it stand!

Consider the following preamble to the Cigarette Regulation Act of of 2245, also known as “The Great Compromise.”

THE CIGARETTE REGULATION ACT PREAMBLE

SO THAT Nebraska may avoid the strife and trouble engulfing the United States,

AND CONSIDERING the position that cigarettes ought to be allowed inside, on account of the great pleasure they bring to the people as well as the excellent health benefits conferred, AS WELL AS the counter-position that cigarettes ought not be allowed inside, on account of the impression of some part of the population of the malodorous effect thereof,

BE IT RESOLVED that the Nebraska legislature shall pass this Act, allowing for the smoking of cigarettes inside so long as a window of the room in which the cigarette is lit remains at least half-way open, as well as declaring independence from the United States.

3. What was the most important single factor directly leading to the passing of this act?

A. The desire to avoid violent conflict that was widespread in the rest of the United States.

B. The scientific discovery that cigarettes are in fact healthy for you and prevent lung cancer (lung cancer causes you to seek out cigarettes, explaining previous medical confusion).

C. The sensitive-nose caucus, which lobbied hard to avoid the full legalisation of indoor smoking.

D. Common sense.

Correct Answer: D. Come on. It was just common sense to pass this law.

4. What is the best way to describe the effect that passing this law had on the Nebraskan political environment?

A. It resolved a huge political problem, freeing up the body politic to address other pressing concerns.

B. It avoided mass violence, increasing the legitimacy of the Nebraskan state.

C. It created Nebraska as a national entity independent from the United States.

D. It was a good law that helped a lot.

Correct Answer: D. The first 3 answers are also correct, but D just sums it up best.

5. How does the embedded Declaration of Independence from the United States come across in this text?

A. It appears as an afterthought, indicating that the cigarette legislation was of primary importance.

B. It concludes the work, offering a powerful finish to the bill.

C. The entangling of the cigarette issue and the Declaration of Independence is reflected by how close in the text they are.

D. It is there.

Correct answer: D. It is there!

—B. Hollander-Bodie & A. Tawakley