RECORD
“The World’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or
“The World’s Most Humorous Old Magazine”
Join us! Email chair@yalerecord.org
TRUMP CRITICIZED FOR NAMING TOP GENERAL TO KEY PODCASTING ROLE
SIDEWALK ELONGATION PROGRAM RUNS INTO ROADBLOCKS
TRUCK DRIVER ALWAYS KEEPS TWO HANDS ON OWN THIGHS
LOBSTERS PLEDGE NOT TO BOIL HUMANS ALIVE IN “MEANINGFUL FIRST STEP TOWARD PEACE”
TRUMP SIGNS NEW EXECUTIVE ORDER TO PROTECT WOMEN FROM THE DANGEROUS OCEAN
HAZING GONE OVERBOARD? THIS PLEDGE GOT ORDAINED IN THE HOLY CATHOLIC CHURCH
TRUMP LAUNCHES CRYPTO RESERVE FUND AS PART OF NEW MOVE INTO SATIRE COMEDY
DEMOCRATS ANNOUNCE PLAN
TO SNUGGLE UP WITH A COZY BLANKET AND A GOOD BOOK
“EGGS HAVE GOTTEN SO EXPENSIVE” SAYS MAN WHO EATS TOO MANY EGGS
TIMOTHEE CHALAMET WINS GROSSEST BOY
PESTO PASTA WINS GREEN PASTA AWARDS DUE TO LACK OF COMPETITION
PLUCKING MY TOE HAIRS: “SHE LOVES ME... SHE LOVES ME NOT...”
ECONOMICAL FATHER INVENTS HALF-PLY TOILET PAPER
PORCELAIN SALESMAN EASY TO BREAK
HONESTLY, EUNUCH MORE CASTRATED BY SOCIETY THAN ANYTHING ELSE
“THIS MIGHT BE ONE OF THOSE SITUATIONS WHERE WE HAVE TO EAT EACH OTHER,” SPECULATES HIKING LEADER FOR THIRD TIME
CLAIM: I CAN READ Y’ALL’S MINDS.
PROOF: I KNOW THAT NONE OF YOU THINK I CAN READ Y’ALL’S MINDS.
7TH GRADE BOY IN NEON ORANGE SHORTS PROMISES HE IS NOT COLD
MULTICULTURAL MIDDLE CHILD OF DIVORCE WITH INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA AND A SPORTS
INJURY STRUGGLES TO CHOOSE COLLEGE ESSAY THEME
FEMALE HR EMPLOYEE REALLY DOESN’T WANT TO BE SAPPY, BUT HAS REALLY ENJOYED WORKING WITH EVERY MEMBER OF HER TEAM
UGLY DUCKLING REALLY JUST UGLY IF YOU HATE DUCKS
FOR SALE:
MALALA’S COURSE REQUEST JUST “I AM MALALA”
I’VE BEEN DOING THE BOB DYLAN WALK LATELY, BUT INSTEAD OF BEING HUNCHED OVER WITH MY HANDS IN MY POCKETS, I’M JUST REALLY MEAN TO MY LOVED ONES
MCINNIS ANNOUNCES INNOVATION, STREAMLINING TO BETTER FIT NEEDS OF DIVERSE AND CONSTANTLY EVOLVING BOARD OF TRUSTEES
Baby shoes, worn many times, but the baby is a grown-up now.
Did You Know?
Jokes get even funnier when you explain them.
Dear Reader,
Around month three or four, your baby takes the crucial developmental step: emitting laughter. Did they laugh because they were reading an old issue of The Yale Record? Maybe, but unlikely. They laugh because they saw you do it and realized they want to get in on that shit. It looks like fun. You seem happy when you squint your eyes and you make repetitive cough-like sounds that are hard to control, because you are. Something shocked you and you reacted, not by throwing a fist or dropping a tear, but by guffawing, not because you want to, but because you must.
After researching whether or not other species share our privilege of laughter (I googled this once), I found that the BBC thinks so. Chimpanzees, our simian siblings, giggle. They love it when people tap dance in front of them, or tickle them, and laugh uncontrollably, encouraging their audience to continue doing whatever they’re doing. People do the same, unless they’re just politely laughing because they want you to pay for dinner. Conversations with laughter last longer. Laughing, when it’s real, and uncontrollable, and loud, makes you feel like the sun is warming your back on the first day of spring, or water is wetting your tongue after a long run. It’s fun. The only thing better is when you get someone else to laugh too.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he never knew his father. I just read that joke aloud to two of my friends, and neither of them laughed. One said “oh.” Writing comedy is an uphill battle,
because the whole point of being funny is that it relies on everything other than writing words on a piece of paper, or worse, on a laptop. How can we even try to distill something that’s always out of reach? All we know about “funny” is that it feels good, in part because it subverts our expectations. Nobody knows what funny is. Isn’t that the whole point? Funny is sitting in a room of your friends and saying one phrase about something silly that happened, that you misquote which makes it even funnier. It’s about je ne sais quoi (I’m not even sure what that means, but it probably cannot be described or named easily). The Record wants to boil this down on paper, but that’s impossible, because when you boil paper, you can’t read it anymore. What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? We don’t really know. Either way, if it’s in the Funny Issue, the Record probably wrote it.
However counterintuitive the practice of humor writing is, people do it to this day, though they could better spend their time scrolling through 15-second videos of scones turning into kittens or people falling down. Every Monday night, a staff of college students meets in the same room at 9:00 PM to read aloud the jokes they wrote in their
Amelia Herrmann ’26 Chair
’27 Online Managing Editor
Lizzie Conklin ’25 Editor in Chief
Gabi Cohen ’27 Online Managing Editor
Emma Madsen ’25 Old Owl
Ari Berke ’25
Audrey Hempel ’25
Betty Kubovy-Weiss ’25
Cormac Thorpe ’25
Chet Hewitt ’25
Evan Calderon ’25
Ezzat Abouleish ’25
Jacob Kao ’25
Mari Elliott ’25
Maya Melnik ’25
Neil Sachdeva ’25
Theo Schiminovich ’25
Tyler Schroder ’25
Adham Hussein ’26
Aidan Gibson ’26
AJ Tapia-Wylie ’26
Alejandro Rojas ’26
Alejandro Mayagoitia ’25 Old Owl
Alexa Druyanoff ’26
Alexis Ramirez-Hardy ’26
Alice Khomski ’26
Amanda Budejen ’26
Andie Gately ’26
Andrew Lake ’26
Ariel Kirman ’26
Bella Panico ’26
Brennan Columbia-Walsh ’26
Caroline Utermann ’26
Elio Wentzel ’26
Emily Hettinger ’26
Emmet Houghton ’26
Grace Davis ’26
Helen Shanefield ’26
Jimmy Ruskell ’26
Linden Skalak ’26
Notes App last week, or the one-liner they came up with on the walk over, to see what a crowd thinks of it. When it flops, they move on. Sometimes a joke works because it’s bad. When it flies, you should see the look in their eyes: their head swivels around to see who put their hands in their palms, who elbowed their neighbor, and who laughs the longest. The funniest people, I have found, are the people who are ready to laugh—laugh with others, laugh at themselves, and laugh when things go awry.
In the Funny Issue, we probe the conventions that are supposed to make us laugh, like the reason the chicken crossed the road, and what makes a banana peel so damn slippery. Maybe the chimpanzees who laugh leave them around to guarantee a giggle. Or to fertilize the land they will one day inhabit when they pull the whole Planet of the Apes shtick. Either way, when I see one of those yellow shells lying around, I take care to do a whole bit about it. I hope you do too. No joke.
L. Conklin Editor in Chief
Terence Harris ’27 Managing Editor
Debbie Lilly ’26 Online Editor in Chief
Devika Kothari ’27 Managing Editor
Erita Chen ’26 Publisher
Soti ’27 Managing Editor
Sophie Spaner ’25 Old Owl
Josephine Stark ’25 Old Owl
Staff:
Mia Cortés Castro ’26
Natasha Khazzam ’26
Owen Curtin ’26
Paola Milbank ’26
Yana Tucker ‘25
Sam Kumar ’26
Sivan Almogy ’26
Thomas Varghese ’26
Toby Salmon ’26
Oscar Heller ‘26
Tristan Hernandez ’26
Anthony Kurz ‘26
William Wang ’26
Wolf Boone ’26
Zadie Winthrop ’26
Zoe Halaban ’26
Gaya Buchta ‘27
Ami Gillon ’27
Anna Calkins ’27
Anna Feldman ’27
Anna Papakirk ’27
Audrey Jiang ’27
Avery Lenihan ’27
Braeden Cullen ’27
Ellen Windels ’27
Elora Sparnicht ’27
Gha Yuan Ng ’27
Gustavo Dominguez ’27
Jaylynn Cortes ’27
Juliette Propp ’27
Lucas Ranfranz ’27
Lucas Santos ’27
Max Watzky ’27
Nava Feder ’27
Annie Lin ’25 Old Owl
Rohan Shivakumar ’27
Samhita Kumar ’27
Sofia Morfin ’27
Sui Yu ’27
Tom Commander ’27
Victoria Mnatsakanyan ’27
Vidhi Bhartiya ’27
Will Sussbauer ’27
Zavian Valedón ‘27 Ge Yu ‘27
Austin Coelho ‘28
Logan Day-Richter ‘28
Jayden Gonzalez ‘28
Alex Geldzahler ‘28
Anneliese Hammer ‘28
Alice Kasdan ‘28
Jaelyn Jackson ‘28
Special thanks to: Court jesters — who can make anyone laugh, except for themselves. Front and Back Cover: Katya Agrawal, ’27, who is tired of carrying the Record’s art on her back.
Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CLII, No. 5, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year
Leandro Menchu-Sajche ‘28
Ember McMullen ‘28
Harry Lowitz ‘28
Sean Lacalle ‘28
Squirrel Lanz ‘28
Elizabeth Richards ‘28
Leo Rael ‘28
Anna Siciliano ‘28
Shivraj Singh ‘28
Matthew Sprintson ‘28
Audrey Stankunas ‘28
Eric Song ‘28
Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: Letters should be addressed to: Chair, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chair@yalerecord.org. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.
Daniel Wang ’27 Social Media Manager
Oz Gitelson ’26 Webmaster
Anna Lehman ’27 Staff Director
Emmet Houghton ’26 Business Manager
Ainslee Garcia ’27 Merchant
Sofia Morfin ’27 Prank Czar
Issy Arroyo ’25 Copy Editor
Avery Misner ’27 Copy Editor
Katya Agrawal ’27 Art Director
Dash Beber-Turkel ’26 Lead Design Editor
Harper Murray Nelson ’27 Design Editor
Emma Upson ’27 Design Editor
Sadie Lee ’26 Supplementals Editor
Adam Hagens
Bipul
Annie Lin ’25 Old Owl
Emmitt Thulin ’25 Old Owl
Natasha Weiss ’25 Old Owl
Dom Alberts ’25 Old Owl
Joel Banks ’25 Old Owl
Tara Bhat ’25 Old Owl
Lillian Broeksmit ’25 Old Owl
Leah Burch ’25 Old Owl
Emily Cai ’25 Old Owl
Andrew Cramer ’25 Old Owl
Grace Ellis ’25 Old Owl
REJECTED BEANBOOZLED FLAVORS
Gouda / Ear Cheese
Pop Rocks / Glass Shards
Orange / Agent Orange
Morning Dew / Sweat
Honorable Discharge / Discharge
Deja Vu / Deja Vu
Ronnie’s Special Juice / Normal Heroin
Getting What You Want / Getting What You Need Anti-Depressant / Depressant
OUR FAVORITE PICK-UP LINES
Are you from Alabama? Because you look like my brother.
Are you a toaster? Because I would fork you, but my heart would stop.
Are you my mom? Because I love you.
Are you a pigeon? Because I’d give up bread for you.
Are you a proletariat? Because you’re seizing the means of my reproduction.
Are you O.J. Simpson? Because you’re gonna get me off with that glove.
Are you gay? Because I want to have sex with you. I am gay.
Are you a GM convertible? Because I want to take your top off and slam you into a tree.
Can I have your number?
—Staff
—A. Murphy
POPULAR JOKES AND WHY THEY ARE FUNNY
People don’t understand comedy. Rather, you don’t understand comedy as deeply and insightfully as I do. This makes me incredibly sad because there’s so much humor in the world, and most of it goes over your head like the drone that’s been following you around recently. Without further ado, I will tell you some popular jokes taken from a Reader’s Digest article and explain what makes them funny. Because explaining the joke always, always makes it funnier. As a reader, feel free to laugh and thank me, the author of this piece, in person, for enhancing your understanding of comedy.
Setup: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
Punchline: They just wash up on shore.1
Explanation: This joke is funny because after walking the plank, a pirate might avoid death and end up on the shore of some island or continent. The verb used for that kind of scenario is “washing up.” This is also a verb used for showering. So, in this case, the pirate wouldn’t need to shower before walking the plank because they will already be doing a verb which means showering; if they don’t die at sea first. Analyzing a joke like this reveals its oceanic depth. I’ll give you time to think about that one.
Setup: What do you call a fake dad?
Punchline: A faux pas.
Explanation: This is another classic example of a pun.2 The joke here is that faux pas is a term meaning violating some sort of social norm. This term sounds like “faux pa.” “Faux” means fake in French, which is also a fake language, and “pa” is another word used for dad. Combining these words would then make for the perfect sort of term to refer to a fake dad. Playing around with language like this often makes for really funny jokes.
Setup: “Knock, knock.”
1 I am writing the jokes in this piece in two lines: the first is a setup, and the second is the punchline. This is a very common format for jokes. If you are unfamiliar with the terms, the setup is basically something someone might say or ask. The punchline, coming second, will refer to the setup with some sort of twist. I typically find punchlines to be the funniest parts of jokes.
2 A pun is a specific type of joke which works because some words, or even just sounds, can have multiple meanings. It’s really funny when these different meanings make you rethink the punchline, and realize why a word or phrase you had only heard in a specific context, when interpreted differently, would mean something else.
“Who’s there?” “Lettuce.”
“Lettuce who?”
Punchline: “Lettuce in. It’s cold out here!”3
Explanation: “Lettuce in” sounds like “let us in,” something you would say if you were cold and outside of a door. This is one of the funniest jokes because lettuce is a funny vegetable.
Setup: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Punchline: To get to the other side.4
Explanation: John Chicken never had it easy. Born during the American Revolution, he suffered from bouts of whooping cough as a child and had two siblings die of cowpox before they turned ten. In 1809, however, he had his big break — and I’m not talking about eggs. While he was home sick with bird flu, a vision from God told him to cross-breed an ostrich, a quail, a turkey, and a pigeon. His bird flu then became a bird fever as he scoured New England for all types of poultry. But when the townsfolk saw his new invention, they laughed at its meager size and lack of flight.
“That thing is so dumb, I bet it couldn’t even cross a road!” they mocked.
At that moment John Chicken’s creation spoke.
“You feeble men hubristically imagine yourselves kings of conscious experience. What is a road? I see only evidence of your willingness to rely on technology external to your own vital souls. As I cross this road, do not jail me in your limited mediated world of meanings and doings. I cross the road because I am.”
The townspeople, in shock, watched as the creature walked directly across the road. It was then flattened by a horse-drawn carriage. In this way, the chicken reached “the other side.” Today, the familiar “chicken” is beloved around the world. The joke is just okay though.
I hope these explanations help you to understand just how funny jokes can be when you really get them. And remember, you can thank me, Rohan Shivakumar, the next time you hear a joke and laugh. That’s all from me for now. See ya!
– R.
Shivakumar
3 This is a special kind of joke called a “knock knock” joke. These jokes follow a specific call and response format and rely on audience participation. This time I’ll leave it up to the reader to figure out how they work!
4 Real fans of jokes will recognize this classic!
POINT: THE RECORD IS NOT FUNNY
The Record is unfunny. For the record, I know a lot about being funny. See that—see what I just did there? When I said for the record? That’s called a “pun,” and puns are very funny. A lot of people say I’m a funny guy. My son said the tuna sandwich I made for him the other day tasted “real funny” before it gave him salmonella. My wife said I was acting “real funny” right before she divorced me. The IRS said I was getting up to some real “funny business” when I tried creating a few offshore accounts in the Cayman Islands. It should be pretty obvious by now that lots of people think I’m a funny guy—the type of guy you can trust to judge what’s funny and what’s not. And The Record is unfunny. I would avoid The Record at all costs.
COUNTERPOINT: THEY’VE REJECTED MY PIECES FOUR YEARS IN A ROW
I may be a 43-year-old man living in Goochland, Virginia with no past or present connections to Yale University, but I’ve submitted pieces for the past 58 issues. Every time, I’m met with the indignation of some bisexual English major half my age denying my submission for no clear reason beyond, “Please stop submitting pieces to our publication about what Shrek would’ve been like if Shrek had a mullet.” Wokeism has taken over—comedy is dead.
–D. Lilly
and sometimes also made money. Now there’s no one to hear my witty banter, and I’m all out of money.
I miss the kids, too: Lucy and Timmy and Maya. I know I wasn’t always there for them the way I should have been, but I appreciated the little things about them. Their size. The sound of their small feet running down the hallways. The beautiful way that Lucy and Maya would laugh when I roasted Timmy in front of them. The house is cold without my family in it, and not only because I don’t know how to pay the heating bill.
I know you’re watching this, Laura. I’m standing on this stage in front of a drunk and increasingly annoyed audience, and I want to beg you one more time to come back to me. I’m a changed man. Not literally, because I’m still wearing the clothes I had on when you left me, but I’m changed on the inside.
Laura, you could make me the happiest insult comic in the world. Will you give me another chance?
—E. Leventhal
THE FALL OF CINEMA (AN ACROSTIC)
Marvel movies
Aardvark boobies
Rarvel rupees
Tartar cooties
Iarvel poopies
Narwhal two-piece
Why Are Artists Afraid To Showcase The Real.
#ReleaseTheSnyderCut
#InNolanWeTrust
Hey folks! It’s Stan Savage! How are we feeling tonight? Good? Really? Well, that’s funny, because I’m as depressed as I’ve been in my entire life.
That wasn’t a joke, folks.
You all look pretty confused out there in the audience, so I should explain myself. It’s my wife, Laura. She left me. On Valentine’s Day, no less, in the middle of the Valentine’s Day roast I had prepared for her, she just stood up and said she was done. She took the car, the kids, and the family dog. Stan Savage is alone in this world.
I’ll admit it: my relationship with Laura had its problems. I know it wasn’t easy for her to be married to an insult comic. She never came around to my breakout comedy special Take My Wife — Please! or the follow-up specials My Wife Is Like a Stranger to Me and I Cheat on My Wife Not Out of Lust, but Out of Loneliness.
But I never thought that Laura would abandon ship. Without her, my life has been falling apart. There’s no outfit laid out for me on the bed when I get up in the morning, no food in the fridge when I’m hungry. We had a division of labor, me and Laura: she worked and raised the kids while I provided witty banter
#GunnShouldBeFired
#HenryCavill4GreenLanternButWhiteShouldBeHired
#TeenageMutantNinjaTurtlesxBatmanNow
ALTERNATIVES TO SCREAMING “FIRE!” IN A CROWDED THEATER
• Could you check if my retainer fell into your popcorn bucket?
• Where did my pet rat go?
• Anyone else really scared of rabid cows?
• Vaccines aren’t real. I have bird flu and I’m just fine.
• The cows are here?!
• I’m not saying I’m a cannibal, but I get it.
• Can you look at my screenplay? It’s basically Shawshank Redemption reimagined for the male gaze.
• Mooooooooooo.
—E. Chen
HOW TO HAVE A SEXY LAUGH
Be really hot. Do you really think anyone cares how Henry Cavill laughs? Megan Fox in Transformers? Michael B. Jordan? Hell no. If you can destroy someone’s marriage just by looking in their direction, and they’d still say “thank you,” flip the page. This article isn’t for you.
If you’re slightly more aesthetically challenged than people whose entire careers are built on them being get-out-of-jail-free gorgeous, fret not — a sexy laugh can take you from a 5 to a 7 in an instant!
For the skeptics who think their laugh is “fine,” trust me when I say that it isn’t. Try this exercise: record yourself laughing. Done? Good. Now play it back to yourself 20 times. Think it sounds a little weird? Play it 15 more times. Notice how you sound like Marge Simpson choking on a dying seagull? Yeah, you’ve got some work to do.
For anyone who wants to improve upon their guffaw, titter, chortle, etc., you must follow these three core principles that people who have a sexy laugh live by:
1. You’re in no hurry. Time bends to your whims and desires. Your laugh should reflect this element of your
otherwise enigmatic personality. A good, sexy laugh is like a good brisket; cook it low and slow, or else it’ll turn into a flavorless lump of meat, just like you and your average laugh.
2. You’re better than them. Pick only a few jokes to laugh at. Keep them guessing if their humor is good enough. Intermediate praise is way more psychologically effective than nonexistent or constant praise. Use this to your advantage, and you’ll hold the power. Everyone will want to be your friend. Oops, you might not know what a “friend” is. That’s someone who willingly hangs out with you.
3. Always laugh in lowercase. Whatever you do, do not show excitement. Hot people don’t have personalities. If you come off as relatable, you’re going to sound like a complete loser. Never smile, like that kid in your high school English class whom everyone feared. Fear means that people think you’re awesome.
With these tips, you’re sure to adopt the most magnetic, sexy laugh the world has never heard. Remember, if you slip up and laugh like this in front of your mother, and she rolls her eyes, you’ve succeeded in your quest.
—E. Richards
Court Jester Speaks Out
BY Leo Rael STAFF REPORTER
After the nationally beloved jester “Beans on Toast” was fired without a successor named, a new court jester was spotted at Buckingham Palace around 5:01 PM today. While unable to gather information about the new jester’s identity, the Record spoke with the previous jester, inquiring about his sudden and unannounced departure from the role.
“That old naff Charles wouldn’t know comedy if it bit him in the breeches!” remarked Geraldson “Beanson-Toast” Scallywankershire-shrop: the former
resident jester at Buckingham for the past 46 years.
Scallywanker-shireshrop informed The Record of some reasons for his sudden dismissal, noting that he was forcibly removed from the palace by two royal guards.
“Honestly, it was just like the movies, where the King claps his hands and the servant gets dragged out. I thought I was going straight to the dungeon, but they stopped using those back in ‘89. They just took me to the office where I got the pink slip instead. It was all very theatrical,” he described.
“Beans-on-Toast” became the court jester in 1979
at age 18, after the previous jester accidentally stepped on the back of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s shoe. When asked about working for the Queen, Scallywankershire-shrop gave insights to the differences in jestering both monarchs.
“Lizzie was scarier, that’s for sure… but she was easy to please. Truly, a knock-knock joke could have her cackling for an hour. Charles? Don’t even bother! I’m surprised I lasted more than a year. Camilla sent him an Instagram Reel one time and suddenly, my job is obsolete.”
According to the former jester, modern social media not only made his job more
difficult, but the entire art form of jestering impossible.
“Pies to the face? Unicycle riding? Funny pointy hats? Bin it all! The only content nobles want anymore are ‘mukbangs.’ Like… I mean… I could do that for you, too, you know? I can eat. You want to watch 30-second skits on your phone?... I literally have a B.F.A. in Theatre… I could do it for you live! But no. It’s always ‘Jester! Fetch my phone and open YouTube Shorts!’”
Scallywanker-shireshrop clarified the reason for his dismissal, noting that he attempted to tell His Majesty a joke while doing a cartwheel, but accidentally
did so during His Majesty’s “TikTok-Time.” He did not elaborate on the attempted joke.
While graciously agreeing to be briefly interviewed, the former jester unfortunately did not tell every detail. When asked if he thought The Yale Record was funny, he responded “What is that? Aren’t you guys from TMZ?” before skipping away, juggling three clementines.
The Inter-Palace Jestering Arts Program was founded in 1107.
“NO BUT”
JIMMY: Hello, everyone! My name is Jimmy, and I am the president of the world’s first “No But” improv group! Now, to get us started, can someone please give me the name of a non-specific location?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Mountaintop!
JIMMY: Did I hear cast iron skillet? Going once, going twice… Alright! Looks like cast iron skillet it is. Now for some characters. Can someone give me a relationship? Nothing too descriptive.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Newlyweds!
JIMMY: Serial killers who are trying to murder each other but neither of them realizes it?
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: What?
JIMMY: Okie dokie! Ready, set, go!
Two members, VERONICA and SHERRYL, take the stage.
VERONICA: Oh boy this cast iron skillet really is burning my feet right now. Do you mind if I stab you?
SHERRYL: No, and we’re actually on the moon. And also I just stabbed you.
VERONICA: Thank God I wore my anti-stabbing space suit! Uh oh, it looks like you forgot your space suit. How are you gonna breathe?
SHERRYL: Why would I need to worry about that? It’s a beautiful day outside. Are you gonna finish those pancakes?
VERONICA: I think you mean waffles, mom.
SHERRYL: You were always my least favorite dog.
VERONICA: Meow!
A third member, STEVEN, rushes in.
STEVEN: EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND NOW! LET ME SEE THOSE HANDS!
VERONICA and SHERRYL start doing the worm.
SHERRYL: To Veronica. Say, you kinda remind me of that serial killer on the news. Siblings?
VERONICA: The only cereal I be killin’ is some Cap’n Crunch. Ain’t that right Cap’n?
STEVEN: How could you say that? You know my mother just passed. God, you make me sick. Runs off the stage crying.
VERONICA: What’s his problem?
JIMMY: Aaaaand scene! Wow, that was some pretty spectacular stuff, guys! What you said about Steven’s mom was messed up though, Veronica. We don’t tolerate that kind of toxic behavior here. This is a safe, secure space.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: I HAVE A BOMB STRAPPED TO MY CHEST!
The theater blows up—the end.
—T. Harris
—A. Hammer
OUR FAVORITE FAMILY FEUD QUESTIONS
—S. Spaner
PARTY SHOOTERS
—K. Hur
DOING A BORAT IMPRESSION AT MY WIFE’S FUNERAL
Jokes: Some people love ’em, some people hate ’em. If you’re my insane witch mother-in-law, Joan, you apparently hate them enough to throw a 10-pound ceramic vase at your daughter’s grieving husband. MY WIFE loved the Borat impression I did on our first date and at our wedding, so it only seemed right that it would play some part in her funeral. Here is the speech I gave:
“Hello, my name Clint. When MY WIFE die white water rafting on the Colorado River, I say, ‘Oh no, now I am having to find new woman for me to enjoy time with!’
Luckily, I am very good at sex, and having very good senses of humor, so I will find new wife the American way very fast. Please come to me after funeral proceeding, and we talk about large dowry
of goat and modern DVD player with your father. MY WIFE was very beautiful woman and make many other men very jealous. Her cooking very good lamb, which I will miss very much, but her plow skills not so good in the farmlands. Instead of working in field, she is always running in the street, saying ‘la, la, la, doodie doo,’ yes. My fields are, how you say, very barren, so I am needing new wife to plant crops before winter is coming. Thank you very much.”
I thought this speech was a great way to bring some levity to an otherwise grim situation. Unfortunately I am no longer allowed into the cemetery where my wife was buried and Joan has issued a restraining order against me. However, my wife’s uncle approached me and offered me a new woman for only 10 goats, so things are starting to look up. Very nice!
—A. Hagens
THE SIDE EFFECTS OF BEING AS FUNNY AS A RECORDIAN
Last semester, I joined The Yale Record. Usually, when I tell people about my involvement with The World’s Only Magazine, they praise me: “Wow, you must be so funny, I could never!” or, “I just saw your most recent publication and laughed uncontrollably!” Though I totally expected to be famous after joining, there have been a few things I’ve had to adjust to. After all, with great fame comes consequences…
1. Privacy = Gone!
Long gone are my days of grabbing a quick, incognito meal in Silliman. Never again will I be able to peacefully study in Sterling Library or have a coffee chat at Atticus. Wherever I go, people point or take photos. They must love my work!
While I truly appreciate the love and support I have received from my fans on campus, it can get exhausting… Just the other day, as I was introducing myself to someone, he said to me: “Hey, aren’t you that guy who harassed me in Bass Café about buying Record merch?” I can’t let my loyal fans down, so I just pretended to remember him.
2. Say Goodbye to Normal Conversations!
Before my time writing humor, I enjoyed participating in class, meeting new people, and interacting with friends at social events. Unfortunately, now that I’m objectively the funniest person on campus, conversing will never be the same.
Every time I open my mouth, people laugh. It doesn’t matter where: raising my hand to answer in lecture? The whole class is laughing. Introducing myself to mutual friends? They’re chuckling and snickering, immediately! The person at the Acorn chortled even when I ordered my coffee. This would make most people feel insecure, but since I’m in the Record I know that everyone is laughing with me, not at me. Laugh away, friends and fans! There’s more where that came from!
3. My Humor is Just Too Advanced!
I thought I was funny before I joined the Record, but boy, was I wrong. After beginning to write comedy and develop my craft, my sense of humor and comedic timing have become way too complex and advanced for the commonwealth.
While everyone laughs when I say basically anything, whenever I try to actually crack a joke, I’m met with blank stares! I guess nobody understands the deep nuances and
complexities of a well-crafted quip. That’s fine, though: humor isn’t for everyone. We can’t all call ourselves the funniest people on campus!
The Yale Record is the perfect place for any up-andcoming comedian. Keep all of this in mind, and you’ll be ready to hit the big leagues like me.
—L. Rael
ANTI-RECORD FIZZ POSTS
“Anonymous” 1yr
Dude wtf is the Record even about anymore? Surely not satire.
“Anonymous” 6mo
Why did the Record come out against IVF? Is it really their place to do that?
“Anonymous” 1mo
If you ferment copies of the Record in a mason jar for three months, the alcohol produced will make you so blind that you’ll never have to read the Record again! Recipe in the comments.
“Anonymous” 3yr
Just broke up with someone on the Record! Never before in my life have I met anyone so woefully hopeless, insecure, and unhygienic. All of them are like this. Disgusting.
“Anonymous” 2mo
I used to be friends with the Record’s Editor-In-Chief. Whenever I would call her out for making an offensive joke (which was all the time btw) she would start screaming, “HUUUUH? HUUUUH?” while wiggling her fingers in my face. These people are sick.
“8_Inch_King” 1hr M4F, nobody on the Record pls
HOW TO BE FUNNY
—T. Harris
Hmm… uh… you say the joke and… look, my dad wrote for the Record and I joined because he made me.
[URGENT] HR WORKPLACE CONDUCT UPDATE - EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
I hope you had a restful winter vacation (this may have included but is not limited to: a mindful Kwanzaa, a happy Hanukkah, and/or a merry Christmas!) I am touching base with you regarding some changes to our workplace conduct policies for the new year.
In response to companywide surveys, we have set new guidelines for what types of jokes are appropriate for the workplace:
“Your mom” jokes:
• Now reserved for employees who have taken our optional (but highly recommended) maternal sensitivity training.
“Sexually flirtatious” jokes:
• Now only reserved for attractive and charismatic employees (please see attached chart) so as not to come off as creepy and weird.
“Dead family member / close friend / acquaintance” jokes:
• Permitted in limited circumstances under the Coping Mechanisms clause in the HR Handbook.
• Also permitted if the death was caused by a funny-sounding illness or cartoon-esque accident.
Thank you for complying with these changes, and Happy New Year!
Kitty Smith, VP of Human Resources
Bain & Company
1114 6th Ave 43rd Floor, New York, NY 10036
—A. Misner
[WRITTEN TRANSCRIPT OF @ BANANNERD_UR_MOM’S TIKTOK VLOG TITLED “#SCURVYGANG]
What the freak is up boys? It’s me, Bananathan the Banannerd. So, as you guys know, I keep it real with my Nanner Fam. I might seem like the chillest, hottest banana freak out there, but sometimes, things are hard for me too. Like last night.
Let me set the scene: I’m at the funkiest club in town, FruitE. There’s a bad bunch of ladies to my left, a group of dudes popping potassium pills to my right, and the DJ is trippin’ on Gros-Michel flavored percs. I was having
the time of my life, but Nanner Fam, I’m going to get vulnerable for a sec: your boy hasn’t been eating his fruits or veggies. I have scurvy. I am a scurvy warrior.
[Transcript pauses as @Banannerd_ur_mom wipes a glistening tear from his sparkling eye]
Let me educate y’all. Scurvy causes a skin condition; think bruising, blue and red spots, dry skin. But dudes, we all know the best banana bread comes from ripe fruit with a li’l discoloration. I will not let my freaking scurvy skin keep me from seducing and saucing the ladies. So, I walk up to this fine thang. Dark hair, full lips, her curves were out of this world. I say, “Hey gurl, what’s your name?” She says, “Pearina.” I use all my best lines on her, she’s laughing, I’m thinking everything is going well. Until… I lean in for a smooch.
Perina, in the dark room, hadn’t seen my scurvy skin yet. As the strobe light lit up yellow, she saw me. And also, coincidentally, went into shock. She started screaming, foaming at the mouth. I took this as a good sign, like she was so eager she couldn’t hold that shit back.
She leaned on me and I fell over. She was stumbling around, dizzy for the ’nanaman. Dawgs, Pearina slipped on me and fell to the floor.
[Another tear rolls down @ Banannerd_ur_mom’s scurvy riddled cheek]
FruitE has banned me forever, Nanner Fam. And boys, I don’t know why. So, each Saturday night I’ll peel around the block and hang out by the clerb anyway. The ladies want me for real. Whenever they be leaving the club, they can’t help but fall at my feet.
—A. Siciliano
FUNNY LOOKING GUY
HUMOR IN 2125
In the year 2125
If humor’s still alive
If the Record can survive
You will find…
In the year 2225
Children will be born, opening their eyes
When they’re born, some will say, here’s the thing “Wow, bro really missed everything.”
In the year 2325
Brainrot won’t be something to despise Rizz’ll be our education
Mandatory for kids above ten
In the year 2425
Humor will meet its end, it will die
Nothing will be funny anymore
Every joke, The Simpsons will have said before
In the year 2525
We will laugh so hard, that we will cry We’ll remember, come back to the screen
The “Big Chungus” from 2018
In the year 2610
If Earth still turns, it’ll be a funny place by then
People will laugh, but it’ll be a symptom when They’ve succumbed to the radiation
In the year 2810
Not one joke will be written with a pen
Even with all our advanced technology
The funny bone will disappear from our biology
In the year 2995
I can’t say if humor will be still alive
A lot will happen between now and then
Once the world is conquered by lil’ aliens.
Now it’s been one thousand years
Man has cried a billion tears
Some from laughter, it is true
Some for other reasons too
But through the eternal night
The twinkling of starlight
The jokes we make today
Will be different from yesterday
—T. Schiminovich
COMEDY IS LIES!
This may be controversial, but I have stayed silent for too long. It is time for me to live my truth and just say it:
I HATE COMEDY!!!!!!
I hate comedy so much I want to eat this so-called “The Onion” whole. It’s just insecure people making up lies to get other people to like them, and for some dastardly reason, it works! Whenever I bring this up with anyone, they just make weird sounds with their mouths (I think they called it “laughing” but I’m not sure what that means). They tell me I’m being dramatic, but I promise this is serious.
I was once a fan of the Record myself, especially that section at the beginning with all the little headlines. It was my favorite way to read the news. But get this: none of those are true. None! The Record is lying to us and we are letting them! This is just like when I found out that SNL wasn’t showing me actual footage from the White House and instead just “actors.” I am beyond pissed off. I’m just about ready to send a strongly worded email to the next person who tells me a “joke” (aka a LIE!). This “comedy” thing must be stopped. So, I invite everyone reading to join me in burning every copy of the Record and scattering the ashes into the ocean. For the good of the world, truth must prevail.
—S. Lanz
WHAT IS FUNNY?
— A. Hammer
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT CANADA
Don’t think about it. Don’t even fucking think about it.
I know that in October you said to your friends, “if he’s elected again, I’m gonna pack up and move up there!” I know that you skimmed the fifteen New York Times emails you got this morning about some crazy shit going down in Washington, and I know that you turned your piggy little eyes up to God, and you saw Canada.
But guess what: we don’t want you. Sorry! (Pronounced like “glory.”)
Don’t even think about running your ass up to Canada. Our nation’s project (pronounced like a “rogue jet” coming across the border on its way to China) is not Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. You can keep that bullshit. Our whole shtick is Peace, Order, and Good Government (pronounced like “socialism but not in a cool way”). You Americans with your capitalistism and progress (pronounced like a big green “ogress”) –– you just ruin everything, like health care and monarchy.
Speaking of which, remember the Queen of England? Well, we still have her on our $1 and $2 coins (called loonies and toonies, because duh). We’re not even British anymore and she’s dead, but you know what? We’re happy that way. So don’t even think about Canada when you pull out your filthy, rippable, non-neon dollar bills to pay for your gynecology appointment or start a nuclear war. We. Don’t. Want. You. Sorry! (Pronounced like “statutory.” Yeah, we have that too.)
Don’t even think about coming to Canada, because it would disrupt global trade, motherfucker. Everyone knows we’re supposed to ship YOU stuff: oil, maple syrup, Lorne Michaels, Justin Beiber, the dream of a barely-functional single-payer healthcare system! We don’t get anything from you, like not even economic stability or Walmart or global safety or TV
or something to talk about. So don’t even think about coming to Canada. You’d fuck everything up for all 40 million of us. That’s like fucking everything up for all of California, or fucking everything up for 4 people per square kilometer, which is like a polite mile.
You’re also probably not even allowed here. We don’t do Jews (or at least the loud ones)*, and Italians can’t go to Vancouver, which is like racist San Francisco, and gays can only go to Vancouver, or that one neighborhood of Toronto, which is like New York –– or as one New Yorker told me, “...but not?!” So don’t even think about Canada if you’re one of those.
And you’d have to learn how to say Saskatoon and remember that it’s NOT the capital of the beautiful province of Saskatchewan, dipshit. That’s Regina (pronounced like, Mr. Private Gynecologist, what’s wrong with my “vagina”?). They only do white people there, because their culture is too rich for foreigners like you to understand. You wouldn’t even appreciate their milk sold in bags like cow udders, or butter that doesn’t come in sticks, or candy that is –– like our history –– either British, American or a knock of one of the two. You wouldn’t even get it. So don’t fucking think about coming to Canada.
Do you speak French? No? Well, in that case, you could actually come here, because we don’t either, according to the Quebecois –– who also don’t speak French, according to the French.
In summation: keep your fucked-up American bullshit out of our perfect, globally relevant, immigrant-friendly utopia and watch your country burn in hell from your side of Niagara falls, which is, objectively, the worst side of Niagara falls. Don’t even think about Canada.
Sorry! (Pronounced like “shit, Trudeau is Trump’s bitch now.”) Don’t. Fucking. Think. About. Canada.
*This piece was written by a Jewish woman.
— M. Kohn
—G. Buchta
AS SEEN ON TV: TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET CATTLE PROD™
Cattle-ranching no longer scratching that itch? Can’t watch movies ‘cause you’re too busy #farmliving? Has it been years since you last saw your wife naked? If you answered yes to any of these questions — boy, do I have the product for you! Introducing… the Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™!
Hi, my name is Mitch McConnell — no relation — and if there’s one thing I love more than prodding cattle, it’s Timothée Chalamet. But if you’re like me, there isn’t a movie theater anywhere near your ranch in Waupaca, Wisconsin. Even worse, your wife won’t buy you a new TV because you smash ‘em whenever the Green Bay Packers lose. How else am I supposed to stream Dune: Part 2 on HBO Max, Elaine?
The Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™ solves both of these incredibly common problems and more! The Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™ comes with a detachable picture of Timothée Chalamet that you can look at while tasing cows. Choose your picture from a selection of Timothée Chalamet’s most recognizable roles, including but not limited to: Willy Wonka, Paul Muad’dib Atreides, and Kyle Scheible from Lady Bird.
The Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™ also comes with a built-in speaker that says a classic Timothée Chalamet quote whenever you zap a heifer. Some of my favorites include:
I am Paul Muad’dib Atreides, Duke of Arrakis!
I am Willy Wonka Wonka, Chocolatier of Oom pa-Loompa land!
Sup, girl. I’m Kyle Scheible. Straight-up, you be lookin’ like a bird, lady. Imma call you lady bird. Wait! There’s more! My son showed me how to use ChatGPT last week, and ever since, I’ve been using it to talk to Timmy. Problem is, I can’t bring my personal computer outside when I need to electro cute a ruminant. But for just $79.99 a month extra, your Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™ can be AIcompatible! Thanks to AI, I’ve never had so much fun torturing livestock!
Cows aren’t the only beasts of burden I use my Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™ on. That’s right — I’m talking about my penis! Sadly, I haven’t been able to pleasure my wife in years due to moderate to severe erectile dysfunction. That’s where Timmy comes in. Nothing gets me more rock-hard than stimulating my genitals with a cattle prod that sounds like Timothée Chalamet. Thanks for saving my marriage, Timmy!
The Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™ makes farming fun again, but don’t just take it from me! Take it from our highly satisfied customers, who, unlike Mr. Chalamet, aren’t actors:
“I love my Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™! I’ve never felt so Oscar-worthy while frying bovine!”
“The Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™ is almost like the real thing, except that it shoots lightning at terrified squealing animals.”
“Which line? You want me to say — we’re rolling? Ok, ehem. ‘You might as well be a virgin if you haven’t used the Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™ in the bedroom!’ God, that’s so stupid. I need a cigarette.”
So what are you waiting for? Buy a Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™ today!
Potential side effects include 1st-degree burns, 2nddegree burns, 10th-degree burns, skin rashes, osteoporosis, necrosis, death, rigor mortis, and chlamydia, exactly in that order. The characters used in Timothée Chalamet Cattle Prod™ are purely fictional and are not based on any real persons. Timothée Chalamet has
— T. Harris
— E. Chen
Ask Old Owl!
Dear Old Owl,
Everyone’s always called me the teacher’s pet, and I don’t know how to shake the reputation. I often make myself laugh in the shower, and I think I could be a good class clown, but Jeremy has always been the funniest kid in class. What should I do?
Dear Owlet,
Trust me, I’ve been there. I was the teacher’s pet for a brief stint in ’92, when I was sold into captivity by the good people of PetSmart, and was the adored mascot of a 2nd grade class until I bribed the guards (Polly and Jimmy) to gain my freedom. What I did learn in that time, however, was the beautiful history of this nation reporting its triumphs in print, as all I had to entertain myself were the old New York Times issues placed in my cage as bedding every Monday and alternating Thursday. I can tell you one thing for certain — if you want to get rid of Jeremy, there’s nothing to convince someone to up and leave like the promise of a gold rush. Here’s the gambit: Every morning, cycle by Jeremy’s house, and switch the newspaper on his doorstep with one from 1849. Inevitably, Jeremy’s parents will become convinced that there is
presently a gold rush in San Francisco, and will take their clownish son with them in search of prosperity. It must be shower time, because you’re the only one laughing now. Plus, it sounds like there may be an opening for teacher’s pet. See you in homeroom.
Dear Old Owl, Knock knock.
Dear Owlet, Who’s there?
Dear Old Owl,
My name is Eric Patterson and I don’t know if I can trust the man that I’ve become. Every morning when the sun rises there is a knock upon my door, but when I go outside to see who is there, the door slams shut, nary a soul in sight. When I knock upon my own door to announce my return, it swings open, but when I enter, I am completely and fundamentally alone. Yet still I hear the knocking. How can this be?
Dear Owlet,
You stupid piece of shit. I’ve been stuck in your revolving door for days, and I’m suing for damages. It’s made of glass, Eric. Your door is made of glass.
Dear Old Owl,
Picture this: Saturday night, me and my boys, cracking some cold ones and getting lit as fuck until we feel comfortable being vulnerable. And when we do — magic. Everyone’s been saying it, and I’ve known it was in me since I was a young boy: Brother, it’s time we start a podcast. Is this the kind of thing you bring to Shark Tank, or is this a job for the homie Change.org?
Dear Owlet,
It is clear that the bond you share with your brothers is both beautiful and highly erotic. But in a time when every group of young men is starting a podcast, I’d suggest a more visual platform for your endeavours. Subscription only. I’d put down $10.99 a month to see you boys get vulnerable — hell, I’d mortgage the nest.
Booklets, Catalogs & Magazines
Square Fold Saddle Stitch & Perfect Binding
Event Printing & Signage
Your one-stop for printing, signage, direct mail, and marketing communications... since 1970.
27 Whitney Ave (corner of Grove) New Haven, CT 06510 203-776-6000 info@docuprintnow.com
Posters, Signs & Banners
Large Format Fabric Printing
Vinyl Custom Shape Stickers
Promotional Products
Ultra Fast Turnaround Time
Student & Nonprofit Discounts
High Quality Printing & Friendly Service!
