On Queerness and Boston DIY

by Hugh Schmidt

July 30th, 2016. The Democracy Center

Bands: Mail Thief // Pandemix // She Dreamt;She was the Sea // Nick Owen // Disembowelment Choir

I was 17 years old and somehow, fucking somehow, I didn't know I was queer.

Even that term would have bothered me at the time. I didn’t know it was something people had reclaimed. No one told me.

Some people maybe had older siblings who spouted queer theory, some people had classes, most people probably just had the internet tell them. Regardless, evidently I missed the boat.

This show changed that for me.

I was playing bass with Nick Owen that night, in what would be our first real show in the Boston area. I was more nervous than I’d ever been for a show before. We were playing with people who were cooler, older, and more experienced than we were, and we were definitely the only band whose parents drove them to the show.

by Nordrhein // Booublik on DeviantArt

But what really struck me as I walked in was the number of visibly queer people in the room. I’d never really seen people who looked like that before, let alone that many. To be honest, I was was really uncomfortable. A combination of internalized homophobia with a new and intimidating environment made it so I didn’t talk to anyone for almost the entire night.

I may not have talked, but I damn sure listened when She Dream; She Was The Sea launched into the first screamo set I’d ever heard. I kept listening when Sofia spoke in between their songs about violence against trans women, in blunt and brutal terms. I had never heard about this. No one I knew talked about this.

Seeing Pandemix fucking shook me still. They were the first hardcore band I’d ever seen and I cannot describe how much their set impacted me. I witnessed such unity in the room during their set. I didn’t know I was queer then so I can’t say it’s something I felt a part of but I think I saw it.

This will sound goofy as fuck to everyone who’s been in this for a decent amount of time, but it was a room full of queer people together in anger and mutual support for each other. Sure you can say, “Yeah Hugh that’s like every fucking punk show, you dweeb”, but I’d also never really been to one before. I didn’t realize a lot of, or maybe any of this, at the time, so maybe I’m projecting, but I really think I saw something that night.

This show, and most importantly, the people I’d meet through it, changed a lot for me. It’s through meeting people who were openly queer in these spaces and who were willing to talk about that part of them that I was able to discover a lot about both myself and others. Even though I was too nervous at that particular show, I worked up enough confidence to talk to people at later ones. The friends I made at these shows exposed me to concepts of gender and sexuality that I’d never been exposed to before. Through a combination of angry Facebook posts, passive-aggressive Instagram stories, zines and conversation, I started to look at myself in a new light.

I didn’t know I was queer for the longest time, and these people encouraged me, whether intentionally or not, to stop repressing who I am. They exposed me to different terms used to describe sexuality and gender that allowed me to further explore my identity outside of the ones I knew. I learned that people could be in between or even outside of a binary perception of gender. This blew my fucking mind. I had lived my entire life thinking that there were two options, and now I was presented with an upheaval of something my entire life has been constructed around. Without the tools and language to express myself in this way, I’m not sure I would have been able to or comfortable with questioning my gender identity.

Poster courtesy of Hugh Schmidt

I also learned that I didn’t always need to have to have a label for who I am. Despite a lot of the focus in current gender and sexuality discourse on terms with varying degrees of accuracy, I learned that I didn’t need to place any of them on myself. I knew that I didn’t feel comfortable with the terms bi or pan in describing my sexuality and it’s Boston queer punks who taught me that that was okay. Before I got involved in my local scene, I had neither the language to describe how I felt nor did I feel comfortable doing so.

Some people knew their entire lives they were queer. I pretty much found out last year at 18. I’m convinced that it would have taken me even longer if it weren’t for DIY shows. My entire life people have assumed I was gay (with varying degrees of good intentions) and that only made it worse because of the expectations that they placed on me in doing so. It was only through discussion and a community made up of my friends that I was able to finally start to realize these things about myself without outright rejecting them.

I’m incredibly thankful for being a part of a community that thrives off of mutual support for each other and that didn’t laugh at me for not knowing anything.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it means a lot me, and thank you.

Here are some songs from MA bands that helped me come to terms with my queerness. Even though some of them don’t outwardly express themes regarding queer identity, these songs were the soundtrack to a lot of formative experiences for me and are central to who I am.

1. Heartwarmer - she dreamt; she was the sea

2. Total Immersion (demo) - Pandemix

3. Pretty Like a Boy - Dump Him

4. Wet - Dazey and the Scouts

5. Tiny Flame - Dæphne

6. Life in Drag - The Hotelier