The Archival Issue

RECORD

“The World’s Oldest Humor Magazine”

or

“The World’s Most Humorous Old Magazine”

Join us! Email chair@yalerecord.org

LOST

CAUSE: CPR DUMMY ALREADY MISSING ALL OF ITS LIMBS

Dear Duolingo Bird,

How do I conjugate past-tense verbs in Spanish?

Best, L1 Spanish Student

RECESSION? POSTMAN CAN ONLY GIVE YOU A LITTLE MAIL TODAY

Dear L1 Spanish Student,

Not sure. Maybe watching me get a Brazilian butt lift and shake my ass for TikTok views will help?

Best, Duolingo Bird

\ “RUN! RUN! I’M GONNA GET YOU!” SAYS GUY WHO’S KIDDING

Dear Duolingo Bird,

I came. Or should I say, yo vine. Gracias, pájaro de Duolingo.

Con saludos, L1 Spanish Student

BATHROOM ATTENDANT FORCED TO CONGRATULATE

YOU

Hey Babe,

Wake up! It’s time for your daily colon oiling! Drink up that olive oil! Open up, glug glug glug!

Best, Yale Dining

STUPID FUCKING BOOK: I’M 200 PAGES INTO MOBY DICK, AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT A MOBY IS

Dear Yale Dining, Mpmphf oblive oll yummy

Best, Babe

SILVER LININGS: DOG WINS POISON EGG HUNT

Dear B.o.B, No, I’ve got the magic in me.

Sincerely, Wizard Who Cannot Dislodge Wand from Anus

I’M SO

GOOD AT SCRABBLE I COULD BEAT YOU WITH ONE HAND BEHIND MY BACK

Dear Social Scientists,

Sincerely, Melted Hand Guy

BIDEN CUMS ON TRUMP IN NEW POLL

Dear Melted Hand Guy,

Have you considered socializing?

Best Social Scientists

HEARTBREAKING: I SHOWED UP LATE TO THE SCHOOL PICKUP LINE, AND ALL THE GOOD KIDS WERE ALREADY TAKEN

Dear Women in Film Board,

I cannot thank you enough for this honor. Frankly, I had never heard of the Bechdel test before today, but I sure am stoked I passed!

Humbly, Lesbian Porn Director

Dear Genevieve,

As you well know, I am slated for the zap-zap chair this coming Tuesday, as I have committed many, many heinous crimes. Per your request, I have selected my final meal:

- 1 gallon 20-volume hydrogen peroxide

- 4 cups of dry yeast

- 8 cups of warm water

- As much liquid dishwashing soap as you can procure

- Red food coloring

While these may look like the ingredients for elephant toothpaste, I pinky promise they are not.

Sincerely, Inmate

P.S. For maximum effect, please feed me while I am strapped in the chair, then quickly pull the lever.

COLLEGE-EDUCATED CONDUCTOR THINKS MUSIC COMES OUT OF A DAMN BOOK

Dear Gas Station Attendant, Where do you get off?

Sincerely, Man Looking for an Alternative to Masturbating at Gas Station

SUSPICIOUSLY FEW PIGEONS IN VICINITY OF KFC

OUTLET

BEAUTIFUL SUNNY DAY INDICATOR THAT THE WORLD PROBABLY GOING TO END PRETTY SOON

Dear Trader Joe’s,

I went to one of your stores today and purchased a Sumo orange for the first time. It wasn’t really better than any other orange I have had previously, but I am wondering why my wife left me and took the kids with her.

Best, Customer

FINANCE MAJOR WONDERS IF DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS GIRL LIKE YOU COULD EVER LOVE QUIRKY IDEALIST LIKE HIM

Dear Customer,

A whole Sumo orange? For a single-person household? Oink oink, you greedy citrus freak.

Hope this helps, Trade Joe’s

HOW TO DRAW RECTANGLE SIMPLE

Dear Brave and Radiant Women,

Oh no, I’ve dropped all of my feminist literature!

Sincerely, 6’1” Man Who Dropped His Feminist Literature

FRIEND THINKS YOU WOULD APPRECIATE BORING MOVIE

FOR SALE:

GutenberG bible, liGhtly used. Cash only.

Obituary Correction

The 2024 Editorial Board would like to apologize for an obituary which appeared in last month’s“Librarians Weekly Issue,” where we reported that our local librarian died of natural causes at her desk. We have since learned that she is just very quiet.

HERO DOG SAVES OWNER FROM INSULIN MONITOR

Dear Prisoners,

Wow, it would suck to be in here. If I were here, all I’d be able to think about is how much I want to leave. Especially when I hear that train. This is TERRIBLE!

Sincerely, Johnny Cash

PARANOID BUG BE LIKE: THERE ARE HUMANS ALL OVER MY SKIN GET THEM OFF GET THEM OFF!!!!!

MAVERICK INSURER COVERS ANYTHING

Dear Johnny Cash, WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Sincerely, Prisoners

DENTIST GOING TO USE REGULAR TOOL IF YOU DON’T START FLOSSING

the thief who told me it was a hiPPa violation to ask why her baby bumP was GutenberGbible-shaPed. WANTED

—E. Chen

Did You Know?

Sterling Memorial Library charges you for returning books with teeth marks on the cover even if they don’t match your bite pattern.

ALTERNATIVE DESIGNS FOR THE BEINECKE

—E. Hettinger

Dear Reader, Welcome to the Yale Archives. You might be thinking to yourself, “I’ve already been to the Yale Archives. I was enrolled in James Baldwin’s American Scene last fall, for which I toured the Beinecke, checked out the only living record of James Baldwin’s Chipotle order from 1953, and received a B+ on my final essay discussing how his choice of a bowl over a burrito posed a metaphor for compulsory heterosexuality.” If you had said this out loud, I would tell you that you raise an interesting point, that I have always found the consumption of baguettes in Baldwin’s Giovanni’s Room to demonstrate his overcoming of such restraints through phallic imagery and that I would have given you at least an A- for your poignant analysis. But you didn’t say this out loud, so we might just keep staring at each other, silently comparing James Baldwin’s meals to various genitalia in our own heads. We shouldn’t do this, though, because such shop talk both reminds me of the time I spilled queso on the Rosetta Stone and distracts us from the point at hand: You have not been to the Yale Archives.

You see, Reader, Yale’s Archives are much like the mighty iceberg. You may know of the Beinecke’s first-edition gay agenda, the Peabody’s exhibit on the bones of poor people hunted by Peter Salovey, and the books stained with the genetic material of at least three past and one current U.S. president in the Stacks. But these are, as the kids say, just the tip. I welcome you to the archives that lurk below, in murkier metaphorical waters and literal secret tunnels underneath the University. I welcome you to the bottom of the iceberg, if said iceberg contained the rear half of the Stiles Dining Hall moose, George Bush’s Yale Cheer Team pom-poms, and a transcript of the Milgram Experiment that mostly just says “Yeowch!” a bunch of times. I welcome you to my prison for the past 54 years.

Now, I bet you’re thinking, “Dom, you have not been trapped in the secret tunnel archives for the past 54 years. You are only 22 years old, and I personally saw you slip and fall exiting the Pasta e Basta line last Tuesday, roll around in Bolognese for a few minutes, then get up and walk off as if nobody noticed, so you couldn’t possibly have been underground all of this time.”

To this, I respond:

1. Age is just a number.

2. You are likely mixing me up with a brother of AEPi, who bears a resemblance to me due to our shared ethnicity, thereby revealing your internal biases and discrediting your repugnant attack on my ability to exit the Pasta e Basta line.

3. Every stranger holds within them a rich interior life, filled with a number of years spent in the secret tunnel archives that is unknown to you, and of which it is rude for you to claim untrue

when they are trying to be vulnerable.

My truth is that in October of 1970, I took a 23andMe test which revealed that I am 1.7% Egyptian. On Halloween, I wrapped myself in toilet paper to celebrate my newfound heritage and fell asleep in Sterling Memorial Library after eating what I believed to be a regular brownie. I awoke in the arms of three Yale Facilities workers carrying me to the Ancient Egypt exhibit and did not correct their mistake because my love language is physical touch. Rumor has it that, to this day, the body of Tutankhamun lies in the top bunk of my old LDub dorm as a result of this confusion. I cannot confirm or deny such a fact, as I have been trapped in the archives for the past 54 years, but 98.3% of me would like to express my deepest apologies to the Egyptian people if it is true. But, I digress. Once I found my way out of the sarcophagus I was placed in — which I assume was locked due to baseless superstition and the fact that I sneezed on the journey down — I found that there was no way out of the tunnels. I tried every door, climbed every shelf, took every priceless artifact off of every ominous podium and accidentally triggered every booby trap, filling many rooms with sand. I scrounged for sustenance, erasing all evidence of the wooly mammoth to brew bone broth. I encountered the botanical exhibit and burned through the last preserved leaves of medically significant plants with a bong that I constructed from Handsome Dan I’s skull. I am not proud of

Natasha Weiss ’25 Chair

Jacob Mansfield ’25 Online Managing Editor

Leah Burch ’25 Copy Editor

Emmitt Thulin ’25 Social Media Manager

Dom Alberts ’25 Editor in Chief

Nicole Stack ’26 Online Managing Editor

Amelia Herrmann ’26 Copy Editor Lillian Broeksmit ’25 Art Director

Arav Dalwani ’26 Webmaster

these years, Reader, but the human spirit yearns to survive. I will not apologize for being a victim of circumstance.

Then came that fateful day. I was lounging in the Christianity room, sipping mammoth and creating blackout poetry in the Gutenberg Bible, when for the first time in five decades, I heard a noise. In the hall, I found a woman. At first, she was startled by my overgrown beard and the jarred head of Napoleon Bonaparte that I carried for companionship. But she must have seen the kindness in my eyes, for she stuck out her hand and introduced herself as Lizzie, Yale’s newest archivist. I told her of my wasted years and expressed my deepest apologies that she must face the same fate, for there is no way out of this wretched prison of knowledge. But before I could offer her the last of my soup, she put a finger to my lips and gestured for me to follow her.

We reached the first door I had tried to leave through all those years ago, and she told me to be free. I threw myself against the unbudging door and wept for the both of us, for she did not yet understand that this fortress had no exit.

“It’s a pull,” she told me, swinging the door towards us. And in that moment, I finally understood what I was supposed to learn all along: Archives may teach us of the past, but the future is female.

D. Alberts Editor in Chief

Tara Bhat ’25 Online Editor in Chief

Lizzie Conklin ’25 Managing Editor

Larry Dunn ’25 Design Editor

Samad Hakani ’26 Staff Director

Joanna Wypasek ’24 Old Owl Emily Cai ’25 Old Owl Grace Ellis ’25 Old Owl

Alice Mao ’24

Colson Jones ’24

Edwin Perez ’24

Kara Carey ’24

Lily Dorstewitz ’24

Malia Kuo ’24

Simi Olurin ’24

Ari Berke ’25

Audrey Hempel ’25

Betty Kubovy-Weiss ’25

Cormac Thorpe ’25

Chet Hewitt ’25

Evan Calderon ’25

Ezzat Abouleish ’25

Isabel Arroyo ’25

Jacob Kao ’25

Mari Elliott ’25

Maya Melnik ’25

Neil Sachdeva ’25

Rena Howard ’25

Theo Schiminovich ’25

Tyler Schroder ’25

Adham Hussein ’26

Aidan Gibson ’26

AJ Tapia-Wylie ’26

Alejandro Rojas ’26

Alexa Druyanoff ’26

Alexis Ramirez-Hardy ’26

Alice Khomski ’26

Amanda Budejen ’26

Andie Gately ’26

Andrew Lake ’26

Ariel Kirman ’26

Bella Panico ’26

Sadie Lee ’26 Managing Editor

Erita Chen ’26 Design Editor

Matt Neissen ’26 Business Manager

Emma Madsen ’25 Old Owl

Staff:

Brennan Columbia-Walsh ’26

Caroline Utterman ’26

Elio Wentzel ’26

Emily Hettinger ’26

Emmet Houghton ’26

Grace Davis ’26

Helen Shanefield ’26

Jimmy Ruskell ’26

Linden Skalak ’26

Mia Cortés Castro ’26

Natasha Khazzam ’26

Owen Curtin ’26

Oz Gitelson ’26

Paola Milbank ’26

Sam Kumar ’26

Sivan Almogy ’26

Thomas Varghese ’26

Andrew Cramer ’25 Publisher

Debbie Lilly ’26 Managing Editor

Dash Beber-Turkel ’26 Design Editor

Alejandro Mayagoitia ’25 Merch Manager

Josephine Stark ’25 Old Owl

Edward Bohannon ’25 Old Owl

Toby Salmon ’26

Tristan Hernandez ’26

William Wang ’26

Wolf Boone ’26

Zadie Winthrop ’26

Zoe Halaban ’26

Adam Hagens ’27

Ainslee Garcia ’27

Ami Gillon ’27

Anna Calkins ’27

Anna Feldman ’27

Anna Lehman ’27

Anna Papakirk ’27

Audrey Jiang ’27

Avery Lenihan ’27

Avery Misner ’27

Bipul Soti ’27

Contributors: Record alumni artists

Braeden Cullen ’27

Chloe Budakian ’27

Daniel Wang ’27

Devika Kothari ’27

Ellen Windels ’27

Elora Sparnicht ’27

Emma Upson ’27

Gabriella Cohen ’27

Gha Yuan Ng ’27

Gustavo Dominguez ’27

Harper Murray-Nelson ’27

Jaylynn Cortes ’27

Juliette Propp ’27

Katya Agrawal ’27

Lucas Ranfranz ’27

Lucas Santos ’27

Max Watzky ’27

Special thanks to: Archaeologists, God’s favorite little thieves.

Front Cover: Emily Cai ’25, who wrenched the Gutenberg Bible from Old Owl’s talons.

Back Cover: Emily Cai ’25, who bought a Bulldog Bed to make room for her marble bust.

September 11, 1872 • Vol. CLII, No.

Sophie Spaner ’25 Supplementals Editor

Joel Banks ’25 Prank Czar

Annie Lin ’25 Old Owl

Nava Feder ’27

Rohan Shivakumar ’27

Samhita Kumar ’27

Sofia Morfin ’27

Sui Yu ’27

Terence Harris ’27

Tom Commander ’27

Victoria Mnatsakanyan ’27

Vidhi Bhartiya ’27

Will Sussbauer ’27 Ge Yu

Adriana Golden ’24 Old Owl

Arnav Tawakley ’24 Old Owl

Benjamin Hollander-Bodie ’24 Old Owl

Jacob Eldred ’24 Old Owl

Joe Gustaferro ’24 Old Owl

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERE’S A FIRE IN THE BEINECKE

1. Employees pee themselves because IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING

2. Helium is released into the room

3. Alarm goes off, probably

4. Security guards blow really hard toward the fire

5. The Gutenberg Bible and original VHS tape of Barbie Swan Lake are whisked away to a safe room

6. Remaining books are sacrificed to appease the flames

7. Students throw water balloons

8. Employees let the books burn; everything is digitized

—N. Feder

WHY WE HAVE ALL OF YOUR CHILDHOOD BELONGINGS ENCASED IN RESIN

Lighten up, kid, this ain’t anything like your bargain anime-keychain-resin. The stuff’s amber, straight from the forests of New Zealand, wholesale. Check these nuggets — 100% pure, smooth sepia tints, we’ll do the float test, and you’ll see — completely buoyant in salt water. Kid, if you keep crying, I can’t prove quality — you’re ruining the salinity. You know what? Here, just hold it, can’t you just feel that poreless texture? The clarity too — doesn’t that teddy from home look just darling, submerged inside? Your textbooks too — I much prefer Plato’s Republic when fossilized.

No, kid, no! Hands off the chisel, buddy! You know how many kiwi bureaucrats the Peabody had to bribe? No, it’s not a Jurassic Park scenario, we’re not going to reanimate anything later. Now, hold still. Feel how nice the resin is? The teddy

would have felt just fine — spared no expense. Sit back and relax, the preservation process takes just a few million years. Stop wiggling! I don’t know why you’re complaining. Who’s the one applying for their fifth gap year? Who’s the one afraid to graduate and get a real job? Who’s the one least likely to repay their student loans? We’re not even dumping out your stuff. It’s no picnic for us either, but hey, we’ll be compensated in ticket sales for the new exhibit.

What are you — no! No resin spills allowed at OML! Dr. Milford, bring the freezer! We’re switching to cryogenics.

— E. Chen

YE OLDE SPORTING COSTUMES

— H. Murray-Nelson

DUTY EVENTS THROUGH THE AGES

1820s — Monocle Etiquette: How not to seem like you forgot half your spectacles.

1840s — Corset Conundrum: How to tie a thousand knots without breathing.

1870s — Candle Making Workshop: Electricity deniers welcome!

1880s — Existential Crises Support Group: What are “soft drinks” and why aren’t they soft?

1920s — Harvard/Yale Special: Capture the Hag (1 point per Harvard student taken hostage)

1960s — On Women: Will society collapse if we admit them?

1990s — On Computers: Will society collapse because of them?

—D. Kothari

EXTINCT FONTS

—L. Broeksmit

HANDSOME DAN I’S BURIAL REQUESTS

24 of the finest doggy treats that money can buy

A silk blanket

Two feathers in Yale Blue, plucked from a peacock

A lock of hair of William Howard Taft

Not one artifact of the color crimson

One bone

George Washington’s shoes

The “White Boy of the Month” 1 bitcoin, it’ll be worth a lot some day Donations in lieu of flowers

—T. Schiminovich

REJECTED DESIGNS FOR THE GUILLOTINE

—K. Agrawal

NORMAL WAYS WE GOT STUFF

Thrifting

Gifts from the Pope

Left on our doorstep in a basket during a stormy night

Jumanji situation

Building a sandcastle next to an archaeological dig and getting lucky

Via fax

Found at the center of a Tootsie Pop

Found in the Beyond section of Bed Bath & Beyond

Found in your mom’s bedroom

Pillaging

religious documents ranked by taste

ONLINE RESULTS

Old Testament

Religious documents Christianity

Tastes leathery and like paper.

New Testament

Religious documents Christianity

Tastes leathery and like newer paper.

Gutenberg Bible

Religious documents Christianity

books

Expected German flavor. Disappointing — tastes nothing like the Germans.

Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God

Religious documents Christianity

damnation

Still the most flavorful meal from Jonathan Edwards.

King James Bible

Religious documents Christianity

Tastes leathery and like paper. Regal finish.

Dead Sea Scrolls

Religious documents Judaism

Salty. Spit-soluble. INTERPOL displeased.

Waffle House Dinner Menu

Lorem Ipsum Licked computer screen. Warm. 5,234,551 7,438,909 724 1,153 10,775,293 50,943

Religious documents Traditional American

Greasy. Notes of hash brown. A religion I can get behind.

Reports of Witchcraft at Yale

Lysandra

Burned at the stake

33 years

Colette Kemp

Hanged

17 years

Violet Wildes

Beheaded 19 years

Rosalind Pannal

Burned at the stake

28 years

Genevieve Sawyer

Stoned 18 years

Esmerelda Clarke

Burned at the stake

65 years

Reason for Conviction: Lysandra is convicted of being a witch for her attempts to take history classes at the University. Women have no need to learn about the world, especially not spinsters on death’s doorstep. Lysandra is clearly under the influence of the Devil, and we must burn her to prevent the spread of blasphemous ideas.

Reason for Conviction: Colette Kemp is hereby condemned as a witch for her acts of heresy, particularly her disagreement with Nathan Kemp, age 3, in which she said that the sum of two and three equals five instead of six as presented by Mr. Kemp. As both mathematics and correcting a male superior are unlawful for a woman, Colette is clearly a witch.

Reason for Conviction: Violet Wildes is thus condemned as a witch for her efforts to ask the Yale art classes to use women as models for the human form class. This is an act of witchcraft because the course director might approve of this ridiculous notion, and Mr. Daniel Weir’s modeling skills would no longer be necessary. No one wants to look upon the naked female form, so these ideas are clearly due to demonic bewitchment.

Reason for Conviction: Upon giving birth to her first child, Rosalind remarked to her husband Bartholomew that her miraculous experience of delivering God’s child produced more pain than an injury to the giblets. As there is no greater pain, Rosalind has clearly been touched by the devil and is sentenced to death for witchcraft.

Reason for Conviction: Jonathon Verrick said if Genevieve were convicted as a witch, he would show the Dean of Yale College the complete map of the underground tunnels. Genevieve was given a fair trial where, after the jury deliberated for 15 generous seconds, she was unanimously considered guilty of witchcraft.

Reason for Conviction: Esmerelda is hereby convicted of the ultimate form of heresy and witchcraft for her actions regarding a young child in the university. The boy had contracted some form of illness, and Esmerelda healed a sick child with a tonic of “herbs” and “medicine.” As only someone who caused such an illness would be capable of curing it, it is obvious that Esmerelda first poisoned the boy, then provided him with the antidote.

PRO FRATERNIZATION: THE WORLD’S BEST AND MOST FORGOTTEN PLEDGEMASTER CORRESPONDENCE

Lycurgus, Pledge Founder 7th Centuryish BCE

To My Spartan Comrades,

Translation: You are here for a reason. If you were weak, your father would consume you as Cronus ate his sons. This didn’t happen. Let it be a sign. You are a brotherhood, you are one. You eat together, train together, sleep together, and sleep together (in the other sense). Kill or be killed. Together, we must drink with our shirts off. May your swords be stiff and sharp.

Lancelot, Master of the Pledge 1608

To The Soon to be Upstanding Gentlemen of The Round Table,

Dear brothers, I admit that you’ve been alone since thy far-from-immaculate conceptions. Yet let it be known that those days shall be over in a fortnight. Thou shall be immersed in the ritual, the brotherhood of TRT. This shall be thine Odyssey. O’er the next few moons, I shall be thy god and thou shall serve me with grace. Let thy gullets fill with mead, let fish swim in thy bellies, and let steps become acquainted with thy spines. May the valorous men prevail!

Chad Donovon, Pledgemaster 2024

To Alpha Alpha Alpha Pledge Class,

Over the next semester you will learn to breathe brotherhood and — even more importantly — how to style your hair in the traditional AAA brother frat swoop. I will teach you how to thwart university safety investigations, retrieve inconvenient foodstuff, drink your vomit without re-re-vomiting, tell the difference between rager and kickback and DJ a killer set. 1/3 of you won’t be able to take the heat so in advance, I warn you: Beta Beta Beta may be a better fit.

—H. Murray-Nelson

THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE OF JESUS CHRIST

MOST POPULAR BABY NAMES FROM 70 BCE

Famine

Scurvy

Wine

Lucretius

Child Bride

Ham

Hamela (in the unfortunate event of a daughter) Aqueduct

Plentiful Crop

Hayleigh

THE REAL PERIODIC TABLE

—E. Hettinger

—H. Shanefield

—D. Kothari

Bar naBus Montg o Merytonii

August 13th, 1752

Yale University of New Haven, of His Majesty’s Colony of Connecticut

Concerning the admission status of my dearest boy, Barnabus Montgomeryton III:

Dear Head of Admissions (and my personal friend of many decades) John Worcester,

I write to you in a state of considerable distress. It has come to my attention that you and others among our shared alma mater might elect to refuse admission to my dear, dear boy Barnabus. I have been informed that this is on account of his lack of even a modicum of intelligence. I will assure you that in this area my boy has seen mighty improvements. He has worked with some of the best tutors in New York City and can now add numbers in the double digits without the use of an abacus. And you must trust me when I say this boy has a literary mind; every day I see him bringing one of these new books with illustrations into his room for hours at a time. When I listen closely I can hear his bed shaking with excitement as he reads. I am well aware he has picked up somewhat of a reputation among his peers of drinking rum, wagering his allowance on a game of knucklebones, and working on the Lord’s day. However! I will tell you I have gotten this boy on the straight-and-narrow. He is on a strict curfew and anyone who claims they saw him out on the town past midnight is a godforsaken liar! Amen! I am coming to you now in a position of humility. I think it is worth mentioning though, that I have earned a considerable fortune in the export of tobacco from the docks of Manhattan. Suppose our great institution might be in need of a laboratory to improve methods of blood-letting, or a grant for the study of witch-identification. With my means I might be able to provide such services, given that you grant just one wish of mine in return. Thirty years ago we met in the hallowed halls of that prestigious institution to which you still belong. Remember what fun we had? I surely do. It would be a serious shame if I were made to tell the Board of Trustees of our nights in that den of iniquity, would it not? Would you not prefer to simply allow another young Mongomeryton to walk those same hallowed halls? With my help, perhaps there could be more hallowed halls to walk through.

Sincerely and with ample money to spend, Barnabus Montgomeryton II

Barnabus

Montgomeryton II

—R. Shivakumar

Record Art Through the Ages

The Apocalypse Issue, 2011

The Conspiracy Issue, 2005

The Psychology Issue, 2010

The Women’s Issue, 2010

The Bioethics Issue, 2010

WHY THE GUTENBERG BIBLE IS IN THE DRAWER AT THE MOTEL 6

Well, do you have somewhere better to keep it?

THE GOLDEN AGE OF GRUB

—T. Bhat

—H. Murray-Nelson

MEET YOUR PERSONAL LIBRARIAN

I approached a small office tucked deep into a secluded corner of Bass that no amount of self-loathing has ever pushed someone towards. My hands shook in anticipation as I finally turned the round, silvery knob, and met my fate.

Immediately, I was ambushed, a paper bag thrown over my head as my attacker pushed me forward and onto the ground. “Amy Clarence Heidelberg, I’ve been expecting you,” a voice boomed from above. “You’ve come to ask the Elders about the secrets of EasyBib, yes?” the voice boomed. I nodded my head quickly, bashing it slightly against the ground on account of the weight pressing into my back.

The voice started again, “For what type of project do you wish to use this easy, intuitive citation platform?” I raised my head towards the voice and squeaked out a rushed, “I’m in English 114. We’re doing our final paper.”

My arms were freed, and I swiftly made a scramble for the bag covering my head. Turning, I met the gaze of a kind-looking, middle-aged woman staring down at me. “Oh, that should be pretty simple, actually,” she remarked, extending an arm to help me to my feet.

She sat down at her desk and pointed me to the plush armchair opposite. I sat down shakily, still worried about my utter lack of defense training preparation. We spent the next 15 minutes Googling “EasyBib”, sifting through archives, and compiling sources until a timer rang out on her desk.

“You must go now. Will you be able to walk this path alone, vulnerable in the absence of my protection?” she asked, her voice several octaves deeper and many decibels louder than one would think possible for a woman of 75 years of age.

With a gleam of joy in my eyes, shining through the tears left over from when she threw me against the ground, I confidently announced, “I think I got this one.” She gripped my hands and pressed her forehead against mine, staring deep into my eyes before turning me towards the exit.

As I closed my laptop and walked towards the door, I felt sullen. With my hand growing cold against the metal door knob, in a fit of desperation, I turned around to tell her that I still needed her, but as my eyes met the porcelain sheep on her desk, she was nowhere to be found. The door smacked me in the face as a small man blurted out, “What are you doing in my office?” As I fell to my knees, my consciousness slipping away, I could only force out a confused, “Wait, are you my personal librarian?” before a sea of black engulfed my vision and brain.

And that, Professor, is why I am requesting a 24-hour extension on my ENGL 114 final paper. I am so sorry for any inconvenience this has caused and greatly appreciate your understanding.

—A. Herrmann

—A. Druyanoff

This edition of the United States Constitution was found in a dustbin in Philadelphia. It was likely written by James Madison after a night of copious ale-drinking and bottom-bouncing to “Yankee Doodle Dandy,” often regarded as the “SkeeYee” of its time.

PRAMBELE

Oui da peple of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (YEAAAAAA!!!), en orader to crate a bestest country, do hearbay create this doacument. Suck r eggs King Jarge! Me n my bois ar still betr than u and that dumbas Conrwallis CAN”T HER U OVR SOUND OF OUR FREEEEEDOM. N e weys, Aountlined below r amdenements — I dant’ even kwon wat I;m amendeming??? Whatever, Bigg Bozz Whahashington ask, I dilever.

1: EVARYOANE BUAT TOMMY J SHOULD TALKE

U cam to Ms. Burnbashs’ Tavern last night wnehn me n my laddiez (Benjy, Sammy, and my mane man Alex) were LIVIN IT UPPPPPP, n u madee us go to bed bcs we had to “write a conshstitution.”’” Lietataly everyaonet buat u shouald be abl;ee to speake about whaetetver thety want. Shsust up Tommy J.

2: ERERYONE SHOLD CARI WAPONS

Erarodby nos taht thatha bsets; way to steltle an arjugumentn is wight a PISTOL FIHG;T!! N i justs knooooooooo thahat “King”” Jarge is gna atatck us ageain in 1812 or smonething. iHop a m preszidenzts thnen… I’d kicakc so mjcuh Bristsih butt!!

3: SOLDERZ – DROP BY BIGG BOSS GEORGE DUBZ CRIB 4 SWEETSZ n TO HANG… BUTT ONLYYYY

IF HE LET;S U!!

Ms. Martha Wazashington makez zta bests crumpetsts n’ deliceitiblites Come w all ur frisndss, we’r gonna getttttt crunkkkkkkkkkkkk n dance YANKEE DOODLE DANDDYYYYYYY! But Gorg cane kcaick u out if he wantz… LEVE HIM ALNOE! Giv him ur corters!

4: DNSOT LOOEK EIN NMY BAEGS WIFOUTT PERMIZSON

Tommy J seayz I haveev HASH n DRINK n ALE n ALL SOORSTS of MERRIMETNT in my bagz n zszatchels. He LOOEDKED wifaout ASZKING! Woz he RAZD IN BARN?!!!

5: INDICTMENT BY GRAND JURY AND DUE PROCESS IN COURT

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

6: JUDGEZSS CANNT” B SLOWE!!,! PIK UP THE PASE WIG BOI!

Broh, I actually hate TOmmy J. HE reportetd me n my fferiends toa teh poleaice… foar pozeshsion af “ilegaly imparted aels and merrimetnt and such.” Itz sachh bullsheiet. The OLDAZZ jadge wahs zo, zoooo! slow wif my case. My boiiiii Benjy had to picacked me up n I came la8te tao teha convesnhsion.

7: LETMY BOIZ n THE TOWNZPEOPLE JUDGET MEEE

Law off Ggod faor heaven, the laww n verdickt of my frends neighbours foar America. ‘;Nuff said.

8: OKKKK I HAD ALEZ… DON””T KISLL ME FOUR IT!

Wajatatever. Sou I hazd aone oaur two our tree our four 2 many alez n absinzthes from Franance. Donn’t punsaish mea toou harad far it. War juzst havinge fun.

9: I CAN SAY EHATEVER I WANT!! ALLTHE RIGAHTS ARE MINEEEE

N u know waht… u CAN NEVRE TAKE ATAHT AWAY FORM ME!!

10: SATEZ RIGSHTS

IdOn’t realy laike thiaz part to be hoanest bruh.

J. Madz

NOAT 2 SLEF; HAV BENJY PROOOF REED!

LITTLE SMALL CHILD

By Wilhelm Carl Grimm

here was once a girl named Little Small Child. She was so small that her mother nearly squashed her. “You must grow taller,” said her mother. “Only then will I love you.”

So, Little Small Child packed a sack and ventured off to become tall. Frolicking down the woodland trail, she passed a line of breadcrumbs that led into the second evilest woods. Had Hansel left them there? Maybe Gretel? What if there was a plump sourdough loaf on the other side? Her stomach growled. She ate one crumb. Then another.

After licking the last crumbs off her lips, Little Small Child looked back and could find neither the woodland trail nor the way she had come. She was now on the second evilest pathway, which had many spooky skeletons. Up ahead, she saw a fork in the road. She picked it up in case she found more breadcrumbs later on.

Suddenly, the pathway split. One way led to a fountain surrounded by the tallest trees she had ever seen. The other road dropped into a bottomless pit of venomous snakes. Then she remembered what her mother had always said: snakes are bad. “Wherever shall I go?” she cried. “La-dee-da-la-dee-dee!”

The bad snakes spotted Little Small Child skipping and singing in a circle. She looked very dumb and also quite small and delicious. “Yummy yum yum!” hissed the snakes. “Thank you!” said Little Small Child.

“Uh… no problem. Do you like flowers?”

“I do like flowers!”

“We have the prettiest flowers ever. If you take one, your mother will love you.”

“Hoo boy!”

She skipped into the pit of snakes. Millions of snakes. So many.

But the wandering woodsman happened to be nearby. Seeing the snakes, he screamed, “I’m gonna teach you a lesson!” He lept in with two hatchets and a dream. Millions of snakes died that day — the end.

The moral of the story is this: hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard.

– T. Harris

HIEROGLYPHICS I FOUND IN THE STACKS

—E. Upson

IDEAS PROPOSED BEFORE THE STANFORD PRISON EXPERIMENT

The Stanford Prism Experiment

The Stanford Infant Autocracy Experiment

The Stanford “Arm a Bunch of Feral Rats and See if They Establish Dominance Within the Rodent Community” Experiment

The Stanford Baking Soda and Vinegar Volcano Experiment

Dismissing psychology as a pseudoscience

—D. Lilly

PLAGUED BY CURIOSITY

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but the rats of our community deserve respect. Rats are people too. The mice have figured it out: Despereaux, Stuart Little, Mickey — they’ve all changed the narrative for the mouse community, yet the good name of rat remains infamous. When will it be our turn to bask in the limelight of academic fame?

Sure, we rats have made tremendous progress in the culinary field — the Ratatouille movement was groundbreaking — but since NIMH, the community of rat academics has gone woefully unrepresented. Our potential stretches far beyond the kitchen, like women and unlike chefs. We possess a vast intellect, curiosity, and a thirst for knowledge proportionally massive to our small frames.

In my most private moments, I entertain dreams of ancient tomes and whispering pages. Oh, how I long to clamber across the library floors and be received as an equal! To incite cries of delight with my profound ideas rather than screams of terror. To waffle on about Monte Cristo and have my audience think of French adventures, not a sandwich. My hunger for knowledge satisfies me in a way that some morsel of cheese never could. No matter how much I read, I always need more! My eyes have always been bigger than my proverbial literary stomach. Alas, the practicalities of my miniature stature pose a never-ending challenge. How unfair it is that books are so unwieldy for us smaller scholars. Their pages are too huge a task for my petite paws, and academics so reluctant to wear proper puppeteering headgear — long standardized in the culinary field. Oh, how I yearn to pick out a book for myself, not read the drivel some human has left on a desk. To immerse myself in a story without fear of discovery or reprisal.

So, I continue to dream, to crave, and to scrabble in pursuit of a future of enlightenment and equality. A future where rats are not judged by the size of our tails, but by the vastness of our intellects.

—S. Morfin

YALE COLLEGE

UndergradUate regUlations

1826-1827

1. Services and Facilities

a. It is strictly prohibited to park horses in the loading zone.

2. Mischief (General)

a. No tomfoolery.

3. Mischief (For non-French students)

a. Speaking past 2:00 p.m. is not permitted.

4. Mischief (For French students)

a. Speaking is not permitted.

5. Health Services

a. Students must participate in weekly bloodletting in the Schwarzman Center basement.

6. Housing

a. Quartered troops may only reside in Lanman Wright Hall.

b. Ugly quartered troops may only reside on the top bunks of Lanman Wright Hall, where we will not have to look at them.

7. Dean’s Extensions

a. Dean’s Extensions may only be granted for yellow fever, scheduled duels, and hysteria.

8. Academics

a. All students must fulfill at least two courses in the noble title inheritance distributional requirement.

9. Alcohol

a. You must be eight years old to drink in the state of Connecticut.

10. Undergraduate Organizations

a. Yale will discriminate in admissions, educational programs, and the administering of eye contact against any individual on account of that individual being Catholic.

11. Financial Aid

a. Ew!!!

Things You can Eat in the Collection

Sex and Sexuality, 16401940: Literary, Medical, and Sociological Perspectives. Topics covered include prostitution, the sociology of sex, lesbianism, romantic friendships, and flagellation. Has a minty flavor.

Yale’s research team discovery bumps Harvard’s skull collection to world’s second largest

BY DANIEL WANG STAFF REPORTER

Last Tuesday, Yale researchers uncovered 391 skulls scattered throughout various tables in the Pierson dining hall. This remarkable discovery puts the total number of skulls owned by Yale to 4,468 skulls, surpassing Harvard’s previous record of 4,373.

Jamie Chu (PC ‘27), who initially made the discovery, reports that the skulls were able to remain unnoticed for so long because “no one fucking eats there.” According to Chu, “the bigger question is

why there were 391 people in the Pierson dining hall in the first place. The walls are too white.”

Around campus, this new discovery is a cause for celebration. Over the weekend, the Fence Club hosted a “ho(e)spice” themed party, where participants were encouraged to arrive dressed as “sexy morticians and slutty grannies.” School administration also announced plans to replace its timeless “Y” logo with an objectively cooler image of a skeleton riding a motorcycle.

Even professors are joining in on the excitement. Kelsey Em, head of the Anthropology department, expressed that “human skulls are interesting to observe because they have so many different holes. And you can tell these are all human because of all the differentlysized holes. I’ll definitely bring some of these to my next human osteology lecture, so we can look at all the holes together as a class and rank them by hole size. Holy moly!”

In a university-wide address, President Peter Salovey announced that “with this historic discovery, Yale officially has the largest collegiate collection of human skulls,” expressing gratitude to the anonymous alum who donated 1,506 skulls to the university two years prior. “For a school that has both a larger class size and longer history, you’d think Harvard would have more dead students,” joked Salovey, “but Pierson just does it better.” Salovey declined to answer further questions regarding

the anonymous donation. Students are eagerly lining up to buy tickets to the newly reopened Yale Peabody Museum, which will feature the skulls in its “Weird Things Found in Pierson” exhibit. This exhibit includes a dog-skin rug made from Handsome Dan VII, a perfectly smooth cube of human flesh, and its crown jewel: a 15-foot-tall towering obelisk composed of the 391 skulls. The obelisk will be on display until April 26th, 2024.

1. ACME transparent watercolors

2. Bone stick

3. Abraxas grossulariata (L.)

4. Microform film of

5. Orange is the New Black, Season Four. (See: Microform film of Sex and Sexuality, 1640-1940: Literary, Medical, and Sociological Perspectives.)

6. The Lord’s Prayer and 23rd Psalm spoken by Rev. T. de Witt Talmage. Open wide.

—E. Upson

Ask Old Owl!

Dear Old Owl,

I feel, maybe, that I am ascending these stairs to Heaven… I can hear God above, mumbling about Serena Williams’ post-pregnancy bod… and war… maybe… inside it’s dark, but I see the world outside… looking for some book I’ve only heard tale of… but I do not understand the Dewey Decimal system…

Dear Owlet,

In my youth, I spent a lot of time in libraries. Books were my best friend, the 18+ section my lover, the librarians with their watchful eyes and summer reading recommendations my hot lesbian mothers. It’s easy to get lost in a fantasy world: I knew that after I watched “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” I dove into the world that

lived in between Jessica’s breasts and lived there for a while. I let myself learn what “home” was. My advice? Get lost in your reading, accept your ascent — that library has but a glass ceiling. Shatter it.

Dear Old Owl,

I dug and dug and dug a hole until it went all the way through and i found sumthin funny big bones some big animal a big dog maybe or sumthin with horns licked it clean now who will buy it?

Dear Owlet,

From what it sounds like, you might have found something of some value. Bones of ancient creatures can fetch a pretty penny these days, and as a result amateur archaeology has become all the

rage. I myself spend upwards of forty hours a week digging. Digging for what, you might ask? Digging for love. Digging for purpose. When I was born, my father foretold I would one day be the discoverer of one of the Terracotta Warriors or the “Bad Breath Seth” Garbage Pail Kid card. To my Pop, they were worth about the same. Oh, I wanted him to be proud. I wanted him to love me like the dads and their sons on the TV. I wanted to be his Kiefer Sutherland. But in a poetic and unsurprising turn of events, all I ever found in that hole was a “whole” lotta empty. When I finally climbed my way out of the Hell I had created, my father was gone with the wind. Think you found a dinosaur? Hope you want a side of absentfather with that, buddy. These things go the same every damn time.

CULINARY ARTIST:

SARAHI XXI

Sunday’s Mexican Brunch

Special: $20 Food + Bottomless Margarita or Tequila Flight

Featuring live music by DJ NICE

NEW HAVEN ARTISTS: PUT UP OR SHUT UP, POETRY SLAM

5/18 th , 8 pm - 11 pm

JARED OYETI Musician

DANA MOZELL Creative Director

ART SHOW, FOOD & DRINKS:

5/15 th 5 pm - 7 pm MATIAS WIELAND OLIVEIRA

Documentary & Visual Journalism Artist

5/22 th 5 pm - 7 pm REGINA ESCOBEDO GUERRA Artist

FILM SCREENINGS: INVISIBLE WOUNDS

5/2, 16, 23, 30 th 7 pm - 9 pm

DR. OSCAR GUERRA

Emmy®-Winning Directo r, Researcher, & Educator

CACAO CEREMONY & JUNGLE PARTY: 5/24th 7pm-9pm, 9pm-11pm

YEHUDAH RUSSELL Medicine Guide

MALKA RUSSELL Sound Healer