The Reconomist Issue

RHow Hillary can still win

Wealth

equality: a new evil?

Why we think the moon wants to kill you Panic! The financial crisis is now!

On the cover

As global temperatures continue to soar, humanity faces the all-important question: Will we allow the world to crack or will we soft boil it to perfection in 3-5 minutes?

Featured art

Mount Yassmore

The founding fathers get a facelift, page 8.

You’re not my real mom

The revenge of Elizabeth’s corgis, page 10.

Collusion

A bipartian affair, page 11.

London Bridge is falling down

The crown collapses, page 12.

Public service announcement

Gay can look like this too, page 14.

Just Donald: a self-portrait by 45 Big, beautiful hands and a smile to match, page 17.

Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Democrats and their vaccines, page 18.

The world this week

A summery of poltickle nooze from Mr. Reconomist’s best lidle boy

A summary of business news: OpenAI, Sephora, T-Swift, and more.

Leaders

Right on Rishi PMILF of our dreams

How Hillary can still win Thank the Salem witch trials

Finance and Economics

Peter Piper picked a peck too much

Pillaging Pepper Pike

A sheep needs its shepherd

A measured defense of the one percent

Panic! The financial crisis is NOW!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

The hottest new jobs of 2024

Coordinating is trending

Million dollar baby Making parenting profitable

Dirty deals

SEC investigation

Digging deep Responsible fracking

Culture

TikTok on the clock iParenting sweeps the nation

LGBTQueue

The national craze turning your kids gay

Shooting hoops

A tale of hope Buy low, sell high Ivy League eggs

Nuclear fishin’ Ecotourism in Chernobyl

Cut from Class ChatGPTeacher

Politics

Gimme gimme war Wars we’re hoping for in 2024

Veni vidi Vermont Learning from the Romans to win elections

Holy war Don’t poke the Pope

The reproductive right

The culture war and male birth control

Can we afford peace with China?

It’s complicated

Can we afford war with China?

Yes

Science and technology

The dark side of the moon

The tide is against us

Rain or Shein

The digital element of your subscription means that you can search our archive, read all of our daily journalism, and read exclusive online-only content. Visit yalerecord.org

Fashion controls the weather

Back to the mines

Juvenile crypto mining

Helo! Can belive it? Lidle old me, poltickle croissant dent for big fancy mackazine The Reconomist! How such humble tiny boy win prize position like this 1 which mine? Well, I have the ory. I have many the ory, in fact.

The Ory 1: I have good soul, kind eyes. The Ory 2: I can not “read” and, they’re fore, am unbiased reproter. The Ory 3: I can count up two 3! The Ory ?: My papa, Mr Reconomist, see great great potenshul where other “established mackazine” never thnk to look! But I no ask why, Never ask how. I only ask, “Papa, can I be big nooze boy, ride artickle, wear fancy cap?” And Papa tell me — “yes!” And for free!!

Now… may ask untradishnaly qualfied poltickle croissant dent such as me: “if no read, how croissant poltickly?” Thank you for queschion reeder, I wonder this mself from timety time. If me trying to “yank the chains” as we say in biz, I tell you “polticks not just reeding and riding, polticks found on coroner of every streat, spred by mouth word, something you no deep down in soul.” This, of coarse, Big Lie! The tooth, reeder? Parphrase New York Time Paper, and publish 1 day late!

But bad, bad nooze in whorld of poltick. This weak end, New York Time Paper never deliver to my howse :( I sit on stoop all day, I sit on stoop all night. I chase and yell at paper boy on lidle bike and judge give me 10 hours communey service for disturbance of pees. I fire intern who read me New York Time Paper, and make cup of warm milk to calm down the Nerve. So, what in whorld happening, in manor of polticks? Here is… best gues!

On left hand, Gob Iden. Erica love Gob best friend Obma, love Gob best friend Obma for ate hole years! Gob have very beautiful suit. Was handsem man, when young. Some time, this enough to love Gob. Me think wood be mean to make Gob Iden and intelligent wive change howse after only 4 year. Erica shood let Gob renew leese, keep nuclear code unctil his babies go collidge.

On not left hand, Donshall Mump. Mr. Mump big old biz man, say loud word on hit TV show “The Pretentious.” Donshall successfully start fitnis movement of climb govermint wall if angry, make large person (the free) into less large person (the climb if angry). Mump no how sad it feel to pack all his purse and all belongings into box after 4 year, has already dun this wunce. But Mump still want Iden to pack up same howse after 4 year. Maybe Mump want connect, bond over common intrest? Mump saggy like Gob, wear beautiful suit like Gob two. Maybe Mump and Gob not as diffrent as all think — maybe could be best friends. But Gob already have best friend. So instead, moderated TV war.

Who will Erica pick? I tell you next weak when I read anser in New York Time Paper.

Canda:

Hmm… probably same as an Erica. Maybe little nicer, and wearing fur coat.

The Unty State, an Erica:

An Erica big, big country! Span two many miles to see, but have hunch it far bigger than could ever dreem. Home to large person (the free) and family dog (the brave). Run by saggy men in beautiful suit. But which saggy man get to run laps in oval office? Now, THAT what every Erica want to no.

Chins:

Last week, New York Time Paper call Chins “globby superpower.” But which superpower? Teleport? Flies? Bisexual? Could be any thing. And how globby? THAT is what Chins not want Erica to no.

Chins and Erica have fone call and gab. Chins say “I have bomb, you have munny.” Erica say “noooo, I have bomb, you have munny.” Chins say “Well, I flot space ball oon.” Erica say “Without me ;)” This go on for several owers, until evenshully, Chins agree to hang up.

Mexco:

I never see Mexco country, can not gues even how big, but I love movie from Mexco yes I do yes I do. Me? Am still lerning NOT eat sand, even if seem warm as cup of milk and like good idea. People in movie from Mexco know not eat sand alredy. For me this… inspiring.

How polticks? In Mexco?? Hmm… probably same as Canda, but with warm filter over all of scenes.

The Unty King Kong: Old country, hated by many! But to me and Papa? Home.

Who leeder of Unty King Kong? Well, this change MANY time, but last week New York Time Paper say “Rich Bassoon Sack.” Rich Bassoon Sack kind of like Gob Iden, but wear Adidas Samba with beautiful suit

and have offis that is normel room shape. Bassoon Sack LOVE people from other country, love so much that he cell and brate them with free crooze. Som peepole say crooze NOT lukshury crooze, akshully “atrocious violation of human rights and a continuation of the immoral, colonialist practices that have led to the Unty King Kong’s immense accumulation of wealth, and actively destabilized and pillaged once flourishing communities, thereby driving the very immigration it seeks to deter.” So why peepole of Unty King Kong still vote 4 Sack? Tacks break :(

Polticks

Torry of Unty

Poltickle climb it VERY tents in Papa Reconomist House. Full meedia black out following no New York Time Paper delivery on sunday. Crime rayt sky rock it following eledged harasmint of local paper boy. But not all is lossed — volundteering threw the roof as local heero steps up todo 10 owers of communey service soully out of goodnis of hart.

However, tradgidy in communey. Umpimploymint reach 50 pursent after Papa read isteemed poltickle croissant dent sea from best lidle boy in world, and lay him of for “illidressy.”

Thisses an ongo wing stirry.

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Chad: Love that guy!!

Terry

King Kong — Papa Reconomist House

Andrew

The world this week Business

Daniel Wang & Devika Kothari

In a joint press release, five multinational corporations unveiled new DEI firing policies. All five CEOs have announced their commitment to fire one “non-DEI” employee for every DEI employee hired, thus doubling the diversification produced by each DEI hire. “It is time to seek diversity from within, not just without,” claimed their spokesperson. “Research shows that more good things plus fewer bad things results in better things. We’re letting the math speak for itself in pursuit of a better society.”

OpenAI CEO Sam Altman announced the development of ChatGPT-5, which features a free, virtual therapist mode. “Here at OpenAI, we recognise that wellbeing shouldn’t lie behind a paywall,” affirmed Altman in a recent statement to the press. “We strive to do what real therapists don’t: put the power to be well into your hands. No more paying therapists exorbitant amounts to simply hear what you already knew about yourself, that you should “spend less time on screens and be medicated for your psychopathic tendencies.” No more spending years searching for the right fit. No more letting someone in before watching them tear your life to shreds, steal your Peacock password, and condition you to bark each time you sip red wine.” Altman and his partner, a successful therapist and wine connoisseur, reportedly parted on amicable terms last week.

Sephora came under public scrutiny for testing its makeup products on several species

of monkeys. Animal rights organizations warned that chimpanzees wearing makeup may become too beautiful to distinguish from humans. Anthropologist Joseph Robinson of the Brookings Institution argued that serving face is a fundamental right for humans and monkeys alike, but when further questioned, screamed “OOH OOH AH AH” and disappeared into the canopy.

Taylor Swift recently acquired United Airlines after her boyfriend Travis Kelce chewed up the leather upholstery of her private jet. This is Swift’s latest move in a series of

airline-related-purchases, including acquiring the JFK Airport and renaming it to the “Tay-tay and Travypoo Airport” for her one month anniversary. Swift claimed the acquisition was necessary for transporting her recording equipment from her bedroom to her personal studio, located three miles away, near the center of the Swift estate.

Eli Lilly demonstrated its commitment to sustainability by replacing its typical plastic packaging with biodegradable materials. In a press release, CEO David Ricks declared, “This significant step forward

Damning demographics

in our commitment to environmental sustainability would not be possible without the unwavering financial assistance of the diabetic community. We thought the cost would be our biggest hurdle, but the additional funds we’ve received from tripling insulin prices really demonstrated the communal support for our vision.” ProjectPlanet, the company behind the innovative material, claims it is cheaper to produce than regular plastic and is also not biodegradable.

Prime Candidates

RIGHT ON RISHI

Michael Yao and Bipul Soti

PM Sunak is up for re-election; here’s why we stand with the PMILF of our dreams

1: HE AND HIS WIFE EAT BABIES. Let’s face it — the NHS is woefully overburdened. If we don’t take some compensatory measures, it’s bound to fail. Rishi and his wife Akshata have been hard at work eating infants and toddlers all around the Commonwealth, easing the future load on Britain’s healthcare system.

2: HE DOESN’T RELY ON EXTERNAL RICH DONORS. Politicians these days are so out-of-touch! Starmer, Corbyn, and their goons spend all day wooing their sponsors at croquet games. Rishi knows that British success begins with the family — which is why he relies so heavily on his Infosys in-laws’ money.

3: IF YOU HELP OUT, HE MAY EAT OUT. Given his cabinet, it’s not hard to see Rishi’s fondness for ass. Ultimately, Britons need a way out of their year-round, 600year long seasonal depression. So, why not invite ol’ Rishi in to give you a little bedtime Tory?

Slay-ed queen

Natasha Weiss

4: HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE A SEATBELT. He doesn’t know how because he doesn’t need one; he’s going to get the country back on track. On a train. HURRAH FOR (PRIVATIZED) PUBLIC TRANSIT!

5: HE WILL TAKE US ON AN ALL-EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO RWANDA. The Honourable Suella Braverman, in a magnanimous colonialism reparations scheme, has announced a plan to send historically impacted peoples on an exotic, all-expenses paid trip to Central Africa.

6: HE HAS NO WORKING-CLASS FRIENDS. In fact, he has no friends at all! Insider trading? He’s never been invited inside by anyone! Extreme partisan? He’s never been to a party! It’s all out of pity of course. It would be so tacky to tell people that you’re friends with the Rishi Sunak.

7: HE WILL END COLONIALISM. Unlike other men, he might actually say sorry.

Rishi Sunak, Prime Minister of the U.K.

Piggy banking

Caroline

Politics & witchery

How Hillary can still win

Andrew Cramer

(Thanks to a Law from the Salem Witch Trials)

Just seven years, five months, two weeks, three days, four hours, twenty minutes,

and thirty-two seconds after Arizona poll workers tallied their last ballots, Jack Stokes and Jason Alesina, two analysts from liberal-leaning think tank Elitists for America, have uncovered an arcane proceeding in the United States legal code that could, at long last, grant Hillary Clinton the keys to the White House.

Clinton, who leaders from the liberal think tank She Was Robbed deemed the “deserving winner in 2016,” lost by an alleged 304–227 margin in the Electoral College. Or so we believed. According to Stokes and Alesina’s paper, an esoteric law last used in the Salem Witch Trials is at the

center of her case.

Title VII Section 13.13 of the U.S. Legal Code, more commonly referred to as the “Burn the Witches Provision,” states that “any woman who can swim, start a fire, or otherwise survive in the wilderness without the assistance of a man shall be considered in the eyes of the law a witch.” While nearly all other sections of Title VII were overturned towards the end of the Salem Witch Hunt, Section 13.13 remains firmly entrenched in American jurisprudence.

Although there is no record of any woman standing trial for witchcraft in the past three decades, if Clinton were to gain such a label, she could plausibly invoke a never-before-used clause of Article II, Section 1 of the Constitution, which states,

“Each State shall appoint… a Number of Electors, equal to the whole Number of Senators and Representatives to which the State may be entitled in the Congress… Unless one of the candidates is legally adjudicated to be a supernatural being, in which case, the election shall be determined by calculating the percentage each candidate receives of the popular vote, multiplying by their votes in the electoral college, and then dividing by each candidate’s age combined with the age of their spouse, and adding 50 to the incumbent party’s tally.”

Per Stokes and Alesina’s calculations, which the Reconomist independently verified, this secondary protocol would give Clinton a narrow 128.72–119.78 victory, allowing her to finally claim the keys to the White House, although it would fall to one of the most conservative courts in American history to determine if a witch qualifies as a supernatural being. Several leading legal scholars believe that the case would be a no-brainer, potentially even gaining

unanimous support if Justice Clarence Thomas reverses course on his infamous decision from the notorious United States v. Ghostbusters (2012) case.

Two final roadblocks may hinder Clinton’s path: The term for which Clinton was vying has technically concluded, and there are conflicting reports about whether the former Secretary of State can meet one of the three requirements of swimming, starting a fire, or wilderness survival necessary to trigger these protocols.

Hillary Clinton, presidential witch candidate

Utermann

Peter Piper picked a peck too much

Daniel Wang

Pickling the Pepper Pike Pundit

PETER PIPER, the previously-prominent pickled-pepper-picking pundit, has pleaded peccant to plenty of punishments for picking plethoric portions of pickled peppers in Pepper Pike, Ohio.

Per the people of Pepper Pike, Peter Piper posed as a peckish pilgrim, pleading for a pinch of pickled peppers. The purported pilgrim proceeded to procure a preposterous passel of pickled peppers, patently passing the portions proper for a peckish pilgrim. Provincials proclaim they perceived Piper possessing a peculiarly plump pack but presumed the purpose of Piper’s pack was protecting Piper’s pet peacock. Piper also purportedly pickpocketed plenty of peppers from pockets of pepper-picklers while parting Pepper Pike.

Piper’s pickle-pinching preceded a period of pitfalls in Pepper Pike. Pickled-pepper production plummeted as pickle prognosticators predicted a paucity in pickled peppers. Plunging pickle prices placed the profitability of pepper-pickling in peril. Properly, people of Pepper Pike protested pro-picking protections for propagators of prohibited pickled-pepper picking. Proponents of “pickle-pinchers” pelted peppers as piles of “prick-punchers” paraded the paths and parkways, pressuring politicians to part from pro-pickle-pinching patrons.

Present-day progressive pepper-picking propositions pose parleys on particularly pitiless penalties for prosecuted pepper-pickers, like pellet-peppering, pebble-pummeling, and prolonged prison pronouncements.

Pepper Pike police have proposed a panoramic plan to preemptively prevent prospective pickle-pinching. This plan promises proactive patroling of pinching-prone partitions and proliferates protection of pickle-producing properties, particularly pertaining to pepper-pickling.

At press programming, Peter Piper peclined po pomment.

Monetary advice

Panic! The financial crisis is NOW

Terence Harris

Hope isn’t the only thing that’s been lost

PANIC, PANIC, and pack your bags. The financial crisis is finally upon us. This morning, I woke up to find my wallet had vanished into thin air.

For years, leading experts have predicted a financial crisis. Last night, stocks were high, and life was good. It was my 30th birthday, and MeeMaw gave me a $2 bill to “treat myself.” Now, all I want to treat myself to is a night of heavy drinking and regret.

Dumber newspapers may claim that panicking is unhelpful, but I see no alternative. Where will I put my BevMo coupons? Where will I store my gambling money? Where will I keep my Legoland driver’s license?

I FaceTimed MeeMaw in case she knew where my wallet was. Carl, my favorite BevMo clerk, answered the phone. He was wrapped in a blanket and smoking a cigarette. “Where’s MeeMaw?” I inquired. Carl motioned toward the window, revealing the glittering Las Vegas skyline — I knew it all too well. “Gambling to pay for our marriage license,” he explained. Marriage? In this economy? With MY money?

Readers, this could happen to you. As a qualified staff writer for The Reconomist, I advise you to scream, set fire to many things, and — most importantly — withdraw all of your money from the banks all at once.

The wealth gap

A sheep needs Its shepherd

Sofia Morfin

Why economists are calling for reduced wealth equality

FOR

A LONG, long time, the one percent has been taking more than their fair share of the American pie. But is that such a bad thing? We sat down with Norman Hubble, winner of the 2023 Nobel Memorial Prize of Economics, to understand why economists are encouraging governments to promote “Winners Initiatives” (WI). Hubble won the Nobel for his paper “A Sheep Needs Its Shepherd” (currently only available for purchase through Amex Platinum), a treatise that, according to a review by Reaganomics Quarterly, “revolutionizes our conception of ‘the little guy.’”

The shocking outcome of Hubble, Du Pont, and Rothschild’s 2022 research demonstrates an almost perfect positive correlation between a country’s Not-Fair Level (NFL) and their GDP per capita. Their analysis pinpoints three pillars of economic fortitude: motivation, job creation, and trickle-down economics.

Motivation

“Nothing says ‘get out of bed in the morning’ quite like the dream of owning a bathroom for each day of the week,” says Hubble. “When the sheep are confronted with their unhygienic singular bathroom, they strive, and when they strive, the

economy flourishes.”

Job Creation

Hubble et al. foresee an “Extravaganza of Job Creation” following implementation of WI. After all, regatta-racing yachts need crews, Hampton houses need chefs, and bonsai need trimming. Many hands make light work.

Trickle-Down Economics

If we redistribute from the Have-Nots to the Haves, we turn puddles into an Olympic swimming pool — with even more gold medals. When wealth trickles down, we want a downpour, not a drizzle. As Hubble so aptly explains, “it’s like holding water in your hands; you lose a lot less through the cracks when you have more water because if everyone has water in their hands they also all have cracks. This indicates that it is only logical for the shepherds to direct the flow.”

What’s a little inequality in the long run?

“The reality is, not everyone can handle the role of the shepherd. It isn’t all tens of sevens of bathrooms, groves of miniature trees, and expensive leak-proof hands; it’s a responsibility,” says Hubble. In his eyes, wealth inequality isn’t a problem; it’s the secret ingredient in the economic potion. “For too long we’ve allowed our governments to forget the first lessons of childhood: Life isn’t fair, and hands have too many cracks.”

Employment

The hottest new jobs of 2024

Devika Kothari

The most coveted positions of the modern workforce

DIRECTOR OF REPLY All Etiquette

Masters in English and/or Communications recommended.

Role: Must shoulder the monumental responsibility of sifting through all incoming communication and determining when it is appropriate to utilise the “reply all” function to respond to emails as opposed to the “reply” function. Highly qualified candidates may also be considered for the Chief of BCC Protocol position.

Chief of BCC Protocol

Past internship experience at FAANG recommended but not required. PhD in Library Sciences strongly encouraged.

Role: Must sincerely and cautiously alphabetize all emails to be BCC’ed in outgoing communications. [Note: given the sensitive nature of this position, it is predicted that most corporations will require chosen candidates to participate in a three-week BCC Bootcamp]

Pepper production

Executive President of Nomenclature Optimization

Flair and flamboyance mandatory. Must haveBCC Bootcamp.]

Executive President of Nomenclature Optimization

Flair and flamboyance mandatory. Must have published a minimum of one international bestseller.

Role: Must employ pizzazz in repurposing all job titles to ensure employees have the most impressive, majestic, acutely splendiferous sounding designations, and, more importantly, future difficulties applying to competing companies due to the obscurity of their professional responsibilities.

Director of Assistance

Must be a former CEO, letters of recommendation vehemently encouraged.

Role: Must oversee and direct all assistants in their administration, assisting assistants in aforementioned assistive tasks when assisting assistants is necessary.

Chaos Coordinator

Candidates who served as court jesters in past lives are encouraged to apply.

Role: Must engage in light tomfoolery and shenanigans to boost workplace morale, thereby creating enough pandemonium to keep staff on their tippity toes.

Workplace Juggler

Any resemblance this title bears to circus frivolity is purely coincidental. Prior circus performers are discouraged from applying, and

Mount Yassmore

Alexa Druyanoff

looked down upon generally.

Role: Must juggle responsibilities, a work life-balance, and personal and collective goals. On occasion, juggling balls may be deemed acceptable, under the Chaos Coordinator’s supervising gaze.

Infant economics

Million Dollar Baby

Nava Feder

Making parenthood profitable

SINCE THE 2008 RECESSION, birth rates in the United States have fallen by over 23%. With so few new Americans being born each year due to the financial infeasibility of raising children, our country is at risk of losing its status as Biggest, Strongest, and Sort Of Crowdedest. Worse, with dwindling demand for tiny adorable shoes — our greatest American product — our economy, the very foundation of our democracy, and this hallowed publication, will soon begin to suffer. According to a recent study, by 2050, we may run out of little people to use their little hands to run all of our little machines.

Even worse, the children who have been born all have names that are so mundane and unrhymable that school bullying, another great American staple, has reached an all time low. Recent parents report a lack of

personal creativity to combat this national evil.

“I wish I could have named my child Blue Ivy or Pilot Inspektor,” confessed one ashamed parent. “But when a human baby slid out of me, I panicked, and the only name I could think of was Emma.”

Luckily, a new market trend seems to provide an answer for these dull, impoverished parents. Many of America’s favorite brands have opted to divert marketing funds to pay off lawmakers in order to pay YOU to name YOUR child after their brand.

“I never wanted to have kids. But then some company — I signed an NDA, so I won’t name names — offered me a $5 million payoff just to name my son whatever they wanted, and I was all in!” shared new parent Jessica Smith. “I’m so happy with my decision.”

“I’m lovin’ it,” agreed 10 month old McDonalds, as he teethed on a fistful of cash.

Matthew Jackson is yet another satisfied parent. “It’s terrifying to think I could have named my kid something idiotic like Sam. But now, I have my perfect little Walmart Chipotle Jackson. And you know, Chipotle is a burrito store, so the name is, like, cultural.”

Emma Mason agreed. “I think my daughter’s name is gorgeous,” she said. “I actually don’t think I could’ve come up with a better name for her on my own. It’s just perfect. It’s just so her.”

At press time, three-month old ExxonMobil Mason refused to comment.

Me-tall-verse

Hailley Siswanto

Money crimes

Dirty deals

Emmet Houghton

SEC launches investigation into Botsen’s Gold Creek Securities after record-breaking first quarter

ALTHOUGH HE IS not much of a golfer himself, rookie asset manager Richard Botsen and his astonishing market savvy are seemingly the topics of discussion at every tee box in West Palm Beach. A quick glance at his portfolio suggests that course patrons aren’t far off the fairway with their praise. Just last week, Botsen’s Gold Creek Securities posted Q1 returns that outperformed the S&P 500 by over 12%, marking the fifth consecutive quarter in which Wall Street’s youngest CEO grossly exceeded market returns.

But the activities of one of Gold Creek’s subsidiaries have brought Botsen under federal scrutiny. According to the Securities and Exchange Commission, subsidiary InfluX (NASDAQ: IFLX) “comprises a significant share of the firm’s primary investment vehicle,” and mounting allegations imply that its executives could find them selves facing fraud charges for operating what could be the tech sector’s first pyramid scheme.

An analyst intern at The Reconomist ports that InfluX is the premier agency for aspiring online influencers. Signing with the agency means selling a 51% stake in one’s identity for access to InfluX’s lucra tive advertiser pipeline in perpetuity. Addi tionally, the onboarding program — which incidentally “does not conflict with stan dard middle school academic schedules” — requires newly recruited influencers to enroll in a six-week boot camp. The SEC investigation seems to be focused on this questionable orientation process. Prelimi nary case documents suggest that the brand may be misleading advertisers by requiring an ever-growing number of trainees to en gage extensively with existing clients’ so cial media profiles during onboarding.

The Reconomist reached out to several of the agency’s client influencers for com ment, who shed little light on the compa ny’s dubious practices. 16-year-old ava_ uwu claimed “[She] dk anything abt that. but if you want to get paid to lose weight, you should def check out organshare.com!”

Investors aren’t hanging up their fleece vests on this potential Ponzi ploy just yet, despite the release of the SEC’s initial find ings, which include Botsen’s plans for the hostile takeover of Adobe Photoshop™ and the purchase of a small island in the Ca ribbean. Closer inspection of Gold Creek’s accounting statements reveals that man agement considers the island “a strate gic necessity” for its “international server trafficking and exclusive private network soirees.”

When prompted for a statement regarding the investigation, Botsen told Reconomist reporters: “I’m sorry, but I can’t provide real-time information or opinions about events occurring after the upload of my latest training data.” The SEC might be swinging in sand traps here — Botsen’s game is anything but par for the course.

Oil

Digging deep

Avery Misner

Why fracking is okay if nobody lives there

WITH GLOBAL PRESSURE mounting to divest from fossil fuels, fracking has drawn increased scrutiny. However, a group of economists and researchers from the Omaha Institute of Liquid-Fuel (O.I.L) claim to have found the solution to ethical fracking.

We spoke to a senior Institute fellow

You’re

Jonathan D. Rockefeller, who explained O.I.L’s revolutionary insight that others in the industry have missed. Rockefeller acknowledged the pitfalls of traditional fracking, “Fracking has allegedly produced a few minor side effects — toxic drinking water, methane gas leaks, earthquakes, and other slight inconveniences magnified by the liberal elite.” However, O.I.L’s research team has found a way to eliminate all of these side effects. “What we have realized is that there are no real downsides to fracking, as long as nobody lives there!” This discovery has major implications on energy sector investment. With a revitalized, green image, investors may begin to rally behind these stocks.

Rockefeller explained that many petroleum companies had already begun implementing the Institute’s strategy. “Of course, we can’t control where underground gas reserves are found, but we can control where people live. That’s why the brains over at the consulting companies advised us to ‘bulldoze the shit out of

not my real mom

Harper Murray-Nelson

Botsen could only be reached for comment through the firm’s web interface.

any and all nearby homes.’” Some homeowners and local activists have questions and light concerns about what this means for their communities. “What the fuck are you doing? I live here! I’m eating my goddamn toast, and you just bulldozed into my kitchen. Did your mothers never teach you how to knock?” said Cynthia Johnsonn, a concerned single mother in San Antonio, Texas. Rockefeller reassured Johnsonn that “there is no reason to be worried about your neighborhood, because it won’t exist!” Assurances like these from industry experts are likely to ease all doubts about the future of fracking and could forcast an explosive second quarter for oil and gas stocks.

Policy makers in Washington D.C. have expressed an eagerness to see O.I.L’s approach implemented nationwide. Even President Joe Biden expressed great excitement at the implications of the recent breakthrough. “Since petroleum companies employing O.I.L’s strategies arrived in these communities, we’ve seen unemployment, truancy, and crime rates reduced to 0%. GDP per capita in these towns now tends towards infinity, since the oil companies dropped a dollar in the town square and divided it by the zero people who live there.”

When asked by reporters what he thought about oil deposits being detected under the White House, Biden responded “Well, it was due for a full remodel anyway.”

Collusion

The head of the snake

Oz Gitelson

Under the C Staff

Emma Upson

London bridge is falling down

Ainslee Garcia

Contemporary entertainment TikTok on the clock

Amelia Herrmann

Why iParenting is sweeping the nation

Every day we are presented with the conundrum of how to properly raise children. After all, they are our future, our investment in a spot at the nice retirement home, one with daily water aerobics with inappropriately young instructors, even in winter. Between the countless books and mommy bloggers on the internet, there is simply too much parenting advice to slog through. Thankfully, there is an alternative: TikTok.

This innovative parenting device has already condensed the breadth of human knowledge into a curated selection of clips no longer than 21 seconds. Why

teach your child physics in the classroom, when they can learn it from clips of “Young Sheldon” episodes? Why teach your child to share, when they can avoid sharing all together through the use of personal devices? Why teach them how to read, when subtitles already have audio over them? TikTok presents a new path forward in creating the most well-parented children of the new millennium. Children should be given unrestricted access to TikTok, so that busy parents can sit back and let their children parent themselves.

These utopian children will learn everything that a parent and au pair could teach them without individual biases, gaining a holistic view on the world as they swing between various radicalized viewpoints. While some opponents may insist on restricting the content that their children are able to access on TikTok, such restrictions will simply inhibit their ability to absorb knowledge. So while private school has long been the default option, many young

parents are now sending their children to this billion-student cyber school.

Some of these visionary parents have even chosen to limit their child’s interaction with their peers, due to the inherent inequality of their intellectual facilities. It can be quite jarring for an unToked child to interact with a brilliantly educated one. Instead of making snack time deals, the dim child will instead spend the entirety of the preschool networking event consumed with jealousy. Even worse, they may not even have a phone to hide behind.

Expert in the field of child intellectual development, Dr. Peter McBaggemup, recommends placing a simple brown paper bag over the TikToking Child’s head to limit the outside view of the perfect progeny. Dr. Angela McBoxemup, a rival expert in the field of child physical development, believes that the ideal environment for a child to be contained to is a three by three foot cube walled with screens continuously playing TikToks. This setup allows for one to minimize mansion floor space taken up by the child while enhancing the number of ASMR clips that can be played alongside clips of old TV shows. According to Dr. McBoxemup, “After 18 years of this parenting style, The Child will likely be a full grown adult.”

Sexuality and gender LGBTQueue

Sadie Lee

Why thousands are waiting in line to become gay

When Build-A-Queer opened its doors last January, owner Billy Bob-Bill knew he was taking a big leap. After all, a bull market can go bear as fast as a wild bull can disembowel a sleeping bear.

But now, over a year later, thousands of kids wait in line every day for the chance to become gay. On any given weekday, the queue outside Build-A-Queer’s flagship store in SoHo stretches around the block. Pre-teens, teens, and post-teens spend upwards of 14 hours waiting to discard their worn out heterosexuality for the more popular model.

But what exactly is driving this trend?

According to Bob-Bill, this is more than the latest fad: “Kids are thinking long term here, beginning to build their portfolios now instead of dabbling here and there in college. For some, Build-a-Queer feels like the natural next step now that grandma’s gotten used to their belly-button ring. For others, it’s just about making a practical investment.”

Recent trends support Bob-Bill’s theory, with the latest research pointing to a greater return on investment in queer relationships than straight ones. When polled over the course of a week, approximately 24.5% of the line said they were there to

lay the foundation for getting laid.

Whichever way the tide turns, it’s certain that Bob-Bill’s business model will remain straightforward so long as his clients don’t.

Americana and basketball Shooting hoops

Adam Hagens

How American athleticism and the Second Amendment saved this small town

InApril 1954, the small town of Hurricane, West Virginia was on the verge of collapse. Times were grim, and the town’s few remaining inhabitants were fleeing to greener pastures. Ever since the town’s last coal mine went belly-up in the late ’40s, all hope for the future had withered. All hope, that is, except for that found in the beautiful game of basketball.

What set the inhabitants of Hurricane apart was the shared love of basketball that ran through their thick, bulging, all-American veins. It was unsurprising, then, that the town would become the home of basketball’s next great innovation. On April 22, 1954, future basketball legend Magic “Bullet” Johnson debuted his new move on Hurricane’s public court, gunning down America’s conceptions of what humanity could achieve.

While Johnson was running up for a dunk, an opponent jumped in his path. In response, Johnson pulled his trusty Colt Cavalry Single Action Revolver out of his waistband and deftly blasted him in the chest with a move that would later be dubbed the “Shoot ‘n’ Scoot.” After exe-

Hands off my Grindr

Sophie Spaner

cuting his move and his opponent, Johnson took aim at the scoreboard, rendering the scores unreadable. The remaining players cowered in the corner of the court. The crowd went wild.

In every subsequent game, more and more players began to adopt Johnson’s innovation. The courts were bathed in the blood of the weak, while the strong and concealed-carry-licensed survived. The crowds came pouring in and so did the money. The town’s population tripled, then quickly halved.

Cornelius Fiddleswinker, an 87-yearold veteran of the sport, commented, “It was a different game back then. We were fast and loose with the rules, but we liked it that way.” He later went on to add, “I shot my cousin Joey in the knee thirteen times.”

Academic employment

Buy low, sell high

Avery Lenihan

Are ova the new Bitcoin?

As savings from Covid-19 dry up, fertile Yale students in their 20s are turning towards a lucrative new side hustle. A poster on campus calls for non-smoking, Ivy-educated eggs to create the next generation of magnet-school kids. The couple soliciting the soon-to-be embryos offer significant monetary compensation, enough to cover almost half a semester at the prestigious university. “I wasn’t doing

Big brain Biden

Lizzie Conklin

anything with them anyway, and Plan B isn’t as easy to shoplift now that they put it behind the counter,” says Brenda Edwards ’26.5, one of over 40 respondents to the solicitation. Overwhelmed by the amount of applications, the couple outsourced the interview and selection process to the Yale Undergraduate Consulting Group. The three round gauntlet culminated in an

Public service announcement

Sophie Spaner

on-site interview at the couple’s second home in the Hamptons, where Olivia Lee ’25.75 was chosen after estimating the total addressable market of diapers within 2%. “The margins are astronomical given that the cost of goods is zero,” said an award-winning economics professor who wishes to remain anonymous. “More young Yalies should consider this as a supplementary income path on top of their buttery jobs.”

Fishing Nuclear fishin’

Harper Murray-Nelson

How ecotourism saved Chernobyl — and traditional masculinity

Real men know that a substantial (very literal) rod and a massive pair of (metaphorical) balls make a real difference. There may be other fish in the sea, but those in the Chernobyl treatment tanks are intoxicating.

38 years after the Chernobyl disaster, nature’s a healin’ and men are a reelin’. The quaint (and previously ravaged) town of Chernobyl has seen a 690% increase in angler-related tourism over the past five years. Several travel companies offer “No girls allowed” trips (due to the threat the fish pose to early-stage pregnancies), which typically consist of 3-9 pairs of hunky, burly men.

Trips range from $1.00-$500,000.00. When asked about trip pricing, Joe Hogan, owner of the “You-kraine Travel Compa-

ny” noted, “We wanted a big beta-scaring number. We just thought it [500,000] sounded good.”

For some, the trip is all about fishing, or “ishing” as it’s known in Chernobyl due to all those pesky long-term radiation effects. No two “ish” are alike, and the radiation affects every “ish” differently. Some reportedly glow, sing, wink or even smile with human teeth. For some men, the variety is what keeps things exciting.

“I was wrestling with this massive four-eyed-but-still-well-sighted flounder, and I looked up at that ventilation stack and I didn’t even feel humbled. Since Chernobyl, I’ve never felt more secure in my masculinity,” says Howard Tripe, a very boring analyst.

For others, it’s not the catch that matters, but the friendships formed and lessons learned along the way. 100% of men who have gone on “ishing” trips at Chernobyl report maximum confidence, and a complete reduction of self-awareness, object permanence, and sperm count.

“I just love swinging rod with like minded Alphas,” says Phil Mcfarn. The new head growing out of his neck nods in agreement.

Artificial intelligence Cut from class

Anna Feldman

Reforming education for the Age of AI

In recent years, US schools have faced pressure to change their curricula, but

several institutions have begun calling for these revisions to go even further. The obvious targets in the beginning, like more equitable perspectives in history and effective sex ed, were much too politically motivated and, frankly, a bore to write about. The world is rapidly changing, and our schools need to change with it. In response to such an educational deficit, new academic institutions, pending accreditation, have implemented fresh programs to educate the followers of tomorrow.

Instead of teaching outdated subjects like English, math, or science, they trust that artificial intelligence has rendered these skills obsolete, or that those who study them will at least die out due to sexual selection. Instead, new schools are replacing these soon-to-be-outdated classes with courses that will actually be useful in these children’s future careers. These classes, including AI flattery, motherboard dusting, and mining lithium for benevolent AI overlords, were listed as some of the most valuable fields for the next century. For years, lobbyists have been pushing for the American education system to more aptly prepare students for the job market, and these changes would encourage students to distance themselves from clearly bygone professions like authors, historians, and mathematicians, and start focusing on the jobs of the future. While these efforts have seen relatively little support from governmental institutions so far, this remains a gradual process that will likely need to wait until voting is moved online and can be hacked by superior beings, for the safety of our children.

Note: this article was written by a knowledge-engineering neural network.

Gimme gimme

war

Rohan Shivakumar

Wars we hope to see in 2024

WAr, the number one forum for a gang of guys to band up and bang it out, brings out the best and the worst in men. But more importantly, it has major economic implications. As some of the most respected economists of our time have put it: If the bombs are blowing, business is going! Or rather, when the U.S. government purchases the most efficient, godlike, god-killing machines of death ever built, Rayth-heed Northrop Boeing stocks go, to use a technical term, TTFR — Through The Fucking Roof. So as we look forward to another year in what many warmongers have termed the Lord’s chosen country, we look around the world to theorize which regions have potential to host the most tantalizing, orgasmic, and — most importantly — high-value skirmishes.

Mexico vs. Canada. A bout between our neighbors to the north and south would have a dynamic evocative of two cousins wrestling at a family gathering. The Mexican “Lucha Libre” facing off against a bunch of old fur trappers and lumberjacks? This is guaranteed to be a compelling conflict. Who knows? Maybe Canada will be the one to pay for the wall after all.

Burundi vs. Rwanda. These tiny neighboring countries are inconveniently positioned for war as they share a border and will not need to purchase US submarines and war vessels. US manufactured hand

grenades, however, have grown in popularity in hand-to-hand combat, following Covid-19 six-foot distancing rules. With their diminutive sizes, these nations have potential to enact the “teacup pig of wars,” in that a large percentage of each population would likely go malnourished. Oh well, it’s not like they produced that much GDP per capita anyway!

Germany vs. France. Round Three. Many experts contend that Europe has become “a huge fucking bore.” The fields which once saw the most casualties in human history are now relegated to “productive sustainable agriculture” and “charming smalltown living.” The stagnancy in their current market indicates that now is a prime time to return to a period where men at the ripe age of 18 could gloriously get mowed down by machine gun fire just outside Lille. Only this time, that machine gun will say “Made in the USA” on it!

Our great United States of America has not been included in any of these prospective wars because we are the international stewards of peace.

National Veni, Vidi, Vermont

Erita Chen

How Republicans could take Vermont by doing as the Romans do

“WheN IN rome,” or rather, “when in Vermont,” cantillate Republicans seeking to turn The Green Mountain State red. The Peter Thiel-backed Redwoods Majority PAC has been founded this

election cycle to take on the seemingly Sisyphean challenge, a counterweight to the efforts of “clean-energy-powered barbecuers” seeking to turn Texas blue.

At first, the PAC sought to build party infrastructure at the county level, utilizing stratified tactics based upon whether the region’s cow-to-person ratio was tipped in favor of or against cows. However, new PAC manager Leviticus Julius Gaius Augustus Tiberius, previously of the Legio IV Scythica legion, has brought about a shake-up in grand, operational, and bovine strategy.

“Lorem Ipsum Anus et Veritas,” declared Tiberius when approached for comment. Through a translator, we gleaned that Tiberius planned to employ a cavalry-forward approach to engage with the Vermontian electorate. First, on election night, young college-educated canvassers atop sensible Hertz-rented Subarus would skirmish with the opposition outside their local Ben and Jerry’s. They would then assume the triarii phalanx position to most effectively spear each affordable Subaru wiper blade, laying siege to each “stercoreus bubulcus-riding hippie” (manure-smelling, cow-riding hippie) who sought shelter and comfort in the store’s verdant selection of Cherry Garcia, Americone Dream, and Chunky Monkey pints.

Tiberius also outlined a naval strategy in which canvassers aboard battering ramequipped galleys would defend against “barbaric” Democratic electors shipped through Mare Nostrum into the Atlantic but was disappointed upon learning that Vermont is in fact a land-locked state.

Lockheed

Catholics abroad Holy war

Kara Carey

Don’t poke the Pope

As the US Marine Corps battles to take the Holy See, one has to wonder: Can the Ninth Crusade actually bring us together in the end?

Pope Innocent XIV, the new Pope-elect following the assassination of Pope Francis by Popemobile-car-bomb, made waves when he declared hallowed hegemony over the Earth. “We’ve grown weary of waiting for the Second Coming,” explained Innocent. “If you want something done right, sometimes you just have to do it yourself.”

When Innocent backed those claims by launching a volley of nuclear missiles toward major cities in the United States, it became clear that de-escalation was not an option. All but one warhead was intercepted, and the blessed bomb hit its target, unleashing atomic hellfire onto Cambridge, Massachusetts. US forces quickly initiated a counterattack, invading the Vatican, where there were many reports of casualties from the use of flesh-melting holy water and sudden lightning strikes.

The situation at home is similarly precarious. As Catholics battle the National Guard in Washington D.C., insurgencies

Although unlikely to end without further bloodshed, this virtuous violence also contains opportunity. Maybe this Catholic Crisis can unite us again. Just like 9/11.

Abortion activism

The reproductive right

Lucas Ranfranz

How this group of activists gave birth control to every male Republican senator

ON INterNAtIoNAl WomeN’s DAy, PragerU hosted a luncheon for — exclusively — every male Republican senator. The purpose of the event was to solidify the party’s stance on Democrats (bad) and convince the congressmen they can’t spell “woman” without “man.”

After a shirtless David Goggins kicked off the event by screaming “Stay hard motherfuckers!”, Senator John Kennedy (R-LA) began his speech.

“President Biden would be better off selling Viagra on late-night TV than serving as President of the United States,” he began, pausing until the immediate standing ovation settled down. “But the problem is, I have ED, so I actually need Viagra. Just not from a Democrat. Congressmen, we must

Virginia fuck au naturel” — activists from Planned Parenthood intercepted the boxes of TIU. Through CCTV recordings obtained by The Reconomist, it has been confirmed that Mitt Romney (R-UT) and Joe Manchin (D-WV) were in on the job, and were paid by the activists to swap TrumpItUp™ for Biden Birth Control™.

The senators began to experience unsettling changes soon after the swap had occurred, such as the pitches of their voices becoming higher. Most notably, though, their stance on women began to change dramatically. In a puzzling but seemingly well-intentioned speech, Senator JD Vance (R-OH) exclaimed in the Chamber, “You can’t spell man without woman!”

To the confusion of the Democrats, every male Republican senator loudly clapped and cheered in agreement. Furthermore, Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) introduced a bill that would make birth control for women more accessible. In his advocacy of the bill, he said, “Somehow, us men now sympathize with how difficult it is for women to get on birth control,” he said, pausing for several minutes for dramatic effect before continuing. “I’m still trying to get my rocks off, but first thing’s first: We must expand women’s access to this life-changing healthcare.”

The bill astoundingly passed 91-9. As the nine female Republican senators sat pouting in the corner, the male Republican

International policy

Can we afford peace with China?

Benjamin Hollander-Bodie

Peace is expensive, in dollars or yuan

Many in the Pentagon, the US State Department, the Western business world, and the readership of the Reconomist worry about the potential cost of a war with China. Concerns abound, including disruptions to the economy, increased tax rates, and potential harm to the national interests of the US and its allies, as well as the very minor matter that in simulated US-China wargames the US “gets its ass handed to it.” Counterintuitively, there is something just as important to consider: Dire as the costs of war may be, can we truly afford peace with China?

As we in the West sit here doing nothing, China schemes and plots against us. Every time we breathe a sigh of relaxation, China’s unfeeling army of automata marches another step toward universal domination. Every cent of taxpayer money spent on anything but preparation for the inevitable war is, in essence, a donation to Xi Jinping’s red piggy bank. Peace is war. And China is winning.

Don’t forget that even the Red Chinese, deep down, want freedom. And by freedom, I of course mean utterly decimating with nuclear hellfire every possible political, economic, or cultural nerve center or backup nerve center available to the Chinese state.

Of course, this would require that we immediately fire every ICBM in the entire Western world before China has the chance to build new cities; that is, right now! And let me just level with the esteemed readership of the Reconomist for a second: are the cities of China not, in some profound sense, tantalizingly bombable? I rest my case.

International policy

Can we afford war with China?

Just Donald: A self-portrait by 45

Emily Hettinger

Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson &

Sofia Morfin

Cutting edge cosmology

The dark side of the moon

Emma Upson

Why we think the moon is trying to kill you

ON FebruAry 10th a small team of lunar geologists made a discovery that left their peers scratching their heads and conspiracy theorists across the world gleefully rubbing their headshands together. The study, involving lunar history and horoscope readings, suggests the moon harbors sinister intentions toward humanity.

Dr. Helena Starr, lead author of the study, explained, “Initially, our aim was to challenge the very existence of the moon. With a diverse team ranging from seasoned scientists to renowned YouTube conspiracy theorists, we thought we knew what we were getting ourselves into. However, the journey proved to be far more enlightening than we had anticipated.”

The study points to a series of peculiar incidents that have occurred throughout history, ranging from inexplicable lunar eclipses to the contentious 1969 moon landing. While the moon’s true origins re-

main shrouded in mystery, “some FUNKY things are going on up there” that “certainly don’t pass my spiritual aura check,” remarked the team’s yoga instructor and healer, Rainbow Stone. According to the researchers, these phenomena could be interpreted as subtle attempts by the moon to exert its evil influence over Earth.

To delve deeper, the Reconomist sought the wisdom of a self-proclaimed moon whisperer, Dr. Lou Nar. A previous member of similar moon-related studies, Dr. Nar has stepped away from lunar science due to unforeseen circumstances — winning the lottery and moving to California to “chase the waves.” Dr. Nar provided an illuminating perspective despite his brief experience in the field.

“Man, I’ve been saying this for years, but no one would listen,” Dr. Nar declared from the ocean, running in place, his eyes gleaming with the glow of one thousand moons. “The moon is not your pal, brother.”

When pressed for evidence to support his claim, Dr. Nar reluctantly stopped running and allowed the waves to sweep him back to shore, moon-eyes flitting about the California beach. “You know man,” he began, his voice carrying the weight of all cosmic secrets. “Sometimes, just sometimes, the moon, like, talks to me, man.

And let me tell ya, it’s not all peace and love up there.”

He paused dramatically, as if waiting for his celestial god to whisper its consent through the crashing waves before continuing. “He tells me about His big plans, y’know? Like, wiping out humanity and stuff. I guess He’s not down with the whole global warming scene we’ve got going on down here. Sometimes I don’t think He’s wrong for that, man. After all, in the grand drama of existence, we may portray the moon to be the ultimate antagonist, but humanity? We bear responsibility for our own fate.”

At the end of his interview, Dr. Nar shrugged, as if to say, “Don’t shoot the messenger, man,” retied his shoes, and headed back into the surf, leaving behind only a sense of impending doom and the lingering scent of patchouli. Anticipate further information about the moon’s intentions in the year ahead, if we live to see it.

Fashion ethics

Rain or Shein

Theo Schiminovich

How fast fashion is controlling the weather

MAkINg A trIP to the clothing store to buy some of the trendiest fast fashion items? Think again. Those clothes may look good on you now, but buying them may cause the end of times, and they might get a little stained or maybe even tattered. Scientists at the National Center for Atmospheric Research recently published a paper in Nature revealing the catastrophic effects that fast fashion will have on our atmosphere.

The scientists found that fumes from textile factories in Bangladesh are being sucked southward during the winter by katabatic winds coming off the Himalayan Mountains. This polluted air moves south, inhibiting convection in the maritime currents, creating a standing wave over the Western Hemisphere and Africa which will lead to a semi-permanent blocking pattern over the United States.To put matters into more simple terms, we’ll be in some deep shit.

Temperatures at seventy below zero in Chicago. Heat waves in Southern California, forcing celebrities inside to complain on social media. Arnados (alligator-enhanced tornadoes) in Florida. California will break free from the continent. A giant lizard will emerge from the depths near New York. The wheat crop may fail.

In a statement, Secretary of Commerce Gina Raimondo appointed rapper Macklemore to the new position Director of American Fashion, effective immediately. “He wears your granddad’s clothes, and he looks incredible,” Raimondo said. Raimondo assured Americans with absolutely zero fashion sense that they don’t need to change anything, praising “the ugly, ugly, Changemakers of Tomorrow.”

Equity vs equality

Devika Kothari

Cryptocurrency Back to the mines

Ami Gillon

The bookleg market for underage cryptocurrency miners

PAreNts, regulAtors, CItIzeNs: With the advent of artificial intelligence, social media, and, of course, cable television, humanity is bound to face harmful side effects. Yet, one evil — perhaps the most pernicious technological advancement of them all — somehow evades public scrutiny. Meet the new form of child servitude: little league cryptocurrency mining.

For this investigation, I traversed the United States — from Connecticut to California — and interviewed every single victim of this abhorrent scheme.

Johnny Warbucks, a precocious 12-year-old, limped into the reception room, wiping sweat off his brow. “Sorry, my foot fell asleep while I was completing blocks of verified transactions,” he moaned. Jittery in his seat, it was clear that the ringleaders of the crypto mines were using candy and coercion to keep their workers quiet. I would have to probe deeper, and quickly — the monstrous creature Johnny called his mother was watching him sharply and muttering about “the Asian market going to bed soon.”

I began to lightly interrogate Johnny about his horrendous working conditions. Initially hesitant, he began to spill everything once I offered him immunity and a Tootsie Pop. “Yeah, so Mommy serves me lunch right in front of my four computer screens, but it’s only ever soup with a

straw in it,” Johnny confessed in regards to his working conditions. As Johnny sat there — sickly, starving, begging for scraps — his mother chuckled and wagged her finger. “Hands are for day trading, Johnny boy,” she explained. “Solid food is for good boys who take DogeCoin to the moon.”

Johnny toiled away at the mines until the end of his 19-hour shift, typing until his hands gave out and yelling into a Fisher-Price flip phone in fluent Cantonese. “I make so much money now that Mommy and Daddy don’t work anymore. As Mommy says, I’m the breadwinner of this house. Gosh,” Johnny admitted, “I’d trade it all for some actual bread.”

Despite his bleak existence, there is a glimmer of hope for Johnny and his kin. I prompted Johnny for information about new developments in the crypto mining community between his rapid typing sessions and sips of soup. “Um, so, I guess me and some of the guys are going to build a mining pool. Brandon’s mom said it was okay if my mom says it’s okay, and Ethereum’s going through the roof right now, so she’s been in a pretty good mood lately.”

A union! Johnny was forming a union, fighting for his rights. Will collective bargaining bear fruit for these wretched child miners? Only time will tell. Until then, we at the Reconomist are praying for Johnny and selling all of our stocks to buy up DogeCoin. We hear it’s going to the goddamn moon.

ART OF STORYTELLING THRU....