WHEN BECOME REALITY

Growing up I can remember watching movies on the Lifetime Channel.

I could watch them because all of the plots seemed so bizarre and foreign to me. Except for the one where a mother was killed by falling logs during a logging truck accident. Ever since that movie, I've had nightmares about logging trucks and am petrified of them. Ask my husband.

And then one day, while pregnant with Dino, there was a logging truck accident right in front of my house. We lived on the main highway. Every ounce of my being shook, as I called my husband at work. I couldn't begin to describe how I felt in that moment, when my nightmares became reality.

Little did I know, that the logging truck incident was just the beginning of a long list of Lifetime movies that would play out in my life.

After Bulldo was born, I was told by my doctors, not to have anymore children I was okay with that then. There were always other options like adoption.

When Bulldo was six months old we felt the impression that a little girl was waiting to come to our family We researched all of our options In the end, we felt inspired to adopt through the foster care system.

The process to become certified foster parents took about nine months. And then the waiting began. I would be cleaning or putting the boys down to nap, when I'd be hit with these overwhelming feelings of sorrow and anxiety.

What was happening to my little girl, so that she could eventually come to our family?

I was overcome with emotion every time. In my head, I couldn't begin to imagine what she was enduring, nor did I want to But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wept and grieved, praying fervently for her.

Things I had only known as nightmares were reality for my daughter, and I could do absolutely nothing to stop them from happening

And then she arrived as a foster baby. Her mother surrendered her rights quickly. She was safe and she was ours But it wasn't that simple Permanent damage had been done before she came to us

Our daughter had Reactive Attachment Disorder and PTSD.

Adjusting to life as a parent of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder was very difficult for me. Looking back, those first few years were the darkest times I can remember. Her screaming never stopped. She experienced night terrors. Every day seemed like a constant battle, with her refusal to let me care for her

When I'm stressed, I don't sleep.