Google Boy by Nick Yates

Boy

Big Head A big head that stores a big brain. With quick reaction times and an enormous memory retention, Google Boy® is set for any problem the public throws at him.

Mouth The phrase ‘gift of the gab’ was made for Google Boy®. He has a perfect voice that matches his high level of confidence.

Glasses His eyesight is better than 20/20. He chooses to wear fake glasses because he believes it makes him look smarter. Even though he has a MENSA IQ level. They also make him look super cool.

Heart Yes it sounds cheesy, but Google Boy® literally has a heart of gold*. It’s his kindness that makes him perfect for helping people

Hands Google Boy® has hands. His hands have opposbale thumbs which make it easier to grip things. That’s good when living a life helping people. They might need a hand with their luggage.

Legs & Feet Google Boy’s® gangly legs mean that when he needs to be, he can be really fast. His extremely large feet mean he has perfect balance too.

* Not literally

Google Boy® is here. Always keen to help, his experiences have lead him to the point where he is capable of solving any problem. But what exactly are the features of Google Boy® that make him so perfect? By the way, if you’re yet to witness Google Boy’s® abilites first hand, then keep an eye out for the testimonials that litter this book. There’s even quote from famous faces who have been affected by Google Boy®.

“He’s a physically and mentally tuned model of perfection. He’s just the right man for the Google Boy® task.” - Geoff Capes, former World’s Strongest Man

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Google Boy® is stylish. We just couldn’t go any further without mentioning Google Boy’s® outfit. What Google Boy® wears is as important to us as what he does. We need him to be on trend, yet still represent us as a recognisable brand. Styled by top designers from across the globe, we think you’ll agree that we’ve nailed it. Google Boy® mixes the sophisticated with the fun in a way that most couldn’t it just goes to show that Google Boy® isn’t just clever, he’s cool too.

“I envy Google Boy®. In particular, I’m always a bit jealous of how easily he can rock a bright yellow vest under a bright blue jacket and yet somehow look incredibly sophisticated” - Brad Pitt

The Cap The cap is arguably Google Boy’s® most important item of clothing. It’s what makes him cool. Afterall, who doesn’t look cool in a baseball cap? Without it, he is just a regular guy in a bright blue jacket, yellow vest and red chinos, but with it he is Google Boy®.

The Jacket How to look trustworthy and sophisticated? With a bright blue jacket that’s how, Wearing his jacket, Google Boy® is eye catching, yet gives off an aura of knowing exactly what he’s doing.

The Vest Just bright enough to show through the jacket, the vest not only makes Google Boy® look strong and masculine, but it also keeps him cool. Keeping cool is important for Google Boy® because he’s always so busy.

The Trousers The pièce de résistance to Google Boy’s® look are his bright red trousers. These bad boys help him be seen from up to one hundred metres away meaning you know exactly where Google Boy® is. When he’s one hundred metres or closer.

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Google Boy® is versatile. So now you know a little bit about Google Boy®, it’s time to find out about all the weird and wonderful things he can do. From acting to news reading, he does it all.

Search A little different to our online equivalent, Google Boy’s Search function is literally that. A search. Lost something? Not a problem when Google Boy is around. Often called the Sherlock Holmes of the 21st century, Google Boy will find lost phones, remote controls, children, dignity... Anything really. With the patience of a saint, Google Boy will just keep on going until he finds the lost treasure. The strange thing is that it always seems to be in the last place he looks. Oh well, he doesn’t mind.

“My Husband loves it that I can leave him to watch the football whilst Google Boy® takes me clothes browsing in town.” - Samantha Huxley about Chrome on Google Boy®

Chrome Hmm, how to describe Google Boy’s Chrome function? We suppose he’s just the World’s ultimate browser really. Equally happy to spend 8 hours looking for the perfect pair of shoes or even longer hunting down that rare Right Said Fred LP from 1978 you’ve been looking for since you were 11. Just don’t ask him to make any purchases. He’s only browsing.

Toolbar Not so much of a Toolbar but more of a Toolbox really. With various NVQ’s and armed with almost every tool in the Screwfix catalogue, Google Boy® can tackle practically all minor DIY problems. Got a leaky tap? Not a problem. Google Boy® will just take off his jacket, roll up the sleeves of his vest if he had any and get to work. In next to no time that drip will be gone and Google Boy® will have satisfied another helpless customer.

Docs Now Google Boy’s® Docs function is actually quite similar to the online equivalent. It’s just that instead of creating presentations that can be shared on a comuputer screen, Google Boy® will step up to the plate and simply do the presentation himself. He’s been known to liven up even the most dull of Monday morning presentations, and when really given the opportunity, he could, as they say, sell ice to the Eskimos. Actually, just last year, he convinced 3 Inuits to buy an ice dispensing refrigerator.

Google Boy® is a complete natural when it comes to presenting to the board.

“Since Google Boy® started presenting for me, I haven’t lost a single pitch. He’s like Martin Luther King and Steve Jobs rolled into one.” - Paul Thomas on Google Boy’s® Docs function

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Picasa

Offers

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. So it’s lucky that Google Boy® likes to talk. He’s not very good at drawing, painting, or even doodling, but boy® can he describe pictures. Got a photograph you want to share with friends? Not a problem, get Google Boy® round and he can tell them exactly what the picture looks like without even needing to see it. Plus, when used in conjunction with his Gmail function, he can even describe the picture to people in different rooms.

Now Google Boy® loves a bargain as much as the next person, but what he likes even more is helping others get bargains. That’s why he has his Offers function. Using this, he can get you money off at the best places to eat, shop and even play. It’s the perfect tool for those times you have a date but you’re not quite sure if it’s worth forking out too much miney.

Google Boy’s® Cup and String is such good quality, it almost feels as though the person you’re talking to is stood right next to you.

“Provided I’m within 20 metres of them, I can talk to anyone in the World!” - Andy Peters

Gmail Google Boy® doesn’t do email. He likes the personal touch afterall. Armed with a loud voice and an extendable cup and string, Google Boy® will relay literally any message you wish to send. As long as it’s either within shouting distance or the full length of his extendable cup and string. But it doesn’t stop at that, no. Google Boy® also has a massive sack. He uses it for delivering letters, something he enjoys very much. Give him a letter and he’ll make sure that when he next sees that person, he’ll deliver it. He’s just as good as the Royal Mail without the tiny shorts. Except for the Summer months when Google Boy® loves to wear his tiny shorts. Yes, Google Boy® really is the modern day equivalent of Mercury.

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Google Boy’s® date keeping device is almost too sophisticated

Calendar Never miss an important meeting again thanks to Google Boy’s® Calendar. Any information you wish to store can be written on his hand and stored for practically several weeks. Thanks to Google Boy’s® StayClean function, he never needs a shower or to wash in any way, leaving those inky scrawls there to stay until you’ve completed that appointment. And with his alarm function, Google Boy® will quite literally yell until you’ve completed the task.

“I missed the birth of my daughter, but thanks to Google Boy®, I managed to make the Christening” - Jeremy Williams has to thank Google Boy® for the continuation of his marriage to Mrs. Williams

Books Have you ever seen a walking library? You have now. Google Boy® literally knows everything. After spending 4 years learning with Melvil Dewey’s great Grandson, he knows the location of almost every book in the known Universe. Got an essay due in the morning? Then Google Boy’s® the perfect study buddy. However, not only does Google Boy® have an incredible knowledge of books, he also has some serious guns. Thanks to regular work outs focussing primarily on biscep curls, he can carry up to and above 12 books in one go. Just make sure he can still see where he’s going. He takes the silence rule very seriously and would hate to make a racket.

“Ssssh!” - The librarian refused to give us a comment.

Would you look at that, Google Boy carrying 12 quite large books. We said he was strong.

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For Google Boy速, being sociable comes as naturally as breathing.

“Thanks to Google Boy® I now have plenty of friends. It seems strange to think that once upon a time the only friends I had were in my head.” - Gareth Walker is ust one of the loners Google Boy® has put straight.

Google + We won’t lie, Google Boy® is a serious socialite. When he’s not delivering mail, looking for lost items, translating Chinese, carrying books etc. he’s making friends. He just can’t help himself. He sees a crowd, he goes and cracks a joke. Within 30 seconds, he’s being asked to be the Best Man for one of them and the Godfather of another one’s new born baby. Thankfully, because Google Boy® is a service, he can help you make friends too. Before you know it, you’ll be everyone’s best friend. And don’t fret, Google Boy® won’t be jealous of all your attention, he’ll just move on and find another group to crack jokes with and talk about the match. Google Boy® is the ultimate social network, who needs walls or feeds when you have serious face to face contact?

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YouTube You thought the online version of YouTube was good? Just wait until you see what Google Boy® can do. Ask him to entertain you and he will do just that. Google Boy’s® background in the entertainment business is matched by literally no one. There isn’t a performance based discipline that he hasn’t had some form of training in. Whether it’s being trained by Torvil and Dean to ice skate, or taught how to tell terrible jokes thanks to Bruce Forsythe, Google Boy® has been there and done that. This provides him with the perfect platform to go out and do what ever sort of clip you wish. He does a mean David at the Dentist for instance, but he can also act out a whole episode of Hollyoaks. Boy is this boy good. By the way, you may be looking at the photographs on show in this section and wondering what is going on but it’s quite simple really. Google Boy® is reciting lines from Hamlet whilst wearing rollerblades. He knows that this is the sort of thing that people love to watch on YouTube and he loves to give the crowd what they want. Bobby Davro taught him that one.

“I can sit for literally hours watching Google Boy® do anything from perfoming ‘Single Ladies’ by Beyonce, to acting out excerpts from Hamlet whilst wearing rollerblades. He’s so talented” - Charlie Brooker

Google Boy速 can effortlessly perform even the weirdest of YouTube videos for your own personal delight.

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The many faces of Google Boy®. Look at him act, it’s a magical sight.

Google Boy’s® YouTube Top 10 Watch him perform one of these and prepare to be amazed. 10) Double Rainbow This one’s easy for Google Boy® as he too is completely blown away by the awe and mystery of a double rainbow. No wait, is that a TRIPLE RAINBOW?!

08) Leave Britney Alone Google Boy® doesn’t actually care much for Britney Spears, but for the sake of entertainment, he can turn on the water works in an instant. He’s a true professional.

06) Ninja Cat It’s a good job Google Boy® has the whiskers, here’s another cat based performance. Despite his gangly stature, Google Boy® can be as quiet as, well a ninja cat when he wants.

04) Dick in a Box - Lonely Island Apologies for the language, Google Boy® can’t help it if profanities are popular with the youth of today. Funnier than Justin Timberlake and a better singer too, GB® nails this.

02) Charlie Bit Me It gets more difficult the older Google Boy® is, but he’s still yet to actually lose a finger. He’s only ever come really close once.

09) Single Ladies - Beyonce He’s got the dance moves, he’s got the legs, he just doesn’t have a way of making everything go all black and white.

07) Keyboard Cat Being grade 9 at piano means that playing the keyboard is almost too easy. Google Boy® even has his own stick on whiskers.

05) David at the Dentist We don’t endorse it, but Google Boy® actually takes the drugs David took in order to give the perfect performance every time.

03) Born This Way - Lady Gaga He has the attitude, he has the fake blonde wig, Google Boy® will blow you away with this one. See it to believe it.

01) Torres’ Miss The most challenging clip for Google Boy® because he often just ends up rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically when he looks back at the original moment.

“I’ve never known a man who can make me laugh and then cry within a matter of seconds. Pure performance genius” - Nick Knowles of DIY SOS fame

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Maps We used to think about how different our lives were when we couldn’t rely on a SatNav to guide us, but now thanks to Google Boy’s® maps function, we’re on a totally different level. No more typing in postcodes or ‘turn around when possible’s’ because Google Boy® already knows where you want to go. You just may not know it yet. A holder of every bagde that Brownies, Cubs, Scouts and Guides had to offer, Google Boy® literally never gets lost. And now, you won’t either. Take that Tom Tom.

“And to think I used to own a SatNav. I mean that just looks so dated next to the navigational prowess of Google Boy®” - Paula Abdul

Earth

Lattitude

A keen part time Geographer, Google Boy® is never far away from his trusty globe. With it, he can show you every single country in the World. He can recite the 50 states of America and even show you where Turkmenistan is, the only human capable of such feats. Let Google Boy® take you on a world wide adventure from the safety of your sofa.

It’s been called a sixth sense, as well as a gift from the social God’s. Google Boy® has a somewhat rare ability to tell you exactly where your friends are at any given time. No one knows how and he won’t give away his secret. He just does. And he can help you find them again. (Don’t have any friends? Never fear, Google Boy® can help you there too. See page 14!)

Google Boy® is always there to help those who are directionally challenged. Take this builder for instance.

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News Google Boy® can’t keep you up to date on all the news. That would just be ridiculous, but what he can do is give you up to date news about the world that matters. The world around you. Lost cat get’s found in wheelie bin? Google Boy® will let you know. Budgeriegard does the 110m hurdles? He’s on it getting you all the key facts. And how about this one? Google Boy® is at the scene as a food poisoning pandemic strikes village after a dodgy donner is sold at a local take away. See, it’s always the news that matters to you that you’ll get from Google Boy®

Google Boy® never misses a news worthy opportunity

“Who needs the BBC when you can have a live on the scene journalist by your side 24/7? Google Boy® gets to the real nitty gritty of the news stories. He’s like Huw Edwards without the Welsh” - Jenny Walker loves having Google Boy read her the weather too.

Blogger If you have an opinion that you feel should be aired then Google Boy® is the man for you. Capable of reciting hours worth of mindless drivel, he’ll let you pour out your closest secrets and then shout them for the whole world to hear. Well, the three people following you anyway. And what about if you’re into fashion? The Google Boy® loves helping you show your followers what’s in your handbag or what kind of hot pant you’ll be wearing this Summer. With Google Boy’s® Blogger function, there’s always somewhere for you to have your say, that no one will ever read.

Translate The perfect travel accompaniment. Google Boy® is versed in nearly every language, from French to Swahili, Danish to Pirate. Thanks to translate, you need never be put on the spot in a foreign country again. Say goodbye to those awkward moments when you only said you wanted a bottle of water but find yourself facing a full body massage from Tony, the hotel manager’s weightlifter son-in-law. What? That hasn’t happened to everyone?

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But Google Boy® is just one boy. Despite his unwavering desire to help as many people as he can, Google Boy® still remains just that. One boy.

Google Boy® is great. He’s all of our products wrapped up into one neatly designed, well dressed box. However, he is just one person. He can only provide that personal Google touch to the few. He’d love to be able to do more, but physically this is impossible. Thankfully there is another way to experience our products and it’s been there all along. Just Google them. That’s right. Search for any of the products named in this book and within seconds, you will be able to access the digital equivalent to what Google Boy® can offer. It’s not as personal, but it is just as good. So do Google Boy® a favour. When you have a problem, don’t wait for him to turn up. Instead hop online and solve it for yourself. We know Google Boy® would seriously appreciate it.

“ I try to help as many people as I can, but unfortunately I don’t have the ability as of yet to be in more than one place at a time. This means that there are countless people out there waiting for my help. Please give me a hand by using Google’s Search tool online when I’m not available. All the product’s listed in this book are available there and I can promise you that they are just as good as when I do them. Sadly, you’ll just have to watch Beyonce shake her booty instead. It’s not as good I know. Thank you.” - Google Boy

“I’ll always be grateful to Google Boy® for fathering my child.” - Anonymous