Time To Reflect
The Bigelow Co. Presents:
Time to Reflect
Let this cup be a mirror.
One of the worst parts about
life is how many cool people we pass by on the street that could prove to be best friends or lovers but we never know because we never take the time to get through their exterior. Wouldn’t it be great if we could see right inside them instead, so we could know right away who we should be hanging out with and who our soul mates are? Well don’t worry we’ve created a solution for that. It’s called the amazing unbelievable inside outside awesomeness projector machine. You just stick it on a necklace, put it on and it takes care of the rest. Now everybody will know what’s inside of you, instead of the opposite.
Have you ever thought
about the journey of a rain drop after it falls on your face? That thing was sucked up into the atmosphere from some completely other spot on the planet. Could have been Peru. Could have been Norman, Oklahoma. Could have been anywhere. I wonder what fish swam next to that rain drop. Or what plant it watered. Or what cup of tea it came from. Have you ever thought about how connected everything is, right after a rain drop lands on your face?
I don’t get it. You have this
ball of wax. And then some sort of all powerful and mysterious alchemistic stamp crushes it into a circular record. And then you run this needle over it. And all of a sudden a piano concerti by Beethoven comes soaring out through the speakers. Like a fiery, velvety, angelic Eagle. Pssh, and people say they don’t believe in magic.
Everyone is familiar with the phrase “as soon as possible” and its accompanying acronym, ASAP. It’s been around forever. “Oh yeah, I’ll get on it ASAP!” Say a hundred and fifty people across the globe every hour of every day. No disrespect to ASAP, but we think it’s time for a new acronym. So we’ve developed one to accompany a similar phrase, “As much as possible.” ASMAP. Please assist us in the diffusion of this innovation by using the acronym for “as much as possible,” (ASMAP) as much as possible. Thanks!
If you ever get sad because
you think nobody loves you, don’t, because that’s stupid. We know for a fact that the Sun has a crush on you. How do we know this? Because it’s always hanging around, happy to see you, waiting to caress your sweet little face and give you a big old smooch. You know what else? The Wind is feeling you, too. It pines for you all day, wishing just for one chance to run its fingers through your pretty hair. So cheer up! Nature loves you and life ain’t so bad.
What do you call Curious
George when he gets super pissed? Come on what do call him? Furious George! What do you call him when he shops at The Dollar Store? Take a guess, go ahead. Penurious George! What do you call Curious George when he tells you his name is Curious Shmeorge? Give up? Spurious George! Okay okay last one. What do you call Curious George when he starts thinking a lil bit about boy monkeys? Hmm? Bi-Curious George!
You know what the most
underrated and under appreciated body part of all time is? Do you? Our feet! Our feet don’t get nearly the love and respect they justly deserve. They stink! They get tired! But they always take us where we need to go. And they always help us leave our mark. Our feet are the Captains of our Autonomy. They are the Powerers of our Mojo. They are the Grantors and Exercisors of our Freedom. When was the last time we thanked them?
Overheard in the year 2016:
Damn it! There’s not enough stupid emojis on this stupid phone for me to adequately express how I’m feeling when I send texts to people, Fuck!
Here I come? That’s stupid. Here I leave! There I come. God, are we the only ones thinking about this stuff?
Grow Grass. Grow. Hey wait
a minute grass. See that’s too much growth. Now you’re getting unruly. Now you’re getting out of line. Now I gotta cut you. Cut you right down to my exact specification and satisfaction. So you look clean. And organized. And presentable. For me and the neighbors. Now Grow Grass. Grow.
Humans be like: I don’t value your existence as much as my own and you’re ugly and scary and brown and I don’t appreciate you stealing food out of my kitchen so now you gotta die!!!!!!!!!!!! And then Roaches be like: I’m just trying to feed my family.
You think Google’s so great? Ask Google for a hug. We’ll see how great it is then.
Did you know that when it’s
born, a Hammerhead shark’s head is soft and rubbery, so it doesn’t tear up its Mom’s birth canal? And. That’s the last nice thing a Hammerhead shark ever does. For anybody. Those things are dicks.
If you ever think you might
need a life coach, I have an idea that might save you some money. It’s called the Free Traffic Sign Life Coach. Just picture the sign in your head and this is what it would say. STOP being afraid. DO NOT ENTER into patterns of negative thinking. DETOUR from the familiar. YIELD to your better judgment. ONE WAY to be happy is to set manageable goals and work bit by bit to achieve them. NO PARKING ANY TIME in front of the TV eating Cheetos because that’s time you could be spending writing love letters and going swimming in places that have waterfalls.
You can’t slide through
life. You can however, slide through the dance hall.
A lot of people think Houston,
TX is not a very nice place to live or visit. But those people are rookies. They say it’s too hot. I say it taught me how to take the heat. They say it’s ugly. I say it taught me to look for the beauty in things. They say there’s too many people. I say it made it easy to make friends. They say it’s too big. I say it gave me room to grow and explore. They say the cockroaches are as big as Cadillacs. That’s the first true thing they’ve said.
The Moonhornets The Moonhornets are some mean little bastards All they ever wanna do is sting But on the moon there ain’t nuthin but Some rocks and dirt So now they gotta learn to sing Lalala!!!
This here’s my country song!
Please repeat the following lines with a redneck accent in your head. Thanks.
Bocephus didn’t need no iPhone! Albert Einstein never snapped no Snapchats! Leonardo couldn’t tell you bout Photoshop!
Patient - Doctor I’m not feeling
well. Doctor - What’s the matter are you sad? I abhor sadness! Patient - Yes I’m sad. I just feel like I’m a loser and I’m never gonna make anything of myself. Doctor - A loser?!?!?!? What are you kidding me! Patient - (sniffles) Doctor - You were the greatest and the fastest and the most resolute and the most determined sperm in 250 million! If you were a loser, you never would’ve beat em all to that egg! Don’t you see, you’ve been a champ from day one! Feel better? Patient - Yes. Can I have a hug? Doctor - Of course! Okay time’s up.
Goosebumps as People Now? Not yet. Now?? Not yet. Now??? Not yet!!! (Something breathtaking happens) Now???? Now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have you ever noticed that
a lot of times, when people call other people “Honey,” they don’t sound that sweet?
What kind of wine does
José the Mexican prefer to drink with his dinner? Guess, go ahead. Give up? Jalapeño Noir.
The sun doesn’t mean to be so hot. He just wants to give you a hug.
Penguins have a much
more beautiful mating ritual than humans. They slide right up to the other penguin and then start dancing right in front of their face! Well, not dancing, per se. They actually hold brilliant and elaborate poses. Like Yoga practitioners. Or ballet dancers. And then the other one says, Hey that’s beautiful I’ll do one for you now! And they go back and forth holding beautifully articulated, awesome poses for one another. They do this to show their commitment to solidarity. They do this because true love is very important.
Music is like a wave. Dancing gives you a surfboard.
Keep your breath fresh and your Nikes fresher.
Do you think Dominoe’s
delivers to submarines or battleships? No, I don’t either. Stupid question.
Wu Tang is my father.
On the dance floor, there are
no rich people. And there are no poor people. There are only dancers.
Did you know that the com-
mon Bonobo monkey likes to engage in oral sex? They aren’t bashful about it, either. They’ll go girl on girl, boy on boy. They’ll do it with their kids on their back, have threesomes, French kiss. They’re basically the most passionate creatures in the animal kingdom.
The real way to pick up
women is to approach them as if you have the answer to a great secret, an answer only you possess. A secret that holds the key to much happiness for them. A secret that, if they play their cards right, you may reveal to them.
I hate cell phones! For one,
they killed romance. Back in the day, you used to have that scene in the movie where the guy JUMPS in the cab, disheveled and SCREAMS to the driver, THE AIRPORT! STEP ON IT!!!! because he has to stop his lover from boarding that plane to art school in Paris because he’s seen the error of his ways and come hell or high water - he must tell her. His life is on the line. His fate is on the line. God damn it, TRUE LOVE is on the line. Now, you just pull out your stupid cell phone and call her.
I hate smart phones, too!
For one, they’re making us stupid. Back in the day, if we needed to know something, we asked somebody. Maybe made a friend or got a date out of the deal. Or you went to the library. Used the card catalogue system and asked the librarian questions and engaged in discussion. It took GUMPTION. You had to be resourceful, and use your wits. Now you just outsource these requirements to a stupid machine with no soul who only understands 1’s and 0’s.
I like my ladies like I like my coffee. Dark, rich and fertile.
I like my ladies like I like my coffee. Cold and Vietnamese. I like my ladies like I like my coffee. Strong, black, and fragrant.
Why are we different peo-
ple in the car than we are in real life? Why are we different people online than we are in real life? Why are we different people at work than we are in real life? Why are we different people in the hospital than we are in real life?
Are you guys playing tag?
Are you guys playing tag? Are you guys playing tag? Are you? Huh, huh are you? Are you guys playing tag? Are you? Hey what are you guys playing? Are guys playing tag? Are y’all playing tag? What are y’all playing? Are you guys playing tag? Just tell me are you guys playing tag? Huh? Hey are you guys playing tag? Are you guys playing tag? Are you guys playing tag? No! We’re playing chase. (said the older brother) Tag!
If you won’t sacrifice your
personal appearance and safety for the sake of comedy, you disgust me.
Defeat is stupid. But da feet is awesome.
If your last name was a verb, what would it mean? Mine means to meet a stranger or group of strangers in public, strike up a conversation, establish an uncompromising rapport, and ultimately get them to invite you to an evening soirĂŠe, a Wedding, a Baptism, a Bar Mitzvah, etc.