INSTA MAMA

Author and mama-of-two Carolijn Braeken

@bycarolijn • bycarolijn.com

I still get messages from other mothers thanking me for putting their feelings into words

Q Tell us about your book ‘Motherhood – a memoir of our first year’… What made you want to write it?

A What I struggled most with during that first year of motherhood weren’t the countless diapers, the sleepless nights, the lack of metime – those practical things you read about in magazines, blogs, and on social media. I found the deeper layers the hardest. Losing and finding myself again, the fear, the insecurities, the overwhelming feeling of happiness – all strengthened by an enormous amount of hormones. What made it even harder was the thought I was the only mother feeling this way. I wasn’t depressed or anything, it was just hard from time to time. Really, really hard. I started writing about it, for myself, so the feelings and words wouldn’t be stuck in my head and heart any longer – as I always tend to do when times get rough.

I started sharing bits and pieces of my feelings online, and soon I noticed that I really wasn’t the only mother experiencing the first year this way. I received tonnes of messages from women thanking me for putting their heartfelt feelings into words, telling me they showed my texts to their partners so that they would finally understand what was going on in their motherhearts. That’s when I knew I had to publish our story, to share it with the rest of the world, so that all those (new) mums out there would know those feelings of insecurity, doubt, and loneliness are normal, and most important: that they will go away. That they too will grow from an insecure, young mum into a strong, confident woman – just like I did. And that in the meantime, while being on that magical journey, they’re doing a great job.

Q The book has been such a success. Have you made connections with other new mamas since it launched? Has anything surprising come out of it?

A Yes, it has been such a crazy, wonderful rollercoaster since I published the book last year. It was super scary to publish it, but the response has been so overwhelming and great. I still get messages from other mothers thanking me for putting their feelings into words, almost on a daily basis. I treasure each and every one of those messages.

I think writing and publishing it and receiving all the positive feedback on the book has been really healing for me after that crazy but beautiful first year with Olivia. I never expected that the whole writing process would be such an emotional, life changing experience.

Q Your second daughter arrived last summer. What’s the transition been like from one baby to two? Have things been easier?

A I remembered women around me warned me to enjoy those last silent moments with only one child, because you know, two is a zoo. And oh boy, were they right. It’s exhausting, but only in a physical way though. It isn’t emotionally challenging for me at all, it’s nothing compared with that first year with my first daughter. I didn’t have to become a mother again. There are less insecurities, less doubts. I have so many blurry moments with Olivia during those first months because I was struggling with myself at that moment too, but with Filippa I remember everything so vividly. How I felt during labour, how she was placed in my hands, her smell. Of course there are still hard moments, lack of sleep and days with 0 energy, but there’s always this little voice in my head saying “it’s just a phase, this too shall pass, you’ve got this”. I have embraced the chaos and I enjoy every minute of it.

Q What are your thoughts on Instagram. What do you like and dislike most about the platform?

A It’s a love/hate relationship, but ever since I finally realised ‘it’s just an app’ the love prevails. You have to be aware that most people are just showing the best version of their lives on it. My goal isn’t as many followers or likes as I can get, so I think that takes a lot of stress and pressure away. I only follow accounts that inspire me or make me smile. I have made so many amazing connections all over the world these past few years and of course it is thanks to the support of my friends on Instagram I was able to self publish my book.

Q And finally, best and worst bits about motherhood?

A Seeing those little, vulnerable, dependent humans growing into their own people – it’s the biggest gift to witness it all. The worst? The heart-wrenching fear that something bad will happen to them.

Motherhood a memoir of our first year by Carolijn Braeken is out now