It Aint Over

by Fatimha Love

September 11, 2001, I watched as the first tower burned then ultimately came tumbling down. September 11, 2022, I discovered the lump in my breast that would change life as I know it.

I prayed and asked God to tell me what the lump meant, and in that moment, I heard God say, “Daughter, you have Cancer. It will be tough, but you will be okay.” I fell to the floor and cried out to God. What was I about to face with (what was later confirmed as) stage two metastatic breast cancer? What did God mean when He said I would be okay? Would I beat this, or did “okay” mean God had a bigger assignment for me in heaven? I wondered why God trusted me to be strong enough to avail such a difficult battle.

At first, I was consumed with what Cancer would do to me. How it would make me sick, and what it would take from me. Chemo took me for the ride of my life! Nausea, neuropathy, pain, stomach issues, hair loss, changes in vision, and more. If there was a side effect to be had, I had it. Cancer, along with chemotherapy, is miserable; with it, I lost all control. How I looked and felt suddenly belonged to whatever chemo decided at the time. It reminded me of a book by Nancy Stordahl, Cancer Was Not a Gift & It Didn’t Make Me a Better Person: A Memoir about Cancer as I Know It. I felt this way and am glad I was not the only one.

The first part of my treatment regimen consisted of receiving an aggressive form of chemo, referred to as ‘the red devil,’ because it was red and lethal. As I was receiving the chemo I cried as it flowed into my veins for the first time. Then, a friend who had gone through the same regimen years ago told me that each time she had chemo, instead of calling it the red devil, she would plead the blood of Jesus and say it was the blood flowing into her veins that would heal her. It wasn’t until I heard this that I saw chemo as giving me life. That was a big revelation, and it helped me through. I realized that even in my weakness, I was still strong.

I later learned to focus on what Cancer would do for me. Pastor Benjamin Windle said it best, “Forging purpose while you are suffering is a way of exploring the brighter end of the spectrum—the side of wonder, of laughter, of joy. The purpose you develop must be bigger than the pain you have endured.” When I couldn’t find the words to speak over myself, I found purpose in inspiring others to keep fighting. When I couldn’t pray for myself, I prayed for others. That’s a strength that only God could provide. The one thing Cancer couldn’t take from me was the ability to know the pain and struggles of others. Even during what seemed like the worst time in my life, I could still see there was someone, somewhere, who may have been struggling more than me.

Today, staring in the mirror at the botched stitches in place of where my imperfectbut-perfect breasts used to be, I’m still often overwhelmed with sadness. It’s a site that reminds me of Sally from the movie The Nightmare Before Christmas. Who is this person with no hair, darker skin, and drooping eyes staring back at me in the mirror? Is she still a woman without her breasts? How will she go on knowing her breasts are no longer hers, even with implants to come?

“Trust the process, Fatimha,” I tell myself, thinking back on the word that God gave me before I was diagnosed. Angry and frustrated at my lack of energy and the things I cannot do, I sometimes feel defeated. It’s a painful thing to no longer see the person you once knew when you look in the mirror. There are so many emotions that I must get through and accepting this new life isn’t easy. Although I rely on God with all my being, it doesn’t mean that I don’t need to be reeled back in or reminded of His grace during this arduous journey. Trying to find purpose in pain is complicated when the battle seems so much bigger than my strength.

While I think Cancer has been one of the worst experiences I’ve faced, I can also look back and know that no matter what Cancer destroyed, I survived it all. I may not always understand why God sends me down certain paths, but I am grateful for each day I wake up and thankful that God has given me the will to fight. As I continue this journey, I don’t know all that will result from Cancer. However, I believe that Cancer will do more for me than what it did to me.

•Cancer reminded me why I continue to fight. I’ve overcome great adversity and won’t let Cancer take my championship belt. It’s not my time to die, but it is my time to live for me and love me more than ever. After all the battles I’ve won, now isn’t the time to give up. I continue to fight because I no longer just see the sun, the moon, or the sky; I see life in them that is also in me. On the days when I thought it was too hard to make it, God showed me a new day, then another night and the stars shined until the next day was to arise.

•Cancer reminded me it’s ok to put myself first. We talk about self-care, yet, at least for me, I always seem to get lost in my giving to everyone else. Not this time. I’ve dedicated my life to my family, children, and many others, putting myself last most of the time. Now I’m first and just as important as those I care about. I will constantly look back at all that Cancer has done, and how I have overcome, and remember that I am in a season of pouring into me. I don’t know what this will look like, but I anticipate it will be liberating. It’s my time to fight for me, live for me, and pour just as much into myself as I pour into others.

•Cancer reminded me of all the life I have to live. Often times we simply utter the words “tomorrow is not promised” without a second thought. I’ve said it many times, yet I don’t think I knew the magnitude of that statement until Cancer stared me in the face. So, for me, life is now different and even more meaningful. I am different now. Not better, but different. It’s my time to create new dreams, plan new goals, and live out loud on my own terms.

There is much living I need to do, be, and experience. Cancer is the battle of my life where getting to the victory line means betting on ME.

It ain’t over because God didn’t say it was over. Not for me, and if you are living right now, at this moment, then that means it’s not over for you.

Fight, win, survive, and live with purpose, on purpose.

Xoxo