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EVERYDAY HEROES Devotion & Faith, in Sickness & in Health
Devotion & faith, in sickness & in health
After more than a decade of sickness, the trials of caregiving have done little to dent the marital devotion of Ruby for her husband, Richard. If anything, it has strengthened the bond between them.
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“W e’re doing okay, right?” With a tender look in her eyes, Ruby, 71, pats the arm of her husband, Richard, 74. Though he can’t hear well anymore, he responds to the affectionate gesture with a small tilt of his head.
These subtle shared moments speak volumes about their 48 years of marriage, and their supportive interdependence on each other.
This bond has kept them going, especially throughout Richard’s two battles with cancer, hearing loss, and swallowing problems.
The latter difficulty was their most recent challenge, Ruby shares. About two-and-a-half years ago, Richard became quite ill when he became unable to eat. “He had a fainting spell and fell in the bathroom, so we had to call an ambulance, and he was sent to
KTPH,” Ruby recounts.
At KTPH, Richard was diagnosed with dysphagia, a swallowing problem that makes it difficult to eat. There was a high risk of choking and food entering the lungs — a dangerous cause of pneumonia. Because he could not swallow safely, Richard had to have a feeding tube (percutaneous endoscopic gastrostomy tube or PEG) inserted for safer eating.
When Richard was discharged, Ruby and her long-time helper were able to manage quite well on their own, except for a few times when the tube got stuck, which required a visit to the A&E. “Initially, we were not so sure of what we were doing, and were afraid of doing things wrong. But now, we’ve gotten the hang of it,” Ruby says.
Ruby is thankful to have support from Yishun Health’s Ageing-in-Place Community Care Team (AIP-CCT), which has been a reassuring form of ‘back up’ for times when she needed a little extra guidance and advice. This includes PEG tube care, physiotherapy for exercise, and phlegm management, as well as dietitian consultations to ensure Richard’s liquid diet was optimised. “I am glad that we have a group of community nurses. Around 15 years ago, when Richard was first sick, I was so lost, I did not know what to do. Now I have more help and it is much easier.”
Ruby says that the team communicates well with Richard, and helps them to manage better so that they do not need to go to the A&E as often. It is at this point that she looks to her husband and touches his arm
— a simple gesture she often does to convey ‘we’ve got this’.
THE WILL TO GO ON
The ability to ‘do okay’ has been due in part to Ruby’s devoted caregiving, but also Richard’s tenacity. Ruby shares that Richard was first diagnosed with throat cancer about 15 years ago; a few years after that, a second cancer was discovered below his eye. Both times, he has pulled through. “His willpower is very strong,” Ruby shares.
With pride, she tells of how he quit smoking in just one day, and how steadfast he has been to resist the temptation of eating. “He loves food, but he will just smell the dishes and refuses to even taste it.” Her heart aches for her husband’s situation. “My poor old man,” she laments. “He cannot eat, he cannot hear. It is so hard for him, but he keeps going.”
Richard shares that it is his family — especially his two grandchildren — that keeps him fighting. He simply wants to see them grow up, finish their studies, and be independent adults. Though COVID-19 restrictions have made it difficult for them to see each other, they keep in touch via texts and video calls. trumpeter, Louis Armstrong, and Cuban musician, Perez Prado. Looking back on their married life, Ruby gets emotional thinking about what keeps her going. “When we got married, we promised to be there for each other in sickness and in health, and for richer or poorer,” she says, overcome with tears. She admits that there have been many times when she felt overwhelmed. “When the waves come in, I just bow my head and I ride it; I know that one day it will pass.” Looking to the future is just as difficult for her, because she fears what it holds. “Whatever I do, I will treat it as my last so I have no regrets.” Her goal is to simply love and care for her husband, and cherish all the days they have together.
As painful as it is to think and talk about her worries, Ruby knows it does her good to let her emotions out. She finds strength in her Catholic faith, her love for her husband, and help from those around her. Be it spiritual, emotional or practical support, she encourages caregivers to seek what they need to push on.
Being a caregiver can be challenging, but there is no need to be alone, Ruby advises. “I wish caregivers to know that they are not alone, and that there is help available. There are people around us who are willing to help. I hope those in the same boat as we are know they have the strength to pull through.”
So, while they hope for the day to come when the entire family can meet and be with each other again, Ruby and Richard spend their days accompanying each other and keeping occupied with their own hobbies. For Ruby, it means watching Korean dramas, while Richard reads avidly. “Our other pastime is going for medical appointments,” Ruby says with amused exasperation.
BITTERSWEET MEMORIES
Ruby looks back on the times when they used to take long road trips up to Malaysia as a young couple when their son was little. She delights in sharing how, as a young man, Richard was a vainpot, with a hairdo just like his favourite singer, Elvis Presley, and dressed in fancy shirts and bellbottoms. “He had ‘curry puff’ hair and used to play the guitar!” Ruby says, laughing.
Music was not just Richard’s pastime, but his work — it was while he and Ruby both worked in the entertainment industry that they met. Richard used to book music acts and fondly remembers interacting with bands and seeing them perform live. He has even met legendary musicians such as the great jazz
