IDENTITY IN QUARANTINE
2020
All I want is to be loved. While I am fortunate enough to receive love from those around me, I still feel so lonely. What happens when the only person who would understand me doesn’t fully love me back? I have always considered myself to be an idealist in the realm of love. With that understanding and mindset, there is a lack of consideration for the negatives or the hardships that exist in experiencing love. Over quarantine, I spent months waiting to be back on campus, hoping that once I left home, I would have the opportunity to explore new feelings and desires. I wanted to change my hair, change my eyebrows, wear make up, and wear more effeminate clothing. I wanted to do all these things to help myself feel new. Feel better. But now that I am here and I do get to have those opportunities to try new things, I still don’t feel comfortable with myself. I thought that seeing myself in a new way would make me feel happier. Feel more beautiful. I thought I’d actually see myself as a woman. Maybe then, I’d genuinely feel like one too. But that feeling never came. “...today i realized how similar ‘diaspora’ and ‘dysphoria’ look on a page: we have always been made to feel foreign in our own bodies.” This quote comes from Alok Vaid-Menon in “Identity Blues”. (Femme in Public) Although this quote specifically addresses a physical sense of dysphoria, it still speaks to me. When I began using different pronouns and trying a different name, I didn’t consider that I wouldn’t recognize myself. Currently, I go by the name Aspen. When I first began telling people about this name, I was nervous but excited at the thought of trying something new. As I sit with this name and hear people refer to me as Aspen, I feel like I’m lying to others and to myself. I also feel simultaneously overwhelmed with concerns about whether I even like the name. Aspen was the name I would have been given if I were born a girl. And while there are some people who do find comfort in this method of choosing a new name, I feel insincere. I didn’t technically choose the name for myself, so why should I keep it? I don’t really know if i like how it sounds. Do I even like what this name means? At times, I catch myself introducing and referring to myself by my birth name. Part of me worries that in taking on this new name, I am subconsciously attempting to suppress or deny the person I grew up as. Sometimes, I miss Aiden. Many of my experiences with my gender identity coincided with doubts of authenticity. I understand that I cannot escape authenticity given that every choice, action, and thought is authentic facet of myself. However, when I considered this idea of self-growth and trying to love myself authentically, I had no idea how vulnerable or isolated I would feel. I feel lonely when the person I envision in my head isn’t the person looking back at me in the mirror. I feel lonely when people of both the Black and queer community don’t accept people like me who intersect the two. I feel lonely when I build up the courage to wear a dress or a skirt, but still choose to walk in secluded areas so people don’t see me. I feel lonely when
